tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620728336405718472024-02-20T14:02:10.811-05:00Lived, Composed, and Illustrated by Babettaprepare to be destroyed by overexposure to my AWESOMENESSBabsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.comBlogger189125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162072833640571847.post-10467792902157360652010-10-26T14:47:00.001-04:002011-04-08T09:37:41.339-04:00The End of an Era<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">It's been nearly 2 months since my last post.<br />
Ha, I type that and feel like I'm in a Bloggers Anonymous meeting.<br />
<br />
Today I honor myself by typing the final post.<br />
<br />
I do believe I've come to a comfortable conclusion to this chapter in life.<br />
I will continue to live, compose and illustrate but the overarching theme of life is no longer my compulsion to eat, my feelings of worthlessness or joan. Yes Lou Lou, she has made it entirely into lower case (even though I desperately want to capitalize the J to be grammatically correct), she's not even in the foot notes of life anymore which, if you look back, is a major accomplishment.<br />
<br />
My therapy has stopped for now, and perhaps on this topic, forever.<br />
My need to blog has ceased.<br />
My disdain for my body is gone and is in fact replaced with an inexplicable love for my body<br />
I am enjoying eating to heal my body and although it isn't a goal, have actually shed some pounds. More importantly, I've become healthier and my shape a bit more sultry which I can only attribute to eating the way my body was meant to in the first place.<br />
My hair is healthier and LONG and yeah I could go on and on...basically I'm quite happy.<br />
<br />
I haven't felt that clawing, gnawing feeling since my trip to Austin.<br />
Lots of wonderful things happened on that trip that I won't go into here. <br />
If you're interested, drop me a line and I'll share personally.<br />
<br />
This blog has been an amazing tool in my recovery.<br />
All the folks I've met along the way, the opportunity to just "blap" my thoughts on virtual paper and get them out of my head where I could sort through them...all absolutely vital to who I am now.<br />
<br />
I think I'll book it...you know those sites where you can print your blog as a book...I think bears saving.<br />
<br />
So this is the end, the final post.<br />
I'm on to new things...keep your eyes on my website <a href="http://www.liveinauthenticity.com/">http://www.liveinauthenticity.com/</a> for the next chapter in my life and stay in touch!</div>Babsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162072833640571847.post-35816637791190950852010-09-02T13:20:00.000-04:002010-09-02T13:20:08.033-04:00A child like view<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLK804JjtFk-7-iOCQjCM6yZx_9WE5xgwyfJFtKz7MSLNu5Oi_CIo2nk3ehpOBrt0au6qefbOTq8PKDPd1a5TbHG3-vBeh803DCeyB177jvRBu1qOjp1h_fw_0YeBGtK1wD5vgTw3dWTs/s1600/today+i+honor+myself+090219.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLK804JjtFk-7-iOCQjCM6yZx_9WE5xgwyfJFtKz7MSLNu5Oi_CIo2nk3ehpOBrt0au6qefbOTq8PKDPd1a5TbHG3-vBeh803DCeyB177jvRBu1qOjp1h_fw_0YeBGtK1wD5vgTw3dWTs/s320/today+i+honor+myself+090219.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>The note on my desk all week read<br />
"I am very certain I will honor myself through yoga on Thursday, September 2nd."<br />
<br />
As I rested back in child's pose I remembered what it is I love so much about a regular practice.<br />
Its me and my mat.<br />
It's time spent with my favorite person, me.<br />
I'd forgotten how much I like to spend time with myself.<br />
Forgotten how much I love honoring my body in this very way.<br />
<br />
<br />
The certainty of my affirmation could have been destroyed all too easily.<br />
I came home early yesterday not feeling at all well and had the opportunity to make up the hours today. Today, the day I had planned to honor myself with yoga.<br />
I toyed with the idea for barely a second and tossed it out with a "That's why I have sick hours."<br />
<br />
I love the smell of patchouli swirling from the heat of my skin created as I move through each asana<br />
I love the feel of my hands and feet firmly pressed into the mat<br />
I love the dampness of my shirt and the sound of my<span style="color: #3d85c6;"> </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHGHGBkGU0Q"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">ujjayi breath</span></a>.<br />
I love acting in certainty :)Babsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162072833640571847.post-45770710214574370532010-08-30T09:43:00.002-04:002010-08-30T12:25:17.051-04:00NEED TO LOSE...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://bodybywright.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/didyouknow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="198" ox="true" src="http://bodybywright.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/didyouknow.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>These words greeted me as I walked into the office today<br />
Bright Green letters seemingly pulsating on a stark White Board<br />
NEED TO LOSE.... Start Date 8/29/10<br />
Followed by names and numbers<br />
<br />
My first reaction was <br />
UGH<br />
NEED to lose?<br />
NEED?<br />
UGH<br />
<br />
So I've decided, I NEED to lose the perception that a number will make me happy, better, prettier, insert word of personal preference here ____________.<br />
<br />
Then I marched right into my manager's office and said...<br />
"I just gotta say it so it's out there and I can move on...I don't like that new white board and I find it insensitive to those of us around here ..." she knew where I was going and agreed.<br />
<br />
So Instead...we're working on a personal goals wall personal, professional, educational whatever...<br />
If your personal goal is to lose 20 lbs awesome...my personal goal is to get back into a regular yoga practice<br />
<ul><li>My first step on that journey is to ...do the yoga routine I DL'd to my iPod. I will do this on Thursday as I am off early and have the afternoon to Babs.</li>
<li>The second step will be to take a class at a local studio</li>
<li>The third step will be to evaluate whether or not I want a regular home practice or a monthly pass to a local studio</li>
</ul>So let it be written...<br />
So let it be done :)<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: orange;"><strong>SO MY QUESTION TO YOU TODAY (yes, I'm expecting answers)...</strong></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: orange;"><strong>WHAT DO YOU "NEED" TO LOSE?</strong></span></div>Babsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162072833640571847.post-45834139813283644682010-08-26T09:24:00.000-04:002010-08-26T09:24:59.295-04:00YesterdayYesterday, someone called and asked me for a ride<br />
This doesn't seem like much but it's one of the girls on my cheer squad and she didn't call anyone else, she asked me for help...she knew I'd give it.<br />
<br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgu9X7aTQWHP98nVXBYBuyR8i6FECdFaF7DU-cP3XTfIZADE2Gd4FbKCkpGwZrP0kj03hcVTFp31OWwoOl0kzqt-3OS-TyhO_XLTunKMeZoM7twAf5T_zsiIFsgsaPWu3A2Q3sYINRUh78/s1600/share+your+gift.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgu9X7aTQWHP98nVXBYBuyR8i6FECdFaF7DU-cP3XTfIZADE2Gd4FbKCkpGwZrP0kj03hcVTFp31OWwoOl0kzqt-3OS-TyhO_XLTunKMeZoM7twAf5T_zsiIFsgsaPWu3A2Q3sYINRUh78/s1600/share+your+gift.jpg" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Yesterday, someone was persistent in picking my brain for ways to stretch specific muscles.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">She knows I'm a trained yoga instructor and is struggling with some particular points she just can't reach.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">It took me a moment to realize that she was ASKING for my expertise and when I did, and gave her my full attention, she got what she needed.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div>Yesterday, someone asked how to handle a particularly sticky situation<br />
She knows that I have "a way with words" (as she put it) and wants to know how to use them too.<br />
She recognized my gift and asked that I share it with her. I did.<br />
<br />
Other people see in me the things that I am trying to be<br />
I need to stop and see what they see.Babsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162072833640571847.post-65686530840748882622010-08-18T08:50:00.001-04:002010-08-18T09:00:30.575-04:00Reframe the MirrorYesterday I complained about looking 'frumpy' in the mirror...even in my dreams...but not necessarily thinking it was a "bad" thing. Back when I was what society would call "thin" I looked at myself and still saw fat. Now, I'm what society might call "fat," but not necessarily unhappy with what I see in the mirror (most days).<br />
<br />
Then a soul sista solicited words of wisdom because SHE was feeling confused about what she sees in the mirror too (must be something in the air).<br />
<br />
Without even taking a breath to pause and think...I answered her back with this:<br />
<br />
<blockquote>Who decides you look bad?<br />
Of course you don't think you look bad when you look at yourself no! You are seeing the embodiment of the manifestation of your dreams! You are vibrationally in synch with <u>(insert your name here),</u> the <u>(insert your accomplishment here).</u> You have begun believing yourself in ways that make those around you quicken their pace to catch some of that mojo. OF COURSE YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE! <br />
<br />
You are taking action<br />
<br />
You are honoring your true self<br />
<br />
You are pulling her to the surface<br />
<br />
And when you see her, she is beautiful<br />
<br />
When you see her as beautiful...well, you know the rest!</blockquote>Well it was so profound I decided I needed to hear it too...<br />
And I'm guessing someone out there might too!<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: orange; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><em>Who decides you look bad?</em></strong></span></div><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><em></em></strong></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br />
<strong><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em></em></span></strong></span><br />
<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><em>Of course you don't think you look bad when you look at yourself no! </em></strong></span><br />
<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><em>You are seeing the embodiment of the manifestation of your dreams! </em></strong></span><br />
<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><em>You are vibrationally in synch with Babs, the sought after writer, teacher, and healer. You have begun believing yourself in ways that make those around you quicken their pace to catch some of that mojo. </em></strong></span><br />
<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><em>OF COURSE YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE! </em></strong></span><br />
<br />
<strong><span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em></em></span></strong><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><em>You are taking action</em></strong></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><em>You are honoring your true self</em></strong></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><em>You are pulling her to the surface</em></strong></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #a64d79;"><br />
</span></div><strong><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em></em></span></strong><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><em>And when you see her, she is beautiful</em></strong></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><em>When you see her as beautiful...well, you know the rest!</em></strong></span></div>Babsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162072833640571847.post-1940229590496198852010-08-16T16:22:00.001-04:002010-08-16T16:24:25.262-04:00Remembering the JourneyI've spent part of my morning reading my blog. I started all the way back at my very <a href="http://livedcomposedandillustratedbyme.blogspot.com/2009/03/for-today.html"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">first post</span></a>.<br />
It didn't take me long to realize the intention of this journey is more than just a smaller size.<br />
Losing weight IS a component, but it is not the end all be all.<br />
<br />
I asked my hub if he could come up with anything for me this week...just ways in which I have changed, if any, as a result of my journey. He listed a bunch right off the bat...most of them dealing with my strength. My willinginess to stand up for myself in different situations and how MY strength has inspired HIM to be stronger. He says I need to remember the positive effect I have on everyone around me. He also reminded me that it's okay to feel uncomfortable in my body and to want to change it. It's not ALL I want.<br />
He's also glad that Joan isn't around as much, if at all, anymore. He got sorta tired of how much she controlled my every thought...ME TOO...she was overbearing to the NTH degree so I'm glad she's taken up residence outside of earshot.<br />
<br />
In my cubicle at work I have the collage that I made.<br />
It's filled with images and statements that reflect what I want(ed) to have or be doing.<br />
Now when I look at it...I DO have or AM doing everything on that poster.<br />
I AM making progress and I've even started collecting clippings for a new poster.<br />
<br />
In January I wrote this<br />
<blockquote><u>List of Changes...not necessarily 2010</u> <br />
<ul><li>Physical/Health - strong, healthy, realistic shape, managing my gluten intolerance without burden </li>
<li>Mental Emotional - Say No To JOAN! </li>
<li>Educational/Academic - finish Bachelors, pursue Masters </li>
<li>Relationships - honest, open, growing, working, improving, always grounded in love, intentionally pursuing friendships </li>
<li>Spiritual - deeper, closer, and more transparent </li>
<li>Professional - blogger, podcaster, teacher, speaker, traveler, healer </li>
<li>Home - painted, garden, simple, green, co-op </li>
</ul></blockquote>I'm definitely making progress on each point<br />
"Realistic Shape" stands out to me under the first bullet point, not because I equate it with weight loss but because my vision of "realistic" has changed this past year.<br />
<br />
A few weeks ago in group we had to visualize what life looks like as "happy."<br />
Who is there, what does it look like, what are you doing, etc...<br />
Then we had to turn and look in a full length mirror<br />
I looked EXACTLY like I do now<br />
<br />
At first I was frustrated by that<br />
I saw myself as frumpy<br />
but I had JUST seen myself doing great things with great people<br />
having a great time<br />
feeling ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL<br />
doing things I NEVER thought imaginable in this body (which is really sorta silly)<br />
<br />
So the body doesn't bar me from being happy<br />
And Thinner isn't Better<br />
It's okay to want to be a bit more comfortable<br />
<br />
Not bad for a Monday<br />
I need to start working on my next collage<br />
<br />
Next step...reorient to my intention:<br />
This time, I'm not going to be afraid to include some physical milestones<br />
I think I was so afraid to include them before because to be on a "diet" is a bad thing.<br />
To not be happy in my body is a "bad" thing.<br />
To want to change my body is a "bad" thing.<br />
<br />
No it's not...not necessarily<br />
It can be...when it's all I think about or all that motivates me it's in danger of becoming<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7RMK_r9GoTk&feature=related"> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">a famous leading lady loved by campy drag queens everywhere.</span></a><br />
<br />
Otherwise...it's just another aspect to my wholeness<br />
my holistic journey to BabsnessBabsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162072833640571847.post-91920603931891776952010-08-15T10:19:00.000-04:002010-08-15T10:19:53.929-04:00Am I different?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.alterheros.com/images/who%20am%20i.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" ox="true" src="http://www.alterheros.com/images/who%20am%20i.jpg" width="257" /></a></div>I started this journey in March of 2009. This journey of acceptance and self discovery as it relates to why I choose food as my drug.<br />
I began therapy in April of that year and have found a therapist I gel with and have been working with since December.<br />
But am I different?<br />
<br />
I don't hear Joan as much anymore<br />
Although I did picture her singing the lyric of the<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"> </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDKFZpGeVVo"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">Violent Femmes song</span></a>...she misses me. The feeling is not reciprocated.<br />
<br />
I'm not any thinner in fact I might be heavier. <br />
Not by much.<br />
In fact, I'm about the same weight I was when I met my husband. He reminded me that he fell in love with me.<br />
<br />
I'm not sure how I feel about this. I mean the physicality of this.<br />
I believe this week I should focus on the WAYS in which I am better for having lived through this past year so that I can shrug off the 'heaviness' I feel in my skin.<br />
This 'heaviness' could have me searching for Joan.<br />
<br />
So<br />
Why did I begin this journey in the first place<br />
What was my intended outcome when I started<br />
What is my intention now<br />
Do I need to re-orient myself<br />
<br />
I am not any thinner<br />
Am I better in other ways?<br />
Why does thinner have to equal better?<br />
I don't necessarily BELIEVE that equation, but it is what my fingers typed and therefore should be pondered.<br />
<br />
If losing SOME weight is part of my intention...why am I not losing any?<br />
<br />
This past week in therapy we touched on my need to feel noticed<br />
Not in a "look at me" sort of way but in an "i'm not invisible" sort of way<br />
I wondered, in the past, if I eat in order to make myself larger so that you can't miss me<br />
If that's the case, what is causing me to feel "invisible"<br />
<br />
It's been a very long time since I've binged<br />
For you regular readers...you'll notice the counter went away months ago<br />
I'm not defined by my binges<br />
I have had some drive through moments<br />
Not 'drive through for 6' moments...which is an improvement (one way in which I am better)<br />
<br />
I FEEL my body now<br />
I feel the rolls in my stomach and the crease of my hips<br />
These feelings are not comfortable<br />
I'm not in search of physical vanity but I do not think comfort is a lofty goal<br />
I wonder if somewhere inside me comfort is something I don't deserve<br />
One of those "good things" that I'm not allowed to have<br />
<br />
Okay...that's enough to wonder about todayBabsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162072833640571847.post-23313997531567551702010-08-10T09:31:00.000-04:002010-08-10T09:31:12.925-04:00Sing-A-Longokay...you probably shouldn't sing-a-long because this isn't a very positive post<br />
just an honest one<br />
and I have Violent Femmes in my head...so if you know the tune, I apologize for the earworm<br />
<br />
Today<br />
I feel<br />
Fat<br />
<br />
Today<br />
I feel<br />
Really Fat<br />
<br />
And cause I feel<br />
Really<br />
Really<br />
Fat<br />
<br />
Can't seem to get<br />
My mind off'a that<br />
<br />
Today<br />
I feel<br />
Fat<br />
<br />
PTHHHH! (yes, I just envisioned Edith Ann in her big yellow rocking chair!)<br />
<br />
<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/FDKFZpGeVVo&hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/FDKFZpGeVVo&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>Babsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162072833640571847.post-42684648168213820822010-08-05T16:36:00.000-04:002010-08-05T16:36:09.872-04:00Forgive me while I dump my trash here...I'm the one who picks it up anywayMaybe here I can reduce, reuse, up-cycle, recycle or at least make something pretty out of it...<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.treehugger.com/images/2007-3-21/trash2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" bx="true" height="320" src="http://i.treehugger.com/images/2007-3-21/trash2.jpg" width="245" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">1000 statues from trash in Rome</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Last night we got together for dinner with ma familia.<br />
The lot consisted of me, hub, Bm, Big Bro, Older Sis, Younger Bro and Dad. My mom and dad have been divorced for going on 10 or so years now after 42 years of marriage...well almost 42, the divorce was final days before their 42nd wedding anniversary or something poetically tragic like that.<br />
<br />
I've learned to live with this phenomenon...the divorce I mean.<br />
I probably have a better relationship with each parent respectively now that I have individual relationships with each of them but something new is putting me into a funk.<br />
<br />
My mom has begun the process of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Annulment"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">annulment</span></a>.<br />
She's been dating someone for a while...which is fine. She's an attractive intelligent woman and should be allowed to move on with her life.<br />
She's seeking an annulment so she can remarry again within the church.<br />
This is my father's church too. The Catholic church I mean. <br />
(If you've been reading me for any length of time you'll no doubt infer that it is no longer my church)<br />
This process, to the best of my understanding (which is admittedly somewhat trapped in the brain of a 5th grader desperately searching for a way out of parochial school) basically claims the marriage invalid. Like it never 'should have' happened.<br />
The kids don't revert to being illegitimate or anything like that...but the union that never should have been in the first place is excused by the church because well...they shouldn't have allowed it in the first place (yes, that was me tripping over the tongue that got in the way of my cheek as I tried to say that).<br />
<br />
So yes, this process will kill (if not literally then DEFINITELY figuratively) my father.<br />
The one remaining grace he believes he holds onto is his faith so for the church to be the last proverbial nail in the coffin of what remains he has of a 'life story' (tragic sounding I know but this is his existence) will be the end of him. Hopefully, only the end of him as we know it and he will rise from the ashes like a phoenix. Time will tell...<br />
<br />
But that's not what has me in a funk<br />
Yes I know...we'll still be considered legitimate children<br />
But if the union wasn't to be in the first place and this is a Declaration of Nullity (weird word) then really the history created doesn't exist either...<br />
<br />
And really<br />
Was it invalid to begin with?<br />
I don't think so<br />
I've seen the pictures<br />
Can a story be made to claim otherwise<br />
probably<br />
Couldn't we all write a "I should've known better" story about EVERY decision we've ever made...even the ones we're happy with.<br />
<br />
So this is bugging me<br />
This could just be bugging me because it's tugging at my Catholic roots, which I have also been tugging at in EMDR.<br />
It could be bugging me because I want mom to just suck it up...whatever that means<br />
Who knows<br />
but it's bugging me<br />
so I write about it<br />
so I don't eat it<br />
There, now THAT's a beautifully recycled creation.Babsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162072833640571847.post-68622566941415268922010-08-02T17:05:00.000-04:002010-08-02T17:05:59.706-04:00BAHpremenstrual munchies<br />
grrr<br />
why doesn't ANYTHING satisfy them?<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.wellwire.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/pms-245x300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" bx="true" height="640" src="http://www.wellwire.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/pms-245x300.jpg" width="521" /></a></div>Babsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162072833640571847.post-71580442240305964122010-07-24T16:28:00.001-04:002010-07-24T16:31:38.646-04:00Class of 1990Today is the day<br />
20 year High School Reunion<br />
and oh boy have voices started....<br />
<br />
I've decided to go all retro <br />
(I mean, gotta do something with the tats so why not be a pin-up)<br />
I borrowed a dress from a friend<br />
and visited a buddy at his home salon with pictures of Ms. Von Teese in hand.<br />
They (those damn voices) got louder with every spritz of hair spray<br />
<br />
They started this morning in the shower while I was shaving<br />
<strike>Did you even like High School</strike><br />
<strike>Will you even know anybody there</strike><br />
<strike>Why are you even going to this thing</strike><br />
<br />
I didn't have any good answers<br />
On the way home I was worried my hair looked stupid and thought I might wash it out...<br />
<br />
Bm then asked me (she went with me to get my hair done)<br />
"Mom, how long has it been since you've seen any of these people?<br />
"20 years" I said<br />
<br />
"How long before you'll see any of em again?"<br />
"Probably 20 years..."<br />
<br />
"Right, so who cares what they think!"<br />
(DANG she DOES listen when I teach her self-esteem lessons)<br />
<br />
I still felt weird when I got home<br />
My hub said "you look Cute" (and it was a good cute not a bad cute)<br />
Still felt a little weird<br />
My belongingness grudg-y demon is moshing in my stomach<br />
<br />
So then...I went and tried on the outfit I had planned (because I already thought of a dozen reasons NOT to wear it and was freaking out about replacement ideas<br />
<br />
I put on the dress<br />
slipped on my pumps<br />
found my pearl choker necklace and matching drop earings<br />
and voila<br />
The hair didn't look so funny<br />
and the sparkle was back in my eye<br />
<br />
Shut up voices<br />
Babs is going out tonight <br />
yes...I still feel a little weird<br />
but dammit if I won't look hot :)<br />
<blockquote></blockquote>Babsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162072833640571847.post-73306900698624444302010-07-21T13:58:00.000-04:002010-07-21T13:58:32.155-04:00Results not typical...I used to be a healthy weight.<br />
I successfully navigated my way through a national program to a healthy goal weight.<br />
I went to work for said program...even applied to the upper administrative levels...<br />
<br />
Why is today different?<br />
Why did it work then (nearly 6 years ago) but not now?<br />
<br />
My hub asked that this morning...why was it "easier" then?<br />
What was different ...what made the weight come off?<br />
<br />
I've thought about this myself a lot lately...especialy given the uncovering of my 'belongingness' triggers.<br />
<br />
Well...I had just met him and felt utterly 'belong-ed'<br />
I was working a job with a boss who thought my ideas were the very stars in the sky<br />
I was working with ALL of my creativity...directing music, creating programs, directing musical theater<br />
It did take me nearly 2 years to drop 35 lbs...so it wasn't "easy"<br />
I still binged...albeit on a 2lb bag of carrots not a value menu at a drive through<br />
<br />
But now it seems on weeks I follow a healthy plan<br />
I weigh XXX<br />
On weeks I kick the plan to the wind<br />
I weigh XXX<br />
yup<br />
same<br />
FRUSTRATING<br />
<br />
Why is today different<br />
BAH!Babsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162072833640571847.post-54733975473569610162010-07-21T12:53:00.000-04:002010-07-21T12:53:40.194-04:00Whoaaaaa Trigger<div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.nationalenquirer.com/images/ne/209880/65924.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" hw="true" src="http://www.nationalenquirer.com/images/ne/209880/65924.jpg" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Roy Rogers and his horse Trigger</td></tr>
</tbody></table>This week has been full of em...Triggers that is. <br />
I started <a href="http://www.emdr.com/"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">EMDR</span></a> last week. I think it's going to be a good tool in my recovery. The first session was mostly work setting a base line and finding my most CORE issue...you know, the <a href="http://livedcomposedandillustratedbyme.blogspot.com/2010/07/how-do-those-fit-together.html"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">Grudge-y</span></a> one. <br />
Turns out my worst one, that clawing, freaky grey-colored skin with dark eyes and dark haired one is a sense of belonging.<br />
I don't belong.<br />
Just typing that makes it hard to breathe.<br />
This trigger is definitely an 8 or 9 on the <a href="http://www.behavenet.com/capsules/treatments/emdr/suds.htm"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">SUDS</span></a> scale.<br />
<br />
While we were talking, I also noticed the "I should've/shouldn't have done/said" something reference being a pretty strong trigger.<br />
Last week I offered some unsolicited advice to a co-worker. I thought about it before hand, approached the person cautiously and asked permission prior...and was well received...<br />
But I still had a hard time fighting the urge to binge.<br />
Worse yet, at each milestone of beating the binge (read: each drive-through I did NOT go through), the ugly feeling became stronger and the thoughts of failure more ominous.<br />
THAT was very frustrating<br />
Beating my demons is supposed to be empowering dammit!<br />
By the time I got home I felt so small...and I didn't even eat! *sigh*<br />
<br />
Last night I challenged a grade I received on a writing assignment.<br />
I felt my points were valid. I worded my challenge respectfully. I felt as though my questions deserved an answer.<br />
<br />
But after I hit send (it was a response to an email), I felt doom and gloom.<br />
"You should't have said that."<br />
"You don't have the right to question authority"<br />
<br />
I ate<br />
I didn't binge<br />
but I did treat myself to some graham crackers with pb and jelly that I wasn't really hungry for<br />
so I soothed with food<br />
<br />
This morning I woke up and felt like it COULD be a binge day.<br />
I talked with my hub about it.<br />
We shared similar stories.<br />
It made me feel good to know he understands.<br />
<br />
I got a response from my professor today. <br />
We agree to disagree...<br />
...but I did get a higher grade ;)<br />
<br />
I'm glad I said something.<br />
A friend of mine said,<br />
<blockquote>"Wow, I'm proud of you for saying something. I would've just taken the lower grade then complained about the teacher."</blockquote>This is true.<br />
I am glad that I acted from my belief "better to ask and know then say nothing and always wonder."<br />
<br />
I'm not sure how I feel about the end result.<br />
Don't read that wrong...I'm very glad the outcome of my challenge was a re-evaluation of my grade.<br />
I still don't know what to do with my feelings about "challenging authority."<br />
Those still loom.<br />
I still don't know what to do with my feelings about "winning" the challenge.<br />
Those loom even larger.<br />
<br />
So I write them down...<br />
I'll bring them to therapy...<br />
I will not eat them.<br />
<br />
But if I do, I'll at least understand why.<br />
<br />
xxooBabsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162072833640571847.post-15191328365549466652010-07-07T12:35:00.000-04:002010-07-07T12:35:44.374-04:00Love, it's contagious<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2090/2198554326_9b6838a796.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" rw="true" src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2090/2198554326_9b6838a796.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>This week I'm in the City of Brotherly Love working a conference.<br />
This is a pretty big deal for me because<br />
<ol><li>This is a pretty big conference</li>
<li>The team I'm working with includes some "big guns"</li>
<li>I have a tendency to devalue my work</li>
<li>I have NONE of my support system here in Philly</li>
</ol>In looking back over the week that lead up to my departure flight I note some very calculated choices I made (consciously or otherwise) that PROVE that somewhere inside myself...I love and care about ME.<br />
<br />
If you've been following for a while, you know that Proud always cometh before a Binge.<br />
I was selected, from how ever many submissions, to be on the team working this conference. Someone believed I 'bring the goods' well enough to add me to this illustrious list of interpreters. *gulp*<br />
Presenters at this event are BIG names within the community and I am putting voice to their words *gulp*<br />
Yesterday, I was on the team assigned to the business meeting...you know, officers, board members, delegates...and I DID WELL. Actually, to coin a phrase my daughter used, I'm pretty sure I 'knocked it out 'da park!' *double gulp*<br />
<br />
In packing my bag for this trip I included my yoga mat and one of my yoga DVD's. It's Wednesday and I haven't gotten a full practice session in but I brought them, because I knew I'd need them, and seeing my mat inviting me to partake in a sun salutation in the middle of the day makes me feel supported. <br />
<br />
I also packed my nail kit with a fun color for my toes and a professional color for my fingers.<br />
I haven't painted them yet, but seeing my kit on the bathroom counter reminds me I have a way, should I need it, to reward myself for a job well done that does NOT include food.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.saintmartinsstation.org/camac/images/2007/reading_terminal_market.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" rw="true" src="http://www.saintmartinsstation.org/camac/images/2007/reading_terminal_market.jpg" /></a></div>I'm staying across the street from what has to be one of the world's most fantastic markets so I have access to fresh food and many gluten free offerings at any time and I've treated myself to fresh carrot/beet/celery juice every day I've been here.<br />
<br />
I don't feel deprived, I've (for the most part) stopped questioning "Why am I here" and feel good about the rest of the week!<br />
<br />
See, there is something to this LOVE stuff afterall :) I've come a long way from just hitting <a href="http://livedcomposedandillustratedbyme.blogspot.com/2009/12/sloshed.html"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">'publish post.'</span></a>Babsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162072833640571847.post-64476853336396355012010-07-02T11:50:00.000-04:002010-07-02T11:50:58.913-04:00How do those fit together?<div style="text-align: left;"><a href="http://www.masternewmedia.org/images/puzzle_pieces_id150248_size500o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" rw="true" src="http://www.masternewmedia.org/images/puzzle_pieces_id150248_size500o.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Last night in group <a href="http://livedcomposedandillustratedbyme.blogspot.com/2010/01/analyze-this.html"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">the good one</span></a><span style="color: #3d85c6;"> </span>asked what turned out to be a very poignant question, "<em>You</em> (meaning me) <em>said you don't have to be everything to everyone,</em> AND that you are <em>accepting that you're enough just as you are.</em> How do those fit together? Or do they?" <br />
<br />
And the DIDN'T<br />
<a href="http://livedcomposedandillustratedbyme.blogspot.com/p/introducing-joan.html"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Joan</span></a> believes that I must be everything to everyone.<br />
Babs used to believe that too.<br />
Somewhere inside, sometimes, when I'm low on the Babsness scale...those thoughts creep in...<br />
But more often than not these days, I spend more time trying to be ME than trying to be EVERYTHING. It's quite liberating :)<br />
<br />
But she asked that question<br />
How do those fit together?<br />
And I felt it...literally clawing inside of me<br />
crawling up and into my chest and hanging onto my clavicle bones for dear life<br />
It was creepy<br />
Like something out of the movie <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0391198/"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">The Grudge</span></a> (no I didn't see it but the trailer scarred me enough for a lifetime).<br />
<br />
I have an individual session today<br />
I imagine there will be some clawing.<br />
I wore very comfy clothes and very little eye make up<br />
Inhale....Exhale...RepeatBabsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162072833640571847.post-19529418183734298752010-06-29T16:45:00.001-04:002010-06-29T16:47:12.154-04:00Things about today<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://thecia.com.au/reviews/g/images/grown-ups-poster-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" ru="true" src="http://thecia.com.au/reviews/g/images/grown-ups-poster-2.jpg" width="226" /></a></div>Today I still have Salma Hayek hair...my curls are behaving nicely now that it has grown a bit past awkward.<br />
<br />
Today I get my new computer<br />
Today I purchase <a href="http://livedcomposedandillustratedbyme.blogspot.com/2010/05/so-sorry-if-you-follow-both-of-my-blogs.html"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">my domain name for my new website</span></a><br />
Today I am very proud of the man that I love, he's facing some demons head on and he's winning<br />
Today I crossed 5 things off of my to do list<br />
Today I ate 2 spoonfuls of m&m's<br />
Today I ate 6 whopper candies<br />
Today I ate a<a href="http://livedcomposedandillustratedbyme.blogspot.com/2010/02/demons-in-break-room.html"> <span style="color: #3d85c6;">little debbie cosmic brownie</span></a><br />
Today, I think, I'm ovulating<br />
Today I have a headache<br />
<br />
That little debbie, yeah, it was stale<br />
but i ate it anyway<br />
sighBabsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162072833640571847.post-77937191492687023622010-06-24T13:11:00.001-04:002010-06-24T13:22:43.456-04:00Things that make me feel GOODIn two weeks I start <a href="http://www.emdr.com/briefdes.htm"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">EMDR</span></a>. Part of my preparations is to list at least one way (per day) that I made my heart 'gush.'<br />
<br />
Heart gush comes from my "Always remember..." notebook that I started when I first met my husband.<br />
It's a simple little notebook where I write one liners that remind me of times my hub made my heart gush with love for him. Little books like this are necessary because it's easier to get hung up on piddly little things that make you mad at times.<br />
<br />
So my counselor charged me with writing down things that I do for myself that make my heart gush<br />
I haven't written any...I've thought of some but haven't taken the time to put pen to paper<br />
so I'm putting pad to key<br />
<br />
<ul><li>I chose NOT to battle with my son about a napkin</li>
<li>I bought <span style="color: #3d85c6;">a</span><a href="http://www.worldmarket.com/product/zoom.jsp?productId=3906514&prodZoomImg=p6918199"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">mazingly fantastically funky curtains</span></a> for the living room</li>
<li><a href="http://curiousgeorgeandhollyhobby.blogspot.com/2008/06/happy-birthday.html"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">I sang my birthday song</span></a> LOUD in the living room on my birthday while dancing like a happy me</li>
<li>I painted the 2nd coat on the living room walls...it feels so nummy in there with the great colors</li>
<li>I LOVE MY decorating style :)</li>
<li>I've been dressing more 'babsy' lately</li>
</ul>So the running theme is I've been letting my creativity flow<br />
I notice tunes humming through my head (and out my lips) more often now and lyrics dancing around my brain...earworms planted years ago only to resurface as I sweep the floor or re-tie a bow so it's "just so."<br />
I even dabbed a dot of patchouli on each wrist and behind my ears<br />
<br />
Huh, whodathought that being myself would make my heart gush<br />
now THAT phrase just made me chuckle<br />
Miss AuthentiCity :)Babsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162072833640571847.post-68321547674836458832010-06-23T17:38:00.001-04:002010-06-24T08:03:34.520-04:00AcceptanceI haven't written in a while<br />
Can't really explain why<br />
Some of the reasons I write are<br />
<br />
<ul><li>to avoid a binge</li>
<li>to work through a feeling</li>
<li>to document a breakthrough</li>
<li>to have a place to dump what's in my brain</li>
</ul><div>Guess I haven't really needed any of those things lately</div><div>Which...can be seen as a good thing :-)</div><div><br />
</div><div>I turned 38 this past weekend</div><div>No, I don't feel any older</div><div><br />
</div><div>We're getting closer to the finishing touches on the living room...I'm am uber excited about this fact</div><div>My 'design' self has had a chance to flex her idea muscles and it feels glorious</div><div><br />
</div><div>I've come to a place of acceptance with my size</div><a href="http://media.photobucket.com/image/acceptance/salviaforme/album2/pastsign.jpg?o=1" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://i238.photobucket.com/albums/ff177/salviaforme/album2/pastsign.jpg" /></a><br />
<div>It's not a bad thing</div><div>or an "I'm settling thing"</div><div>It's just where I am</div><div>It doesn't bother me to buy bottoms that are XL or to start with L tops rather than Mediums</div><div>(mind you...I'm talking summer clothes here, not an entire wardrobe of shopping)</div><div>I even bought a bathing suit without thinking or blinking twice.</div><div>Acceptance is good</div><div><br />
</div><div><h1 style="color: #003399; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">“Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.” William James</h1></div><div><br />
</div><div>I start a new kind of therapy next week ...and I'm back to group this week too (due to a hiatus at school).</div><div>I am quite excited about the new form of therapy...it's mostly used with those who suffer from PTSD and should be able to help me unlock the disconnect between my brain and my <a href="http://livedcomposedandillustratedbyme.blogspot.com/2010/06/good-monsters.html"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3d85c6;">good monster</span></a>. Yes, I'm still nervous about it...but as my therapist said last week, "You've already lived through it, so you don't have to be afraid."</div><div><br />
</div><div>School is to Food still exists</div><div>This week it crept up on me because I FORGOT that I have a Monday night class </div><div>so I didn't have time to fret about it</div><div>our campus has moved...so there is no fast food between work and school (bonus)</div><div>and hopefully this new therapy will help me unlock the 'is to' portion and move on</div><div><br />
</div><div>These days, I'm feeling good</div><div>Marriage is good</div><div>Family is good</div><div>House is good</div><div><br />
</div><div>Nothing is perfect...and that is good</div><div><br />
</div><div>Ahhh I've missed writing</div><div>I look forward to reading your thoughts</div><div><br />
</div><div>more soon...off to finish painting a wall</div><div>xo</div>Babsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162072833640571847.post-54568978718549186102010-06-03T16:49:00.001-04:002010-06-03T16:51:12.095-04:00Good Monsters<object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/rNY1OPVZNog&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/rNY1OPVZNog&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object><br />
<br />
Not all monsters are bad<br />
but the ones who are good<br />
never do what they could<br />
never do what they could<br />
<br />
I'm still reeling<br />
No, I'm still catatonic<br />
No, I'm catatonically reeling<br />
from yesterday's therapy session<br />
<br />
The layer of the onion that makes you cry?<br />
Yeah, that's the one we haphazardly sliced into last night<br />
and once you've made that cut, you just have to keep chopping until your done<br />
or the recipe just doesn't turn out right.<br />
<br />
Haphazard isn't the right word<br />
That implies that we went there mistakenly and without care...<br />
I wouldn't have intentionally gone there if I knew how scary it would be...<br />
<br />
It<br />
I don't know what 'it' is<br />
It's scary<br />
I'm scared that it's REALLY scary<br />
It could just be 5 or 7 or 9 year old scary<br />
which might not be that scary<br />
but it still FEELS scary<br />
<br />
It's a monster<br />
It's a good monster<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: right;"><i>All the good monsters open their eyes,</i></div><i></i><br />
<i><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>To see the wasteland where the home fires rise,</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>And the people shouting why, why, why...</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>Do you know what you are?</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>Do you know what you are?</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>All of the giants wake from their sleep,</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>And roll outside of safety's keep,</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>And the pain makes them feel so alive</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>Do you know what you are?</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>Do you know what you are?</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>And we are bored of all the things we know</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>Do you know what you are?</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>Do you know what you are?</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>Not all monsters are bad, but the ones who are good</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>Never do what they could, never do what they could</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>All the good monsters rattle their chains,</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>And dance around the open flames,</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>And they make a lot of empty noise.</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>While all of the bright eyes turn away,</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>As if there wasn't anything to say,</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>About the justice and the mystery.</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>Do you know what you are?</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>Do you know what you are?</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>And we are bored of all the things we know</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>And we are forms of everything we love, we love.</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>If good won't show it's ugly face, </i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>Evil won't you take your place</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>Nothing ever changes,</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>Nothing ever changes... </i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>By itself.</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>Yeah....yeah...aaah</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>We are bored of all the things we know</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>Do you know what you are</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>'Cause we are, we are so in love with ourselves</i></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i>And we are forms of all the things we love.</i></span></div></i>Babsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162072833640571847.post-65705059983908477162010-06-02T21:25:00.000-04:002010-06-02T21:25:18.522-04:00RawNot much more to say than that<br />
I thought maybe letting my fingers fly might find something<br />
Whatever was tapped into today in my individual session<br />
is sorta deep<br />
really visceral<br />
and my Babs is doing all she can to disconnect<br />
so...whatever it is ...it could be ugly<br />
Thankfully...I don't have to do it alone<br />
well, I have each of you...all you beautiful yous out there who share your love with me<br />
and I have a great therapist<br />
she helped me button things up today so I was in a safe place before leaving her office<br />
and we'll pick up where we left off in a couple of weeks.Babsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162072833640571847.post-70233899797747663852010-05-28T16:42:00.000-04:002010-05-28T16:42:54.191-04:00<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">So sorry if you follow both of my blogs...</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">this was worth a repost!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.fieldstonealliance.org/client/client_images/open_sign.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.fieldstonealliance.org/client/client_images/open_sign.jpg" /></a></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">The Universe has shown me on several occasions just this week that it is time to stop dreaming and just DO.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">My goal?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">To be recognized and sought after as an esteemed communication and relationship coach in the areas of personal, social and professional relations.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">Turns out people recognize this quality in me...and even seek out my skills already so I'm jumpin' in while I work on the "esteemed" part...</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">So by July 15th I will</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><ul><li>meet with my web designer and outline launch of my website</li>
<li>make contact with at least 2 potential mentors who can help me create my fee structure</li>
<li>contact local organizations (churches, community centers, etc.) and book 3 introductory workshops</li>
</ul><div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">Ta Da</div></div><div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">So let it be written...</div></div><div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">So let it be DONE</div></div>Babsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162072833640571847.post-28381875603329456562010-05-26T21:17:00.000-04:002010-05-26T21:17:20.186-04:00School most definitely equals foodYeah I didn't make it past the drive through tonight<br />
I ate taco bell<br />
yup...gluten laden/fat filled Taco Bell<br />
<br />
For some reason school is to food like bar is to drink for an alcoholic<br />
you can't expect me to go there and not ____<br />
yeah<br />
so<br />
I need to come up with a plan<br />
I originally thought I would re-work my schedule so that there is time for an individual therapy session prior to class (at least every other week) ...but my campus is relocating finagling that travel time would be extremely inconvenient<br />
more inconvenient than the after effects of a soothe?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.bcse.uk.net/downloads//9AF_SFT_Logo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="118" src="http://www.bcse.uk.net/downloads//9AF_SFT_Logo.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>So I give all of you permission (those who have my phone number) to text/call words of affirmation, notes to "STOP" every Thursday between the hours of 4 and 6pm EST. (Yes, I know today is Wednesday...class was changed this week due to the big move...)<br />
<br />
I think I might figure out how to send myself email reminders<br />
Heck I think I might figure out how to send myself voice reminders so I don't have to text/email while driving<br />
<br />
I'm glad the server was down at school tonight...because had I blogged this as it was unfolding, well I would've had much more colorful language...and while it may have been cathartic for me...it would not be as insightful.<br />
<br />
Now I'm just tired<br />
could be because of the gluten<br />
but more likely it's because I've been working a lot and it's been a brain sucking kind of week<br />
I think I'll treat myself to an early bed time<br />
<br />
:)Babsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162072833640571847.post-84530123937441727572010-05-23T20:20:00.000-04:002010-05-23T20:20:07.726-04:00Shape and Size<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJzJ6bFuTgWdJbHnC1xJIenP0BAZjj1BtiLIIz-IV32mDsNMZE-MyFFoFAwJGqfdLnU4m3AwdbRGd7ZPTXP-51HDEjEnSvozAXFeAiw3Tiorkj4yqV-zttmonbCGGU3I6iARctt0T1Eeg/s320/One+Pear+on+Table.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJzJ6bFuTgWdJbHnC1xJIenP0BAZjj1BtiLIIz-IV32mDsNMZE-MyFFoFAwJGqfdLnU4m3AwdbRGd7ZPTXP-51HDEjEnSvozAXFeAiw3Tiorkj4yqV-zttmonbCGGU3I6iARctt0T1Eeg/s320/One+Pear+on+Table.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://kimblairartist.blogspot.com/2009/07/one-pear-on-table.html">photo credit</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Lately, I haven't obsessed much over food<br />
Joan hasn't spoken in weeks<br />
I haven't really felt bad about my body image or my eating habits<br />
I haven't used food to soothe<br />
<br />
Recently, I very matter-of-factly, non judgmentally said "I like my shape, it's my size I'm not crazy about."<br />
I do quite resemble this pear<br />
I'm tiny up top and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2BMpn1ssZA"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3d85c6;">broad where a broad should be broad</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3d85c6;">.</span><br />
<br />
Years ago I got down to my lowest weight...for all of about a week...then I hovered at 'just low enough to be legal' for about 8 months. I was a leader for an international weight loss chain and had to maintain a certain weight to continue in my position.<br />
When I started reaching out for help from my superiors...because it was getting hard, because I was restricting in unhealthy ways, because even though I practiced what I preached I could not keep my weight down...I got the cold shoulder and I left...and I gained....<br />
<br />
That was years ago and a lifetime away from the mindset I have now.<br />
I very matter-of-factly and non judgmentally like my shape and would like to work on my size.<br />
I very honestly think losing 15 pounds would be a good place for me.<br />
Now mind you...15 pounds from now has ALWAYS been "FAT" years ago and a lifetime away from the mindset I have now.<br />
<br />
I'm rather proud of this feeling<br />
DID YOU READ THAT?<br />
I just said I was proud?!?!<br />
I didn't even feel an insurmountable urge to backspace and delete it from the page<br />
I felt proud of a feeling<br />
OMG<br />
what an accomplishment.<br />
<br />
I think I'll take a cue from <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gjxnxKmaVQ"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3d85c6;">George Costanza</span></a> and call it a day :)<br />
<br />
xoBabsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162072833640571847.post-70693482501832753202010-05-20T17:56:00.000-04:002010-05-20T17:56:32.319-04:00Woman earns Masters with honors, Cannot attend commencement ceremonies because she won't fit out the door...News at 11There is definitely something to this school = eating equation...<br />
Again today...it was everything I could do to keep myself from a drive through<br />
I did it<br />
I kept myself from every intimidating fast food sign, made it to school and cooked the dinner I packed<br />
I bought 2 diet sodas from the vending machine to make it through the night (4 hr class.........zzzzzzz)<br />
<br />
I did start my period yesterday<br />
and I'm missing opening night of my daughter's play tonight (but will see another show)<br />
I even contemplated "skipping" class so I could go to the show but...<br />
<br />
<ul><li>next week is midterm and if I miss review...I'll bomb the midterm (I know this teacher)</li>
<li>there are other performances this weekend</li>
<li>my hub, boys, and some extended family will be there tonight</li>
</ul><div>...and most importantly, I was SEARCHING for a good excuse to skip class</div><div>which is somehow tied to drive-through desire on school nights</div><div>and I can't do either...skip, or hit a drive through</div><div>so I'm not</div><div><br />
</div><div>I'm here, in class waiting for the clock to strike 6pm and lecture to start.</div><div>I left a special gift for my mini me and hub gave it to her before he dropped her off backstage...</div><div>She loved it</div><div>She knows I love her</div><div>I'm in class</div><div>and I'm not eating...</div><div><br />
</div><div>I'll take it</div><div><br />
</div>Babsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162072833640571847.post-50939066814182764952010-05-13T17:48:00.000-04:002010-05-13T17:48:02.894-04:00It's a DayIt's 4 days until I start my period<br />
It's the first day of my next class (I've been off for 2 weeks)<br />
It's the 4th day of <a href="http://www.sorensonvrs.com/">upheaval and controversy</a> at work<br />
...today I have the munchies, I want something cold (but not frozen), squishy and creamy and sweet.<br />
My body was wanting to hit a drive through on the way to class<br />
I drove straight to school instead<br />
My body thought to grab some cash for the vending machine at school<br />
I didn't.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.lollypopsandcandies.com/images/b_hc_smints_b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://www.lollypopsandcandies.com/images/b_hc_smints_b.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I only grabbed four!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>I did grab a few mints from the candy dish in the lobby<br />
they're not cold, squishy or creamy<br />
but I am happy that I paid attention and was cautiousBabsnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12394899918879687278noreply@blogger.com2