Analyze This

Heh heh, I love this movie...doesn't hurt either that I like both Billy Crystal and Robert DeNiro's work.

Today's session was great!
If you're in Central Florida (or close) and looking for a good counseling center that focuses on Eating Disorders, I HIGHLY recommend White Picket Fences.

I turned in my homework today...I'm actually quite pleased with it. My collage turned out great...even better than I imagined and, as is always the case with art therapy...it said a lot more than even I realized it said.
I think I'm going to laminate it and put it up in my cubicle. I snapped a picture of it with my phone...I'll see how good the photo turns out and if it's worth sharing I'll post it later.

So yeah, I totally had one of those "you, you're good" moments today in counseling.
Turns out not only my words, but my art (the collage I made) and the sensations I recognize in my physical body are disconnected.

Funny thing...all the 'body' images in my collage were intentionally action shots of the types of things I see myself doing...writing, art, reading, taking photos, gardening, working on the house, etc...no heads. I did that on purpose because it was the action I was going for.
While watching me put it together last night Bm even said "hrmm, I guess you like your head huh?" I chuckled at her observation...but she is wise beyond her years.
My head knows where I want to be...knows the possibilities
My body, is not caving in, is not participating and reminds me regularly that it occupies more space than my head and will eventually win out.
While recounting several 'positive' things that happened during the week...I couldn't find a FEELING word. I felt accomplished...but that's not a FEELING
While recounting some ugly binge moments and struggles...it was only my head that moved and spoke, my body didn't move an inch...I felt like the headless woman from Beetlejuice, but at least in her case, each half is aware of the other!

So we've stumbled onto something here...the best word I could use to explain my 'feeling' was inline...inline with who I SEE myself being
I felt like my collage poster
I was posterized
But that's still not a feeling...no wonder the disconnect.

We also talked about how I'm feeling in OA meetings
I feel a bit incongruent
I don't like the "I" statements.
Even when I was working on my emotional triggers worksheet as I was working through this morning's 'almost-binge' it didn't feel quite right to write "I feel as though I'll just fail again," or "I feel like I can't do anything right."  Because I don't feel that way. The voices in my head TELL me that...but that's not me.
My name is Babetta and I have a compulsive eating disorder.
I am not my eating disorder
I am Babetta

Everything about my OA experience has sounded a bit like JOAN.
You will never be well, you'll always be sick, you'll always be in recovery, you'll always need me and you'll always be a compulsive overeater.
No, no I won't

I am Babetta
I will be well, I am not sick, I am working on recovery, I have all I need inside of me and I will succeed in my journey to overcome my eating disorder.

\ˈnȯr-məl\

I've started reading my book and I'm mulling over Step One - I am powerless over food and my life has become unmanageable.

Really? Unmanageable?
Nothing I can do, say, or will can change my situation?
It sounds so 'absolute' when I say it that way...I guess that's the point but it's still a hard pill to swallow.
There is definitely still a piece of me that says "I can beat this thing" and be done with it
then I can be normal again like everyone else...
a few bites of birthday cake, a special dinner out, a candy bar every once in a while...

Really?

Can I be normal?
I never have been, not that I can remember anyway.
But this sounds SO rigid
It's something that I've been 'uncomfortable' with about the whole Anonymous program approach
...you're sick, you'll always be sick, all you can do is manage your sickness...
part of me believes there is truth to this...none of my weight loss attempts have ever worked in the past
part of me thinks I can do it without the rigidity...like James Frey (yeah I know he was a fraud but it was a damn good read!).
Everyone at these meetings is so dang old; I found myself wondering where the '30 somethings' meet.
Maybe the method is outdated
Maybe it doesn't work for Gen X'ers like me
Then I found this article
I wasn't really looking for an article, I was looking for a picture for this post and found the article...
It resonated with me on some level.

I'm still not going to be the expert, or refute what the experts suggest...my suggestions haven't worked in 30 years... but I am going to bring it up to my counselor on Friday.

photo credit

Friday Night

So, since Bm is sleeping over at a friend's house and middleson is heading to the middle school dance, I did some research and decided I'm going to an OA meeting tonight, one that is actually meant for beginners so maybe I'll understand the process a bit more and not feel like in an AA meeting in cognito.

I had an urge to eat today when I got freaked out about finances.
I talked myself out of it and new there was no reason to freak out in the first place.
So I eat when my security is threatened.

Okay and honesty of all honesty
I started counting points again today
part of me feels GUILTY for doing that!
I know where that comes from
I started counting because of the Doctor's office Scale Shame of yesterday.
See, I have a follow up appointment next Friday so I can be LESS weight by then

Yes, true
this isn't necessarily a bad thing
but the motivating behavior isn't a good one!

So am I doing the expert's job by jumping into some sort of food plan?
or am I doing a healthy thing by focusing on what I'm putting into my mouth?
I feel guilty for eating healthy
how screwed up is that?!?!

Today in an email I typed the words "never thought I'd be a 12-Stepper..."
read into that what you will...like I think it's a bad thing, or defeat, or whatev.
Honestly, I'm not sure what I think of it yet
Am I really a 12 stepper? I HAVE bought the book
Tara says we're still "trying things on" to see what feels best
but heck, isn't that what I've done with the 3 pages full of diets I've tried throughout my life
Isn't it just time to put something on and be done with it?

Okay, enough of that
oddly enough I'm not talking myself out of tonight's meeting
I'm actually looking forward to it so that's gotta say something

photo credit

Inspiration Station

If you've never scrolled the blogs I read....you should, it's good stuff...he heh
If you have...then you've read Christine
She usually inspires me on so many levels...but I never knew she shared my food addiction...and has overcome it! Great post today...thought I'd share

2010: The year I make contact

It's meeting night and I didn't go...but I had a good excuse and it wasn't JOAN.
I've been sick since Monday...tried to work Monday and Tuesday to no avail and went home early both days. I figured staying home Wednesday and sleeping ALL DAY would kick it but woke up this morning even worse than I've been all week so although I would've much rather stayed in bed, I managed my way to the doctor and $130 later, I'm on the mend.
Bronchitis with the added luxury of Sinusitis mmmmm, but had I not gone to the doctor it could've wound up pneumonia so I'm thankful I went, thankful for health insurance, and thankful I had the money for my co-pays.

Had I not gone to the doctor, I also wouldn't know that I put on 13 pounds in the past year

Yeah, could've done without that one
It's really not anything I didn't already know
and yes, she reminded me that it's true weight gain because my clothes weren't that heavy
she said that 3 times
ugh
"What happened to cause that"

ugh well gee doc,  I ate!
I started to blame it (in my head) on my gluten intolerance since nothing that is made to be gluten free is low in calories but that's a bunch of bunk
I almost told her I'm in therapy for my compulsive overeating
but I didn't
I got my meds for my horrible symptoms and went home

Why? I think because since I've seen her last she's become a Medifast pusher. Every door, every hallway had a poster promoting the positives. I don't know how a meal replacement diet can be considered positive. The tag line on the smiling model's poster said something hokey like 'with Medifast I didn't have to worry about what I eat so I could focus on Why I eat.'

I tried something like this before. I tried calling Jenny. I felt like such a buffoon. There was no thought whatsoever put into opening a box and pushing a button it actually made me feel WORSE.

Okay so no, I'm not happy about the 13 pounds of 2009
Especially because I was not happy 13 pounds ago

I think that's all I have to say about that right now

But yeah, the meeting...I'm just now barely breathing again so I stayed home recuperating
Work tomorrow
I've found an Ala-non meeting for next week and I bought this book

Yup I'm nervous about this
I've been reading about abstinence and it sounds well...BLAND
broiled, boiled, skinned, blah
but I'm not presupposing
and I'm not jumping ahead
and I'm not an expert
I'm just me...and I'm still on this journey
I'm in a different place than I was in February of '09
I understand some of my body's issues (my gluten intolerance), I've rid myself of my chronic pain, mood swings and general dis-ease, and I'm confronting JOAN
yes...2010 is the year I make contact...with ME


photo credit
photo credit