7/24/10

Class of 1990

Today is the day
20 year High School Reunion
and oh boy have voices started....

I've decided to go all retro
(I mean, gotta do something with the tats so why not be a pin-up)
I borrowed a dress from a friend
and visited a buddy at his home salon with pictures of Ms. Von Teese in hand.
They (those damn voices) got louder with every spritz of hair spray

They started this morning in the shower while I was shaving
Did you even like High School
Will you even know anybody there
Why are you even going to this thing

I didn't have any good answers
On the way home I was worried my hair looked stupid and thought I might wash it out...

Bm then asked me (she went with me to get my hair done)
"Mom, how long has it been since you've seen any of these people?
"20 years" I said

"How long before you'll see any of em again?"
"Probably 20 years..."

"Right, so who cares what they think!"
(DANG she DOES listen when I teach her self-esteem lessons)

I still felt weird when I got home
My hub said "you look Cute" (and it was a good cute not a bad cute)
Still felt a little weird
My belongingness grudg-y demon is moshing in my stomach

So then...I went and tried on the outfit I had planned (because I already thought of a dozen reasons NOT to wear it and was freaking out about replacement ideas

I put on the dress
slipped on my pumps
found my pearl choker necklace and matching drop earings
and voila
The hair didn't look so funny
and the sparkle was back in my eye

Shut up voices
Babs is going out tonight
yes...I still feel a little weird
but dammit if I won't look hot :)

7/21/10

Results not typical...

I used to be a healthy weight.
I successfully navigated my way through a national program to a healthy goal weight.
I went to work for said program...even applied to the upper administrative levels...

Why is today different?
Why did it work then (nearly 6 years ago) but not now?

My hub asked that this morning...why was it "easier" then?
What was different ...what made the weight come off?

I've thought about this myself a lot lately...especialy given the uncovering of my 'belongingness' triggers.

Well...I had just met him and felt utterly 'belong-ed'
I was working a job with a boss who thought my ideas were the very stars in the sky
I was working with ALL of my creativity...directing music, creating programs, directing musical theater
It did take me nearly 2 years to drop 35 lbs...so it wasn't "easy"
I still binged...albeit on a 2lb bag of carrots not a value menu at a drive through

But now it seems on weeks I follow a healthy plan
I weigh XXX
On weeks I kick the plan to the wind
I weigh XXX
yup
same
FRUSTRATING

Why is today different
BAH!

Whoaaaaa Trigger

Roy Rogers and his horse Trigger
This week has been full of em...Triggers that is.
I started EMDR last week. I think it's going to be a good tool in my recovery. The first session was mostly work setting a base line and finding my most CORE issue...you know, the Grudge-y one.
Turns out my worst one, that clawing, freaky grey-colored skin with dark eyes and dark haired one is a sense of belonging.
I don't belong.
Just typing that makes it hard to breathe.
This trigger is definitely an 8 or 9 on the SUDS scale.

While we were talking, I also noticed the "I should've/shouldn't have done/said" something reference being a pretty strong trigger.
Last week I offered some unsolicited advice to a co-worker. I thought about it before hand, approached the person cautiously and asked permission prior...and was well received...
But I still had a hard time fighting the urge to binge.
Worse yet, at each milestone of beating the binge (read: each drive-through I did NOT go through), the ugly feeling became stronger and the thoughts of failure more ominous.
THAT was very frustrating
Beating my demons is supposed to be empowering dammit!
By the time I got home I felt so small...and I didn't even eat! *sigh*

Last night I challenged a grade I received on a writing assignment.
I felt my points were valid. I worded my challenge respectfully. I felt as though my questions deserved an answer.

But after I hit send (it was a response to an email), I felt doom and gloom.
"You should't have said that."
"You don't have the right to question authority"

I ate
I didn't binge
but I did treat myself to some graham crackers with pb and jelly that I wasn't really hungry for
so I soothed with food

This morning I woke up and felt like it COULD be a binge day.
I talked with my hub about it.
We shared similar stories.
It made me feel good to know he understands.

I got a response from my professor today.
We agree to disagree...
...but I did get a higher grade ;)

I'm glad I said something.
A friend of mine said,
"Wow, I'm proud of you for saying something. I would've just taken the lower grade then complained about the teacher."
This is true.
I am glad that I acted from my belief "better to ask and know then say nothing and always wonder."

I'm not sure how I feel about the end result.
Don't read that wrong...I'm very glad the outcome of my challenge was a re-evaluation of my grade.
I still don't know what to do with my feelings about "challenging authority."
Those still loom.
I still don't know what to do with my feelings about "winning" the challenge.
Those loom even larger.

So I write them down...
I'll bring them to therapy...
I will not eat them.

But if I do, I'll at least understand why.

xxoo

7/7/10

Love, it's contagious

This week I'm in the City of Brotherly Love working a conference.
This is a pretty big deal for me because
  1. This is a pretty big conference
  2. The team I'm working with includes some "big guns"
  3. I have a tendency to devalue my work
  4. I have NONE of my support system here in Philly
In looking back over the week that lead up to my departure flight I note some very calculated choices I made (consciously or otherwise) that PROVE that somewhere inside myself...I love and care about ME.

If you've been following for a while, you know that Proud always cometh before a Binge.
I was selected, from how ever many submissions, to be on the team working this conference. Someone believed I 'bring the goods' well enough to add me to this illustrious list of interpreters. *gulp*
Presenters at this event are BIG names within the community and I am putting voice to their words *gulp*
Yesterday, I was on the team assigned to the business meeting...you know, officers, board members, delegates...and I DID WELL. Actually, to coin a phrase my daughter used, I'm pretty sure I 'knocked it out 'da park!' *double gulp*

In packing my bag for this trip I included my yoga mat and one of my yoga DVD's. It's Wednesday and I haven't gotten a full practice session in but I brought them, because I knew I'd need them, and seeing my mat inviting me to partake in a sun salutation in the middle of the day makes me feel supported.

I also packed my nail kit with a fun color for my toes and a professional color for my fingers.
I haven't painted them yet, but seeing my kit on the bathroom counter reminds me I have a way, should I need it, to reward myself for a job well done that does NOT include food.

I'm staying across the street from what has to be one of the world's most fantastic markets so I have access to fresh food and many gluten free offerings at any time and I've treated myself to fresh carrot/beet/celery juice every day I've been here.

I don't feel deprived, I've (for the most part) stopped questioning "Why am I here" and feel good about the rest of the week!

See, there is something to this LOVE stuff afterall :) I've come a long way from just hitting 'publish post.'

7/2/10

How do those fit together?

Last night in group the good one asked what turned out to be a very poignant question, "You (meaning me) said you don't have to be everything to everyone, AND that you are accepting that you're enough just as you are. How do those fit together? Or do they?"

And the DIDN'T
Joan believes that I must be everything to everyone.
Babs used to believe that too.
Somewhere inside, sometimes, when I'm low on the Babsness scale...those thoughts creep in...
But more often than not these days, I spend more time trying to be ME than trying to be EVERYTHING. It's quite liberating :)

But she asked that question
How do those fit together?
And I felt it...literally clawing inside of me
crawling up and into my chest and hanging onto my clavicle bones for dear life
It was creepy
Like something out of the movie The Grudge (no I didn't see it but the trailer scarred me enough for a lifetime).

I have an individual session today
I imagine there will be some clawing.
I wore very comfy clothes and very little eye make up
Inhale....Exhale...Repeat