My drug of choice...

These meetings are going to be hard. Thursday night meetings read from "The Big Book," and there is no Big Book for OA...it's the AA book so we're reading about alcoholism and alcoholics keeping our own addictions in mind. Sometimes we change the word alcoholic with food addict, or alcoholism with compulsive over eating...but some of the stories don't lend themselves that way so we read about the disease of addiction and apply it to our own circumstances.

This is hard, because I've lived with addicts of one sort or another for pretty much my entire life. And yes, I want to change them. I AM that moderate drinker that can take it or leave it and thinks you should be able to as well. I WAS a recreational drug user that couldn't understand how you could blow your paycheck on a knot that was gone in one day...then lose your job because you were high for days and missed work. But I'm also the food addict that gets pissed off when someone says "Oh just one treat every once in a while won't kill you," or, "if you want to lose weight, just don't eat so much." Well DER!

I didn't talk much last night
I did identify with a passage in the story we read about the character's sober self being the antithesis of his true self ...this is SO who I am as a compulsive overeater and have been for years.
At the end of the meeting the leader asked me to pick the closing prayer
PICK?
There are choices?
"um, I don't know, I'm a newbie..."

We open every meeting with the Serenity prayer...so she suggested that would be a good closer that I knew...
"okay"

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference"

I realize something I cannot change if I want to break this cycle
I must face the fact that I cannot use my drug of choice - - I cannot compulsively overeat to soothe myself
This is gonna suck
I am gonna suck
withdrawal is gonna be a bitch
I'M gonna be a bitch
I'm not looking forward to it
I am looking forward to it
UGH

I have a counseling appointment today with Tara
Today we begin working on my Good girl/Bad girl perceptions