Mom in the mirror

It's not a bad thing...

If you knew my mother...you wouldn't mind looking like her too

but today I see myself in the screen (I'm on screen all day)

and the other day I saw myself in the mirror and thought

"yup...gonnabe40soonmombody'

but it wasn't really a bad thing

it was an acceptance thing

NO, I don't want to be an overweight, tired, lazy, eating bonbons kinda mom body

but for the first time that I can recall...I wasn't looking at myself through the "you should be a desperate housewife" kinda mom body

I think that's a better starting point

I'm coming into acceptance of being older (mind you, I've never had a desperate housewife kinda body)

but I think i've always had a distorted ideal

strike that

I KNOW I've always had a distorted ideal

even when I was at a healthy weight...I felt fat and complained about being fat

Today I do feel fat

I've complained, in my brain, about being fat

clothes that fit me...just last month, not 4 years ago...are not comfortable

so there is action that needs to be taken

but this time, the finish line looks a little different...and maybe, a bit more attainable?

Merry Christmas

SLOSHED

It would be so much easier if I was an alcoholic...or even a drug user
for some reason it seems more acceptable to me to say I hit the bar tonight during happy hour and had 4 long island iced teas in an hour and a half

Or that I went to a killer party this weekend and shared a knot

but I don't do that
what I do is the same
it's as destructive
and completely over the top

but it's food
and for some reason that makes me feel like the dreggs of society
the worst of the worst
i mean it's food...just stop
how can you be SO gross

Drugs and alcohol are so socially acceptable
but eating is not...just ask Kirstie Allie
she's on the cover of one of those grocery store tabloids looking bigger than ever
I saw her when I purchased my chocoloate chip yo yo cookie sandwich
don't know what that is
it's 2 chocolate chip cookies dipped like a brown and white cookie, with disgustingly sweet cream filling between them like a sandwich

I ate the whole thing
AFTER I ate a #6 meal from taco bell

WHY
WHY
WHY?!?!?
JOAN's revenge?
because I have a meeting tonight at work that has turned into a potluck full of things I can't eat (pshaw right...did you read what I just ate...trust me it wuddn't gluten free)
because of the shit with my dad's truck
because I got "caught being good" at work
because because because?

I was sooo afraid when i thought about blogging this...more people, closer people, even my hub read my blog now
but i'm typing anyway..JOAN is sitting on my desk swinging her leg, inspecting her nails waiting for me to 'stop this foolishness'

I had no voice
my brain wanted to call someone and say "PLEASE HELP I"M ABOUT TO EAT"
but I couldn't
my fingers wouldn't let me
and my mind wouldn't stop me from going through the checkout
and eating, rather than just throwing it all away even though I already bought it

I feel so gross
I feel dizzy
I can't concentrate
it's like a bad buzz or morning after hangover
and I don't like it

I'm afraid of the comments
but more afraid of staying like this forever
so I'm blogging
eventually I'll find my voice
and someday, I won't get sloshed anymore

I love myself...and someday soon I'll know how to show myself that love
it starts by hitting "publish post"

photo credit

The First Cut is the Deepest

the jeans are gone

and another pair of pants i've always wanted to wear
they will be part of a quilt, that will keep us warm...much more nourishing
it wasn't as hard as I thought
only the size 8's ...the one pair I saved
the rest I grew out of
hub made it through 3 pairs before I got through that one
but I did it

thanks hub

photo credit

Morning after...

Opened my eyes this morning and there was JOAN
'You know dear, you really don't need that pitiful group. I mean really, reading aloud from a book writen AGES ago like a group of kindergarteners...although you were the best reader there, such inflection and affect to your voice'

"I'm not listening to you, I'm sleeping"

'Your alarm has gone off dear, it IS time to wake up and besides, what I'm telling you is important. You are much too smart for this, honestly if this God stuff was going to work don't you think it would've already. You just need to listen to me, obviously I know how to do it...just look at me. Babetta, this remedial, repetetive, bunk is for the birds! Did you SEE the class of people in that room...idiots! All of them! You, my dear could run rings around of the whole lot of them you have NOTHING in common with those people don't bring yourself down to their stupor!

"My name is Babetta and I"m a compulsive overeater"

'O GAWD would you stop being so dramatic! And get out of bed already your alarm went off hours ago'

"It went off 5 minutes ago, now who's being dramatic?"

'Don't speak to me that way! And besides, remember how upset your family was when you got home late, they were hungry and waiting for you, how could you be so selfish, you have responsibilities you know'

"Shut-up JOAN"

'You know he was upset, it was in the tone of his voice'

"We've already spoken about that, without YOU, so you can Shut-up now"

'Like saying that to me ever works, dear...you really should get up now. Get yourself ready for work, we'll discuss this meeting later'

"There's nothing to discuss"

'I said we'll talk about it later'

"What'd you say? I should Join O A Now?"

'Don't get smart with me'

"I'm already smart...remember?"

*photo credit
p.s.
There is part of me that agrees with her
I did internally roll my eyes and think "how juvenile" this seems during the meeting at least once if not twice...
But if I AM so damn smart...well then why hasn't it worked by now. I'm smart enough to know I need help...and I did relate with at least one other person there...and I had enough in common with everyone else.
I'm going back. Partially because I need to, and partially because JOAN doesn't want me to...
I am not JOAN,
she is not me
and the more I do that she wouldn't do
...the further apart we'll be!

Meeting

Went to an OA meeting tonight
JOAN kept trying to talk me out of it but I had already decided I was going
My heart raced as I rode the elevator down a level
I anxiously looked at each of the door markers to find the right room

I finally did and walked the seemingly ridiculously long hallway into the room

There was one man sitting there (he looked like retro-devil)

"Is this the OA meeting?"
"I don't know, I'm here for an HOA meeting..."

My heart sank
I wandered back down the forever long hallway to the room agenda posting
7pm - 8pm Overeater's Anonymous - Bradford room
...in rushed JOAN
See, you're not supposed to be here, how stupid of you to think this would work
Well, lucky for you because you were just going to be surrounded by a bunch of loser cry-babies and you're too good for that...

I breathed, deeply
I looked at the pictures on the bulletin board
I peeked into the other rooms
Then I decided that since devil man didn't even know if he was in the right room, we could both go wait in the wrong room together...
So I waited...
He started talking about HOA stuff, purple houses and bad lawns
I just waited

I was in the right room
The facilitator was late...but several other folks showed up
JOAN talked the whole meeting long
"Oh my GOD would she stop blabbering"
"Look, see, you're not as fat as them, you don't need to be here'
"Oh GEEZ you KNOW all this higher power stuff"
"Really, we're all gonna read aloud from the Big Book...come on Babetta this is beneath even YOU"

Then it came time to share
So far...admittedly I'd really been tuned into JOAN
I made eye contact with people when they talked
I TRIED to pay attention to them...but JOAN had my ear.

Then someone said it
"My name is Mary* and I'm a compulsive overeater"
"Hi Mary"

My heart skipped a beat
She said that out loud

I listened to other people share
knowing I had to say something
JOAN just kept reminding me that I was new and no one wanted to hear what I had to say

"My name is Babetta and I'm a compulsive overeater" *lip quiver and a bit of a tear*
"I think I just needed to say that out loud"

I shared a little bit more and I leaked some tears

JOAN is still talking to me
telling me it's not the right place for me and all the reasons why
I think I'll go back...just because she hates it so much

photo credit
*name changed

JOAN started talking a few minutes ago...

JOAN: Your 20 year reunion is in July

Me: yeah so

J: you can't go looking the way you do, you can't go

Me: everyone else is gonna look 37 too

J: You'll be 38. You need to start exercising and dieting now or you'll never make it. You have to wear those jeans in your drawer.

Me: Actually I think I'll throw those jeans away, or better yet, I'll cut them up for the quilt I'm making

J: No you want to wear those again and I can help you

Me: Yeah, I do want to wear them again...but not if it means letting you, and them, make my decisions for me

J: We'll see

Me: Yes JOAN, you will see

Thank you for my card...

Yesterday was a hard day

my therapy homework ripped open some new thoughts and feelings

our finances are a challenge right now

and our family unit is being yanked around

generally stuff that just feels ucky...

So I took the time to open all of our Christmas cards saving the best one for last

(because I recognized the shape and size AND the handwriting

...a dead Santa give-away)

It wasn't a Christmas Card

It was better

JOAN hated it

I cried

I love you :)

Good Girl/Bad Girl

comments are open...01/01/10
(stream-of-consciousness therapy homework....author's side-note: this post will be closed to comments until AFTER my next therapy session 12/21...I could analyze the heck out of this list but that's not part of my homework yet so no analytics...just emptying of the brain...I'm not sure if I'm done brain vomiting yet, but it's what I have for now)

Good Girls are...

blonde haired blue eyed pink lipped and cute

they always brush their hair and teeth and have on clean clothes that match

Good girls clean their rooms and make their beds and always say please and thank you and offer to help.

They are the best mommies to their baby dolls

They speak in quiet voices and have the cutest laugh

Good girls do their homework and write neatly

Good girls always help the teacher and offer to help their classmates

Good girls uniforms are neatly pressed and their shoes are neat and always look new

Good girls listen to wholesome music and watch family tv

Good girls go to bed on time and always say their prayers

Good girls care about your feelings and help you solve your problems

Good girls have lots of friends and everyone likes them but they don't have big heads

Good girls sing and dance and speak very well.

Good girls have perfect grammar.

Good girls get the best grades in school and are known and loved by all the teachers and administrators; they always go above and beyond what is requested of them.

Good girls join all the clubs and offer to stay late and come in early. They wear modest clothes that are in style from the latest stores. Good girls volunteer and are nice to kids that no one else is nice to.

Good girls focus on their grades and get into good schools

Good girls date good boys and only date in groups or with a chaperone

Good girls save themselves for marriage

Good girls are humble wives

Good girls are good moms who never yell or spank their children. Their children are well behaved and well groomed and their families are very handsome families.

You can always spot the good girl's home because it has beautiful curb appeal and a welcoming porch; the flowers in the garden are always in season but she never lets you see the dirt under her nails. The good girl hosts the most beautiful parties; her house smells delicious and the lighting and decor are warm and inviting. She never looks as though she's lifted a finger and yet each guest is attended to and the kids are all occupied. A good girl's house is clean even when you drop by unexpected and she always looks put together even in her 'bummin around clothes.' Good girls talk to their moms (and inlaws) and sisters nearly daily, send thank you notes and holiday cards on time and never forget anyone's birthday. Good girls know their neighbors and help them when they are out of town or under the weather. They know all the neighborhood kids and all their student's classmates and is the favorite 'room mom.' Her kids all give her hugs and kisses before bed and say thank you at meal time for a good meal.

A good girl always desires and is desired by her husband. She never yells and when she does disagree she shares her thoughts in the right voice at the right time. She understands that her husband works hard and needs his play time too. She keeps the house neat and the meals tasty.

A good girl never complains

A good girl always prays

A good girl always smiles but is good at catching the tears of others

A good girl takes care of her health and her body, her skin and make-up are flawless, her hair is flowing and her body is in shape and modest.

A good girl always tries to find the solution and is constantly figuring out what do do next

A good girl never falls apart...she ALWAYS holds it together

A good girl can never be this good and she knows it...she secretly longs for the "bad boy" or the night out or to be able to yell and scream at the top of her lungs. She wants someone to come and "take it all away" She wants to go out late with the girls (but she doesn't have any) and not worry about the house...ever. She doesn't want to think about bills she just wants a knight in shining armor to come and take it all away and dote on her like her imaginary princes did when she was young.

The Bad girl is already snickering

The Bad girl talks back, she swears and doesn't make eye contact unless she's saying something hurtful.

The bad girl has stains on her shirt and yesterday's socks and doesn't care

The bad girl would rather jump out of trees with the boys than play house with the girls

The bad gril NEVER cleans her room and she constantly has to be reminded to do her chores

The bad girl sneaks out of her house, lies, steals and cheats and thinks its no big deal...she never sits like a lady and hates wearing 'girly' clothes.

The bad girl breaks the house rules and talks on the phone way past her allowed time. She sneaks out and she covers her tracks so she doesn't get caught

The Bad girl brings a change of clothes in her bag so she doesn't get caught wearing what she's not supposed to. She smokes cigarettes, does drugs and drinks.

She rolls her eyes and talks back to her parents and has an attitude every time they ask her to do something.

She can be sweet to teachers and bosses but at home she is a nightmare.

The Bad girl has sex too young and with too many people and doesnt even really like it

She leaves home as soon as she can.

She's in and out of college if she ever goes at all just like she's in and out of relationships.

She dresses any way she chooses, sometimes slummy sometimes slutty but knows how to turn on the charm when it suits her.

The Bad girl has multiple sex partners and multiple relationships...and the 2 are not mutually exclusive.

The bad girl stands up for herself, she speaks up, sometimes loudly, when she disagrees with someone.

The bad girl is not afraid of confrontation, in fact she thrives on it

The bad girl is loud and boisterous, and likes her liquor and smells of cigarettes. She isn't afraid to be sexually forward in public.

The Bad girl knows how to be a good mom but sometimes chooses not to be. She doesn't alwasy shop for groceries and "on your own" dinners because "there's food in the house" are some of her favorite phrases and laundry can take over the bed room floor...clean OR dirty

The bad girl doesn't like to plan or be forced into a schedule

She does what she wants when she wants to, talks the way she wants to talk, dresses however she damn well pleases and doesn't have to listen to anyone.

She likes the idea of marriage but doesnt NEED to be married

She has a crowd of people she hangs with, but no real close friends

The bad girl has no connection with her family except when it's necessary

She yells at her kids and calls them names and is critical of everything they do

She's two faced to neighbors and teachers and a bitch behind closed doors

The bad girl goes against the grain and does things most people find socially unacceptable  and has her whole life so these socially unacceptable things get more and more apparent with age.

Bad girls don't solve problems, they just drop them

Admission

Tonight we worked on Bm's geography project as a fam... we recreated the Hanging Gardens of Babylon in Cake.
It was a great night
Seeing all of our ideas come together for the completed project was awesome! We played Christmas carols and everyone chipped in (#1son decided he wanted to stay at his mom's this week that's another post)...

I asked my fam to help me stay away from the frosting
see...tubs of frosting are not safe for me
I will eat the whole thing
not just a finger-ful or spoonful...but whatever is left in the plastic tub and I'll lick it clean
Frosting has always been a binge food
Frosting with peanut butter...look out

I know there have been times I've tried to bury it in the garbage only to dig it out hours later

So I said that I couldn't be near it
even admitted that I've been known to eat an entire tub
and whatever is left has to go down the disposal

You know what...my family didn't flinch
they didn't say "YOU EAT TUBS OF FROSTING!?!?!? HOW GROSS!"
They just said okay
helped me not even get a smidge on my fingers to lick (and thus start the craving)
and went on with the project.

When all was said and done, the excess went down the disposal and that was it
No judging, no frowning, no shameful looks, no disgust
Just support
I just realized that as I sat here to type this...pretty cool!

I couldn't believe I actually admitted it
I'm glad I did

Watching my Eating Disorder

My father has been in the hospital since the day before Thanksgiving.
Last night he was transferred to a rehabilitation facility to help him regain his strength and receive physical therapy and hopefully transition back home.

A few days ago he was okay with this idea, he agreed that he could not live in his trailer in his condition and was not strong enough to live on his own.

Last night, he was NOT okay with the idea.
I joke that it is because he had a male intake nurse and he thrives on flirting and joking with his nursing staff (really a psychological coping mechanism)

At 2:40 this morning...after working until 11 and not getting home until midnight, I received an ANGRY (all caps) text from Dad demanding to go home right away.
I ignored it

So at 3:10am I received a not so angry (regular text) text from Dad demanding to go home right away.

At 8am I told him I couldn't bring him home because "I have to work, If I don't go to work, I lose my job"

At 9am he said..."Okay honey, have a good day, love Dad"

arrrrrgh

then it hit me
My dad has not been allowed free range with food since the day before Thanksgiving.
Like me, his coping mechanism is food, eating whatever and whenever he wants.
He's been eating "good" while in the hospital...always mentioning that he orders a fruit cup at every meal and reminding me that he doesn't even finish his whole plate...like it's a badge of honor.

He's good in front of people, and FEEDS when he's alone
He hasn't been able to FEED
He doesn't have any other coping strategies
He's tweaking.

I understand Daddy
I've never been refused my drug of choice
I would tweak too
I'm not sorry you are where you are...I know you will be better because of it
I am sorry there is no professional help for you psychologically so you can understand WHY you are tweaking.
I know you don't want to understand
I know you just want to be home with your apple fritters and the chair you cannot get out of alone without pain
I know that THAT pain is more comfortable than the fear you have now
I understand Daddy
and I love you.

I said it before...

but I'm saying it again ... here... so I can find it when I want it
Original post Oct 27, 2009 here.
Unfortunately, the collective blog has faded...

Today (whatever number it is, its just another day in the process)
I'm glad to be here again (although I've always lurked) and I agree with the masses that having a place to share is good therapy...but only if its honest sharing and there is a comprehensive goal to sharing at the conclusion...or the first mile marker (month 1 ...or 2, or 2 thousand as it may be for some of us).

See, I'm not sure the ONLY point to a blog like this is to keep us "honest" or find camaraderie...for me anyway, maybe we can find a common pattern, maybe from that common pattern we can begin to find real life solutions.

My personal life journey has taught me that western medicine and medicinal thought does not always hold all the answers (mostly because they don't even bother to listen to the questions) so we can join as soujourners, learning as we go.

If we're just here to commiserate and gripe...then we're missing out on half of the journey, and perhaps the most imporatant part...what CAN we learn what's the feedback from our perceived failure?

I say perceived because we can't learn from it if we don't experience the failure...and if we keep experiencing it (over and over and OVER and over and over) then there's obviously a life lesson we're missing

It may not (and very well might not) be the same for all of us...but the journey and exegesis of the lessons will probably follow a similar path so rather than just join...let us BAND together through the process.

Honestly, I'm not quite sure what this means our blog has to look like (has to is the wrong choice of words but i'm just flowin here so go with me...Karen knows I have a thing for runonsentences)

Maybe this means we need to include (or attach somewhere) some statistics of our days...not just emotions but intake so we can see how they relate
we can find common triggers
we can compare symptoms
we can come up with REAL LIFE solutions
because really...
do any of us just want to continue our "do overs" each month hoping that THIS will be the month?
I don't...I want to see change...and that doesn't necessarily have to be in the size of my clothing, although it would be nice
I'm working on acceptance and recognition of my beautiful self...no matter what she looks like
I get the feeling that once this is achieved...any superfluous pieces of myself will melt away
i'm holding onto this fat for reasons other than "I eat" because even when I'm good...it doesn't want to go anywhere...

so my goal for today
"It's not about being good or bad...it's about understanding why"

Love and peace to all

Homework

My first visit at WPF was a good one.

Turns out because I'm a student I get a reduced rate...which means I can afford a visit every other week without going over budget. A nice gift from the Universe!

I mentioned to my counselor that I was thinking about trying on an OA meeting and after answering a few intake questions, she agreed that it might be a good idea...to see how it feels and if any of the information resonates well. My plan is to do that on alternating weeks.

I treated myself to a new journal for this journey

which I absolutely LOVE (thank you Borders for the 30% off coupon!)

It will hold my thoughts and my homework throughout the process...

My first homework assignment is to list all the weight loss methods/programs/attempts I can remember listing whether or not they were successful.

Well, none of them were successful...but you know what I mean.

I'm 3 pages into my list 

3 PAGES of SINGLE LINE ENTRIES!

Stuff I remember from as far back as 10 years old...

Although this doesn't surprise me...I definitely notice that even when I have been "successful" with my weight loss attempts, I never FELT successful at the time

What I'd give now to be where I was 2 years ago, and 2 years ago, I thought I was fat.

I may have binged on a bag of baby carrots...which is ultimately better than a box of Little Debbie's ...but it was still a binge

So...to date, there has been no such thing as a successful weight loss attempt because success is not measured in actual weight lost.

White Picket Fences

Today I have a counseling appointment.I know, I've done this before but when I look back on my experiences with "the young one," she never gave me what I asked for. I specifically wanted to work on cognitive behavioral techniques that focused on my eating disorder....because that's what I have. I am a compulsive overeater.
We worked on some emotional issues and such
but we never focused on my eating disorder
i'm even willing to work on BOTH simultaneously
but nope, not ever a word about my food issues

So this time it's going to be different
today is my "getting to know you session" at White Picket Fences (I just got the 'meaning' of that name).
I've already had an in depth conversation with my counselor about my needs and my focus for therapy.
I need to learn how to Say.No.To.JOAN.

I am succeeding!