If I can't say it here...

What was the difference?

What was the catalyst for my success before

35 pounds ago

One of these things is not like the other

ah yes...

Mother

she lived in another state

I often chuckled that God moved her away at just the right time

6 months before Louis proposed

and she moved back about a year after the wedding

so I only had "mom taking over the wedding" issues for a day or two

Counseling session was good

I realized I'm "scared" to find out what lies under the next layer

back when I was "repatterned" I had to "tell" my mom I felt helpless

Tonight in session we tried to uncover what "helpless" meant

I just remember feeling like it was a scared helpless

like I couldn't do something

like someone was keeping me from doing something

or something like that

not a weak helpless, a scared helpless

I haven't done my counseling homework from last time yet

(I don't get demerits for not finishing...it'll happen when it's supposed to happen)

I'm supposed to create some physical representation of myself when I was 7 and myself when I was 11 or a bit older

somewhere in there I know that I'm scared

I'm scared to find out what's next

but I'm ready too

and I feel "safe" looking

I know it's gonna hurt

whatever it is

but pain is just fear's way of leaving the body

I stopped taking Prozac last week

I didn't like taking it in the first place

only started because I was SO tired of hearing all the things that WEREN'T wrong with me and I was on the edge of a breakdown waiting to have SOME explanation for my symptoms

it was time to re-up the prescription...I decided against it

My pain is back

I feel like a walking bruise

but it's not as debilatating

and I have a new mindset

AND my mind resonates strongly with the fact that the doctor wasn't doing anything to HEAL me, she was just giving me things that masked my symptoms...not what I want

I want healing...not hiding

I'm scared of what I might find

I'm scared of what it means

I'm scared of what I think of my mom

but fear is just pain's way of leaving the body (**see comments below)

so I'm getting ready to feel REALLY good when all this is over

:)

I have issues

I definitely have mom issues

• this morning i was watching "how do I look" some dumb makeover show on style, and there was a mother/daughter moment that made me cry
  
• I remember how I suddenly had a "last minute conflict" that kept me from a GiNO with some really close friends of mine (all sisters and their mom).
• every time I think about this "broken heart" chakra issues of mine, I can't help but get images of mom in my head

sigh...

I don't know why yet

I think I'm afraid to find out why

I think somewhere in my head I've learned that you're not supposed to harbor negative feelings because its your MOM

I have an appointment tonight with my counselor

I know things are gonna bubble up tonight because my skin, muscle and bone around my heart chakra LITERALLY hurt.

The other night when the hub said something out of frustration that sounded a lot like what my MEMORY says is my mom, I climbed right back into that tiny place and tried to disappear

rambling here...

I wonder if my food issues have to deal with making myself so big that I can't disappear because I want to be seen I have a hard time with recognition but part of me craves it so badly

I believe it when people shoot me down...well part of me does because the part of me that knows better has steadily been standing up for myself lately. I've learned how to do that without being attached to the emotion so it might not happen IN THE MOMENT (which i believe is a good thing) but it does happen...(which I believe is peeling the layers back)

I think somewhere inside I worry about this "mom issue"

because I'm afraid it's disrespectful

does it mean I hate her...I know that's not true because I don't hate her...there are things that I don't like, and I've learned how to deal with those things...in some ways passively ... in some ways aggressively...so yes there are still layers to peel

But I think I've peeled back so much that I'm at the "this is gonna hurt" part because there isn't as much "padding" around the issue

(if only i could say that for my ass!)

It's hard that this unpeeling happens when other people in my house are sensitive too

there's so much going on in our family

but is there ever a good time to go through change?

I keep looking at the positives

little successes...like lil b feels stronger about going to middle school now coz she's not afraid of a combination lock anymore...seems like such a little thing but the smile and glow that came from her face the first time she successfully opened the one we bought for her the other day was a POSITIVE feeling in my heart

My ability to tell my hub something that I need from him emotionally and not feel like I was being weak or "fishing" for something (not because that's how he makes me feel, but because it's how I MAKE MYSELF feel)

I still struggle with the desire to get my butt up off my chair and do something, that still makes me feel weak (mentally) and I think convinces me that I'm weak physically...( so I wonder how much of my weakness and pain stems from that)

So I made myself a list

all the things that I need to get done

lil b helped me too...coz it's just stuff I need done...doesn't matter who does it

and physically crossing things off gives me a sense of accomplishment, even if it is as trivial as opening a combination lock

I'm answering the 7 year old inside of me

I need to remember that what is a "big deal" to her may seem trivial to me

she is only 7 and is real and is talking to me and I need to listen, to what she is saying ...and what she is NOT saying

the weird feeling i have in my chest right now is quite interesting

it doesn't hurt

it doesn't ache

but it kinda does

like it's opening...no, more like it's vulnerable - if vulnerable FELT like something

I'm gonna go back to my list now

and just be open

I'm anxious, but in both a good and scary way, about tonight's session 

*exhale*

it's not nice to brag

630

500

330

270

630

280

_____

$12.79

consumed by me

in about 30 minutes

in the car on the way home from tampa

it was money

it was calories

it was gluten

it was murder

of what...something good for me?

something to be proud of? something that I'm good at?

the hand to mouth motion was mechanical

almost like i was trying to stop words before they could come out and shove them so far deep inside they didn't dare try to come out again

you shouldn't be proud of yourself

it's important to be humble

no one likes a show off

I don't know exactly where these words came from because I'm not sure I ever really heard them...that makes sense though so much communication happened in another language so perhaps these are just my interpretations which is why the words don't make sense

but when i was conversing with my 11 year old self...this is what she kept saying while we kept eating

it's sort of like watching your young child play with dolls...it lets you know what kind of parent you are when you see them playing parent

she was only telling me what she knows

there are obviously some deep emotional ties to my food and my mom because whenever my counselor (I'll stop referring to her as the young one) touches on that spot...I physically feel it

there are so many things I can't tell her (my mom that is)

which is funny because there are so many thigs I do tell her...even that she doesn't want to hear

I'm not afraid to disagree with her anymore

I tell her how it is

she deals with my tats and etc

but when it comes to how she mothered...i clam up

lil b and I had an exchange in front of my mom yesterday

it was about talking with words vs talking with faces

lil b called me out and said "you talk with your face too" which I readily admitted and playfully said "it's her fault" in my mom's direction

she got defensive

explanied that she uses both her words and her face and the subject was over

my little physical spot shirked away

there was untruth to that statement 

it definitely wasn't the right time to broach it 

but I honestly don't know that I ever really can

Mom wasn't (isnt) a bad mom

all moms do the best they can with what they had and my parents were just being the parents they knew how to be based on the culture, their exposure and what was parenting vogue at the time

we're much different parents

well we're a different culture and a different time so of course we're different

we can't blame them for not being cutting edge and saving us from the crap we deal with now

heck if we didn't have the crap would we be cutting edge

would we be different parents?

no because look how many of our peers are just like their parents were and have no desire to change

so there's purpose 

and I'm glad because I enjoy the parenting process and growing and learning with my kids...

but there's still this physical stuff inside of me that is tied hard to emotional stuff and it's all tied to the parenting thing and more specifically to my mom and I don't see what good it will do to drag my mom into therapy and tell her all the ways she screwed me up 

but it was so real

first some fries

then the cheesy tots but they were too hot so I had some sips of shake while they cooled

then the cheeseburger

got a cool star trek toy but not the one I wanted

then the fish sandwich

then the rest of the fries

yeah, i finished the cheesy tots before 

didn't finish the fries

but nursed the rest of the shake

even the disgustingly sweet oreo crunches that stuck to the bottom of the cup

even made myself slow down so I could taste everything

but I don't remember how it tasted

except for the hot and the sweet

there was something about the food actually being in my mouth

and the crunching

and the warmth

and the shame

crunching everything I could into the smaller of the 2 bags

then stopping in a parking lot searching for a garbage can

to rid myself of the evidence

i'm so sad inside today

good things are happening in my life and i'm sad

i had a great interview yesterday and am so excited at new prospects

but i ate myself into a stupor (it wasnt celebratory) and i'm sad

i feel defeated

i feel FAT omg you just don't know

last night i wore baggy pants and my husband's t shirt

ugh

I love my 11 year old

my real one and my old one

and together they're gonna help me through this

nice Thursday

today was a good day

it was fun hanging out with the hub

no work to go to

chilled with each other

chilled at the mall

Something else I noticed this week...

if you don't fancy poo talk...skip this post

I won't be graphic ... and poo in one form or another seems to be ruling my blogs but

one of my weirdest symptoms has been the consistency of my poo

for years it's just not been right

not even been something I could LABEL so it really wasn't right

i likened it to close encounters of the 3rd kind mashed potatoes squeezed through an icing piping bag

anyway

it's normal this week

i mean really normal

like what normal is supposed to look like

yes, i know normal is a label but humor me here

so i'm trying to figure out the change

yes, i've been quite good at being gluten free (at least since Sunday since i'm not sure what was in the food on Saturday and Sunday i felt like doo doo)

but I've also been having a glass of milk each day

whole milk at that (gack...the calories and fat!)

because hub bought me my own jar of pb and j (because the dang kids keep cross contaminating the other jars) and I still had some tapioca loaf (bread for we non gluten eating weirdos) so I've had a pb&j sammie with a glass of milk each day this week for one of my meals (yes...it's a very sparse grocery week but it's just 3 of us and we're all okay with that)

the tapioca loaf isn't new

the pb and j really isn't a new addition...just have my own

so the major change is the milk

hrmmm....I wonder

today

I'm irritable today

lots of reasons to be

including my boobs being sore

so there's the tip off as to why everything else is making me irritable

i definitely crave and fulfil the cravings when my boobs are sore

i'm not feeling anything emotionally tied to my past right now

just a bit p.o'ed at life's current situations

miffy is a good word

i think I'll wear my miffy shirt today

and probably eat something I'm not supposed to

which I care and just do not care about

ughhhhhhhhhhh

totally ate

boobs are sore

it's not supposed to be time yet...at least I don't think so

like fitday.com

it lets me see a trend

trends i can try to make sense of

totally ate

probably emotional

I really don't have good Mother's Day memories so

it's okay that tomorrow is just a Monday

simplify

ughhhhh my tummy is not happy

family reunion type thing at the hub's sister's house

i stayed away from the gluten

but i grazed most of the day

and I decided I don't like KirinIchiban

I'd say I definitely ate more than I should have

but not as much as I would have before

I think it's just all the different types of foods in one day

simple is definitely better

and I think I enjoy raw more these days...veggies, fruit and cold meats...shrimp, salmon, tuna, chicken breast

could just be coz it's hot outside but i dunno

my poor tummy

:(

food

I didn't binge last night

but i did eat something i wasn't supposed to have

not supposed to have because it has gluten in it...and it wasn't the "cleanest" thing and I've been eating clean. 

I ate 1/2 cup of Publix Mac and Cheese

I'm not feeling guilty

just recognizing that I ate it even though I told myself I wouldn't

It was pretty good...okay I guess not phenomenal

so that's all

just wanted to write it down

I guess when I think about it I was feeling a bit agro last night