The end of week One

Day 3 of Week One

Woot Woot

Today my walk pace was at or faster than my first day's run pace

and today's run pace was .7 of a mile faster than day one's run pace

I fee good

I realize one of the things I like about it

I like to sweat

It's why my yoga of choice is ashtanga

It's probably why I bask in the heat trapped in my car after it's been parked in the Florida heat all day at work...that first few minutes in the car just makes everything in me melt and feel so good.

I'm proud of myself

Today was a long day at work, followed by a team mom meeting and getting caught in the rain...twice.

I got home, said hey to the fam, visited with the hub for 5 minutes

changed into my running gear and hit the treadmill

30 minutes later I was taking in some deep stretches followed by a great scrub in the shower.

I haven't been eating well lately

I start out okay

pkg of plain grits with sliced banana

coffee with 1/4 cup of whole milk

salad from the salad bar

cup of corn chowder

bag of tropical mike and ikes and a twizzler

an iced mocha and 2 cheeseburger big bites (no bun) from 7-11

yeah...good stuff

so I could've made a healthier choice for dinner

and ditched the mike and ikes

i could've ditched my run too...but I didn't, so that will be the proud moment of the day

Day 2

Woot Woot!

Day 2 of my couch to 5k training week 1

tonight I used the "Are you there God, it's me chubby" podcast. I think I like it better than the podrunner ...not as "techno" more indie...like me :)

I ran all of my intervals tonight...woot woot

I'm using a treadmill on our porch

popped a breaker...used my walking interval to walk into the house and flip the breaker (but dammit lost track of my distance covered...grrr)

got back on in time for the next running interval and gosh darn it if it didn't happen again

okay...typically the me that I know well would've just said fuck it and called it quits

maybe even grabbed a snack before plopping onto my lazy-boy

but today's me (the one I'm just meeting) grabbed the iPod and started lapping the yard

in full view of the kids, the neighbors, the neighbor's kid (who was hanging out right outside our fence line for who knows what reason) and I just kept going...

through every interval and the walking cool down

stopped to stretch in the back yard then headed in for the "sit down" stretches (coz our grass makes my legs itchy...dang st augustine grass, it's not even florida friendly so why the heck is it the grass of choice...oops, i digress)

circled into the bedroom and caught the sight of myself in the full length mirror

me, sweaty and in my spandex capris and t-shirt

"Wow, middle aged mom butt!" You know the kind where the tops of your thighs are actually wider than your hips?

Then I contemplated whether or not 37 can be considered middle aged...probably close

THEN i realized that even IF i happen to have middle aged mom butt right now, how many middle aged mom butt spandex wearin women do you know that are willing to run around the yard in front of the neighbors

so there

:)

Susan G. Komen for the Cure Central Florida

I did it!

I registered for a race 10/25/09

woot woot

You can view my personal page and support the cause!

sigh...i still don't like shopping

I started to get frustrated today

I'm traveling next week for some employee training and used it as an excuse to pick up a couple of staples for the closet...I can wear capri's and the new employer has no issues with my leg tattoo so woo hoo! an excuse to shop.

Funny thing...I found pants FIRST

size 12's even...the 14's were saggy

I found several tops...17 I think

but I didn't like the way my arms looked in them

sigh

now is not the right time of year to find 3/4 sleeve shirts and blouses

sigh

uber frustration

almost bought a VERY cool carry on rolling suitcase instead...very bali-esque

but I really don't need one of those

we have 3 (they're just boring black not very bali but...)

so I'm home

I'm packed

I made some left over tater-tots with wing sauce and cheese

not very healthy

sigh

and no matter how many times I tell myself I wont...I'm sure I'll have some ice cream tonight too

I've not been eating huge disgustingly over done servings

but really... I don't need the ice cream

sigh

ok really? is it that time again

really?

didn't i just write about my boobs being sore and a desire to eat?

really?

okay so much for mindfull

i'm beginning to wonder if I was actually successful at being mindful or if it's just my cycle

i ALWAYS eat MUCH less the week before my boobs get sore

it's my body's way of self correcting

&*()^%&*(&$$^&!!

dammit

Great session

Have I mentioned I love my counselor

she's awesome

I'm so glad I took the plunge

tonight wasn't so much about me...well it was...but it revolved around Bm

I DO NOT want to parent out of fear

I find myself doing that whenever she and I talk about body image or food issues

Bm often asks for a sweet at night

usually it's ice cream

and I've been trying to squash that

asking her what she "really" wants

turns out she probably just really wants something sweet

she's not like me

she CAN eat just one cookie

she Can eat SOME ice cream out of the container each night and have her quart last a week

she doesn't have to have a tiny container

she has restraint

So I need to let go

if she can't have it coz I can't afford it

that's one thing

but I don't need to "police" her intake

because she doesn't have my problem

it's my problem

Funny, it's actually a routine of hers

a routine! yes she has a routine so it IS possible

(she seems to be a flighty, fly by the seat of her pants kinda kid unless it's something she is uber focused on like reading or cheering or fashion design)

So *glimmer of hope* this new intention of mine to develop some new coping skills for her Aspie symptoms just got some encouragement :)

mindfulness of what goes in (and out) of my mouth

turns out they are very intricately connected

when there is something that I need to let out of my mouth, but am reticent to (for whatever reason) the "hand to mouth" behavior happens

when I let the something out of my mouth

the "hand to mouth" behavior stops

direct connection

good to know

I'm still being mindful

this week...mindful of eating within my means

yes, I'm looking at it financially...what if I ONLY had this to eat

I'm "training" myself to find satisfaction in what I have

Like now...

tonight I had therapy after work

I knew I would have to "eat on the road"

I gave myself a $5.00 budget

stopped and bought some sushi from the grocery store (with a penny to spare!)

enjoyed my sushi before my appointment

satisfied

I'm home

there is food available

the family ate something gluten-laden, so I can't have that (yes, that was intentional)

but there are other things I could eat

But I've had my dinner

I could say I'm a little bit hungry

but in all actuality, my body is nourished (according to what it needs) and my "hunger" seems to be stemming from my mouth...not my tummy

so I will not eat

the food that is here is meant for the rest of the week

it has purpose

would we make it the rest of the week if I ate some

yeah probably

but that's not the point.

Besides...it's 10:15 and I should be readying the bed...not a plate :)

So that's what I'll do

grateful frugality

What if I ate because I had to? What if my food choices were based on what is available?

It’s easier to think about these things now given the current economic climate. It really may be that I only have $50.00 or $100.00 to buy groceries to feed my family of 5.

But it’s honestly, deep down inside, the way I want to be.
I never wanted to strip the dignity of my children growing up and wanting to order of the “adult menu”…graduating from a kids menu is a big deal… but if you’re not going to eat the food, why order it? Just because you can seems like an awfully selfish reason.

So, if what I consume at each meal is all I can “afford” it is also probably all I need. If I’m forced to be frugal with my food, might I not learn that I’m very well nourished, and fed?

I’m working on being more mindful
Mindful of what goes into my mouth (as well as what comes out of it)
(What if) we are on a fixed income and there was only so much food
I wouldn’t die
I wouldn’t suffer
Heck I’d probably save money on clothes because I could go shopping in my closet

So I’m living like a pauper
I’m reframing this thought in my mind though because although we may be struggling a bit financially, we are far from poor in the world’s standards.
So the reframing looks like this…I’m eating this much because it’s all that I need, not all that I can afford. (I guess that works no matter how thickly ones pockets are lined!)

Yes, by default I will eat less
But I’ve been doing that more lately anyway (eating less, more often…not eating more)
It may be a challenge given my dietary restrictions (gluten free doesn’t always come cheap). I think I may become more appreciative, and more present, of what and with what I eat…and “they” say when you are more present while eating…you feel the sensation of satisfaction more quickly…therefore removing the need to continue eating.
“I’m gonna enjoy these 5 bites of sandwich because they’re the only 5 bites I’m going to get…I’ll savor and taste each one”

This morning I had an egg, 2 links of sausage and half an orange with some coffee
I made myself a ham and cheese sandwich on the GF bread I baked last night, packed the other ½ orange and some cherries and a jamfrakas bar.
I ate the bar with some warm water mid morning. For lunch, I ate about ¾ of the sandwich…I wasn't hungry for any more ... haven’t had the fruit yet.
I carefully re-wrapped the rest of the sandwich…it seemed awkward, it was only ¼ of a sandwich that most people, even I a couple of weeks ago, would’ve thrown away. But it “may be all I have” so I’ll save it for when I need it.

It’s now 4:10 in the afternoon…a point in time when I’m usually stark raving mad because I’m famished (how ironic is that) and I’m quite satisfied. Really not even thinking about food except to type this entry and to realize that I still have some food in my lunch bag.

My family is having hamburger helper tonight
We received a CASEFUL of ground turkey for free from a friend who drives a truck. (a vendor left it on his truck during a delivery and didn’t want to pay to have it shipped back so they just told him to keep it). The middleson LOVES hamburger helper and I’m working on doing things for the kids that the KIDS want to do (no, I won’t prepare overly processed crap everyday but after a long day at work ..sometimes easy is good and middleson was ECSTATIC when he heard what was for dinner so I’ll take the bonus points).
I can’t eat hamburger helper…it is definitely not friendly to the GI-me so I’ll create a meal out of what we have left, being grateful that we have something I can make myself rather than grumbling because there is nothing I “want” or have the taste for.

Perhaps this exercise will help me lead with my stomach rather than my mouth J

I want my kids to be mindful of this kind of thing too…Bm, because I don’t want her to develop the mindless eating habits I did at around her age. The boys because I want them to find their identity in more than just graduating to the regular menu and buying the most expensive thing on the menu. It will be easier than when I tried to do this before…(see this is how I instinctively want to parent) when money was no object and the hub said “let them order what they want.” Maybe in having to practice frugality, we’ll find gratitude, we’ll find satiety, we’ll find nourishment in other things and yet still be fed.

nourishing myself

mmmmm fresh bread

A few weeks ago I scored a double loaf bread maker (2 1lb loaves at a time) on Craigslist for 40 bucks.

I tried it out Tuesday (at which time I didn't realize the capacity).

I got a dual loaf maker so I could make the fam regular bread and myself Gluten free bread...and so I can make bread for communion at church on Sundays. We've been trying the regular bread with a few gluten free crackers on the side...but inevitably someone dips their bread in the gluten free chalice and voila...cross contamination so I offered to make bread.

So...Tuesday night, I made bread from a mix

i didn't realize it was for a 1.5lb loaf

my maker is a 1lb loaf machine...so while it was tasty, it was waaaaay dense.

Tonight I tried again...from a mix but this time I portioned it for my maker...

yummm...with a shmear of pb and a drizzle of raw honey it was a perfect dinner (I wasn't very hungry). The hub even liked it too!

I remember when I used to avoid bread like the plague

thought for sure it would hit my hips and be the death of me

Amazing how tonight I was satisfied with the thinnest, warm slice with a transparent shmear of pb...I used to eat that stuff by the spoonfuls...large one's at that, and yes I'd double dip!

It's a nice newness.

Good For Me

A banana, a cup of coffee (mmmmm) and a string cheese

Drove to Tampa for a morning appointment

Knew the drive home would be long

picked 7-11 over McD's or BK because I knew they'd have healthier choices (that's sorta sad)

sliced apples, a hunk-0-colby jack, and a big bite, just the meat no bun

ate 2/3 of the big bite and was not interested in eating anymore (no, not because it was gross, because I was done eating)

tossed the rest out the window down the highway because my mouth would've taken "one more bite" for the flavor

another 20 minutes down the road

still not hungry, the rest will make it home to the fridge for another day

later in the day...

went the pub with my hub

ordered a kids portion of grilled chicken wings (it was perfect!)

played several games of pool and several dollars worth of songs in the jukebox (my pool playing gets better the better the music gets but dang...a dollar doesn't go far in a jukebox anymore!)

Energy meeting tonight

tried out the new bread maker and made gluten free bread to test out as an option for communion on Sundays...I think I'll make it on a different setting but it went over well with the dinner crowd.

salad, veggie pasta...spooned myself out an appropriate portion

ate my salad, and a few bites of my pasta

genuinely full

pushed the plate away

dessert consisted of fresh fruit

I took a couple of bites off the hub's plate to get the "pasta" taste cleansed from my palate

done

so...I tossed the bite and pushed away the plate

woo hoo!

Mindful does not mean mistake-free

Sunday
Mindful at breakfast, ate only what I needed

Out to lunch
Found Gluten-Free Fare (at an Italian restaurant no less!)
Shared a meal with Bm
Enjoyed a “shot” of dessert
Brought home a for-me-later bag (I don’t share with the dog)…yes even with SHARING my meal I was satisfied enough to bring some home for later!

Dinner
The for-me-later bag was perfect

Later…
Started thinking I may want to open the fridge and see what was in it
Realized I was just bored
Read some of my book
Thought about the fridge again
Realized I would love to go for a stroll…through historic downtown, through the mall…but it was 7pm on a Sunday…all the windows are rolled up by then
Did the dishes, threw in a load of laundry, did my push-ups
Sat back down…still thinking about the fridge door…although the constant dialogue in my head really WAS “you’re not hungry, so why do you keep thinking about the fridge door?”
Said out loud I was bored and needed to do something or else I would eat
Hub was into his movie so I decided to go weed the garden
Weeded. Pruned. Watered. Fertilized.
Came back in sat down…still bored
Push-ups in the bedroom, sorted some laundry
Watching a movie
I opted for pop-corn
Jiffy Pop to be exact
Popped, lightly salted and buttered
Hub wanted some and I got “greebby” (greedy and grabby) and influenced him to make his own

We both ughfully decided afterwards we should’ve shared

So next time, I’ll share the popcorn
And we’ll probably still throw some away

All in all a nice mindful day

This morning…
Mindful breakfast
Packed a lunch
Realized 10 minutes into my 20 minute drive I left my lunch in the fridge
Yogurt as a mid morning snack because I truly was hungry
Soup and Salad for lunch…and 20 minutes with my book because it’s good to take a LUNCH BREAK
Just popped 2 mini york patties because I felt like my mouth needed them, not my tummy

I used to pack a toothbrush in my purse for just that very reason
Tonight I’ll dig it out and pack it for tomorrow…and other such occasions

Again…a nice mindful day thus far
Buddha would be proud J Heck, Shirley would be clapping from the clouds too.

A week

no kids for one week
emotions are semi raw sitting just under the saran wrap
will be some energy flow for sure!

starting to realize this "dream-like" state of life
deconstructing the book-of-laws and daring to be myself
even when you know deconstruction is right...it's still hard to break the rules!

I will never reject who you "be"
I may reject what you do

I'm also realizing there's more to me than a sneeze...
actually, now that I see it in print...that's definitely the title of a future sermon/post

I nourished myself today

I juiced

I emptied and then filled the dishwasher

I smushed the pulp from the juicer through my fingers and into the compost bucket

I purchased a "real" sized salad with none of the creamy froofie extras and enjoyed the taste of my veggies

I bought soup, with enough extra to have as a mid afternoon snacke

I had a banana when I got home in order to avoid munching mindlessly while trying out a new dinner idea

We had cauliflower tossed in egg and parmesean lighly fried in olive oil (in place of french fries)

and a made up variation of our old crab/tuna cake that doesn't have any gluten AND used pulp from the juicer in them too...

I"m mindful that there's enough food in my tummy

and was also mindful that i didn't really want a piece of chcolate my mouth just thought it did and I told my mouth no

I am so very pre-menstrual right now that I'm not dwelling on how i feel in my clothes but the view I got of my arms yesterday...dang who put knees where my elbows used to be? (if you have knees like mine, you KNOW what I mean)

Now it's time to wii.

Time flies

Wow! It's already been 3 months since I started therapy

It doesn't seem like it's been that long and yet even my counselor said I've accomplished so much in such a "short" period of time

She showed me tonight how I'm definitely not where I was when I first walked into her office back in April...and we definitely have charted a path of where to go from here

being honest, I wish I had something more physically tangible

But that being said...I am proud of all that has happened in the past 6 visits...

• I've found the source. The little voice (literally) and little me that harbors my attachment to food
• I am developing a relationship with her (little me) and we talk about why she feels the way she does, what she reaches for and why
• MY PAIN IS GONE...I guess that is a tangible, perhaps not the kind of tangible I was looking for but definitely something I can FEEL
• Instead of blindly going through a binge then lamenting afterward...I sort of "shirley maclaine" it ...the auto-pilot eating still happens, but I can see it and begin my inner dialogue with little me.
• I'm speaking to my feelings (and about my feelings) more now...if I can avoid the them getting stepped on, perhaps I won't have to eat to quell them.

So it's time to move forward...time to move from shirley maclaine to buddha

I need to tell myself to stop once I've started...and listen

and then, I need to learn how to circumvent the triggers that get me to a binge in the first place...or even mindless eating

eventually I just won't go there

:)

Don't be a Butt Head

'You okay?'

yeah

'You tired?'

no

'Am I in trouble?'

sorta

'What did I do?'

you've kinda been talking to me like a butt head lately

'What do you mean?'

I mean usually at night, you've been a butt head lately. Last night and a couple of times this week you're acting like you're annoyed with me.

'I'm not annoyed with you, I'm just annoyed'

I know, but you've been dismissive of me and I'm really working on that whole concept. It's not what you've had to say, It's the way in which you say it. You've been dismissive in the same way my mom used to be...and that's not you're fault that its the same, it's just the way it is...so I just need you to know that.

'I'm sorry'

I forgive you

It was uber hard for me to actually get the words out of my mouth and be honest about my feelings but I knew that if I didn't, I'd eat ALL DAY LONG. Forget that I'm pre-menstrual with swollen heavy painful boobs (they look great but don't you dare effin touch em coz I'll smack you) and I'm weepy and I eat anything that isn't tied down anyway...I would TOTALLY eat all day if I didn't SAY IT.

I was scared to say it...totally opening myself up to being dismissed again...but I did it anyway

and...I've decided my new "tag word" (warning sign that you're stepping on my heart) is going to be Butt Head. I know everyone in the house would get it so it's a good safety word.

had to miss my appointment last week because of the 36hr creeping crud

rescheduled for tonight and oh so ready