Mom in the mirror

It's not a bad thing...

If you knew my mother...you wouldn't mind looking like her too

but today I see myself in the screen (I'm on screen all day)

and the other day I saw myself in the mirror and thought

"yup...gonnabe40soonmombody'

but it wasn't really a bad thing

it was an acceptance thing

NO, I don't want to be an overweight, tired, lazy, eating bonbons kinda mom body

but for the first time that I can recall...I wasn't looking at myself through the "you should be a desperate housewife" kinda mom body

I think that's a better starting point

I'm coming into acceptance of being older (mind you, I've never had a desperate housewife kinda body)

but I think i've always had a distorted ideal

strike that

I KNOW I've always had a distorted ideal

even when I was at a healthy weight...I felt fat and complained about being fat

Today I do feel fat

I've complained, in my brain, about being fat

clothes that fit me...just last month, not 4 years ago...are not comfortable

so there is action that needs to be taken

but this time, the finish line looks a little different...and maybe, a bit more attainable?

Merry Christmas

SLOSHED

It would be so much easier if I was an alcoholic...or even a drug user
for some reason it seems more acceptable to me to say I hit the bar tonight during happy hour and had 4 long island iced teas in an hour and a half

Or that I went to a killer party this weekend and shared a knot

but I don't do that
what I do is the same
it's as destructive
and completely over the top

but it's food
and for some reason that makes me feel like the dreggs of society
the worst of the worst
i mean it's food...just stop
how can you be SO gross

Drugs and alcohol are so socially acceptable
but eating is not...just ask Kirstie Allie
she's on the cover of one of those grocery store tabloids looking bigger than ever
I saw her when I purchased my chocoloate chip yo yo cookie sandwich
don't know what that is
it's 2 chocolate chip cookies dipped like a brown and white cookie, with disgustingly sweet cream filling between them like a sandwich

I ate the whole thing
AFTER I ate a #6 meal from taco bell

WHY
WHY
WHY?!?!?
JOAN's revenge?
because I have a meeting tonight at work that has turned into a potluck full of things I can't eat (pshaw right...did you read what I just ate...trust me it wuddn't gluten free)
because of the shit with my dad's truck
because I got "caught being good" at work
because because because?

I was sooo afraid when i thought about blogging this...more people, closer people, even my hub read my blog now
but i'm typing anyway..JOAN is sitting on my desk swinging her leg, inspecting her nails waiting for me to 'stop this foolishness'

I had no voice
my brain wanted to call someone and say "PLEASE HELP I"M ABOUT TO EAT"
but I couldn't
my fingers wouldn't let me
and my mind wouldn't stop me from going through the checkout
and eating, rather than just throwing it all away even though I already bought it

I feel so gross
I feel dizzy
I can't concentrate
it's like a bad buzz or morning after hangover
and I don't like it

I'm afraid of the comments
but more afraid of staying like this forever
so I'm blogging
eventually I'll find my voice
and someday, I won't get sloshed anymore

I love myself...and someday soon I'll know how to show myself that love
it starts by hitting "publish post"

photo credit

The First Cut is the Deepest

the jeans are gone

and another pair of pants i've always wanted to wear
they will be part of a quilt, that will keep us warm...much more nourishing
it wasn't as hard as I thought
only the size 8's ...the one pair I saved
the rest I grew out of
hub made it through 3 pairs before I got through that one
but I did it

thanks hub

photo credit

Morning after...

Opened my eyes this morning and there was JOAN
'You know dear, you really don't need that pitiful group. I mean really, reading aloud from a book writen AGES ago like a group of kindergarteners...although you were the best reader there, such inflection and affect to your voice'

"I'm not listening to you, I'm sleeping"

'Your alarm has gone off dear, it IS time to wake up and besides, what I'm telling you is important. You are much too smart for this, honestly if this God stuff was going to work don't you think it would've already. You just need to listen to me, obviously I know how to do it...just look at me. Babetta, this remedial, repetetive, bunk is for the birds! Did you SEE the class of people in that room...idiots! All of them! You, my dear could run rings around of the whole lot of them you have NOTHING in common with those people don't bring yourself down to their stupor!

"My name is Babetta and I"m a compulsive overeater"

'O GAWD would you stop being so dramatic! And get out of bed already your alarm went off hours ago'

"It went off 5 minutes ago, now who's being dramatic?"

'Don't speak to me that way! And besides, remember how upset your family was when you got home late, they were hungry and waiting for you, how could you be so selfish, you have responsibilities you know'

"Shut-up JOAN"

'You know he was upset, it was in the tone of his voice'

"We've already spoken about that, without YOU, so you can Shut-up now"

'Like saying that to me ever works, dear...you really should get up now. Get yourself ready for work, we'll discuss this meeting later'

"There's nothing to discuss"

'I said we'll talk about it later'

"What'd you say? I should Join O A Now?"

'Don't get smart with me'

"I'm already smart...remember?"

*photo credit
p.s.
There is part of me that agrees with her
I did internally roll my eyes and think "how juvenile" this seems during the meeting at least once if not twice...
But if I AM so damn smart...well then why hasn't it worked by now. I'm smart enough to know I need help...and I did relate with at least one other person there...and I had enough in common with everyone else.
I'm going back. Partially because I need to, and partially because JOAN doesn't want me to...
I am not JOAN,
she is not me
and the more I do that she wouldn't do
...the further apart we'll be!

Meeting

Went to an OA meeting tonight
JOAN kept trying to talk me out of it but I had already decided I was going
My heart raced as I rode the elevator down a level
I anxiously looked at each of the door markers to find the right room

I finally did and walked the seemingly ridiculously long hallway into the room

There was one man sitting there (he looked like retro-devil)

"Is this the OA meeting?"
"I don't know, I'm here for an HOA meeting..."

My heart sank
I wandered back down the forever long hallway to the room agenda posting
7pm - 8pm Overeater's Anonymous - Bradford room
...in rushed JOAN
See, you're not supposed to be here, how stupid of you to think this would work
Well, lucky for you because you were just going to be surrounded by a bunch of loser cry-babies and you're too good for that...

I breathed, deeply
I looked at the pictures on the bulletin board
I peeked into the other rooms
Then I decided that since devil man didn't even know if he was in the right room, we could both go wait in the wrong room together...
So I waited...
He started talking about HOA stuff, purple houses and bad lawns
I just waited

I was in the right room
The facilitator was late...but several other folks showed up
JOAN talked the whole meeting long
"Oh my GOD would she stop blabbering"
"Look, see, you're not as fat as them, you don't need to be here'
"Oh GEEZ you KNOW all this higher power stuff"
"Really, we're all gonna read aloud from the Big Book...come on Babetta this is beneath even YOU"

Then it came time to share
So far...admittedly I'd really been tuned into JOAN
I made eye contact with people when they talked
I TRIED to pay attention to them...but JOAN had my ear.

Then someone said it
"My name is Mary* and I'm a compulsive overeater"
"Hi Mary"

My heart skipped a beat
She said that out loud

I listened to other people share
knowing I had to say something
JOAN just kept reminding me that I was new and no one wanted to hear what I had to say

"My name is Babetta and I'm a compulsive overeater" *lip quiver and a bit of a tear*
"I think I just needed to say that out loud"

I shared a little bit more and I leaked some tears

JOAN is still talking to me
telling me it's not the right place for me and all the reasons why
I think I'll go back...just because she hates it so much

photo credit
*name changed

JOAN started talking a few minutes ago...

JOAN: Your 20 year reunion is in July

Me: yeah so

J: you can't go looking the way you do, you can't go

Me: everyone else is gonna look 37 too

J: You'll be 38. You need to start exercising and dieting now or you'll never make it. You have to wear those jeans in your drawer.

Me: Actually I think I'll throw those jeans away, or better yet, I'll cut them up for the quilt I'm making

J: No you want to wear those again and I can help you

Me: Yeah, I do want to wear them again...but not if it means letting you, and them, make my decisions for me

J: We'll see

Me: Yes JOAN, you will see

Thank you for my card...

Yesterday was a hard day

my therapy homework ripped open some new thoughts and feelings

our finances are a challenge right now

and our family unit is being yanked around

generally stuff that just feels ucky...

So I took the time to open all of our Christmas cards saving the best one for last

(because I recognized the shape and size AND the handwriting

...a dead Santa give-away)

It wasn't a Christmas Card

It was better

JOAN hated it

I cried

I love you :)

Good Girl/Bad Girl

comments are open...01/01/10
(stream-of-consciousness therapy homework....author's side-note: this post will be closed to comments until AFTER my next therapy session 12/21...I could analyze the heck out of this list but that's not part of my homework yet so no analytics...just emptying of the brain...I'm not sure if I'm done brain vomiting yet, but it's what I have for now)

Good Girls are...

blonde haired blue eyed pink lipped and cute

they always brush their hair and teeth and have on clean clothes that match

Good girls clean their rooms and make their beds and always say please and thank you and offer to help.

They are the best mommies to their baby dolls

They speak in quiet voices and have the cutest laugh

Good girls do their homework and write neatly

Good girls always help the teacher and offer to help their classmates

Good girls uniforms are neatly pressed and their shoes are neat and always look new

Good girls listen to wholesome music and watch family tv

Good girls go to bed on time and always say their prayers

Good girls care about your feelings and help you solve your problems

Good girls have lots of friends and everyone likes them but they don't have big heads

Good girls sing and dance and speak very well.

Good girls have perfect grammar.

Good girls get the best grades in school and are known and loved by all the teachers and administrators; they always go above and beyond what is requested of them.

Good girls join all the clubs and offer to stay late and come in early. They wear modest clothes that are in style from the latest stores. Good girls volunteer and are nice to kids that no one else is nice to.

Good girls focus on their grades and get into good schools

Good girls date good boys and only date in groups or with a chaperone

Good girls save themselves for marriage

Good girls are humble wives

Good girls are good moms who never yell or spank their children. Their children are well behaved and well groomed and their families are very handsome families.

You can always spot the good girl's home because it has beautiful curb appeal and a welcoming porch; the flowers in the garden are always in season but she never lets you see the dirt under her nails. The good girl hosts the most beautiful parties; her house smells delicious and the lighting and decor are warm and inviting. She never looks as though she's lifted a finger and yet each guest is attended to and the kids are all occupied. A good girl's house is clean even when you drop by unexpected and she always looks put together even in her 'bummin around clothes.' Good girls talk to their moms (and inlaws) and sisters nearly daily, send thank you notes and holiday cards on time and never forget anyone's birthday. Good girls know their neighbors and help them when they are out of town or under the weather. They know all the neighborhood kids and all their student's classmates and is the favorite 'room mom.' Her kids all give her hugs and kisses before bed and say thank you at meal time for a good meal.

A good girl always desires and is desired by her husband. She never yells and when she does disagree she shares her thoughts in the right voice at the right time. She understands that her husband works hard and needs his play time too. She keeps the house neat and the meals tasty.

A good girl never complains

A good girl always prays

A good girl always smiles but is good at catching the tears of others

A good girl takes care of her health and her body, her skin and make-up are flawless, her hair is flowing and her body is in shape and modest.

A good girl always tries to find the solution and is constantly figuring out what do do next

A good girl never falls apart...she ALWAYS holds it together

A good girl can never be this good and she knows it...she secretly longs for the "bad boy" or the night out or to be able to yell and scream at the top of her lungs. She wants someone to come and "take it all away" She wants to go out late with the girls (but she doesn't have any) and not worry about the house...ever. She doesn't want to think about bills she just wants a knight in shining armor to come and take it all away and dote on her like her imaginary princes did when she was young.

The Bad girl is already snickering

The Bad girl talks back, she swears and doesn't make eye contact unless she's saying something hurtful.

The bad girl has stains on her shirt and yesterday's socks and doesn't care

The bad girl would rather jump out of trees with the boys than play house with the girls

The bad gril NEVER cleans her room and she constantly has to be reminded to do her chores

The bad girl sneaks out of her house, lies, steals and cheats and thinks its no big deal...she never sits like a lady and hates wearing 'girly' clothes.

The bad girl breaks the house rules and talks on the phone way past her allowed time. She sneaks out and she covers her tracks so she doesn't get caught

The Bad girl brings a change of clothes in her bag so she doesn't get caught wearing what she's not supposed to. She smokes cigarettes, does drugs and drinks.

She rolls her eyes and talks back to her parents and has an attitude every time they ask her to do something.

She can be sweet to teachers and bosses but at home she is a nightmare.

The Bad girl has sex too young and with too many people and doesnt even really like it

She leaves home as soon as she can.

She's in and out of college if she ever goes at all just like she's in and out of relationships.

She dresses any way she chooses, sometimes slummy sometimes slutty but knows how to turn on the charm when it suits her.

The Bad girl has multiple sex partners and multiple relationships...and the 2 are not mutually exclusive.

The bad girl stands up for herself, she speaks up, sometimes loudly, when she disagrees with someone.

The bad girl is not afraid of confrontation, in fact she thrives on it

The bad girl is loud and boisterous, and likes her liquor and smells of cigarettes. She isn't afraid to be sexually forward in public.

The Bad girl knows how to be a good mom but sometimes chooses not to be. She doesn't alwasy shop for groceries and "on your own" dinners because "there's food in the house" are some of her favorite phrases and laundry can take over the bed room floor...clean OR dirty

The bad girl doesn't like to plan or be forced into a schedule

She does what she wants when she wants to, talks the way she wants to talk, dresses however she damn well pleases and doesn't have to listen to anyone.

She likes the idea of marriage but doesnt NEED to be married

She has a crowd of people she hangs with, but no real close friends

The bad girl has no connection with her family except when it's necessary

She yells at her kids and calls them names and is critical of everything they do

She's two faced to neighbors and teachers and a bitch behind closed doors

The bad girl goes against the grain and does things most people find socially unacceptable  and has her whole life so these socially unacceptable things get more and more apparent with age.

Bad girls don't solve problems, they just drop them

Admission

Tonight we worked on Bm's geography project as a fam... we recreated the Hanging Gardens of Babylon in Cake.
It was a great night
Seeing all of our ideas come together for the completed project was awesome! We played Christmas carols and everyone chipped in (#1son decided he wanted to stay at his mom's this week that's another post)...

I asked my fam to help me stay away from the frosting
see...tubs of frosting are not safe for me
I will eat the whole thing
not just a finger-ful or spoonful...but whatever is left in the plastic tub and I'll lick it clean
Frosting has always been a binge food
Frosting with peanut butter...look out

I know there have been times I've tried to bury it in the garbage only to dig it out hours later

So I said that I couldn't be near it
even admitted that I've been known to eat an entire tub
and whatever is left has to go down the disposal

You know what...my family didn't flinch
they didn't say "YOU EAT TUBS OF FROSTING!?!?!? HOW GROSS!"
They just said okay
helped me not even get a smidge on my fingers to lick (and thus start the craving)
and went on with the project.

When all was said and done, the excess went down the disposal and that was it
No judging, no frowning, no shameful looks, no disgust
Just support
I just realized that as I sat here to type this...pretty cool!

I couldn't believe I actually admitted it
I'm glad I did

Watching my Eating Disorder

My father has been in the hospital since the day before Thanksgiving.
Last night he was transferred to a rehabilitation facility to help him regain his strength and receive physical therapy and hopefully transition back home.

A few days ago he was okay with this idea, he agreed that he could not live in his trailer in his condition and was not strong enough to live on his own.

Last night, he was NOT okay with the idea.
I joke that it is because he had a male intake nurse and he thrives on flirting and joking with his nursing staff (really a psychological coping mechanism)

At 2:40 this morning...after working until 11 and not getting home until midnight, I received an ANGRY (all caps) text from Dad demanding to go home right away.
I ignored it

So at 3:10am I received a not so angry (regular text) text from Dad demanding to go home right away.

At 8am I told him I couldn't bring him home because "I have to work, If I don't go to work, I lose my job"

At 9am he said..."Okay honey, have a good day, love Dad"

arrrrrgh

then it hit me
My dad has not been allowed free range with food since the day before Thanksgiving.
Like me, his coping mechanism is food, eating whatever and whenever he wants.
He's been eating "good" while in the hospital...always mentioning that he orders a fruit cup at every meal and reminding me that he doesn't even finish his whole plate...like it's a badge of honor.

He's good in front of people, and FEEDS when he's alone
He hasn't been able to FEED
He doesn't have any other coping strategies
He's tweaking.

I understand Daddy
I've never been refused my drug of choice
I would tweak too
I'm not sorry you are where you are...I know you will be better because of it
I am sorry there is no professional help for you psychologically so you can understand WHY you are tweaking.
I know you don't want to understand
I know you just want to be home with your apple fritters and the chair you cannot get out of alone without pain
I know that THAT pain is more comfortable than the fear you have now
I understand Daddy
and I love you.

I said it before...

but I'm saying it again ... here... so I can find it when I want it
Original post Oct 27, 2009 here.
Unfortunately, the collective blog has faded...

Today (whatever number it is, its just another day in the process)
I'm glad to be here again (although I've always lurked) and I agree with the masses that having a place to share is good therapy...but only if its honest sharing and there is a comprehensive goal to sharing at the conclusion...or the first mile marker (month 1 ...or 2, or 2 thousand as it may be for some of us).

See, I'm not sure the ONLY point to a blog like this is to keep us "honest" or find camaraderie...for me anyway, maybe we can find a common pattern, maybe from that common pattern we can begin to find real life solutions.

My personal life journey has taught me that western medicine and medicinal thought does not always hold all the answers (mostly because they don't even bother to listen to the questions) so we can join as soujourners, learning as we go.

If we're just here to commiserate and gripe...then we're missing out on half of the journey, and perhaps the most imporatant part...what CAN we learn what's the feedback from our perceived failure?

I say perceived because we can't learn from it if we don't experience the failure...and if we keep experiencing it (over and over and OVER and over and over) then there's obviously a life lesson we're missing

It may not (and very well might not) be the same for all of us...but the journey and exegesis of the lessons will probably follow a similar path so rather than just join...let us BAND together through the process.

Honestly, I'm not quite sure what this means our blog has to look like (has to is the wrong choice of words but i'm just flowin here so go with me...Karen knows I have a thing for runonsentences)

Maybe this means we need to include (or attach somewhere) some statistics of our days...not just emotions but intake so we can see how they relate
we can find common triggers
we can compare symptoms
we can come up with REAL LIFE solutions
because really...
do any of us just want to continue our "do overs" each month hoping that THIS will be the month?
I don't...I want to see change...and that doesn't necessarily have to be in the size of my clothing, although it would be nice
I'm working on acceptance and recognition of my beautiful self...no matter what she looks like
I get the feeling that once this is achieved...any superfluous pieces of myself will melt away
i'm holding onto this fat for reasons other than "I eat" because even when I'm good...it doesn't want to go anywhere...

so my goal for today
"It's not about being good or bad...it's about understanding why"

Love and peace to all

Homework

My first visit at WPF was a good one.

Turns out because I'm a student I get a reduced rate...which means I can afford a visit every other week without going over budget. A nice gift from the Universe!

I mentioned to my counselor that I was thinking about trying on an OA meeting and after answering a few intake questions, she agreed that it might be a good idea...to see how it feels and if any of the information resonates well. My plan is to do that on alternating weeks.

I treated myself to a new journal for this journey

which I absolutely LOVE (thank you Borders for the 30% off coupon!)

It will hold my thoughts and my homework throughout the process...

My first homework assignment is to list all the weight loss methods/programs/attempts I can remember listing whether or not they were successful.

Well, none of them were successful...but you know what I mean.

I'm 3 pages into my list 

3 PAGES of SINGLE LINE ENTRIES!

Stuff I remember from as far back as 10 years old...

Although this doesn't surprise me...I definitely notice that even when I have been "successful" with my weight loss attempts, I never FELT successful at the time

What I'd give now to be where I was 2 years ago, and 2 years ago, I thought I was fat.

I may have binged on a bag of baby carrots...which is ultimately better than a box of Little Debbie's ...but it was still a binge

So...to date, there has been no such thing as a successful weight loss attempt because success is not measured in actual weight lost.

White Picket Fences

Today I have a counseling appointment.I know, I've done this before but when I look back on my experiences with "the young one," she never gave me what I asked for. I specifically wanted to work on cognitive behavioral techniques that focused on my eating disorder....because that's what I have. I am a compulsive overeater.
We worked on some emotional issues and such
but we never focused on my eating disorder
i'm even willing to work on BOTH simultaneously
but nope, not ever a word about my food issues

So this time it's going to be different
today is my "getting to know you session" at White Picket Fences (I just got the 'meaning' of that name).
I've already had an in depth conversation with my counselor about my needs and my focus for therapy.
I need to learn how to Say.No.To.JOAN.

I am succeeding!

PINK!

It totally caught her by surprise
this switching has become her norm
and today...
she noticed she's reached her first goal!
time to head to the Bath and Body works and pick up her PINK!

I learn a lot from her
she didn't obsess
she wasnt meticulous
she enjoyed the process
and...
she's not glowing any more brightly than she was BEFORE she noticed :)

The art of conversation...

of good conversation
is to have no vested interest in the outcome
to be able to say what needs to be said
and hear what needs to be heard without manipulating the resolution

that's hard when you DO care about what MIGHT happen because of your conversation
but i'm learning that it's more important to have SAID it than whatever might happen because it was SAID

it's more important to me
because I eat when I should talk

I need to talk today
because I need to be heard
not because I need you to do something
if you do something because of my words it is because you chose to do so, not because I said so
the words i have to say could be misconstrued
but that is not because i meant them that way
it is because that is the way they were heard

i am not anticipating an outcome
i need to say these words
they are not judging, accusing or condescending words
they are words i have to say
and they are words you need to hear
because we are in relationship
we relate
we commune

we live
we love
we forgive and never give up
'cause the days we are given are gifts from above
and today we remember to live and to love (superchic[k])

I eat when I have to talk

I have to tell the hub that he has to finish the porch
The porch has been in a state of disrepair for at least 2 weeks (really longer...but 2 weeks ago is when the construction started)

It's bothered me since my gluten melt down.
Construction started, new stairs are built, but the railing hasn't been put up to block off the old stairs and there are still scraps of lumber in the yard and I hate it
It's definitely NOT what I like to see when I come home (especially after a 9.5 hr day)
So I ate today
I haven't binged in about 2 months so I was hyper aware of it
A family meal over the summer showed me that I eat when I have to talk, I'm sure it's so I can stuff the words back down.
So, when he gets home from skating tonight
or sometime tomorrow (if he gets home too late tonight)
I'll say, "Hon, I need you to finish the porch."

I have a feeling since I typed it that way, that's the way I need to say it
Not "can we work on the porch this Sunday"
Not "you know hon I've realized that when I eat it's because I need to say something so I think the thing I need to say is that the porch is really bugging me coz it's not done"
Not "treat the porch like a job and put it on your calendar"

Just "Hon, I need you to finish the porch"

Amen

Gluten turns off my filter

I should have realized it when my eyebrows starting itching...I mean what kind of weird twitch is that anyway.

I started feeling sensory overload...
my skin...everything itched or tingled
my eyes...everything was too bright, the tv, the sun, the glare off the picture
my ears...everything was too loud, the tv, the a/c, the crinkling of the Popsicle wrapper, the sound of the dog breathng

And everything was getting my last nerve. The ladder and compressor in the living room. The sleeping bag that has been sitting by the door for way too many days. The paper "crap" that covers the end table, the dog hair on the floor the dust bunnies in the corners, the clothes that are not folded and the things that just effin need to be put away

my little devil walked over to the other shoulder and drop kicked my little angel into next week and the first person who said something to me was gonna get it. SHIT I was getting to the point where no one needed to say a word, I was ready to share more than one piece of what was on my mind with one person whether they wanted to hear it or not.

I totally feel it when it rises up on me...I'm starting to notice that my physical twitches are the warning sign, which is good...for those closest to me and to myself...not so much for the weeds in the garden

So I slammed around on the porch for a while because I'm tired of it being a handyman staging area
I swept and de-cobwebbed, organized the tools and threw out the crap, pruned the dead or dying leaves and brushed off the furniture.

When I have no control over how I feel or FEEL like I have no control over what might come out of my mouth, I have to take control of something. I took control over the weeds in the garden and of my tongue. The strawberries never made it this year, and once I noticed that, I just let the grass take over again...I took it back and with each pull, I reminded myself that the words that I was feeling in my head were not really ones I would say (I wonder if this is what Tourrete's feels like) and even if they were (because some of the thoughts were valid) The WAYS in which I was wanting to say them were definitely not ways I would've said them.

I had to remind myself that I was not feeling myself
In every sense of the word,
not feeling right in my own skin
not feeling emotionally like myself
and not understanding where any of it was coming from

I remember these feelings coming on me like waves in the past
Carrying me for days
weeks
months
and crying because I didn't understand

It was my hub who noticed
he came outside and waited for me to notice him
he said "Babe, do you think you ate something"

A light
omygodyoureright
this is exactly how i used to feel

he said "we haven't been very careful these past couple of days"
burgerkingeventhoughiwatchedthempreparemyfood
yup
this is exactly how i used to feel

I kept on yanking grass from what used to be my strawberry patch
I had decided I was going to do that until I felt enough control over my mouth
So many great things have happened communication-wise in our house and I wasn't going to screw it up

When I came back in I told my kids that my nice filter is not engaged
if I say something out of turn or out of tone, call me out and know now that I don't mean it (but I'm not using that as an excuse).

I don't want them to tiptoe around me
but they do need to know that I won't be as nice if it's the 2nd day in a row I've asked them to put away their cup or pick their socks up off the floor

I hate not feeling like myself
like I'm outside of myself or worse yet, that I'm STUCK inside of myself
I wonder if this is me readying my self to transform...readying to be more spirit and less human
For now, I'm still fully engaged in this human experience
and I want my filters back

As I sit here thinking...

I find it interesting that I haven't had any real body image issues lately
Yeah last night someone I hadn't seen in at least 6 months said I looked great and I brushed it off
but now that I think about it...I really haven't had any downer thoughts lately.
This morning while getting ready for the game I opted for capri's instead of shorts but I think that was motivated by my assumption that the day was going to be cooler than usual AND I hadn't shaved yet. Yes...the cottage cheese on my thighs were the tipping point toward capris but it was just a factor...not a dwelled-upon thought.

she's proud

Mini me and I started calorie shifting last week
part of the program reminds us that "the scale lies, trust your size"
but...there is something about seeing the numbers go down when you're trying something new
I asked her on Friday if she wanted to weigh herself...she said no
last night (yesterday was our load up day) after our "cheat meal" she says okay...I'm gonna go weigh myself
I cut her off at the pass
said...hrmm not best to do it at night, especially NOT right after eating
so this morning...she did it
stepped on the scale and
*holding my breath* she's proud...she lost 2 pounds :)
She set some goals and rewards for herself...LOVES this new fragrance at B & B Works in the "pink" line and decided after 5 more lbs...she's treating herself (or I'm treating her *smile*) to some perfume

Me...I'm down 5
woot woot

flipping the switch, turning over a new leaf, kick starting my engine

Bm and I started skinny switch-ing this week. It's a program based on calorie shifting and so far we feel pretty good. It's a mega amount of food so hunger hasn't been an issue. There are "cheat days" built in, so cravings haven't been an issue. The meal plans are based on our favorite foods so eating yucky stuff hasn't been an issue. I have yet to face a "feel the need to binge" moment so I'm not sure what will happen there...but so far so good. The mantra of the skinny switch guru is "the scale lies, trust your size" so we'll see what's up in about a week. Woops, I just remembered I wasn't supposed to tell anyone we were sinny switching for 2 weeks...but then again, none of you cyber friends can SEE me so it won't be like you'll be able to make an unsolicited comment about how great we look.

I'm proud of Bm...this meal planning and preparing has showed her some of the deficits in her regular eating habits, and some of the places where excess sneaks in ...so it will be a good re-tooling of her habits. Mine too for that matter.

So when I mentioned the whole  I don't know what will happen during a binge moment thing earlier...a thought came to mind...I usually suffer "hand to mouth" disease because there's something (a word or a feeling) I need to let out but don't want to so I bury it under food... Well, as of late, I've felt very comfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings...even the uncomfortable ones...even with those closest to me whose responses and reactions make me feel the most vulnerable (damn I had a hard time figuring out how to correctly finish that statement...)

So maybe the emotional binging will subside for a while

I know I still suffer the hormonal binging...like clockwork at least one day during my ovulation days and once or twice during my menstrual cycle I eat like there is NO tomorrow.

It would be nice to figure out those ebbs and flows

And while I'm not being a nay-sayer, just stating the facts...I usually have ONE good week a month where it is easy to be mindful of what I put in my mouth....this COULD be that week which is why Switching has been easy

But then again...maybe not

really...a whole-friggin-lot of good food so there's no way I could be hungry

Heck, I can't even eat it all!

Tonight's dinner is even leftover night because even the "family" portion-sized recipes are too much for our family.

This week has had it's shares of ups and downs

my favorite part...spending time in the kitchen with my hub

whether he's cutting veggies for our stir-fry while I'm packing lunch

or he is recounting his day while I empty the dishes...it's been fun couple time

and I love it :)

Of course, it was UBER nice to come home from work the other day to find ALL the laundry folded, the dishes done and dinner marinating in the fridge :)

We're getting back to basics

Life is better when it's simple

We just need to figure out how simple we need to be

Tis a Gift to be simple :)

back in the saddle again

okay back on the treadmill again
which doesn't mean i'm sitting
but there's not a song about being back on a treadmill again
or maybe there is who knows
the point is
I ran today :)
it felt good
i sweat
and I ran :)

stuck with nothing i can do....

so i'm at work
i'm only allowed to have my phone on 10 minutes each hour during breaks
it messes with our phones
and go figure it really does because I accidentally left mine on and it totally effed up my call so go figure

so
during my last break
i text the hub
his ex gave him court papers
and i don't know what that means
because he said it's too much to text and he'd see me when I get home
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh
it's hard to work with that running in the back of my mind

If she's pulling a custody thing
i know she will fail
we are good parents
and she won't have a leg to stand on
but i know it totally rocks my hub's world
and he's probably into a bottle of rum because of it
which efs up his medicine
which just turns everything upside down
oh yeah, did i mention he's an eeyore
so whether I come at him with Tigger Pooh...or even the reasonable even keeled Kanga, this is gonna put him in a funk

So i'm praying
I started an hour ago
and I'm not gonna stop
maybe when I get home he'll be fine
and this will not have phased him
and he won't let her get to him
because just today he realized every time he lets her get to him...she wins
That's the outcome I'm putting out into the universe :)

As for our kids
life has been so great lately
I can't see anything changing
okay so maybe we're not bringing in the paychecks we were a year ago
but we're not suffering
maybe we don't go out to eat as much
and we stay home rather than going to the movies
but you know, life has actually been better
Yahtzee nights are my FAVE
and all of us are talking...yes all of us, even the 14 year old
so I can't really see any court being mad because we have
a chore chart, a dinner list, go to church on Sundays, have set bed times and set "no more phone" times
we have a family game night and everyone has to fold his or her own laundry

I'm thinking we're okay
I'm just praying my hub feels that way too
because I love him and it hurts my heart to see him heartbroken
and fearful that he'll lose his kids

so toss a prayer up there too :)

for e's mama

you can comment at will now
no more fun word-verification games
:)

shit on my brain

my hub interviewed for a job today
he wasn't even looking for a job
it sorta found him
so we figured...why not?
The interview went well
the drive home did not
issues with the ex
so he's in a bad mood
figures I picked NOW to exert my "don't let myself get trampled on" energy and
very plainly and non-defensively/offensively said "i didn't appreciate that look"
yeah okay so it looks snottier when i typed it but really, it didn't come out that way
so now it's reallllllly quiet here

i think my daughter has aspberger's syndrome
i've thought it for at least a year
my brother agrees with me
he was actually surprised (and relieved) to hear me mention it because he was afraid to bring it up because he knows i don't like labels
but he has suspected the condition for a while too

it's weird that the whole reason i decided to transition into a new job is for the money
weird that i said the "proverbial straw vs camel's back" was our economic situation
weird that right after i transition to a better financial situation
a job seeks out my hub

I believe in divine providence
and if the new job IS to be
well the fact that I can work from 8 to 2ish 5 days a week makes it easier to juggle the kids extra-curricular activities while my hub entertains clients for dinner
and oddly enough, i'm okay with that as long as we are intentional about making time for each other

my boobs are sore
and my belly is big
so where is the p'day already?
it's too early to say i'm late..coz it's just one day
but i thought about it
since I'm NEVER late
and it's not something that's possible since the hub was snipped before we wed

yeah so if ever this was a no holds barred blog
i guess tonight is one of those nights
just useless ramble to get it off my brain
but it's all on my brain and all causing me stress of one sort or the other

i'm walking on the outside edges of my feet lately
which as really f'd up my IT band and TFL
my massage therapist BARELY touched me today and there were times I wanted to cry

we can't figure out which came first, the outside edge of the feet walking or the IT/TFL problems
whichever...it all needs to stop

However, amidst all this shit on my brain
I juiced
and packed good lunch for work
wasn't even the least bit tempted by all the crap food provided at work
that's pretty cool :)

aw heck I'll just put it here

I didn't want to

the whole way driving home from Tampa (yes, I got a frosty and a small fry), I was contemplating how tired I was and how I really didn't feel like breaking out the treadmill...

But, the whole way TO Tampa this morning I listened to several versions of "Couch to 5k" podcasts to find the one that would motivate me the most.

I think I've decided on a combination of all 3 podcasts I DL'd from iTunes. I have to hit the treadmill 3 times a week so I'll just alternate options so I don't get bored.

So today was my first day...I actually did ALL the intervals except for the very last running interval and felt pretty good. If someone had been there yelling at me, I may have done the final interval too...but I did get a wee bit nauseous during my after session stretch so I probably did a good job listening to my body.

Heck...I didn't think I'd make it near as far as I did

I thought for sure I'd have to quit half way through

I thought for sure I'd have to do more walking than jogging during the faster intervals...but I didn't :)

So I'll have to find a local 5k to participate in as a goal and celebration

and maybe this potato will be ready for a bikini

week not quite from hell so what the hell?

This is transition week for me
I'm phasing out of my old job and into a new one
so i guess technically...it could be considered a week from hell
I'm working nights at the new place
a couple of days at the old place...which really isn't old, just less
and the kiddo is still home from school so there's that mom stuff that has to be tended to as well so my schedule is super out of whack

and I started the week with an out of whack hip
it's slowly getting better

but i haven't run but once this week
i'm looking forward to next week ...home during the day with no kids
so i can get back into a routine
the week AFTER That is golden because I finally move into my regular schedule
i did the nights thing for the kids
now it's time for mom!

I think it's time to start my period again
omg the other day i felt and looked 3 months preggo
my boobs...lets' not even talk about how sore they are
my hair for some reason...looks AMAZING..i'll take it
and I'm eating
not so much today
which is weird
but the past few days
and i know it was emotional eating
but I'm not emotional
so hormonal eating?
i dunno

i'm just ready for Monday
tonight I ...
work til 11
will get home around 11:30
will finally fall asleep around 12:30
have to get no later than 8am and finish packing my bag
pack the bananas
pack the parent information
pick up the Bm's Bff at 9am
get to the football field for Jamboree by 10:30am
book check at 11
first game at 12
HOPEFULLY the game is over by 1 or 1:30
then off to the resort at the parks to finally let Bm cash in on her Birthday night
praying the girls will just wanna swim the rest of the day away
i don't even care what my ass looks like in a suit I'm bringing my book and parking myself in a lounge chair while they swim
Sunday I know they wanna hit the park
drop the bff back home by 4pm on Sunday
get home and get acclimated with the fam so the
KIDS CAN START SCHOOL THE NEXT DAY
OMG what a weekend!!!!!

now I'm laughing coz i'm sure MY BFF will be reading this (since she's not allowed to Flickr) and she's setting her sights on a better next week too!
THERE now we can both hold one another accountable :)

I missed my run today

This is my honestly blog right
so honestly
I missed my run today
i didnt skip it intentionally
it lost out to the nap i sorely needed before working a long shift tonight
tried to work last night without a nap...it didn't turn out so hot for me

yeah...I chose to work nights this week so i can be home with the kiddo during her last week of summer break, but i didn't think far enough ahead to plan on waking up early too...hrmph
tomorrow is a jam packed day so I can't even get in a make up run
it'll have to be thursday
which means I'll probably have to spend an extra week on this particular podcast
which is okay because i built in extra weeks before my 5k just in case i needed more time to step up
and I'm not going to beat myself up over it
i didn't NOT exercise because I didn't want to
which is more than I can say for past attempts :)

I finally brought my own food to the center
there's a bunch of crap here
thankfully i can't eat most of it because of the gluten
but the reese's clusters have called my name the past few nights
actually...i called their name, they were just sitting in a bowl

so i brought my stuff tonight
feels good to nourish myself the right way! gotta remember that

success

I lost 2.5 pounds this week!
I started week 3 of my couch to 5k and didn't die the first time I tried it
I love when that happens...when I can do the first day of a week's routine and make it through...it lets me know the rest of the week is doable, and I need doable things right now.

I'm spending time naked
okay I hesitated to type that
but it's true
naked, doing things in the room, folding laundry mostly
but being comfortable in my skin

The Real Me

I am Divine

Spirit teaches me that love is unconditional

to all, for all even if not always by all

I live this

I breathe this

I do all that I can to embody this

but I hate my body

I put conditions on my body

i put conditions on myself

I love God and feel Spirit move through me

Spirit is in me

Spirit is me

so if I hate myself

I hate Spirit

which is the antithesis of all that i believe

all that i am all that i teach all that is fluid in me

My core belief crumbles when facing the mirror

for today can i love myself the way that God loves me?

for today i can love myself the way that God loves me

for today i can find value in all that i am

not who i am because i already value my who

but "that" i am

it's the physical parts that get compartmentalized

in this fluid organic Spirit that I embody, that I love, that I preach, that I live... I lock away the part of me that needs this Spirit the most

i love the person who cuts me off in traffic

i love the person who turns her nose up at my tattoos

i love the child who is being belligerent

i love the spouse who searches for answers in the alphabet store

i love the parent who knows best

i love the co-worker who never gets it right

i love the bill collector who harrasses me

i love the neighbor who judges me

i love the person in the seat next to me who smells bad and talks too loud

i love the person who hates me

i love the me who hates me

i'm working on that last one

i'm calling all Spirit to guide me

raise my consciousness and help me see the beauty in this body

this body that is called to do so much

this body that is the vessel of my Divine Spark

this body that serves an ultimate purpose right here, right now, every day and every day on

this body that is screaming to be loved

this body that is making itself more and more apparent that i might glimpse its being and value its worth

this body

my body

the body of God

the precious one

the child

the chosen

the created

the creator

the author and actor

the writer and director

an authentic self is the most personal form of worship

an authentic self is true

my self revolves around my belief

my core belief crumbles when faced with a mirror

i obviously had an issue

last night

i binged

a nutty bar

2 oatmeal cream pies

the equivalent of 2 gluten free brownies (crumbs...yes they count)

then a bowl of corn chips and queso

it was the day after my period ended

I have the remnants of a menstrual migraine that hung around all week

I couldn't explain why I was hungry

I wasnt

actually felt like I was medicating

I have my annual with the obgyn next week

she's a weight loss specialist too

i'm interested to know what she'll say

my binges definitely fall around my p-days

before and after usually

not during

but i'm still running

and still loving it

my belly is big and soft

not loving that so much

but the hub says i'm losing

suppose i should trust the hub more than the scale

because I'm still running

and still loving it

at least I know when my food issues come up

so that means I know when I have a choice

because when I binge, I feel like I have no choice (inside) even though my brain TRIES to exude a choice

so the weeks when I have some control...I'll harness it

and the weeks I don't, I'll learn

because I love me

and I'm still running

Week 2 Day 1

I was nervous this morning

I had to "kick it up a notch"

90 second running intervals

but it was actually great

again...I love the sweating part

I totally soaked my shirt

it was awesome

i did it right after my morning coffee

we WERE gonna get up and ride our bikes to the farmer's market

but no one else got up

and before my chair sucked me in and drained me of my morning

i got up, got dressed, stretched and got going

woot woot!

and to top it off...we wound up going for a bike ride today too

that was an uber teaser for me though

I LOVE to cycle ...my kids aren't that good at it and I guess I'm not good at giving directions so it was just enough to get me pumped

so i'll keep that pumped feeling and apply it some other day

my hub said he'd join me

so I'll have to make that happen

I like it when day 1 of a new week doesn't KILL me

it was still work...but I did it

that gives me the promise of a week of accomplishment to look forward to!

In other news

i keep gaining weight

my belly has gotten bigger and gushier

i'm gonna check back on it after my period is over and see if that changes

at least i'm moving aerobically for 30 minutes 3 times a week

it's a start

OHHHH and a new yoga place opened up near home

yay

The end of week One

Day 3 of Week One

Woot Woot

Today my walk pace was at or faster than my first day's run pace

and today's run pace was .7 of a mile faster than day one's run pace

I fee good

I realize one of the things I like about it

I like to sweat

It's why my yoga of choice is ashtanga

It's probably why I bask in the heat trapped in my car after it's been parked in the Florida heat all day at work...that first few minutes in the car just makes everything in me melt and feel so good.

I'm proud of myself

Today was a long day at work, followed by a team mom meeting and getting caught in the rain...twice.

I got home, said hey to the fam, visited with the hub for 5 minutes

changed into my running gear and hit the treadmill

30 minutes later I was taking in some deep stretches followed by a great scrub in the shower.

I haven't been eating well lately

I start out okay

pkg of plain grits with sliced banana

coffee with 1/4 cup of whole milk

salad from the salad bar

cup of corn chowder

bag of tropical mike and ikes and a twizzler

an iced mocha and 2 cheeseburger big bites (no bun) from 7-11

yeah...good stuff

so I could've made a healthier choice for dinner

and ditched the mike and ikes

i could've ditched my run too...but I didn't, so that will be the proud moment of the day

Day 2

Woot Woot!

Day 2 of my couch to 5k training week 1

tonight I used the "Are you there God, it's me chubby" podcast. I think I like it better than the podrunner ...not as "techno" more indie...like me :)

I ran all of my intervals tonight...woot woot

I'm using a treadmill on our porch

popped a breaker...used my walking interval to walk into the house and flip the breaker (but dammit lost track of my distance covered...grrr)

got back on in time for the next running interval and gosh darn it if it didn't happen again

okay...typically the me that I know well would've just said fuck it and called it quits

maybe even grabbed a snack before plopping onto my lazy-boy

but today's me (the one I'm just meeting) grabbed the iPod and started lapping the yard

in full view of the kids, the neighbors, the neighbor's kid (who was hanging out right outside our fence line for who knows what reason) and I just kept going...

through every interval and the walking cool down

stopped to stretch in the back yard then headed in for the "sit down" stretches (coz our grass makes my legs itchy...dang st augustine grass, it's not even florida friendly so why the heck is it the grass of choice...oops, i digress)

circled into the bedroom and caught the sight of myself in the full length mirror

me, sweaty and in my spandex capris and t-shirt

"Wow, middle aged mom butt!" You know the kind where the tops of your thighs are actually wider than your hips?

Then I contemplated whether or not 37 can be considered middle aged...probably close

THEN i realized that even IF i happen to have middle aged mom butt right now, how many middle aged mom butt spandex wearin women do you know that are willing to run around the yard in front of the neighbors

so there

:)

Susan G. Komen for the Cure Central Florida

I did it!

I registered for a race 10/25/09

woot woot

You can view my personal page and support the cause!

sigh...i still don't like shopping

I started to get frustrated today

I'm traveling next week for some employee training and used it as an excuse to pick up a couple of staples for the closet...I can wear capri's and the new employer has no issues with my leg tattoo so woo hoo! an excuse to shop.

Funny thing...I found pants FIRST

size 12's even...the 14's were saggy

I found several tops...17 I think

but I didn't like the way my arms looked in them

sigh

now is not the right time of year to find 3/4 sleeve shirts and blouses

sigh

uber frustration

almost bought a VERY cool carry on rolling suitcase instead...very bali-esque

but I really don't need one of those

we have 3 (they're just boring black not very bali but...)

so I'm home

I'm packed

I made some left over tater-tots with wing sauce and cheese

not very healthy

sigh

and no matter how many times I tell myself I wont...I'm sure I'll have some ice cream tonight too

I've not been eating huge disgustingly over done servings

but really... I don't need the ice cream

sigh

ok really? is it that time again

really?

didn't i just write about my boobs being sore and a desire to eat?

really?

okay so much for mindfull

i'm beginning to wonder if I was actually successful at being mindful or if it's just my cycle

i ALWAYS eat MUCH less the week before my boobs get sore

it's my body's way of self correcting

&*()^%&*(&$$^&!!

dammit

Great session

Have I mentioned I love my counselor

she's awesome

I'm so glad I took the plunge

tonight wasn't so much about me...well it was...but it revolved around Bm

I DO NOT want to parent out of fear

I find myself doing that whenever she and I talk about body image or food issues

Bm often asks for a sweet at night

usually it's ice cream

and I've been trying to squash that

asking her what she "really" wants

turns out she probably just really wants something sweet

she's not like me

she CAN eat just one cookie

she Can eat SOME ice cream out of the container each night and have her quart last a week

she doesn't have to have a tiny container

she has restraint

So I need to let go

if she can't have it coz I can't afford it

that's one thing

but I don't need to "police" her intake

because she doesn't have my problem

it's my problem

Funny, it's actually a routine of hers

a routine! yes she has a routine so it IS possible

(she seems to be a flighty, fly by the seat of her pants kinda kid unless it's something she is uber focused on like reading or cheering or fashion design)

So *glimmer of hope* this new intention of mine to develop some new coping skills for her Aspie symptoms just got some encouragement :)

mindfulness of what goes in (and out) of my mouth

turns out they are very intricately connected

when there is something that I need to let out of my mouth, but am reticent to (for whatever reason) the "hand to mouth" behavior happens

when I let the something out of my mouth

the "hand to mouth" behavior stops

direct connection

good to know

I'm still being mindful

this week...mindful of eating within my means

yes, I'm looking at it financially...what if I ONLY had this to eat

I'm "training" myself to find satisfaction in what I have

Like now...

tonight I had therapy after work

I knew I would have to "eat on the road"

I gave myself a $5.00 budget

stopped and bought some sushi from the grocery store (with a penny to spare!)

enjoyed my sushi before my appointment

satisfied

I'm home

there is food available

the family ate something gluten-laden, so I can't have that (yes, that was intentional)

but there are other things I could eat

But I've had my dinner

I could say I'm a little bit hungry

but in all actuality, my body is nourished (according to what it needs) and my "hunger" seems to be stemming from my mouth...not my tummy

so I will not eat

the food that is here is meant for the rest of the week

it has purpose

would we make it the rest of the week if I ate some

yeah probably

but that's not the point.

Besides...it's 10:15 and I should be readying the bed...not a plate :)

So that's what I'll do

grateful frugality

What if I ate because I had to? What if my food choices were based on what is available?

It’s easier to think about these things now given the current economic climate. It really may be that I only have $50.00 or $100.00 to buy groceries to feed my family of 5.

But it’s honestly, deep down inside, the way I want to be.
I never wanted to strip the dignity of my children growing up and wanting to order of the “adult menu”…graduating from a kids menu is a big deal… but if you’re not going to eat the food, why order it? Just because you can seems like an awfully selfish reason.

So, if what I consume at each meal is all I can “afford” it is also probably all I need. If I’m forced to be frugal with my food, might I not learn that I’m very well nourished, and fed?

I’m working on being more mindful
Mindful of what goes into my mouth (as well as what comes out of it)
(What if) we are on a fixed income and there was only so much food
I wouldn’t die
I wouldn’t suffer
Heck I’d probably save money on clothes because I could go shopping in my closet

So I’m living like a pauper
I’m reframing this thought in my mind though because although we may be struggling a bit financially, we are far from poor in the world’s standards.
So the reframing looks like this…I’m eating this much because it’s all that I need, not all that I can afford. (I guess that works no matter how thickly ones pockets are lined!)

Yes, by default I will eat less
But I’ve been doing that more lately anyway (eating less, more often…not eating more)
It may be a challenge given my dietary restrictions (gluten free doesn’t always come cheap). I think I may become more appreciative, and more present, of what and with what I eat…and “they” say when you are more present while eating…you feel the sensation of satisfaction more quickly…therefore removing the need to continue eating.
“I’m gonna enjoy these 5 bites of sandwich because they’re the only 5 bites I’m going to get…I’ll savor and taste each one”

This morning I had an egg, 2 links of sausage and half an orange with some coffee
I made myself a ham and cheese sandwich on the GF bread I baked last night, packed the other ½ orange and some cherries and a jamfrakas bar.
I ate the bar with some warm water mid morning. For lunch, I ate about ¾ of the sandwich…I wasn't hungry for any more ... haven’t had the fruit yet.
I carefully re-wrapped the rest of the sandwich…it seemed awkward, it was only ¼ of a sandwich that most people, even I a couple of weeks ago, would’ve thrown away. But it “may be all I have” so I’ll save it for when I need it.

It’s now 4:10 in the afternoon…a point in time when I’m usually stark raving mad because I’m famished (how ironic is that) and I’m quite satisfied. Really not even thinking about food except to type this entry and to realize that I still have some food in my lunch bag.

My family is having hamburger helper tonight
We received a CASEFUL of ground turkey for free from a friend who drives a truck. (a vendor left it on his truck during a delivery and didn’t want to pay to have it shipped back so they just told him to keep it). The middleson LOVES hamburger helper and I’m working on doing things for the kids that the KIDS want to do (no, I won’t prepare overly processed crap everyday but after a long day at work ..sometimes easy is good and middleson was ECSTATIC when he heard what was for dinner so I’ll take the bonus points).
I can’t eat hamburger helper…it is definitely not friendly to the GI-me so I’ll create a meal out of what we have left, being grateful that we have something I can make myself rather than grumbling because there is nothing I “want” or have the taste for.

Perhaps this exercise will help me lead with my stomach rather than my mouth J

I want my kids to be mindful of this kind of thing too…Bm, because I don’t want her to develop the mindless eating habits I did at around her age. The boys because I want them to find their identity in more than just graduating to the regular menu and buying the most expensive thing on the menu. It will be easier than when I tried to do this before…(see this is how I instinctively want to parent) when money was no object and the hub said “let them order what they want.” Maybe in having to practice frugality, we’ll find gratitude, we’ll find satiety, we’ll find nourishment in other things and yet still be fed.

nourishing myself

mmmmm fresh bread

A few weeks ago I scored a double loaf bread maker (2 1lb loaves at a time) on Craigslist for 40 bucks.

I tried it out Tuesday (at which time I didn't realize the capacity).

I got a dual loaf maker so I could make the fam regular bread and myself Gluten free bread...and so I can make bread for communion at church on Sundays. We've been trying the regular bread with a few gluten free crackers on the side...but inevitably someone dips their bread in the gluten free chalice and voila...cross contamination so I offered to make bread.

So...Tuesday night, I made bread from a mix

i didn't realize it was for a 1.5lb loaf

my maker is a 1lb loaf machine...so while it was tasty, it was waaaaay dense.

Tonight I tried again...from a mix but this time I portioned it for my maker...

yummm...with a shmear of pb and a drizzle of raw honey it was a perfect dinner (I wasn't very hungry). The hub even liked it too!

I remember when I used to avoid bread like the plague

thought for sure it would hit my hips and be the death of me

Amazing how tonight I was satisfied with the thinnest, warm slice with a transparent shmear of pb...I used to eat that stuff by the spoonfuls...large one's at that, and yes I'd double dip!

It's a nice newness.

Good For Me

A banana, a cup of coffee (mmmmm) and a string cheese

Drove to Tampa for a morning appointment

Knew the drive home would be long

picked 7-11 over McD's or BK because I knew they'd have healthier choices (that's sorta sad)

sliced apples, a hunk-0-colby jack, and a big bite, just the meat no bun

ate 2/3 of the big bite and was not interested in eating anymore (no, not because it was gross, because I was done eating)

tossed the rest out the window down the highway because my mouth would've taken "one more bite" for the flavor

another 20 minutes down the road

still not hungry, the rest will make it home to the fridge for another day

later in the day...

went the pub with my hub

ordered a kids portion of grilled chicken wings (it was perfect!)

played several games of pool and several dollars worth of songs in the jukebox (my pool playing gets better the better the music gets but dang...a dollar doesn't go far in a jukebox anymore!)

Energy meeting tonight

tried out the new bread maker and made gluten free bread to test out as an option for communion on Sundays...I think I'll make it on a different setting but it went over well with the dinner crowd.

salad, veggie pasta...spooned myself out an appropriate portion

ate my salad, and a few bites of my pasta

genuinely full

pushed the plate away

dessert consisted of fresh fruit

I took a couple of bites off the hub's plate to get the "pasta" taste cleansed from my palate

done

so...I tossed the bite and pushed away the plate

woo hoo!