Rehab?

That's my title
because I equate my food issues with being a Junkie
I've always eaten when no one is around
I've always "covered my tracks" by burying my trash or eating at dinner even though I was still reeling and sick from a binge
I'd not even taste the bite I just put in my mouth because I was focused on the next one so I could finish before I got caught
Know what's weird
I'd do that even when I was single and had no chance of getting caught
So there's a foreboding sense of guilt

What if I had to live everything out loud
what if I had to go through a binge in front of my husband?
Why is it okay to get fall down drunk in front of friends but not fall down full(well it's not really, but more culturally accepted definitely)

I am not well
I have an addiction
I have an addiction to something I can't avoid
You can dump the bottle down the sink but eventually you have to take a bite

This all sounds a bit pathetic to me because intellectually I just wanna say "Oh just Stop It and Suck it Up ... Move ON!" You know better than this, no you can't have _____ fill in the blank with whatever it is you're wanting. Just like I tell my kids. You had one earlier, that's enough for today.

Am I brave enough to just say I have a problem
no, not just a problem fitting into my jeans
a real problem and I need help
maybe this problem that I've been hiding behind all the other likeable things about me is finally fed up and pushing its way out of me through the pain and fatigue and general discomfort I've been feeling lately
And if I am brave enough, then what
How many other blogs could you find today where someone is silently screaming the same thing...or someone screamed the same thing, found someone to help, then realized later it didn't really help at all...I DO still have the size 6 jeans in my drawer after all...and that was only a few years ago. Hell, I even taught OTHER people how to lose weight...no wonder I feel like a hypocrite.

Are you a food addict?
To answer this question, ask yourself the following questions and answer them as honestly as you can.

1 Have you ever wanted to stop eating and found you just couldn't?
2 Do you think about food or your weight constantly?
3 Do you find yourself attempting one diet or food plan after another, with no lasting success?
4 Do you binge and then "get rid of the binge" through vomiting, exercise, laxatives, or other forms of purging?
5 Do you eat differently in private than you do in front of other people?
6 Has a doctor or family member ever approached you with concern about your eating habits or weight?
7 Do you eat large quantities of food at one time (binge)?
8 Is your weight problem due to your "nibbling" all day long?
9 Do you eat to escape from your feelings?
10 Do you eat when you're not hungry?
11 Have you ever discarded food, only to retrieve and eat it later?
12 Do you eat in secret?
13 Do you fast or severely restrict your food intake?
14 Have you ever stolen other people's food?
15 Have you ever hidden food to make sure you have "enough?"
16 Do you feel driven to exercise excessively to control your weight?
17 Do you obsessively calculate the calories you've burned against the calories you've eaten?
18 Do you frequently feel guilty or ashamed about what you've eaten?
19 Are you waiting for your life to begin "when you lose the weight?"
20 Do you feel hopeless about your relationship with food?


Okay this got angry and self defeating but I'm sure theres some revelation in there too but now I have to go clean off my desk because I said I would and I've been putting it off for a while

putting things off...something I need to stop doing
doing what I say I will...something I need to continue doing