waiting to exhale

just hit send
email to my mom
she won't be happy
she'll force me to talk to her
it will be uncomfortable
i may or may not
but i hit send

If it's not one thing, it's my mother

I have to say something to my mother
I'm angry and I don't care that I'm angry
Mom says one thing to my face, and another to everyone else and I hate that. I've always hated that no matter who has done it.
This time she said something ABOUT my daughter
and my daughter knows that she did it
and I couldn't even look at her yesterday
gee I must be pissed because these short phrases are starting to get annoying but I can't seem to string together more words with any sense of coherence or grammatical structure (never mind correctness which probably isn't even a word)

BIG BREATH IN
BIG BREATH OUT

Last night was the first twinge I got that JOAN really could be my mother in disguise
Last night was the first time ever that I explained to my sister (from whom I'm sorta estranged) that I am in individual and group therapy for an eating disorder
Mom didn't really say anything...but she pooh-poohed the whole notion with everything but her words
My sister got it, was very surprised to hear...but she got it and hugged me for being so brave to go through it and work on it.

I feel yucky inside
Like I want her to just go away
very much how I feel about JOAN

Mom, you need to know that Bm was quite upset to hear that you lied to her about whether or not you liked her hair. You see, she doesn't care whether you like it or not, she likes it. She understands that not everyone 'gets' her fashion sense or style. What she doesn't understand is why her own grandmother would lie to her about how beautiful she was with her new 'do. Or why she had to hear from a man she'd never met before that her grandmother really doesn't like it and has been talking about it. Don't you see that now she won't believe you when you tell her she's beautiful

photo credit

Don't you know this is why I don't feel special
I'm not a smart cookie and I'm not "so special"
You said these things to me over and over again to make me believe them
but somehow early on I knew they weren't true
I still don't think they're true
I can never be smart enough and I can't be proud of myself without sabotaging my very being and happiness in the same breath.

You are not allowed to tell me what a great mother you think I am and the berate my kids behind my back
You are not allowed to tell me what a wonderful man I married and then tell others you don't think our marriage will last
Please do not say how beautiful you think my home is
Do not tell me you think I look thin
Do not compliment my eyes and search for hugs and kisses
I do not know you
I do not know what is true
Do not feign that you care about my father as you inquire about his well being
Do not
Do not
Do not

My body cringed and went numb when you sought hugs yesterday
My mind fought to focus hard on the newest addition to our family yesterday and strained to avoid your gaze
I did not want to be around you
I did not want to talk to you
I wanted to tell you off
I think I just might

I usually feel better after I blog
today I do not
this is yucky
:-(

That's so stupid...

***Warning, photos in this post may be disturbing to some***

I was hit with a wall of emotions this morning.
I'm finishing up my BA in Social Services (psych and soc) and there is a required lab component to my Biology class. The lab consists of dissecting a fetal pig.
About a week or two ago I realized I might have a problem with that...not because it's gross, or I don't like to get my fingers dirty...but a real problem...philosophically.
My BFF asked why I didn't try the 'conscientious objector' route...so I did.
I would be given an alternate assignment on the day of lab.

I thought this was a fair trade. I was willing to just take the hit to my grade for not completing the lab component (thus saving my Saturday), but that was not an option presented (even though I offered) so I was in a HS Biology lab room at 9:00 this morning.
It smelled like I remember HS Biology smelling.

photo credit*

I made eye contact with the professor, he acknowledged that he knew I would be completing an alternate assignment and I took a seat.




They were packaged in vacuum seal bags.
The baby pigs.
That or sloshing around in a formaldehyde solution in a 5 gallon bucket.
I started to feel a bit anxious.

photo credit

The professor placed one pig per dissection tray around the room and classmates started joking nervously (to quell their own discomfort I'm sure) about which were boys, which were girls and whether or not they squealed when they died.
At that point, I had to leave because I just couldn't breathe.


I went for a walk down the hall, found a bathroom and let out a good sigh and several tears.
That's when JOAN started. Who knew she had opinions about this too?

You know you're just being silly about this...

This is just so stupid...

They're all laughing at you, you know...

This is nothing to cry over and you are overreacting...

How could you feel this way if you didn't even know it bothered you until last week, I mean really?!

Just suck it up.

I wanted to leave.
I wanted to pack up my book bag, politely excuse myself, get in my car and cry all the way home.
I felt like I had swallowed my heart and it was stuck in my throat and my stomach was just churning.

As groups were assigned lab tables, my tears leaked a little and my voice cracked, a classmate suggested I go  wait in the hall for the professor to give me my assignment and she followed me out not long after.
She asked if she could give me a hug (I'm not usually the 'huggy' type with strangers) and as she put her arms around me I cried.

I feel like I'm being stupid
You're not being stupid this is how you feel
I'm in recovery from a life long eating disorder and I'm only just starting to 'feel' feelings.
Well no wonder this is so overwhelming

And the conversation went on from there
Turns out this classmate is recovering from some demons of her own past and although I might've liked it better if the Universe didn't decide to bring us together for our catharsis over pigs...I can at least find some understanding of why I was where I was at the time I was there...sigh

I got over the "I have to get out of here NOW" feeling, went into an adjacent classroom and waited for my alternate assignment. I looked at slides

paramecium photo credit

Amoeba photo credit

photo credit

Spirogyra was my favorite...and they were a pretty good band too


I drew pictures of what I saw, dialogued with the prof about what I wanna be when I grow up and made it through the entirety of lab (he ended 5 hours early...Hallelujah!)

No one thought I was stupid
A few different people poked their head in to make sure I was okay throughout the morning and after all the pigs were out of sight, I joined the class again for our lab wrap up.

I feel emotionally sore
You know...after you work out you feel it start to settle into your muscles a few hours later
That emotional surge is settling in
It's still a bit unsettling but...

I didn't listen to JOAN, I stuck to my guns and honored my feelings
I was honest about what I was feeling
I told someone (a stranger!) about my eating disorder and didn't feel shame
and I didn't eat...which I might have if I actually left when I wanted to.

There's success in there somewhere
someday I'll recognize what that feels like
but for now I'll just hit 'publish post.'
*Carolina's preserved pigs were not raised for the purpose of dissection; they are a byproduct of the pork industry. Most of the pigs were stillborn and would be discarded were they not reutilized for educational purposes.

Trusting that Babs knows what's good for herself

Of the gajillions of diets/food plans/programs I've tried in the past...one was actually 'successful' in that I managed to lose weight and keep it off, I even became a meeting leader for the company.
Those successes started to fade not necessarily because the program itself was 'bad,' it just wasn't complete in that it didn't get to the crux of my emotional motivators for eating.

So...now that I'm getting the emotional support through therapy, group and my blog, I'm 'following' the guidelines again on my own. I'm not going to meetings or anything like that because I'm happy with the current support network sessions I have going, but I am logging my food on line keeping within the parameters the system sets up. Well, sortof.

See, if you remember I'm not weighing anymore. I haven't weighed since January 25, 2010. In fact, I've created a new blog page JUST to list new ways I have of measuring my success. (pssst, today I'm wearing pants I haven't worn in a year!!)

So, there's the rub
Sorta
This plan assigns food credits based on weight
the more you weigh, the more credits you get
as you lose weight, you decrease your food credits.

But I'm not weighing myself
I will not
The scale is NOT and has never been my friend...even during aforementioned "success."

Now, let's helicopter back to 2005 when I was 'at goal' and leading meetings
Even then I argued that I felt best, and noticed the greatest success at a certain credit level
When I went lower, I felt undernourished and struggled to make sure I got in my dairy/fats/meats/etc
When I went higher, I gained weight.
But I never trusted myself to just set my food credit level and have a devil may care attitude about what credits I was supposed to stick to.

Now if you remember, I started counting because of the damn doctor scale.
At the time, I started at my favorite credit level.
I'm having success...check out the page!
I know I've 'lost' according to the scale that I'm not stepping on
but I don't know how much
so I can't adjust my credits

JOAN wants to adjust the credits
You have to change your credits, it won't work if you don't decrease your credits. Do you think the professionals are stupid? They obviously know what they're doing they've created the program and it's a worldwide success. You really just need to give up this pettiness and step on the scale and do this right.

I thought about just making up a number ...something that represented how much I think I have lost, just to change my credits...but somewhere I knew that would be me caving into what JOAN wants...and my original intention was to trust my theory.

It's my theory
It might be wrong but I won't know unless I try it
There's been NOTHING that has led me to believe that it is wrong thus far (hello pants!)
so I need to trust myself
I'm trusting myself
I'm sticking with my current level of credits
I'm feeding myself well
I'm seeing successes
and JOAN can go stuff it :P

Asking for a recount

In the 2000 presidential election, Al Gore won the popular vote but lost the election.
If you lived in Florida at the time, you were the butt of the country's jokes as the awarding of Florida's 25 electoral votes was hanging by a chad. It was the closest election since 1876 and only the fourth election in which the electoral vote did not reflect the popular vote.

My decision to write this post does not reflect the popular vote. JOAN doesn't quite know what to think, my body is anxious and my mind is torn between whether this is a 'confession' or just a step in the process.

JOAN has been trying to play the semantics card.
I used food to soothe today...in a different way than I usually have, or mean when I say "use food to soothe."
There you go eating again, if you're really honest you'll write about it...but you won't because you're already wondering whether or not this counts" 


I stayed home from work and school today because I'm suffering from last night's gluten ingest.
My stomach has been VERY unhappy all day and eating has been touch and go today.
I think somewhere in the recess of my mind, this feels a lot like what my stomach would feel like towards the end of a binge and I'd keep eating until the 'feeling' went away.

A couple of times today I ate because I was hoping to get away from the uncomfortable stomach. How backwards right?
I was okay 'food plan' wise until I had some trail mix and peanuts (pretty high in calories/points)
But even if I HAD stayed on plan...my reason for eating was to ease discomfort
I was suffering from digestive distress and I tried EATING to soothe it?

So
I've restarted my counter
Once I pasted the code, I actually felt pretty good about it
My body 'rested' and JOAN shut up
She's still flitting her foot in the background...but she can't say anything.

I'm not going to restrict tomorrow
I didn't eat 'bad' food
I just ate for the wrong reasons
I'm learning not to learn that anymore
I'm sharing what I learn
OUT LOUD

so there...

photo credit

The blog's new clothes

Yeah I know, it doesn't matter what the page looks like...as long as I put things on the page...
sigh

I've been in the mood to change my background for a while, and with Blogger's new template designer it's a little bit easier. Maybe I'll just change my backgrounds every once in a while, or flip my columns around.
I like that I can use photos as my background YAY!
...I don't like that I can't upload my own photo ... BOO :(
I like that I can still use my counter...
...I don't like that the words have to show...I kinda just liked the numbers...it was for me (and those of you who get it) but I guess why hide...and I guess those that deserve the credit for making the funky little widget should get it...but it's gunking up my header :(
JOAN said to just delete it
uh...NO!
My counter helps me get through some risky times! It was really just 'luck' that the words/ads didn't show before so I'll deal.

Today I'm home 'unwell' because of gluten contamination.

Today it's hitting me HARD
but I realize that means I've done exceptionally well at eliminating it from my diet.
Eating out is so risky
I wasn't as smart as I could've been with my food choice last night
it didn't take long to realize I'd been glutened.
The only ones who love being close today are my puppies

So, I'm playing around with my blog template
Virtual schizophrenia :)
I'll study for my Biology test tonight
and I'll be nice to my belly
 :(

photo credit

"You should be so PROUD of yourself!"

I know people mean well when they say this to me.
I mean, if someone wanted to hurt my feelings, why on earth would they encourage me to feel good about myself?
But this seemingly harmless string of seven words hits me like i imagine vertigo would feel. The simple removal of ONE word and I'd stand on my own two feet with no issues...but that "P" word...gets me every time.

Number-one-son said it to me yesterday.
Now when number-one-son pays a compliment...I TAKE IT (anyone who lives with or who has lived with a soon-to-be-fifteen year-old boy knows what I'm talking about).
I had just recounted to the hub how I went 'shopping in the closet' that afternoon and found 4 or 5 pairs of pants that can move to the 'wear them now' rack and two more that 'aren't that far away.'

• N-O-S: "Do you think that's because you've been running?"
• Me: "Yeah, some, and because I haven't abused food in a long time, and I've been sticking to a food plan for a few months..."
• N-O-S: "That's cool, you should be proud of yourself"
• Me: ...well I didn't say anything, I felt that twilight-zone swirly thing in front of my face and went back to doing what I was doing...

Later on that night I was part of a team interpreting for Aretha Franklin (yeah, my job can be uber-cool sometimes) and there were lots of 'atta girl - atta boy' type comments flying around.

I should have been proud of myself...I knocked some lyrical concepts OUT.OF.THE.PARK...but I tend to sweep the praise under the rug (then walk on it for extra good measure) so it was hard for me to hear.

I need to work on this one.

But in other news...

I am excited about the successful shopping trip (in my closet).

Earlier this week a pair of shorts traveled up and over my hips nicely and I'm glad to have the alternate form of measure as I really feel JOAN needs to pack the scale when she leaves and take it with her.

I have some homework from therapy...I'll save that for a separate post so I can chew on all the particulars...but something struck me today that could turn into a good metaphor for me...

We don't live in the fanciest of houses

We intentionally bought an older cottage-type house because it had a YARD and lots of character (read: needs some work). Now if Ty Pennington WANTS to come over and re-do our house, I'd sure let him...but my remodel projects usually sit at the couple hundred dollar mark...not the tens-of-thousands dollar mark.

If you were to come and 'inspect' my work...you'd find glitches and imperfections but I'm okay with that.

Like THIS project I did a couple of years ago. See...BIG difference from before to after. 

Honestly, our kitchen cabinets need to just come down and the floor needs to be replaced but I couldn't do that in a week...what I could do is give it a face lift...and I did, under the mantra "They're not my forever cabinets, they're my for now cabinets." I didn't do it perfectly but it's leaps and bounds better than it was before!

Just like this past Friday when I started the living room make-over with a coat of paint in the hallway.

If you look closely...you can see the imperfections in the wall, and the wiggles in my cut-in line...but the difference in the room is inspiring. It's not my forever house, it's my for now house and painting it made me love it in a new way. I didn't do it perfectly, but it's leaps and bounds better than it was before!

While I was washing the dishes this morning, with my face in close proximity to the cabinets, I noticed some of the short-cuts I took when painting them. JOAN tried to start talking but BABS jumped in there and said, "They're not my forever cabinets, they're my for now cabinets and they're leaps and bounds better than they were before and that's perfect-enough for me"

ugh how I hated that grape wallpaper "backsplash"

Yeah, that's right.

It makes me happier to come into this kitchen than it did to look at the GRAPES OF WRATH kitchen. 

It makes me happier to look at the new blue shutters on the house than it did to look at the dingy white ones

It makes my smile go "BAM" to walk out my bedroom door and see a richly colored wall each morning now that the hallway is painted...and those things are all PERFECT in their own way.

So...Babs, why not apply that same logic to your body. "It's not my forever body, it's my for now body and it's leaps and bounds better than it was before!"

Who are you kidding? you used to wear a size FOUR!

Yeah, I still have some JOAN issues

But I like this new metaphor, I think I could be proud of this one...

It's not my forever body, it's my for now body...it's a work in progress and I'm working on it!

another thing on my list....check

Last night I earned the right to highlight something on my list (I'm not crossing out...that would be JOAN speak and this stuff is ALL BABS)

We've had deliciously colored paint for the living room and hallways for about 8 months now. The pictures don't quite do it justice but the name of the color is Tibetan Orange, our contrast color will be Red Pepper...I can't WAIT until it's done, it'll be like being wrapped in the Dalai Lama's robes! (looking at this picture, I'll have to get some lighter orange accents, maybe pillows or picture frames...)
Friday, I found myself with the boys out of the house and the mini-me at a Girl Scout lock in...
What to do, what to do?
Since Bm had to be dropped off at 8:45pm, it would be too late for a massage or yoga class or a touch up to my  pedicure...maybe a movie? maybe a trip to the book store?

I'LL PAINT THE HALLWAY.
As soon as I said it (okay I typed it, in an IM to my BFF while at work...we do that often), I KNEW it was the right thing to do because my heart got excited.
Now...if you're a faithful reader, you'll know that my head and heart rarely agree and when they do I'm not often aware of it...so this was a BIG DEAL (If you're not a faithful reader...start reading dangit! This is good stuff!)

I didn't get both hallways done...I didn't think I would but I DID start with the one that leads to OUR bedroom...so I can smile and admire my handiwork each day to and from bed :)
And it was WORK let me tell you!
When I awoke this morning, there was no mistaking my arms were in a position above shoulder level for an extended period of time yesterday...but it's all good!

The hub and I hit the big box store for some additional supplies and we're gonna work on the rest of the room (hallway, living room) together tomorrow.
We might not get it done...but we've got it going!

This Princess and the frog...

Saturday March 6th I participated in my first 5K.
It was the Princess and the Frog Royal Family 5K at Disney World.

My adventure started Friday at the race expo when I picked up my race number and goody bag.
I felt VERY weird at the expo. Part of me just wanted to grab my number and head back out to my car but I MADE myself walk through the vendors and displays. JOAN kept saying "You don't belong here"  so I just kept walking.
There wasn't much there that I was interested in purchasing...most of the merchandise was geared toward the half marathon runners but I still peeked at every booth.

I DID find a cool decal that was rather validating in the sea of runners... but I couldn't bring myself to charge $2.00 so I'll just have to look for it locally in one of the sports shops.

When I got home I got focused and worked on my t-shirt. The front turned out even better than I thought it would...but when I went to add the 'tag line' to the back, I didn't separate the layers of the shirt and part of the front transfer wound up on the ironing board...sigh. It bummed me out for about 90 seconds. Then I decided I wasn't happy with the type of T-shirt I got anyway and would much rather have a ringer tee. So, now that I know the transfer will work the way I want it to...and the potential pit falls, I'll be ready to make it when I find the perfect shirt.

Race Day we awoke at 5am
Me, hubs and the two mini-est me's.
Due to the aforementioned t-shirt debacle, I wore the race shirt provided in my goody bag...it was all good anyway...my bib number would've covered up my custom shirt ~smile~
With my tiara resting nicely in between my pigtails, I was ready to go.
Breakfast of a larabar, banana, small cottage cheese and some water and we were on our way.

I was anxious the whole drive.
Really, if I'd have driven myself...I never would've made it there...I TOTALLY would've turned around and gone home.
The kids and hub were excited for me...I didn't know what I was
'feeling' was such a foreign concept so I totally moved on brain power...one foot in front of the other.

We got to the race location around 6:15am and made our way to the spectator area/start line. I felt tears well up more than once and had to bury my head in my hub's shoulders a couple of times to keep from leaking. If I hadn't, if I had just let the tears flow...I know there was a panic attack waiting to happen.
I wasn't scared
I just didn't 'feel' right.
I just didn't 'feel.

6:50am and it's time to line up. I made my way towards the back of the crowd near the sign clearly marked "WALKERS." There were a TON of people...easily at least 1000 in all. All shapes, sizes, ages and costumes...yes costumes. Lots of princesses, even a dad in a tutu running with his little snow white princess daughter. "You have the most beautiful tiara here!" someone next to me pointed out as she tugged her race buddy to see. "Thanks" (shy grin).

The pre-race music at least got me bouncing and got my mind off of my lack of feeling. We all hummed along to the national anthem and then...the countdown 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5....4...3...2...1!

It took a few more minutes for us to begin to move...the race had a series of starts according to speed so I finally crossed the start line on my way around 7:05am.

The first half mile consisted of lots of dodging...some folks walking slowly, some with strollers, others trying to jog around the cones...I even ran a bit here and there. The first water station was at the 1.5 mile mark and I was feeling good and starting to feel as though I'd finish in time...mostly because there were a BUNCH of people behind me.

Around the 2 mile mark I figured I was maintaining a pace around a 15-min mile and also realized I was running past some pretty cool architecture (the course took us through Epcot) and I made a mental (actually I think I said it out loud) note to pay attention to the things around me.

I alternated walking and jogging throughout the whole course without beating myself up too much...I'd give myself an end-point once I started to run and I kept my breathing even...taking note of how comfortable my hip felt and any twinge that might appear in my shins...not too shabby.

The second water station was at the 2.5 mile mark and I noticed I was smiling as I thought about the finish line. A fellow runner caught up with me to apologize for staring at my leg but she was just dying to see my leg sleeve and ask what it was and figured it better to just come ask rather than get distracted and take out a bunch of fellow racers if she tripped! That made me giggle and we chit chatted about tattoos, whether or not they hurt, how many I have ...yada yada...which took me to "Right around this building and you'll SEE the finish line."

It was time to run out the last leg of the race.
Once I rounded the corner I started to jog and it wasn't long before I saw the finish line...I wanted to cut back down to a walk but I was so close I just kept going and pushed it those last 50 yards. I was looking for my fam but the sun was positioned in just a way that the glare made that impossible.

I finished in 44 minutes.

I still didn't know how to feel.
I just finished...a smiling woman at the end of the track handed me my completion medal (it's a rubber design on the end of a lanyard) and I moved through the water/Gatorade lines returning to a normal breathing pattern and scanning the crowd for my family.

There they all were...smiling and proud
"How do you Feel?"
I really didn't know
"I don't feel anything yet"
"Aren't you Proud?!"
"Yeah, I'll get there...this is new for me"

My fam is so cool
they get it
they know

The physical part...wasn't hard for me...I actually really love running and want to do more of it
Every other part...was VERY hard for me
I still don't quite know I how I feel
I don't have any 'connection' to it
to my medal
or my t-shirt
or my number

But I'll get there.
I'm going to frame my number and medal.
My t-shirt will eventually wind up in my memory quilt.

For now I'm re-reading all the "I'm so proud of you" text messages I got
and letting them soak in.

I treated myself to a manicure and pedicure after race so now I have pretty toes :)

And today...I finally painted the shutters outside. I say finally because I bought the paint for them at LEAST a year ago more like two...it was a 'reward' probably for some weight loss or something weight related...but I never gave myself the reward. Today I did...and I LOVE the result :)

Thanks to everyone who sent me well wishes and shared their 'proud' with me.
xo

Babs

My 100

Here it is LouLou!

Okay...you've probably seen this on a couple of blogs lately if you're a lurker...
the concept is to write a list of 100 things you'd like to do within the next 'specified period of time' (usually 5 years).
I've read some interesting comments on other people's lists...like "what happens if it takes 6.5 years, is that a fail?" Interesting idea there...especially since so many of us *raising hand like Horshack* consider ourselves failures when we set our selves up with unobtainable goals...

So, while I AM going to make a list of things i DEFINITELY want to do...I'm not putting a time limit on them. I think this will actually work for the Babs in me (and I KNOW it will stab away bits and pieces of the JOAN in me because SHE needs stuff done yesterday.)
Perhaps knowing that it's on the list...will make it seem not as rushed and yet still attainable.
We shall see... ;)

1. figure out my top 100 to do list
2. paint the living room
3. paint the hallways (3/12/10)
4. paint the bedroom
5. clean out the yard (3/13/10)
6. complete my BA
7. write a book
8. article published in magazine or webzine
9. publish a podcast
10. visit paris
11. visit macedonia
12. visit sicily
13. Authenticity Road Trip (yup this will tie in with my book and podcast...this will be my national tour ~smile~)
14. go as 'off grid' as comfortably possible
15. live in a yurt
16. learn how to knit
17. make remnants quilt
18. have a honey bee box
19. grow my own produce
20. lower the case of JOAN
21. grow my hair past my shoulders
22. love my grey
23. learn and use new ways to cope (not food)
24. jump out of a perfectly good airplane
25. hike/raft grand canyon
26. audition for community theater (again)
27. participate in community theater (again)
28. complete a 5K (hey look I can already cross one off!)
29. run a 5K
30. run a 10K
31. run a half marathon (I think I'll stop here)
32. Danskin Triathlon (I've done this once as a relay and trained to do it on my own in 2001 but it was cancelled that year due to 9/11 and I never tried again)
33. Take dancing lessons with my hub
34. paint my window shutters (i did this one today after i wrote my list!)
35. grow sunflowers
36. drive a cool retro v-dub
37. touch every state in the continental US
38. heck, touch the other two too
39. practice yoga regularly (again)
40. teach yoga (again)
41. bike lake tahoe
42. make jewelry
43. take a week off in the keys with NO plans
44. speak french more fluently
45. use my digital camera more often
46. learn the settings on my digital camera
47. post my interpreting videos for the world to see
48. be proud of myself
49. think of the next 50 things on my list
50. ....

I got stuck

is it bad I can't think of 100 things I want to do?

or maybe it's good because I've DONE them :)

Shaking in my sneakers

Okay it comes as no surprise to me, nor should it to you...I'm scared about tomorrow
I intended to run a 5K back in October, got a couple sponsors, downloaded a podcast...4 weeks in my IT band was screaming and I stopped training

I intended to run THIS 5K tomorrow
Paid the registration fee, downloaded a new podcast
2 weeks in my IT band was screaming and I had to slow down
I decided I could walk it (gasp, that was a HUGE decision) it's a RACE not a stroll, dear.
So I've been walking on the treadmill, and swimming/running laps in the pool
Coming to terms with the fact that WALKING a 5K is still a big deal.
It's a "Princess" 5K so I'm even wearing a Tiara (that's my Babsness peeking out)

But this week I started wondering if I could finish it in time
You have to maintain a 16 min mile pace or better in order to get a completion medal (there are no top honors...everyone who crosses in time gets a medal.
If you can't do that you're a louse.
What if I CAN'T do that.

Well...considering I've signed up before, and paid before...actually SHOWING up would be an improvement from my previous attempts.

So I go to pick up my number this afternoon
My hub and mini me are coming with me tomorrow morning
I'll do my very best
and be proud that I did

ohhhhhh THAT hit a visceral nerve!







I've been a bit snacky today...I've stayed on plan just been munching my food each time I take a break (every hr) which isn't how I normally do it.

Listen body,
Tomorrow we're going to go for a walk, just you and me
Yeah there will be other people there...they may choose to go slower or faster than we do, but that doesn't matter. We'll do the best we can and it will feel great...you remember that awesome 'zappy electric' feeling we get in our legs after we've walked the dogs? Yeah that! And there will be cool stuff to look at because we're 'walking around the world' at Epcot. So, the view will be good, I'm sure the music will rock and we're sure to see some interesting characters (human and costumed!).
Can we run one of these someday, maybe...would I like to, yeah but if you're not okay with that we can find something else to do. We've both enjoyed being in the pool as of late, and we know we love yoga so why don't we do that anymore?

It's okay if tomorrow doesn't work out the way I originally thought it would. I don't think my original thoughts were very realistic anyway...yeah, anyone CAN run a 5K, and someday I might
Tomorrow, I'm honoring my body
Tomorrow, I'm honoring a goal that I set for myself
Tomorrow, I'm saying NO to JOAN!

photo credit

Things to Do (and keep in mind!)

Dear Lou Lou challenged me to follow in Brie's footsteps in a list of 100 things I'd like to accomplish. I totally love this idea and will do it...but 100 seems rather daunting for my intermittent time on line right now so you'll have to settle for this AWESOME list sent by one of my Juilliaaahd buds.
I love it! Especially number 30!

HANDBOOK 2010
Health:

1. Drink plenty of water.

2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.

3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants...

4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy

5. Make time to meditate.

6. Play more games

7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .

8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day

9. Sleep for 7 hours.

10. Take a 10-30 minute walk daily. And while you walk, smile.



Personality:

11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.

14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.

16. Dream more while you are awake

17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.

20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

23. Smile and laugh more.

24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.



Society:
25. Call your family often.

26. Each day give something good to others.

27. Forgive everyone for everything.

28. Spend time w/people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.

29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

30. What other people think of you is none of your business.

31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.



Life:
32. Do the right thing!

33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

34. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..

35. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

36. The best is yet to come..

37. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Homework

i've been procrastinating this one so long i forgot the instructions
but it goes along the lines of...
make a list of all the things you know to be true about yourself
but then she said...

make a list of things that are true about you

didja catch the difference?
immediately that was 2 different lists to me

I thought about tracing my body out on some butcher paper and using 2 different colored post it notes to reflect the semantics

but I never got around to that

I have some time between work and therapy...but I really wanna go check out this uber cool thrift shop that is between here and there so I'm going to do that instead

I guess there's a reason I didn't do my homework
although...I am a 'best when under pressure' kinda gal and usually save my homework for the last minute
somehow this feels different
and besides...tonight is a double whammy night individual then group...
I have had a lot of 'stuff' come up this week...so maybe I'll just list that for tonight's session and put the chalk outline on my to do list for this week :)


photo credit 1
photo credit 2

blogaddicition?

Perusing through my blog list the other morning, Sarah's entry caused some interesting thoughts to swirl...

Yesterday my 'run down' post was 100% totally for me.Those simple statements needed to come to life as more than just distant voices and ideas hiding in the recesses of my brain.

It seems to me that thoughts can get stuck
just a 'thought' can get stuck forever a thought
if I had actually spoken to JOAN years ago...I wonder if she would've gone away
I never did...until recently
she was stuck...forever in my thoughts
i've let her out...i've given her 'life' now she can go

It is truly why I blog
I blog for myself
Virtural lurkers may participate at will but I don't write for them
Yes there have been a nanosecond or two where I've thought 'ooh, my hub will read this'  but that (as you can see) wasn't me, it was JOAN...she likes it when I keep things quiet, when she can just stay tucked away with the thoughts where she is comfortable and in control.
Sometimes I try to think of how to say something more poetically, using the trunk of metaphors shoved into the closet that is my head...but that's just because I want to be a better writer.
But when I'm dumping...you know not eating just writing, there is no editor, there is no 'posh language inserted here moment' because my fingers move faster than I can think of the words (must have something to do with that mind/body split thing)

Blogging has replaced my use of food to soothe...instead of turning to the fridge, I open my laptop and spew my feelings out my fingers
I will say that...so maybe it is my replacement addiction
I did, for a while, get caught up in who, when, from where...yada yada and all the stats that can make a blogger feel important

But I do feel important
I'm helping MYSELF
turns out in the process, I may be helping someone else too
I know I get a lot of 'healing' reading other blogs
and can I just tell you...JOAN and ED and all their other cohorts HATE it!
So keep reading, keep writing, keep talking
Live out Loud
Let your thoughts out
I am
and I will keep doing so

the run down

I have been counting points since January 15th 2010
I have stayed on plan since that day
I have not soothed with food since January 10th 2010
I have thought about it
I have not stepped on a scale since January 25th 2010
I do not plan to (of my own accord) until January 25th 2011
I have thought about it

I have clothes that are fitting more comfortably
I look at and appreciate my body daily
I answer JOAN back, out loud, on a regular basis

I am still in therapy
I am finding my Babsness (again)
I am feeling the need for a personal day...and have scheduled several over the next few months
I am excited about healing
I can feel it happen, bit by bit, every day

Great Googly Moogly!

Okay I really wanted to say HOLY SHIT! (but then I thought better of it)
really? It's been 50 days since I last used food to soothe!
man I love my counter thingie!!!

It's just a few days away...

Saturday is my 5K!
I watched the little video on the web page and got a little teary and scared and excited all at the same time. At least I THINK those were the feelings I was experiencing :)

My race starts at 7am

My hub is gonna be at the finish line :)

I have a tiara (thanks to a co worker)
and this ---------------------->
will be my t-shirt
yeah, I know they're giving me a commemorative one...
but I like this better so I bought a tee and some iron on transfer funky paper and VOILA
oh yes... the little 'brand' note on the back between my shoulder blades?
~SayNoToJOAN~

yup...my own clothing line just for me!
tee hee

speaking of clothing...
today i started
(yeah, hub gets home after a week away and blammo...ppttth)
but anyway I digress...
so i pulled out the fat pants
mind you...these barely fit in Dec and it pissed me off coz they're FAT pants...not every day pants
so today was the perfect day for them
and
and
and....they. are. loose!
Yes loose
so loose they're long (because my butt doesn't hold em up as high)

So yeah JOAN started
"ooh see, you should step on the scale! just see...come on just a tiny peek to see! Think of how great it will be AND you're bleeding so it's really even more of a loss than what you'll see!"

Shut up JOAN.
I didn't do it (step on the scale that is)
I only considered it for a second and I don't even think that was me (Babs)
Know why? The pants are enough!

Funny...after that I just kept singin'
'There's a new way to be human...'
I dunno the rest of that song, or if it even fits...but THAT did
and I didn't get on the scale :)


photo credit