Conversations with me

Walking through Target today

me: I really want a candy bar

Me: No I don't, I packed my lunch AND snacks today because I knew I'd be on the road and I just finished some grilled chicken with mushrooms and some pineapple chunks...so why, no wait...what makes you think you want a candy bar?

me: I guess I'm a bit frustrated

Me: About the conversation you had with E today?

me: Yeah, E didn't agree with me and kept having to make his point

Me: Do you always have to be right?

me: No, but the way he kept emphasizing his point made me feel like what I had to say wasn't important.

Me: And that made you feel unimportant?

me: Yeah, and made me question myself

Me: So what will eating food do to make you feel important?

me: Food doesn't talk back.

Me: hrmmm

I didn't buy the candy bar...I went to Target for a wii fit and vacuum cleaner bags, so that's what I got. I logically told Myself that I wasn't really hungry as I have fed myself wonderful food today and have had plenty of water.

When I got home, I got straight to work on painting lilb's room and forgot all about the idea of eating.

The hub and lil one went to quiznos...I got a salad...i used the dressing, but none of the other added stuff and it was tasty :)

Back to painting before I get too comfortable in my chair :)

Then tonight I'll treat myself to sweet apple chamomile tea

Cleaning up

Okay

it's not a diet

if one of the benefits is weight loss, I'll take it

but the hub and I started the 6 week body make-over months ago

I loved it, he hated it. I loved how I felt when I followed the program

I loved how I found myself eating to sustain my body rather than to obtain a feeling

I stopped because he stopped (I'm sure there are other reasons there but that's the one I chose when I stopped...)

This sounds weird but when eating wasn't as "enjoyable" I didn't turn to it for fulfillment. It's not that the food is bad...it's not (hub just isn't used to the way real food tastes) it's just not laden with all the added stuff like oil, salt, sugar, etc.

Yes, I noticed a difference in my size when we started the program before...but more importantly I felt so very good. My poop was FINALLY normal (yes, I said poop, it's been a chronic symptom of mine that no one could figure out the root cause of... I've had funky textured poop for a few years now...they just tell me that's my normal poop...um, hello!!! NO!) Enough of the poop talk (heck this is MY blog right? and it IS one of my weiredest symptoms)

My energy was GREAT, my hunger was NIL, my cravings were gone. So...I'm following again, along with some mindfulness about how to eat for my dominant element.

My intention for this week is to let the 36 year old intelligently feed herself, so the 11 year old can begin to make herself heard. Heck...if both of myselves are stuffing food in order to feel good, I'll never get resolution. So my 36 year old that understands, is focused on eating to live, (cliche, yes I know) so she can nurture and teach the 11 year old there are other ways to feel love, support and validation.

Finding my inner "her"

Well, I like her...she who is younger than me

We had a really great session today

touched on some things that were really touchy...obviously so because there were some things I couldn't say out loud yet.

So...we're onto something here

I feel her...she's about 11 or 12

all I know how to do is feed her

so it's time to start exploring more of what she wants and needs

she's lonely and doesn't feel like she measures up

worthy and deserving are 2 words that came up more than a few times in today's session and I've known for a while they are important concepts

I'm interested to see what's next

I feel skinny

Skinny is a feeling. I know this because today I FEEL skinny. I'm not any skinnier than I was last week but I FEEL that way.
When I feel that way I walk taller, smile more, and am more productive. Guess I need to tap into the source of that feeling.

Wednesday Cont'd

I bought it

I ate some

I destroyed the rest

I'm tired

my lunch was disturbed by an interview that was scheduled but not on our calendar

i had just enough time to heat it up and the phone rang

sigh

I actually ate it after the interview (1.5 hrs later) but I guess it hadn't settled before I was headed past the commissary and the numb candy was in the bag and on the scale

I even said no

I even said just keep walking to the car

But then I said my feet hurt (had to stand in heels during the interview because there wasn't enough space for me to have a chair and be in good position for each consumer) and my car was out in BFE so some sort of "you deserve this" mentality took over

i deserve it

yeah right, 

right now i'm tiiiiiiiirrrrrreeeeedddd, have at least 3 hours of class that was supposed to start 25 minutes ago, and my stomach isn't very happy

worst of all...my tongue isn't satisfied

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Wednesday

I am not buying numb candy to eat on the way to school today!

Today I am going to...

Color my hair (done)

Balance my checkbook

Clean the Floors

Paint the breakfast nook (done)

I will feed myself healthy food (done)

I will write productively today (done)

I will hug my kids today (done)

I will pray for my hub today (done)

I will be proud of myself today (done)

oh yeah (post edit) I will start with Yoga (done)

:)

post-post edit...

I also finished the spreadsheet for worship

and even if I don't finish everything else ...

always bite off more than you can chew...that way you know you ate all you could

okay, maybe not the best metaphor for a binge eater...but I'm still proud of all I've accomplished today :)

T-R-I double GRrrrrrrr

I definitely know what it is today
I wanna say things
but they'd be hurtful and not help the situation one iota
I was doing FINE letting the situation roll
actually quite proud of myself that I wasn't full of sarcastic, biting remarks
I made one, calm, suggesting comment...it was reciprocated with "i don't want to" and I let it be at that...I know how I feel when I'm pissy so...why make someone else have to face his or her demons when they're in the middle of pissy

so...beautiful morning, I was proud of myself for "staying out of it" and...Not Letting It Get To Me...but then my pain started
I don't know why
I don't know if I ate something
I don't know if it's just a new pms sympton
I don't know why...it just did
my legs and hips ache
my shoulder isn't happy
but did I mention my hips ache
oh yeah...and the fingers and toes, HYPERSENSITIVE today
it hurts when I sit, It hurts when I stand, It hurts when I lay down, It hurts when I do the dishes so might as well be productive and do the dishes that are bugging the crap out of me in the sink...

I can't really handle keeping my head AND tolerating the pain at the same time yet
add extremely trivial thing on top of the aforementioned demons and I have to remove myself from one or both of my issues
So...I go into another room
work on some stretches for my pain
find a comfortable position and obviously fell asleep

Wake up
another trivial thing
and all the voices in my head keep telling me is "dont they know all the things you REALLY want to say? You should just let em have it. You should just unleash all those things you think, you know you're right, they're wrong...if they would just do it your way everything would be much better."
Um...no
Not right at all
Shut up voices
My pain makes me weak
when I'm weak, all those little sins of the flesh come creeping in
I'm thankful for reading a proverb a day for a while
it's taught me how to hold my tongue
Right Speech...it's obviously an important detail since it shows up in every possible religion and belief system there is
Right Speech ...and it's more than grammatical prowess
It's more than knowing when to say the right thing
but when saying the right thing could be the wrong thing

I was letting myself get so angry over all the wrongs I presumed were being used against me
little tiny things that pull my eye away from all the beautiful miracles that happen every minute
my pain is opening a door to the anger demons and I cant' handle both
I don't want to talk because the words that come out will be ugly, vile, hurtful, spiteful, vindictive and serve absolutely NO purpose for good...other than purging myself...which ultimately will make me feel bad for all the negativity I have spawned into the world
So I started eating
I didn't eat lunch earlier because getting out of my conundrum was more important
So I baked a piece of fresh coastal flounder with pepper jack cheese...it was VERY good
Then I had a piece of my daughter's easter bunny with some peanut butter
and 5 wheat thins (these I quickly hid in my pocket when the front door cracked open...turns out I hid my sins from the DOG).

I stopped at that, realized I was letting my anger get the best of me and decided to write instead
capture it all so I'm ready for this week's appointment

I feel a bit better now (but why do there ALWAYS have to be kissing noises during kissing scenes in the movies...ugh I hate that smacking sound...Spiderman 2 on in the background at the moment)
I know I can communicate the things I need to say to whom I need to say it later on this afternoon when we're all back together
and...I actually feel full...not a typical thing when my brain goes into binge mode

So this time...I wanted to eat to stuff down all the yuckiness that wanted to come up out of me

so what do they say...

The voices in my head that convince me to just keep eating

well...the other day they said, "you're gonna have to tell your counselor that you ate...but you won't, you'll just sweep it under the rug ...or hide it in the trash"

I said, "I'll tell her....just wait and see" (as I continued to eat not so numb candy on the way to school...not so numb because I actually took time to taste each bite rather than just shovel it)

"No you won't, you always hide me, I'll talk you out of it when you get there"

So I will tell...just to prove that dumb voice wrong

today...well I could say my breasts are heavy and warm and i'm feeling bloated...(see previous speechless post...GAWD) so my munching is pms

but pms should respond to logic coz I said stop...but didnt

had 3 sunkist gummies

3 bite size snickers

and then drove home on the toll roads so there was no place to stop to grab a snack

had a salad from Quiznos after the Lacrosse game, with a bag of chips

then munched some corn chips with sour cream while sitting here watching Hell's Kitchen

STOP already

numb candy on the way to school seems to be a regular occurrence

I was VERY VERY tired today...i feel an ebv flare up coming because my fingers are extremely tender (painful) to the touch and lil b's hug hurt today...did I mention I was exhausted? yeah so I think somewhere in my mind I think food will wake me up...have some sugar that'll give you the boost you need

no

just the booty i don't need

but I'm learning

so I'll just keep writing

then I'll let "she who is younger than I" help me figure it all out

oh ...did I mention the totally fuzzy thinking?

forgot my computer password

blanked out on my audix password

forgot what i was doing 2 or 3 times today

ughhhh

but...I was able to find my car

I've lost it before...on the verge of tears in the parking lot

anyway...enough for now I'm going to bed

speechless

171.6

The Post-Session Post (thanks A for the title)

Before I get to my visit I have to add an adenedum to today's earlier post.

The hub and I ran some errands today...the last of which being the bookstore so I could pick up a DVD I need for class tomorrow night. Turns out my fave bookstore is getting out of the DVD business so all titles were 50% off ...BONUS!

As we were ringing out, the cashier asked if I would like to donate a book to a gift for reading...I casually answered "not today" thinking we gotta make the cash last this week. The hub says...you should donate a book...yeah...DUH especially since I got the movie 50% off! So we picked a book our kids would like and donated it.

As we were walking out he said "we gotta remember to keep giving no matter how bad it gets...never know when we might be giving our last dollar to Jesus." Man that was pretty darn cool...and I thought it was cool that it resonated so well with my earlier post

Anyway...

I like her. The one I thought was "too young" for me.

She's got a great disposition, great speaking voice, understands all aspects of my spiritual philosophy and doesn't seek to change any of them. She doesn't find it strange that I know so much about my condition, and the causes, and motivators...yet still can't figure out how to fix it on my own. She's got a great plan of deep inner work that I'm really looking forward to...and I felt safe...I think I felt safe before I even got there. I felt safe the first day I started this blog.

The little spark of the Divine that lives within me has been welling all of this up to a place where I can see it because it is time...I know I'm not alone, I have my hub and my blog friends and my God. Safe doesn't mean easy...Safe means go ahead, take the risk...no one will laugh, no one will judge, no one will say you're stupid or "that's silly" (ooh...that's something new (old) I haven't thought of in a while)

So we're on a 3 to 6 month journey

we're going to focus on my feelings of inadequacy and my feelings of fear...since they seem to be quite prevalent in each of my "rooms." I had a holistic repatterning done a few years ago and the phrase that "broke" for me was "Mom, I feel helpless" ...something I've been harboring since I was about 3 years old. But the therapist said it didn't matter what I felt helpless about, just that I could admit the feeling.

CeCe has been praying for me reglularly and said I'm carrying a fear from way way back (perhaps even past life). She said it's not important to know where the fear is coming from or what is causing the fear...just to send it back to it's source

But...I dunno I think maybe these things ARE important

I've become so strong in the face of adversity

I can speak now when I'm angry, or hurt, or sad...instead of eating (it's the proud, excited, happy times I struggle with) I can live in the face of fears that would crumble me a few short years ago...so if there's a helplessness and a fear still blocking me somewhere, I DO want to know what, where and why so I can move on again.

Each time I've grown it has come out of a place where I felt safe to explore

I feel safe again

I'm ready for new growth

My homework this week:

to log the dialogue the "voice" has with me when I binge

the one that makes me continue to eat even when I know better AND SAY better intellectually 

the one that says "yeah but..."

Step Out of the Boat

(I use the masculine pronoun today because it's how I hear today's message, there are times I will use the feminine pronoun when sharing my thoughts on the Creator of all things...please don't take offense to either)

Step out of the boat, onto the crashing waves ...HECK, step out of the boat onto the calm water...i'd still be hesitant!

Jesus is there, holding out His hand, I just have to step out of the boat

Then, if I do make the decision to step out of the boat, I have to STAY out of the boat and keep my eyes fixed on Him...or sink...oh me of little faith.

I'm sure if I thought about it long enough I could recount plenty of times I wouldn't THINK of getting out of the boat...and more times than not there were BAD things in the boat with me but I still wouldn't leave (or I'd intentionally stay...which is probably worse!)

I'm sure too, there are times I can remember dipping my toes into the water...funny, there are so many of those times I thought were "mountain top" experiences as they were happening...even the tiniest tip of my toe, faith of a mustard seed or the hem of His robe...was enough to leave me sailing in faith for days, weeks, months...

There have been a couple times that I've actually stepped out...and barely caught my breath before going under...those times scared me, but encouraged me more than anything.

I remember overwhelming fear

really, fear that made me duck under windows as I walked through my house even though I had no earthly enemies. I remember fear and foreboading surrounding my daughter when she was little and my husband after we were first married.

I don't have those kind of fears anymore. Well, not as regularly...there are still times when the house is dark and I have yet to make it to the bedroom door that I think there might be a presence behind me and pick up my step a bit...but they're not looming fears.

I've gotten rid of my fears on purpose.

I've intentionally told them to go back to their source

I've yelled at the devil, I've asked Jesus to get the door when the devil was knocking

I've recited scripture

I've used "fear is not from God" as a mantra more times than I can remember

even just to hear myself say it so I couldn't think about the fear

So now, when life is full of what should be amazingly fearful...I feel strong

still scared, of course...but strong and capable

I remember when God first spoke to my heart about tithing...years ago

and he's still talking to me...loud and clear today

my lessons in tithing have mirrored my spritual journey

I can have all the things God has promised me...I have to give them away first

Money, one of the hardest things for our flesh to understand...is still a tangible thing

once I could trust with something tangible...man, the understanding I've gained over the intangible has been amazing.

So...in comes a new test with the tangible

how easy is it for us to stop giving when we're afraid we don't have enough?

When I first started giving (to God...it may have been physically given to my church but it was given to God) there were many times I'd look at my check book register and wonder how it was all going to work. My promise was "my first check to God." So when I got paid, immediately after I wrote in my deposit, I wrote my check in my promised percentage for that week's gift. I'd look at what was left to go out...and what I had left in and often said out loud, "I dunno how you're going to do it but I'm keeping my word so you keep yours."

And it always worked out...there were always provisions and then some.

There have been times in the past few years when I have slipped up...when my logic got in the way of my faith and I fell behind in my giving.

When it came time for stewardship campaign this year, I shared my perspective on giving one Sunday. I always pray about my gift before I pledge but this year I spent extra time before filling out my pledge card back in November. This is the first time I didn't pledge a percentage but a dollar amount.

Early this spring, my hours were cut at work...I toyed with going to a percentage of what was left of my pay rather than my pledged amount...I toyed for all of about 2 minutes because it was very quickly obvious that I was supposed to stick to my pledge.

Early this month, my husband lost his job...geesh talk about a financial hit

Talk about EVERYONE understanding if we couldn't meet our pledge

But I only wavered for a minute in wondering whether or not to write my check 

Last week after finishing all the bills and looking at what was left, I got my first dose of real fear for this extremely tangible situation

But Sunday came, and I knew...write the check

Step out of the boat and fix your eyes on me

do not sink...ye of little faith

but step out... well done good and faithful servant, you have been faithful with a little, now see how much more I will bless you with. (paraphrase)

Strength to give through the storm

and not just money...although the money part is definitely one of the things I'm working on now... but give anything

give love when someone is grumpy

give patience when I just don't have the time

give understanding when I think you're wrong

give time when I'm just too busy

give more when I already feel like you're not doing enough

give a kind word when it's easier not to

to be faithful with the little things...the extra hug to the kid who needs it, the "shutting of my mouth" and listening rather than correcting, stopping and spending a few minutes with you instead of my computer, yes, you can help me with dinner; yes, I would love to play catch with you; yes, you can have dinner with your girlfriend's family... faithful with the little things and look how much more you will be blessed with...

I'm being faithful with something today that in the grand scheme of things is probably trivial but is HUGE to me

I visit a counselor to begin working on my compulsive eating disorder

I know that I am ready because I have said so, I have typed so, I have written so, and I would never even admit so before...

Just because I am ready doesn't mean it will not be hard

Just because I understand doesn't mean that I will not waver

Just because I am ready does not mean I will understand how it's all supposed to work out at the end of the week

but...I don't have to know what will happen after I step out of the boat

I just have to step out of the boat and fix my eyes on the prize

the promise that there is better, that there are more blessings if I am faithful with the little things...even when they seem big

turn the a/c on

1080 calories of haagen-Dazs carmelized pear and toasted pecan

I wonder how many fruits and dairy that counts as

one step, two step, three step...

little gluten on this day
nothing
a sneak of breading that day
no worries
little more a few days later
still sneaking by

today
BLAMMO
a flare up
face itches
and i'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired
and the hub says my face looks sad

i almost wish it was clockwork orangeish
ingest, blammo
ingest, blammo
even think about ingesting
BLAMMO

because every time i get away with it...just reinforces the bad behavior
and when there is a lag...well my brain hasn't caught up with that yet
sigh

numb candy

so what's going on

i have to finish our taxes, and we owe

our property taxes are due

my hub is self employed

our kids have been wonderful this week (love languages WORK I tell you!)

our dog is GOING to be released this morning (love that positive affirmation dontcha)

had a GREAT day terping yesterday...really in my ASL zone

adding a new aspect to my carreer

a nice balance of stresses (eu and dis)

so it was just a habit thing

i didn't even really have an urge

didn't have an overbearing desire

didn't feel a NEED

but i bought some choc covered raisins and peanuts on the way home from work yesterday

the first one or two were good

but I didn't stop until twenty or thirty

I didn't finish the bag but (bulk candy)

but i didn't stop when I realized i was mindlessly eating and it wasn't even that good

i even kept going as I tried to figure it out just in case i figured out why and found it valid

hrmmmm

it's like Tuesday when i visited my pops

stopped to pick up some lunch from the golden arches

got him a chicken sandwich meal

got myself a fruit and walnut salad and some fries

and some chicken selects

i'm not even supposed to eat those

breading...hello

i ate those ON THE WAY to my dad's and saved the rest for when we ate together

see, sneaky, hiding, sabotage (go Beasties)

I can almost figure that one out

I had an AWESOME interview at the college

feeling REALLY good about myself and excited about the future

I associate EVERY emotion with food (based on past experience and conditioning)

I've figured out how to not eat when I'm sad or angry or scared...for the most part the negative emotions I kinda get

but it's the positive ones I can't seem to figure out

i think I flip it

like I don't deserve it so I sabotage myself

i shouldn't feel that good about myself?

But see...I'm past that intellectually too because I've really come a long way in my understanding of self worth and who I am as a Child of God...and I actually believe it

so, i think it's a habit thing

i think it's an "ive always done this so somewhere my muscle memory rememebers and executes it"

so ... i'm hoping this new counselor is skilled in behavior mod and can really help me

i'm definitely primed and ready for it

i think I'm at the stage where behavior modification is the answer

it's like a matching vocabulary quiz...i know and understand each of the choices in both columns...i just need to connect the dots

you'd think i'd be smart enough to do that on my own...

but i'm past that now too, I can admit that I have things to learn

I can admit that others are better at things that I am and have knowledge to share

and I don't feel lesser for either of those statements

I actually feel greater

and I want more coffee...but my cup is empty

sigh (that wasn't a metaphor...that was true *smile*)

scheduled

Tuesday, April 14th 5:30pm

counseling

amazingly enough...with all the crap that has gone on these past few days, I haven't turned to food

go figure

B-I-N GE, B-I-N GE, B-I-N GE

the feeling overtakes me

I felt it coming on this morning

I really wanted some peanut butter patties (Girl Scout Cookies)

Actually, I really wanted an entire box of cookies...I could ramble on about how that's not very many since the quantity has been reduced to only 16 cookies per box but REALLY...

I would've eaten an entire box if given the opportunity

Angelic Adversaries got in the way, I ate one...which is good since they are gluten laden...

But the B-I-N-GE song played on in my head.

I have a sinus headache from hell

I didn't really eat a lunch (now that I think about it, I don't think I ate breakfast either...I was focused on aforementioned cookies and time got away from me while I was plotting)

I visited the dog again tonight and gave him a good rub down and then headed home...I was supposed to have class tonight but my stuffed up head feels like a balloon that has reached it's inflation limit so I took my "gimmie" and took a sick day. So that means there's nothing planned for dinner...well there were plans, but not ones that included me. I had left nuggets and tots for the hub and the wee...they like em, I can't eat em, they're easy to make so they're great for "mom's got school" nights.

I haven't grocery shopped yet this week either because we really do have plenty to choose from

well...if you can eat anything in the cabinets or don't mind the preparation time...neither of those apply to me.

So I had a bag (not a mini bag and not a full size bag...i think they're called "big grabs" or something like that) of Carmel covered corn-type chip things...no gluten so I won't be physically suffering that way...but oh the other ways

and you know, after the 3rd or 4th handful

I didn't even taste them anymore

I even said, outloud in my car, I can't even taste these...as I kept munching

Instead, I listened to the crunching sound

I must find a certain amount of pleasure in that sound because it provided impetus to keep eating.

There is so much to the act of eating

all of the senses are involved and then some.

I'm sure there's something in the "success" of the whole thing

I had the bag eaten and tucked away in the trash bag before I made it home....even had the remnants out of my teeth

My GAWD how pathetic does that sound?

Oh Oh Oh...and the piece of paper listing the 4 counselors I'm supposed to screen by phone, choose one and make an appointment with...the paper is gone

cannot find it

cannot remember where I put it

THOUGHT i remembered where I had it last but it is not there

Yes...it sounds like yet another excuse and somewhere some little Id gremlin is dancing a victory dance

I finally stopped looking...because I don't really ever do anything on my own anyway and said "God, You know where it is, just show me okay?"

So it'll show up...or I can try the EAP line again and hope the lady I spoke with the other day made notes in some sort of computer file attached to my name

Or I can just go to the chick who has a website

yeah she's younger than me but

she has a cool philosophy

she's in great shape (that's gotta mean something when you're tackling and eating disorder)

and I know how to find her

So here it is, another day has gone by

Less has gotten done

Did i mention I HATE Prozac (that should be a post all to itself)

I managed to mindlessly eat and treat myself as insignificant

Man, I sure hope I don't pass this on to my kid

I want a personal life assistant

one who makes sure all my calls get made

all my bills get paid

all the laundry gets folded

the floor gets swept

but more importantly that there is always something in the house that I CAN eat that is nourishing and that I DO eat when I'm supposed to...

Yeah, we can all dream

I swear, I'd kill for a grilled cheese sandwich right now

and that's not a bad thing

except we don't have any gluten free bread

which is probably why I want the thing

oy