Okay that's not a completely true statement but I can't figure out exactly how to wrap words around this feeling.
The other day, when I ate it was because the prospect of something positive was unfolding in front of me.
In the past, when I've succumb to my worst binges they've always followed something "good" that I'd just done.
I used to think this had to do with my inability to be proud of myself.
After therapy last night, I'm starting to re-work this thought.
I've always considered myself a project-starter. (That's a nice way to say I don't finish stuff)
I've started college 5 times and I'm still a year away from my BA
I've had this podcast idea in my head since November
There pieces of crafts, sewing ideas, gardening articles, home decor projects and recipes lying in unmarked graves of my idea graveyard waiting for their Easter sunrise.
I'm fighting very hard to keep the college-start number at 5 but truth be told I've had to go kicking and screaming against the saboteur voices in my head. I'm terrified of graduating and want to be done already all in the same breath.
My heart swells with purpose when I talk about the ideas I want to incorporate in my podcast and teaching tour, just the words 'podcast' and 'road trip' make my entire body smile.
Sometimes it takes all my muster to get up and put a paint brush in my hand to finish projects around the house and i still have seeds waiting to seed...
When I think about actually finishing school, my insides shirk away from the surface. It's like they curl up in the smalest ball possible and leave me there a shell-of-a-babs.
Yesterday in my individual session we talked about the recent episode with my mother and how I processed it. All in all a good scenario because 1) I didn't eat, 2) I felt my feelings, 3) I expressed my feelings in a healthy way and 4) I got resolution.
From that we started talking through whatever episodes may have happened when I was younger that left this inability for me to trust what someone says. That I must've had several examples (or one doozy) where I heard one thing but tuned into another (because I tune in like that...its a mad-skill of mine).
That didn't resonate...
For some reason, while my therapist was talking I started to think maybe it wasn't hearing good things about myself that I didn't believe...but good things about life in general. (that's not quite what I meant but I can't find words for that right now).
For example...when I was young, my parents told me all their marital troubles were over.
I remember that day CLEARLY...I walked in the door, there stood mom and dad hugging and smiling and mom said, "Look, we're fine now no more worry."
I didn't believe that.
I was younger than 10 but older than 8.
My life was supposed to be "good" and "okay now" but it didn't feel that way
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| http://www.nataliedee.com/ |
Stepping out on this great adventure of my future path to change the world
Good thing...will be fantastic...totally ready to DIVE in, ideas coming out of my eyeballs I'm so on fire about it. But I freeze at the edge and won't even put my toe in because
it's supposed to be good and life will be okay now
but I don't believe it will
so I get in my own way and I douse the flames
so it never has a chance to be good
congruency...
What was said to be good, was not good at all
I don't like 'good' so I avoid it at all costs
I protect myself from it
I get in my own way so as not to attain it
But...
I think my marriage is good, and I don't feel an aversion to it at all
We talked about that for a while too
My marriage is good because it works
and I mean it's work
We work at it
it's not perfect
we each have our own demons and we struggle dealing with what life throws us on any given day
and dang...we have two tweens and a teen so of course it's work!
But we laugh and we talk and we giggle and we share and we vent and we listen. We sigh and we snark and we comfort and we support...
Several times just this week alone I've been reminded not only of how much I love my hub, but how much I love our marriage because it('s) work(s).
I don't understand the disconnect there yet
Why I'm afraid to finish my degree but not afraid of my marriage
But we've at least opened something that sent reverberations out my toes.
I don't want to eat every time I do something or feel something is good because I won't fit into the RV at the end of my national tour! ~grin~
4 comments:
This is a really interesting concept, and one that was central in my own recovery. Good things are scary! I think what often holds us back is that we are so scared of being disappointed that we don't dare hope for or embrace good things as much as we should.
Sarah x
Keep sending the xxx's Sarah coz this one is knocking me for a big loop
Well, at least I'm cognizant of WHY I'm eating and when I figure out this layer, I'll soothewithfood less.
This feels ucky
:(
i love your blog babs because you are just so awesome. when i read your writing i feel like i really can connect with you on so many levels about so many things and your sense of humour while your write also speaks to me! that other day the routine i was talking about wasn't a yoga routine it was this new routine i started that is wake early.. have a hot lemon water outisde deep breaths, oil massage myself, do a walk, have a shower, have breakfast. and it was this routine i just loved the first 2 weeks... and it just started to fade away a little, but im back to it through my ayurveda lady and its going well.
just great stuff!
your marriage sounds beautiful.
and im sending all my encouragement to have a wonderful day and i love the "project-starter"
nicely put, i think it applies to me too!
What a wonderful post! It seems that I'm always trying to ruin the good things in my life, because I'm so afraid that I don't deserve them. Good things are scary! It is great that you have figured out a trigger as to why you eat. That is a huge accomplishment. I wish you all the best with school and all of your projects!
Take care:)
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