Am I different?

I started this journey in March of 2009. This journey of acceptance and self discovery as it relates to why I choose food as my drug.
I began therapy in April of that year and have found a therapist I gel with and have been working with since December.
But am I different?

I don't hear Joan as much anymore
Although I did picture her singing the lyric of the Violent Femmes song...she misses me. The feeling is not reciprocated.

I'm not any thinner in fact I might be heavier.
Not by much.
In fact, I'm about the same weight I was when I met my husband. He reminded me that he fell in love with me.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I mean the physicality of this.
I believe this week I should focus on the WAYS in which I am better for having lived through this past year so that I can shrug off the 'heaviness' I feel in my skin.
This 'heaviness' could have me searching for Joan.

So
Why did I begin this journey in the first place
What was my intended outcome when I started
What is my intention now
Do I need to re-orient myself

I am not any thinner
Am I better in other ways?
Why does thinner have to equal better?
I don't necessarily BELIEVE that equation, but it is what my fingers typed and therefore should be pondered.

If losing SOME weight is part of my intention...why am I not losing any?

This past week in therapy we touched on my need to feel noticed
Not in a "look at me" sort of way but in an "i'm not invisible" sort of way
I wondered, in the past, if I eat in order to make myself larger so that you can't miss me
If that's the case, what is causing me to feel "invisible"

It's been a very long time since I've binged
For you regular readers...you'll notice the counter went away months ago
I'm not defined by my binges
I have had some drive through moments
Not 'drive through for 6' moments...which is an improvement (one way in which I am better)

I FEEL my body now
I feel the rolls in my stomach and the crease of my hips
These feelings are not comfortable
I'm not in search of physical vanity but I do not think comfort is a lofty goal
I wonder if somewhere inside me comfort is something I don't deserve
One of those "good things" that I'm not allowed to have

Okay...that's enough to wonder about today

Sing-A-Long

okay...you probably shouldn't sing-a-long because this isn't a very positive post
just an honest one
and I have Violent Femmes in my head...so if you know the tune, I apologize for the earworm

Today
I feel
Fat

Today
I feel
Really Fat

And cause I feel
Really
Really
Fat

Can't seem to get
My mind off'a that

Today
I feel
Fat

PTHHHH! (yes, I just envisioned Edith Ann in her big yellow rocking chair!)

Results not typical...

I used to be a healthy weight.
I successfully navigated my way through a national program to a healthy goal weight.
I went to work for said program...even applied to the upper administrative levels...

Why is today different?
Why did it work then (nearly 6 years ago) but not now?

My hub asked that this morning...why was it "easier" then?
What was different ...what made the weight come off?

I've thought about this myself a lot lately...especialy given the uncovering of my 'belongingness' triggers.

Well...I had just met him and felt utterly 'belong-ed'
I was working a job with a boss who thought my ideas were the very stars in the sky
I was working with ALL of my creativity...directing music, creating programs, directing musical theater
It did take me nearly 2 years to drop 35 lbs...so it wasn't "easy"
I still binged...albeit on a 2lb bag of carrots not a value menu at a drive through

But now it seems on weeks I follow a healthy plan
I weigh XXX
On weeks I kick the plan to the wind
I weigh XXX
yup
same
FRUSTRATING

Why is today different
BAH!

Things about today

Today I still have Salma Hayek hair...my curls are behaving nicely now that it has grown a bit past awkward.

Today I get my new computer
Today I purchase my domain name for my new website
Today I am very proud of the man that I love, he's facing some demons head on and he's winning
Today I crossed 5 things off of my to do list
Today I ate 2 spoonfuls of m&m's
Today I ate 6 whopper candies
Today I ate a little debbie cosmic brownie
Today, I think, I'm ovulating
Today I have a headache

That little debbie, yeah, it was stale
but i ate it anyway
sigh

Acceptance

I haven't written in a while
Can't really explain why
Some of the reasons I write are

• to avoid a binge
• to work through a feeling
• to document a breakthrough
• to have a place to dump what's in my brain

Guess I haven't really needed any of those things lately

Which...can be seen as a good thing :-)

I turned 38 this past weekend

No, I don't feel any older

We're getting closer to the finishing touches on the living room...I'm am uber excited about this fact

My 'design' self has had a chance to flex her idea muscles and it feels glorious

I've come to a place of acceptance with my size

It's not a bad thing

or an "I'm settling thing"

It's just where I am

It doesn't bother me to buy bottoms that are XL or to start with L tops rather than Mediums

(mind you...I'm talking summer clothes here, not an entire wardrobe of shopping)

I even bought a bathing suit without thinking or blinking twice.

Acceptance is good

“Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.” William James

I start a new kind of therapy next week ...and I'm back to group this week too (due to a hiatus at school).

I am quite excited about the new form of therapy...it's mostly used with those who suffer from PTSD and should be able to help me unlock the disconnect between my brain and my good monster. Yes, I'm still nervous about it...but as my therapist said last week, "You've already lived through it, so you don't have to be afraid."

School is to Food still exists

This week it crept up on me because I FORGOT that I have a Monday night class 

so I didn't have time to fret about it

our campus has moved...so there is no fast food between work and school (bonus)

and hopefully this new therapy will help me unlock the 'is to' portion and move on

These days, I'm feeling good

Marriage is good

Family is good

House is good

Nothing is perfect...and that is good

Ahhh I've missed writing

I look forward to reading your thoughts

more soon...off to finish painting a wall

xo

Raw

Not much more to say than that
I thought maybe letting my fingers fly might find something
Whatever was tapped into today in my individual session
is sorta deep
really visceral
and my Babs is doing all she can to disconnect
so...whatever it is ...it could be ugly
Thankfully...I don't have to do it alone
well, I have each of you...all you beautiful yous out there who share your love with me
and I have a great therapist
she helped me button things up today so I was in a safe place before leaving her office
and we'll pick up where we left off in a couple of weeks.

School most definitely equals food

Yeah I didn't make it past the drive through tonight
I ate taco bell
yup...gluten laden/fat filled Taco Bell

For some reason school is to food like bar is to drink for an alcoholic
you can't expect me to go there and not ____
yeah
so
I need to come up with a plan
I originally thought I would re-work my schedule so that there is time for an individual therapy session prior to class (at least every other week) ...but my campus is relocating finagling that travel time would be extremely inconvenient
more inconvenient than the after effects of a soothe?

So I give all of you permission (those who have my phone number) to text/call words of affirmation, notes to "STOP" every Thursday between the hours of 4 and 6pm EST. (Yes, I know today is Wednesday...class was changed this week due to the big move...)

I think I might figure out how to send myself email reminders
Heck I think I might figure out how to send myself voice reminders so I don't have to text/email while driving

I'm glad the server was down at school tonight...because had I blogged this as it was unfolding, well I would've had much more colorful language...and while it may have been cathartic for me...it would not be as insightful.

Now I'm just tired
could be because of the gluten
but more likely it's because I've been working a lot and it's been a brain sucking kind of week
I think I'll treat myself to an early bed time

:)

It's a Day

It's 4 days until I start my period
It's the first day of my next class (I've been off for 2 weeks)
It's the 4th day of upheaval and controversy at work
...today I have the munchies, I want something cold (but not frozen), squishy and creamy and sweet.
My body was wanting to hit a drive through on the way to class
I drove straight to school instead
My body thought to grab some cash for the vending machine at school
I didn't.

I only grabbed four!

I did grab a few mints from the candy dish in the lobby
they're not cold, squishy or creamy
but I am happy that I paid attention and was cautious

If I had a hammer...

Yes, this was me teaching class a few years ago.
A local paper did an article on Christian Yoga and
it ran nationwide. I was probably at my healthiest
weight here...but still thought I was fat daily

without comparison
without judgement
without expectation

i've been meaning to get back into a regular yoga practice for a while
been meaning to
yeah

I'll get around to that. I have to be intentional about it. I have some changes coming to my work schedule that will either allow me to visit a local studio, or practice at home without kids around.

So part of 'been meaning to' means I think about it a lot.
After, the food episode of last week, well last week AND this week because it's still going on... I thought about the meditation I would use encouraging each participant, and myself, to start each class
without comparison to others ...or self
without judgement of others ... or self
without expectation of others ... or self

I need to apply this to my recovery
especially this stage in my recovery

The National institute of Health said “most defined recovery as total abstinence. However, recovery goes well beyond abstinence; it is experienced as a bountiful ‘new life’, an ongoing process of growth, self-change and of reclaiming the self.”

When I read this...I see total recovery...NO compulsive eating or binge eating. Total abstinence from my disordered behavior.
I'm learning (though not liking) that this is not the case.

According to Bodywise: Recovered means eating and moving in response to body needs most of the time. Your body's needs will vary day to day.
It does NOT mean never eating compulsively again. Bingeing may always be “in your toolbox.” People without BED eat for "emotional" reasons.
It means eating to check out will become rarer and rarer, with less and less food, for shorter and shorter episodes.

It means one episode will not, by default, lead to another.
It means an episode will get your attention right away; you will know the real need, let go of any anger at yourself for eating, and meet the real need as best you can.
Recovery is a journey, not a destination. You will recover at the rate that is just right for you!

I'd love to never binge again
I'd love to not feel a prisoner to food
I find myself resenting any food plan, even a healthy, non-restricting plan
I don't want to count, I don't want to measure, I just want to eat like "normal" people do
I wouldn't eat like the average american...because I actually like real, whole foods...
I just want to nourish my body
without having to obssess over it forget obssesing...just THINKING about it lately has been stressing me out
BUT...I don't want to gain weight
I am not (like many of my friends who struggle with ED) at a healthy weight, I'm on the cusp of 'overweight/obese' according to my BMI and that is after losing around 16 pounds over the past several months. I don't want to climb, I don't need to be a skinny mini, but I do want healthy.

I'd love to never binge again
but I know that is an unrealistic goal.

Somehow, when I struck out on my own I wound up with some of my father's old tools. I think it swirled around my parents divorce. Dad didn't use his old tools anymore, mom used them as antique decorations and I snagged some because I had childhood memories of them. I used to go on tty repair calls with my dad and his tools all had a certain 'worked with' smell about them.

Of all the tools I adopted, I still have his old craftsman hammer. Back in the day when it was just me and Bm, I used it for everything.
Now I have other tools, and the hub has several hammers that I use.

Not long ago I wanted to hang a picture and the hubs tools were in other places.
Dad's hammer did the trick.
I don't use it often, or even think about using it often but there are times when I need it ...and it does the job

I don't binge often, or even think about binging as often as I used to
but there are times when I binge...for some reason I need to,
and it does the job

Neutral Information

I stepped on the scale last week.

Back in January I vowed to not step on the scale until January 2011

I am a scale junkie
I can step on it 10 times in a row
go pee
step on it again
change my clothes
step on it again
move it to a different part of the room
and step on it again
so I decided to stop stepping on it

But last week, I stepped on it
It takes a bit of effort to actually step on my scale
It has to be dug out from under the armoire and plugged in UNDER my desk so obviously I was on a mission...I just wanted to seeeeeee.
Funny thing is, once I got on it, I couldn't remember what I weighed the last time I stepped on a scale.
For a few minutes I wanted my weight to be less... but less than what?
I thought I would feel bad about stepping on the scale, and I did for a minute or two.
I thought I'd become a scale junkie again...
But honestly, I packed it up and put it back where it lives and didn't think twice about it...other than to 'fess up that I weighed and we're uncovering my need to 'fess up in counseling, turns out there is something to that too.

But for now, reflecting on the scale
it wasn't good information
it wasn't bad information
it was neutral information
which is what a scale is SUPPOSED to be

STOP

Yesterday it was this....

This morning it's these...

Nearest I can figure I'm popping sugar to get rid of this headache...gotta love a menstrual migraine coz NOTHING gets rid of them

Did you read that Babs? Nothing, not even the sugar so STOP!

There, that should help

It's been months since I let the breakroom woo me

I still have a headache but I'll deal

better than having a headache AND a guiltache!

Joan has been awkwardly silent lately...

that fix

Do you remember the scene in pay it forward where Helen Hunt's character tears the house apart frantically searching for ONE remaining drop of alcohol in her house
and she finds it
in the kitchen light fixture
and she drinks it
and everything feels right with the world for a second
but then it's not

yeah...
I know that feeling
it came in the form of a spicy chicken melt from checkers
some fries
and a hot apple pie that burned the roof of my mouth

She didn't care that she'd get sick
for that second she didn't care that she might fall off the step stool and break her neck looking... reaching for a drop of vodka

but for just that second
after that, she cared

i don't know why
i only know what was going on
i wasnt finished with my paper for class
(although I am now)
and my presentation is about what I want to be when I'm done with my education
it's all about me

ugh
I'll be sick tomorrow
I'll log too many calories today
and I'll restart my counter when I get home from school

I hate that "fix" feeling
I hate it and I love it all at the same time
GAH!

Typing Drills

photo credit

Since vacation I haven't gotten back into the swing of logging my food.

I didn't at all while we were on vaca
I haven't really since I got back
but I have...
I'm making myself do it again
It's not really that I have anything to hide

I'm my 'hungry phase' of the month so I'm using every point I've been given and even last week when I soothed with food I logged it
but i'm just not feeling motivated to do it

Okay so I'm feeling like there's something there
something like why I won't weigh on a scale...not because I'm afraid of what I'll see but because it has to be perfect
So I'm logging through the imperfections
It's just a place to track what I eat not to be perfect
It doesn't have to be pretty
It's pretty because I do it
I REALLY don't think I'm ready to say..."okay I'm not logging my food until April 13, 2011" like some of my other resolutions...but I do need to intentionally rethink the way I approach it and do it even when its not pretty or motivated or inspired
there is no right or wrong
I'm just gathering statistics

Like now
these past two days my intake has been high
but I'm still within my weekly range
I haven't blown it
I don't need a do over
I just need to keep doing


There.

From the Road

Im soothing again
My bones dont know what to do with this newest revelation
Theyre doing what they know how to do
I love you, bones.
We'll figure it out

Incongruency...

Just the thought of something positive scares me
Okay that's not a completely true statement but I can't figure out exactly how to wrap words around this feeling.
The other day, when I ate it was because the prospect of something positive was unfolding in front of me.
In the past, when I've succumb to my worst binges they've always followed something "good" that I'd just done.
I used to think this had to do with my inability to be proud of myself.
After therapy last night, I'm starting to re-work this thought.

I've always considered myself a project-starter. (That's a nice way to say I don't finish stuff)
I've started college 5 times and I'm still a year away from my BA
I've had this podcast idea in my head since November
There pieces of crafts, sewing ideas, gardening articles, home decor projects and recipes lying in unmarked graves of my idea graveyard waiting for their Easter sunrise.

I'm fighting very hard to keep the college-start number at 5 but truth be told I've had to go kicking and screaming against the saboteur voices in my head. I'm terrified of graduating and want to be done already all in the same breath.
My heart swells with purpose when I talk about the ideas I want to incorporate in my podcast and teaching tour, just the words 'podcast' and 'road trip' make my entire body smile.
Sometimes it takes all my muster to get up and put a paint brush in my hand to finish projects around the house and i still have seeds waiting to seed...

When I think about actually finishing school, my insides shirk away from the surface. It's like they curl up in the smalest ball possible and leave me there a shell-of-a-babs.

Yesterday in my individual session we talked about the recent episode with my mother and how I processed it. All in all a good scenario because 1) I didn't eat, 2) I felt my feelings, 3) I expressed my feelings in a healthy way and 4) I got resolution.

From that we started talking through whatever episodes may have happened when I was younger that left this inability for me to trust what someone says. That I must've had several examples (or one doozy) where I heard one thing but tuned into another (because I tune in like that...its a mad-skill of mine).
That didn't resonate...
For some reason, while my therapist was talking I started to think maybe it wasn't hearing good things about myself that I didn't believe...but good things about life in general. (that's not quite what I meant but I can't find words for that right now).

For example...when I was young, my parents told me all their marital troubles were over.
I remember that day CLEARLY...I walked in the door, there stood mom and dad hugging and smiling and mom said, "Look, we're fine now no more worry."
I didn't believe that.
I was younger than 10 but older than 8.
My life was supposed to be "good" and "okay now" but it didn't feel that way

http://www.nataliedee.com/

incongruency

Stepping out on this great adventure of my future path to change the world
Good thing...will be fantastic...totally ready to DIVE in, ideas coming out of my eyeballs I'm so on fire about it. But I freeze at the edge and won't even put my toe in because
it's supposed to be good and life will be okay now
but I don't believe it will
so I get in my own way and I douse the flames
so it never has a chance to be good
congruency...

What was said to be good, was not good at all
I don't like 'good' so I avoid it at all costs
I protect myself from it
I get in my own way so as not to attain it

But...
I think my marriage is good, and I don't feel an aversion to it at all
We talked about that for a while too
My marriage is good because it works
and I mean it's work
We work at it
it's not perfect
we each have our own demons and we struggle dealing with what life throws us on any given day
and dang...we have two tweens and a teen so of course it's work!
But we laugh and we talk and we giggle and we share and we vent and we listen. We sigh and we snark and we comfort and we support...
Several times just this week alone I've been reminded not only of how much I love my hub, but how much I love our marriage because it('s) work(s).

I don't understand the disconnect there yet
Why I'm afraid to finish my degree but not afraid of my marriage
But we've at least opened something that sent reverberations out my toes.

I don't want to eat every time I do something or feel something is good because I won't fit into the RV at the end of my national tour! ~grin~

Verbal Vomit

I don't know why I started eating but I did notice I started
had some left over pork fried rice when I got home from work and a cheese stick
that wasn't too bad...logged it...all good
It's gonna be around 8 or so before dinner with all the household extracurriculars and I had a bowl of soup for lunch.
Then I got munchy
so I had 4 graham crackers with some home made strawberry jam
then I got out the peanut butter
then I ate the rest of the jam
yup
right out of the jar
now mind you, there was maybe 1/4 cup of jam left but really? right out of the frickin jar?
then I had some roasted peanuts
probably about a cup full in all
ugh
and you know what
my brain wanted more
I stopped because my daughter had to head off to tumbling
we got there and found out it was cancelled tonight which is a good thing because I really couldve been at risk for dropping her off and hitting the 7-11 for some fritos or some other gloriously awful binge type food
WHY?
I'm soothing
but WHAT?
It hasn't been a bad day...in fact, it's been an awesome day
I figured out a catchy brand for my podcast/blog and started brainstorming the episode schedule
I had lots of good laughs with my BFF
Works was good
I felt a little teary watching something funny on TV (I don't get that...tears at funny?)
I'm not premenstrual or menstrual...that was last week
so WHY?

JOAN is being oddly quiet

Since I'm just thinking out loud here I'm gonna run with the idea that maybe it's because I'm excited about my podcast/blog idea
I want to travel
I want to write
I want to teach/lecture/counsel
and I thought of a real deal brand/concept that encompasses everything I want to travel/write/teach/lecture/counsel about
I feel excited about it
I feel like it's something I can do and be good at
I feel like it could really make a difference in the world...or at least my little sphere of influence

But you'll never do it
you get these ideas and then they just sit there, on a shelf
who will hire you
how much will you charge
how will you ever make money at this
who will even listen to you
hell only 4 people read your blog

Ahhh...there she is
sigh

I stopped eating
I told my daughter
I told the blogosphere...all 4 of you
I restarted my counter
and I'm staying true to myself
Authentic
I am what I am and that's all I can be

If it's not one thing, it's my mother

I have to say something to my mother
I'm angry and I don't care that I'm angry
Mom says one thing to my face, and another to everyone else and I hate that. I've always hated that no matter who has done it.
This time she said something ABOUT my daughter
and my daughter knows that she did it
and I couldn't even look at her yesterday
gee I must be pissed because these short phrases are starting to get annoying but I can't seem to string together more words with any sense of coherence or grammatical structure (never mind correctness which probably isn't even a word)

BIG BREATH IN
BIG BREATH OUT

Last night was the first twinge I got that JOAN really could be my mother in disguise
Last night was the first time ever that I explained to my sister (from whom I'm sorta estranged) that I am in individual and group therapy for an eating disorder
Mom didn't really say anything...but she pooh-poohed the whole notion with everything but her words
My sister got it, was very surprised to hear...but she got it and hugged me for being so brave to go through it and work on it.

I feel yucky inside
Like I want her to just go away
very much how I feel about JOAN

Mom, you need to know that Bm was quite upset to hear that you lied to her about whether or not you liked her hair. You see, she doesn't care whether you like it or not, she likes it. She understands that not everyone 'gets' her fashion sense or style. What she doesn't understand is why her own grandmother would lie to her about how beautiful she was with her new 'do. Or why she had to hear from a man she'd never met before that her grandmother really doesn't like it and has been talking about it. Don't you see that now she won't believe you when you tell her she's beautiful

photo credit

Don't you know this is why I don't feel special
I'm not a smart cookie and I'm not "so special"
You said these things to me over and over again to make me believe them
but somehow early on I knew they weren't true
I still don't think they're true
I can never be smart enough and I can't be proud of myself without sabotaging my very being and happiness in the same breath.

You are not allowed to tell me what a great mother you think I am and the berate my kids behind my back
You are not allowed to tell me what a wonderful man I married and then tell others you don't think our marriage will last
Please do not say how beautiful you think my home is
Do not tell me you think I look thin
Do not compliment my eyes and search for hugs and kisses
I do not know you
I do not know what is true
Do not feign that you care about my father as you inquire about his well being
Do not
Do not
Do not

My body cringed and went numb when you sought hugs yesterday
My mind fought to focus hard on the newest addition to our family yesterday and strained to avoid your gaze
I did not want to be around you
I did not want to talk to you
I wanted to tell you off
I think I just might

I usually feel better after I blog
today I do not
this is yucky
:-(

Trusting that Babs knows what's good for herself

Of the gajillions of diets/food plans/programs I've tried in the past...one was actually 'successful' in that I managed to lose weight and keep it off, I even became a meeting leader for the company.
Those successes started to fade not necessarily because the program itself was 'bad,' it just wasn't complete in that it didn't get to the crux of my emotional motivators for eating.

So...now that I'm getting the emotional support through therapy, group and my blog, I'm 'following' the guidelines again on my own. I'm not going to meetings or anything like that because I'm happy with the current support network sessions I have going, but I am logging my food on line keeping within the parameters the system sets up. Well, sortof.

See, if you remember I'm not weighing anymore. I haven't weighed since January 25, 2010. In fact, I've created a new blog page JUST to list new ways I have of measuring my success. (pssst, today I'm wearing pants I haven't worn in a year!!)

So, there's the rub
Sorta
This plan assigns food credits based on weight
the more you weigh, the more credits you get
as you lose weight, you decrease your food credits.

But I'm not weighing myself
I will not
The scale is NOT and has never been my friend...even during aforementioned "success."

Now, let's helicopter back to 2005 when I was 'at goal' and leading meetings
Even then I argued that I felt best, and noticed the greatest success at a certain credit level
When I went lower, I felt undernourished and struggled to make sure I got in my dairy/fats/meats/etc
When I went higher, I gained weight.
But I never trusted myself to just set my food credit level and have a devil may care attitude about what credits I was supposed to stick to.

Now if you remember, I started counting because of the damn doctor scale.
At the time, I started at my favorite credit level.
I'm having success...check out the page!
I know I've 'lost' according to the scale that I'm not stepping on
but I don't know how much
so I can't adjust my credits

JOAN wants to adjust the credits
You have to change your credits, it won't work if you don't decrease your credits. Do you think the professionals are stupid? They obviously know what they're doing they've created the program and it's a worldwide success. You really just need to give up this pettiness and step on the scale and do this right.

I thought about just making up a number ...something that represented how much I think I have lost, just to change my credits...but somewhere I knew that would be me caving into what JOAN wants...and my original intention was to trust my theory.

It's my theory
It might be wrong but I won't know unless I try it
There's been NOTHING that has led me to believe that it is wrong thus far (hello pants!)
so I need to trust myself
I'm trusting myself
I'm sticking with my current level of credits
I'm feeding myself well
I'm seeing successes
and JOAN can go stuff it :P

Asking for a recount

In the 2000 presidential election, Al Gore won the popular vote but lost the election.
If you lived in Florida at the time, you were the butt of the country's jokes as the awarding of Florida's 25 electoral votes was hanging by a chad. It was the closest election since 1876 and only the fourth election in which the electoral vote did not reflect the popular vote.

My decision to write this post does not reflect the popular vote. JOAN doesn't quite know what to think, my body is anxious and my mind is torn between whether this is a 'confession' or just a step in the process.

JOAN has been trying to play the semantics card.
I used food to soothe today...in a different way than I usually have, or mean when I say "use food to soothe."
There you go eating again, if you're really honest you'll write about it...but you won't because you're already wondering whether or not this counts" 


I stayed home from work and school today because I'm suffering from last night's gluten ingest.
My stomach has been VERY unhappy all day and eating has been touch and go today.
I think somewhere in the recess of my mind, this feels a lot like what my stomach would feel like towards the end of a binge and I'd keep eating until the 'feeling' went away.

A couple of times today I ate because I was hoping to get away from the uncomfortable stomach. How backwards right?
I was okay 'food plan' wise until I had some trail mix and peanuts (pretty high in calories/points)
But even if I HAD stayed on plan...my reason for eating was to ease discomfort
I was suffering from digestive distress and I tried EATING to soothe it?

So
I've restarted my counter
Once I pasted the code, I actually felt pretty good about it
My body 'rested' and JOAN shut up
She's still flitting her foot in the background...but she can't say anything.

I'm not going to restrict tomorrow
I didn't eat 'bad' food
I just ate for the wrong reasons
I'm learning not to learn that anymore
I'm sharing what I learn
OUT LOUD

so there...

photo credit

"You should be so PROUD of yourself!"

I know people mean well when they say this to me.
I mean, if someone wanted to hurt my feelings, why on earth would they encourage me to feel good about myself?
But this seemingly harmless string of seven words hits me like i imagine vertigo would feel. The simple removal of ONE word and I'd stand on my own two feet with no issues...but that "P" word...gets me every time.

Number-one-son said it to me yesterday.
Now when number-one-son pays a compliment...I TAKE IT (anyone who lives with or who has lived with a soon-to-be-fifteen year-old boy knows what I'm talking about).
I had just recounted to the hub how I went 'shopping in the closet' that afternoon and found 4 or 5 pairs of pants that can move to the 'wear them now' rack and two more that 'aren't that far away.'

• N-O-S: "Do you think that's because you've been running?"
• Me: "Yeah, some, and because I haven't abused food in a long time, and I've been sticking to a food plan for a few months..."
• N-O-S: "That's cool, you should be proud of yourself"
• Me: ...well I didn't say anything, I felt that twilight-zone swirly thing in front of my face and went back to doing what I was doing...

Later on that night I was part of a team interpreting for Aretha Franklin (yeah, my job can be uber-cool sometimes) and there were lots of 'atta girl - atta boy' type comments flying around.

I should have been proud of myself...I knocked some lyrical concepts OUT.OF.THE.PARK...but I tend to sweep the praise under the rug (then walk on it for extra good measure) so it was hard for me to hear.

I need to work on this one.

But in other news...

I am excited about the successful shopping trip (in my closet).

Earlier this week a pair of shorts traveled up and over my hips nicely and I'm glad to have the alternate form of measure as I really feel JOAN needs to pack the scale when she leaves and take it with her.

I have some homework from therapy...I'll save that for a separate post so I can chew on all the particulars...but something struck me today that could turn into a good metaphor for me...

We don't live in the fanciest of houses

We intentionally bought an older cottage-type house because it had a YARD and lots of character (read: needs some work). Now if Ty Pennington WANTS to come over and re-do our house, I'd sure let him...but my remodel projects usually sit at the couple hundred dollar mark...not the tens-of-thousands dollar mark.

If you were to come and 'inspect' my work...you'd find glitches and imperfections but I'm okay with that.

Like THIS project I did a couple of years ago. See...BIG difference from before to after. 

Honestly, our kitchen cabinets need to just come down and the floor needs to be replaced but I couldn't do that in a week...what I could do is give it a face lift...and I did, under the mantra "They're not my forever cabinets, they're my for now cabinets." I didn't do it perfectly but it's leaps and bounds better than it was before!

Just like this past Friday when I started the living room make-over with a coat of paint in the hallway.

If you look closely...you can see the imperfections in the wall, and the wiggles in my cut-in line...but the difference in the room is inspiring. It's not my forever house, it's my for now house and painting it made me love it in a new way. I didn't do it perfectly, but it's leaps and bounds better than it was before!

While I was washing the dishes this morning, with my face in close proximity to the cabinets, I noticed some of the short-cuts I took when painting them. JOAN tried to start talking but BABS jumped in there and said, "They're not my forever cabinets, they're my for now cabinets and they're leaps and bounds better than they were before and that's perfect-enough for me"

ugh how I hated that grape wallpaper "backsplash"

Yeah, that's right.

It makes me happier to come into this kitchen than it did to look at the GRAPES OF WRATH kitchen. 

It makes me happier to look at the new blue shutters on the house than it did to look at the dingy white ones

It makes my smile go "BAM" to walk out my bedroom door and see a richly colored wall each morning now that the hallway is painted...and those things are all PERFECT in their own way.

So...Babs, why not apply that same logic to your body. "It's not my forever body, it's my for now body and it's leaps and bounds better than it was before!"

Who are you kidding? you used to wear a size FOUR!

Yeah, I still have some JOAN issues

But I like this new metaphor, I think I could be proud of this one...

It's not my forever body, it's my for now body...it's a work in progress and I'm working on it!