STOP

Yesterday it was this....

This morning it's these...

Nearest I can figure I'm popping sugar to get rid of this headache...gotta love a menstrual migraine coz NOTHING gets rid of them

Did you read that Babs? Nothing, not even the sugar so STOP!

There, that should help

It's been months since I let the breakroom woo me

I still have a headache but I'll deal

better than having a headache AND a guiltache!

Joan has been awkwardly silent lately...

that fix

Do you remember the scene in pay it forward where Helen Hunt's character tears the house apart frantically searching for ONE remaining drop of alcohol in her house
and she finds it
in the kitchen light fixture
and she drinks it
and everything feels right with the world for a second
but then it's not

yeah...
I know that feeling
it came in the form of a spicy chicken melt from checkers
some fries
and a hot apple pie that burned the roof of my mouth

She didn't care that she'd get sick
for that second she didn't care that she might fall off the step stool and break her neck looking... reaching for a drop of vodka

but for just that second
after that, she cared

i don't know why
i only know what was going on
i wasnt finished with my paper for class
(although I am now)
and my presentation is about what I want to be when I'm done with my education
it's all about me

ugh
I'll be sick tomorrow
I'll log too many calories today
and I'll restart my counter when I get home from school

I hate that "fix" feeling
I hate it and I love it all at the same time
GAH!

Verbal Vomit

I don't know why I started eating but I did notice I started
had some left over pork fried rice when I got home from work and a cheese stick
that wasn't too bad...logged it...all good
It's gonna be around 8 or so before dinner with all the household extracurriculars and I had a bowl of soup for lunch.
Then I got munchy
so I had 4 graham crackers with some home made strawberry jam
then I got out the peanut butter
then I ate the rest of the jam
yup
right out of the jar
now mind you, there was maybe 1/4 cup of jam left but really? right out of the frickin jar?
then I had some roasted peanuts
probably about a cup full in all
ugh
and you know what
my brain wanted more
I stopped because my daughter had to head off to tumbling
we got there and found out it was cancelled tonight which is a good thing because I really couldve been at risk for dropping her off and hitting the 7-11 for some fritos or some other gloriously awful binge type food
WHY?
I'm soothing
but WHAT?
It hasn't been a bad day...in fact, it's been an awesome day
I figured out a catchy brand for my podcast/blog and started brainstorming the episode schedule
I had lots of good laughs with my BFF
Works was good
I felt a little teary watching something funny on TV (I don't get that...tears at funny?)
I'm not premenstrual or menstrual...that was last week
so WHY?

JOAN is being oddly quiet

Since I'm just thinking out loud here I'm gonna run with the idea that maybe it's because I'm excited about my podcast/blog idea
I want to travel
I want to write
I want to teach/lecture/counsel
and I thought of a real deal brand/concept that encompasses everything I want to travel/write/teach/lecture/counsel about
I feel excited about it
I feel like it's something I can do and be good at
I feel like it could really make a difference in the world...or at least my little sphere of influence

But you'll never do it
you get these ideas and then they just sit there, on a shelf
who will hire you
how much will you charge
how will you ever make money at this
who will even listen to you
hell only 4 people read your blog

Ahhh...there she is
sigh

I stopped eating
I told my daughter
I told the blogosphere...all 4 of you
I restarted my counter
and I'm staying true to myself
Authentic
I am what I am and that's all I can be

Demons in the Break Room

The Devil has arrived
Nutty Bars and Cosmic Brownies
Oh the break room at work has been a den of demons for a while, but little debbie takes the cake

You know what the saddest thing is? THEY'RE NOT EVEN THAT GOOD!

I have succumbed to many a binge in the rectangular box of sickeningly sweet individually wrapped snacks.

I absolutely cannot stand the taste or texture of Oatmeal Cream Pies, but I have eaten 6 in a row.

When I really think about it, a Star Crunch really tastes like what I imagine plastic would taste like

Nutty Bars taste like cardboard soaked in grainy peanut butter and Cosmic Brownies taste like chocolate paste!

But oh have I eaten them

and hidden the evidence

and felt the remorse

and in my latter years...the punishment of the gluten tearing up my body.

Hormones have been raging the past few days but I've been able to keep myself in check

And actually...although my heart raced to see the tiny, brightly colored, hard decorations on the cosmic brownies starting up at me from the snack basket...I was able to walk away from them. (I originally typed 'I didn't want them' but that somehow, somewhere felt like a half truth)

I cannot have these in the house

I know this

My kids haven't complained, I keep other snack options in the house

I haven't felt 'S T R E S S E D' to the point lately that I'd mindlessly rip open the plastic and inhale a nutty bar and I've been great about making sure I bring my own food and snacks...

But to be safe...I'm not taking my breaks in the break room...  it seems as though my body appreciates our office iJoy massage chair MUCH more than a damned little debbie snack cake!

photo credit 1

photo credit 2

SLOSHED

It would be so much easier if I was an alcoholic...or even a drug user
for some reason it seems more acceptable to me to say I hit the bar tonight during happy hour and had 4 long island iced teas in an hour and a half

Or that I went to a killer party this weekend and shared a knot

but I don't do that
what I do is the same
it's as destructive
and completely over the top

but it's food
and for some reason that makes me feel like the dreggs of society
the worst of the worst
i mean it's food...just stop
how can you be SO gross

Drugs and alcohol are so socially acceptable
but eating is not...just ask Kirstie Allie
she's on the cover of one of those grocery store tabloids looking bigger than ever
I saw her when I purchased my chocoloate chip yo yo cookie sandwich
don't know what that is
it's 2 chocolate chip cookies dipped like a brown and white cookie, with disgustingly sweet cream filling between them like a sandwich

I ate the whole thing
AFTER I ate a #6 meal from taco bell

WHY
WHY
WHY?!?!?
JOAN's revenge?
because I have a meeting tonight at work that has turned into a potluck full of things I can't eat (pshaw right...did you read what I just ate...trust me it wuddn't gluten free)
because of the shit with my dad's truck
because I got "caught being good" at work
because because because?

I was sooo afraid when i thought about blogging this...more people, closer people, even my hub read my blog now
but i'm typing anyway..JOAN is sitting on my desk swinging her leg, inspecting her nails waiting for me to 'stop this foolishness'

I had no voice
my brain wanted to call someone and say "PLEASE HELP I"M ABOUT TO EAT"
but I couldn't
my fingers wouldn't let me
and my mind wouldn't stop me from going through the checkout
and eating, rather than just throwing it all away even though I already bought it

I feel so gross
I feel dizzy
I can't concentrate
it's like a bad buzz or morning after hangover
and I don't like it

I'm afraid of the comments
but more afraid of staying like this forever
so I'm blogging
eventually I'll find my voice
and someday, I won't get sloshed anymore

I love myself...and someday soon I'll know how to show myself that love
it starts by hitting "publish post"

photo credit

it's not nice to brag

630

500

330

270

630

280

_____

$12.79

consumed by me

in about 30 minutes

in the car on the way home from tampa

it was money

it was calories

it was gluten

it was murder

of what...something good for me?

something to be proud of? something that I'm good at?

the hand to mouth motion was mechanical

almost like i was trying to stop words before they could come out and shove them so far deep inside they didn't dare try to come out again

you shouldn't be proud of yourself

it's important to be humble

no one likes a show off

I don't know exactly where these words came from because I'm not sure I ever really heard them...that makes sense though so much communication happened in another language so perhaps these are just my interpretations which is why the words don't make sense

but when i was conversing with my 11 year old self...this is what she kept saying while we kept eating

it's sort of like watching your young child play with dolls...it lets you know what kind of parent you are when you see them playing parent

she was only telling me what she knows

there are obviously some deep emotional ties to my food and my mom because whenever my counselor (I'll stop referring to her as the young one) touches on that spot...I physically feel it

there are so many things I can't tell her (my mom that is)

which is funny because there are so many thigs I do tell her...even that she doesn't want to hear

I'm not afraid to disagree with her anymore

I tell her how it is

she deals with my tats and etc

but when it comes to how she mothered...i clam up

lil b and I had an exchange in front of my mom yesterday

it was about talking with words vs talking with faces

lil b called me out and said "you talk with your face too" which I readily admitted and playfully said "it's her fault" in my mom's direction

she got defensive

explanied that she uses both her words and her face and the subject was over

my little physical spot shirked away

there was untruth to that statement 

it definitely wasn't the right time to broach it 

but I honestly don't know that I ever really can

Mom wasn't (isnt) a bad mom

all moms do the best they can with what they had and my parents were just being the parents they knew how to be based on the culture, their exposure and what was parenting vogue at the time

we're much different parents

well we're a different culture and a different time so of course we're different

we can't blame them for not being cutting edge and saving us from the crap we deal with now

heck if we didn't have the crap would we be cutting edge

would we be different parents?

no because look how many of our peers are just like their parents were and have no desire to change

so there's purpose 

and I'm glad because I enjoy the parenting process and growing and learning with my kids...

but there's still this physical stuff inside of me that is tied hard to emotional stuff and it's all tied to the parenting thing and more specifically to my mom and I don't see what good it will do to drag my mom into therapy and tell her all the ways she screwed me up 

but it was so real

first some fries

then the cheesy tots but they were too hot so I had some sips of shake while they cooled

then the cheeseburger

got a cool star trek toy but not the one I wanted

then the fish sandwich

then the rest of the fries

yeah, i finished the cheesy tots before 

didn't finish the fries

but nursed the rest of the shake

even the disgustingly sweet oreo crunches that stuck to the bottom of the cup

even made myself slow down so I could taste everything

but I don't remember how it tasted

except for the hot and the sweet

there was something about the food actually being in my mouth

and the crunching

and the warmth

and the shame

crunching everything I could into the smaller of the 2 bags

then stopping in a parking lot searching for a garbage can

to rid myself of the evidence

i'm so sad inside today

good things are happening in my life and i'm sad

i had a great interview yesterday and am so excited at new prospects

but i ate myself into a stupor (it wasnt celebratory) and i'm sad

i feel defeated

i feel FAT omg you just don't know

last night i wore baggy pants and my husband's t shirt

ugh

I love my 11 year old

my real one and my old one

and together they're gonna help me through this

B-I-N GE, B-I-N GE, B-I-N GE

the feeling overtakes me

I felt it coming on this morning

I really wanted some peanut butter patties (Girl Scout Cookies)

Actually, I really wanted an entire box of cookies...I could ramble on about how that's not very many since the quantity has been reduced to only 16 cookies per box but REALLY...

I would've eaten an entire box if given the opportunity

Angelic Adversaries got in the way, I ate one...which is good since they are gluten laden...

But the B-I-N-GE song played on in my head.

I have a sinus headache from hell

I didn't really eat a lunch (now that I think about it, I don't think I ate breakfast either...I was focused on aforementioned cookies and time got away from me while I was plotting)

I visited the dog again tonight and gave him a good rub down and then headed home...I was supposed to have class tonight but my stuffed up head feels like a balloon that has reached it's inflation limit so I took my "gimmie" and took a sick day. So that means there's nothing planned for dinner...well there were plans, but not ones that included me. I had left nuggets and tots for the hub and the wee...they like em, I can't eat em, they're easy to make so they're great for "mom's got school" nights.

I haven't grocery shopped yet this week either because we really do have plenty to choose from

well...if you can eat anything in the cabinets or don't mind the preparation time...neither of those apply to me.

So I had a bag (not a mini bag and not a full size bag...i think they're called "big grabs" or something like that) of Carmel covered corn-type chip things...no gluten so I won't be physically suffering that way...but oh the other ways

and you know, after the 3rd or 4th handful

I didn't even taste them anymore

I even said, outloud in my car, I can't even taste these...as I kept munching

Instead, I listened to the crunching sound

I must find a certain amount of pleasure in that sound because it provided impetus to keep eating.

There is so much to the act of eating

all of the senses are involved and then some.

I'm sure there's something in the "success" of the whole thing

I had the bag eaten and tucked away in the trash bag before I made it home....even had the remnants out of my teeth

My GAWD how pathetic does that sound?

Oh Oh Oh...and the piece of paper listing the 4 counselors I'm supposed to screen by phone, choose one and make an appointment with...the paper is gone

cannot find it

cannot remember where I put it

THOUGHT i remembered where I had it last but it is not there

Yes...it sounds like yet another excuse and somewhere some little Id gremlin is dancing a victory dance

I finally stopped looking...because I don't really ever do anything on my own anyway and said "God, You know where it is, just show me okay?"

So it'll show up...or I can try the EAP line again and hope the lady I spoke with the other day made notes in some sort of computer file attached to my name

Or I can just go to the chick who has a website

yeah she's younger than me but

she has a cool philosophy

she's in great shape (that's gotta mean something when you're tackling and eating disorder)

and I know how to find her

So here it is, another day has gone by

Less has gotten done

Did i mention I HATE Prozac (that should be a post all to itself)

I managed to mindlessly eat and treat myself as insignificant

Man, I sure hope I don't pass this on to my kid

I want a personal life assistant

one who makes sure all my calls get made

all my bills get paid

all the laundry gets folded

the floor gets swept

but more importantly that there is always something in the house that I CAN eat that is nourishing and that I DO eat when I'm supposed to...

Yeah, we can all dream

I swear, I'd kill for a grilled cheese sandwich right now

and that's not a bad thing

except we don't have any gluten free bread

which is probably why I want the thing

oy

chicken fingers and onion rings

that is dinner
now
with a side of blue cheese
and I'm shoveling because well...
because I thought i was in a hurry to get to my assignment but really
i'm shoveling so my team doesn't see what I'm eating
and this is a double whammy coz the breading is gonna make me miserable tomorrow
and we have a wedding to go to
and I've wanted to cry all day

and oh, did I mention,
they ITD'd my dog
they have an Intention to Destroy him
go figure
we were told that wasn't even an option
so now we have a hearing set for 2 weeks from now
and the dog is already confused and lonely
so of course he's not being nice
and chicken fingers and onion rings haven't helped
i don't even remember what they tasted like
and I waited an uberlong time to order them
that was my conscious saying...you don't want those
but did i listen
NOOOOOOOO
i just got a crumb on the keyboard