Getting into agreement with myself

...today got away from me
i made breakfast and coffee (hub didn't want to eat but appreciated the java), did my bills, went to pay the dog fines, came back home, grabbed some doggie goodies and a lavabar (yum) and headed to the animal shelter...visited with Bear, left him a blanket, his FAVORITE chew toy and gave him a good brushing with promises to be back tomorrow, then off to xanderblue for mini me's haircut, that took longer than expected (afternoon hair appointments are a bear because of the exponential effects of running late), got home, took my History exam on-line (aced it), ran out to pick up sushi and ice cream for dinner and dessert and now it's 6:29, the hub is playing volleyball in the rain (he'll be home soon) the mini me just realized the sushi we got contains wheat...oh joy...and i didn't make any phone calls today.

i managed to spend about $600...okay so the dog cost $495 and I bought a book of stamps

but i didn't make my phone calls

I don't have to be into work tomorrow until 1pm

i do have to stop in and see the dog

so the plan is...

up at 8

dog shelter at 9

back home by 10:30

clean up from dog visit

make phone calls

leave for work by 12:15

think I'm cutting it too close?

Today I have decided...

Today I have decided I love my shape
and it's not like the previous
i love my thighs
i love my thighs
i love my thighs
i love my thighs (although I was able to type that without hesitation so the muscle memory is sinking in)

Today I realized I do really love my shape
I'm not feeling well today...dang head cold...so I spent the entire morning and a few hours of the afternoon in bed. My hub came home for lunch and brought me some meds (yes i resorted to over the counter because my head was going to explode and i was feeling worse because i was feeling useless) so i peeled myself out of bed and into the shower.
Out of the shower and caught my reflection in the full length mirror and decided to look a little closer. I do love my breasts, they're small but very pretty if I do say so myself. I love my waist and the curve of my ribs into my waist and hips. Even the softness of my belly is attractive to me...perhaps not the size, but the shape and that was my focus today. There is still some definition of the muscles in my stomach that again, even though soft, are attractive. My neck, collar bones and shoulders are very strong, I've always loved that...at the height of my yoga practice i had a great back...the structure is still there so my shape is the same and when i flex, i see the strength.
I am who and what I am supposed to be in this hour of this day of my life
there are no mistakes only parts of the journey
and the journey is always toward the destination, even when it feels like we're going backwards.
I feel as though I'm moving towards a new, important phase in life.
Moving from glory to glory
I don't feel stuck or resistant to this change, even though it's ugly and bringing lots of things to the surface that I don't necessarily want to see or have others see. Before I can become polished, all the impurities need to be burned away, the heat has to be just right and the refiner needs to be close by at all times. I feel that way now.
Yes, admitting my addiction and fears, and disgust and stubbornness is difficult...but not as hard as I thought it would be. I know I'm not done...I know it'll get uglier before it gets better.
10 years ago I had a glimpse, I remember heading to Checkers to pick up food for all of our employees in the store and buying myself an extra meal to eat on the way back then eating again with everyone else. I admitted it then...I lost the weight, phen-fen was the big thing then and I definitely got skinny, then I got pregnant and had a reason to eat without concern...so i did and at 3 months pregnant I looked 6 months pregnant and after my baby was born I weighed 216lbs (ack!)

So anyway...moving on I mentioned to my hub that I'm searching for a behavior modification therapist...i've been given 4 recommendations. Only one has a website and she looks pretty cool.
We already have a great family counselor, why not go see her?
Well, she knows me, she knows me not only as a client but as a peer. We've worked together in a couple of different scenarios and while I know she'd probably be great for me and would still be professional and could help me, I'm embarrassed to talk to her.
So I checked out the one website I could find, and it looks great. She's close, she's got a great philosophy yada yada yada
she's 3 years younger than I am
(stumble)
I'm sure it's just another excuse some part of me is making.
Another of my recommendations is in a part of town I don't want to go to in a facility with a reputation (at least in my mind)...excuse number 2
it's already after 5pm today so I can't call anyone today
but tomorrow, I'm waking up with my husband and making breakfast, getting my "paperwork" done for the week so that by 9am I'm ready to spend some time on the phone with 4 potential counselors
I'm off Mondays and Tuesdays every week and I'm making an appointment for next week
There, I said it, and typed it, out into the universe
someone out there is in agreement with me
therefore it's bound here on earth

did I mention, today I love my shape

ooooh I'm tellllin

Started talking to my hub today
he already knew
which was strangely comforting
told him I'm looking for a specialist
he was very supportive
I love him
:)

New Found Fat

How is it that now all of my weight is back...my former fat clothes fit differently and my others do too

I still have the jeans that walked me into WW the first time
I'm as heavy as on that first Saturday morning but they are not as tight
but my blouses...well they don't fit the same around the arms anymore
I've always been able to "dress smaller" by accentuating my upper body and waist and disguising my thighs and hips. But now...I have to resort to large shirts because of the sleeves
and the rest of my upper body isn't large
so I look ridiculous
but wearing a small or medium blouse with tight sleeves looks even MORE ridiculous (every time i type that word I think of Balki) especially in my field
I suppose I should be grateful that my lower body isn't AS big as it was
but ... I'm not, at least not today

chicken fingers and onion rings

that is dinner
now
with a side of blue cheese
and I'm shoveling because well...
because I thought i was in a hurry to get to my assignment but really
i'm shoveling so my team doesn't see what I'm eating
and this is a double whammy coz the breading is gonna make me miserable tomorrow
and we have a wedding to go to
and I've wanted to cry all day

and oh, did I mention,
they ITD'd my dog
they have an Intention to Destroy him
go figure
we were told that wasn't even an option
so now we have a hearing set for 2 weeks from now
and the dog is already confused and lonely
so of course he's not being nice
and chicken fingers and onion rings haven't helped
i don't even remember what they tasted like
and I waited an uberlong time to order them
that was my conscious saying...you don't want those
but did i listen
NOOOOOOOO
i just got a crumb on the keyboard

looking for help

I spent a bit of time today surfing on the OA site
there's a meeting not far from here
then there are online meetings and email loops
I might lurk there...but i'm not sure the group meeting thing is for me

I did call my EAP for a referral
the person who answers the phone is a counselor too and she spent a long time with me on the phone (and she was from Austin...go figure...both of my soul sistahs are there right now)

I'm definitely ready for the behavior modification part
I know the food part
hell I still binged when I was skinny, I just binged on carrots and celery
so maybe i didn't gain any weight but the underlying behavior was still there
i still turned to food for comfort

She gave me the names of 4 local counselors who have eating disorders listed under their specialties...so I'll do some research and see who I wanna see
I will make my decision by April 1st
no foolin

check

My desk is clean :)

Rehab?

That's my title
because I equate my food issues with being a Junkie
I've always eaten when no one is around
I've always "covered my tracks" by burying my trash or eating at dinner even though I was still reeling and sick from a binge
I'd not even taste the bite I just put in my mouth because I was focused on the next one so I could finish before I got caught
Know what's weird
I'd do that even when I was single and had no chance of getting caught
So there's a foreboding sense of guilt

What if I had to live everything out loud
what if I had to go through a binge in front of my husband?
Why is it okay to get fall down drunk in front of friends but not fall down full(well it's not really, but more culturally accepted definitely)

I am not well
I have an addiction
I have an addiction to something I can't avoid
You can dump the bottle down the sink but eventually you have to take a bite

This all sounds a bit pathetic to me because intellectually I just wanna say "Oh just Stop It and Suck it Up ... Move ON!" You know better than this, no you can't have _____ fill in the blank with whatever it is you're wanting. Just like I tell my kids. You had one earlier, that's enough for today.

Am I brave enough to just say I have a problem
no, not just a problem fitting into my jeans
a real problem and I need help
maybe this problem that I've been hiding behind all the other likeable things about me is finally fed up and pushing its way out of me through the pain and fatigue and general discomfort I've been feeling lately
And if I am brave enough, then what
How many other blogs could you find today where someone is silently screaming the same thing...or someone screamed the same thing, found someone to help, then realized later it didn't really help at all...I DO still have the size 6 jeans in my drawer after all...and that was only a few years ago. Hell, I even taught OTHER people how to lose weight...no wonder I feel like a hypocrite.

Are you a food addict?
To answer this question, ask yourself the following questions and answer them as honestly as you can.

1 Have you ever wanted to stop eating and found you just couldn't?
2 Do you think about food or your weight constantly?
3 Do you find yourself attempting one diet or food plan after another, with no lasting success?
4 Do you binge and then "get rid of the binge" through vomiting, exercise, laxatives, or other forms of purging?
5 Do you eat differently in private than you do in front of other people?
6 Has a doctor or family member ever approached you with concern about your eating habits or weight?
7 Do you eat large quantities of food at one time (binge)?
8 Is your weight problem due to your "nibbling" all day long?
9 Do you eat to escape from your feelings?
10 Do you eat when you're not hungry?
11 Have you ever discarded food, only to retrieve and eat it later?
12 Do you eat in secret?
13 Do you fast or severely restrict your food intake?
14 Have you ever stolen other people's food?
15 Have you ever hidden food to make sure you have "enough?"
16 Do you feel driven to exercise excessively to control your weight?
17 Do you obsessively calculate the calories you've burned against the calories you've eaten?
18 Do you frequently feel guilty or ashamed about what you've eaten?
19 Are you waiting for your life to begin "when you lose the weight?"
20 Do you feel hopeless about your relationship with food?


Okay this got angry and self defeating but I'm sure theres some revelation in there too but now I have to go clean off my desk because I said I would and I've been putting it off for a while

putting things off...something I need to stop doing
doing what I say I will...something I need to continue doing

An Authentic Self is the Most Personal Form of Worship

holy crap...

NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE US FROM OURSELVES.

We are each endowed with the capacity to be responsible for the quality our experience. However, until consciously impacted with our compassionate awareness, our unintegrated fear, anger, and grief continues to function as the unconscious causal point of our outer disharmony, discomfort, disease, and delusion. By continuing to suppress and sedate our unintegrated emotional condition - and instead allowing ourselves to be emotionally carried and provoked by anyone or anything - we remain a species that is inauthentic, out of integrity, and lacking in the emotional capacity to intimately contain an awareness of what we are or what God is for us. Only by consciously developing our capacity to feel are we delivered beyond this predicament.

I'm gonna keep reading....http://www.thepresenceportal.com/

hunger

at lunch with the hub today
i felt full
could've stopped and left myself a nice "leftover meal" for later
but i didn't
i continued to eat
and now that i'm home and there were onions in my lunch
i'm noshing on gluten free chocolate chip cookies to kill the taste

i'm not physically hungry
but i'm not physically full
do I just keep going to get that FULL feeling?
I've toyed with this idea before
when i do "eat for no physical reason" i eat until i'm so full i can't move
so that i feel tight in my skin
no more space
like a big bear hug
which makes sense since my love language is physical touch

i'm not necessarily feeling unloved
so why?

What's the point (s)

There's no one right way to do this
but there are so many ways
lo-carb
no-carb
all-carb
no-fat
low-fat
pure-fat
all-fruit
no-fruit
vegetarian
vegan
macrobiotic
aromatherapy
triggerpoint therapy
yoga therapy
color therapy
shock therapy
hypnosis
acupuncture
self love
tough love
body love
love somebody
points
calories
grams
fiber
protein
carbs
minerals
vitamins
supplements
herbs

so many and no one

when I ingest gluten, I have an (almost) immediate reaction
so gluten is out
that's the first basic parameter and a non-negotiable
so today I thought I'd just "see" what the points are for one of many possible gluten free breakfast options.
9 points
for breakfast
i didnt need the creamer so it could've been 7
but 3/4 cup of gluten free granola cereal (which is phenomenal by the way)
and 1/2 cup of hemp milk
with a small banana
seemed to look small

but now that i'm thinking about it
i'm quite satisfied (must've been all the good stuff like sunflower seeds, almonds and flax in the cereal)

so seeing isn't everything
seeing isn't believing

i think this must work in the mirror as well
i mean, i think it must (has to) work in the mirror
My problem exists in my perception of my image (in comparison to other images that have burned into my brain through the years)
I have never liked my image
Oh I may have liked how I looked one day or another or in a certain outfit
but there has always been something i haven't liked.

I have jeans waiting for me in my drawer
and i distinctly remember saying "i look fat in these don't i" one day while wearing them...and now wearing them is a goal

so it's an image perception problem
I need to like what I see no matter what I see because no matter what I've seen I haven't liked it

but how do i go about doing that
fake it til i make it
tell myself again and again that i love my thighs
i love my thighs
i love my thighs
i love my thighs
i love my thighs
i love my thighs
i love my thighs
i love my thighs
i love my thighs
i love my thighs
i love my thighs

so that is now partially embedded in my finger muscle memory since i didn't even cut and paste...i typed each line

so today
i love my thighs
my thighs are strong
my thighs are full and curvy
my thighs add to my voluptuous, sensuous shape
i love my thighs

(it's getting easier to type i love my thighs without a type-o...maybe this muscle memory thing will work)


and, still in confession mode
I ate too many lindor truffles yesterday
very determinedly gave the rest of the bag to the kids and they gobbled them up
confession is the first step in forgiveness
forgiveness leads to redemption
Redeem: To restore the honor, worth, or reputation of
to restore the honor and worth of myself
the honor and worth of my body
to understand that I am worthy
because I eat when I think that I am not or don't deserve to be

I love my thighs
I love my thighs
I love my thighs

Act of Contrition

I confess
to Almighty God
and to you my Brothers and Sisters
that I have sinned

....
something follows that about in my thoughts and words, in what I have done and what I have failed to do, and I ask Blessed Mary ever virgin...
then I forget the rest again

But nonetheless I confess
I am a thief
I am a liar
I am a deceiver
I am a saboteur
I am a hypocrite

I am an eater
I eat
and eat
and eat, and eat
and eat, and eat, and eat

Even when I don't want to eat
Even when I don't like what I'm eating
(and here's the kicker)
Even when what I'm eating makes me physically ill

I have been an eater as long as I can remember
I snuck oreos under the covers of my room that had hideous pink and white wallpaper from my sibling's remaining decor
I bought snacks at the Eastgate Shopping Center drug store and ate them before I got home
I ate a box of GS cookies on more than one occasion just in this past month

Yes, this is a confession and there is no such thing as a delete button when confessing (unless it's a type-o because I can't stand those)

I read quite a few weight loss blogs today
many of them are angry
many of them are on again off again
many of them are filled with information I already know
Heck...it's information EVERYBODY knows

So why bother with another fat girl blog
I don't know
Maybe it's to give me something to do rather than eat.
There's something more to my mind body connection than hate and food
Here, I will find it

for today

Is there a difference between yes and no?
Is there a difference between good and evil?
Must I fear what others fear? What nonsense.
Having and not having arise together
Difficult and easy complement each other
Long and short contrast each other
High and low rest upon each other
Front and back follow one another ~Ken Wilber



the 8 limbs of yoga have led me to discern that I am unhappy with the 4 limbs of my body and several parts in between. Unhappiness is not what I wish to be.
If weight is lost, won't it desire to be found
If I gain weight what do I have then to lose
When I was thin I still felt fat
When I am fat I'll never be thin

There is no this or that
There are no boundaries
There is no happy or unhappy
There only is

And this is what I shall discover
What is

I don't know which way I'll get there
food, exercise, therapy, anger, happiness, depression, manic episodes, level-headedness or never
But there is just another boundary
and there is No Boundary