I started feeling sensory overload...
my skin...everything itched or tingled
my eyes...everything was too bright, the tv, the sun, the glare off the picture
my ears...everything was too loud, the tv, the a/c, the crinkling of the Popsicle wrapper, the sound of the dog breathng
And everything was getting my last nerve. The ladder and compressor in the living room. The sleeping bag that has been sitting by the door for way too many days. The paper "crap" that covers the end table, the dog hair on the floor the dust bunnies in the corners, the clothes that are not folded and the things that just effin need to be put away
my little devil walked over to the other shoulder and drop kicked my little angel into next week and the first person who said something to me was gonna get it. SHIT I was getting to the point where no one needed to say a word, I was ready to share more than one piece of what was on my mind with one person whether they wanted to hear it or not.
I totally feel it when it rises up on me...I'm starting to notice that my physical twitches are the warning sign, which is good...for those closest to me and to myself...not so much for the weeds in the garden
So I slammed around on the porch for a while because I'm tired of it being a handyman staging area
I swept and de-cobwebbed, organized the tools and threw out the crap, pruned the dead or dying leaves and brushed off the furniture.
When I have no control over how I feel or FEEL like I have no control over what might come out of my mouth, I have to take control of something. I took control over the weeds in the garden and of my tongue. The strawberries never made it this year, and once I noticed that, I just let the grass take over again...I took it back and with each pull, I reminded myself that the words that I was feeling in my head were not really ones I would say (I wonder if this is what Tourrete's feels like) and even if they were (because some of the thoughts were valid) The WAYS in which I was wanting to say them were definitely not ways I would've said them.
I had to remind myself that I was not feeling myself
In every sense of the word,
not feeling right in my own skin
not feeling emotionally like myself
and not understanding where any of it was coming from
I remember these feelings coming on me like waves in the past
Carrying me for days
weeks
months
and crying because I didn't understand
It was my hub who noticed
he came outside and waited for me to notice him
he said "Babe, do you think you ate something"
A light
omygodyoureright
this is exactly how i used to feel
he said "we haven't been very careful these past couple of days"
burgerkingeventhoughiwatchedthempreparemyfood
yup
this is exactly how i used to feel
I kept on yanking grass from what used to be my strawberry patch
I had decided I was going to do that until I felt enough control over my mouth
So many great things have happened communication-wise in our house and I wasn't going to screw it up
When I came back in I told my kids that my nice filter is not engaged
if I say something out of turn or out of tone, call me out and know now that I don't mean it (but I'm not using that as an excuse).
I don't want them to tiptoe around me
but they do need to know that I won't be as nice if it's the 2nd day in a row I've asked them to put away their cup or pick their socks up off the floor
I hate not feeling like myself
like I'm outside of myself or worse yet, that I'm STUCK inside of myself
I wonder if this is me readying my self to transform...readying to be more spirit and less human
For now, I'm still fully engaged in this human experience
and I want my filters back
