Results not typical...

I used to be a healthy weight.
I successfully navigated my way through a national program to a healthy goal weight.
I went to work for said program...even applied to the upper administrative levels...

Why is today different?
Why did it work then (nearly 6 years ago) but not now?

My hub asked that this morning...why was it "easier" then?
What was different ...what made the weight come off?

I've thought about this myself a lot lately...especialy given the uncovering of my 'belongingness' triggers.

Well...I had just met him and felt utterly 'belong-ed'
I was working a job with a boss who thought my ideas were the very stars in the sky
I was working with ALL of my creativity...directing music, creating programs, directing musical theater
It did take me nearly 2 years to drop 35 lbs...so it wasn't "easy"
I still binged...albeit on a 2lb bag of carrots not a value menu at a drive through

But now it seems on weeks I follow a healthy plan
I weigh XXX
On weeks I kick the plan to the wind
I weigh XXX
yup
same
FRUSTRATING

Why is today different
BAH!

Neutral Information

I stepped on the scale last week.

Back in January I vowed to not step on the scale until January 2011

I am a scale junkie
I can step on it 10 times in a row
go pee
step on it again
change my clothes
step on it again
move it to a different part of the room
and step on it again
so I decided to stop stepping on it

But last week, I stepped on it
It takes a bit of effort to actually step on my scale
It has to be dug out from under the armoire and plugged in UNDER my desk so obviously I was on a mission...I just wanted to seeeeeee.
Funny thing is, once I got on it, I couldn't remember what I weighed the last time I stepped on a scale.
For a few minutes I wanted my weight to be less... but less than what?
I thought I would feel bad about stepping on the scale, and I did for a minute or two.
I thought I'd become a scale junkie again...
But honestly, I packed it up and put it back where it lives and didn't think twice about it...other than to 'fess up that I weighed and we're uncovering my need to 'fess up in counseling, turns out there is something to that too.

But for now, reflecting on the scale
it wasn't good information
it wasn't bad information
it was neutral information
which is what a scale is SUPPOSED to be

Trusting that Babs knows what's good for herself

Of the gajillions of diets/food plans/programs I've tried in the past...one was actually 'successful' in that I managed to lose weight and keep it off, I even became a meeting leader for the company.
Those successes started to fade not necessarily because the program itself was 'bad,' it just wasn't complete in that it didn't get to the crux of my emotional motivators for eating.

So...now that I'm getting the emotional support through therapy, group and my blog, I'm 'following' the guidelines again on my own. I'm not going to meetings or anything like that because I'm happy with the current support network sessions I have going, but I am logging my food on line keeping within the parameters the system sets up. Well, sortof.

See, if you remember I'm not weighing anymore. I haven't weighed since January 25, 2010. In fact, I've created a new blog page JUST to list new ways I have of measuring my success. (pssst, today I'm wearing pants I haven't worn in a year!!)

So, there's the rub
Sorta
This plan assigns food credits based on weight
the more you weigh, the more credits you get
as you lose weight, you decrease your food credits.

But I'm not weighing myself
I will not
The scale is NOT and has never been my friend...even during aforementioned "success."

Now, let's helicopter back to 2005 when I was 'at goal' and leading meetings
Even then I argued that I felt best, and noticed the greatest success at a certain credit level
When I went lower, I felt undernourished and struggled to make sure I got in my dairy/fats/meats/etc
When I went higher, I gained weight.
But I never trusted myself to just set my food credit level and have a devil may care attitude about what credits I was supposed to stick to.

Now if you remember, I started counting because of the damn doctor scale.
At the time, I started at my favorite credit level.
I'm having success...check out the page!
I know I've 'lost' according to the scale that I'm not stepping on
but I don't know how much
so I can't adjust my credits

JOAN wants to adjust the credits
You have to change your credits, it won't work if you don't decrease your credits. Do you think the professionals are stupid? They obviously know what they're doing they've created the program and it's a worldwide success. You really just need to give up this pettiness and step on the scale and do this right.

I thought about just making up a number ...something that represented how much I think I have lost, just to change my credits...but somewhere I knew that would be me caving into what JOAN wants...and my original intention was to trust my theory.

It's my theory
It might be wrong but I won't know unless I try it
There's been NOTHING that has led me to believe that it is wrong thus far (hello pants!)
so I need to trust myself
I'm trusting myself
I'm sticking with my current level of credits
I'm feeding myself well
I'm seeing successes
and JOAN can go stuff it :P

"You should be so PROUD of yourself!"

I know people mean well when they say this to me.
I mean, if someone wanted to hurt my feelings, why on earth would they encourage me to feel good about myself?
But this seemingly harmless string of seven words hits me like i imagine vertigo would feel. The simple removal of ONE word and I'd stand on my own two feet with no issues...but that "P" word...gets me every time.

Number-one-son said it to me yesterday.
Now when number-one-son pays a compliment...I TAKE IT (anyone who lives with or who has lived with a soon-to-be-fifteen year-old boy knows what I'm talking about).
I had just recounted to the hub how I went 'shopping in the closet' that afternoon and found 4 or 5 pairs of pants that can move to the 'wear them now' rack and two more that 'aren't that far away.'

• N-O-S: "Do you think that's because you've been running?"
• Me: "Yeah, some, and because I haven't abused food in a long time, and I've been sticking to a food plan for a few months..."
• N-O-S: "That's cool, you should be proud of yourself"
• Me: ...well I didn't say anything, I felt that twilight-zone swirly thing in front of my face and went back to doing what I was doing...

Later on that night I was part of a team interpreting for Aretha Franklin (yeah, my job can be uber-cool sometimes) and there were lots of 'atta girl - atta boy' type comments flying around.

I should have been proud of myself...I knocked some lyrical concepts OUT.OF.THE.PARK...but I tend to sweep the praise under the rug (then walk on it for extra good measure) so it was hard for me to hear.

I need to work on this one.

But in other news...

I am excited about the successful shopping trip (in my closet).

Earlier this week a pair of shorts traveled up and over my hips nicely and I'm glad to have the alternate form of measure as I really feel JOAN needs to pack the scale when she leaves and take it with her.

I have some homework from therapy...I'll save that for a separate post so I can chew on all the particulars...but something struck me today that could turn into a good metaphor for me...

We don't live in the fanciest of houses

We intentionally bought an older cottage-type house because it had a YARD and lots of character (read: needs some work). Now if Ty Pennington WANTS to come over and re-do our house, I'd sure let him...but my remodel projects usually sit at the couple hundred dollar mark...not the tens-of-thousands dollar mark.

If you were to come and 'inspect' my work...you'd find glitches and imperfections but I'm okay with that.

Like THIS project I did a couple of years ago. See...BIG difference from before to after. 

Honestly, our kitchen cabinets need to just come down and the floor needs to be replaced but I couldn't do that in a week...what I could do is give it a face lift...and I did, under the mantra "They're not my forever cabinets, they're my for now cabinets." I didn't do it perfectly but it's leaps and bounds better than it was before!

Just like this past Friday when I started the living room make-over with a coat of paint in the hallway.

If you look closely...you can see the imperfections in the wall, and the wiggles in my cut-in line...but the difference in the room is inspiring. It's not my forever house, it's my for now house and painting it made me love it in a new way. I didn't do it perfectly, but it's leaps and bounds better than it was before!

While I was washing the dishes this morning, with my face in close proximity to the cabinets, I noticed some of the short-cuts I took when painting them. JOAN tried to start talking but BABS jumped in there and said, "They're not my forever cabinets, they're my for now cabinets and they're leaps and bounds better than they were before and that's perfect-enough for me"

ugh how I hated that grape wallpaper "backsplash"

Yeah, that's right.

It makes me happier to come into this kitchen than it did to look at the GRAPES OF WRATH kitchen. 

It makes me happier to look at the new blue shutters on the house than it did to look at the dingy white ones

It makes my smile go "BAM" to walk out my bedroom door and see a richly colored wall each morning now that the hallway is painted...and those things are all PERFECT in their own way.

So...Babs, why not apply that same logic to your body. "It's not my forever body, it's my for now body and it's leaps and bounds better than it was before!"

Who are you kidding? you used to wear a size FOUR!

Yeah, I still have some JOAN issues

But I like this new metaphor, I think I could be proud of this one...

It's not my forever body, it's my for now body...it's a work in progress and I'm working on it!

the run down

I have been counting points since January 15th 2010
I have stayed on plan since that day
I have not soothed with food since January 10th 2010
I have thought about it
I have not stepped on a scale since January 25th 2010
I do not plan to (of my own accord) until January 25th 2011
I have thought about it

I have clothes that are fitting more comfortably
I look at and appreciate my body daily
I answer JOAN back, out loud, on a regular basis

I am still in therapy
I am finding my Babsness (again)
I am feeling the need for a personal day...and have scheduled several over the next few months
I am excited about healing
I can feel it happen, bit by bit, every day

It's just a few days away...

Saturday is my 5K!
I watched the little video on the web page and got a little teary and scared and excited all at the same time. At least I THINK those were the feelings I was experiencing :)

My race starts at 7am

My hub is gonna be at the finish line :)

I have a tiara (thanks to a co worker)
and this ---------------------->
will be my t-shirt
yeah, I know they're giving me a commemorative one...
but I like this better so I bought a tee and some iron on transfer funky paper and VOILA
oh yes... the little 'brand' note on the back between my shoulder blades?
~SayNoToJOAN~

yup...my own clothing line just for me!
tee hee

speaking of clothing...
today i started
(yeah, hub gets home after a week away and blammo...ppttth)
but anyway I digress...
so i pulled out the fat pants
mind you...these barely fit in Dec and it pissed me off coz they're FAT pants...not every day pants
so today was the perfect day for them
and
and
and....they. are. loose!
Yes loose
so loose they're long (because my butt doesn't hold em up as high)

So yeah JOAN started
"ooh see, you should step on the scale! just see...come on just a tiny peek to see! Think of how great it will be AND you're bleeding so it's really even more of a loss than what you'll see!"

Shut up JOAN.
I didn't do it (step on the scale that is)
I only considered it for a second and I don't even think that was me (Babs)
Know why? The pants are enough!

Funny...after that I just kept singin'
'There's a new way to be human...'
I dunno the rest of that song, or if it even fits...but THAT did
and I didn't get on the scale :)


photo credit

One year commitments

If you follow my other, not so personally intense or exposing blog, you'll know that I have decided not to drastically cut my hair until October 31, 2010. Yes, I'll get a trim from time to time...but I'm growing it long, it is sorta long already but I'm going for more...and it's AWKWARD right now. I'll never really know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll if I keep taking a bite!
(sorry ran with the random similar metaphor and I won't go into how it's an EATING metaphor...)

I'm considering straightening my hair to get through the awkward phase...I LOVE it straight so it would be a way to reward myself without food, but the crunchy side of me is having a REAL hard time with the idea of having formaldehyde on my head.

Anyway...I digress

I've set another 1 year habit creation.
I'm not checking my weight again until January 25, 2011
I may step on a scale, at the doctor's office or for some reason like that, but I will not look and I will request the information not be shared.
This way, I'll find NEW ways to measure my healing journey...and the scale won't wreck or derail me.
My recent experience showed me that I hang a lot on numbers. Rather than being satisfied, and even proud with the fact that I had nourished my body in a healthy way, OR that I had actually lost 2 pounds, I wondered why I didn't lose 5. Why should losing matter at all... did you read that? I fed myself in a nourishing way, I honored my gluten intolerance, I found glory in the scrubbing and chopping of vegetables and pride in the meals I created for my family. Which...by the way...they devoured with joy.

A good way for me to remember to work on a NEW habit...is to remember that I'm working on breaking an old one. So I'm not stepping on the scale because I'm teaching myself to find enjoy my healing journey in other ways.

And for the record...I haven't eaten from the candy jar at work in a while either.
It's been whispering to me this week. I've been telling it "no." (in my head)
I'm gonna start saying it outloud!

Have a great week!

photo credit

Go ahead Punk, MAKE my day

A calculator can ruin your day if your checkbook register doesn't add up the way you think it should but typically it lives in a drawer where it is easily found for kids' math homework, grocery shopping, bill paying and tip configuring.

A clock can ruin your day if the alarm goes off before you were ready, but otherwise is pretty reliable and even helpful at times.

A phone can get in the way if you spend more time talking on it than talking TO people face to face...but we can all admit they're pretty much a necessity these days.

Oven timers, cable boxes, stop watches, remote control devices...all of em, just box shaped things with numbers on them. Not earth shattering, not mind blowing, not extremely significant, although convenient.

So why then, does SO Much hang in the balance over a scale?!

JOAN started talking again this morning.

If you remember the Doctor's office Scale incident, you'll know that today was the day for my follow-up visit. You'll be happy to know that my lungs are clear and I'm nearly 100% after last week's bout with bronchitis.

You'll also be proud to hear that I've done very well sticking to my points every day for the past week and haven't felt deprived IN THE LEAST. I've been to the gym 4 times this week and have a week of  Chubby Jones Couch to 5k under my belt.

But...if you remember correctly, the whole reason I started counting points again is because of the fuss my dear doc made over the fact that 2009 brought with it 13 lbs. 

It was a challenge.

I knew I would be back in a week and I knew I could SHOW her!

So I went back

And I DID show her.

I lost 2 lbs this week!

SHE DIDN'T EVEN FRICKIN NOTICE

She didn't say a word!

She just asked me about my tattoos.

It didn't take JOAN long to jump on THAT.

You see dear, no one cares, no one cares because they've seen it all before. You're not going to make it, you'll just give up again. See dear, you're already thinking about what you'll eat for breakfast. You really should stop this silly charade. I mean, look at you...you even thought wearing the EXACT same clothes as you wore last week would make a difference.

How effed up is THAT! I lost 2 lbs and I STILL let the voices start working on me.

Where's the voice that said HOO RAH! Way to go Babs look what you did?

Where's the voice that says this is about how YOU feel and what YOU'RE doing for YOURSELF.

JOAN strangled her this morning she lurks in the wings and sucks the life out of me. She pulls out all those old tapes and replays them LOUDLY...no JOAN doesn't even have an iPod and the tapes are stretched and worn thin and the noise is distorted but it settles deep in my bones, it has a home there and it knows just where to go.

It's times like these that I NEED a plan

I have to have some routine to fall back on

something that is straight up muscle memory that pushes me through or the voices win. I admit, I wanted it to be 3, 4 or 5 lbs that I lost this week...I need to work on my delayed gratification!

JOAN didn't win this morning. She's still talking, Oh I'm not done yet, dear. You can type all you want but you know, yes YOU know that in the end I am right, I am always right.

SHUT UP JOAN

Today I came home and I made a great breakfast

I journaled my food

I'm WRITING my feelings instead of eating them.

I have PLANNED to have a smoothie from Planet Smoothie today and I will, without feeling guilty and within my points allowance.

I am proud of myself

I chose a plan for the week and I stuck with it

I added 1/4 mile to my running time in just one week

I lost 2 lbs this week HOO RAH!

I admit I am struggling and am at risk for a binge today....but the numbers at the top of the page remind me it's been almost 12 days since I last used food to soothe and those are numbers I DO want to increase.

So, 

I'm still going to count my points

having a daily plan is good for me, it keeps me focused

When I plan out my food, I pack my food and I stay nourished which is important for MORE than just my weight...I've also been completely gluten-free so it helps my health too.

I'm definitely still training for my 5k...I even got my Tiara! (heck it is a PRINCESS 5k after all!) and running makes me feel good...it makes me sweat, and I LIKE to sweat.

I am, however, NOT stepping on the scale again

I mean I know that if I go to the doctor for something I have to

but I packed away our home scale months ago and it is an effort to take it out and plug it in...I did this intentionally so I would stay off it (confessions of a former scale junkie)

It's just a box with numbers

It doesn't change my life

It doesn't make or break my day

I choose to do that

and today I choose MAKE

photo credit 1 photo credit 2 photo credit 3 photo credit 4

**JOAN speak