8/28/09

back in the saddle again

okay back on the treadmill again
which doesn't mean i'm sitting
but there's not a song about being back on a treadmill again
or maybe there is who knows
the point is
I ran today :)
it felt good
i sweat
and I ran :)

8/27/09

stuck with nothing i can do....

so i'm at work
i'm only allowed to have my phone on 10 minutes each hour during breaks
it messes with our phones
and go figure it really does because I accidentally left mine on and it totally effed up my call so go figure

so
during my last break
i text the hub
his ex gave him court papers
and i don't know what that means
because he said it's too much to text and he'd see me when I get home
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh
it's hard to work with that running in the back of my mind

If she's pulling a custody thing
i know she will fail
we are good parents
and she won't have a leg to stand on
but i know it totally rocks my hub's world
and he's probably into a bottle of rum because of it
which efs up his medicine
which just turns everything upside down
oh yeah, did i mention he's an eeyore
so whether I come at him with Tigger Pooh...or even the reasonable even keeled Kanga, this is gonna put him in a funk

So i'm praying
I started an hour ago
and I'm not gonna stop
maybe when I get home he'll be fine
and this will not have phased him
and he won't let her get to him
because just today he realized every time he lets her get to him...she wins
That's the outcome I'm putting out into the universe :)

As for our kids
life has been so great lately
I can't see anything changing
okay so maybe we're not bringing in the paychecks we were a year ago
but we're not suffering
maybe we don't go out to eat as much
and we stay home rather than going to the movies
but you know, life has actually been better
Yahtzee nights are my FAVE
and all of us are talking...yes all of us, even the 14 year old
so I can't really see any court being mad because we have
a chore chart, a dinner list, go to church on Sundays, have set bed times and set "no more phone" times
we have a family game night and everyone has to fold his or her own laundry

I'm thinking we're okay
I'm just praying my hub feels that way too
because I love him and it hurts my heart to see him heartbroken
and fearful that he'll lose his kids

so toss a prayer up there too :)

8/25/09

for e's mama

you can comment at will now
no more fun word-verification games
:)

shit on my brain

my hub interviewed for a job today
he wasn't even looking for a job
it sorta found him
so we figured...why not?
The interview went well
the drive home did not
issues with the ex
so he's in a bad mood
figures I picked NOW to exert my "don't let myself get trampled on" energy and
very plainly and non-defensively/offensively said "i didn't appreciate that look"
yeah okay so it looks snottier when i typed it but really, it didn't come out that way
so now it's reallllllly quiet here

i think my daughter has aspberger's syndrome
i've thought it for at least a year
my brother agrees with me
he was actually surprised (and relieved) to hear me mention it because he was afraid to bring it up because he knows i don't like labels
but he has suspected the condition for a while too

it's weird that the whole reason i decided to transition into a new job is for the money
weird that i said the "proverbial straw vs camel's back" was our economic situation
weird that right after i transition to a better financial situation
a job seeks out my hub

I believe in divine providence
and if the new job IS to be
well the fact that I can work from 8 to 2ish 5 days a week makes it easier to juggle the kids extra-curricular activities while my hub entertains clients for dinner
and oddly enough, i'm okay with that as long as we are intentional about making time for each other

my boobs are sore
and my belly is big
so where is the p'day already?
it's too early to say i'm late..coz it's just one day
but i thought about it
since I'm NEVER late
and it's not something that's possible since the hub was snipped before we wed

yeah so if ever this was a no holds barred blog
i guess tonight is one of those nights
just useless ramble to get it off my brain
but it's all on my brain and all causing me stress of one sort or the other

i'm walking on the outside edges of my feet lately
which as really f'd up my IT band and TFL
my massage therapist BARELY touched me today and there were times I wanted to cry

we can't figure out which came first, the outside edge of the feet walking or the IT/TFL problems
whichever...it all needs to stop

However, amidst all this shit on my brain
I juiced
and packed good lunch for work
wasn't even the least bit tempted by all the crap food provided at work
that's pretty cool :)

8/22/09

aw heck I'll just put it here


I didn't want to

the whole way driving home from Tampa (yes, I got a frosty and a small fry), I was contemplating how tired I was and how I really didn't feel like breaking out the treadmill...
But, the whole way TO Tampa this morning I listened to several versions of "Couch to 5k" podcasts to find the one that would motivate me the most.

I think I've decided on a combination of all 3 podcasts I DL'd from iTunes. I have to hit the treadmill 3 times a week so I'll just alternate options so I don't get bored.

So today was my first day...I actually did ALL the intervals except for the very last running interval and felt pretty good. If someone had been there yelling at me, I may have done the final interval too...but I did get a wee bit nauseous during my after session stretch so I probably did a good job listening to my body.
Heck...I didn't think I'd make it near as far as I did
I thought for sure I'd have to quit half way through
I thought for sure I'd have to do more walking than jogging during the faster intervals...but I didn't :)

So I'll have to find a local 5k to participate in as a goal and celebration
and maybe this potato will be ready for a bikini

8/21/09

week not quite from hell so what the hell?

This is transition week for me
I'm phasing out of my old job and into a new one
so i guess technically...it could be considered a week from hell
I'm working nights at the new place
a couple of days at the old place...which really isn't old, just less
and the kiddo is still home from school so there's that mom stuff that has to be tended to as well so my schedule is super out of whack

and I started the week with an out of whack hip
it's slowly getting better

but i haven't run but once this week
i'm looking forward to next week ...home during the day with no kids
so i can get back into a routine
the week AFTER That is golden because I finally move into my regular schedule
i did the nights thing for the kids
now it's time for mom!

I think it's time to start my period again
omg the other day i felt and looked 3 months preggo
my boobs...lets' not even talk about how sore they are
my hair for some reason...looks AMAZING..i'll take it
and I'm eating
not so much today
which is weird
but the past few days
and i know it was emotional eating
but I'm not emotional
so hormonal eating?
i dunno

i'm just ready for Monday
tonight I ...
work til 11
will get home around 11:30
will finally fall asleep around 12:30
have to get no later than 8am and finish packing my bag
pack the bananas
pack the parent information
pick up the Bm's Bff at 9am
get to the football field for Jamboree by 10:30am
book check at 11
first game at 12
HOPEFULLY the game is over by 1 or 1:30
then off to the resort at the parks to finally let Bm cash in on her Birthday night
praying the girls will just wanna swim the rest of the day away
i don't even care what my ass looks like in a suit I'm bringing my book and parking myself in a lounge chair while they swim
Sunday I know they wanna hit the park
drop the bff back home by 4pm on Sunday
get home and get acclimated with the fam so the
KIDS CAN START SCHOOL THE NEXT DAY
OMG what a weekend!!!!!

now I'm laughing coz i'm sure MY BFF will be reading this (since she's not allowed to Flickr) and she's setting her sights on a better next week too!
THERE now we can both hold one another accountable :)

8/18/09

I missed my run today

This is my honestly blog right
so honestly
I missed my run today
i didnt skip it intentionally
it lost out to the nap i sorely needed before working a long shift tonight
tried to work last night without a nap...it didn't turn out so hot for me

yeah...I chose to work nights this week so i can be home with the kiddo during her last week of summer break, but i didn't think far enough ahead to plan on waking up early too...hrmph
tomorrow is a jam packed day so I can't even get in a make up run
it'll have to be thursday
which means I'll probably have to spend an extra week on this particular podcast
which is okay because i built in extra weeks before my 5k just in case i needed more time to step up
and I'm not going to beat myself up over it
i didn't NOT exercise because I didn't want to
which is more than I can say for past attempts :)

I finally brought my own food to the center
there's a bunch of crap here
thankfully i can't eat most of it because of the gluten
but the reese's clusters have called my name the past few nights
actually...i called their name, they were just sitting in a bowl

so i brought my stuff tonight
feels good to nourish myself the right way! gotta remember that

8/9/09

success

I lost 2.5 pounds this week!
I started week 3 of my couch to 5k and didn't die the first time I tried it
I love when that happens...when I can do the first day of a week's routine and make it through...it lets me know the rest of the week is doable, and I need doable things right now.

I'm spending time naked
okay I hesitated to type that
but it's true
naked, doing things in the room, folding laundry mostly
but being comfortable in my skin

8/5/09

I am Divine

Spirit teaches me that love is unconditional
to all, for all even if not always by all
I live this
I breathe this
I do all that I can to embody this


but I hate my body
I put conditions on my body
i put conditions on myself


I love God and feel Spirit move through me
Spirit is in me
Spirit is me
so if I hate myself
I hate Spirit
which is the antithesis of all that i believe
all that i am all that i teach all that is fluid in me


My core belief crumbles when facing the mirror
for today can i love myself the way that God loves me?
for today i can love myself the way that God loves me
for today i can find value in all that i am
not who i am because i already value my who
but "that" i am
it's the physical parts that get compartmentalized
in this fluid organic Spirit that I embody, that I love, that I preach, that I live... I lock away the part of me that needs this Spirit the most


i love the person who cuts me off in traffic
i love the person who turns her nose up at my tattoos
i love the child who is being belligerent
i love the spouse who searches for answers in the alphabet store
i love the parent who knows best
i love the co-worker who never gets it right
i love the bill collector who harrasses me
i love the neighbor who judges me
i love the person in the seat next to me who smells bad and talks too loud
i love the person who hates me
i love the me who hates me


i'm working on that last one
i'm calling all Spirit to guide me
raise my consciousness and help me see the beauty in this body
this body that is called to do so much
this body that is the vessel of my Divine Spark
this body that serves an ultimate purpose right here, right now, every day and every day on
this body that is screaming to be loved
this body that is making itself more and more apparent that i might glimpse its being and value its worth
this body
my body
the body of God
the precious one
the child
the chosen
the created
the creator
the author and actor
the writer and director


an authentic self is the most personal form of worship
an authentic self is true
my self revolves around my belief
my core belief crumbles when faced with a mirror





8/3/09

i obviously had an issue

last night
i binged
a nutty bar
2 oatmeal cream pies
the equivalent of 2 gluten free brownies (crumbs...yes they count)
then a bowl of corn chips and queso

it was the day after my period ended
I have the remnants of a menstrual migraine that hung around all week
I couldn't explain why I was hungry
I wasnt
actually felt like I was medicating

I have my annual with the obgyn next week
she's a weight loss specialist too
i'm interested to know what she'll say

my binges definitely fall around my p-days
before and after usually
not during

but i'm still running
and still loving it
my belly is big and soft
not loving that so much
but the hub says i'm losing
suppose i should trust the hub more than the scale
because I'm still running
and still loving it

at least I know when my food issues come up
so that means I know when I have a choice
because when I binge, I feel like I have no choice (inside) even though my brain TRIES to exude a choice
so the weeks when I have some control...I'll harness it
and the weeks I don't, I'll learn

because I love me
and I'm still running

8/1/09

Week 2 Day 1

I was nervous this morning
I had to "kick it up a notch"
90 second running intervals
but it was actually great
again...I love the sweating part
I totally soaked my shirt
it was awesome

i did it right after my morning coffee
we WERE gonna get up and ride our bikes to the farmer's market
but no one else got up
and before my chair sucked me in and drained me of my morning
i got up, got dressed, stretched and got going

woot woot!

and to top it off...we wound up going for a bike ride today too
that was an uber teaser for me though
I LOVE to cycle ...my kids aren't that good at it and I guess I'm not good at giving directions so it was just enough to get me pumped
so i'll keep that pumped feeling and apply it some other day
my hub said he'd join me
so I'll have to make that happen

I like it when day 1 of a new week doesn't KILL me
it was still work...but I did it
that gives me the promise of a week of accomplishment to look forward to!

In other news
i keep gaining weight
my belly has gotten bigger and gushier
i'm gonna check back on it after my period is over and see if that changes

at least i'm moving aerobically for 30 minutes 3 times a week
it's a start

OHHHH and a new yoga place opened up near home
yay