Analyze This

Heh heh, I love this movie...doesn't hurt either that I like both Billy Crystal and Robert DeNiro's work.

Today's session was great!
If you're in Central Florida (or close) and looking for a good counseling center that focuses on Eating Disorders, I HIGHLY recommend White Picket Fences.

I turned in my homework today...I'm actually quite pleased with it. My collage turned out great...even better than I imagined and, as is always the case with art therapy...it said a lot more than even I realized it said.
I think I'm going to laminate it and put it up in my cubicle. I snapped a picture of it with my phone...I'll see how good the photo turns out and if it's worth sharing I'll post it later.

So yeah, I totally had one of those "you, you're good" moments today in counseling.
Turns out not only my words, but my art (the collage I made) and the sensations I recognize in my physical body are disconnected.

Funny thing...all the 'body' images in my collage were intentionally action shots of the types of things I see myself doing...writing, art, reading, taking photos, gardening, working on the house, etc...no heads. I did that on purpose because it was the action I was going for.
While watching me put it together last night Bm even said "hrmm, I guess you like your head huh?" I chuckled at her observation...but she is wise beyond her years.
My head knows where I want to be...knows the possibilities
My body, is not caving in, is not participating and reminds me regularly that it occupies more space than my head and will eventually win out.
While recounting several 'positive' things that happened during the week...I couldn't find a FEELING word. I felt accomplished...but that's not a FEELING
While recounting some ugly binge moments and struggles...it was only my head that moved and spoke, my body didn't move an inch...I felt like the headless woman from Beetlejuice, but at least in her case, each half is aware of the other!

So we've stumbled onto something here...the best word I could use to explain my 'feeling' was inline...inline with who I SEE myself being
I felt like my collage poster
I was posterized
But that's still not a feeling...no wonder the disconnect.

We also talked about how I'm feeling in OA meetings
I feel a bit incongruent
I don't like the "I" statements.
Even when I was working on my emotional triggers worksheet as I was working through this morning's 'almost-binge' it didn't feel quite right to write "I feel as though I'll just fail again," or "I feel like I can't do anything right."  Because I don't feel that way. The voices in my head TELL me that...but that's not me.
My name is Babetta and I have a compulsive eating disorder.
I am not my eating disorder
I am Babetta

Everything about my OA experience has sounded a bit like JOAN.
You will never be well, you'll always be sick, you'll always be in recovery, you'll always need me and you'll always be a compulsive overeater.
No, no I won't

I am Babetta
I will be well, I am not sick, I am working on recovery, I have all I need inside of me and I will succeed in my journey to overcome my eating disorder.