I definitely know what it is today
I wanna say things
but they'd be hurtful and not help the situation one iota
I was doing FINE letting the situation roll
actually quite proud of myself that I wasn't full of sarcastic, biting remarks
I made one, calm, suggesting comment...it was reciprocated with "i don't want to" and I let it be at that...I know how I feel when I'm pissy so...why make someone else have to face his or her demons when they're in the middle of pissy
so...beautiful morning, I was proud of myself for "staying out of it" and...Not Letting It Get To Me...but then my pain started
I don't know why
I don't know if I ate something
I don't know if it's just a new pms sympton
I don't know why...it just did
my legs and hips ache
my shoulder isn't happy
but did I mention my hips ache
oh yeah...and the fingers and toes, HYPERSENSITIVE today
it hurts when I sit, It hurts when I stand, It hurts when I lay down, It hurts when I do the dishes so might as well be productive and do the dishes that are bugging the crap out of me in the sink...
I can't really handle keeping my head AND tolerating the pain at the same time yet
add extremely trivial thing on top of the aforementioned demons and I have to remove myself from one or both of my issues
So...I go into another room
work on some stretches for my pain
find a comfortable position and obviously fell asleep
Wake up
another trivial thing
and all the voices in my head keep telling me is "dont they know all the things you REALLY want to say? You should just let em have it. You should just unleash all those things you think, you know you're right, they're wrong...if they would just do it your way everything would be much better."
Um...no
Not right at all
Shut up voices
My pain makes me weak
when I'm weak, all those little sins of the flesh come creeping in
I'm thankful for reading a proverb a day for a while
it's taught me how to hold my tongue
Right Speech...it's obviously an important detail since it shows up in every possible religion and belief system there is
Right Speech ...and it's more than grammatical prowess
It's more than knowing when to say the right thing
but when saying the right thing could be the wrong thing
I was letting myself get so angry over all the wrongs I presumed were being used against me
little tiny things that pull my eye away from all the beautiful miracles that happen every minute
my pain is opening a door to the anger demons and I cant' handle both
I don't want to talk because the words that come out will be ugly, vile, hurtful, spiteful, vindictive and serve absolutely NO purpose for good...other than purging myself...which ultimately will make me feel bad for all the negativity I have spawned into the world
So I started eating
I didn't eat lunch earlier because getting out of my conundrum was more important
So I baked a piece of fresh coastal flounder with pepper jack cheese...it was VERY good
Then I had a piece of my daughter's easter bunny with some peanut butter
and 5 wheat thins (these I quickly hid in my pocket when the front door cracked open...turns out I hid my sins from the DOG).
I stopped at that, realized I was letting my anger get the best of me and decided to write instead
capture it all so I'm ready for this week's appointment
I feel a bit better now (but why do there ALWAYS have to be kissing noises during kissing scenes in the movies...ugh I hate that smacking sound...Spiderman 2 on in the background at the moment)
I know I can communicate the things I need to say to whom I need to say it later on this afternoon when we're all back together
and...I actually feel full...not a typical thing when my brain goes into binge mode
So this time...I wanted to eat to stuff down all the yuckiness that wanted to come up out of me
2 comments:
so what if you did speak those things out loud? maybe not to the offender but to your therapist. have her be that person. or get a dammit doll, say all those natsy things then throw it in the wash. find a way past the guilt of putting negativity out there. you are yin-yang, good-bad, pure-evil. we all are. mother nature's way of balancing ourselves. you are not doing anyone a service by withholding yourself. again, doesn't mean you have to lash out at the person who pissed you off but lashing out is a release and a chance to heal. keep in mind that once in a while the offender might need to hear that lashing directly because there may be a lesson in it for them and you're the book opener.
ps: the dog is back?
p.s. response...no, the dog isn't back and will most likely be put down this week :( It's a long story that I've come to a quiet acceptance with...will share more later
I grapple with the whole words out loud just to get them out kind of thing. I like writing them, or typing an email then hitting delete.
I've been studying the 8 paths and have really focused a lot recently on Right Speech. I believe that In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. (John 1:1) and I believe that Words are Things...and we have the power to create things with our words...then there's that whole "get in agreement" little diddy I shared with you a few months ago So I'm growing out of my "let the words out" just to feel better phase and working on other ways. I think I first stumbled across this when I was experimenting with my "isms" and wrapped my brain around reducing world suffering by not putting your crap (for lack of a better word) on someone else who cannot do, or does not know how to do anything about it...thus giving them some of your suffering even though you feel better...that's just canceling out suffering, not reducing it.
I also listened to a recent interview about "angry dolls" or "punch pillows" ... turns out that teaching someone to let their anger out on an inanimate object only teaches them how to direct their anger in a different way but not dissipate the anger...the over all emotion is still there and in some cases, higher because of the hormones released during the physical action.
I think we have a lot to learn in this realm but I am feeling pretty strongly that Spirit has been leading my tongue, and it has worked out well. I know in my soul that I had to learn the tongue lessons before going through the pain lessons because as I said in my post...one would not be bearable if the other still had hold...and I would be going through this pain alone, which is painful in itself to think of!
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