Lived, Composed, and Illustrated by Babetta

The End of an Era

2010-10-26T14:47:00.001-04:00

It's been nearly 2 months since my last post.
Ha, I type that and feel like I'm in a Bloggers Anonymous meeting.

Today I honor myself by typing the final post.

I do believe I've come to a comfortable conclusion to this chapter in life.
I will continue to live, compose and illustrate but the overarching theme of life is no longer my compulsion to eat, my feelings of worthlessness or joan. Yes Lou Lou, she has made it entirely into lower case (even though I desperately want to capitalize the J to be grammatically correct), she's not even in the foot notes of life anymore which, if you look back, is a major accomplishment.

My therapy has stopped for now, and perhaps on this topic, forever.
My need to blog has ceased.
My disdain for my body is gone and is in fact replaced with an inexplicable love for my body
I am enjoying eating to heal my body and although it isn't a goal, have actually shed some pounds. More importantly, I've become healthier and my shape a bit more sultry which I can only attribute to eating the way my body was meant to in the first place.
My hair is healthier and LONG and yeah I could go on and on...basically I'm quite happy.

I haven't felt that clawing, gnawing feeling since my trip to Austin.
Lots of wonderful things happened on that trip that I won't go into here.
If you're interested, drop me a line and I'll share personally.

This blog has been an amazing tool in my recovery.
All the folks I've met along the way, the opportunity to just "blap" my thoughts on virtual paper and get them out of my head where I could sort through them...all absolutely vital to who I am now.

I think I'll book it...you know those sites where you can print your blog as a book...I think bears saving.

So this is the end, the final post.
I'm on to new things...keep your eyes on my website http://www.liveinauthenticity.com/ for the next chapter in my life and stay in touch!

A child like view

2010-09-02T13:20:00.000-04:00

The note on my desk all week read
"I am very certain I will honor myself through yoga on Thursday, September 2nd."

As I rested back in child's pose I remembered what it is I love so much about a regular practice.
Its me and my mat.
It's time spent with my favorite person, me.
I'd forgotten how much I like to spend time with myself.
Forgotten how much I love honoring my body in this very way.

The certainty of my affirmation could have been destroyed all too easily.
I came home early yesterday not feeling at all well and had the opportunity to make up the hours today. Today, the day I had planned to honor myself with yoga.
I toyed with the idea for barely a second and tossed it out with a "That's why I have sick hours."

I love the smell of patchouli swirling from the heat of my skin created as I move through each asana
I love the feel of my hands and feet firmly pressed into the mat
I love the dampness of my shirt and the sound of my ujjayi breath.
I love acting in certainty :)

NEED TO LOSE...

2010-08-30T09:43:00.002-04:00

These words greeted me as I walked into the office today
Bright Green letters seemingly pulsating on a stark White Board
NEED TO LOSE.... Start Date 8/29/10
Followed by names and numbers

My first reaction was
UGH
NEED to lose?
NEED?
UGH

So I've decided, I NEED to lose the perception that a number will make me happy, better, prettier, insert word of personal preference here ____________.

Then I marched right into my manager's office and said...
"I just gotta say it so it's out there and I can move on...I don't like that new white board and I find it insensitive to those of us around here ..." she knew where I was going and agreed.

So Instead...we're working on a personal goals wall personal, professional, educational whatever...
If your personal goal is to lose 20 lbs awesome...my personal goal is to get back into a regular yoga practice

My first step on that journey is to ...do the yoga routine I DL'd to my iPod. I will do this on Thursday as I am off early and have the afternoon to Babs.
The second step will be to take a class at a local studio
The third step will be to evaluate whether or not I want a regular home practice or a monthly pass to a local studio

So let it be written...
So let it be done :)

SO MY QUESTION TO YOU TODAY (yes, I'm expecting answers)...

WHAT DO YOU "NEED" TO LOSE?

Yesterday

2010-08-26T09:24:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, someone called and asked me for a ride
This doesn't seem like much but it's one of the girls on my cheer squad and she didn't call anyone else, she asked me for help...she knew I'd give it.

Yesterday, someone was persistent in picking my brain for ways to stretch specific muscles.

She knows I'm a trained yoga instructor and is struggling with some particular points she just can't reach.

It took me a moment to realize that she was ASKING for my expertise and when I did, and gave her my full attention, she got what she needed.

Yesterday, someone asked how to handle a particularly sticky situation
She knows that I have "a way with words" (as she put it) and wants to know how to use them too.
She recognized my gift and asked that I share it with her. I did.

Other people see in me the things that I am trying to be
I need to stop and see what they see.

Reframe the Mirror

2010-08-18T08:50:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I complained about looking 'frumpy' in the mirror...even in my dreams...but not necessarily thinking it was a "bad" thing. Back when I was what society would call "thin" I looked at myself and still saw fat. Now, I'm what society might call "fat," but not necessarily unhappy with what I see in the mirror (most days).

Then a soul sista solicited words of wisdom because SHE was feeling confused about what she sees in the mirror too (must be something in the air).

Without even taking a breath to pause and think...I answered her back with this:

Who decides you look bad?
Of course you don't think you look bad when you look at yourself no! You are seeing the embodiment of the manifestation of your dreams! You are vibrationally in synch with (insert your name here), the (insert your accomplishment here). You have begun believing yourself in ways that make those around you quicken their pace to catch some of that mojo. OF COURSE YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE!

You are taking action

You are honoring your true self

You are pulling her to the surface

And when you see her, she is beautiful

When you see her as beautiful...well, you know the rest!

Well it was so profound I decided I needed to hear it too...
And I'm guessing someone out there might too!

Who decides you look bad?

Of course you don't think you look bad when you look at yourself no!
You are seeing the embodiment of the manifestation of your dreams!
You are vibrationally in synch with Babs, the sought after writer, teacher, and healer. You have begun believing yourself in ways that make those around you quicken their pace to catch some of that mojo.
OF COURSE YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE!

You are taking action

You are honoring your true self

You are pulling her to the surface

And when you see her, she is beautiful

When you see her as beautiful...well, you know the rest!

Remembering the Journey

2010-08-16T16:22:00.001-04:00

I've spent part of my morning reading my blog. I started all the way back at my very first post.
It didn't take me long to realize the intention of this journey is more than just a smaller size.
Losing weight IS a component, but it is not the end all be all.

I asked my hub if he could come up with anything for me this week...just ways in which I have changed, if any, as a result of my journey. He listed a bunch right off the bat...most of them dealing with my strength. My willinginess to stand up for myself in different situations and how MY strength has inspired HIM to be stronger. He says I need to remember the positive effect I have on everyone around me. He also reminded me that it's okay to feel uncomfortable in my body and to want to change it. It's not ALL I want.
He's also glad that Joan isn't around as much, if at all, anymore. He got sorta tired of how much she controlled my every thought...ME TOO...she was overbearing to the NTH degree so I'm glad she's taken up residence outside of earshot.

In my cubicle at work I have the collage that I made.
It's filled with images and statements that reflect what I want(ed) to have or be doing.
Now when I look at it...I DO have or AM doing everything on that poster.
I AM making progress and I've even started collecting clippings for a new poster.

In January I wrote this

List of Changes...not necessarily 2010
Physical/Health - strong, healthy, realistic shape, managing my gluten intolerance without burden
Mental Emotional - Say No To JOAN!
Educational/Academic - finish Bachelors, pursue Masters
Relationships - honest, open, growing, working, improving, always grounded in love, intentionally pursuing friendships
Spiritual - deeper, closer, and more transparent
Professional - blogger, podcaster, teacher, speaker, traveler, healer
Home - painted, garden, simple, green, co-op

I'm definitely making progress on each point
"Realistic Shape" stands out to me under the first bullet point, not because I equate it with weight loss but because my vision of "realistic" has changed this past year.

A few weeks ago in group we had to visualize what life looks like as "happy."
Who is there, what does it look like, what are you doing, etc...
Then we had to turn and look in a full length mirror
I looked EXACTLY like I do now

At first I was frustrated by that
I saw myself as frumpy
but I had JUST seen myself doing great things with great people
having a great time
feeling ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL
doing things I NEVER thought imaginable in this body (which is really sorta silly)

So the body doesn't bar me from being happy
And Thinner isn't Better
It's okay to want to be a bit more comfortable

Not bad for a Monday
I need to start working on my next collage

Next step...reorient to my intention:
This time, I'm not going to be afraid to include some physical milestones
I think I was so afraid to include them before because to be on a "diet" is a bad thing.
To not be happy in my body is a "bad" thing.
To want to change my body is a "bad" thing.

No it's not...not necessarily
It can be...when it's all I think about or all that motivates me it's in danger of becoming a famous leading lady loved by campy drag queens everywhere.

Otherwise...it's just another aspect to my wholeness
my holistic journey to Babsness

Am I different?

2010-08-15T10:19:00.000-04:00

I started this journey in March of 2009. This journey of acceptance and self discovery as it relates to why I choose food as my drug.
I began therapy in April of that year and have found a therapist I gel with and have been working with since December.
But am I different?

I don't hear Joan as much anymore
Although I did picture her singing the lyric of the Violent Femmes song...she misses me. The feeling is not reciprocated.

I'm not any thinner in fact I might be heavier.
Not by much.
In fact, I'm about the same weight I was when I met my husband. He reminded me that he fell in love with me.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I mean the physicality of this.
I believe this week I should focus on the WAYS in which I am better for having lived through this past year so that I can shrug off the 'heaviness' I feel in my skin.
This 'heaviness' could have me searching for Joan.

So
Why did I begin this journey in the first place
What was my intended outcome when I started
What is my intention now
Do I need to re-orient myself

I am not any thinner
Am I better in other ways?
Why does thinner have to equal better?
I don't necessarily BELIEVE that equation, but it is what my fingers typed and therefore should be pondered.

If losing SOME weight is part of my intention...why am I not losing any?

This past week in therapy we touched on my need to feel noticed
Not in a "look at me" sort of way but in an "i'm not invisible" sort of way
I wondered, in the past, if I eat in order to make myself larger so that you can't miss me
If that's the case, what is causing me to feel "invisible"

It's been a very long time since I've binged
For you regular readers...you'll notice the counter went away months ago
I'm not defined by my binges
I have had some drive through moments
Not 'drive through for 6' moments...which is an improvement (one way in which I am better)

I FEEL my body now
I feel the rolls in my stomach and the crease of my hips
These feelings are not comfortable
I'm not in search of physical vanity but I do not think comfort is a lofty goal
I wonder if somewhere inside me comfort is something I don't deserve
One of those "good things" that I'm not allowed to have

Okay...that's enough to wonder about today

Sing-A-Long

2010-08-10T09:31:00.000-04:00

okay...you probably shouldn't sing-a-long because this isn't a very positive post
just an honest one
and I have Violent Femmes in my head...so if you know the tune, I apologize for the earworm

Today
I feel
Fat

Today
I feel
Really Fat

And cause I feel
Really
Really
Fat

Can't seem to get
My mind off'a that

Today
I feel
Fat

PTHHHH! (yes, I just envisioned Edith Ann in her big yellow rocking chair!)

Forgive me while I dump my trash here...I'm the one who picks it up anyway

2010-08-05T16:36:00.000-04:00

Maybe here I can reduce, reuse, up-cycle, recycle or at least make something pretty out of it...

1000 statues from trash in Rome

Last night we got together for dinner with ma familia.
The lot consisted of me, hub, Bm, Big Bro, Older Sis, Younger Bro and Dad. My mom and dad have been divorced for going on 10 or so years now after 42 years of marriage...well almost 42, the divorce was final days before their 42nd wedding anniversary or something poetically tragic like that.

I've learned to live with this phenomenon...the divorce I mean.
I probably have a better relationship with each parent respectively now that I have individual relationships with each of them but something new is putting me into a funk.

My mom has begun the process of annulment.
She's been dating someone for a while...which is fine. She's an attractive intelligent woman and should be allowed to move on with her life.
She's seeking an annulment so she can remarry again within the church.
This is my father's church too. The Catholic church I mean.
(If you've been reading me for any length of time you'll no doubt infer that it is no longer my church)
This process, to the best of my understanding (which is admittedly somewhat trapped in the brain of a 5th grader desperately searching for a way out of parochial school) basically claims the marriage invalid. Like it never 'should have' happened.
The kids don't revert to being illegitimate or anything like that...but the union that never should have been in the first place is excused by the church because well...they shouldn't have allowed it in the first place (yes, that was me tripping over the tongue that got in the way of my cheek as I tried to say that).

So yes, this process will kill (if not literally then DEFINITELY figuratively) my father.
The one remaining grace he believes he holds onto is his faith so for the church to be the last proverbial nail in the coffin of what remains he has of a 'life story' (tragic sounding I know but this is his existence) will be the end of him. Hopefully, only the end of him as we know it and he will rise from the ashes like a phoenix. Time will tell...

But that's not what has me in a funk
Yes I know...we'll still be considered legitimate children
But if the union wasn't to be in the first place and this is a Declaration of Nullity (weird word) then really the history created doesn't exist either...

And really
Was it invalid to begin with?
I don't think so
I've seen the pictures
Can a story be made to claim otherwise
probably
Couldn't we all write a "I should've known better" story about EVERY decision we've ever made...even the ones we're happy with.

So this is bugging me
This could just be bugging me because it's tugging at my Catholic roots, which I have also been tugging at in EMDR.
It could be bugging me because I want mom to just suck it up...whatever that means
Who knows
but it's bugging me
so I write about it
so I don't eat it
There, now THAT's a beautifully recycled creation.

BAH

2010-08-02T17:05:00.000-04:00

premenstrual munchies
grrr
why doesn't ANYTHING satisfy them?

Class of 1990

2010-07-24T16:28:00.001-04:00

Today is the day
20 year High School Reunion
and oh boy have voices started....

I've decided to go all retro
(I mean, gotta do something with the tats so why not be a pin-up)
I borrowed a dress from a friend
and visited a buddy at his home salon with pictures of Ms. Von Teese in hand.
They (those damn voices) got louder with every spritz of hair spray

They started this morning in the shower while I was shaving
~~Did you even like High School~~
~~Will you even know anybody there~~
~~Why are you even going to this thing~~

I didn't have any good answers
On the way home I was worried my hair looked stupid and thought I might wash it out...

Bm then asked me (she went with me to get my hair done)
"Mom, how long has it been since you've seen any of these people?
"20 years" I said

"How long before you'll see any of em again?"
"Probably 20 years..."

"Right, so who cares what they think!"
(DANG she DOES listen when I teach her self-esteem lessons)

I still felt weird when I got home
My hub said "you look Cute" (and it was a good cute not a bad cute)
Still felt a little weird
My belongingness grudg-y demon is moshing in my stomach

So then...I went and tried on the outfit I had planned (because I already thought of a dozen reasons NOT to wear it and was freaking out about replacement ideas

I put on the dress
slipped on my pumps
found my pearl choker necklace and matching drop earings
and voila
The hair didn't look so funny
and the sparkle was back in my eye

Shut up voices
Babs is going out tonight
yes...I still feel a little weird
but dammit if I won't look hot :)

Results not typical...

2010-07-21T13:58:00.000-04:00

I used to be a healthy weight.
I successfully navigated my way through a national program to a healthy goal weight.
I went to work for said program...even applied to the upper administrative levels...

Why is today different?
Why did it work then (nearly 6 years ago) but not now?

My hub asked that this morning...why was it "easier" then?
What was different ...what made the weight come off?

I've thought about this myself a lot lately...especialy given the uncovering of my 'belongingness' triggers.

Well...I had just met him and felt utterly 'belong-ed'
I was working a job with a boss who thought my ideas were the very stars in the sky
I was working with ALL of my creativity...directing music, creating programs, directing musical theater
It did take me nearly 2 years to drop 35 lbs...so it wasn't "easy"
I still binged...albeit on a 2lb bag of carrots not a value menu at a drive through

But now it seems on weeks I follow a healthy plan
I weigh XXX
On weeks I kick the plan to the wind
I weigh XXX
yup
same
FRUSTRATING

Why is today different
BAH!

Whoaaaaa Trigger

2010-07-21T12:53:00.000-04:00

Roy Rogers and his horse Trigger

This week has been full of em...Triggers that is.
I started EMDR last week. I think it's going to be a good tool in my recovery. The first session was mostly work setting a base line and finding my most CORE issue...you know, the Grudge-y one.
Turns out my worst one, that clawing, freaky grey-colored skin with dark eyes and dark haired one is a sense of belonging.
I don't belong.
Just typing that makes it hard to breathe.
This trigger is definitely an 8 or 9 on the SUDS scale.

While we were talking, I also noticed the "I should've/shouldn't have done/said" something reference being a pretty strong trigger.
Last week I offered some unsolicited advice to a co-worker. I thought about it before hand, approached the person cautiously and asked permission prior...and was well received...
But I still had a hard time fighting the urge to binge.
Worse yet, at each milestone of beating the binge (read: each drive-through I did NOT go through), the ugly feeling became stronger and the thoughts of failure more ominous.
THAT was very frustrating
Beating my demons is supposed to be empowering dammit!
By the time I got home I felt so small...and I didn't even eat! *sigh*

Last night I challenged a grade I received on a writing assignment.
I felt my points were valid. I worded my challenge respectfully. I felt as though my questions deserved an answer.

But after I hit send (it was a response to an email), I felt doom and gloom.
"You should't have said that."
"You don't have the right to question authority"

I ate
I didn't binge
but I did treat myself to some graham crackers with pb and jelly that I wasn't really hungry for
so I soothed with food

This morning I woke up and felt like it COULD be a binge day.
I talked with my hub about it.
We shared similar stories.
It made me feel good to know he understands.

I got a response from my professor today.
We agree to disagree...
...but I did get a higher grade ;)

I'm glad I said something.
A friend of mine said,

"Wow, I'm proud of you for saying something. I would've just taken the lower grade then complained about the teacher."

This is true.
I am glad that I acted from my belief "better to ask and know then say nothing and always wonder."

I'm not sure how I feel about the end result.
Don't read that wrong...I'm very glad the outcome of my challenge was a re-evaluation of my grade.
I still don't know what to do with my feelings about "challenging authority."
Those still loom.
I still don't know what to do with my feelings about "winning" the challenge.
Those loom even larger.

So I write them down...
I'll bring them to therapy...
I will not eat them.

But if I do, I'll at least understand why.

xxoo

Love, it's contagious

2010-07-07T12:35:00.000-04:00

This week I'm in the City of Brotherly Love working a conference.
This is a pretty big deal for me because

This is a pretty big conference
The team I'm working with includes some "big guns"
I have a tendency to devalue my work
I have NONE of my support system here in Philly

In looking back over the week that lead up to my departure flight I note some very calculated choices I made (consciously or otherwise) that PROVE that somewhere inside myself...I love and care about ME.

If you've been following for a while, you know that Proud always cometh before a Binge.
I was selected, from how ever many submissions, to be on the team working this conference. Someone believed I 'bring the goods' well enough to add me to this illustrious list of interpreters. *gulp*
Presenters at this event are BIG names within the community and I am putting voice to their words *gulp*
Yesterday, I was on the team assigned to the business meeting...you know, officers, board members, delegates...and I DID WELL. Actually, to coin a phrase my daughter used, I'm pretty sure I 'knocked it out 'da park!' *double gulp*

In packing my bag for this trip I included my yoga mat and one of my yoga DVD's. It's Wednesday and I haven't gotten a full practice session in but I brought them, because I knew I'd need them, and seeing my mat inviting me to partake in a sun salutation in the middle of the day makes me feel supported.

I also packed my nail kit with a fun color for my toes and a professional color for my fingers.
I haven't painted them yet, but seeing my kit on the bathroom counter reminds me I have a way, should I need it, to reward myself for a job well done that does NOT include food.

I'm staying across the street from what has to be one of the world's most fantastic markets so I have access to fresh food and many gluten free offerings at any time and I've treated myself to fresh carrot/beet/celery juice every day I've been here.

I don't feel deprived, I've (for the most part) stopped questioning "Why am I here" and feel good about the rest of the week!

See, there is something to this LOVE stuff afterall :) I've come a long way from just hitting 'publish post.'

How do those fit together?

2010-07-02T11:50:00.000-04:00

Last night in group the good one asked what turned out to be a very poignant question, "You (meaning me) said you don't have to be everything to everyone, AND that you are accepting that you're enough just as you are. How do those fit together? Or do they?"

And the DIDN'T
Joan believes that I must be everything to everyone.
Babs used to believe that too.
Somewhere inside, sometimes, when I'm low on the Babsness scale...those thoughts creep in...
But more often than not these days, I spend more time trying to be ME than trying to be EVERYTHING. It's quite liberating :)

But she asked that question
How do those fit together?
And I felt it...literally clawing inside of me
crawling up and into my chest and hanging onto my clavicle bones for dear life
It was creepy
Like something out of the movie The Grudge (no I didn't see it but the trailer scarred me enough for a lifetime).

I have an individual session today
I imagine there will be some clawing.
I wore very comfy clothes and very little eye make up
Inhale....Exhale...Repeat

Things about today

2010-06-29T16:45:00.001-04:00

Today I still have Salma Hayek hair...my curls are behaving nicely now that it has grown a bit past awkward.

Today I get my new computer
Today I purchase my domain name for my new website
Today I am very proud of the man that I love, he's facing some demons head on and he's winning
Today I crossed 5 things off of my to do list
Today I ate 2 spoonfuls of m&m's
Today I ate 6 whopper candies
Today I ate a little debbie cosmic brownie
Today, I think, I'm ovulating
Today I have a headache

That little debbie, yeah, it was stale
but i ate it anyway
sigh

Things that make me feel GOOD

2010-06-24T13:11:00.001-04:00

In two weeks I start EMDR. Part of my preparations is to list at least one way (per day) that I made my heart 'gush.'

Heart gush comes from my "Always remember..." notebook that I started when I first met my husband.
It's a simple little notebook where I write one liners that remind me of times my hub made my heart gush with love for him. Little books like this are necessary because it's easier to get hung up on piddly little things that make you mad at times.

So my counselor charged me with writing down things that I do for myself that make my heart gush
I haven't written any...I've thought of some but haven't taken the time to put pen to paper
so I'm putting pad to key

I chose NOT to battle with my son about a napkin
I bought amazingly fantastically funky curtains for the living room
I sang my birthday song LOUD in the living room on my birthday while dancing like a happy me
I painted the 2nd coat on the living room walls...it feels so nummy in there with the great colors
I LOVE MY decorating style :)
I've been dressing more 'babsy' lately

So the running theme is I've been letting my creativity flow
I notice tunes humming through my head (and out my lips) more often now and lyrics dancing around my brain...earworms planted years ago only to resurface as I sweep the floor or re-tie a bow so it's "just so."
I even dabbed a dot of patchouli on each wrist and behind my ears

Huh, whodathought that being myself would make my heart gush
now THAT phrase just made me chuckle
Miss AuthentiCity :)

Acceptance

2010-06-23T17:38:00.001-04:00

I haven't written in a while
Can't really explain why
Some of the reasons I write are

to avoid a binge
to work through a feeling
to document a breakthrough
to have a place to dump what's in my brain

Guess I haven't really needed any of those things lately

Which...can be seen as a good thing :-)

I turned 38 this past weekend

No, I don't feel any older

We're getting closer to the finishing touches on the living room...I'm am uber excited about this fact

My 'design' self has had a chance to flex her idea muscles and it feels glorious

I've come to a place of acceptance with my size

It's not a bad thing

or an "I'm settling thing"

It's just where I am

It doesn't bother me to buy bottoms that are XL or to start with L tops rather than Mediums

(mind you...I'm talking summer clothes here, not an entire wardrobe of shopping)

I even bought a bathing suit without thinking or blinking twice.

Acceptance is good

“Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.” William James

I start a new kind of therapy next week ...and I'm back to group this week too (due to a hiatus at school).

I am quite excited about the new form of therapy...it's mostly used with those who suffer from PTSD and should be able to help me unlock the disconnect between my brain and my good monster. Yes, I'm still nervous about it...but as my therapist said last week, "You've already lived through it, so you don't have to be afraid."

School is to Food still exists

This week it crept up on me because I FORGOT that I have a Monday night class

so I didn't have time to fret about it

our campus has moved...so there is no fast food between work and school (bonus)

and hopefully this new therapy will help me unlock the 'is to' portion and move on

These days, I'm feeling good

Marriage is good

Family is good

House is good

Nothing is perfect...and that is good

Ahhh I've missed writing

I look forward to reading your thoughts

more soon...off to finish painting a wall

Good Monsters

2010-06-03T16:49:00.001-04:00

Not all monsters are bad
but the ones who are good
never do what they could
never do what they could

I'm still reeling
No, I'm still catatonic
No, I'm catatonically reeling
from yesterday's therapy session

The layer of the onion that makes you cry?
Yeah, that's the one we haphazardly sliced into last night
and once you've made that cut, you just have to keep chopping until your done
or the recipe just doesn't turn out right.

Haphazard isn't the right word
That implies that we went there mistakenly and without care...
I wouldn't have intentionally gone there if I knew how scary it would be...

It
I don't know what 'it' is
It's scary
I'm scared that it's REALLY scary
It could just be 5 or 7 or 9 year old scary
which might not be that scary
but it still FEELS scary

It's a monster
It's a good monster

All the good monsters open their eyes,

To see the wasteland where the home fires rise,
And the people shouting why, why, why...
Do you know what you are?
Do you know what you are?

All of the giants wake from their sleep,
And roll outside of safety's keep,
And the pain makes them feel so alive

Do you know what you are?
Do you know what you are?

And we are bored of all the things we know
Do you know what you are?
Do you know what you are?

Not all monsters are bad, but the ones who are good
Never do what they could, never do what they could

All the good monsters rattle their chains,
And dance around the open flames,
And they make a lot of empty noise.

While all of the bright eyes turn away,
As if there wasn't anything to say,
About the justice and the mystery.
Do you know what you are?
Do you know what you are?

And we are bored of all the things we know
And we are forms of everything we love, we love.

If good won't show it's ugly face,
Evil won't you take your place
Nothing ever changes,
Nothing ever changes...
By itself.

Yeah....yeah...aaah

We are bored of all the things we know
Do you know what you are
'Cause we are, we are so in love with ourselves
And we are forms of all the things we love.

Raw

2010-06-02T21:25:00.000-04:00

Not much more to say than that
I thought maybe letting my fingers fly might find something
Whatever was tapped into today in my individual session
is sorta deep
really visceral
and my Babs is doing all she can to disconnect
so...whatever it is ...it could be ugly
Thankfully...I don't have to do it alone
well, I have each of you...all you beautiful yous out there who share your love with me
and I have a great therapist
she helped me button things up today so I was in a safe place before leaving her office
and we'll pick up where we left off in a couple of weeks.

2010-05-28T16:42:00.000-04:00

So sorry if you follow both of my blogs...

this was worth a repost!

The Universe has shown me on several occasions just this week that it is time to stop dreaming and just DO.

My goal?

To be recognized and sought after as an esteemed communication and relationship coach in the areas of personal, social and professional relations.

Turns out people recognize this quality in me...and even seek out my skills already so I'm jumpin' in while I work on the "esteemed" part...

So by July 15th I will

meet with my web designer and outline launch of my website
make contact with at least 2 potential mentors who can help me create my fee structure
contact local organizations (churches, community centers, etc.) and book 3 introductory workshops

Ta Da

So let it be written...

So let it be DONE

School most definitely equals food

2010-05-26T21:17:00.000-04:00

Yeah I didn't make it past the drive through tonight
I ate taco bell
yup...gluten laden/fat filled Taco Bell

For some reason school is to food like bar is to drink for an alcoholic
you can't expect me to go there and not ____
yeah
so
I need to come up with a plan
I originally thought I would re-work my schedule so that there is time for an individual therapy session prior to class (at least every other week) ...but my campus is relocating finagling that travel time would be extremely inconvenient
more inconvenient than the after effects of a soothe?

So I give all of you permission (those who have my phone number) to text/call words of affirmation, notes to "STOP" every Thursday between the hours of 4 and 6pm EST. (Yes, I know today is Wednesday...class was changed this week due to the big move...)

I think I might figure out how to send myself email reminders
Heck I think I might figure out how to send myself voice reminders so I don't have to text/email while driving

I'm glad the server was down at school tonight...because had I blogged this as it was unfolding, well I would've had much more colorful language...and while it may have been cathartic for me...it would not be as insightful.

Now I'm just tired
could be because of the gluten
but more likely it's because I've been working a lot and it's been a brain sucking kind of week
I think I'll treat myself to an early bed time

:)

Shape and Size

2010-05-23T20:20:00.000-04:00

photo credit

Lately, I haven't obsessed much over food
Joan hasn't spoken in weeks
I haven't really felt bad about my body image or my eating habits
I haven't used food to soothe

Recently, I very matter-of-factly, non judgmentally said "I like my shape, it's my size I'm not crazy about."
I do quite resemble this pear
I'm tiny up top and broad where a broad should be broad.

Years ago I got down to my lowest weight...for all of about a week...then I hovered at 'just low enough to be legal' for about 8 months. I was a leader for an international weight loss chain and had to maintain a certain weight to continue in my position.
When I started reaching out for help from my superiors...because it was getting hard, because I was restricting in unhealthy ways, because even though I practiced what I preached I could not keep my weight down...I got the cold shoulder and I left...and I gained....

That was years ago and a lifetime away from the mindset I have now.
I very matter-of-factly and non judgmentally like my shape and would like to work on my size.
I very honestly think losing 15 pounds would be a good place for me.
Now mind you...15 pounds from now has ALWAYS been "FAT" years ago and a lifetime away from the mindset I have now.

I'm rather proud of this feeling
DID YOU READ THAT?
I just said I was proud?!?!
I didn't even feel an insurmountable urge to backspace and delete it from the page
I felt proud of a feeling
OMG
what an accomplishment.

I think I'll take a cue from George Costanza and call it a day :)

xo

Woman earns Masters with honors, Cannot attend commencement ceremonies because she won't fit out the door...News at 11

2010-05-20T17:56:00.000-04:00

There is definitely something to this school = eating equation...
Again today...it was everything I could do to keep myself from a drive through
I did it
I kept myself from every intimidating fast food sign, made it to school and cooked the dinner I packed
I bought 2 diet sodas from the vending machine to make it through the night (4 hr class.........zzzzzzz)

I did start my period yesterday
and I'm missing opening night of my daughter's play tonight (but will see another show)
I even contemplated "skipping" class so I could go to the show but...

next week is midterm and if I miss review...I'll bomb the midterm (I know this teacher)
there are other performances this weekend
my hub, boys, and some extended family will be there tonight

...and most importantly, I was SEARCHING for a good excuse to skip class

which is somehow tied to drive-through desire on school nights

and I can't do either...skip, or hit a drive through

so I'm not

I'm here, in class waiting for the clock to strike 6pm and lecture to start.

I left a special gift for my mini me and hub gave it to her before he dropped her off backstage...

She loved it

She knows I love her

I'm in class

and I'm not eating...

I'll take it

It's a Day

2010-05-13T17:48:00.000-04:00

It's 4 days until I start my period
It's the first day of my next class (I've been off for 2 weeks)
It's the 4th day of upheaval and controversy at work
...today I have the munchies, I want something cold (but not frozen), squishy and creamy and sweet.
My body was wanting to hit a drive through on the way to class
I drove straight to school instead
My body thought to grab some cash for the vending machine at school
I didn't.

I only grabbed four!

I did grab a few mints from the candy dish in the lobby
they're not cold, squishy or creamy
but I am happy that I paid attention and was cautious

Focused or Distracted? Either way it's all good

2010-05-08T10:57:00.000-04:00

photo credit

I haven't written in a while
Thought maybe I was distracted
but perhaps I've been focused...there is so very much to catch up on but like the white rabbit, I'm late for a very important date...
okay I'm not late but I do feel a sense of urgency probably just because I'm just excitafrickinervous

I did go audition on Tuesday night and today I have a call back audition...I'll write more about that later.

Late Monday night early Tuesday morning the creeping crud decided it wanted OUT of my stomach so I've been battling some sort of stomach thing this week. Last night I finally ate something and digested it.

Some crazy things have been happening at work.
Some intense moments have happened in the house

But I've managed to stay okay for the most part.
Focusing (perhaps over focusing) on this audition has kept my attention so the other stressors didn't have a chance to effect me.

Oh yes...and most importantly, the counter got a face lift
I like it better now :)

If I had a hammer...

2010-04-29T12:18:00.004-04:00

Yes, this was me teaching class a few years ago.
A local paper did an article on Christian Yoga and
it ran nationwide. I was probably at my healthiest
weight here...but still thought I was fat daily

without comparison
without judgement
without expectation

i've been meaning to get back into a regular yoga practice for a while
been meaning to
yeah

I'll get around to that. I have to be intentional about it. I have some changes coming to my work schedule that will either allow me to visit a local studio, or practice at home without kids around.

So part of 'been meaning to' means I think about it a lot.
After, the food episode of last week, well last week AND this week because it's still going on... I thought about the meditation I would use encouraging each participant, and myself, to start each class
without comparison to others ...or self
without judgement of others ... or self
without expectation of others ... or self

I need to apply this to my recovery
especially this stage in my recovery

The National institute of Health said “most defined recovery as total abstinence. However, recovery goes well beyond abstinence; it is experienced as a bountiful ‘new life’, an ongoing process of growth, self-change and of reclaiming the self.”

When I read this...I see total recovery...NO compulsive eating or binge eating. Total abstinence from my disordered behavior.
I'm learning (though not liking) that this is not the case.

According to Bodywise: Recovered means eating and moving in response to body needs most of the time. Your body's needs will vary day to day.
It does NOT mean never eating compulsively again. Bingeing may always be “in your toolbox.” People without BED eat for "emotional" reasons.
It means eating to check out will become rarer and rarer, with less and less food, for shorter and shorter episodes.

It means one episode will not, by default, lead to another.
It means an episode will get your attention right away; you will know the real need, let go of any anger at yourself for eating, and meet the real need as best you can.
Recovery is a journey, not a destination. You will recover at the rate that is just right for you!

I'd love to never binge again
I'd love to not feel a prisoner to food
I find myself resenting any food plan, even a healthy, non-restricting plan
I don't want to count, I don't want to measure, I just want to eat like "normal" people do
I wouldn't eat like the average american...because I actually like real, whole foods...
I just want to nourish my body
without having to obssess over it forget obssesing...just THINKING about it lately has been stressing me out
BUT...I don't want to gain weight
I am not (like many of my friends who struggle with ED) at a healthy weight, I'm on the cusp of 'overweight/obese' according to my BMI and that is after losing around 16 pounds over the past several months. I don't want to climb, I don't need to be a skinny mini, but I do want healthy.

I'd love to never binge again
but I know that is an unrealistic goal.

Somehow, when I struck out on my own I wound up with some of my father's old tools. I think it swirled around my parents divorce. Dad didn't use his old tools anymore, mom used them as antique decorations and I snagged some because I had childhood memories of them. I used to go on tty repair calls with my dad and his tools all had a certain 'worked with' smell about them.

Of all the tools I adopted, I still have his old craftsman hammer. Back in the day when it was just me and Bm, I used it for everything.
Now I have other tools, and the hub has several hammers that I use.

Not long ago I wanted to hang a picture and the hubs tools were in other places.
Dad's hammer did the trick.
I don't use it often, or even think about using it often but there are times when I need it ...and it does the job

I don't binge often, or even think about binging as often as I used to
but there are times when I binge...for some reason I need to,
and it does the job

We love you Mrs. Hannigan

2010-04-27T18:16:00.000-04:00

I wish I believed in myself just a bit more than I do now

I'd audition for a local community theater production of Annie

My daughter is auditioning.
I know she wants the lead but just the experience of being one of the orphans would be awesome.

In reading over the audition requirements I scanned over the adult roles and gasped a little...I could do that...

I guess there is something to that teary feeling I get when I sit in a theater.

Neutral Information

2010-04-27T14:20:00.000-04:00

I stepped on the scale last week.

Back in January I vowed to not step on the scale until January 2011

I am a scale junkie
I can step on it 10 times in a row
go pee
step on it again
change my clothes
step on it again
move it to a different part of the room
and step on it again
so I decided to stop stepping on it

But last week, I stepped on it
It takes a bit of effort to actually step on my scale
It has to be dug out from under the armoire and plugged in UNDER my desk so obviously I was on a mission...I just wanted to seeeeeee.
Funny thing is, once I got on it, I couldn't remember what I weighed the last time I stepped on a scale.
For a few minutes I wanted my weight to be less... but less than what?
I thought I would feel bad about stepping on the scale, and I did for a minute or two.
I thought I'd become a scale junkie again...
But honestly, I packed it up and put it back where it lives and didn't think twice about it...other than to 'fess up that I weighed and we're uncovering my need to 'fess up in counseling, turns out there is something to that too.

But for now, reflecting on the scale
it wasn't good information
it wasn't bad information
it was neutral information
which is what a scale is SUPPOSED to be

still writing...

2010-04-26T21:46:00.001-04:00

I posted my next article
Earth day is Every day
each one feels better than the last
I'm getting ready to start a series on what the Bible really says about Homosexuality
I'm sure I'll stir up some controversy with that one...
~grin~

STOP

2010-04-21T09:21:00.001-04:00

Yesterday it was this....

This morning it's these...

Nearest I can figure I'm popping sugar to get rid of this headache...gotta love a menstrual migraine coz NOTHING gets rid of them

Did you read that Babs? Nothing, not even the sugar so STOP!

There, that should help

It's been months since I let the breakroom woo me

I still have a headache but I'll deal

better than having a headache AND a guiltache!

Joan has been awkwardly silent lately...

ah HA said the Goat

2010-04-20T12:17:00.000-04:00

So hormones are the reason for my moody munching

I knew that...I keep a calendar
But the hormones just make me give in easier
they don't MAKE me take action
my eating disorder is comprised of certain behaviors that I will eradicate
whether I'm PMS'ing or NOT
No more kicking the Goat
there
I said it
I decided

that fix

2010-04-19T17:41:00.002-04:00

Do you remember the scene in pay it forward where Helen Hunt's character tears the house apart frantically searching for ONE remaining drop of alcohol in her house
and she finds it
in the kitchen light fixture
and she drinks it
and everything feels right with the world for a second
but then it's not

yeah...
I know that feeling
it came in the form of a spicy chicken melt from checkers
some fries
and a hot apple pie that burned the roof of my mouth

She didn't care that she'd get sick
for that second she didn't care that she might fall off the step stool and break her neck looking... reaching for a drop of vodka

but for just that second
after that, she cared

i don't know why
i only know what was going on
i wasnt finished with my paper for class
(although I am now)
and my presentation is about what I want to be when I'm done with my education
it's all about me

ugh
I'll be sick tomorrow
I'll log too many calories today
and I'll restart my counter when I get home from school

I hate that "fix" feeling
I hate it and I love it all at the same time
GAH!

New, New, New

2010-04-19T11:40:00.001-04:00

The blog has a new skin
the last one was nice but it was too prim and proper for me
too Joan

I like paper lanterns and it IS spring time and while I wait around for Blogger to let me upload MY OWN pic, I'll borrow this one :)

I've been wanting a new car lately
not New new...just new to me new
I think I've talked myself out of it because it's not a necessity

but just the same... I'm gonna go test drive ones I'm interested in

I like boxy cars so I'll try a Scion XB, a Honda Element, a Nissan Cube

but I'd really love to find one of these!

I still have dreams of a coolio VW Bus but for now I travel 60 miles round trip 5 days a week to work and just need something more economical. I'd LOVE to make it run on Veggie oil but being practical, it's gotta seat 5 JUST IN CASE the hub's truck isn't feelin it on a particular day.
So realistically, the Element and the mail truck are out...but a girl can dream.

I also experienced a new sensory trigger this weekend.
I'm interpreting a play at a local theater in the next month and went to preview the show yesterday.
I used to direct musical theater for kids and this particular playhouse is geared towards young actors. I also used to do a bit of acting myself so I expected to be excited about being there...
But this was different
And I've felt it before in other performances
and it was DEFINITELY a body feeling not a brain feeling because I STILL don't know how to explain it or WHY I feel it...this one is being bookmarked for Therapy!

I felt like crying
I did get teary
my chest ached...like a pining sort of feeling (or what I imagine pining to feel like)
anxious is not the right descriptive word but it's the only one I can think of
I wasn't being judgemental or thinking "I could do better" it wasn't that kind of feeling at all
I can't explain it and I don't know WHY
Maybe Ms Crawford's spirit really DID attach herself to me in 77 after she died and SHE is pining to be back on the stage....haunting

Well whatever it is I won't forget to mention it on Thursday
and...score one for me, I recognized a physical feeling and it's trigger
I might not understand the motivation...but it's progress

blah.blah.blah.blah.blah.blah.blah....

2010-04-16T13:56:00.002-04:00

Joan started talking last night
I have noticed that my fingers only capitalize the first letter of her name so I'm going with that.
It would be a conscious decision and action to change it...and I'm not going that route!

I just started writing for an online info site
I'm excited about it because it's a step in the direction I want to take in the next chapter of my career
I spoke up a bit in group last night
And now all I can hear is...

photo credit

~~You know, no one wants to hear what you have to say...~~
~~You really should've just shut up last night...~~
~~What are you doing there anyway~~...

Sigh...I haven't heard her in a while
but she sat on the arm of the couch last night
she didn't say anything, but I knew she was there

Otherwise, I'm really feeling alright
I don't feel like soothing
I feel like I have my to-do list under control
I'm still proud of writing and I'm going to avoid having to write the biggest-best article in the world and submit something this weekend for publishing...

We're going out with friends tonight
This is a 'do-over' from a few months ago
I feel safe
Looking forward to it
Fretting because I don't know what my tween is doing
but that will all work itself out

~~You talk too much~~
~~You don't know everything~~
~~No one else cares~~

harumph :(

The next BIG thing

2010-04-15T13:00:00.000-04:00

If you've read my 100 List or have followed my blog for any length of time, you'll know that one of my aspirations is to be a writer...a published writer.
Yes, I realize that technically everytime I "publish post" I am a published writer but that's not what I mean!

A few weeks ago I submitted a writing sample to Examiner.com.
A few days later I got this...

Dear Babetta,

Thanks for applying at Examiner.com! We have reviewed your information, and think you would make an excellent Orlando Liberal Christian Examiner (in our Religion & Spirituality channel).

It took my breath away to read!

Now I'm official and I published MY FIRST ARTICLE last night.
Writing it came easy and I swear when I hit the "publish" button, I squeeled and jumped out of my seat!
Hub looked at me with a raised eyebrow to which I exclaimed...

"I'm official! I just published my first on-line article!"

Okay now this one DOES feel fantastic
I told everyone I could think to share with RIGHT AWAY
I posted a link on Facebook, I sent emails and texts and messages
I guess I'm *gulp* PROUD of this one ;)

Nearest I can figure I feel really positive about this because it's another step in the direction I REALLY want to go with my life...
there's potential
there's hope
there's change

and I like hopey changey stuff
~grin~

Noticing a trend here...

2010-04-14T14:36:00.001-04:00

After today's experience making my point with the credit card company and this month's episode with mom,
I'm seeing that for me, there is something to this speaking up stuff...speaking up.

I have this quote on a bumper sticker....LOVE IT!

That kinda ties in with my spiritual gifts theory seeing as I really didn't shut-up much when I was a kid.
I don't know when that changed...

I do know that these past two experiences have been calming. I can't find a better word than that.

This morning when I finished on the phone...I was a bit exhilarated but I felt resolution...I honored the piece of me that holds a strong belief in paying what I owe AND I spoke up about feeling wronged.

Just like with mom.

And in both cases

each time

at the exact moment the opposite party said, "You're right, I (we) did that..." I felt resolution.

I can hear my therapist now..."resolution isn't a 'feeling' word" how did that make you FEEL?"

Okay

I felt calm

I felt warm

I felt like the puzzle pieces fit together

maybe this is what validation FEELS like?

So now...

I just have to figure out why I tend to avoid this feeling like the plague!

Typing Drills

2010-04-13T22:15:00.002-04:00

photo credit

Since vacation I haven't gotten back into the swing of logging my food.

I didn't at all while we were on vaca
I haven't really since I got back
but I have...
I'm making myself do it again
It's not really that I have anything to hide

I'm my 'hungry phase' of the month so I'm using every point I've been given and even last week when I soothed with food I logged it
but i'm just not feeling motivated to do it

Okay so I'm feeling like there's something there
something like why I won't weigh on a scale...not because I'm afraid of what I'll see but because it has to be perfect
So I'm logging through the imperfections
It's just a place to track what I eat not to be perfect
It doesn't have to be pretty
It's pretty because I do it
I REALLY don't think I'm ready to say..."okay I'm not logging my food until April 13, 2011" like some of my other resolutions...but I do need to intentionally rethink the way I approach it and do it even when its not pretty or motivated or inspired
there is no right or wrong
I'm just gathering statistics

Like now
these past two days my intake has been high
but I'm still within my weekly range
I haven't blown it
I don't need a do over
I just need to keep doing

There.

From the Road

2010-04-09T14:49:00.002-04:00

Im soothing again
My bones dont know what to do with this newest revelation
Theyre doing what they know how to do
I love you, bones.
We'll figure it out

Incongruency...

2010-04-09T14:20:00.000-04:00

Just the thought of something positive scares me
Okay that's not a completely true statement but I can't figure out exactly how to wrap words around this feeling.
The other day, when I ate it was because the prospect of something positive was unfolding in front of me.
In the past, when I've succumb to my worst binges they've always followed something "good" that I'd just done.
I used to think this had to do with my inability to be proud of myself.
After therapy last night, I'm starting to re-work this thought.

I've always considered myself a project-starter. (That's a nice way to say I don't finish stuff)
I've started college 5 times and I'm still a year away from my BA
I've had this podcast idea in my head since November
There pieces of crafts, sewing ideas, gardening articles, home decor projects and recipes lying in unmarked graves of my idea graveyard waiting for their Easter sunrise.

I'm fighting very hard to keep the college-start number at 5 but truth be told I've had to go kicking and screaming against the saboteur voices in my head. I'm terrified of graduating and want to be done already all in the same breath.
My heart swells with purpose when I talk about the ideas I want to incorporate in my podcast and teaching tour, just the words 'podcast' and 'road trip' make my entire body smile.
Sometimes it takes all my muster to get up and put a paint brush in my hand to finish projects around the house and i still have seeds waiting to seed...

When I think about actually finishing school, my insides shirk away from the surface. It's like they curl up in the smalest ball possible and leave me there a shell-of-a-babs.

Yesterday in my individual session we talked about the recent episode with my mother and how I processed it. All in all a good scenario because 1) I didn't eat, 2) I felt my feelings, 3) I expressed my feelings in a healthy way and 4) I got resolution.

From that we started talking through whatever episodes may have happened when I was younger that left this inability for me to trust what someone says. That I must've had several examples (or one doozy) where I heard one thing but tuned into another (because I tune in like that...its a mad-skill of mine).
That didn't resonate...
For some reason, while my therapist was talking I started to think maybe it wasn't hearing good things about myself that I didn't believe...but good things about life in general. (that's not quite what I meant but I can't find words for that right now).

For example...when I was young, my parents told me all their marital troubles were over.
I remember that day CLEARLY...I walked in the door, there stood mom and dad hugging and smiling and mom said, "Look, we're fine now no more worry."
I didn't believe that.
I was younger than 10 but older than 8.
My life was supposed to be "good" and "okay now" but it didn't feel that way

http://www.nataliedee.com/

incongruency

Stepping out on this great adventure of my future path to change the world
Good thing...will be fantastic...totally ready to DIVE in, ideas coming out of my eyeballs I'm so on fire about it. But I freeze at the edge and won't even put my toe in because
it's supposed to be good and life will be okay now
but I don't believe it will
so I get in my own way and I douse the flames
so it never has a chance to be good
congruency...

What was said to be good, was not good at all
I don't like 'good' so I avoid it at all costs
I protect myself from it
I get in my own way so as not to attain it

But...
I think my marriage is good, and I don't feel an aversion to it at all
We talked about that for a while too
My marriage is good because it works
and I mean it's work
We work at it
it's not perfect
we each have our own demons and we struggle dealing with what life throws us on any given day
and dang...we have two tweens and a teen so of course it's work!
But we laugh and we talk and we giggle and we share and we vent and we listen. We sigh and we snark and we comfort and we support...
Several times just this week alone I've been reminded not only of how much I love my hub, but how much I love our marriage because it('s) work(s).

I don't understand the disconnect there yet
Why I'm afraid to finish my degree but not afraid of my marriage
But we've at least opened something that sent reverberations out my toes.

I don't want to eat every time I do something or feel something is good because I won't fit into the RV at the end of my national tour! ~grin~

Eulogy

2010-04-08T11:38:00.072-04:00

Okay...just so you know, you cannot comment on this post.
I've turned off that feature because I don't wanna know what YOU'd say at my funeral, I already know you think I'm wonderful.
Gee, that sounds rather pompous but... writing my own Eulogy is a therapy homework assignment. It was assigned THREE WEEKS ago and due tonight, nothing like procrastinating huh?
Actually, I've tried to start a few times and just this morning got a good feel for where I'm going with it...
but then I realized the POINT of the assignment because I just can't get my fingers to write it, type it heck I can't even say it.

A eulogy (from εὐλογία, eulogia, Classical Greek for "good words") is a speech or writing in praise of a person or thing, especially one recently deceased or retired.
In praise of
*choke*
That's why I can't type
I'd have to say good things about myself
Like I told you...about my therapist? She's good...

So I started with the idea that I live intentionally
(maybe the whole writing in 3rd person was throwing me I dunno)
I want people to remember me for living on purpose.
I consider myself an everyday learner and wish to be so until I have no days left.
As we know better, we do better so my goal is to do better-er every day :P
I thrive on conversation and the intricacies of communication and I love teaching others those same intricacies. I believe communication is the heart of every relationship and relationship is what life is all about.
I'm learning how to communicate with myself.

I truly believe that I can make a difference and in my own little (or big) way, change the world
I believe that I see things in ways others don't and when they trust me, I will share my insights.
I may not always be right, and it's not about being right...it's about where my thoughts and words come from.
My thoughts and words come from a place of pure positive intention. What anyone does with my thoughts, words, or actions once I have done them is not for me to condone or admonish...it is just mine to act out of pure honesty, authenticity.
Hopefully, my actions model the same and I've inspired other authenticitizens and will continue to do so.

I want people to always know where they stand with me.
Honesty doesn't mean cruelty...there are ways to be honest without being mean...but the cruelty one suffers after learning what they believed is a lie is the worst feeling in the world and I never want anyone to experience that pain as a result of my actions or words.

I want people to feel better, better about themselves, their surroundings and their potential, after meeting me.
I want to always have a word, a smile or a look that lets whomever it is know that they are loved and valued; from my daughter to the panhandler outside the local gas station to the politician I vehemently disagree with.

I want everyone to realize that everyone has value and purpose and was created in love.
That God loves everybody...whether you like it or not...so you might as well, cause it doesn't hurt to be on the Big Guy's (Girl's?) good side.

Did you know YOU were created with a purpose?
Not just some hum drum way to drudge through life. There's actually an IMPORTANT reason why you are here. This is why it is so VERY important that you ARE YOU...I mean the YOU you were created to be.
So many of us hide under masks or try to be something we're not...we do this for so many reasons but ultimately it's because for some reason we don't think we're special or good enough just the way we are. OR WORSE that something is WRONG with us.
My teachers always said I talked too much and my friends said I was bossy because I always thought I knew better than they did.
See...those are just my spiritual gifts in hiding
yeah I love to talk...look, I'm talking to you now and I have SOMETHING TO SAY that is good!
I don't think I'm too bossy now but I will tell you...once I've learned something awesome I can't help but wanna share it.

I'm the weird one and I don't mind
I dance in the kitchen while I'm stirring the sauce
I quote random song lyrics at the drop of a hat
I speak my mind even when my voice shakes
I love you even when I don't like your behavior
I believe it never hurts to ask and that it's always okay to say 'no'
I don't have to change the world, but as I change me...the world changes too

I'm far from perfect
I still struggle with my own demons
but I'm honest about them...and I'm changing because of that, and change is good.

I'm a Christian and my faith is the center tentpole of my life
I disagree with lots of Churchianity
I can admit when I'm wrong but will keep speaking when I feel that something just isn't right

Above all, I want you to know that being yourself is the best gift you can give God (Sam, the Universe, your IDA). You were created JUST THE WAY YOU ARE for a reason
Don't change it ...if you do, well then you can't do what you were created to do
because only YOU can do that thing
and we need you
:)

Verbal Vomit

2010-04-06T19:43:00.001-04:00

I don't know why I started eating but I did notice I started
had some left over pork fried rice when I got home from work and a cheese stick
that wasn't too bad...logged it...all good
It's gonna be around 8 or so before dinner with all the household extracurriculars and I had a bowl of soup for lunch.
Then I got munchy
so I had 4 graham crackers with some home made strawberry jam
then I got out the peanut butter
then I ate the rest of the jam
yup
right out of the jar
now mind you, there was maybe 1/4 cup of jam left but really? right out of the frickin jar?
then I had some roasted peanuts
probably about a cup full in all
ugh
and you know what
my brain wanted more
I stopped because my daughter had to head off to tumbling
we got there and found out it was cancelled tonight which is a good thing because I really couldve been at risk for dropping her off and hitting the 7-11 for some fritos or some other gloriously awful binge type food
WHY?
I'm soothing
but WHAT?
It hasn't been a bad day...in fact, it's been an awesome day
I figured out a catchy brand for my podcast/blog and started brainstorming the episode schedule
I had lots of good laughs with my BFF
Works was good
I felt a little teary watching something funny on TV (I don't get that...tears at funny?)
I'm not premenstrual or menstrual...that was last week
so WHY?

JOAN is being oddly quiet

Since I'm just thinking out loud here I'm gonna run with the idea that maybe it's because I'm excited about my podcast/blog idea
I want to travel
I want to write
I want to teach/lecture/counsel
and I thought of a real deal brand/concept that encompasses everything I want to travel/write/teach/lecture/counsel about
I feel excited about it
I feel like it's something I can do and be good at
I feel like it could really make a difference in the world...or at least my little sphere of influence

~~But you'll never do it~~
~~you get these ideas and then they just sit there, on a shelf~~
~~who will hire you~~
~~how much will you charge~~
~~how will you ever make money at this~~
~~who will even listen to you~~
~~hell only 4 people read your blog~~

Ahhh...there she is
sigh

I stopped eating
I told my daughter
I told the blogosphere...all 4 of you
I restarted my counter
and I'm staying true to myself
Authentic
I am what I am and that's all I can be

sigh

2010-04-06T18:45:00.002-04:00

i'm eating
will write about it later

Breathing

2010-04-05T14:39:00.001-04:00

I realized I never did a follow up post and some of you may be holding your breath!
Yes, this blog is for me but I do know that I have very caring readers and just as important...I RE-READ all the time so reading resolution is important!

My email to my mom was very factual. I'm sure there were some emotions tied in there too but honestly I just cut and paste a bit of my blog entry and tweaked a few things here and there. I felt really comfortable hitting the send button and I didn't frantically check my email looking for a response.

The next morning I had two.
The first simply said, "I'm sorry. Momma"
The next one got a bit more intense and defensive...but nothing overly dramatic.

I realized there was information my mom didn't know...
In my family, we would rather know the truth...even if it might sting a little...than to hear a false complement.
If it's not true, then it's a lie.
This is simply a statement, not a character judgement
I didn't call mom a liar, I simply said she didn't tell the truth
Semantics, I know but still.

Mom admitted that she has said
she doesnt like my tattoos
she is concerned about my marriage
and she didn't like my daughter's hair

You know what...after I read that I was fine
there was closure.

Now she knows...she needs to be straight up or not say anything
The boundary has been set.
Now if it happens again, there is a standard to uphold
If it doesnt happen again...well then she's growing
Both are good outcomes :)

Vacation

2010-04-03T10:11:00.000-04:00

Vacation is not necessarily good for my food plan
I need a schedule
But it is vacation...so I haven't been to hard on myself about the foods I've chosen
Even though it is vacation, I have been mindful of WHY I'm eating
I was bored a couple of times
It was 'there' a couple of times
I'm back home now and think this month I'll think of ways to have a routine in the absence of a schedule because weekends can mess me up at times too.
Not beating myself up, can't hear JOAN berating me
just taking stock and moving on :)

Happy Birthday Bm!

Why vacation you ask?
Because 12 years ago today my beautiful Lil B was born :)
We went to the beach for 4 days
turns out it was the same beach town where she was born so we did some sight seeing down memory lane and made some new memories too :-)
I walked on the beach for nearly an hour every day...man do I love and miss that!
We soaked up the sun, we learned to knit, we watched iCarly (because we no longer have cable at home and it's Bm's favorite show). We slept in and we stayed up late...woo hoo vacation :)

waiting to exhale

2010-03-28T21:51:00.000-04:00

just hit send
email to my mom
she won't be happy
she'll force me to talk to her
it will be uncomfortable
i may or may not
but i hit send

If it's not one thing, it's my mother

2010-03-28T11:51:00.001-04:00

I have to say something to my mother
I'm angry and I don't care that I'm angry
Mom says one thing to my face, and another to everyone else and I hate that. I've always hated that no matter who has done it.
This time she said something ABOUT my daughter
and my daughter knows that she did it
and I couldn't even look at her yesterday
gee I must be pissed because these short phrases are starting to get annoying but I can't seem to string together more words with any sense of coherence or grammatical structure (never mind correctness which probably isn't even a word)

BIG BREATH IN
BIG BREATH OUT

Last night was the first twinge I got that JOAN really could be my mother in disguise
Last night was the first time ever that I explained to my sister (from whom I'm sorta estranged) that I am in individual and group therapy for an eating disorder
Mom didn't really say anything...but she pooh-poohed the whole notion with everything but her words
My sister got it, was very surprised to hear...but she got it and hugged me for being so brave to go through it and work on it.

I feel yucky inside
Like I want her to just go away
very much how I feel about JOAN

Mom, you need to know that Bm was quite upset to hear that you lied to her about whether or not you liked her hair. You see, she doesn't care whether you like it or not, she likes it. She understands that not everyone 'gets' her fashion sense or style. What she doesn't understand is why her own grandmother would lie to her about how beautiful she was with her new 'do. Or why she had to hear from a man she'd never met before that her grandmother really doesn't like it and has been talking about it. Don't you see that now she won't believe you when you tell her she's beautiful

photo credit

Don't you know this is why I don't feel special
I'm not a smart cookie and I'm not "so special"
You said these things to me over and over again to make me believe them
but somehow early on I knew they weren't true
I still don't think they're true
I can never be smart enough and I can't be proud of myself without sabotaging my very being and happiness in the same breath.

You are not allowed to tell me what a great mother you think I am and the berate my kids behind my back
You are not allowed to tell me what a wonderful man I married and then tell others you don't think our marriage will last
Please do not say how beautiful you think my home is
Do not tell me you think I look thin
Do not compliment my eyes and search for hugs and kisses
I do not know you
I do not know what is true
Do not feign that you care about my father as you inquire about his well being
Do not
Do not
Do not

My body cringed and went numb when you sought hugs yesterday
My mind fought to focus hard on the newest addition to our family yesterday and strained to avoid your gaze
I did not want to be around you
I did not want to talk to you
I wanted to tell you off
I think I just might

I usually feel better after I blog
today I do not
this is yucky
:-(

That's so stupid...

2010-03-20T13:40:00.002-04:00

***Warning, photos in this post may be disturbing to some***

I was hit with a wall of emotions this morning.
I'm finishing up my BA in Social Services (psych and soc) and there is a required lab component to my Biology class. The lab consists of dissecting a fetal pig.
About a week or two ago I realized I might have a problem with that...not because it's gross, or I don't like to get my fingers dirty...but a real problem...philosophically.
My BFF asked why I didn't try the 'conscientious objector' route...so I did.
I would be given an alternate assignment on the day of lab.

I thought this was a fair trade. I was willing to just take the hit to my grade for not completing the lab component (thus saving my Saturday), but that was not an option presented (even though I offered) so I was in a HS Biology lab room at 9:00 this morning.
It smelled like I remember HS Biology smelling.

photo credit*

I made eye contact with the professor, he acknowledged that he knew I would be completing an alternate assignment and I took a seat.

They were packaged in vacuum seal bags.
The baby pigs.
That or sloshing around in a formaldehyde solution in a 5 gallon bucket.
I started to feel a bit anxious.

photo credit

The professor placed one pig per dissection tray around the room and classmates started joking nervously (to quell their own discomfort I'm sure) about which were boys, which were girls and whether or not they squealed when they died.
At that point, I had to leave because I just couldn't breathe.

I went for a walk down the hall, found a bathroom and let out a good sigh and several tears.
That's when JOAN started. Who knew she had opinions about this too?

~~You know you're just being silly about this...~~

~~This is just so stupid...~~

~~They're all laughing at you, you know...~~

~~This is nothing to cry over and you are overreacting...~~

~~How could you feel this way if you didn't even know it bothered you until last week, I mean really?!~~

~~Just suck it up~~.

I wanted to leave.
I wanted to pack up my book bag, politely excuse myself, get in my car and cry all the way home.
I felt like I had swallowed my heart and it was stuck in my throat and my stomach was just churning.

As groups were assigned lab tables, my tears leaked a little and my voice cracked, a classmate suggested I go wait in the hall for the professor to give me my assignment and she followed me out not long after.
She asked if she could give me a hug (I'm not usually the 'huggy' type with strangers) and as she put her arms around me I cried.

I feel like I'm being stupid
You're not being stupid this is how you feel
I'm in recovery from a life long eating disorder and I'm only just starting to 'feel' feelings.
Well no wonder this is so overwhelming

And the conversation went on from there
Turns out this classmate is recovering from some demons of her own past and although I might've liked it better if the Universe didn't decide to bring us together for our catharsis over pigs...I can at least find some understanding of why I was where I was at the time I was there...sigh

I got over the "I have to get out of here NOW" feeling, went into an adjacent classroom and waited for my alternate assignment. I looked at slides

paramecium photo credit

Amoeba photo credit

photo credit

Spirogyra was my favorite...and they were a pretty good band too

I drew pictures of what I saw, dialogued with the prof about what I wanna be when I grow up and made it through the entirety of lab (he ended 5 hours early...Hallelujah!)

No one thought I was stupid
A few different people poked their head in to make sure I was okay throughout the morning and after all the pigs were out of sight, I joined the class again for our lab wrap up.

I feel emotionally sore
You know...after you work out you feel it start to settle into your muscles a few hours later
That emotional surge is settling in
It's still a bit unsettling but...

I didn't listen to JOAN, I stuck to my guns and honored my feelings
I was honest about what I was feeling
I told someone (a stranger!) about my eating disorder and didn't feel shame
and I didn't eat...which I might have if I actually left when I wanted to.

There's success in there somewhere
someday I'll recognize what that feels like
but for now I'll just hit 'publish post.'
*Carolina's preserved pigs were not raised for the purpose of dissection; they are a byproduct of the pork industry. Most of the pigs were stillborn and would be discarded were they not reutilized for educational purposes.

Trusting that Babs knows what's good for herself

2010-03-19T13:38:00.000-04:00

Of the gajillions of diets/food plans/programs I've tried in the past...one was actually 'successful' in that I managed to lose weight and keep it off, I even became a meeting leader for the company.
Those successes started to fade not necessarily because the program itself was 'bad,' it just wasn't complete in that it didn't get to the crux of my emotional motivators for eating.

So...now that I'm getting the emotional support through therapy, group and my blog, I'm 'following' the guidelines again on my own. I'm not going to meetings or anything like that because I'm happy with the current support network sessions I have going, but I am logging my food on line keeping within the parameters the system sets up. Well, sortof.

See, if you remember I'm not weighing anymore. I haven't weighed since January 25, 2010. In fact, I've created a new blog page JUST to list new ways I have of measuring my success. (pssst, today I'm wearing pants I haven't worn in a year!!)

So, there's the rub
Sorta
This plan assigns food credits based on weight
the more you weigh, the more credits you get
as you lose weight, you decrease your food credits.

But I'm not weighing myself
I will not
The scale is NOT and has never been my friend...even during aforementioned "success."

Now, let's helicopter back to 2005 when I was 'at goal' and leading meetings
Even then I argued that I felt best, and noticed the greatest success at a certain credit level
When I went lower, I felt undernourished and struggled to make sure I got in my dairy/fats/meats/etc
When I went higher, I gained weight.
But I never trusted myself to just set my food credit level and have a devil may care attitude about what credits I was supposed to stick to.

Now if you remember, I started counting because of the damn doctor scale.
At the time, I started at my favorite credit level.
I'm having success...check out the page!
I know I've 'lost' according to the scale that I'm not stepping on
but I don't know how much
so I can't adjust my credits

JOAN wants to adjust the credits
You have to change your credits, it won't work if you don't decrease your credits. Do you think the professionals are stupid? They obviously know what they're doing they've created the program and it's a worldwide success. You really just need to give up this pettiness and step on the scale and do this right.

I thought about just making up a number ...something that represented how much I think I have lost, just to change my credits...but somewhere I knew that would be me caving into what JOAN wants...and my original intention was to trust my theory.

It's my theory
It might be wrong but I won't know unless I try it
There's been NOTHING that has led me to believe that it is wrong thus far (hello pants!)
so I need to trust myself
I'm trusting myself
I'm sticking with my current level of credits
I'm feeding myself well
I'm seeing successes
and JOAN can go stuff it :P

Asking for a recount

2010-03-16T21:02:00.001-04:00

In the 2000 presidential election, Al Gore won the popular vote but lost the election.
If you lived in Florida at the time, you were the butt of the country's jokes as the awarding of Florida's 25 electoral votes was hanging by a chad. It was the closest election since 1876 and only the fourth election in which the electoral vote did not reflect the popular vote.

My decision to write this post does not reflect the popular vote. JOAN doesn't quite know what to think, my body is anxious and my mind is torn between whether this is a 'confession' or just a step in the process.

JOAN has been trying to play the semantics card.
I used food to soothe today...in a different way than I usually have, or mean when I say "use food to soothe."
~~There you go eating again, if you're really honest you'll write about it...but you won't because you're already wondering whether or not this counts"~~

I stayed home from work and school today because I'm suffering from last night's gluten ingest.
My stomach has been VERY unhappy all day and eating has been touch and go today.
I think somewhere in the recess of my mind, this feels a lot like what my stomach would feel like towards the end of a binge and I'd keep eating until the 'feeling' went away.

A couple of times today I ate because I was hoping to get away from the uncomfortable stomach. How backwards right?
I was okay 'food plan' wise until I had some trail mix and peanuts (pretty high in calories/points)
But even if I HAD stayed on plan...my reason for eating was to ease discomfort
I was suffering from digestive distress and I tried EATING to soothe it?

So
I've restarted my counter
Once I pasted the code, I actually felt pretty good about it
My body 'rested' and JOAN shut up
She's still flitting her foot in the background...but she can't say anything.

I'm not going to restrict tomorrow
I didn't eat 'bad' food
I just ate for the wrong reasons
I'm learning not to learn that anymore
I'm sharing what I learn
OUT LOUD

so there...

photo credit

The blog's new clothes

2010-03-16T11:30:00.004-04:00

Yeah I know, it doesn't matter what the page looks like...as long as I put things on the page...
sigh

I've been in the mood to change my background for a while, and with Blogger's new template designer it's a little bit easier. Maybe I'll just change my backgrounds every once in a while, or flip my columns around.
I like that I can use photos as my background YAY!
...I don't like that I can't upload my own photo ... BOO :(
I like that I can still use my counter...
...I don't like that the words have to show...I kinda just liked the numbers...it was for me (and those of you who get it) but I guess why hide...and I guess those that deserve the credit for making the funky little widget should get it...but it's gunking up my header :(
JOAN said to ~~just delete it~~
uh...NO!
My counter helps me get through some risky times! It was really just 'luck' that the words/ads didn't show before so I'll deal.

Today I'm home 'unwell' because of gluten contamination.

Today it's hitting me HARD
but I realize that means I've done exceptionally well at eliminating it from my diet.
Eating out is so risky
I wasn't as smart as I could've been with my food choice last night
it didn't take long to realize I'd been glutened.
The only ones who love being close today are my puppies

So, I'm playing around with my blog template
Virtual schizophrenia :)
I'll study for my Biology test tonight
and I'll be nice to my belly
:(

photo credit

"You should be so PROUD of yourself!"

2010-03-14T11:41:00.000-04:00

I know people mean well when they say this to me.
I mean, if someone wanted to hurt my feelings, why on earth would they encourage me to feel good about myself?
But this seemingly harmless string of seven words hits me like i imagine vertigo would feel. The simple removal of ONE word and I'd stand on my own two feet with no issues...but that "P" word...gets me every time.

Number-one-son said it to me yesterday.
Now when number-one-son pays a compliment...I TAKE IT (anyone who lives with or who has lived with a soon-to-be-fifteen year-old boy knows what I'm talking about).
I had just recounted to the hub how I went 'shopping in the closet' that afternoon and found 4 or 5 pairs of pants that can move to the 'wear them now' rack and two more that 'aren't that far away.'

N-O-S: "Do you think that's because you've been running?"
Me: "Yeah, some, and because I haven't abused food in a long time, and I've been sticking to a food plan for a few months..."
N-O-S: "That's cool, you should be proud of yourself"
Me: ...well I didn't say anything, I felt that twilight-zone swirly thing in front of my face and went back to doing what I was doing...

Later on that night I was part of a team interpreting for Aretha Franklin (yeah, my job can be uber-cool sometimes) and there were lots of 'atta girl - atta boy' type comments flying around.

I should have been proud of myself...I knocked some lyrical concepts OUT.OF.THE.PARK...but I tend to sweep the praise under the rug (then walk on it for extra good measure) so it was hard for me to hear.

I need to work on this one.

But in other news...

I am excited about the successful shopping trip (in my closet).

Earlier this week a pair of shorts traveled up and over my hips nicely and I'm glad to have the alternate form of measure as I really feel JOAN needs to pack the scale when she leaves and take it with her.

I have some homework from therapy...I'll save that for a separate post so I can chew on all the particulars...but something struck me today that could turn into a good metaphor for me...

We don't live in the fanciest of houses

We intentionally bought an older cottage-type house because it had a YARD and lots of character (read: needs some work). Now if Ty Pennington WANTS to come over and re-do our house, I'd sure let him...but my remodel projects usually sit at the couple hundred dollar mark...not the tens-of-thousands dollar mark.

If you were to come and 'inspect' my work...you'd find glitches and imperfections but I'm okay with that.

Like THIS project I did a couple of years ago. See...BIG difference from before to after.

Honestly, our kitchen cabinets need to just come down and the floor needs to be replaced but I couldn't do that in a week...what I could do is give it a face lift...and I did, under the mantra "They're not my forever cabinets, they're my for now cabinets." I didn't do it perfectly but it's leaps and bounds better than it was before!

Just like this past Friday when I started the living room make-over with a coat of paint in the hallway.

If you look closely...you can see the imperfections in the wall, and the wiggles in my cut-in line...but the difference in the room is inspiring. It's not my forever house, it's my for now house and painting it made me love it in a new way. I didn't do it perfectly, but it's leaps and bounds better than it was before!

While I was washing the dishes this morning, with my face in close proximity to the cabinets, I noticed some of the short-cuts I took when painting them. JOAN tried to start talking but BABS jumped in there and said, "They're not my forever cabinets, they're my for now cabinets and they're leaps and bounds better than they were before and that's perfect-enough for me"

ugh how I hated that grape wallpaper "backsplash"

Yeah, that's right.

It makes me happier to come into this kitchen than it did to look at the GRAPES OF WRATH kitchen.

It makes me happier to look at the new blue shutters on the house than it did to look at the dingy white ones

It makes my smile go "BAM" to walk out my bedroom door and see a richly colored wall each morning now that the hallway is painted...and those things are all PERFECT in their own way.

So...Babs, why not apply that same logic to your body. "It's not my forever body, it's my for now body and it's leaps and bounds better than it was before!"

~~Who are you kidding? you used to wear a size FOUR!~~

Yeah, I still have some JOAN issues

But I like this new metaphor, I think I could be proud of this one...

It's not my forever body, it's my for now body...it's a work in progress and I'm working on it!

another thing on my list....check

2010-03-13T14:55:00.002-05:00

Last night I earned the right to highlight something on my list (I'm not crossing out...that would be JOAN speak and this stuff is ALL BABS)

We've had deliciously colored paint for the living room and hallways for about 8 months now. The pictures don't quite do it justice but the name of the color is Tibetan Orange, our contrast color will be Red Pepper...I can't WAIT until it's done, it'll be like being wrapped in the Dalai Lama's robes! (looking at this picture, I'll have to get some lighter orange accents, maybe pillows or picture frames...)
Friday, I found myself with the boys out of the house and the mini-me at a Girl Scout lock in...
What to do, what to do?
Since Bm had to be dropped off at 8:45pm, it would be too late for a massage or yoga class or a touch up to my pedicure...maybe a movie? maybe a trip to the book store?

I'LL PAINT THE HALLWAY.
As soon as I said it (okay I typed it, in an IM to my BFF while at work...we do that often), I KNEW it was the right thing to do because my heart got excited.
Now...if you're a faithful reader, you'll know that my head and heart rarely agree and when they do I'm not often aware of it...so this was a BIG DEAL (If you're not a faithful reader...start reading dangit! This is good stuff!)

I didn't get both hallways done...I didn't think I would but I DID start with the one that leads to OUR bedroom...so I can smile and admire my handiwork each day to and from bed :)
And it was WORK let me tell you!
When I awoke this morning, there was no mistaking my arms were in a position above shoulder level for an extended period of time yesterday...but it's all good!

The hub and I hit the big box store for some additional supplies and we're gonna work on the rest of the room (hallway, living room) together tomorrow.
We might not get it done...but we've got it going!

This Princess and the frog...

2010-03-07T21:42:00.001-05:00

Saturday March 6th I participated in my first 5K.
It was the Princess and the Frog Royal Family 5K at Disney World.

My adventure started Friday at the race expo when I picked up my race number and goody bag.
I felt VERY weird at the expo. Part of me just wanted to grab my number and head back out to my car but I MADE myself walk through the vendors and displays. JOAN kept saying ~~"You don't belong here"~~ so I just kept walking.
There wasn't much there that I was interested in purchasing...most of the merchandise was geared toward the half marathon runners but I still peeked at every booth.

I DID find a cool decal that was rather validating in the sea of runners... but I couldn't bring myself to charge $2.00 so I'll just have to look for it locally in one of the sports shops.

When I got home I got focused and worked on my t-shirt. The front turned out even better than I thought it would...but when I went to add the 'tag line' to the back, I didn't separate the layers of the shirt and part of the front transfer wound up on the ironing board...sigh. It bummed me out for about 90 seconds. Then I decided I wasn't happy with the type of T-shirt I got anyway and would much rather have a ringer tee. So, now that I know the transfer will work the way I want it to...and the potential pit falls, I'll be ready to make it when I find the perfect shirt.

Race Day we awoke at 5am
Me, hubs and the two mini-est me's.
Due to the aforementioned t-shirt debacle, I wore the race shirt provided in my goody bag...it was all good anyway...my bib number would've covered up my custom shirt ~smile~
With my tiara resting nicely in between my pigtails, I was ready to go.
Breakfast of a larabar, banana, small cottage cheese and some water and we were on our way.

I was anxious the whole drive.
Really, if I'd have driven myself...I never would've made it there...I TOTALLY would've turned around and gone home.
The kids and hub were excited for me...I didn't know what I was
'feeling' was such a foreign concept so I totally moved on brain power...one foot in front of the other.

We got to the race location around 6:15am and made our way to the spectator area/start line. I felt tears well up more than once and had to bury my head in my hub's shoulders a couple of times to keep from leaking. If I hadn't, if I had just let the tears flow...I know there was a panic attack waiting to happen.
I wasn't scared
I just didn't 'feel' right.
I just didn't 'feel.

6:50am and it's time to line up. I made my way towards the back of the crowd near the sign clearly marked "WALKERS." There were a TON of people...easily at least 1000 in all. All shapes, sizes, ages and costumes...yes costumes. Lots of princesses, even a dad in a tutu running with his little snow white princess daughter. "You have the most beautiful tiara here!" someone next to me pointed out as she tugged her race buddy to see. "Thanks" (shy grin).

The pre-race music at least got me bouncing and got my mind off of my lack of feeling. We all hummed along to the national anthem and then...the countdown 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5....4...3...2...1!

It took a few more minutes for us to begin to move...the race had a series of starts according to speed so I finally crossed the start line on my way around 7:05am.

The first half mile consisted of lots of dodging...some folks walking slowly, some with strollers, others trying to jog around the cones...I even ran a bit here and there. The first water station was at the 1.5 mile mark and I was feeling good and starting to feel as though I'd finish in time...mostly because there were a BUNCH of people behind me.

Around the 2 mile mark I figured I was maintaining a pace around a 15-min mile and also realized I was running past some pretty cool architecture (the course took us through Epcot) and I made a mental (actually I think I said it out loud) note to pay attention to the things around me.

I alternated walking and jogging throughout the whole course without beating myself up too much...I'd give myself an end-point once I started to run and I kept my breathing even...taking note of how comfortable my hip felt and any twinge that might appear in my shins...not too shabby.

The second water station was at the 2.5 mile mark and I noticed I was smiling as I thought about the finish line. A fellow runner caught up with me to apologize for staring at my leg but she was just dying to see my leg sleeve and ask what it was and figured it better to just come ask rather than get distracted and take out a bunch of fellow racers if she tripped! That made me giggle and we chit chatted about tattoos, whether or not they hurt, how many I have ...yada yada...which took me to "Right around this building and you'll SEE the finish line."

It was time to run out the last leg of the race.
Once I rounded the corner I started to jog and it wasn't long before I saw the finish line...I wanted to cut back down to a walk but I was so close I just kept going and pushed it those last 50 yards. I was looking for my fam but the sun was positioned in just a way that the glare made that impossible.

I finished in 44 minutes.

I still didn't know how to feel.
I just finished...a smiling woman at the end of the track handed me my completion medal (~~it's a rubber design on the end of a lanyard~~) and I moved through the water/Gatorade lines returning to a normal breathing pattern and scanning the crowd for my family.

There they all were...smiling and proud
"How do you Feel?"
I really didn't know
"I don't feel anything yet"
"Aren't you Proud?!"
"Yeah, I'll get there...this is new for me"

My fam is so cool
they get it
they know

The physical part...wasn't hard for me...I actually really love running and want to do more of it
Every other part...was VERY hard for me
I still don't quite know I how I feel
I don't have any 'connection' to it
to my medal
or my t-shirt
or my number

But I'll get there.
I'm going to frame my number and medal.
My t-shirt will eventually wind up in my memory quilt.

For now I'm re-reading all the "I'm so proud of you" text messages I got
and letting them soak in.

I treated myself to a manicure and pedicure after race so now I have pretty toes :)

And today...I finally painted the shutters outside. I say finally because I bought the paint for them at LEAST a year ago more like two...it was a 'reward' probably for some weight loss or something weight related...but I never gave myself the reward. Today I did...and I LOVE the result :)

Thanks to everyone who sent me well wishes and shared their 'proud' with me.
xo

Babs

My 100

2010-03-07T10:44:00.003-05:00

Here it is LouLou!

Okay...you've probably seen this on a couple of blogs lately if you're a lurker...
the concept is to write a list of 100 things you'd like to do within the next 'specified period of time' (usually 5 years).
I've read some interesting comments on other people's lists...like "what happens if it takes 6.5 years, is that a fail?" Interesting idea there...especially since so many of us *raising hand like Horshack* consider ourselves failures when we set our selves up with unobtainable goals...

So, while I AM going to make a list of things i DEFINITELY want to do...I'm not putting a time limit on them. I think this will actually work for the Babs in me (and I KNOW it will stab away bits and pieces of the JOAN in me because SHE needs stuff done yesterday.)
Perhaps knowing that it's on the list...will make it seem not as rushed and yet still attainable.
We shall see... ;)

figure out my top 100 to do list
paint the living room
paint the hallways (3/12/10)
paint the bedroom
clean out the yard (3/13/10)
complete my BA
write a book
article published in magazine or webzine
publish a podcast
visit paris
visit macedonia
visit sicily
Authenticity Road Trip (yup this will tie in with my book and podcast...this will be my national tour ~smile~)
go as 'off grid' as comfortably possible
live in a yurt
learn how to knit
make remnants quilt
have a honey bee box
grow my own produce
lower the case of JOAN
grow my hair past my shoulders
love my grey
learn and use new ways to cope (not food)
jump out of a perfectly good airplane
hike/raft grand canyon
audition for community theater (again)
participate in community theater (again)
complete a 5K (hey look I can already cross one off!)
run a 5K
run a 10K
run a half marathon (I think I'll stop here)
Danskin Triathlon (I've done this once as a relay and trained to do it on my own in 2001 but it was cancelled that year due to 9/11 and I never tried again)
Take dancing lessons with my hub
paint my window shutters (i did this one today after i wrote my list!)
grow sunflowers
drive a cool retro v-dub
touch every state in the continental US
heck, touch the other two too
practice yoga regularly (again)
teach yoga (again)
bike lake tahoe
make jewelry
take a week off in the keys with NO plans
speak french more fluently
use my digital camera more often
learn the settings on my digital camera
post my interpreting videos for the world to see
be proud of myself
think of the next 50 things on my list
....

I got stuck

is it bad I can't think of 100 things I want to do?

or maybe it's good because I've DONE them :)

Shaking in my sneakers

2010-03-05T13:22:00.009-05:00

Okay it comes as no surprise to me, nor should it to you...I'm scared about tomorrow
I intended to run a 5K back in October, got a couple sponsors, downloaded a podcast...4 weeks in my IT band was screaming and I stopped training

I intended to run THIS 5K tomorrow
Paid the registration fee, downloaded a new podcast
2 weeks in my IT band was screaming and I had to slow down
I decided I could walk it (gasp, that was a HUGE decision) ~~it's a RACE not a stroll, dear~~.
So I've been walking on the treadmill, and swimming/running laps in the pool
Coming to terms with the fact that WALKING a 5K is still a big deal.
It's a "Princess" 5K so I'm even wearing a Tiara (that's my Babsness peeking out)

But this week I started wondering if I could finish it in time
You have to maintain a 16 min mile pace or better in order to get a completion medal (there are no top honors...everyone who crosses in time gets a medal.
~~If you can't do that you're a louse~~.
What if I CAN'T do that.

Well...considering I've signed up before, and paid before...actually SHOWING up would be an improvement from my previous attempts.

So I go to pick up my number this afternoon
My hub and mini me are coming with me tomorrow morning
I'll do my very best
and be proud that I did

ohhhhhh THAT hit a visceral nerve!

I've been a bit snacky today...I've stayed on plan just been munching my food each time I take a break (every hr) which isn't how I normally do it.

Listen body,
Tomorrow we're going to go for a walk, just you and me
Yeah there will be other people there...they may choose to go slower or faster than we do, but that doesn't matter. We'll do the best we can and it will feel great...you remember that awesome 'zappy electric' feeling we get in our legs after we've walked the dogs? Yeah that! And there will be cool stuff to look at because we're 'walking around the world' at Epcot. So, the view will be good, I'm sure the music will rock and we're sure to see some interesting characters (human and costumed!).
Can we run one of these someday, maybe...would I like to, yeah but if you're not okay with that we can find something else to do. We've both enjoyed being in the pool as of late, and we know we love yoga so why don't we do that anymore?

It's okay if tomorrow doesn't work out the way I originally thought it would. I don't think my original thoughts were very realistic anyway...yeah, anyone CAN run a 5K, and someday I might
Tomorrow, I'm honoring my body
Tomorrow, I'm honoring a goal that I set for myself
Tomorrow, I'm saying NO to JOAN!

photo credit

Things to Do (and keep in mind!)

2010-03-04T15:01:00.000-05:00

Dear Lou Lou challenged me to follow in Brie's footsteps in a list of 100 things I'd like to accomplish. I totally love this idea and will do it...but 100 seems rather daunting for my intermittent time on line right now so you'll have to settle for this AWESOME list sent by one of my Juilliaaahd buds.
I love it! Especially number 30!

HANDBOOK 2010
Health:

1. Drink plenty of water.

2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.

3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants...

4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy

5. Make time to meditate.

6. Play more games

7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .

8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day

9. Sleep for 7 hours.

10. Take a 10-30 minute walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:

11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.

14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.

16. Dream more while you are awake

17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.

20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

23. Smile and laugh more.

24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:
25. Call your family often.

26. Each day give something good to others.

27. Forgive everyone for everything.

28. Spend time w/people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.

29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

30. What other people think of you is none of your business.

31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!

33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

34. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..

35. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

36. The best is yet to come..

37. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Homework

2010-03-04T13:00:00.000-05:00

i've been procrastinating this one so long i forgot the instructions
but it goes along the lines of...
make a list of all the things you know to be true about yourself
but then she said...

make a list of things that are true about you

didja catch the difference?
immediately that was 2 different lists to me

I thought about tracing my body out on some butcher paper and using 2 different colored post it notes to reflect the semantics

but I never got around to that

I have some time between work and therapy...but I really wanna go check out this uber cool thrift shop that is between here and there so I'm going to do that instead

I guess there's a reason I didn't do my homework
although...I am a 'best when under pressure' kinda gal and usually save my homework for the last minute
somehow this feels different
and besides...tonight is a double whammy night individual then group...
I have had a lot of 'stuff' come up this week...so maybe I'll just list that for tonight's session and put the chalk outline on my to do list for this week :)

photo credit 1
photo credit 2

blogaddicition?

2010-03-03T14:13:00.001-05:00

Perusing through my blog list the other morning, Sarah's entry caused some interesting thoughts to swirl...

Yesterday my 'run down' post was 100% totally for me.Those simple statements needed to come to life as more than just distant voices and ideas hiding in the recesses of my brain.

It seems to me that thoughts can get stuck
just a 'thought' can get stuck forever a thought
if I had actually spoken to JOAN years ago...I wonder if she would've gone away
I never did...until recently
she was stuck...forever in my thoughts
i've let her out...i've given her 'life' now she can go

It is truly why I blog
I blog for myself
Virtural lurkers may participate at will but I don't write for them
Yes there have been a nanosecond or two where I've thought ~~'ooh, my hub will read this'~~ but that (as you can see) wasn't me, it was JOAN...she likes it when I keep things quiet, when she can just stay tucked away with the thoughts where she is comfortable and in control.
Sometimes I try to think of how to say something more poetically, using the trunk of metaphors shoved into the closet that is my head...but that's just because I want to be a better writer.
But when I'm dumping...you know not eating just writing, there is no editor, there is no 'posh language inserted here moment' because my fingers move faster than I can think of the words (must have something to do with that mind/body split thing)

Blogging has replaced my use of food to soothe...instead of turning to the fridge, I open my laptop and spew my feelings out my fingers
I will say that...so maybe it is my replacement addiction
I did, for a while, get caught up in who, when, from where...yada yada and all the stats that can make a blogger feel important

But I do feel important
I'm helping MYSELF
turns out in the process, I may be helping someone else too
I know I get a lot of 'healing' reading other blogs
and can I just tell you...JOAN and ED and all their other cohorts HATE it!
So keep reading, keep writing, keep talking
Live out Loud
Let your thoughts out
I am
and I will keep doing so

the run down

2010-03-02T17:26:00.000-05:00

I have been counting points since January 15th 2010
I have stayed on plan since that day
I have not soothed with food since January 10th 2010
I have thought about it
I have not stepped on a scale since January 25th 2010
I do not plan to (of my own accord) until January 25th 2011
I have thought about it

I have clothes that are fitting more comfortably
I look at and appreciate my body daily
I answer JOAN back, out loud, on a regular basis

I am still in therapy
I am finding my Babsness (again)
I am feeling the need for a personal day...and have scheduled several over the next few months
I am excited about healing
I can feel it happen, bit by bit, every day

Great Googly Moogly!

2010-03-01T15:25:00.002-05:00

Okay I really wanted to say HOLY SHIT! (but then I thought better of it)
really? It's been 50 days since I last used food to soothe!
man I love my counter thingie!!!

It's just a few days away...

2010-03-01T15:22:00.001-05:00

Saturday is my 5K!
I watched the little video on the web page and got a little teary and scared and excited all at the same time. At least I THINK those were the feelings I was experiencing :)

My race starts at 7am

My hub is gonna be at the finish line :)

I have a tiara (thanks to a co worker)
and this ---------------------->
will be my t-shirt
yeah, I know they're giving me a commemorative one...
but I like this better so I bought a tee and some iron on transfer funky paper and VOILA
oh yes... the little 'brand' note on the back between my shoulder blades?
~SayNoToJOAN~

yup...my own clothing line just for me!
tee hee

speaking of clothing...
today i started
(yeah, hub gets home after a week away and blammo...ppttth)
but anyway I digress...
so i pulled out the fat pants
mind you...these barely fit in Dec and it pissed me off coz they're FAT pants...not every day pants
so today was the perfect day for them
and
and
and....they. are. loose!
Yes loose
so loose they're long (because my butt doesn't hold em up as high)

So yeah JOAN started
~~"ooh see, you should step on the scale! just see...come on just a tiny peek to see! Think of how great it will be AND you're bleeding so it's really even more of a loss than what you'll see!"~~

Shut up JOAN.
I didn't do it (step on the scale that is)
I only considered it for a second and I don't even think that was me (Babs)
Know why? The pants are enough!

Funny...after that I just kept singin'
'There's a new way to be human...'
I dunno the rest of that song, or if it even fits...but THAT did
and I didn't get on the scale :)

photo credit

...so I don't eat

2010-02-24T22:39:00.003-05:00

I'm going to go to bed soon...so I don't eat

but I write so I don't eat...so I'll do some of that first
I guess there are a lot of reasons why I might WANT to eat
my hub is snowboarding
i'm premenstrual
the condition of my house is bugging me (probably because i'm premenstrual and my hub is snowboarding)
i submitted a presenter application for 3 workshops at an upcoming weekend conference
ACK

I didn't really have any problems typing up my application and tweaking my resume (although I do need a presenter's resume...not an job hunt resume...maybe after I can add these 3 to my list of accomplishments I'll do that...)
I made a plan with my bff and gave myself a deadline of tonight.
She very kindly reminded me that today was Wednesday...submission d-day
and I knew when the sun went down, the laptop opened.

I did it
I even posted a FB status about it
and somewhere inside I'm nervous about it
so I'm thinking about the rice crackers I have in the pantry
of course I tell myself I'm not thinking about the boxful...just a few
but I'm telling myself OUT LOUD that I'm not having any and just going to bed
because even if it didn't turn into a binge or an indulgence...it would be a food soothe because I'm really not needing/wanting food for nourishment
so I just need to sleep
but that's hard
because the hub is snowboarding
sigh

So instead, I'll think about presenting this June
Two theatrical interpreting workshops and a yoga workshop for interpreters
Sharing what I've learned and put into practice, sharing what works for me, learning what works for others and networking

Yeah...networking
although I don't know that I want to go on the interpreting workshop circuit
I do know that I want to be teaching/presenting/mentoring in some capacity (actually...more about authenticity and finding self) ~~Isn't that ironic~~. So this foray into the presenting world in more than just my backyard is a good step for me.

I don't need to eat something because I'm proud of an accomplishment. ~~You haven't accomplished anything yet.~~ There is the potential for a binge here...but thankfully, I have enough people who 'know' that I can turn to that I think I can keep the counter rolling.

I also promise to be cognizant of any other sabotaging behavior
I have a biology test next Tuesday to study for
I have a concert coming up in a couple of weeks to prep for
I have a garden I'd like to work on this week
oh yes, and there is my 5K week after next

all of these are things I might 'passively kill' in order to avoid the accomplishment
but now you know about them
I don't have to do any of them perfectly...but I will do all of them.

photo credit

Serve up a piece of Self Pie

2010-02-22T13:29:00.003-05:00

The other day I mentioned that I was "that" girl in group therapy...yeah I was the one that broke down.
I think when I wrote it...I was bashing the idea...well JOAN was at least, but now as I think about it...that's what is supposed to happen in a process group. Another member responded to something that I said and it SMACKED my trigger HARD!

We each created our own Self-Esteem pie chart. The exercise does not measure whether you have high or low self esteem. Instead, the focus is on 'what' is important to you when you evaluate your own self-worth. You had to rate all the things in your life that you are using right now to evaluate yourself as a person. Identify the different domains of your self-esteem and then draw a wedge into the pie to represent each domain. The size of the wedge represents the importance of that domain...
Some of the suggested wedges were

personality
appearance
volunteer work
creativity
relationships
athletic ability
artistic ability
spirituality
morals/attitudes/values (honestly, openness, speaking up, helping others, not being taken advantage of)
weight
shape
performance at work/school
talents
hobbies
role as a mother/sister/partner, mentor
competence/knowledge in certain areas
achievements.

Right away I wanted to draw TWO circles...I immediately felt a JOAN circle and a babs circle...but I resisted the urge and just put my pencil to paper.

SLICE and half the pie as gone, performance at work/school and competence/knowledge in certain areas ate up 1/2 the pie in one gulp. The remaining half was cut into 4 pieces: one for Morals/attitudes/values, one for role as mom/partner/mentor, one for appearance (weight/athletic ability/shape), and one was split into 6 tinier pieces...spirituality, relationships, hobbies, talent, artistic ability, and creativity...

When it was my turn to share, although we didn't have to...
I found myself truly sad that the things I THINK I find so important,
the qualities that I encourage OTHERS to consider when they define themselves...
are so very very tiny on my pie chart

Of the remaining slices...even those needed explanation...you see they APPEARED good, but they were laced with JOAN.
It's not a bad thing that I treasure my role as a mom or spouse or mentor...
but my self esteem hangs on being a perfect mom, spouse or mentor.

Morals and values are at the heart of my personal code of conduct (which surprisingly is very unJOAN)
but my self esteem hangs on having impeccable morals and values

Weight/Appearance...well we all get that one that's why I type here and you read this stuff right...?

Okay so that was a tough enough pill to swallow I mean really...my spirituality takes up a smidge of my self esteem pie? What about my creativity and talents?

But then...my own drawing took my breath away because 'achievements' was very intentionally placed OUTSIDE the circle

I don't remember writing it there...but JOAN does
I do not count my achievements
I pack them away in a Rubbermaid bin and store them in the storage closet...
they do not count

Yes, that was a lip quiver moment
THAT was when my voice got shaky and a fellow group member screamed what Babs has been wanting to say all along...WHY?!?! Why wouldn't you be proud of that? Why...oh MY you should be so proud of yourself

and I shrunk
and cowered
and sunk into the poofy chair I was in
hiding further under the blanket I had thrown over my lap
I couldn't breathe...and I couldn't stop my eyes from leaking...and I couldn't tell her why

BECAUSE...I didn't really deserve those accolades, it was freak luck that I finished anything well at all, someone felt sorry for me and gave me a consolation prize...and if I DID get anything on my own merit, look how long it took me to complete the task...

~~Because no one likes a show off, dear. You do better not to be proud, pride cometh before a fall...and you know that all too well don't you...~~

Yes, I do...because when I am proud of myself...I eat and eat and EAT and EAT AND EAT until there is nothing to be proud of...until I have SO much to feel bad about I never want to be proud of myself again...

But not any more...
I feel the little prideJOANdemons trying to talk me out of my 5k
I have to sort of fast walk it because of my ITB issues
~~so is it really even worth doing i mean how silly is that...WALK a race!~~
Every mile to the race location and every day leading up to it is practice in telling JOAN to Shut Up
but my bones listen to her...and my little medal that I'll get...the completion medal...yeah the Rubbermaid bin has cleared a spot for it

Maybe I'll put it on a piece of leather cord and make it my latest fashion accessory
along with my tiara...

That sounded good, sounded strong and defiant
but it wasn't really...and JOAN sneered
sigh...

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

2010-02-19T13:01:00.002-05:00

I had group last night
I was THAT girl...I'm the one that cried
and I have a whole lot to say about my experience...but right now there are more pressing things on my mind.

I'm wrestling with the same old demons about going out tonight. My hub and I are headed to 'poker night' at a friend's house from our old church. Love the friends still close.
I keep hearing that I would just rather hang out with my hub.
I'm going to do something that I don't know how to do (play poker) with people I haven't seen in a long time (I was the worship leader at this church for 6 years...my hub and I were married there...)I'm putting myself in a situation where there will be food for easy grazing/soothing and I'm starting to shrink inside

I know I have to go
the only way I get through these things is to go through them

But I don't really wanna go (I'm not sure who is speaking there so I'm holding off on the editing)
I do have to work in the morning, and again tomorrow night
It has been a long week and my hub will be gone for a week starting on Sunday
Am I just making up excuses or are those valid reasons to politely excuse myself?

I'm not sure what to do about the food thing I'm thinking maybe I should eat
ahead of time then bring some safe stuff to munch? But I don't want to
mindlessly munch...
Weight watchers teaches you to eat something before you go to a party or an event where there will be food so you're full and not tempted to eat
Ahem...that just means I'll eat twice.
After lunch...I have 10.5 points left for the day/week and my week ends today

What if this really is something I'm not ready for yet
What if this isn't just JOAN keeping me from doing something fun but a situation I'm not strong enough for?
I've told my date...so he knows and he understands

I think I wanna get something 'safe' to drink...coz I'll just mindlessly drink if I don't let myself eat ...maybe some sparking water? I dunno?!?!?!

I haven't heard MY OWN voice enough to know what it sounds like
Just yesterday in therapy Tara and I discussed whether there was ever a time when I said NO
Do I ever remember standing up for myself...and I really can't...maybe when I was alone I'd say "I do SO know what I'm talking about" towards my mom or my sister but I never said it to JOAN...even my pinky toe agreed with her...even way back then

trying to plan
ugh...it's hard to let Babs win!

This has been an anxiety attack waiting to happen
If I screw up tonight, after this emotional week...and my hub is gone all week next week...i'm just TOTALLY setting myself up for failure. And while this may sound like something JOAN would say...the tears coming to my eyes are saying either way I need to pay attention

My hub and I just decided not to go, we're gonna have some us time tonight (since we have no kids tonight either)...I'll get my love language in extra doses to make it through to next weekend :)

I'm gonna tell our host the truth...I trust her enough to share this piece of me
That, and the more I'm honest about my reasons, the more I know it's me making the decisions
JOAN would lie
Babs does not

how many days has it been???
I need to keep looking up

Even when she doesn't want to

2010-02-15T09:18:00.001-05:00

"Today, no matter where I'm going and no matter what I am doing, it is my dominant intent to see that which I am wanting to see." --- Abraham

Excerpted from the workshop in Boca Raton, FL on Sunday, January 12th, 1997 #351

Babs got kicked in the gut yesterday
These things happen...life is full of ups and downs and challenges that make us rethink our actions, behaviors, thoughts, relationships and goals.
It knocked the wind out of me
JOAN made sure I stayed down for a while and is still trying to keep me there.

The interesting development in all of this is...I actually allowed myself to experience a feeling
an uber ucky one at that

I felt it in all it's glory and paid attention to each manifestation it had in my body.
This is big for me, remember I'm the body-cut-in-half girl and where my head goes, the body does not always follow and where my body goes...the head does not always understand.

So my heart became agitated...not my physical heart, although I'm sure my heart rate was elevated for a while...but my heart chakra. I felt myself CLAMP down around that energy center and bind up...
My Babs was so entangled in that anger my stomach was churning and my mind was clicking through images like an old movie projector...and they weren't good ones.

But they weren't bad ones either.
My mind was standing up for itself
'Hey, if this is what you think about me then fine...I don't care...I don't much like you anyway'

That was the gruff side
the more diplomatic side was thinking
'We don't all have to agree all the time...you have your opinion, I thank you for sharing it with me'
but then adding...
'but I'll take my marbles and go play with the other kids anyway.'

Herein lies the conflict
When someone calls me out on something...i examine it
I mean, as we know better we do better, right?
But I don't wanna see that I could be wrong...I found myself defending my actions when I didn't even REALLY know what I was being called out about.
OY!

But JOAN has stepped in this morning
She sat on the arm of the chair last night as I brooded
But this morning she's taken a different tactic (probably because I didn't resort to food last night...yes the counter is still counting)
This evening I'm supposed to present to a group of soon to be newbies in the world of interpreting about Performance Interpreting. This is my niche. I have a certain philosophy through which I approach my work, it works for me and I've been asked to share it.

~~But dear, this is the exact thing that this current flare up is about...so obviously your perspective is not a positive one. And really,~~ ~~why are you taking that drive again...you know you're just putting yourself at risk for that ugly behavior of yours.~~

You know what happens every time you try to assert yourself and flount your 'talent' no one likes a show off dear. You're not the queen bee you know, better to keep yourself humble and just stay home. Just send an email, say you're not up to the drive (because truly...you're not, you'll fail again and we'll be back at square one). Just stay home tonight dear. You'll be gone 3 nights out of the week this week and that's rather selfish of you.

Oh my GOD
so much of my body agrees with her...if my bones could nod they would
SHUT UP JOAN
Heck yeah I'm scared
Heck yeah it's risky
I'm not sure how to deal with 'proud' feelings and really just wish I had someone to go with me so I could see this whole thing through without screwing it up
But JOAN is not me
Everything she says is WRONG
and I'm vehemently shaking my head NO!

I'll make the drive
I'll share what I know
I'll drive back home

and before I leave...I'll pack good snacks in the car and make sure the iPod is charged with my favorite songs.

sigh
my body is not agreeing with my head yet

photo credit

Here comes that shrinking feeling....

2010-02-14T22:18:00.001-05:00

Right now I am sitting with an angry heart and a sick stomach
It feels like an angry heart
But anger is dominant...and I am shrinking inside...not a very dominant feeling
Focusing on the one bad thing instead of the many many good things
And I'm not even fucking talking about my food issues (yes A, that one was for you!)

This shrinking feeling makes me want to eat...somewhere inside I want to eat
But I don't really want to eat
The hub offered me a stiff drink...I don't really want that.
I don't want to FEEL this feeling...but I don't want to numb it either

I really just wanna let words out of my mouth...the truth hurts
So I need to sit with them for a while
Because I am not a hurt-causing person
I won't hide the truth...but I won't tell you with the intention of hurting you

OHHHHHHH MYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOODDDDDD

I feel like I wanna puke and like I'm in knots all at the same time.

photo credit

Sit with this

2010-02-08T12:49:00.001-05:00

That's how my last therapy session ended
No homework
Nothing new to think about
Just sit with all the stuff that came up
I'm human
I'm not a super-hero-woman
JOAN isn't really Joan
well of course she's not...why would Joan Crawford take up residence in my brain come on now...although, it is an interesting side note that she died in 1977 which is around the same time my eating disorder began...so she COULD be Joan.

Alright, of course it's not Joan, JOAN is my neat little package for all the voices that make up my Eating Disorder. But when I SEE those voices...JOAN is who I see so it works for me.

I said "yes, I can admit that perhaps this JOAN character is something I've created so i don't have to blame my mother" during therapy on Thursday. It kinda just flew outta my mouth and my body perked up...usually my head and my body participate in therapy separately.

So I'm sitting with that
Tara mentioned too...that if there is JOAN, it doesn't have to be ME, or my mother
So it's a nice way to compartmentalize the disorder.
I need that
I need my disorder to not BE me
because I am not my disorder

Ever since the young one mentioned that things could be stemming from issues with my mom ...that just doesn't sit well. I mean yes, I know I have child hood issues with mom...but mom being the source of my eating disorder does not resonate well. It doesn't sound right coming out of my mouth and it doesn't sit well in my bones.

So I tried compartmentalizing JOAN (I feel an art project coming on)
There's mom, who made me eat my peas

Dad, who soothed everything with food
Dr Snow who told me I'd grow this way (wide) not this way (tall) because I started my period
There is the ballet teacher who said I had no grace
The school culottes that rubbed the thighs raw
The elementary school gym rope I couldn't climb
There were the middle school girls who sneered behind my back
And the high school boys who wouldn't give me the time of day
But before all of that...before any of it, there was JOAN
She talked to me at night when I was alone in my room
(hrmm...my fingers are just typing here and when I read the words "she talked to me," I felt a little shiver)
I remember her there when my feet barely reached the mid-point of the bed
I remember her balking at things my mom said
So I don't know who JOAN is
but I know she's there
and I know who she's NOT
first and foremost
She's not me

but ...
she's been with me so very long
she just feels right
it just feels like she's supposed to be there
what would I do without her
what will she do without me
I know our relationship is toxic
but shouldn't I care something for her in her old age
hasn't she shaped me into somewhat of a semblance of who I am

why am I grieving the loss of her
why the heck do I care
does she not realize what she's done to me?
OF COURSE she does

ughh...this is NOT where I expected this post to go. Guess I should sit with things more often.

I start group therapy this weekend. It's a process group for compulsive over eaters facilitated by the same therapist I see for my individual sessions. I'll still do my solo work every other week...but I'm trying out the next 4 weeks of this group to see how it feels. Tara says she thinks I'm ready

...ready for what?

photo credit
you know, it's funny, I kinda like this picture
i may make it into my 'say no to JOAN' shirt
coz lil one is sticking up for herself and saying no...no matter the consequences
(e x h a l e)

She does what I could never, and still cannot do.

2010-02-03T12:02:00.001-05:00

I was JOAN last night.
My daughter is auditioning for her first role in a middle school play and I offered to blow dry her hair and straighten it for her since, imho, it's usually an unruly curly mop an the awkward phase between short and long and...it makes me crazy.
It's part of my distorted Good Girl/Bad Girl perception and last night the words actually came out of my mouth in the direction of my daughter with what could only be heard as malice.

She decided she just wanted to wear her hair curly and I responded with a curt "fine."
She almost gave in, "Nevermind you can do it if you want to."

"Your teacher said you had to look presentable for you auditions...and what does your hair USUALLY look like by the end of the school day. You can't go in there with an unruly mop on your head"

"I like my hair"

OMG...what did I just say? What did I just say?
"Of course you do honey, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to be so horrible. I didn't mean that. I'm really struggling right now. I haven't had my 'drug,' food, in a while now and all these weird beliefs I hold inside about what I'm 'supposed to look like' they're not true, and they ARE NOT true about you"

We cried, we hugged, and cried some more.
I was amazed by her...I was amazed that I let JOAN out of my mouth but my daughter wasn't afraid of her. She just told it like it was..."I like my hair."

I told her how proud I was of her for standing up for herself. I admitted I can't even do that yet...to my own self! "I must not be that bad of a mom after all," I said as she was leaving the room.

"You're not a bad mom, momma," she stopped in her tracks and said right to my face.
"Thanks hon, that's another one of those false beliefs I'll have to get over."

She looked great this morning. She was HERself.
Last night while I was putting together dinner I was being a bit silly, dancing around the kitchen and generally being a goof ball and I told mini me...sorry, it's just my Babsness coming out. She giggled.

I said, "Hey, what's your Bryness?"

"I dunno," she answered.

I think I do.

I'm picking her up from school today, after auditions.

We already have plans to go to Plato's Closet and cash in her store credit...she really wants a pair of skinny jeans. AND we have plans to hit the Twistie Treat for a milkshake...we have PLANS for this, it's not a food soothe thing.

I think I'll tell her about JOAN.
I think I'll ask for her help.
Next time I say or do something hurtful that just doesn't seem like me (to you, someone else, or MYSELF) ...just say "Shut Up JOAN, leave my mom alone."

photo credit
photo credit 2

C.A.S.E.

2010-02-02T13:22:00.003-05:00

I'm a classic c.a.s.e.-er
I Copy And Steal Everything
If I see it and I like it...I copy it!
Heck, if I like the way you're doing something and I think it could work for me...well then voila! The highest form of flattery!
As we know better, we do better...and if you know better, well then I'm learning from you so I can do better too!
All that to say...I stole this from a fellow conquerer I read and she stole it from this site...

There are definitely days when my effort feels like 'not enough.'
As a wife, as a mom, as an employee, as a student, as a human! And we won't even go into how JOAN can make me feel substandard with a glance...
So, time to think on other things because...

Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. Philippians 4:8 ~The Message

1. The things you’re grateful to have

Think of the things you’re grateful for. Food, shelter, family, friends, a car, all the big and small things many aren’t fortunate to have.

I'm grateful for my job, for my friends, for my Holly Hobbie Lunch box,
I'm grateful for my hub and kids, for music, my blog, my counselor, for colored pencils and dancing in the kitchen while I put away the dishes.
I'm grateful for Spirit who loves me and for my resurfacing Babsness!

2. The things you’re grateful NOT to have

Each of us can come up with something we’re grateful not to have. Perhaps you’re grateful not to have a disease, enormous debts, or perhaps you’re happy you don’t have a lot of money.

I'm grateful that I don't have MS, that was a real scare last year.

3. What you want to do today

Quick thoughts about the daily goals you want to accomplish and the plans you’ll need to take to get them done.

I want to get my grocery shopping done and read some more of my book.
I'll grocery shop this afternoon after work since dinner is leftover lasagna from the weekend and I'll read some tonight while Bm is in tumbling class

4. What the future holds

Think about what tomorrow, the next month, or even the next five years will bring you.

I look forward to the changes we're making to the house.
I'm working on a potted garden and can't wait for more fresh herbs to use in the kitchen.
I'm looking forward to my 5K on March 6th. I'm proud of the fact that I've DECIDED I don't have to be perfect...participating is a HUGE step.
I'm excited about graduating with my BA.
I'm excited about writing and teaching and sharing the true knowledge of authenticity with as many people as I can.
I'm excited to know I'll be able to see Joan Crawford as just another actress!

5. Think about one of your fears

We all have fears, some are big and some are small. Focus your thoughts on one.

I'm afraid that we'll get too far behind in our finances.

6. Think of a way to face that fear

Think of one way in which you can face your fear. Even if it’s something small it’ll bring you one step closer to fear’s face.

I actually have faced this fear, head on. I pray about it, out loud, with my hub each night before we fall asleep and I've stopped avoiding the situation. I've taken the steps necessary (especially with our house) and I just 'tell it like it is.' Being honest about where I am, what I'm doing and how I'm doing with whomever will listen helps this fear not seem so big and scary
Gee...sounds a lot like how I'm dealing with JOAN.

7. One new thing you’d like to do

Think of something new you’d like to try. Do this every day you possibly can, you’ll never have too many goals and dreams.

I'd like to start a podcast.

8. The things you didn’t accomplish yesterday

Think about the things you wanted to get done yesterday, but didn’t. Then plan on getting them done today.

I would've liked the laundry folded...but Mondays are my long day, so I don't feel any sense of failure for not having done that.

9. Your greatest qualities

Every day think about the things that make you a great person. It’ll give you confidence and ambition to tackle anything.

I am smart, I am silly, I am a great listener and an encouraging voice.
I am fantastic at research and love learning.
I am a great writer and orater.
I can find the positive in any situation.
I am a prayer warrior and a great singer.
I have strong core values and a personal code of conduct that I apply to my work, family and social life.
I am a talented, skilled interpreter and a budding counselor.
I am kind, honest-to-a-fault, and validating.
...and I like long walks on the beach and dinners by candlelight (LMAO)

10. What you don’t like about yourself

We each have something we don’t like about ourselves. Perhaps you are too fearful, too quiet, or too arrogant.

I cannot apply any of the above qualities to MYSELF! (ugh!)

11. How you can change what you don’t like about yourself

Think of some ways you can change. Sometimes it doesn’t take as long as you might think.

Stop listening to JOAN
She's the one who tells me ~~I cannot succeed and will always fall back on old habits~~

12. How you can make someone else’s day a little brighter

Maybe send a friend a card to show you’re thinking of them. Or even just complementing someone can make their day a little brighter.

I go out of my way to thank people by name.
When someone does something well, I tell them, right away.
I admit and apologize when I am wrong.
I call or text just to say I love you.
I make time to listen and I'm not afraid to offer a word of mentoring when it is in order.
I smile, I'm silly and I laugh out loud.

13. Your life goals

You won’t be able to think of all of your goals in life because you’ll always be adding more to your list. However, think about your current biggest dreams and goals. You can’t forget what you’re aiming for.

I will live free of JOAN
I'll once again have a successful and integrated yoga practice
I will love my body as much as I love my mind and soul
I will be a successful teacher/writer/speaker
I will travel the continent with my hub in a Minnie Winnie
We'll live in a Yurt in Colorado
I'll travel to france with my Soul Sistah and BFF

14. How yesterday’s problems are today’s motivation

Don’t let the problems of your past prevent you from moving forward. Think of how you can use the problems to motivate yourself to change and resolve.

Those problems are in the past so obviously I have gotten through them...this means I CAN be successful and see things through to completion! There's nothing I can't tackle!

15. You only have one life

Think about this: you only have one shot at life. So make the most out of every second you have. Reminding yourself of this will help you seize each day.

photo credit

Demons in the Break Room

2010-02-01T14:09:00.002-05:00

The Devil has arrived
Nutty Bars and Cosmic Brownies
Oh the break room at work has been a den of demons for a while, but little debbie takes the cake

You know what the saddest thing is? THEY'RE NOT EVEN THAT GOOD!

I have succumbed to many a binge in the rectangular box of sickeningly sweet individually wrapped snacks.

I absolutely cannot stand the taste or texture of Oatmeal Cream Pies, but I have eaten 6 in a row.

When I really think about it, a Star Crunch really tastes like what I imagine plastic would taste like

Nutty Bars taste like cardboard soaked in grainy peanut butter and Cosmic Brownies taste like chocolate paste!

But oh have I eaten them

and hidden the evidence

and felt the remorse

and in my latter years...the punishment of the gluten tearing up my body.

Hormones have been raging the past few days but I've been able to keep myself in check

And actually...although my heart raced to see the tiny, brightly colored, hard decorations on the cosmic brownies starting up at me from the snack basket...I was able to walk away from them. (I originally typed 'I didn't want them' but that somehow, somewhere felt like a half truth)

I cannot have these in the house

I know this

My kids haven't complained, I keep other snack options in the house

I haven't felt 'S T R E S S E D' to the point lately that I'd mindlessly rip open the plastic and inhale a nutty bar and I've been great about making sure I bring my own food and snacks...

But to be safe...I'm not taking my breaks in the break room... it seems as though my body appreciates our office iJoy massage chair MUCH more than a damned little debbie snack cake!

photo credit 1

photo credit 2

need.more.food.

2010-01-31T21:01:00.002-05:00

That's how I've felt lately
I've not gone outside of my food plan
But I feel like I need to eat more
I haven't been depriving or denying myself when i'm hungry

just a minute ago I had some yogurt with a banana and a tablespoon of roasted peanuts and some cinnamon.
and it was good.
I used almost half of my weekly allowance points over the weekend
some wine on Friday
made some great (gluten free, whole food) dips for my bro's b'day party
and aforementioned banana treat

I don't foresee the rest of this week being bad...Friday night was an anomaly, out with friends
my bro doesn't have a birthday every week ...so things should be good
But I FEEL like I need more food
strike that
I feel like I want more food
I am 2 days away from p-day so hormones ARE a factor
my bronchitis is NOT getting better so the chances of me and the treadmill having quality time this week are about nil...

So I'm loving myself with tea and herbal ointment
I'm getting up in the morning and treating my body to some yoga
some deep, breathing and stretching

I'm not over analyzing my 'need.for.food' feeling
But I am staying aware of it
I know in following my food plan I'm giving myself the nutrients I need, once my food for the day is consumed, I'm done. I'll have to make that intellectual decision, since I think 'body' is going to try to control things these next few days.

photo credit

Stages of Change

2010-01-31T14:22:00.000-05:00

Recovery
Are you in need of recovery?
Are you ready for your recovery?
Have you overcome your addiction?

I'm not only learning how to deal with my own recovery, but how to understand and love those around me who are on their own journey.
These stages helped me a lot...thought I'd share.
They are specifically written from the perspective of an eating disorder because well...this my eating disorder blog, But...they can be applied to any addiction.

Pre-contemplation

You don't believe there is a problem (with the way you eat or diet, eating behaviors, body size, weight or the way you have attempted to change in thses areas.
"I'm only here because someone else (my physician, friend, family member) thinks I have a problem."

Contemplation

You begin to accept the possibility that there might be a problem with how you eat/diet/attempt to manage your weight.
"I may have a problem, but I'm not sure I can, or want, to change."

Preparation

You start to get ready to make changes, considering the pros and cons of the problem. You look for support from others to help you through this process.
"I'm planning to do something about my problem really soon. I've started to explore and discuss what to do."
This may include asking others what has worked for them, researching healthy options, registering and attending workshops or groups, making inquiries

Action

You take active steps toward changing behaviors and thoughts that support the problem.
"I have been actively trying to do things to recover from my problem."
You're following a healthy food plan, incorporating movement into your life and are present in your personal recovery program.

Maintenance

You have made changes but continue to be aware of the problem
"I have made changes to solve my problem, but need to maintain these changes actively.

The 'maintenance' phase is where I have failed miserably in the past. Actually, my support system failed too...through the Action stage and plummeted in the maintenance phase. I think too, I failed in the past because I have never attacked both sides of the problem at the same time. I have done lots of different things to change the shape and size of my body, but have never fully incorporated how I mentally felt about those changes, or the reasons I wanted (or even needed) them in the first place.

What stage are you in?

Well I was tripping down the street early this morning...

2010-01-28T10:33:00.002-05:00

Sorta funny to me that my title is the first line of my 'theme song' from yesterday's post because I 'tripped' all the way into the gym this morning.

It's been hard to go to the gym every day this week.
This morning was no better. As if having Bronchitis last week wasn't bad enough, I think I'm getting a head cold so when the alarm went off at 6am, I really just wanted to go back to sleep!
2 squirts of nasonex per nostril, 2 puffs from my inhaler, laced up the shoes and out the door.

Driving to the gym I was NOT motivated...but I WAS still driving to.the.gym.

Parked and grabbing my iPod and headphones...BLAST! My headphone cord is wrapped up in a strap from my mini purse...where are the scissors. (In hindsight I'm glad there were no scissors because I would've been miffed if I had cut the strap!)
'Oh forget it! I'll just listen to the music in the gym and walk instead of interval train today'
No..try again

(inhale/exhale) Success, cord unwrapped...now where the heck did my iPod go? It was RIGHT here in my lap. You're NOT gonna win obstacle fairies...I'm GOING into the gym!
*doors open, frantically searching for iPod* Turns out it's in the console, right where I put it the first time I gave up on my headphones...
In the gym, stretching and feeling my itchy eyes and scratchy throat creeping up on me...

At this point I decide to do the best I can with my intervals...maybe walk/speed walk rather than pushing myself to run...I'll run if I can, but it's not the end of the world if I don't....just finish the 30 minutes

What a concept
Just finish

14:17 minutes into my session and "attention gym members, there is a my color/my car in the parking lot with it's lights on.
OH GAWD are you kidding me?
What EV. I'm finishing my 30 minutes and if it dies the hub will just have to come get me
I'll be late to work but I'm finishing my session.

So I did the 30 minutes, intervals of walk/speed walk...and I ran some
Covered the same distance (just about) then went home.

Yeah...covered the same distance
And I was happy with that

HUH WHA? I totally figured I would be miffed that my running efforts seem to be for naught because I can WALK the same dang distance.

So I've come to the realization that the idea of RUNNING (okay who am I kidding, Jogging) my first 5K doesn't have to be the goal. Just finish!

And I'm okay with this

In fact I'm really comfortable with this

It doesn't mean I'm going to totally slack the training

But I don't have to go balls to the wall to be the best right out of the gate

WHOAAAAAA what who are you and what have you done to my brain?

~~I ALWAYS have to be the best right out of the gate.~~

No, that's not me...that's JOAN, not Babs

and I'm still Takin care of Babsness.

and totally looking forward to my race.

And it turns out...it wasn't my car afterall!
:)

photo credit

What's Your Theme Song?

2010-01-27T19:34:00.003-05:00

So I've been doing stuff that's good for me, even when I don't feel like it.
Today I dressed for the gym after my shift AT work again so that I was already in my gym clothes for the drive home.
While I was changing, I thought to myself, "Yeah, I'm taking care of Babs."

Now if you know me personally, you KNOW I can turn anything into a song and I immediately started singing (in my head...)

Takin care of Babsness

Every day

Takin care of Babsness

Every way

I be takin care of Babsness

She's alright

Takin Care of Babsness

and workin over time

WORK OUT!

Then I giggled...coz it was silly...but I'm still singing it :)

But...If I had to pick a theme song, it would be this one by Concrete Blonde
If I were on Idol, I'd sing this song (never mind the seemingly mocking reference to still being in Hollywood)
It's what I listen to at the gym or in the car or sing out loud to!

Well I was tripping down the street early this morning

And the psychic lady pointed at me

She said come on in and I gave her my money

Said tell me, tell me, what you see

And she said she saw the angels dancing with me

Dancing to the beat of my feet down the street

She said she saw the angels dancing with me

Keep on, keep on, keep on now

Still in Hollywood

Oh I thought I'd be out of here by now

Still in Hollywood

My, my I'm running on a wheel and I don't know why

I don't know why

And I ran into Tommy Pomy

What a goddamned phony

Had a new fish on the line

Well the last one left with the last bad cheque

The only good one that he ever had died

I gotta live and live, I gotta learn to forgive

You know that everybody's gotta right

But theres evil all around in this broken down city

Its a twenty four hour fight

Still in Hollywood

Oh wow I thought I'd be outta here by now

Still in Hollywood

My, my I'm running on a wheel and don't know why

Still in Hollywood

Oh wow I thought I'd be outta here by now

Still in Hollywood

My, my, my I'm running on wheel

and don't know, don't know, don't know why

So let's me and you go get a new tattoo

We can hop on the harley and cruise

We can start at the pier and share a beer

Head out to the desert

I can feel it from here

Ride all the way to where the lizards play

Riding on, and on, and on

Theres a million stars it'll blow you away

It's all so Concrete Blonde

Still in Hollywood

That's right, you know we can ride it out all night

Still in Hollywood

Hey, hey, hey I got to, gottaway, gotta getaway yeah

Still in Hollywood

My, my, my yes I'm glad to be alive

Still in Hollywood

Mama gonna be sombody, someday, sometime

Still in Hollywood

Oh yeah

Oh I wanna get out alive

Don't you know why

Oh I'm doin fine

Oh this is why

Oh wanna be out of here by now...

(What's a matter with you young man
Going to Hollywood, gonna be a big shot
That towns gonna suck you up and spit you out
You ain't gonna have a pot to piss in
Don't come back to me for a job
You made your bed, now sleep in it...)

Gee...kinda funny how much this voice over sounds like something JOAN would say!

Another day of process

2010-01-27T11:01:00.003-05:00

Yes, I ran yesterday!
You can read about how I almost puked here...I'll save you the details if you're not interested :)
I feel pretty good about completing the run since it was just the 1st day of the week, should make the rest of the week go by easier.

I packed my gym bag again today. Changing at work and going directly to the gym is the ONLY way I'll go in the afternoon, and since I've had to be to work by 8 the past few days...morning work outs are NOT happening.

In other news, hub pointed out that it looks like my fuse is about an inch away from my head...guess I've been testy.
But ... Boobs=Sore
so the hormones are happening

Have not had any candy from the break room
Have stayed within my food plan for the week
Have nourished my body with gluten free foods
Have been honest with my feelings this week (out loud)
Good on ya! (that was to me)

My homework from therapy is to start a story...
actually, I have to create a character, a heroine
and I'm the heroine

My session was last Friday, I haven't started yet

photo credit LOVE this pic funny!

Feeling Dump

2010-01-26T10:08:00.003-05:00

I don't feel like going to the gym today after work- I AM going to the gym today after work, I WILL change into my gym clothes before I even leave the building.

I have been taking a 2nd look at candy in the candy jar for a day or two now
I haven't eaten any, I've mentally told myself to 'step away from the (insert vile temptation here)...but I do recognize that I'm looking more...getting close to my period? Maybe, another thing to watch

I won't be dumping formaldehyde on my head
or getting #1son's room or the living room painted by someone else
because the money needs to be put to other things
I'm miffed about that even though I know it's right

It's probably why I've been vacillating about the hair in the first place...although I wonder how much good I do with the BS/ACV routine on my head ...would probably cancel it out TOTALLY with the formaldehyde.

I know we could paint the rooms ourselves...but we haven't, for over a year and I just want it done already

I hate coming home and seeing us in several 1/2 completed projects
I hate it more this week for some reason...so maybe I am premenstrual
I just want to come home and have it finished and move on
just blink and done!
It's a luxury we can't afford right now, we're just trying to stay afloat...ends always meet, but sometimes not on time so it's a harried game of catch up and I wanna sit out this round.

It's hard for me to muster up the gratitude in paying the mortgage when I hate the house I come home to.
It's hard for me to say I "hate" it because it is the house that God gave us and more often than not I love it.
I just hate the condition its in this week and needed a place to dump that feeling so I don't eat it...because I hear JOAN walking down the hall and I'm really not in the mood for her ~~shit~~ today.

Things I just need to learn to get over

I hate when there are dishes in the sink
I hate when there are clothes on the floor
I hate that the porch becomes a weigh station
I hate that the counter in the kitchen closest to the friggin garbage can and recycling bins is a weigh station for recycleables and garbage
I hate the dustbunnies that have taken up permanent residence in the corners of the floor
I hate that I hate all these trivial things and that I let them get to me
they don't bother other people nearly as much (yes I know there are those of you like me out there but really...we're done in by our own stupid strive for perfection)
I hate that the things I hate make me grumpy and irritable and unpleasant
I hate that I set my standards so frickin high
I hate that it only seems to bother me REALLY badly sometimes because that makes me seem like uberbitch
I accept it, (mind you, not condone...just pick my battles) and find gratitude regularly
then a switch flips and blammo my face says "I only love you when you do what you're not a lazy slob"

Dammmmmnnn that sounds like JOAN
I don't want my hub or my kids to feel that way
I catch myself and rephrase or apologize, but not nearly enough
I try to explain what is causing my actions...but it doesn't excuse them
ughhhh I hate this feeling

UPDATE: later on this morning...
So, we are going to have a friend come price the painting (fingers crossed this will work!)
and it seems as though I'm not the only one who feels this way lately

I wonder where the whole idea of Spring Cleaning comes from
After being cooped up in the house to hide from the chill in the air...women around the globe throw open their curtains, prop open the doors and declare war on the stuffy forced air and messy linen closets with blankets tossed wherever they landed!
Power to the people!

or something like that
I'm feeling a bit more like going to the gym, should be fired up and ready by the time my shift ends at 3

feeling better...it's a process

photo credit photo credit 2

One year commitments

2010-01-25T12:11:00.002-05:00

If you follow my other, not so personally intense or exposing blog, you'll know that I have decided not to drastically cut my hair until October 31, 2010. Yes, I'll get a trim from time to time...but I'm growing it long, it is sorta long already but I'm going for more...and it's AWKWARD right now. I'll never really know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll if I keep taking a bite!
(sorry ran with the random similar metaphor and I won't go into how it's an EATING metaphor...)

I'm considering straightening my hair to get through the awkward phase...I LOVE it straight so it would be a way to reward myself without food, but the crunchy side of me is having a REAL hard time with the idea of having formaldehyde on my head.

Anyway...I digress

I've set another 1 year habit creation.
I'm not checking my weight again until January 25, 2011
I may step on a scale, at the doctor's office or for some reason like that, but I will not look and I will request the information not be shared.
This way, I'll find NEW ways to measure my healing journey...and the scale won't wreck or derail me.
My recent experience showed me that I hang a lot on numbers. Rather than being satisfied, and even proud with the fact that I had nourished my body in a healthy way, OR that I had actually lost 2 pounds, I wondered why I didn't lose 5. Why should losing matter at all... did you read that? I fed myself in a nourishing way, I honored my gluten intolerance, I found glory in the scrubbing and chopping of vegetables and pride in the meals I created for my family. Which...by the way...they devoured with joy.

A good way for me to remember to work on a NEW habit...is to remember that I'm working on breaking an old one. So I'm not stepping on the scale because I'm teaching myself to find enjoy my healing journey in other ways.

And for the record...I haven't eaten from the candy jar at work in a while either.
It's been whispering to me this week. I've been telling it "no." (in my head)
I'm gonna start saying it outloud!

Have a great week!

photo credit

Analyze This

2010-01-22T16:17:00.001-05:00

Heh heh, I love this movie...doesn't hurt either that I like both Billy Crystal and Robert DeNiro's work.

Today's session was great!
If you're in Central Florida (or close) and looking for a good counseling center that focuses on Eating Disorders, I HIGHLY recommend White Picket Fences.

I turned in my homework today...I'm actually quite pleased with it. My collage turned out great...even better than I imagined and, as is always the case with art therapy...it said a lot more than even I realized it said.
I think I'm going to laminate it and put it up in my cubicle. I snapped a picture of it with my phone...I'll see how good the photo turns out and if it's worth sharing I'll post it later.

So yeah, I totally had one of those "you, you're good" moments today in counseling.
Turns out not only my words, but my art (the collage I made) and the sensations I recognize in my physical body are disconnected.

Funny thing...all the 'body' images in my collage were intentionally action shots of the types of things I see myself doing...writing, art, reading, taking photos, gardening, working on the house, etc...no heads. I did that on purpose because it was the action I was going for.
While watching me put it together last night Bm even said "hrmm, I guess you like your head huh?" I chuckled at her observation...but she is wise beyond her years.
My head knows where I want to be...knows the possibilities
My body, is not caving in, is not participating and reminds me regularly that it occupies more space than my head and will eventually win out.
While recounting several 'positive' things that happened during the week...I couldn't find a FEELING word. I felt accomplished...but that's not a FEELING
While recounting some ugly binge moments and struggles...it was only my head that moved and spoke, my body didn't move an inch...I felt like the headless woman from Beetlejuice, but at least in her case, each half is aware of the other!

So we've stumbled onto something here...the best word I could use to explain my 'feeling' was inline...inline with who I SEE myself being
I felt like my collage poster
I was posterized
But that's still not a feeling...no wonder the disconnect.

We also talked about how I'm feeling in OA meetings
I feel a bit incongruent
I don't like the "I" statements.
Even when I was working on my emotional triggers worksheet as I was working through this morning's 'almost-binge' it didn't feel quite right to write "I feel as though I'll just fail again," or "I feel like I can't do anything right." Because I don't feel that way. The voices in my head TELL me that...but that's not me.
My name is Babetta and I have a compulsive eating disorder.
I am not my eating disorder
I am Babetta

Everything about my OA experience has sounded a bit like JOAN.
You will never be well, you'll always be sick, you'll always be in recovery, you'll always need me and you'll always be a compulsive overeater.
No, no I won't

I am Babetta
I will be well, I am not sick, I am working on recovery, I have all I need inside of me and I will succeed in my journey to overcome my eating disorder.

Go ahead Punk, MAKE my day

2010-01-22T09:50:00.001-05:00

A calculator can ruin your day if your checkbook register doesn't add up the way you think it should but typically it lives in a drawer where it is easily found for kids' math homework, grocery shopping, bill paying and tip configuring.

A clock can ruin your day if the alarm goes off before you were ready, but otherwise is pretty reliable and even helpful at times.

A phone can get in the way if you spend more time talking on it than talking TO people face to face...but we can all admit they're pretty much a necessity these days.

Oven timers, cable boxes, stop watches, remote control devices...all of em, just box shaped things with numbers on them. Not earth shattering, not mind blowing, not extremely significant, although convenient.

So why then, does SO Much hang in the balance over a scale?!

JOAN started talking again this morning.

If you remember the Doctor's office Scale incident, you'll know that today was the day for my follow-up visit. You'll be happy to know that my lungs are clear and I'm nearly 100% after last week's bout with bronchitis.

You'll also be proud to hear that I've done very well sticking to my points every day for the past week and haven't felt deprived IN THE LEAST. I've been to the gym 4 times this week and have a week of Chubby Jones Couch to 5k under my belt.

But...if you remember correctly, the whole reason I started counting points again is because of the fuss my dear doc made over the fact that 2009 brought with it 13 lbs.

It was a challenge.

I knew I would be back in a week and I knew I could SHOW her!

So I went back

And I DID show her.

I lost 2 lbs this week!

SHE DIDN'T EVEN FRICKIN NOTICE

She didn't say a word!

She just asked me about my tattoos.

It didn't take JOAN long to jump on THAT.

You see dear, no one cares, no one cares because they've seen it all before. You're not going to make it, you'll just give up again. See dear, you're already thinking about what you'll eat for breakfast. You really should stop this silly charade. I mean, look at you...you even thought wearing the EXACT same clothes as you wore last week would make a difference.

How effed up is THAT! I lost 2 lbs and I STILL let the voices start working on me.

Where's the voice that said HOO RAH! Way to go Babs look what you did?

Where's the voice that says this is about how YOU feel and what YOU'RE doing for YOURSELF.

JOAN strangled her this morning she lurks in the wings and sucks the life out of me. She pulls out all those old tapes and replays them LOUDLY...no JOAN doesn't even have an iPod and the tapes are stretched and worn thin and the noise is distorted but it settles deep in my bones, it has a home there and it knows just where to go.

It's times like these that I NEED a plan

I have to have some routine to fall back on

something that is straight up muscle memory that pushes me through or the voices win. I admit, I wanted it to be 3, 4 or 5 lbs that I lost this week...I need to work on my delayed gratification!

JOAN didn't win this morning. She's still talking, Oh I'm not done yet, dear. You can type all you want but you know, yes YOU know that in the end I am right, I am always right.

SHUT UP JOAN

Today I came home and I made a great breakfast

I journaled my food

I'm WRITING my feelings instead of eating them.

I have PLANNED to have a smoothie from Planet Smoothie today and I will, without feeling guilty and within my points allowance.

I am proud of myself

I chose a plan for the week and I stuck with it

I added 1/4 mile to my running time in just one week

I lost 2 lbs this week HOO RAH!

I admit I am struggling and am at risk for a binge today....but the numbers at the top of the page remind me it's been almost 12 days since I last used food to soothe and those are numbers I DO want to increase.

So,

I'm still going to count my points

having a daily plan is good for me, it keeps me focused

When I plan out my food, I pack my food and I stay nourished which is important for MORE than just my weight...I've also been completely gluten-free so it helps my health too.

I'm definitely still training for my 5k...I even got my Tiara! (heck it is a PRINCESS 5k after all!) and running makes me feel good...it makes me sweat, and I LIKE to sweat.

I am, however, NOT stepping on the scale again

I mean I know that if I go to the doctor for something I have to

but I packed away our home scale months ago and it is an effort to take it out and plug it in...I did this intentionally so I would stay off it (confessions of a former scale junkie)

It's just a box with numbers

It doesn't change my life

It doesn't make or break my day

I choose to do that

and today I choose MAKE

photo credit 1 photo credit 2 photo credit 3 photo credit 4

**JOAN speak

Look Up

2010-01-19T17:09:00.002-05:00

No, not up to the ceiling
just shift your eyes up a bit
see those numbers? right there below my "awesomeness"
That's how long it's been since I last used food to soothe

\ˈnȯr-məl\

2010-01-17T19:37:00.000-05:00

I've started reading my book and I'm mulling over Step One - I am powerless over food and my life has become unmanageable.

Really? Unmanageable?
Nothing I can do, say, or will can change my situation?
It sounds so 'absolute' when I say it that way...I guess that's the point but it's still a hard pill to swallow.
There is definitely still a piece of me that says "I can beat this thing" and be done with it
then I can be normal again like everyone else...
a few bites of birthday cake, a special dinner out, a candy bar every once in a while...

Really?

Can I be normal?
I never have been, not that I can remember anyway.
But this sounds SO rigid
It's something that I've been 'uncomfortable' with about the whole Anonymous program approach
...you're sick, you'll always be sick, all you can do is manage your sickness...
part of me believes there is truth to this...none of my weight loss attempts have ever worked in the past
part of me thinks I can do it without the rigidity...like James Frey (yeah I know he was a fraud but it was a damn good read!).
Everyone at these meetings is so dang old; I found myself wondering where the '30 somethings' meet.
Maybe the method is outdated
Maybe it doesn't work for Gen X'ers like me
Then I found this article
I wasn't really looking for an article, I was looking for a picture for this post and found the article...
It resonated with me on some level.

I'm still not going to be the expert, or refute what the experts suggest...my suggestions haven't worked in 30 years... but I am going to bring it up to my counselor on Friday.

photo credit

Friday Night

2010-01-15T17:53:00.000-05:00

So, since Bm is sleeping over at a friend's house and middleson is heading to the middle school dance, I did some research and decided I'm going to an OA meeting tonight, one that is actually meant for beginners so maybe I'll understand the process a bit more and not feel like in an AA meeting in cognito.

I had an urge to eat today when I got freaked out about finances.
I talked myself out of it and new there was no reason to freak out in the first place.
So I eat when my security is threatened.

Okay and honesty of all honesty
I started counting points again today
part of me feels GUILTY for doing that!
I know where that comes from
I started counting because of the Doctor's office Scale Shame of yesterday.
See, I have a follow up appointment next Friday so I can be LESS weight by then

Yes, true
this isn't necessarily a bad thing
but the motivating behavior isn't a good one!

So am I doing the expert's job by jumping into some sort of food plan?
or am I doing a healthy thing by focusing on what I'm putting into my mouth?
I feel guilty for eating healthy
how screwed up is that?!?!

Today in an email I typed the words "never thought I'd be a 12-Stepper..."
read into that what you will...like I think it's a bad thing, or defeat, or whatev.
Honestly, I'm not sure what I think of it yet
Am I really a 12 stepper? I HAVE bought the book
Tara says we're still "trying things on" to see what feels best
but heck, isn't that what I've done with the 3 pages full of diets I've tried throughout my life
Isn't it just time to put something on and be done with it?

Okay, enough of that
oddly enough I'm not talking myself out of tonight's meeting
I'm actually looking forward to it so that's gotta say something

photo credit

Inspiration Station

2010-01-15T11:07:00.000-05:00

If you've never scrolled the blogs I read....you should, it's good stuff...he heh
If you have...then you've read Christine
She usually inspires me on so many levels...but I never knew she shared my food addiction...and has overcome it! Great post today...thought I'd share

2010: The year I make contact

2010-01-14T20:36:00.002-05:00

It's meeting night and I didn't go...but I had a good excuse and it wasn't JOAN.
I've been sick since Monday...tried to work Monday and Tuesday to no avail and went home early both days. I figured staying home Wednesday and sleeping ALL DAY would kick it but woke up this morning even worse than I've been all week so although I would've much rather stayed in bed, I managed my way to the doctor and $130 later, I'm on the mend.
Bronchitis with the added luxury of Sinusitis mmmmm, but had I not gone to the doctor it could've wound up pneumonia so I'm thankful I went, thankful for health insurance, and thankful I had the money for my co-pays.

Had I not gone to the doctor, I also wouldn't know that I put on 13 pounds in the past year

Yeah, could've done without that one
It's really not anything I didn't already know
and yes, she reminded me that it's true weight gain because my clothes weren't that heavy
she said that 3 times
ugh
"What happened to cause that"

ugh well gee doc, I ate!
I started to blame it (in my head) on my gluten intolerance since nothing that is made to be gluten free is low in calories but that's a bunch of bunk
I almost told her I'm in therapy for my compulsive overeating
but I didn't
I got my meds for my horrible symptoms and went home

Why? I think because since I've seen her last she's become a Medifast pusher. Every door, every hallway had a poster promoting the positives. I don't know how a meal replacement diet can be considered positive. The tag line on the smiling model's poster said something hokey like 'with Medifast I didn't have to worry about what I eat so I could focus on Why I eat.'

I tried something like this before. I tried calling Jenny. I felt like such a buffoon. There was no thought whatsoever put into opening a box and pushing a button it actually made me feel WORSE.

Okay so no, I'm not happy about the 13 pounds of 2009
Especially because I was not happy 13 pounds ago

I think that's all I have to say about that right now

But yeah, the meeting...I'm just now barely breathing again so I stayed home recuperating
Work tomorrow
I've found an Ala-non meeting for next week and I bought this book

Yup I'm nervous about this
I've been reading about abstinence and it sounds well...BLAND
broiled, boiled, skinned, blah
but I'm not presupposing
and I'm not jumping ahead
and I'm not an expert
I'm just me...and I'm still on this journey
I'm in a different place than I was in February of '09
I understand some of my body's issues (my gluten intolerance), I've rid myself of my chronic pain, mood swings and general dis-ease, and I'm confronting JOAN
yes...2010 is the year I make contact...with ME

photo credit
photo credit

A Picture says 1000 words...

2010-01-12T18:28:00.001-05:00

this one says more...well it probably says a total of 15 or so but it says them OVER AND OVER again.
Yes, it's JOAN again.
WHAT A HORRIBLE PICTURE
Those jeans make you look fat
Look at the striations stretching around your thighs.

Ugh, shut-up JOAN I know!
I honestly didn't feel good in my clothes on this trip...even the "big" pants were snug

Honestly, this wasn't even meant to be a 'save it to the album' picture. I was testing out my new remote for the camera for our family shot...test shot, that's it.
But it haunts me. So I'm posting it, to see that it's not so bad and JOAN can't keep me hiding because of it.

We re-joined our local gym. They offered a "we want you back" deal...it wasn't so great and I snidely replied with a counter offer...AND THEY TOOK IT. Woo hoo!
It's been good because hub and #1son have been going every morning and #1son DOES NOT do mornings...but he's doing the gym at 6am with the hub...they're doing stuff together...yay

Me? Well I've been sick
creeping crud
not nauseas but tight chested and itchy eyed if I breathe too quick my bronchioles go nuts and I have a coughing fit kind of crud
so I haven't been to the gym yet
grumble grumble
but I'm not letting JOAN say anything about that.
...and the picture doesn't bother me anymore either.

The Why I Do the Things I Do

2010-01-10T10:52:00.001-05:00

** I don't know why my titles have been snippets of songs (or parodies of snippets of songs) lately so please forgive the unintentional planting of any ear worms...I'll try to pick better songs :)

*** JOAN speak

I'm gonna get crazy with the glue stick today (dang it now I'm singing Beck) and work on my goals collage. I want more pictures...I have a lot of words right now but I donated my magazines to the school so I'm at a loss. I really don't want to just image search online because I'd be controlling the images that I found rather than just grabbing what speaks to me... I'll figure it out

Anyway...Why I do the things I do...

The second part of my homework comes from this book. I only know that because I searched for an image to upload...my counselor just gave me a copy of the page I'm supposed to use so I'm not endorsing nor discouraging the reading of this book...nor have I perused any additional pages on line. I'm working REALLY hard on letting the experts be the experts in my recovery because 30 years with JOAN have shown me I don't know squat even though I know A LOT.

My homework comes from page 78 (you can use the arrows to flip through the pages in google books)

This is gonna make me THINK a whole lot more about why I eat
I know I eat when I have to talk
I know I eat as a way to show myself love
I know I eat because I'm not worthy I don't allow myself to be proud of my accomplishments.
Now mind you, just because I know these things, doesn't mean I stop myself...I'm smart enough to know I need a network of experts and support to help with that...and those smarts aren't going to make me eat right now.

So let's take an example

January 8, 2010
(just now realizing it's probably going to be easier to work this sheet backwards which kinda sorta sucks coz that means it will be post-food and my jeans are already getting tight...and they're the size I bought to just be accepting of where I am while I work on this...)

Activators:

I took a shift from 9:30 to 3pm thinking I'd be out by 12:30... never assume
I worked somewhere I haven't been in a while and I'm fatter than I was before
We had family meal scheduled at my mom's house, mom recently got engaged, sister would be there, brother would be there (yay)... on a positive note, my mom bought Gluten Free (she says Glutton...how cute) pasta so I could eat with the family
My mini me has had a fever for 2 days
I haven't gone grocery shopping

Beliefs:

I tried to hide my weight gain in the outfit I chose to wear
I'm thankful it's winter and chilly in Florida so I can wear layers and make it 'look good'
I think I look horrible
If I had more control I wouldn't have let myself get here

Consequences:

I got very quiet
I did a lot of 'rescuing' and became the protector "I just saved you"
I got miffy about chores around the house
I admitted my disorder and my journey to recovery to my brother (he's cool)
I occupied myself with technical mumbo jumbo (a la new template)
I ordered pizza for the fam
I ate pizza

I ate 4 slices of pizza, Pizza Hut stuffed crust pizza

I coulda stopped at 2

but there was something about that happy mouth sensation

and yeah, even though I took 2 pills to help with the gluten issues before I ate the pizza... I just can't do that

It's a band aid and an enabler.

In session on Friday I said I need parallel steps, while I work on ridding myself of JOAN, I need action steps.

Weight watchers worked in the day because I had the action steps and the voices in my head were all about love and empowerment in my job (I had recently met the man who would be my hub and I was doing some great performance art stuff and was encouraged to the hilt by my Pastor/boss at the time)

Eventually, the steps stopped working because the underlying emotional reasons for my eating were never addressed in WW, I still binged, just on a 2lb bag of baby carrots instead of nutty bars. And now the voice is SO loud that I talk myself out of following the steps because I'm just going to fail anyway.

So parallel steps, we'll work on that next time. I've been packing WAY too little food for lunch, not allowing myself to pick from the candy dish at work (2 or 3 kisses a day slip in but I walk away from them 2 or 3 times a day too) and then wind up eating an entire 2nd plate at dinner time. Tara told me to pack more for lunch, or a good snack (see I KNOW these things) but JOAN says...and dared to say right in the middle of our session...'Suck it up, there's enough of your thighs you won't die if you don't pack more food'

Shut up JOAN

photo credit

Homework

2010-01-09T18:31:00.003-05:00

photo credit

I don't believe in New Year's JANUARY 1st resolutions

Honestly, I believe these can happen every day, month, 7 years, or whatever chronological marker happens to coincide with my decision.

So it just so HAPPENS that my homework this week has me redefining my goals for therapy and this homework was assigned in January :)

I started flipping through magazines and cutting out anything that spoke to me in one way or another...it didn't matter why or how, if it made me look, I cut it out.

I guess I'm going for a dream collage but I'm not planning it I'm just doing it...it's inspired, I'm inspired

but for list sake:

List of Changes...not necessarily 2010

Physical/Health - strong, healthy, realistic shape, managing my gluten intolerance without burden
Mental Emotional - Say No To JOAN!
Educational/Academic - finish Bachelors, pursue Masters
Relationships - honest, open, growing, working, improving, always grounded in love, intentionally pursuing friendships
Spiritual - deeper, closer, and more transparent
Professional - blogger, podcaster, teacher, speaker, traveler, healer
Home - painted, garden, simple, green, co-op

This looks better as a collage in my head

but these are the words that came to mind so I spit them out of my fingers

I also have a trigger worksheet

this one should be cool

I'm gonna stick it in my pretty journal

so i have it at the ready when I feel the need to soothe with food.

My drug of choice...

2010-01-08T11:55:00.001-05:00

These meetings are going to be hard. Thursday night meetings read from "The Big Book," and there is no Big Book for OA...it's the AA book so we're reading about alcoholism and alcoholics keeping our own addictions in mind. Sometimes we change the word alcoholic with food addict, or alcoholism with compulsive over eating...but some of the stories don't lend themselves that way so we read about the disease of addiction and apply it to our own circumstances.

This is hard, because I've lived with addicts of one sort or another for pretty much my entire life. And yes, I want to change them. I AM that moderate drinker that can take it or leave it and thinks you should be able to as well. I WAS a recreational drug user that couldn't understand how you could blow your paycheck on a knot that was gone in one day...then lose your job because you were high for days and missed work. But I'm also the food addict that gets pissed off when someone says "Oh just one treat every once in a while won't kill you," or, "if you want to lose weight, just don't eat so much." Well DER!

I didn't talk much last night
I did identify with a passage in the story we read about the character's sober self being the antithesis of his true self ...this is SO who I am as a compulsive overeater and have been for years.
At the end of the meeting the leader asked me to pick the closing prayer
PICK?
There are choices?
"um, I don't know, I'm a newbie..."

We open every meeting with the Serenity prayer...so she suggested that would be a good closer that I knew...
"okay"

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference"

I realize something I cannot change if I want to break this cycle
I must face the fact that I cannot use my drug of choice - - I cannot compulsively overeat to soothe myself
This is gonna suck
I am gonna suck
withdrawal is gonna be a bitch
I'M gonna be a bitch
I'm not looking forward to it
I am looking forward to it
UGH

I have a counseling appointment today with Tara
Today we begin working on my Good girl/Bad girl perceptions

can't sleep I'll eat with the clown

2010-01-07T18:07:00.001-05:00

I wasn't necessarily going for a nonsensical title...but I'm tired and it's Thursday and my body would rather stay here in my chair than get in the car and head to my OA meeting.

The last 2 meetings have been on holidays when we've been out of town, or just getting back into town so I haven't been since the first one.

I don't want to go
I'm sure it's JOAN
Hub told me to go
I'm gonna go
but I'd really just rather sit here

photo credit
see...even JOAN Has weird food issues!

Mom in the mirror

2009-12-24T13:21:00.000-05:00

It's not a bad thing...

If you knew my mother...you wouldn't mind looking like her too

but today I see myself in the screen (I'm on screen all day)

and the other day I saw myself in the mirror and thought

"yup...gonnabe40soonmombody'

but it wasn't really a bad thing

it was an acceptance thing

NO, I don't want to be an overweight, tired, lazy, eating bonbons kinda mom body

but for the first time that I can recall...I wasn't looking at myself through the "you should be a desperate housewife" kinda mom body

I think that's a better starting point

I'm coming into acceptance of being older (mind you, I've never had a desperate housewife kinda body)

but I think i've always had a distorted ideal

strike that

I KNOW I've always had a distorted ideal

even when I was at a healthy weight...I felt fat and complained about being fat

Today I do feel fat

I've complained, in my brain, about being fat

clothes that fit me...just last month, not 4 years ago...are not comfortable

so there is action that needs to be taken

but this time, the finish line looks a little different...and maybe, a bit more attainable?

Merry Christmas

SLOSHED

2009-12-22T18:45:00.005-05:00

It would be so much easier if I was an alcoholic...or even a drug user
for some reason it seems more acceptable to me to say I hit the bar tonight during happy hour and had 4 long island iced teas in an hour and a half

Or that I went to a killer party this weekend and shared a knot

but I don't do that
what I do is the same
it's as destructive
and completely over the top

but it's food
and for some reason that makes me feel like the dreggs of society
the worst of the worst
i mean it's food...just stop
how can you be SO gross

Drugs and alcohol are so socially acceptable
but eating is not...just ask Kirstie Allie
she's on the cover of one of those grocery store tabloids looking bigger than ever
I saw her when I purchased my chocoloate chip yo yo cookie sandwich
don't know what that is
it's 2 chocolate chip cookies dipped like a brown and white cookie, with disgustingly sweet cream filling between them like a sandwich

I ate the whole thing
AFTER I ate a #6 meal from taco bell

WHY
WHY
WHY?!?!?
JOAN's revenge?
because I have a meeting tonight at work that has turned into a potluck full of things I can't eat (pshaw right...did you read what I just ate...trust me it wuddn't gluten free)
because of the shit with my dad's truck
because I got "caught being good" at work
because because because?

I was sooo afraid when i thought about blogging this...more people, closer people, even my hub read my blog now
but i'm typing anyway..JOAN is sitting on my desk swinging her leg, inspecting her nails waiting for me to 'stop this foolishness'

I had no voice
my brain wanted to call someone and say "PLEASE HELP I"M ABOUT TO EAT"
but I couldn't
my fingers wouldn't let me
and my mind wouldn't stop me from going through the checkout
and eating, rather than just throwing it all away even though I already bought it

I feel so gross
I feel dizzy
I can't concentrate
it's like a bad buzz or morning after hangover
and I don't like it

I'm afraid of the comments
but more afraid of staying like this forever
so I'm blogging
eventually I'll find my voice
and someday, I won't get sloshed anymore

I love myself...and someday soon I'll know how to show myself that love
it starts by hitting "publish post"

photo credit

The First Cut is the Deepest

2009-12-20T22:57:00.002-05:00

the jeans are gone

and another pair of pants i've always wanted to wear
they will be part of a quilt, that will keep us warm...much more nourishing
it wasn't as hard as I thought
only the size 8's ...the one pair I saved
the rest I grew out of
hub made it through 3 pairs before I got through that one
but I did it

thanks hub

photo credit

Morning after...

2009-12-18T08:40:00.001-05:00

Opened my eyes this morning and there was JOAN
'You know dear, you really don't need that pitiful group. I mean really, reading aloud from a book writen AGES ago like a group of kindergarteners...although you were the best reader there, such inflection and affect to your voice'

"I'm not listening to you, I'm sleeping"

'Your alarm has gone off dear, it IS time to wake up and besides, what I'm telling you is important. You are much too smart for this, honestly if this God stuff was going to work don't you think it would've already. You just need to listen to me, obviously I know how to do it...just look at me. Babetta, this remedial, repetetive, bunk is for the birds! Did you SEE the class of people in that room...idiots! All of them! You, my dear could run rings around of the whole lot of them you have NOTHING in common with those people don't bring yourself down to their stupor!

"My name is Babetta and I"m a compulsive overeater"

'O GAWD would you stop being so dramatic! And get out of bed already your alarm went off hours ago'

"It went off 5 minutes ago, now who's being dramatic?"

'Don't speak to me that way! And besides, remember how upset your family was when you got home late, they were hungry and waiting for you, how could you be so selfish, you have responsibilities you know'

"Shut-up JOAN"

'You know he was upset, it was in the tone of his voice'

"We've already spoken about that, without YOU, so you can Shut-up now"

'Like saying that to me ever works, dear...you really should get up now. Get yourself ready for work, we'll discuss this meeting later'

"There's nothing to discuss"

'I said we'll talk about it later'

"What'd you say? I should Join O A Now?"

'Don't get smart with me'

"I'm already smart...remember?"

*photo credit
p.s.
There is part of me that agrees with her
I did internally roll my eyes and think "how juvenile" this seems during the meeting at least once if not twice...
But if I AM so damn smart...well then why hasn't it worked by now. I'm smart enough to know I need help...and I did relate with at least one other person there...and I had enough in common with everyone else.
I'm going back. Partially because I need to, and partially because JOAN doesn't want me to...
I am not JOAN,
she is not me
and the more I do that she wouldn't do
...the further apart we'll be!