numb candy

so what's going on

i have to finish our taxes, and we owe

our property taxes are due

my hub is self employed

our kids have been wonderful this week (love languages WORK I tell you!)

our dog is GOING to be released this morning (love that positive affirmation dontcha)

had a GREAT day terping yesterday...really in my ASL zone

adding a new aspect to my carreer

a nice balance of stresses (eu and dis)

so it was just a habit thing

i didn't even really have an urge

didn't have an overbearing desire

didn't feel a NEED

but i bought some choc covered raisins and peanuts on the way home from work yesterday

the first one or two were good

but I didn't stop until twenty or thirty

I didn't finish the bag but (bulk candy)

but i didn't stop when I realized i was mindlessly eating and it wasn't even that good

i even kept going as I tried to figure it out just in case i figured out why and found it valid

hrmmmm

it's like Tuesday when i visited my pops

stopped to pick up some lunch from the golden arches

got him a chicken sandwich meal

got myself a fruit and walnut salad and some fries

and some chicken selects

i'm not even supposed to eat those

breading...hello

i ate those ON THE WAY to my dad's and saved the rest for when we ate together

see, sneaky, hiding, sabotage (go Beasties)

I can almost figure that one out

I had an AWESOME interview at the college

feeling REALLY good about myself and excited about the future

I associate EVERY emotion with food (based on past experience and conditioning)

I've figured out how to not eat when I'm sad or angry or scared...for the most part the negative emotions I kinda get

but it's the positive ones I can't seem to figure out

i think I flip it

like I don't deserve it so I sabotage myself

i shouldn't feel that good about myself?

But see...I'm past that intellectually too because I've really come a long way in my understanding of self worth and who I am as a Child of God...and I actually believe it

so, i think it's a habit thing

i think it's an "ive always done this so somewhere my muscle memory rememebers and executes it"

so ... i'm hoping this new counselor is skilled in behavior mod and can really help me

i'm definitely primed and ready for it

i think I'm at the stage where behavior modification is the answer

it's like a matching vocabulary quiz...i know and understand each of the choices in both columns...i just need to connect the dots

you'd think i'd be smart enough to do that on my own...

but i'm past that now too, I can admit that I have things to learn

I can admit that others are better at things that I am and have knowledge to share

and I don't feel lesser for either of those statements

I actually feel greater

and I want more coffee...but my cup is empty

sigh (that wasn't a metaphor...that was true *smile*)