I have issues

I definitely have mom issues

• this morning i was watching "how do I look" some dumb makeover show on style, and there was a mother/daughter moment that made me cry
  
• I remember how I suddenly had a "last minute conflict" that kept me from a GiNO with some really close friends of mine (all sisters and their mom).
• every time I think about this "broken heart" chakra issues of mine, I can't help but get images of mom in my head

sigh...

I don't know why yet

I think I'm afraid to find out why

I think somewhere in my head I've learned that you're not supposed to harbor negative feelings because its your MOM

I have an appointment tonight with my counselor

I know things are gonna bubble up tonight because my skin, muscle and bone around my heart chakra LITERALLY hurt.

The other night when the hub said something out of frustration that sounded a lot like what my MEMORY says is my mom, I climbed right back into that tiny place and tried to disappear

rambling here...

I wonder if my food issues have to deal with making myself so big that I can't disappear because I want to be seen I have a hard time with recognition but part of me craves it so badly

I believe it when people shoot me down...well part of me does because the part of me that knows better has steadily been standing up for myself lately. I've learned how to do that without being attached to the emotion so it might not happen IN THE MOMENT (which i believe is a good thing) but it does happen...(which I believe is peeling the layers back)

I think somewhere inside I worry about this "mom issue"

because I'm afraid it's disrespectful

does it mean I hate her...I know that's not true because I don't hate her...there are things that I don't like, and I've learned how to deal with those things...in some ways passively ... in some ways aggressively...so yes there are still layers to peel

But I think I've peeled back so much that I'm at the "this is gonna hurt" part because there isn't as much "padding" around the issue

(if only i could say that for my ass!)

It's hard that this unpeeling happens when other people in my house are sensitive too

there's so much going on in our family

but is there ever a good time to go through change?

I keep looking at the positives

little successes...like lil b feels stronger about going to middle school now coz she's not afraid of a combination lock anymore...seems like such a little thing but the smile and glow that came from her face the first time she successfully opened the one we bought for her the other day was a POSITIVE feeling in my heart

My ability to tell my hub something that I need from him emotionally and not feel like I was being weak or "fishing" for something (not because that's how he makes me feel, but because it's how I MAKE MYSELF feel)

I still struggle with the desire to get my butt up off my chair and do something, that still makes me feel weak (mentally) and I think convinces me that I'm weak physically...( so I wonder how much of my weakness and pain stems from that)

So I made myself a list

all the things that I need to get done

lil b helped me too...coz it's just stuff I need done...doesn't matter who does it

and physically crossing things off gives me a sense of accomplishment, even if it is as trivial as opening a combination lock

I'm answering the 7 year old inside of me

I need to remember that what is a "big deal" to her may seem trivial to me

she is only 7 and is real and is talking to me and I need to listen, to what she is saying ...and what she is NOT saying

the weird feeling i have in my chest right now is quite interesting

it doesn't hurt

it doesn't ache

but it kinda does

like it's opening...no, more like it's vulnerable - if vulnerable FELT like something

I'm gonna go back to my list now

and just be open

I'm anxious, but in both a good and scary way, about tonight's session 

*exhale*