Reframe the Mirror

Yesterday I complained about looking 'frumpy' in the mirror...even in my dreams...but not necessarily thinking it was a "bad" thing. Back when I was what society would call "thin" I looked at myself and still saw fat. Now, I'm what society might call "fat," but not necessarily unhappy with what I see in the mirror (most days).

Then a soul sista solicited words of wisdom because SHE was feeling confused about what she sees in the mirror too (must be something in the air).

Without even taking a breath to pause and think...I answered her back with this:

Who decides you look bad?
Of course you don't think you look bad when you look at yourself no! You are seeing the embodiment of the manifestation of your dreams! You are vibrationally in synch with (insert your name here), the (insert your accomplishment here). You have begun believing yourself in ways that make those around you quicken their pace to catch some of that mojo. OF COURSE YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE!

You are taking action

You are honoring your true self

You are pulling her to the surface

And when you see her, she is beautiful

When you see her as beautiful...well, you know the rest!

Well it was so profound I decided I needed to hear it too...
And I'm guessing someone out there might too!

Who decides you look bad?

Of course you don't think you look bad when you look at yourself no!
You are seeing the embodiment of the manifestation of your dreams!
You are vibrationally in synch with Babs, the sought after writer, teacher, and healer. You have begun believing yourself in ways that make those around you quicken their pace to catch some of that mojo.
OF COURSE YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE!

You are taking action

You are honoring your true self

You are pulling her to the surface

And when you see her, she is beautiful

When you see her as beautiful...well, you know the rest!

Remembering the Journey

I've spent part of my morning reading my blog. I started all the way back at my very first post.
It didn't take me long to realize the intention of this journey is more than just a smaller size.
Losing weight IS a component, but it is not the end all be all.

I asked my hub if he could come up with anything for me this week...just ways in which I have changed, if any, as a result of my journey. He listed a bunch right off the bat...most of them dealing with my strength. My willinginess to stand up for myself in different situations and how MY strength has inspired HIM to be stronger. He says I need to remember the positive effect I have on everyone around me. He also reminded me that it's okay to feel uncomfortable in my body and to want to change it. It's not ALL I want.
He's also glad that Joan isn't around as much, if at all, anymore. He got sorta tired of how much she controlled my every thought...ME TOO...she was overbearing to the NTH degree so I'm glad she's taken up residence outside of earshot.

In my cubicle at work I have the collage that I made.
It's filled with images and statements that reflect what I want(ed) to have or be doing.
Now when I look at it...I DO have or AM doing everything on that poster.
I AM making progress and I've even started collecting clippings for a new poster.

In January I wrote this

List of Changes...not necessarily 2010

• Physical/Health - strong, healthy, realistic shape, managing my gluten intolerance without burden
• Mental Emotional - Say No To JOAN!
• Educational/Academic - finish Bachelors, pursue Masters
• Relationships - honest, open, growing, working, improving, always grounded in love, intentionally pursuing friendships
• Spiritual - deeper, closer, and more transparent
• Professional - blogger, podcaster, teacher, speaker, traveler, healer
• Home - painted, garden, simple, green, co-op

I'm definitely making progress on each point
"Realistic Shape" stands out to me under the first bullet point, not because I equate it with weight loss but because my vision of "realistic" has changed this past year.

A few weeks ago in group we had to visualize what life looks like as "happy."
Who is there, what does it look like, what are you doing, etc...
Then we had to turn and look in a full length mirror
I looked EXACTLY like I do now

At first I was frustrated by that
I saw myself as frumpy
but I had JUST seen myself doing great things with great people
having a great time
feeling ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL
doing things I NEVER thought imaginable in this body (which is really sorta silly)

So the body doesn't bar me from being happy
And Thinner isn't Better
It's okay to want to be a bit more comfortable

Not bad for a Monday
I need to start working on my next collage

Next step...reorient to my intention:
This time, I'm not going to be afraid to include some physical milestones
I think I was so afraid to include them before because to be on a "diet" is a bad thing.
To not be happy in my body is a "bad" thing.
To want to change my body is a "bad" thing.

No it's not...not necessarily
It can be...when it's all I think about or all that motivates me it's in danger of becoming a famous leading lady loved by campy drag queens everywhere.

Otherwise...it's just another aspect to my wholeness
my holistic journey to Babsness

So sorry if you follow both of my blogs...

this was worth a repost!

The Universe has shown me on several occasions just this week that it is time to stop dreaming and just DO.

My goal?

To be recognized and sought after as an esteemed communication and relationship coach in the areas of personal, social and professional relations.

Turns out people recognize this quality in me...and even seek out my skills already so I'm jumpin' in while I work on the "esteemed" part...

So by July 15th I will

• meet with my web designer and outline launch of my website
• make contact with at least 2 potential mentors who can help me create my fee structure
• contact local organizations (churches, community centers, etc.) and book 3 introductory workshops

Ta Da

So let it be written...

So let it be DONE

Woman earns Masters with honors, Cannot attend commencement ceremonies because she won't fit out the door...News at 11

There is definitely something to this school = eating equation...
Again today...it was everything I could do to keep myself from a drive through
I did it
I kept myself from every intimidating fast food sign, made it to school and cooked the dinner I packed
I bought 2 diet sodas from the vending machine to make it through the night (4 hr class.........zzzzzzz)

I did start my period yesterday
and I'm missing opening night of my daughter's play tonight (but will see another show)
I even contemplated "skipping" class so I could go to the show but...

• next week is midterm and if I miss review...I'll bomb the midterm (I know this teacher)
• there are other performances this weekend
• my hub, boys, and some extended family will be there tonight

...and most importantly, I was SEARCHING for a good excuse to skip class

which is somehow tied to drive-through desire on school nights

and I can't do either...skip, or hit a drive through

so I'm not

I'm here, in class waiting for the clock to strike 6pm and lecture to start.

I left a special gift for my mini me and hub gave it to her before he dropped her off backstage...

She loved it

She knows I love her

I'm in class

and I'm not eating...

I'll take it

Noticing a trend here...

After today's experience making my point with the credit card company and this month's episode with mom,
I'm seeing that for me, there is something to this speaking up stuff...speaking up.

I have this quote on a bumper sticker....LOVE IT!

That kinda ties in with my spiritual gifts theory seeing as I really didn't shut-up much when I was a kid.
I don't know when that changed...

I do know that these past two experiences have been calming. I can't find a better word than that.

This morning when I finished on the phone...I was a bit exhilarated but I felt resolution...I honored the piece of me that holds a strong belief in paying what I owe AND I spoke up about feeling wronged.

Just like with mom.

And in both cases

each time

at the exact moment the opposite party said, "You're right, I (we) did that..." I felt resolution.

I can hear my therapist now..."resolution isn't a 'feeling' word" how did that make you FEEL?"

Okay

I felt calm

I felt warm

I felt like the puzzle pieces fit together

maybe this is what validation FEELS like?

So now...

I just have to figure out why I tend to avoid this feeling like the plague!

xo

Shaking in my sneakers

Okay it comes as no surprise to me, nor should it to you...I'm scared about tomorrow
I intended to run a 5K back in October, got a couple sponsors, downloaded a podcast...4 weeks in my IT band was screaming and I stopped training

I intended to run THIS 5K tomorrow
Paid the registration fee, downloaded a new podcast
2 weeks in my IT band was screaming and I had to slow down
I decided I could walk it (gasp, that was a HUGE decision) it's a RACE not a stroll, dear.
So I've been walking on the treadmill, and swimming/running laps in the pool
Coming to terms with the fact that WALKING a 5K is still a big deal.
It's a "Princess" 5K so I'm even wearing a Tiara (that's my Babsness peeking out)

But this week I started wondering if I could finish it in time
You have to maintain a 16 min mile pace or better in order to get a completion medal (there are no top honors...everyone who crosses in time gets a medal.
If you can't do that you're a louse.
What if I CAN'T do that.

Well...considering I've signed up before, and paid before...actually SHOWING up would be an improvement from my previous attempts.

So I go to pick up my number this afternoon
My hub and mini me are coming with me tomorrow morning
I'll do my very best
and be proud that I did

ohhhhhh THAT hit a visceral nerve!







I've been a bit snacky today...I've stayed on plan just been munching my food each time I take a break (every hr) which isn't how I normally do it.

Listen body,
Tomorrow we're going to go for a walk, just you and me
Yeah there will be other people there...they may choose to go slower or faster than we do, but that doesn't matter. We'll do the best we can and it will feel great...you remember that awesome 'zappy electric' feeling we get in our legs after we've walked the dogs? Yeah that! And there will be cool stuff to look at because we're 'walking around the world' at Epcot. So, the view will be good, I'm sure the music will rock and we're sure to see some interesting characters (human and costumed!).
Can we run one of these someday, maybe...would I like to, yeah but if you're not okay with that we can find something else to do. We've both enjoyed being in the pool as of late, and we know we love yoga so why don't we do that anymore?

It's okay if tomorrow doesn't work out the way I originally thought it would. I don't think my original thoughts were very realistic anyway...yeah, anyone CAN run a 5K, and someday I might
Tomorrow, I'm honoring my body
Tomorrow, I'm honoring a goal that I set for myself
Tomorrow, I'm saying NO to JOAN!

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...so I don't eat

I'm going to go to bed soon...so I don't eat

but I write so I don't eat...so I'll do some of that first
I guess there are a lot of reasons why I might WANT to eat
my hub is snowboarding
i'm premenstrual
the condition of my house is bugging me (probably because i'm premenstrual and my hub is snowboarding)
i submitted a presenter application for 3 workshops at an upcoming weekend conference
ACK

I didn't really have any problems typing up my application and tweaking my resume (although I do need a presenter's resume...not an job hunt resume...maybe after I can add these 3 to my list of accomplishments I'll do that...)
I made a plan with my bff and gave myself a deadline of tonight.
She very kindly reminded me that today was Wednesday...submission d-day
and I knew when the sun went down, the laptop opened.

I did it
I even posted a FB status about it
and somewhere inside I'm nervous about it
so I'm thinking about the rice crackers I have in the pantry
of course I tell myself I'm not thinking about the boxful...just a few
but I'm telling myself OUT LOUD that I'm not having any and just going to bed
because even if it didn't turn into a binge or an indulgence...it would be a food soothe because I'm really not needing/wanting food for nourishment
so I just need to sleep
but that's hard
because the hub is snowboarding
sigh

So instead, I'll think about presenting this June
Two theatrical interpreting workshops and a yoga workshop for interpreters
Sharing what I've learned and put into practice, sharing what works for me, learning what works for others and networking

Yeah...networking
although I don't know that I want to go on the interpreting workshop circuit
I do know that I want to be teaching/presenting/mentoring in some capacity (actually...more about authenticity and finding self) Isn't that ironic. So this foray into the presenting world in more than just my backyard is a good step for me.

I don't need to eat something because I'm proud of an accomplishment. You haven't accomplished anything yet.  There is the potential for a binge here...but thankfully, I have enough people who 'know' that I can turn to that I think I can keep the counter rolling.

I also promise to be cognizant of any other sabotaging behavior
I have a biology test next Tuesday to study for
I have a concert coming up in a couple of weeks to prep for
I have a garden I'd like to work on this week
oh yes, and there is my 5K week after next

all of these are things I might 'passively kill' in order to avoid the accomplishment
but now you know about them
I don't have to do any of them perfectly...but I will do all of them.

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Even when she doesn't want to

"Today, no matter where I'm going and no matter what I am doing, it is my dominant intent to see that which I am wanting to see." --- Abraham

Excerpted from the workshop in Boca Raton, FL on Sunday, January 12th, 1997 #351

Babs got kicked in the gut yesterday
These things happen...life is full of ups and downs and challenges that make us rethink our actions, behaviors, thoughts, relationships and goals.
It knocked the wind out of me
JOAN made sure I stayed down for a while and is still trying to keep me there.

The interesting development in all of this is...I actually allowed myself to experience a feeling
an uber ucky one at that

I felt it in all it's glory and paid attention to each manifestation it had in my body.
This is big for me, remember I'm the body-cut-in-half girl and where my head goes, the body does not always follow and where my body goes...the head does not always understand.

So my heart became agitated...not my physical heart, although I'm sure my heart rate was elevated for a while...but my heart chakra. I felt myself CLAMP down around that energy center and bind up...
My Babs was so entangled in that anger my stomach was churning and my mind was clicking through images like an old movie projector...and they weren't good ones.


But they weren't bad ones either.
My mind was standing up for itself
'Hey, if this is what you think about me then fine...I don't care...I don't much like you anyway'


That was the gruff side
the more diplomatic side was thinking
'We don't all have to agree all the time...you have your opinion, I thank you for sharing it with me'
but then adding...
'but I'll take my marbles and go play with the other kids anyway.'


Herein lies the conflict
When someone calls me out on something...i examine it
I mean, as we know better we do better, right?
But I don't wanna see that I could be wrong...I found myself defending my actions when I didn't even REALLY know what I was being called out about.
OY!


But JOAN has stepped in this morning
She sat on the arm of the chair last night as I brooded
But this morning she's taken a different tactic (probably because I didn't resort to food last night...yes the counter is still counting)
This evening I'm supposed to present to a group of soon to be newbies in the world of interpreting about Performance Interpreting. This is my niche. I have a certain philosophy through which I approach my work, it works for me and I've been asked to share it. 


But dear, this is the exact thing that this current flare up is about...so obviously your perspective is not a positive one. And really, why are you taking that drive again...you know you're just putting yourself at risk for that ugly behavior of yours.


You know what happens every time you try to assert yourself and flount your 'talent' no one likes a show off dear. You're not the queen bee you know, better to keep yourself humble and just stay home. Just send an email, say you're not up to the drive (because truly...you're not, you'll fail again and we'll be back at square one). Just stay home tonight dear. You'll be gone 3 nights out of the week this week and that's rather selfish of you.


Oh my GOD
so much of my body agrees with her...if my bones could nod they would
SHUT UP JOAN
Heck yeah I'm scared
Heck yeah it's risky
I'm not sure how to deal with 'proud' feelings and really just wish I had someone to go with me so I could see this whole thing through without screwing it up
But JOAN is not me
Everything she says is WRONG
and I'm vehemently shaking my head NO!


I'll make the drive
I'll share what I know
I'll drive back home


and before I leave...I'll pack good snacks in the car and make sure the iPod is charged with my favorite songs.


sigh
my body is not agreeing with my head yet


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C.A.S.E.

I'm a classic c.a.s.e.-er
I Copy And Steal Everything
If I see it and I like it...I copy it!
Heck, if I like the way you're doing something and I think it could work for me...well then voila! The highest form of flattery!
As we know better, we do better...and if you know better, well then I'm learning from you so I can do better too!
All that to say...I stole this from a fellow conquerer I read and she stole it from this site...

There are definitely days when my effort feels like 'not enough.'
As a wife, as a mom, as an employee, as a student, as a human! And we won't even go into how JOAN can make me feel substandard with a glance...
So, time to think on other things because...

Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. Philippians 4:8 ~The Message

1. The things you’re grateful to have

Think of the things you’re grateful for. Food, shelter, family, friends, a car, all the big and small things many aren’t fortunate to have.

• I'm grateful for my job, for my friends, for my Holly Hobbie Lunch box,
• I'm grateful for my hub and kids, for music, my blog, my counselor, for colored pencils and dancing in the kitchen while I put away the dishes.
• I'm grateful for Spirit who loves me and for my resurfacing Babsness! 

2. The things you’re grateful NOT to have

Each of us can come up with something we’re grateful not to have. Perhaps you’re grateful not to have a disease, enormous debts, or perhaps you’re happy you don’t have a lot of money.

• I'm grateful that I don't have MS, that was a real scare last year.

3. What you want to do today

Quick thoughts about the daily goals you want to accomplish and the plans you’ll need to take to get them done.

• I want to get my grocery shopping done and read some more of my book.
• I'll grocery shop this afternoon after work since dinner is leftover lasagna from the weekend and I'll read some tonight while Bm is in tumbling class

4. What the future holds

Think about what tomorrow, the next month, or even the next five years will bring you.

• I look forward to the changes we're making to the house.
• I'm working on a potted garden and can't wait for more fresh herbs to use in the kitchen.
• I'm looking forward to my 5K on March 6th. I'm proud of the fact that I've DECIDED I don't have to be perfect...participating is a HUGE step.
• I'm excited about graduating with my BA.
• I'm excited about writing and teaching and sharing the true knowledge of authenticity with as many people as I can.
• I'm excited to know I'll be able to see Joan Crawford as just another actress!

5. Think about one of your fears

We all have fears, some are big and some are small. Focus your thoughts on one.

•  I'm afraid that we'll get too far behind in our finances.

6. Think of a way to face that fear

Think of one way in which you can face your fear. Even if it’s something small it’ll bring you one step closer to fear’s face.

•  I actually have faced this fear, head on. I pray about it, out loud, with my hub each night before we fall asleep and I've stopped avoiding the situation. I've taken the steps necessary (especially with our house) and I just 'tell it like it is.' Being honest about where I am, what I'm doing and how I'm doing with whomever will listen helps this fear not seem so big and scary
• Gee...sounds a lot like how I'm dealing with JOAN.

7. One new thing you’d like to do

Think of something new you’d like to try. Do this every day you possibly can, you’ll never have too many goals and dreams.

• I'd like to start a podcast.

8. The things you didn’t accomplish yesterday

Think about the things you wanted to get done yesterday, but didn’t. Then plan on getting them done today.

• I would've liked the laundry folded...but Mondays are my long day, so I don't feel any sense of failure for not having done that.

9. Your greatest qualities

Every day think about the things that make you a great person. It’ll give you confidence and ambition to tackle anything.

• I am smart, I am silly, I am a great listener and an encouraging voice.
• I am fantastic at research and love learning.
• I am a great writer and orater.
• I can find the positive in any situation.
• I am a prayer warrior and a great singer.
• I have strong core values and a personal code of conduct that I apply to my work, family and social life.
• I am a talented, skilled interpreter and a budding counselor.
• I am kind, honest-to-a-fault, and validating.
• ...and I like long walks on the beach and dinners by candlelight (LMAO)

10. What you don’t like about yourself

We each have something we don’t like about ourselves. Perhaps you are too fearful, too quiet, or too arrogant.

• I cannot apply any of the above qualities to MYSELF! (ugh!)

11. How you can change what you don’t like about yourself

Think of some ways you can change. Sometimes it doesn’t take as long as you might think.

• Stop listening to JOAN
• She's the one who tells me I cannot succeed and will always fall back on old habits

12. How you can make someone else’s day a little brighter

Maybe send a friend a card to show you’re thinking of them.  Or even just complementing someone can make their day a little brighter.

• I go out of my way to thank people by name.
• When someone does something well, I tell them, right away.
• I admit and apologize when I am wrong.
• I call or text just to say I love you.
• I make time to listen and I'm not afraid to offer a word of mentoring when it is in order. 
• I smile, I'm silly and I laugh out loud.

13. Your life goals

You won’t be able to think of all of your goals in life because you’ll always be adding more to your list. However, think about your current biggest dreams and goals. You can’t forget what you’re aiming for.

• 
  
  I will live free of JOAN
• 
  
  I'll once again have a successful and integrated yoga practice
• 
  
  I will love my body as much as I love my mind and soul
• 
  
  I will be a successful teacher/writer/speaker
• 
  
  I will travel the continent with my hub in a Minnie Winnie
• 
  
  We'll live in a Yurt in Colorado
• 
  
  I'll travel to france with my Soul Sistah and BFF

14. How yesterday’s problems are today’s motivation

Don’t let the problems of your past prevent you from moving forward. Think of how you can use the problems to motivate yourself to change and resolve.

• Those problems are in the past so obviously I have gotten through them...this means I CAN be successful and see things through to completion! There's nothing I can't tackle!

15. You only have one life

Think about this: you only have one shot at life. So make the most out of every second you have. Reminding yourself of this will help you seize each day.

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Demons in the Break Room

The Devil has arrived
Nutty Bars and Cosmic Brownies
Oh the break room at work has been a den of demons for a while, but little debbie takes the cake

You know what the saddest thing is? THEY'RE NOT EVEN THAT GOOD!

I have succumbed to many a binge in the rectangular box of sickeningly sweet individually wrapped snacks.

I absolutely cannot stand the taste or texture of Oatmeal Cream Pies, but I have eaten 6 in a row.

When I really think about it, a Star Crunch really tastes like what I imagine plastic would taste like

Nutty Bars taste like cardboard soaked in grainy peanut butter and Cosmic Brownies taste like chocolate paste!

But oh have I eaten them

and hidden the evidence

and felt the remorse

and in my latter years...the punishment of the gluten tearing up my body.

Hormones have been raging the past few days but I've been able to keep myself in check

And actually...although my heart raced to see the tiny, brightly colored, hard decorations on the cosmic brownies starting up at me from the snack basket...I was able to walk away from them. (I originally typed 'I didn't want them' but that somehow, somewhere felt like a half truth)

I cannot have these in the house

I know this

My kids haven't complained, I keep other snack options in the house

I haven't felt 'S T R E S S E D' to the point lately that I'd mindlessly rip open the plastic and inhale a nutty bar and I've been great about making sure I bring my own food and snacks...

But to be safe...I'm not taking my breaks in the break room...  it seems as though my body appreciates our office iJoy massage chair MUCH more than a damned little debbie snack cake!

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need.more.food.

That's how I've felt lately
I've not gone outside of my food plan
But I feel like I need to eat more
I haven't been depriving or denying myself when i'm hungry

just a minute ago I had some yogurt with a banana and a tablespoon of roasted peanuts and some cinnamon.
and it was good.
I used almost half of my weekly allowance points over the weekend
some wine on Friday
made some great (gluten free, whole food) dips for my bro's b'day party
and aforementioned banana treat

I don't foresee the rest of this week being bad...Friday night was an anomaly, out with friends
my bro doesn't have a birthday every week ...so things should be good
But I FEEL like I need more food
strike that
I feel like I want more food
I am 2 days away from p-day so hormones ARE a factor
my bronchitis is NOT getting better so the chances of me and the treadmill having quality time this week are about nil...

So I'm loving myself with tea and herbal ointment
I'm getting up in the morning and treating my body to some yoga
some deep, breathing and stretching

I'm not over analyzing my 'need.for.food' feeling
But I am staying aware of it
I know in following my food plan I'm giving myself the nutrients I need, once my food for the day is consumed, I'm done. I'll have to make that intellectual decision, since I think 'body' is going to try to control things these next few days.

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Stages of Change

Recovery
Are you in need of recovery?
Are you ready for your recovery?
Have you overcome your addiction?


I'm not only learning how to deal with my own recovery, but how to understand and love those around me who are on their own journey.
These stages helped me a lot...thought I'd share.
They are specifically written from the perspective of an eating disorder because well...this my eating disorder blog, But...they can be applied to any addiction.

Pre-contemplation

• You don't believe there is a problem (with the way you eat or diet, eating behaviors, body size, weight or the way you have attempted to change in thses areas.
• "I'm only here because someone else (my physician, friend, family member) thinks I have a problem."

Contemplation

• You begin to accept the possibility that there might be a problem with how you eat/diet/attempt to manage your weight.
• "I may have a problem, but I'm not sure I can, or want, to change."

Preparation

• You start to get ready to make changes, considering the pros and cons of the problem. You look for support from others to help you through this process.
• "I'm planning to do something about my problem really soon. I've started to explore and discuss what to do."
• This may include asking others what has worked for them, researching healthy options, registering and attending workshops or groups, making inquiries

Action

• You take active steps toward changing behaviors and thoughts that support the problem.
• "I have been actively trying to do things to recover from my problem."
• You're following a healthy food plan, incorporating movement into your life and are present in your personal recovery program.

Maintenance

• You have made changes but continue to be aware of the problem
• "I have made changes to solve my problem, but need to maintain these changes actively.

The 'maintenance' phase is where I have failed miserably in the past. Actually, my support system failed too...through the Action stage and plummeted in the maintenance phase. I think too, I failed in the past because I have never attacked both sides of the problem at the same time. I have done lots of different things to change the shape and size of my body, but have never fully incorporated how I mentally felt about those changes, or the reasons I wanted (or even needed) them in the first place.

What stage are you in?

Well I was tripping down the street early this morning...

Sorta funny to me that my title is the first line of my 'theme song' from yesterday's post because I 'tripped' all the way into the gym this morning.

It's been hard to go to the gym every day this week.
This morning was no better. As if having Bronchitis last week wasn't bad enough, I think I'm getting a head cold so when the alarm went off at 6am, I really just wanted to go back to sleep!
2 squirts of nasonex per nostril, 2 puffs from my inhaler, laced up the shoes and out the door.

Driving to the gym I was NOT motivated...but I WAS still driving to.the.gym.

Parked and grabbing my iPod and headphones...BLAST! My headphone cord is wrapped up in a strap from my mini purse...where are the scissors. (In hindsight I'm glad there were no scissors because I would've been miffed if I had cut the strap!)
'Oh forget it! I'll just listen to the music in the gym and walk instead of interval train today'
No..try again

(inhale/exhale) Success, cord unwrapped...now where the heck did my iPod go? It was RIGHT here in my lap. You're NOT gonna win obstacle fairies...I'm GOING into the gym!
*doors open, frantically searching for iPod* Turns out it's in the console, right where I put it the first time I gave up on my headphones...
In the gym, stretching and feeling my itchy eyes and scratchy throat creeping up on me...

At this point I decide to do the best I can with my intervals...maybe walk/speed walk rather than pushing myself to run...I'll run if I can, but it's not the end of the world if I don't....just finish the 30 minutes

What a concept
Just finish

14:17 minutes into my session and "attention gym members, there is a my color/my car in the parking lot with it's lights on.
OH GAWD are you kidding me?
What EV. I'm finishing my 30 minutes and if it dies the hub will just have to come get me
I'll be late to work but I'm finishing my session.

So I did the 30 minutes, intervals of walk/speed walk...and I ran some
Covered the same distance (just about) then went home.

Yeah...covered the same distance
And I was happy with that

HUH WHA? I totally figured I would be miffed that my running efforts seem to be for naught because I can WALK the same dang distance.

So I've come to the realization that the idea of RUNNING (okay who am I kidding, Jogging) my first 5K doesn't have to be the goal. Just finish!

And I'm okay with this

In fact I'm really comfortable with this

It doesn't mean I'm going to totally slack the training

But I don't have to go balls to the wall to be the best right out of the gate

WHOAAAAAA what who are you and what have you done to my brain?

I ALWAYS have to be the best right out of the gate.

No, that's not me...that's JOAN, not Babs

and I'm still Takin care of Babsness.

and totally looking forward to my race.

And it turns out...it wasn't my car afterall!
:)

photo credit

Another day of process

Yes, I ran yesterday!
You can read about how I almost puked here...I'll save you the details if you're not interested :)
I feel pretty good about completing the run since it was just the 1st day of the week, should make the rest of the week go by easier.

I packed my gym bag again today. Changing at work and going directly to the gym is the ONLY way I'll go in the afternoon, and since I've had to be to work by 8 the past few days...morning work outs are NOT happening.

In other news, hub pointed out that it looks like my fuse is about an inch away from my head...guess I've been testy.
But ... Boobs=Sore
so the hormones are happening

Have not had any candy from the break room
Have stayed within my food plan for the week
Have nourished my body with gluten free foods
Have been honest with my feelings this week (out loud)
Good on ya! (that was to me)

My homework from therapy is to start a story...
actually, I have to create a character, a heroine
and I'm the heroine

My session was last Friday, I haven't started yet

photo credit LOVE this pic funny!

One year commitments

If you follow my other, not so personally intense or exposing blog, you'll know that I have decided not to drastically cut my hair until October 31, 2010. Yes, I'll get a trim from time to time...but I'm growing it long, it is sorta long already but I'm going for more...and it's AWKWARD right now. I'll never really know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll if I keep taking a bite!
(sorry ran with the random similar metaphor and I won't go into how it's an EATING metaphor...)

I'm considering straightening my hair to get through the awkward phase...I LOVE it straight so it would be a way to reward myself without food, but the crunchy side of me is having a REAL hard time with the idea of having formaldehyde on my head.

Anyway...I digress

I've set another 1 year habit creation.
I'm not checking my weight again until January 25, 2011
I may step on a scale, at the doctor's office or for some reason like that, but I will not look and I will request the information not be shared.
This way, I'll find NEW ways to measure my healing journey...and the scale won't wreck or derail me.
My recent experience showed me that I hang a lot on numbers. Rather than being satisfied, and even proud with the fact that I had nourished my body in a healthy way, OR that I had actually lost 2 pounds, I wondered why I didn't lose 5. Why should losing matter at all... did you read that? I fed myself in a nourishing way, I honored my gluten intolerance, I found glory in the scrubbing and chopping of vegetables and pride in the meals I created for my family. Which...by the way...they devoured with joy.

A good way for me to remember to work on a NEW habit...is to remember that I'm working on breaking an old one. So I'm not stepping on the scale because I'm teaching myself to find enjoy my healing journey in other ways.

And for the record...I haven't eaten from the candy jar at work in a while either.
It's been whispering to me this week. I've been telling it "no." (in my head)
I'm gonna start saying it outloud!

Have a great week!

photo credit