it's not nice to brag

630

500

330

270

630

280

_____

$12.79

consumed by me

in about 30 minutes

in the car on the way home from tampa

it was money

it was calories

it was gluten

it was murder

of what...something good for me?

something to be proud of? something that I'm good at?

the hand to mouth motion was mechanical

almost like i was trying to stop words before they could come out and shove them so far deep inside they didn't dare try to come out again

you shouldn't be proud of yourself

it's important to be humble

no one likes a show off

I don't know exactly where these words came from because I'm not sure I ever really heard them...that makes sense though so much communication happened in another language so perhaps these are just my interpretations which is why the words don't make sense

but when i was conversing with my 11 year old self...this is what she kept saying while we kept eating

it's sort of like watching your young child play with dolls...it lets you know what kind of parent you are when you see them playing parent

she was only telling me what she knows

there are obviously some deep emotional ties to my food and my mom because whenever my counselor (I'll stop referring to her as the young one) touches on that spot...I physically feel it

there are so many things I can't tell her (my mom that is)

which is funny because there are so many thigs I do tell her...even that she doesn't want to hear

I'm not afraid to disagree with her anymore

I tell her how it is

she deals with my tats and etc

but when it comes to how she mothered...i clam up

lil b and I had an exchange in front of my mom yesterday

it was about talking with words vs talking with faces

lil b called me out and said "you talk with your face too" which I readily admitted and playfully said "it's her fault" in my mom's direction

she got defensive

explanied that she uses both her words and her face and the subject was over

my little physical spot shirked away

there was untruth to that statement 

it definitely wasn't the right time to broach it 

but I honestly don't know that I ever really can

Mom wasn't (isnt) a bad mom

all moms do the best they can with what they had and my parents were just being the parents they knew how to be based on the culture, their exposure and what was parenting vogue at the time

we're much different parents

well we're a different culture and a different time so of course we're different

we can't blame them for not being cutting edge and saving us from the crap we deal with now

heck if we didn't have the crap would we be cutting edge

would we be different parents?

no because look how many of our peers are just like their parents were and have no desire to change

so there's purpose 

and I'm glad because I enjoy the parenting process and growing and learning with my kids...

but there's still this physical stuff inside of me that is tied hard to emotional stuff and it's all tied to the parenting thing and more specifically to my mom and I don't see what good it will do to drag my mom into therapy and tell her all the ways she screwed me up 

but it was so real

first some fries

then the cheesy tots but they were too hot so I had some sips of shake while they cooled

then the cheeseburger

got a cool star trek toy but not the one I wanted

then the fish sandwich

then the rest of the fries

yeah, i finished the cheesy tots before 

didn't finish the fries

but nursed the rest of the shake

even the disgustingly sweet oreo crunches that stuck to the bottom of the cup

even made myself slow down so I could taste everything

but I don't remember how it tasted

except for the hot and the sweet

there was something about the food actually being in my mouth

and the crunching

and the warmth

and the shame

crunching everything I could into the smaller of the 2 bags

then stopping in a parking lot searching for a garbage can

to rid myself of the evidence

i'm so sad inside today

good things are happening in my life and i'm sad

i had a great interview yesterday and am so excited at new prospects

but i ate myself into a stupor (it wasnt celebratory) and i'm sad

i feel defeated

i feel FAT omg you just don't know

last night i wore baggy pants and my husband's t shirt

ugh

I love my 11 year old

my real one and my old one

and together they're gonna help me through this