...so I don't eat

I'm going to go to bed soon...so I don't eat

but I write so I don't eat...so I'll do some of that first
I guess there are a lot of reasons why I might WANT to eat
my hub is snowboarding
i'm premenstrual
the condition of my house is bugging me (probably because i'm premenstrual and my hub is snowboarding)
i submitted a presenter application for 3 workshops at an upcoming weekend conference
ACK

I didn't really have any problems typing up my application and tweaking my resume (although I do need a presenter's resume...not an job hunt resume...maybe after I can add these 3 to my list of accomplishments I'll do that...)
I made a plan with my bff and gave myself a deadline of tonight.
She very kindly reminded me that today was Wednesday...submission d-day
and I knew when the sun went down, the laptop opened.

I did it
I even posted a FB status about it
and somewhere inside I'm nervous about it
so I'm thinking about the rice crackers I have in the pantry
of course I tell myself I'm not thinking about the boxful...just a few
but I'm telling myself OUT LOUD that I'm not having any and just going to bed
because even if it didn't turn into a binge or an indulgence...it would be a food soothe because I'm really not needing/wanting food for nourishment
so I just need to sleep
but that's hard
because the hub is snowboarding
sigh

So instead, I'll think about presenting this June
Two theatrical interpreting workshops and a yoga workshop for interpreters
Sharing what I've learned and put into practice, sharing what works for me, learning what works for others and networking

Yeah...networking
although I don't know that I want to go on the interpreting workshop circuit
I do know that I want to be teaching/presenting/mentoring in some capacity (actually...more about authenticity and finding self) Isn't that ironic. So this foray into the presenting world in more than just my backyard is a good step for me.

I don't need to eat something because I'm proud of an accomplishment. You haven't accomplished anything yet.  There is the potential for a binge here...but thankfully, I have enough people who 'know' that I can turn to that I think I can keep the counter rolling.

I also promise to be cognizant of any other sabotaging behavior
I have a biology test next Tuesday to study for
I have a concert coming up in a couple of weeks to prep for
I have a garden I'd like to work on this week
oh yes, and there is my 5K week after next

all of these are things I might 'passively kill' in order to avoid the accomplishment
but now you know about them
I don't have to do any of them perfectly...but I will do all of them.

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Serve up a piece of Self Pie

The other day I mentioned that I was "that" girl in group therapy...yeah I was the one that broke down.
I think when I wrote it...I was bashing the idea...well JOAN was at least, but now as I think about it...that's what is supposed to happen in a process group. Another member responded to something that I said and it SMACKED my trigger HARD!

We each created our own Self-Esteem pie chart. The exercise does not measure whether you have high or low self esteem. Instead, the focus is on 'what' is important to you when you evaluate your own self-worth. You had to rate all the things in your life that you are using right now to evaluate yourself as a person. Identify the different domains of your self-esteem and then draw a wedge into the pie to represent each domain. The size of the wedge represents the importance of that domain...
Some of the suggested wedges were

• personality
• appearance
• volunteer work
• creativity
• relationships
• athletic ability
• artistic ability
• spirituality
• morals/attitudes/values (honestly, openness, speaking up, helping others, not being taken advantage of)
• weight
• shape
• performance at work/school
• talents
• hobbies
• role as a mother/sister/partner, mentor
• competence/knowledge in certain areas
• achievements.

Right away I wanted to draw TWO circles...I immediately felt a JOAN circle and a babs circle...but I resisted the urge and just put my pencil to paper.

SLICE and half the pie as gone, performance at work/school and competence/knowledge in certain areas ate up 1/2 the pie in one gulp. The remaining half was cut into 4 pieces: one for Morals/attitudes/values, one for role as mom/partner/mentor, one for appearance (weight/athletic ability/shape), and one was split into 6 tinier pieces...spirituality, relationships, hobbies, talent, artistic ability, and creativity...

When it was my turn to share, although we didn't have to...
I found myself truly sad that the things I THINK I find so important,
the qualities that I encourage OTHERS to consider when they define themselves...
are so very very tiny on my pie chart

Of the remaining slices...even those needed explanation...you see they APPEARED good, but they were laced with JOAN.
It's not a bad thing that I treasure my role as a mom or spouse or mentor...
but my self esteem hangs on being a perfect mom, spouse or mentor.

Morals and values are at the heart of my personal code of conduct (which surprisingly is very unJOAN)
but my self esteem hangs on having impeccable morals and values

Weight/Appearance...well we all get that one that's why I type here and you read this stuff right...?

Okay so that was a tough enough pill to swallow I mean really...my spirituality takes up a smidge of my self esteem pie? What about my creativity and talents?

But then...my own drawing took my breath away because 'achievements' was very intentionally placed OUTSIDE the circle

I don't remember writing it there...but JOAN does
I do not count my achievements
I pack them away in a Rubbermaid bin and store them in the storage closet...
they do not count

Yes, that was a lip quiver moment
THAT was when my voice got shaky and a fellow group member screamed what Babs has been wanting to say all along...WHY?!?! Why wouldn't you be proud of that? Why...oh MY you should be so proud of yourself

and I shrunk
and cowered
and sunk into the poofy chair I was in
hiding further under the blanket I had thrown over my lap
I couldn't breathe...and I couldn't stop my eyes from leaking...and I couldn't tell her why

BECAUSE...I didn't really deserve those accolades, it was freak luck that I finished anything well at all, someone felt sorry for me and gave me a consolation prize...and if I DID get anything on my own merit, look how long it took me to complete the task...

Because no one likes a show off, dear. You do better not to be proud, pride cometh before a fall...and you know that all too well don't you...

Yes, I do...because when I am proud of myself...I eat and eat and EAT and EAT AND EAT until there is nothing to be proud of...until I have SO much to feel bad about I never want to be proud of myself again...

But not any more...
I feel the little prideJOANdemons trying to talk me out of my 5k
I have to sort of fast walk it because of my ITB issues
so is it really even worth doing i mean how silly is that...WALK a race!
Every mile to the race location and every day leading up to it is practice in telling JOAN to Shut Up
but my bones listen to her...and my little medal that I'll get...the completion medal...yeah the Rubbermaid bin has cleared a spot for it

Maybe I'll put it on a piece of leather cord and make it my latest fashion accessory
along with my tiara...

That sounded good, sounded strong and defiant
but it wasn't really...and JOAN sneered
sigh...

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

I had group last night
I was THAT girl...I'm the one that cried
and I have a whole lot to say about my experience...but right now there are more pressing things on my mind.

I'm wrestling with the same old demons about going out tonight. My hub and I are headed to 'poker night' at a friend's house from our old church. Love the friends still close.
I keep hearing that I would just rather hang out with my hub.
I'm going to do something that I don't know how to do (play poker) with people I haven't seen in a long time (I was the worship leader at this church for 6 years...my hub and I were married there...)I'm putting myself in a situation where there will be food for easy grazing/soothing and I'm starting to shrink inside

I know I have to go
the only way I get through these things is to go through them

But I don't really wanna go (I'm not sure who is speaking there so I'm holding off on the editing)
I do have to work in the morning, and again tomorrow night
It has been a long week and my hub will be gone for a week starting on Sunday
Am I just making up excuses or are those valid reasons to politely excuse myself?

I'm not sure what to do about the food thing I'm thinking maybe I should eat
ahead of time then bring some safe stuff to munch? But I don't want to
mindlessly munch...
Weight watchers teaches you to eat something before you go to a party or an event where there will be food so you're full and not tempted to eat
Ahem...that just means I'll eat twice.
After lunch...I have 10.5 points left for the day/week and my week ends today

What if this really is something I'm not ready for yet
What if this isn't just JOAN keeping me from doing something fun but a situation I'm not strong enough for?
I've told my date...so he knows and he understands

I think I wanna get something 'safe' to drink...coz I'll just mindlessly drink if I don't let myself eat ...maybe some sparking water? I dunno?!?!?!

I haven't heard MY OWN voice enough to know what it sounds like
Just yesterday in therapy Tara and I discussed whether there was ever a time when I said NO
Do I ever remember standing up for myself...and I really can't...maybe when I was alone I'd say "I do SO know what I'm talking about" towards my mom or my sister but I never said it to JOAN...even my pinky toe agreed with her...even way back then

trying to plan
ugh...it's hard to let Babs win!

This has been an anxiety attack waiting to happen
If I screw up tonight, after this emotional week...and my hub is gone all week next week...i'm just TOTALLY setting myself up for failure. And while this may sound like something JOAN would say...the tears coming to my eyes are saying either way I need to pay attention

My hub and I just decided not to go, we're gonna have some us time tonight (since we have no kids tonight either)...I'll get my love language in extra doses to make it through to next weekend :)

I'm gonna tell our host the truth...I trust her enough to share this piece of me
That, and the more I'm honest about my reasons, the more I know it's me making the decisions
JOAN would lie
Babs does not

how many days has it been???
I need to keep looking up

Even when she doesn't want to

"Today, no matter where I'm going and no matter what I am doing, it is my dominant intent to see that which I am wanting to see." --- Abraham

Excerpted from the workshop in Boca Raton, FL on Sunday, January 12th, 1997 #351

Babs got kicked in the gut yesterday
These things happen...life is full of ups and downs and challenges that make us rethink our actions, behaviors, thoughts, relationships and goals.
It knocked the wind out of me
JOAN made sure I stayed down for a while and is still trying to keep me there.

The interesting development in all of this is...I actually allowed myself to experience a feeling
an uber ucky one at that

I felt it in all it's glory and paid attention to each manifestation it had in my body.
This is big for me, remember I'm the body-cut-in-half girl and where my head goes, the body does not always follow and where my body goes...the head does not always understand.

So my heart became agitated...not my physical heart, although I'm sure my heart rate was elevated for a while...but my heart chakra. I felt myself CLAMP down around that energy center and bind up...
My Babs was so entangled in that anger my stomach was churning and my mind was clicking through images like an old movie projector...and they weren't good ones.


But they weren't bad ones either.
My mind was standing up for itself
'Hey, if this is what you think about me then fine...I don't care...I don't much like you anyway'


That was the gruff side
the more diplomatic side was thinking
'We don't all have to agree all the time...you have your opinion, I thank you for sharing it with me'
but then adding...
'but I'll take my marbles and go play with the other kids anyway.'


Herein lies the conflict
When someone calls me out on something...i examine it
I mean, as we know better we do better, right?
But I don't wanna see that I could be wrong...I found myself defending my actions when I didn't even REALLY know what I was being called out about.
OY!


But JOAN has stepped in this morning
She sat on the arm of the chair last night as I brooded
But this morning she's taken a different tactic (probably because I didn't resort to food last night...yes the counter is still counting)
This evening I'm supposed to present to a group of soon to be newbies in the world of interpreting about Performance Interpreting. This is my niche. I have a certain philosophy through which I approach my work, it works for me and I've been asked to share it. 


But dear, this is the exact thing that this current flare up is about...so obviously your perspective is not a positive one. And really, why are you taking that drive again...you know you're just putting yourself at risk for that ugly behavior of yours.


You know what happens every time you try to assert yourself and flount your 'talent' no one likes a show off dear. You're not the queen bee you know, better to keep yourself humble and just stay home. Just send an email, say you're not up to the drive (because truly...you're not, you'll fail again and we'll be back at square one). Just stay home tonight dear. You'll be gone 3 nights out of the week this week and that's rather selfish of you.


Oh my GOD
so much of my body agrees with her...if my bones could nod they would
SHUT UP JOAN
Heck yeah I'm scared
Heck yeah it's risky
I'm not sure how to deal with 'proud' feelings and really just wish I had someone to go with me so I could see this whole thing through without screwing it up
But JOAN is not me
Everything she says is WRONG
and I'm vehemently shaking my head NO!


I'll make the drive
I'll share what I know
I'll drive back home


and before I leave...I'll pack good snacks in the car and make sure the iPod is charged with my favorite songs.


sigh
my body is not agreeing with my head yet


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Here comes that shrinking feeling....

Right now I am sitting with an angry heart and a sick stomach
It feels like an angry heart
But anger is dominant...and I am shrinking inside...not a very dominant feeling
Focusing on the one bad thing instead of the many many good things
And I'm not even fucking talking about my food issues (yes A, that one was for you!)


This shrinking feeling makes me want to eat...somewhere inside I want to eat
But I don't really want to eat
The hub offered me a stiff drink...I don't really want that.
I don't want to FEEL this feeling...but I don't want to numb it either

I really just wanna let words out of my mouth...the truth hurts
So I need to sit with them for a while
Because I am not a hurt-causing person
I won't hide the truth...but I won't tell you with the intention of hurting you

OHHHHHHH MYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOODDDDDD

I feel like I wanna puke and like I'm in knots all at the same time.

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Sit with this

That's how my last therapy session ended
No homework
Nothing new to think about
Just sit with all the stuff that came up
I'm human
I'm not a super-hero-woman
JOAN isn't really Joan
well of course she's not...why would Joan Crawford take up residence in my brain come on now...although, it is an interesting side note that she died in 1977 which is around the same time my eating disorder began...so she COULD be Joan.

Alright, of course it's not Joan, JOAN is my neat little package for all the voices that make up my Eating Disorder. But when I SEE those voices...JOAN is who I see so it works for me.

I said "yes, I can admit that perhaps this JOAN character is something I've created so i don't have to blame my mother" during therapy on Thursday. It kinda just flew outta my mouth and my body perked up...usually my head and my body participate in therapy separately.

So I'm sitting with that
Tara mentioned too...that if there is JOAN, it doesn't have to be ME, or my mother
So it's a nice way to compartmentalize the disorder.
I need that
I need my disorder to not BE me
because I am not my disorder

Ever since the young one mentioned that things could be stemming from issues with my mom ...that just doesn't sit well. I mean yes, I know I have child hood issues with mom...but mom being the source of my eating disorder does not resonate well. It doesn't sound right coming out of my mouth and it doesn't sit well in my bones.

So I tried compartmentalizing JOAN (I feel an art project coming on)
There's mom, who made me eat my peas

Dad, who soothed everything with food
Dr Snow who told me I'd grow this way (wide) not this way (tall) because I started my period
There is the ballet teacher who said I had no grace
The school culottes that rubbed the thighs raw
The elementary school gym rope I couldn't climb
There were the middle school girls who sneered behind my back
And the high school boys who wouldn't give me the time of day
But before all of that...before any of it, there was JOAN
She talked to me at night when I was alone in my room
(hrmm...my fingers are just typing here and when I read the words "she talked to me," I felt a little shiver)
I remember her there when my feet barely reached the mid-point of the bed
I remember her balking at things my mom said
So I don't know who JOAN is
but I know she's there
and I know who she's NOT
first and foremost
She's not me

but ...
she's been with me so very long
she just feels right
it just feels like she's supposed to be there
what would I do without her
what will she do without me
I know our relationship is toxic
but shouldn't I care something for her in her old age
hasn't she shaped me into somewhat of a semblance of who I am

why am I grieving the loss of her
why the heck do I care
does she not realize what she's done to me?
OF COURSE she does

ughh...this is NOT where I expected this post to go. Guess I should sit with things more often.

I start group therapy this weekend. It's a process group for compulsive over eaters facilitated by the same therapist I see for my individual sessions. I'll still do my solo work every other week...but I'm trying out the next 4 weeks of this group to see how it feels. Tara says she thinks I'm ready

...ready for what?

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you know, it's funny, I kinda like this picture
i may make it into my 'say no to JOAN' shirt
coz lil one is sticking up for herself and saying no...no matter the consequences
(e x h a l e)

She does what I could never, and still cannot do.

I was JOAN last night.
My daughter is auditioning for her first role in a middle school play and I offered to blow dry her hair and straighten it for her since, imho, it's usually an unruly curly mop an the awkward phase between short and long and...it makes me crazy.
It's part of my distorted Good Girl/Bad Girl perception and last night the words actually came out of my mouth in the direction of my daughter with what could only be heard as malice.

She decided she just wanted to wear her hair curly and I responded with a curt "fine."
She almost gave in, "Nevermind you can do it if you want to."

"Your teacher said you had to look presentable for you auditions...and what does your hair USUALLY look like by the end of the school day. You can't go in there with an unruly mop on your head"

"I like my hair"

OMG...what did I just say? What did I just say?
"Of course you do honey, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to be so horrible. I didn't mean that. I'm really struggling right now. I haven't had my 'drug,' food, in a while now and all these weird beliefs I hold inside about what I'm 'supposed to look like' they're not true, and they ARE NOT true about you"

We cried, we hugged, and cried some more.
I was amazed by her...I was amazed that I let JOAN out of my mouth but my daughter wasn't afraid of her. She just told it like it was..."I like my hair."

I told her how proud I was of her for standing up for herself. I admitted I can't even do that yet...to my own self! "I must not be that bad of a mom after all," I said as she was leaving the room.

"You're not a bad mom, momma," she stopped in her tracks and said right to my face.
"Thanks hon, that's another one of those false beliefs I'll have to get over."

She looked great this morning. She was HERself.
Last night while I was putting together dinner I was being a bit silly, dancing around the kitchen and generally being a goof ball and I told mini me...sorry, it's just my Babsness coming out. She giggled.

I said, "Hey, what's your Bryness?"

"I dunno," she answered.

I think I do.

I'm picking her up from school today, after auditions.

We already have plans to go to Plato's Closet and cash in her store credit...she really wants a pair of skinny jeans. AND we have plans to hit the Twistie Treat for a milkshake...we have PLANS for this, it's not a food soothe thing.

I think I'll tell her about JOAN.
I think I'll ask for her help.
Next time I say or do something hurtful that just doesn't seem like me (to you, someone else, or MYSELF) ...just say "Shut Up JOAN, leave my mom alone."

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C.A.S.E.

I'm a classic c.a.s.e.-er
I Copy And Steal Everything
If I see it and I like it...I copy it!
Heck, if I like the way you're doing something and I think it could work for me...well then voila! The highest form of flattery!
As we know better, we do better...and if you know better, well then I'm learning from you so I can do better too!
All that to say...I stole this from a fellow conquerer I read and she stole it from this site...

There are definitely days when my effort feels like 'not enough.'
As a wife, as a mom, as an employee, as a student, as a human! And we won't even go into how JOAN can make me feel substandard with a glance...
So, time to think on other things because...

Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. Philippians 4:8 ~The Message

1. The things you’re grateful to have

Think of the things you’re grateful for. Food, shelter, family, friends, a car, all the big and small things many aren’t fortunate to have.

• I'm grateful for my job, for my friends, for my Holly Hobbie Lunch box,
• I'm grateful for my hub and kids, for music, my blog, my counselor, for colored pencils and dancing in the kitchen while I put away the dishes.
• I'm grateful for Spirit who loves me and for my resurfacing Babsness! 

2. The things you’re grateful NOT to have

Each of us can come up with something we’re grateful not to have. Perhaps you’re grateful not to have a disease, enormous debts, or perhaps you’re happy you don’t have a lot of money.

• I'm grateful that I don't have MS, that was a real scare last year.

3. What you want to do today

Quick thoughts about the daily goals you want to accomplish and the plans you’ll need to take to get them done.

• I want to get my grocery shopping done and read some more of my book.
• I'll grocery shop this afternoon after work since dinner is leftover lasagna from the weekend and I'll read some tonight while Bm is in tumbling class

4. What the future holds

Think about what tomorrow, the next month, or even the next five years will bring you.

• I look forward to the changes we're making to the house.
• I'm working on a potted garden and can't wait for more fresh herbs to use in the kitchen.
• I'm looking forward to my 5K on March 6th. I'm proud of the fact that I've DECIDED I don't have to be perfect...participating is a HUGE step.
• I'm excited about graduating with my BA.
• I'm excited about writing and teaching and sharing the true knowledge of authenticity with as many people as I can.
• I'm excited to know I'll be able to see Joan Crawford as just another actress!

5. Think about one of your fears

We all have fears, some are big and some are small. Focus your thoughts on one.

•  I'm afraid that we'll get too far behind in our finances.

6. Think of a way to face that fear

Think of one way in which you can face your fear. Even if it’s something small it’ll bring you one step closer to fear’s face.

•  I actually have faced this fear, head on. I pray about it, out loud, with my hub each night before we fall asleep and I've stopped avoiding the situation. I've taken the steps necessary (especially with our house) and I just 'tell it like it is.' Being honest about where I am, what I'm doing and how I'm doing with whomever will listen helps this fear not seem so big and scary
• Gee...sounds a lot like how I'm dealing with JOAN.

7. One new thing you’d like to do

Think of something new you’d like to try. Do this every day you possibly can, you’ll never have too many goals and dreams.

• I'd like to start a podcast.

8. The things you didn’t accomplish yesterday

Think about the things you wanted to get done yesterday, but didn’t. Then plan on getting them done today.

• I would've liked the laundry folded...but Mondays are my long day, so I don't feel any sense of failure for not having done that.

9. Your greatest qualities

Every day think about the things that make you a great person. It’ll give you confidence and ambition to tackle anything.

• I am smart, I am silly, I am a great listener and an encouraging voice.
• I am fantastic at research and love learning.
• I am a great writer and orater.
• I can find the positive in any situation.
• I am a prayer warrior and a great singer.
• I have strong core values and a personal code of conduct that I apply to my work, family and social life.
• I am a talented, skilled interpreter and a budding counselor.
• I am kind, honest-to-a-fault, and validating.
• ...and I like long walks on the beach and dinners by candlelight (LMAO)

10. What you don’t like about yourself

We each have something we don’t like about ourselves. Perhaps you are too fearful, too quiet, or too arrogant.

• I cannot apply any of the above qualities to MYSELF! (ugh!)

11. How you can change what you don’t like about yourself

Think of some ways you can change. Sometimes it doesn’t take as long as you might think.

• Stop listening to JOAN
• She's the one who tells me I cannot succeed and will always fall back on old habits

12. How you can make someone else’s day a little brighter

Maybe send a friend a card to show you’re thinking of them.  Or even just complementing someone can make their day a little brighter.

• I go out of my way to thank people by name.
• When someone does something well, I tell them, right away.
• I admit and apologize when I am wrong.
• I call or text just to say I love you.
• I make time to listen and I'm not afraid to offer a word of mentoring when it is in order. 
• I smile, I'm silly and I laugh out loud.

13. Your life goals

You won’t be able to think of all of your goals in life because you’ll always be adding more to your list. However, think about your current biggest dreams and goals. You can’t forget what you’re aiming for.

• 
  
  I will live free of JOAN
• 
  
  I'll once again have a successful and integrated yoga practice
• 
  
  I will love my body as much as I love my mind and soul
• 
  
  I will be a successful teacher/writer/speaker
• 
  
  I will travel the continent with my hub in a Minnie Winnie
• 
  
  We'll live in a Yurt in Colorado
• 
  
  I'll travel to france with my Soul Sistah and BFF

14. How yesterday’s problems are today’s motivation

Don’t let the problems of your past prevent you from moving forward. Think of how you can use the problems to motivate yourself to change and resolve.

• Those problems are in the past so obviously I have gotten through them...this means I CAN be successful and see things through to completion! There's nothing I can't tackle!

15. You only have one life

Think about this: you only have one shot at life. So make the most out of every second you have. Reminding yourself of this will help you seize each day.

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Demons in the Break Room

The Devil has arrived
Nutty Bars and Cosmic Brownies
Oh the break room at work has been a den of demons for a while, but little debbie takes the cake

You know what the saddest thing is? THEY'RE NOT EVEN THAT GOOD!

I have succumbed to many a binge in the rectangular box of sickeningly sweet individually wrapped snacks.

I absolutely cannot stand the taste or texture of Oatmeal Cream Pies, but I have eaten 6 in a row.

When I really think about it, a Star Crunch really tastes like what I imagine plastic would taste like

Nutty Bars taste like cardboard soaked in grainy peanut butter and Cosmic Brownies taste like chocolate paste!

But oh have I eaten them

and hidden the evidence

and felt the remorse

and in my latter years...the punishment of the gluten tearing up my body.

Hormones have been raging the past few days but I've been able to keep myself in check

And actually...although my heart raced to see the tiny, brightly colored, hard decorations on the cosmic brownies starting up at me from the snack basket...I was able to walk away from them. (I originally typed 'I didn't want them' but that somehow, somewhere felt like a half truth)

I cannot have these in the house

I know this

My kids haven't complained, I keep other snack options in the house

I haven't felt 'S T R E S S E D' to the point lately that I'd mindlessly rip open the plastic and inhale a nutty bar and I've been great about making sure I bring my own food and snacks...

But to be safe...I'm not taking my breaks in the break room...  it seems as though my body appreciates our office iJoy massage chair MUCH more than a damned little debbie snack cake!

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