10/26/10

The End of an Era

It's been nearly 2 months since my last post.
Ha, I type that and feel like I'm in a Bloggers Anonymous meeting.

Today I honor myself by typing the final post.

I do believe I've come to a comfortable conclusion to this chapter in life.
I will continue to live, compose and illustrate but the overarching theme of life is no longer my compulsion to eat, my feelings of worthlessness or joan. Yes Lou Lou, she has made it entirely into lower case (even though I desperately want to capitalize the J to be grammatically correct), she's not even in the foot notes of life anymore which, if you look back, is a major accomplishment.

My therapy has stopped for now, and perhaps on this topic, forever.
My need to blog has ceased.
My disdain for my body is gone and is in fact replaced with an inexplicable love for my body
I am enjoying eating to heal my body and although it isn't a goal, have actually shed some pounds. More importantly, I've become healthier and my shape a bit more sultry which I can only attribute to eating the way my body was meant to in the first place.
My hair is healthier and LONG and yeah I could go on and on...basically I'm quite happy.

I haven't felt that clawing, gnawing feeling since my trip to Austin.
Lots of wonderful things happened on that trip that I won't go into here.
If you're interested, drop me a line and I'll share personally.

This blog has been an amazing tool in my recovery.
All the folks I've met along the way, the opportunity to just "blap" my thoughts on virtual paper and get them out of my head where I could sort through them...all absolutely vital to who I am now.

I think I'll book it...you know those sites where you can print your blog as a book...I think bears saving.

So this is the end, the final post.
I'm on to new things...keep your eyes on my website http://www.liveinauthenticity.com/ for the next chapter in my life and stay in touch!

9/2/10

A child like view

The note on my desk all week read
"I am very certain I will honor myself through yoga on Thursday, September 2nd."

As I rested back in child's pose I remembered what it is I love so much about a regular practice.
Its me and my mat.
It's time spent with my favorite person, me.
I'd forgotten how much I like to spend time with myself.
Forgotten how much I love honoring my body in this very way.


The certainty of my affirmation could have been destroyed all too easily.
I came home early yesterday not feeling at all well and had the opportunity to make up the hours today. Today, the day I had planned to honor myself with yoga.
I toyed with the idea for barely a second and tossed it out with a "That's why I have sick hours."

I love the smell of patchouli swirling from the heat of my skin created as I move through each asana
I love the feel of my hands and feet firmly pressed into the mat
I love the dampness of my shirt and the sound of my ujjayi breath.
I love acting in certainty :)

8/30/10

NEED TO LOSE...

These words greeted me as I walked into the office today
Bright Green letters seemingly pulsating on a stark White Board
NEED TO LOSE.... Start Date 8/29/10
Followed by names and numbers

My first reaction was
UGH
NEED to lose?
NEED?
UGH

So I've decided, I NEED to lose the perception that a number will make me happy, better, prettier, insert word of personal preference here ____________.

Then I marched right into my manager's office and said...
"I just gotta say it so it's out there and I can move on...I don't like that new white board and I find it insensitive to those of us around here ..." she knew where I was going and agreed.

So Instead...we're working on a personal goals wall personal, professional, educational whatever...
If your personal goal is to lose 20 lbs awesome...my personal goal is to get back into a  regular yoga practice
  • My first step on that journey is to ...do the yoga routine I DL'd to my iPod. I will do this on Thursday as I am off early and have the afternoon to Babs.
  • The second step will be to take a class at a local studio
  • The third step will be to evaluate whether or not I want a regular home practice or a monthly pass to a local studio
So let it be written...
So let it be done :)

SO MY QUESTION TO YOU TODAY (yes, I'm expecting answers)...
WHAT DO YOU "NEED" TO LOSE?

8/26/10

Yesterday

Yesterday, someone called and asked me for a ride
This doesn't seem like much but it's one of the girls on my cheer squad and she didn't call anyone else, she asked me for help...she knew I'd give it.

Yesterday, someone was persistent in picking my brain for ways to stretch specific muscles.
She knows I'm a trained yoga instructor and is struggling with some particular points she just can't reach.
It took me a moment to realize that she was ASKING for my expertise and when I did, and gave her my full attention, she got what she needed.

Yesterday, someone asked how to handle a particularly sticky situation
She knows that I have "a way with words" (as she put it) and wants to know how to use them too.
She recognized my gift and asked that I share it with her. I did.

Other people see in me the things that I am trying to be
I need to stop and see what they see.

8/18/10

Reframe the Mirror

Yesterday I complained about looking 'frumpy' in the mirror...even in my dreams...but not necessarily thinking it was a "bad" thing. Back when I was what society would call "thin" I looked at myself and still saw fat. Now, I'm what society might call "fat," but not necessarily unhappy with what I see in the mirror (most days).

Then a soul sista solicited words of wisdom because SHE was feeling confused about what she sees in the mirror too (must be something in the air).

Without even taking a breath to pause and think...I answered her back with this:

Who decides you look bad?
Of course you don't think you look bad when you look at yourself no! You are seeing the embodiment of the manifestation of your dreams! You are vibrationally in synch with (insert your name here), the (insert your accomplishment here). You have begun believing yourself in ways that make those around you quicken their pace to catch some of that mojo. OF COURSE YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE!

You are taking action

You are honoring your true self

You are pulling her to the surface

And when you see her, she is beautiful

When you see her as beautiful...well, you know the rest!
Well it was so profound I decided I needed to hear it too...
And I'm guessing someone out there might too!

Who decides you look bad?



Of course you don't think you look bad when you look at yourself no!
You are seeing the embodiment of the manifestation of your dreams!
You are vibrationally in synch with Babs, the sought after writer, teacher, and healer. You have begun believing yourself in ways that make those around you quicken their pace to catch some of that mojo.
OF COURSE YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE!


You are taking action
You are honoring your true self
You are pulling her to the surface

And when you see her, she is beautiful
When you see her as beautiful...well, you know the rest!

8/16/10

Remembering the Journey

I've spent part of my morning reading my blog. I started all the way back at my very first post.
It didn't take me long to realize the intention of this journey is more than just a smaller size.
Losing weight IS a component, but it is not the end all be all.

I asked my hub if he could come up with anything for me this week...just ways in which I have changed, if any, as a result of my journey. He listed a bunch right off the bat...most of them dealing with my strength. My willinginess to stand up for myself in different situations and how MY strength has inspired HIM to be stronger. He says I need to remember the positive effect I have on everyone around me. He also reminded me that it's okay to feel uncomfortable in my body and to want to change it. It's not ALL I want.
He's also glad that Joan isn't around as much, if at all, anymore. He got sorta tired of how much she controlled my every thought...ME TOO...she was overbearing to the NTH degree so I'm glad she's taken up residence outside of earshot.

In my cubicle at work I have the collage that I made.
It's filled with images and statements that reflect what I want(ed) to have or be doing.
Now when I look at it...I DO have or AM doing everything on that poster.
I AM making progress and I've even started collecting clippings for a new poster.

In January I wrote this
List of Changes...not necessarily 2010
  • Physical/Health - strong, healthy, realistic shape, managing my gluten intolerance without burden
  • Mental Emotional - Say No To JOAN!
  • Educational/Academic - finish Bachelors, pursue Masters
  • Relationships - honest, open, growing, working, improving, always grounded in love, intentionally pursuing friendships
  • Spiritual - deeper, closer, and more transparent
  • Professional - blogger, podcaster, teacher, speaker, traveler, healer
  • Home - painted, garden, simple, green, co-op
I'm definitely making progress on each point
"Realistic Shape" stands out to me under the first bullet point, not because I equate it with weight loss but because my vision of "realistic" has changed this past year.

A few weeks ago in group we had to visualize what life looks like as "happy."
Who is there, what does it look like, what are you doing, etc...
Then we had to turn and look in a full length mirror
I looked EXACTLY like I do now

At first I was frustrated by that
I saw myself as frumpy
but I had JUST seen myself doing great things with great people
having a great time
feeling ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL
doing things I NEVER thought imaginable in this body (which is really sorta silly)

So the body doesn't bar me from being happy
And Thinner isn't Better
It's okay to want to be a bit more comfortable

Not bad for a Monday
I need to start working on my next collage

Next step...reorient to my intention:
This time, I'm not going to be afraid to include some physical milestones
I think I was so afraid to include them before because to be on a "diet" is a bad thing.
To not be happy in my body is a "bad" thing.
To want to change my body is a "bad" thing.

No it's not...not necessarily
It can be...when it's all I think about or all that motivates me it's in danger of becoming a famous leading lady loved by campy drag queens everywhere.

Otherwise...it's just another aspect to my wholeness
my holistic journey to Babsness

8/15/10

Am I different?

I started this journey in March of 2009. This journey of acceptance and self discovery as it relates to why I choose food as my drug.
I began therapy in April of that year and have found a therapist I gel with and have been working with since December.
But am I different?

I don't hear Joan as much anymore
Although I did picture her singing the lyric of the Violent Femmes song...she misses me. The feeling is not reciprocated.

I'm not any thinner in fact I might be heavier.
Not by much.
In fact, I'm about the same weight I was when I met my husband. He reminded me that he fell in love with me.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I mean the physicality of this.
I believe this week I should focus on the WAYS in which I am better for having lived through this past year so that I can shrug off the 'heaviness' I feel in my skin.
This 'heaviness' could have me searching for Joan.

So
Why did I begin this journey in the first place
What was my intended outcome when I started
What is my intention now
Do I need to re-orient myself

I am not any thinner
Am I better in other ways?
Why does thinner have to equal better?
I don't necessarily BELIEVE that equation, but it is what my fingers typed and therefore should be pondered.

If losing SOME weight is part of my intention...why am I not losing any?

This past week in therapy we touched on my need to feel noticed
Not in a "look at me" sort of way but in an "i'm not invisible" sort of way
I wondered, in the past, if I eat in order to make myself larger so that you can't miss me
If that's the case, what is causing me to feel "invisible"

It's been a very long time since I've binged
For you regular readers...you'll notice the counter went away months ago
I'm not defined by my binges
I have had some drive through moments
Not 'drive through for 6' moments...which is an improvement (one way in which I am better)

I FEEL my body now
I feel the rolls in my stomach and the crease of my hips
These feelings are not comfortable
I'm not in search of physical vanity but I do not think comfort is a lofty goal
I wonder if somewhere inside me comfort is something I don't deserve
One of those "good things" that I'm not allowed to have

Okay...that's enough to wonder about today

8/10/10

Sing-A-Long

okay...you probably shouldn't sing-a-long because this isn't a very positive post
just an honest one
and I have Violent Femmes in my head...so if you know the tune, I apologize for the earworm

Today
I feel
Fat

Today
I feel
Really Fat

And cause I feel
Really
Really
Fat

Can't seem to get
My mind off'a that

Today
I feel
Fat

PTHHHH! (yes, I just envisioned Edith Ann in her big yellow rocking chair!)

8/5/10

Forgive me while I dump my trash here...I'm the one who picks it up anyway

Maybe here I can reduce, reuse, up-cycle, recycle or at least make something pretty out of it...
1000 statues from trash in Rome
Last night we got together for dinner with ma familia.
The lot consisted of me, hub, Bm, Big Bro, Older Sis, Younger Bro and Dad. My mom and dad have been divorced for going on 10 or so years now after 42 years of marriage...well almost 42, the divorce was final days before their 42nd wedding anniversary or something poetically tragic like that.

I've learned to live with this phenomenon...the divorce I mean.
I probably have a better relationship with each parent respectively now that I have individual relationships with each of them but something new is putting me into a funk.

My mom has begun the process of annulment.
She's been dating someone for a while...which is fine. She's an attractive intelligent woman and should be allowed to move on with her life.
She's seeking an annulment so she can remarry again within the church.
This is my father's church too. The Catholic church I mean.
(If you've been reading me for any length of time you'll no doubt infer that it is no longer my church)
This process, to the best of my understanding (which is admittedly somewhat trapped in the brain of a 5th grader desperately searching for a way out of parochial school) basically claims the marriage invalid. Like it never 'should have' happened.
The kids don't revert to being illegitimate or anything like that...but the union that never should have been in the first place is excused by the church because well...they shouldn't have allowed it in the first place (yes, that was me tripping over the tongue that got in the way of my cheek as I tried to say that).

So yes, this process will kill (if not literally then DEFINITELY figuratively) my father.
The one remaining grace he believes he holds onto is his faith so for the church to be the last proverbial nail in the coffin of what remains he has of a 'life story' (tragic sounding I know but this is his existence) will be the end of him. Hopefully, only the end of him as we know it and he will rise from the ashes like a phoenix. Time will tell...

But that's not what has me in a funk
Yes I know...we'll still be considered legitimate children
But if the union wasn't to be in the first place and this is a Declaration of Nullity (weird word) then really the history created doesn't exist either...

And really
Was it invalid to begin with?
I don't think so
I've seen the pictures
Can a story be made to claim otherwise
probably
Couldn't we all write a "I should've known better" story about EVERY decision we've ever made...even the ones we're happy with.

So this is bugging me
This could just be bugging me because it's tugging at my Catholic roots, which I have also been tugging at in EMDR.
It could be bugging me because I want mom to just suck it up...whatever that means
Who knows
but it's bugging me
so I write about it
so I don't eat it
There, now THAT's a beautifully recycled creation.

8/2/10

7/24/10

Class of 1990

Today is the day
20 year High School Reunion
and oh boy have voices started....

I've decided to go all retro
(I mean, gotta do something with the tats so why not be a pin-up)
I borrowed a dress from a friend
and visited a buddy at his home salon with pictures of Ms. Von Teese in hand.
They (those damn voices) got louder with every spritz of hair spray

They started this morning in the shower while I was shaving
Did you even like High School
Will you even know anybody there
Why are you even going to this thing

I didn't have any good answers
On the way home I was worried my hair looked stupid and thought I might wash it out...

Bm then asked me (she went with me to get my hair done)
"Mom, how long has it been since you've seen any of these people?
"20 years" I said

"How long before you'll see any of em again?"
"Probably 20 years..."

"Right, so who cares what they think!"
(DANG she DOES listen when I teach her self-esteem lessons)

I still felt weird when I got home
My hub said "you look Cute" (and it was a good cute not a bad cute)
Still felt a little weird
My belongingness grudg-y demon is moshing in my stomach

So then...I went and tried on the outfit I had planned (because I already thought of a dozen reasons NOT to wear it and was freaking out about replacement ideas

I put on the dress
slipped on my pumps
found my pearl choker necklace and matching drop earings
and voila
The hair didn't look so funny
and the sparkle was back in my eye

Shut up voices
Babs is going out tonight
yes...I still feel a little weird
but dammit if I won't look hot :)

7/21/10

Results not typical...

I used to be a healthy weight.
I successfully navigated my way through a national program to a healthy goal weight.
I went to work for said program...even applied to the upper administrative levels...

Why is today different?
Why did it work then (nearly 6 years ago) but not now?

My hub asked that this morning...why was it "easier" then?
What was different ...what made the weight come off?

I've thought about this myself a lot lately...especialy given the uncovering of my 'belongingness' triggers.

Well...I had just met him and felt utterly 'belong-ed'
I was working a job with a boss who thought my ideas were the very stars in the sky
I was working with ALL of my creativity...directing music, creating programs, directing musical theater
It did take me nearly 2 years to drop 35 lbs...so it wasn't "easy"
I still binged...albeit on a 2lb bag of carrots not a value menu at a drive through

But now it seems on weeks I follow a healthy plan
I weigh XXX
On weeks I kick the plan to the wind
I weigh XXX
yup
same
FRUSTRATING

Why is today different
BAH!

Whoaaaaa Trigger

Roy Rogers and his horse Trigger
This week has been full of em...Triggers that is.
I started EMDR last week. I think it's going to be a good tool in my recovery. The first session was mostly work setting a base line and finding my most CORE issue...you know, the Grudge-y one.
Turns out my worst one, that clawing, freaky grey-colored skin with dark eyes and dark haired one is a sense of belonging.
I don't belong.
Just typing that makes it hard to breathe.
This trigger is definitely an 8 or 9 on the SUDS scale.

While we were talking, I also noticed the "I should've/shouldn't have done/said" something reference being a pretty strong trigger.
Last week I offered some unsolicited advice to a co-worker. I thought about it before hand, approached the person cautiously and asked permission prior...and was well received...
But I still had a hard time fighting the urge to binge.
Worse yet, at each milestone of beating the binge (read: each drive-through I did NOT go through), the ugly feeling became stronger and the thoughts of failure more ominous.
THAT was very frustrating
Beating my demons is supposed to be empowering dammit!
By the time I got home I felt so small...and I didn't even eat! *sigh*

Last night I challenged a grade I received on a writing assignment.
I felt my points were valid. I worded my challenge respectfully. I felt as though my questions deserved an answer.

But after I hit send (it was a response to an email), I felt doom and gloom.
"You should't have said that."
"You don't have the right to question authority"

I ate
I didn't binge
but I did treat myself to some graham crackers with pb and jelly that I wasn't really hungry for
so I soothed with food

This morning I woke up and felt like it COULD be a binge day.
I talked with my hub about it.
We shared similar stories.
It made me feel good to know he understands.

I got a response from my professor today.
We agree to disagree...
...but I did get a higher grade ;)

I'm glad I said something.
A friend of mine said,
"Wow, I'm proud of you for saying something. I would've just taken the lower grade then complained about the teacher."
This is true.
I am glad that I acted from my belief "better to ask and know then say nothing and always wonder."

I'm not sure how I feel about the end result.
Don't read that wrong...I'm very glad the outcome of my challenge was a re-evaluation of my grade.
I still don't know what to do with my feelings about "challenging authority."
Those still loom.
I still don't know what to do with my feelings about "winning" the challenge.
Those loom even larger.

So I write them down...
I'll bring them to therapy...
I will not eat them.

But if I do, I'll at least understand why.

xxoo

7/7/10

Love, it's contagious

This week I'm in the City of Brotherly Love working a conference.
This is a pretty big deal for me because
  1. This is a pretty big conference
  2. The team I'm working with includes some "big guns"
  3. I have a tendency to devalue my work
  4. I have NONE of my support system here in Philly
In looking back over the week that lead up to my departure flight I note some very calculated choices I made (consciously or otherwise) that PROVE that somewhere inside myself...I love and care about ME.

If you've been following for a while, you know that Proud always cometh before a Binge.
I was selected, from how ever many submissions, to be on the team working this conference. Someone believed I 'bring the goods' well enough to add me to this illustrious list of interpreters. *gulp*
Presenters at this event are BIG names within the community and I am putting voice to their words *gulp*
Yesterday, I was on the team assigned to the business meeting...you know, officers, board members, delegates...and I DID WELL. Actually, to coin a phrase my daughter used, I'm pretty sure I 'knocked it out 'da park!' *double gulp*

In packing my bag for this trip I included my yoga mat and one of my yoga DVD's. It's Wednesday and I haven't gotten a full practice session in but I brought them, because I knew I'd need them, and seeing my mat inviting me to partake in a sun salutation in the middle of the day makes me feel supported.

I also packed my nail kit with a fun color for my toes and a professional color for my fingers.
I haven't painted them yet, but seeing my kit on the bathroom counter reminds me I have a way, should I need it, to reward myself for a job well done that does NOT include food.

I'm staying across the street from what has to be one of the world's most fantastic markets so I have access to fresh food and many gluten free offerings at any time and I've treated myself to fresh carrot/beet/celery juice every day I've been here.

I don't feel deprived, I've (for the most part) stopped questioning "Why am I here" and feel good about the rest of the week!

See, there is something to this LOVE stuff afterall :) I've come a long way from just hitting 'publish post.'

7/2/10

How do those fit together?

Last night in group the good one asked what turned out to be a very poignant question, "You (meaning me) said you don't have to be everything to everyone, AND that you are accepting that you're enough just as you are. How do those fit together? Or do they?"

And the DIDN'T
Joan believes that I must be everything to everyone.
Babs used to believe that too.
Somewhere inside, sometimes, when I'm low on the Babsness scale...those thoughts creep in...
But more often than not these days, I spend more time trying to be ME than trying to be EVERYTHING. It's quite liberating :)

But she asked that question
How do those fit together?
And I felt it...literally clawing inside of me
crawling up and into my chest and hanging onto my clavicle bones for dear life
It was creepy
Like something out of the movie The Grudge (no I didn't see it but the trailer scarred me enough for a lifetime).

I have an individual session today
I imagine there will be some clawing.
I wore very comfy clothes and very little eye make up
Inhale....Exhale...Repeat

6/29/10

Things about today

Today I still have Salma Hayek hair...my curls are behaving nicely now that it has grown a bit past awkward.

Today I get my new computer
Today I purchase my domain name for my new website
Today I am very proud of the man that I love, he's facing some demons head on and he's winning
Today I crossed 5 things off of my to do list
Today I ate 2 spoonfuls of m&m's
Today I ate 6 whopper candies
Today I ate a little debbie cosmic brownie
Today, I think, I'm ovulating
Today I have a headache

That little debbie, yeah, it was stale
but i ate it anyway
sigh

6/24/10

Things that make me feel GOOD

In two weeks I start EMDR. Part of my preparations is to list at least one way (per day) that I made my heart 'gush.'

Heart gush comes from my "Always remember..." notebook that I started when I first met my husband.
It's a simple little notebook where I write one liners that remind me of times my hub made my heart gush with love for him. Little books like this are necessary because it's easier to get hung up on piddly little things that make you mad at times.

So my counselor charged me with writing down things that I do for myself that make my heart gush
I haven't written any...I've thought of some but haven't taken the time to put pen to paper
so I'm putting pad to key

  • I chose NOT to battle with my son about a napkin
  • I bought amazingly fantastically funky curtains for the living room
  • I sang my birthday song LOUD in the living room on my birthday while dancing like a happy me
  • I painted the 2nd coat on the living room walls...it feels so nummy in there with the great colors
  • I LOVE MY decorating style :)
  • I've been dressing more 'babsy' lately
So the running theme is I've been letting my creativity flow
I notice tunes humming through my head (and out my lips) more often now and lyrics dancing around my brain...earworms planted years ago only to resurface as I sweep the floor or re-tie a bow so it's "just so."
I even dabbed a dot of patchouli on each wrist and behind my ears

Huh, whodathought that being myself would make my heart gush
now THAT phrase just made me chuckle
Miss AuthentiCity :)

6/23/10

Acceptance

I haven't written in a while
Can't really explain why
Some of the reasons I write are

  • to avoid a binge
  • to work through a feeling
  • to document a breakthrough
  • to have a place to dump what's in my brain
Guess I haven't really needed any of those things lately
Which...can be seen as a good thing :-)

I turned 38 this past weekend
No, I don't feel any older

We're getting closer to the finishing touches on the living room...I'm am uber excited about this fact
My 'design' self has had a chance to flex her idea muscles and it feels glorious

I've come to a place of acceptance with my size

It's not a bad thing
or an "I'm settling thing"
It's just where I am
It doesn't bother me to buy bottoms that are XL or to start with L tops rather than Mediums
(mind you...I'm talking summer clothes here, not an entire wardrobe of shopping)
I even bought a bathing suit without thinking or blinking twice.
Acceptance is good

“Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.” William James


I start a new kind of therapy next week ...and I'm back to group this week too (due to a hiatus at school).
I am quite excited about the new form of therapy...it's mostly used with those who suffer from PTSD and should be able to help me unlock the disconnect between my brain and my good monster. Yes, I'm still nervous about it...but as my therapist said last week, "You've already lived through it, so you don't have to be afraid."

School is to Food still exists
This week it crept up on me because I FORGOT that I have a Monday night class 
so I didn't have time to fret about it
our campus has moved...so there is no fast food between work and school (bonus)
and hopefully this new therapy will help me unlock the 'is to' portion and move on

These days, I'm feeling good
Marriage is good
Family is good
House is good

Nothing is perfect...and that is good

Ahhh I've missed writing
I look forward to reading your thoughts

more soon...off to finish painting a wall
xo

6/3/10

Good Monsters



Not all monsters are bad
but the ones who are good
never do what they could
never do what they could

I'm still reeling
No, I'm still catatonic
No, I'm catatonically reeling
from yesterday's therapy session

The layer of the onion that makes you cry?
Yeah, that's the one we haphazardly sliced into last night
and once you've made that cut, you just have to keep chopping until your done
or the recipe just doesn't turn out right.

Haphazard isn't the right word
That implies that we went there mistakenly and without care...
I wouldn't have intentionally gone there if I knew how scary it would be...

It
I don't know what 'it' is
It's scary
I'm scared that it's REALLY scary
It could just be 5 or 7 or 9 year old scary
which might not be that scary
but it still FEELS scary

It's a monster
It's a good monster


All the good monsters open their eyes,

To see the wasteland where the home fires rise,
And the people shouting why, why, why...
Do you know what you are?
Do you know what you are?

All of the giants wake from their sleep,
And roll outside of safety's keep,
And the pain makes them feel so alive

Do you know what you are?
Do you know what you are?

And we are bored of all the things we know
Do you know what you are?
Do you know what you are?

Not all monsters are bad, but the ones who are good
Never do what they could, never do what they could

All the good monsters rattle their chains,
And dance around the open flames,
And they make a lot of empty noise.

While all of the bright eyes turn away,
As if there wasn't anything to say,
About the justice and the mystery.
Do you know what you are?
Do you know what you are?

And we are bored of all the things we know
And we are forms of everything we love, we love.

If good won't show it's ugly face, 
Evil won't you take your place
Nothing ever changes,
Nothing ever changes... 
By itself.

Yeah....yeah...aaah

We are bored of all the things we know
Do you know what you are
'Cause we are, we are so in love with ourselves
And we are forms of all the things we love.

6/2/10

Raw

Not much more to say than that
I thought maybe letting my fingers fly might find something
Whatever was tapped into today in my individual session
is sorta deep
really visceral
and my Babs is doing all she can to disconnect
so...whatever it is ...it could be ugly
Thankfully...I don't have to do it alone
well, I have each of you...all you beautiful yous out there who share your love with me
and I have a great therapist
she helped me button things up today so I was in a safe place before leaving her office
and we'll pick up where we left off in a couple of weeks.

5/28/10

So sorry if you follow both of my blogs...
this was worth a repost!

The Universe has shown me on several occasions just this week that it is time to stop dreaming and just DO.
My goal?
To be recognized and sought after as an esteemed communication and relationship coach in the areas of personal, social and professional relations.

Turns out people recognize this quality in me...and even seek out my skills already so I'm jumpin' in while I work on the "esteemed" part...

So by July 15th I will

  • meet with my web designer and outline launch of my website
  • make contact with at least 2 potential mentors who can help me create my fee structure
  • contact local organizations (churches, community centers, etc.) and book 3 introductory workshops
Ta Da
So let it be written...
So let it be DONE

5/26/10

School most definitely equals food

Yeah I didn't make it past the drive through tonight
I ate taco bell
yup...gluten laden/fat filled Taco Bell

For some reason school is to food like bar is to drink for an alcoholic
you can't expect me to go there and not ____
yeah
so
I need to come up with a plan
I originally thought I would re-work my schedule so that there is time for an individual therapy session prior to class (at least every other week) ...but my campus is relocating finagling that travel time would be extremely inconvenient
more inconvenient than the after effects of a soothe?

So I give all of you permission (those who have my phone number) to text/call words of affirmation, notes to "STOP" every Thursday between the hours of 4 and 6pm EST. (Yes, I know today is Wednesday...class was changed this week due to the big move...)

I think I might figure out how to send myself email reminders
Heck I think I might figure out how to send myself voice reminders so I don't have to text/email while driving

I'm glad the server was down at school tonight...because had I blogged this as it was unfolding, well I would've had much more colorful language...and while it may have been cathartic for me...it would not be as insightful.

Now I'm just tired
could be because of the gluten
but more likely it's because I've been working a lot and it's been a brain sucking kind of week
I think I'll treat myself to an early bed time

:)

5/23/10

Shape and Size

photo credit
Lately, I haven't obsessed much over food
Joan hasn't spoken in weeks
I haven't really felt bad about my body image or my eating habits
I haven't used food to soothe

Recently, I very matter-of-factly, non judgmentally said "I like my shape, it's my size I'm not crazy about."
I do quite resemble this pear
I'm tiny up top and broad where a broad should be broad.

Years ago I got down to my lowest weight...for all of about a week...then I hovered at 'just low enough to be legal' for about 8 months. I was a leader for an international weight loss chain and had to maintain a certain weight to continue in my position.
When I started reaching out for help from my superiors...because it was getting hard, because I was restricting in unhealthy ways, because even though I practiced what I preached I could not keep my weight down...I got the cold shoulder and I left...and I gained....

That was years ago and a lifetime away from the mindset I have now.
I very matter-of-factly and non judgmentally like my shape and would like to work on my size.
I very honestly think losing 15 pounds would be a good place for me.
Now mind you...15 pounds from now has ALWAYS been "FAT" years ago and a lifetime away from the mindset I have now.

I'm rather proud of this feeling
DID YOU READ THAT?
I just said I was proud?!?!
I didn't even feel an insurmountable urge to backspace and delete it from the page
I felt proud of a feeling
OMG
what an accomplishment.

I think I'll take a cue from George Costanza and call it a day :)

xo

5/20/10

Woman earns Masters with honors, Cannot attend commencement ceremonies because she won't fit out the door...News at 11

There is definitely something to this school = eating equation...
Again today...it was everything I could do to keep myself from a drive through
I did it
I kept myself from every intimidating fast food sign, made it to school and cooked the dinner I packed
I bought 2 diet sodas from the vending machine to make it through the night (4 hr class.........zzzzzzz)

I did start my period yesterday
and I'm missing opening night of my daughter's play tonight (but will see another show)
I even contemplated "skipping" class so I could go to the show but...

  • next week is midterm and if I miss review...I'll bomb the midterm (I know this teacher)
  • there are other performances this weekend
  • my hub, boys, and some extended family will be there tonight
...and most importantly, I was SEARCHING for a good excuse to skip class
which is somehow tied to drive-through desire on school nights
and I can't do either...skip, or hit a drive through
so I'm not

I'm here, in class waiting for the clock to strike 6pm and lecture to start.
I left a special gift for my mini me and hub gave it to her before he dropped her off backstage...
She loved it
She knows I love her
I'm in class
and I'm not eating...

I'll take it

5/13/10

It's a Day

It's 4 days until I start my period
It's the first day of my next class (I've been off for 2 weeks)
It's the 4th day of upheaval and controversy at work
...today I have the munchies, I want something cold (but not frozen), squishy and creamy and sweet.
My body was wanting to hit a drive through on the way to class
I drove straight to school instead
My body thought to grab some cash for the vending machine at school
I didn't.

I only grabbed four!
I did grab a few mints from the candy dish in the lobby
they're not cold, squishy or creamy
but I am happy that I paid attention and was cautious

5/8/10

Focused or Distracted? Either way it's all good

photo credit
I haven't written in a while
Thought maybe I was distracted
but perhaps I've been focused...there is so very much to catch up on but like the white rabbit, I'm late for a very important date...
okay I'm not late but I do feel a sense of urgency probably just because I'm just excitafrickinervous

I did go audition on Tuesday night and today I have a call back audition...I'll write more about that later.

Late Monday night early Tuesday morning the creeping crud decided it wanted OUT of my stomach so I've been battling some sort of stomach thing this week. Last night I finally ate something and digested it.

Some crazy things have been happening at work.
Some intense moments have happened in the house

But I've managed to stay okay for the most part.
Focusing (perhaps over focusing) on this audition has kept my attention so the other stressors didn't have a chance to effect me.

Oh yes...and most importantly, the counter got a face lift
I like it better now :)

4/29/10

If I had a hammer...

Yes, this was me teaching class a few years ago.
A local paper did an article on Christian Yoga and
it ran nationwide. I was probably at my healthiest
weight here...but still thought I was fat daily
without comparison
without judgement
without expectation

i've been meaning to get back into a regular yoga practice for a while
been meaning to
yeah

I'll get around to that. I have to be intentional about it. I have some changes coming to my work schedule that will either allow me to visit a local studio, or practice at home without kids around.

So part of 'been meaning to' means I think about it a lot.
After, the food episode of last week, well last week AND this week because it's still going on... I thought about the meditation I would use encouraging each participant, and myself, to start each class
without comparison to others ...or self
without judgement of others ... or self
without expectation of others ... or self

I need to apply this to my recovery
especially this stage in my recovery

The National institute of Health said “most defined recovery as total abstinence. However, recovery goes well beyond abstinence; it is experienced as a bountiful ‘new life’, an ongoing process of growth, self-change and of reclaiming the self.”
When I read this...I see total recovery...NO compulsive eating or binge eating. Total abstinence from my disordered behavior.
I'm learning (though not liking) that this is not the case.
According to Bodywise: Recovered means eating and moving in response to body needs most of the time. Your body's needs will vary day to day.
It does NOT mean never eating compulsively again. Bingeing may always be “in your toolbox.” People without BED eat for "emotional" reasons.
It means eating to check out will become rarer and rarer, with less and less food, for shorter and shorter episodes.
It means one episode will not, by default, lead to another.
It means an episode will get your attention right away; you will know the real need, let go of any anger at yourself for eating, and meet the real need as best you can.
Recovery is a journey, not a destination. You will recover at the rate that is just right for you!
I'd love to never binge again
I'd love to not feel a prisoner to food
I find myself resenting any food plan, even a healthy, non-restricting plan
I don't want to count, I don't want to measure, I just want to eat like "normal" people do
I wouldn't eat like the average american...because I actually like real, whole foods...
I just want to nourish my body
without having to obssess over it forget obssesing...just THINKING about it lately has been stressing me out
BUT...I don't want to gain weight
I am not (like many of my friends who struggle with ED) at a healthy weight, I'm on the cusp of 'overweight/obese' according to my BMI and that is after losing around 16 pounds over the past several months. I don't want to climb, I don't need to be a skinny mini, but I do want healthy.

I'd love to never binge again
but I know that is an unrealistic goal.

Somehow, when I struck out on my own I wound up with some of my father's old tools. I think it swirled around my parents divorce. Dad didn't use his old tools anymore, mom used them as antique decorations and I snagged some because I had childhood memories of them. I used to go on tty repair calls with my dad and his tools all had a certain 'worked with' smell about them.

Of all the tools I adopted, I still have his old craftsman hammer. Back in the day when it was just me and Bm, I used it for everything.
Now I have other tools, and the hub has several hammers that I use.

Not long ago I wanted to hang a picture and the hubs tools were in other places.
Dad's hammer did the trick.
I don't use it often, or even think about using it often but there are times when I need it ...and it does the job

I don't binge often, or even think about binging as often as I used to
but there are times when I binge...for some reason I need to,
and it does the job

4/27/10

We love you Mrs. Hannigan

I wish I believed in myself just a bit more than I do now
I'd audition for a local community theater production of Annie

My daughter is auditioning.
I know she wants the lead but just the experience of being one of the orphans would be awesome.

In reading over the audition requirements I scanned over the adult roles and gasped a little...I could do that...

I guess there is something to that teary feeling I get when I sit in a theater.

Neutral Information

I stepped on the scale last week.
I am a scale junkie
I can step on it 10 times in a row
go pee
step on it again
change my clothes
step on it again
move it to a different part of the room
and step on it again
so I decided to stop stepping on it

But last week, I stepped on it
It takes a bit of effort to actually step on my scale
It has to be dug out from under the armoire and plugged in UNDER my desk so obviously I was on a mission...I just wanted to seeeeeee.
Funny thing is, once I got on it, I couldn't remember what I weighed the last time I stepped on a scale.
For a few minutes I wanted my weight to be less... but less than what?
I thought I would feel bad about stepping on the scale, and I did for a minute or two.
I thought I'd become a scale junkie again...
But honestly, I packed it up and put it back where it lives and didn't think twice about it...other than to 'fess up that I weighed and we're uncovering my need to 'fess up in counseling, turns out there is something to that too.

But for now, reflecting on the scale
it wasn't good information
it wasn't bad information
it was neutral information
which is what a scale is SUPPOSED to be

4/26/10

still writing...

I posted my next article
Earth day is Every day
each one feels better than the last
I'm getting ready to start a series on what the Bible really says about Homosexuality
I'm sure I'll stir up some controversy with that one...
~grin~

4/21/10

STOP

Yesterday it was this....


This morning it's these...

Nearest I can figure I'm popping sugar to get rid of this headache...gotta love a menstrual migraine coz NOTHING gets rid of them

Did you read that Babs? Nothing, not even the sugar so STOP!

There, that should help
It's been months since I let the breakroom woo me
I still have a headache but I'll deal
better than having a headache AND a guiltache!

Joan has been awkwardly silent lately...

4/20/10

ah HA said the Goat

So hormones are the reason for my moody munching
I knew that...I keep a calendar
But the hormones just make me give in easier
they don't MAKE me take action
my eating disorder is comprised of certain behaviors that I will eradicate
whether I'm PMS'ing or NOT
No more kicking the Goat
there
I said it
I decided

4/19/10

that fix

Do you remember the scene in pay it forward where Helen Hunt's character tears the house apart frantically searching for ONE remaining drop of alcohol in her house
and she finds it
in the kitchen light fixture
and she drinks it
and everything feels right with the world for a second
but then it's not

yeah...
I know that feeling
it came in the form of a spicy chicken melt from checkers
some fries
and a hot apple pie that burned the roof of my mouth

She didn't care that she'd get sick
for that second she didn't care that she might fall off the step stool and break her neck looking... reaching for a drop of vodka

but for just that second
after that, she cared

i don't know why
i only know what was going on
i wasnt finished with my paper for class
(although I am now)
and my presentation is about what I want to be when I'm done with my education
it's all about me

ugh
I'll be sick tomorrow
I'll log too many calories today
and I'll restart my counter when I get home from school

I hate that "fix" feeling
I hate it and I love it all at the same time
GAH!

New, New, New

The blog has a new skin
the last one was nice but it was too prim and proper for me
too Joan

I like paper lanterns and it IS spring time and while I wait around for Blogger to let me upload MY OWN pic, I'll borrow this one :)

I've been wanting a new car lately
not New new...just new to me new
I think I've talked myself out of it because it's not a necessity
but just the same... I'm gonna go test drive ones I'm interested in
I like boxy cars so I'll try a Scion XB, a Honda Element, a Nissan Cube
but I'd really love to find one of these!

I still have dreams of a coolio VW Bus but for now I travel 60 miles round trip 5 days a week to work and just need something more economical. I'd LOVE to make it run on Veggie oil but being practical, it's gotta seat 5 JUST IN CASE the hub's truck isn't feelin it on a particular day.
So realistically, the Element and the mail truck are out...but a girl can dream.

I also experienced a new sensory trigger this weekend.
I'm interpreting a play at a local theater in the next month and went to preview the show yesterday.
I used to direct musical theater for kids and this particular playhouse is geared towards young actors. I also used to do a bit of acting myself so I expected to be excited about being there...
But this was different
And I've felt it before in other performances
and it was DEFINITELY a body feeling not a brain feeling because I STILL don't know how to explain it or WHY I feel it...this one is being bookmarked for Therapy!

I felt like crying
I did get teary
my chest ached...like a pining sort of feeling (or what I imagine pining to feel like)
anxious is not the right descriptive word but it's the only one I can think of
I wasn't being judgemental or thinking "I could do better" it wasn't that kind of feeling at all
I can't explain it and I don't know WHY
Maybe Ms Crawford's spirit really DID attach herself to me in 77 after she died and SHE is pining to be back on the stage....haunting

Well whatever it is I won't forget to mention it on Thursday
and...score one for me, I recognized a physical feeling and it's trigger
I might not understand the motivation...but it's progress

4/16/10

blah.blah.blah.blah.blah.blah.blah....

Joan started talking last night
I have noticed that my fingers only capitalize the first letter of her name so I'm going with that.
It would be a conscious decision and action to change it...and I'm not going that route!

I just started writing for an online info site
I'm excited about it because it's a step in the direction I want to take in the next chapter of my career
I spoke up a bit in group last night
And now all I can hear is...

photo credit
You know, no one wants to hear what you have to say...
You really should've just shut up last night...
What are you doing there anyway...

Sigh...I haven't heard her in a while
but she sat on the arm of the couch last night
she didn't say anything, but I knew she was there

Otherwise, I'm really feeling alright
I don't feel like soothing
I feel like I have my to-do list under control
I'm still proud of writing and I'm going to avoid having to write the biggest-best article in the world and submit something this weekend for publishing...

We're going out with friends tonight
This is a 'do-over' from a few months ago
I feel safe
Looking forward to it
Fretting because I don't know what my tween is doing
but that will all work itself out

You talk too much
You don't know everything
No one else cares

harumph :(

4/15/10

The next BIG thing

If you've read my 100 List or have followed my blog for any length of time, you'll know that one of my aspirations is to be a writer...a published writer.
Yes, I realize that technically everytime I "publish post" I am a published writer but that's not what I mean!

A few weeks ago I submitted a writing sample to Examiner.com.
A few days later I got this...
Dear Babetta,


Thanks for applying at Examiner.com! We have reviewed your information, and think you would make an excellent Orlando Liberal Christian Examiner (in our Religion & Spirituality channel).
It took my breath away to read!

Now I'm official and I published MY FIRST ARTICLE last night.
Writing it came easy and I swear when I hit the "publish" button, I squeeled and jumped out of my seat!
Hub looked at me with a raised eyebrow to which I exclaimed...
"I'm official! I just published my first on-line article!"

Okay now this one DOES feel fantastic
I told everyone I could think to share with RIGHT AWAY
I posted a link on Facebook, I sent emails and texts and messages
I guess I'm *gulp* PROUD of this one ;)

Nearest I can figure I feel really positive about this because it's another step in the direction I REALLY want to go with my life...
there's potential
there's hope
there's change

and I like hopey changey stuff
~grin~

4/14/10

Noticing a trend here...

After today's experience making my point with the credit card company and this month's episode with mom,
I'm seeing that for me, there is something to this speaking up stuff...speaking up.

I have this quote on a bumper sticker....LOVE IT!
That kinda ties in with my spiritual gifts theory seeing as I really didn't shut-up much when I was a kid.
I don't know when that changed...

I do know that these past two experiences have been calming. I can't find a better word than that.
This morning when I finished on the phone...I was a bit exhilarated but I felt resolution...I honored the piece of me that holds a strong belief in paying what I owe AND I spoke up about feeling wronged.

Just like with mom.

And in both cases
each time
at the exact moment the opposite party said, "You're right, I (we) did that..." I felt resolution.

I can hear my therapist now..."resolution isn't a 'feeling' word" how did that make you FEEL?"
Okay
I felt calm
I felt warm
I felt like the puzzle pieces fit together
maybe this is what validation FEELS like?

So now...
I just have to figure out why I tend to avoid this feeling like the plague!
xo




4/13/10

Typing Drills

photo credit
Since vacation I haven't gotten back into the swing of logging my food.

I didn't at all while we were on vaca
I haven't really since I got back
but I have...
I'm making myself do it again
It's not really that I have anything to hide

I'm my 'hungry phase' of the month so I'm using every point I've been given and even last week when I soothed with food I logged it
but i'm just not feeling motivated to do it

Okay so I'm feeling like there's something there
something like why I won't weigh on a scale...not because I'm afraid of what I'll see but because it has to be perfect
So I'm logging through the imperfections
It's just a place to track what I eat not to be perfect
It doesn't have to be pretty
It's pretty because I do it
I REALLY don't think I'm ready to say..."okay I'm not logging my food until April 13, 2011" like some of my other resolutions...but I do need to intentionally rethink the way I approach it and do it even when its not pretty or motivated or inspired
there is no right or wrong
I'm just gathering statistics

Like now
these past two days my intake has been high
but I'm still within my weekly range
I haven't blown it
I don't need a do over
I just need to keep doing


There.

4/9/10

From the Road

Im soothing again
My bones dont know what to do with this newest revelation
Theyre doing what they know how to do
I love you, bones.
We'll figure it out

Incongruency...

Just the thought of something positive scares me
Okay that's not a completely true statement but I can't figure out exactly how to wrap words around this feeling.
The other day, when I ate it was because the prospect of something positive was unfolding in front of me.
In the past, when I've succumb to my worst binges they've always followed something "good" that I'd just done.
I used to think this had to do with my inability to be proud of myself.
After therapy last night, I'm starting to re-work this thought.

I've always considered myself a project-starter. (That's a nice way to say I don't finish stuff)
I've started college 5 times and I'm still a year away from my BA
I've had this podcast idea in my head since November
There pieces of crafts, sewing ideas, gardening articles, home decor projects and recipes lying in unmarked graves of my idea graveyard waiting for their Easter sunrise.

I'm fighting very hard to keep the college-start number at 5 but truth be told I've had to go kicking and screaming against the saboteur voices in my head. I'm terrified of graduating and want to be done already all in the same breath.
My heart swells with purpose when I talk about the ideas I want to incorporate in my podcast and teaching tour, just the words 'podcast' and 'road trip' make my entire body smile.
Sometimes it takes all my muster to get up and put a paint brush in my hand to finish projects around the house and i still have seeds waiting to seed...

When I think about actually finishing school, my insides shirk away from the surface. It's like they curl up in the smalest ball possible and leave me there a shell-of-a-babs.

Yesterday in my individual session we talked about the recent episode with my mother and how I processed it. All in all a good scenario because 1) I didn't eat, 2) I felt my feelings, 3) I expressed my feelings in a healthy way and 4) I got resolution.

From that we started talking through whatever episodes may have happened when I was younger that left this inability for me to trust what someone says. That I must've had several examples (or one doozy) where I heard one thing but tuned into another (because I tune in like that...its a mad-skill of mine).
That didn't resonate...
For some reason, while my therapist was talking I started to think maybe it wasn't hearing good things about myself that I didn't believe...but good things about life in general. (that's not quite what I meant but I can't find words for that right now).

For example...when I was young, my parents told me all their marital troubles were over.
I remember that day CLEARLY...I walked in the door, there stood mom and dad hugging and smiling and mom said, "Look, we're fine now no more worry."
I didn't believe that.
I was younger than 10 but older than 8.
My life was supposed to be "good" and "okay now" but it didn't feel that way
http://www.nataliedee.com/
incongruency

Stepping out on this great adventure of my future path to change the world
Good thing...will be fantastic...totally ready to DIVE in, ideas coming out of my eyeballs I'm so on fire about it. But I freeze at the edge and won't even put my toe in because
it's supposed to be good and life will be okay now
but I don't believe it will
so I get in my own way and I douse the flames
so it never has a chance to be good
congruency...

What was said to be good, was not good at all
I don't like 'good' so I avoid it at all costs
I protect myself from it
I get in my own way so as not to attain it

But...
I think my marriage is good, and I don't feel an aversion to it at all
We talked about that for a while too
My marriage is good because it works
and I mean it's work
We work at it
it's not perfect
we each have our own demons and we struggle dealing with what life throws us on any given day
and dang...we have two tweens and a teen so of course it's work!
But we laugh and we talk and we giggle and we share and we vent and we listen. We sigh and we snark and we comfort and we support...
Several times just this week alone I've been reminded not only of how much I love my hub, but how much I love our marriage because it('s) work(s).

I don't understand the disconnect there yet
Why I'm afraid to finish my degree but not afraid of my marriage
But we've at least opened something that sent reverberations out my toes.

I don't want to eat every time I do something or feel something is good because I won't fit into the RV at the end of my national tour! ~grin~

4/8/10

Eulogy

Okay...just so you know, you cannot comment on this post.
I've turned off that feature because I don't wanna know what YOU'd say at my funeral, I already know you think I'm wonderful.
Gee, that sounds rather pompous but... writing my own Eulogy is a therapy homework assignment. It was assigned THREE WEEKS ago and due tonight, nothing like procrastinating huh?
Actually, I've tried to start a few times and just this morning got a good feel for where I'm going with it...
but then I realized the POINT of the assignment because I just can't get my fingers to write it, type it heck I can't even say it.

A eulogy (from εὐλογία, eulogia, Classical Greek for "good words") is a speech or writing in praise of a person or thing, especially one recently deceased or retired.
In praise of
*choke*
That's why I can't type
I'd have to say good things about myself
Like I told you...about my therapist? She's good...

So I started with the idea that I live intentionally
(maybe the whole writing in 3rd person was throwing me I dunno)
I want people to remember me for living on purpose.
I consider myself an everyday learner and wish to be so until I have no days left.
As we know better, we do better so my goal is to do better-er every day :P
I thrive on conversation and the intricacies of communication and I love teaching others those same intricacies. I believe communication is the heart of every relationship and relationship is what life is all about.
I'm learning how to communicate with myself.

I truly believe that I can make a difference and in my own little (or big) way, change the world
I believe that I see things in ways others don't and when they trust me, I will share my insights.
I may not always be right, and it's not about being right...it's about where my thoughts and words come from.
My thoughts and words come from a place of pure positive intention. What anyone does with my thoughts, words, or actions once I have done them is not for me to condone or admonish...it is just mine to act out of pure honesty, authenticity.
Hopefully, my actions model the same and I've inspired other authenticitizens and will continue to do so.

I want people to always know where they stand with me.
Honesty doesn't mean cruelty...there are ways to be honest without being mean...but the cruelty one suffers after learning what they believed is a lie is the worst feeling in the world and I never want anyone to experience that pain as a result of my actions or words.

I want people to feel better, better about themselves, their surroundings and their potential, after meeting me.
I want to always have a word, a smile or a look that lets whomever it is know that they are loved and valued; from my daughter to the panhandler outside the local gas station to the politician I vehemently disagree with.

I want everyone to realize that everyone has value and purpose and was created in love.
That God loves everybody...whether you like it or not...so you might as well, cause it doesn't hurt to be on the Big Guy's (Girl's?) good side.

Did you know YOU were created with a purpose?
Not just some hum drum way to drudge through life. There's actually an IMPORTANT reason why you are here. This is why it is so VERY important that you ARE YOU...I mean the YOU you were created to be.
So many of us hide under masks or try to be something we're not...we do this for so many reasons but ultimately it's because for some reason we don't think we're special or good enough just the way we are. OR WORSE that something is WRONG with us.
My teachers always said I talked too much and my friends said I was bossy because I always thought I knew better than they did.
See...those are just my spiritual gifts in hiding
yeah I love to talk...look, I'm talking to you now and I have SOMETHING TO SAY that is good!
I don't think I'm too bossy now but I will tell you...once I've learned something awesome I can't help but wanna share it.

I'm the weird one and I don't mind
I dance in the kitchen while I'm stirring the sauce
I quote random song lyrics at the drop of a hat
I speak my mind even when my voice shakes
I love you even when I don't like your behavior
I believe it never hurts to ask and that it's always okay to say 'no'
I don't have to change the world, but as I change me...the world changes too

I'm far from perfect
I still struggle with my own demons
but I'm honest about them...and I'm changing because of that, and change is good.

I'm a Christian and my faith is the center tentpole of my life
I disagree with lots of Churchianity
I can admit when I'm wrong but will keep speaking when I feel that something just isn't right

Above all, I want you to know that being yourself is the best gift you can give God (Sam, the Universe, your IDA). You were created JUST THE WAY YOU ARE for a reason
Don't change it ...if you do, well then you can't do what you were created to do
because only YOU can do that thing
and we need you
:)