4/29/10

If I had a hammer...

Yes, this was me teaching class a few years ago.
A local paper did an article on Christian Yoga and
it ran nationwide. I was probably at my healthiest
weight here...but still thought I was fat daily
without comparison
without judgement
without expectation

i've been meaning to get back into a regular yoga practice for a while
been meaning to
yeah

I'll get around to that. I have to be intentional about it. I have some changes coming to my work schedule that will either allow me to visit a local studio, or practice at home without kids around.

So part of 'been meaning to' means I think about it a lot.
After, the food episode of last week, well last week AND this week because it's still going on... I thought about the meditation I would use encouraging each participant, and myself, to start each class
without comparison to others ...or self
without judgement of others ... or self
without expectation of others ... or self

I need to apply this to my recovery
especially this stage in my recovery

The National institute of Health said “most defined recovery as total abstinence. However, recovery goes well beyond abstinence; it is experienced as a bountiful ‘new life’, an ongoing process of growth, self-change and of reclaiming the self.”
When I read this...I see total recovery...NO compulsive eating or binge eating. Total abstinence from my disordered behavior.
I'm learning (though not liking) that this is not the case.
According to Bodywise: Recovered means eating and moving in response to body needs most of the time. Your body's needs will vary day to day.
It does NOT mean never eating compulsively again. Bingeing may always be “in your toolbox.” People without BED eat for "emotional" reasons.
It means eating to check out will become rarer and rarer, with less and less food, for shorter and shorter episodes.
It means one episode will not, by default, lead to another.
It means an episode will get your attention right away; you will know the real need, let go of any anger at yourself for eating, and meet the real need as best you can.
Recovery is a journey, not a destination. You will recover at the rate that is just right for you!
I'd love to never binge again
I'd love to not feel a prisoner to food
I find myself resenting any food plan, even a healthy, non-restricting plan
I don't want to count, I don't want to measure, I just want to eat like "normal" people do
I wouldn't eat like the average american...because I actually like real, whole foods...
I just want to nourish my body
without having to obssess over it forget obssesing...just THINKING about it lately has been stressing me out
BUT...I don't want to gain weight
I am not (like many of my friends who struggle with ED) at a healthy weight, I'm on the cusp of 'overweight/obese' according to my BMI and that is after losing around 16 pounds over the past several months. I don't want to climb, I don't need to be a skinny mini, but I do want healthy.

I'd love to never binge again
but I know that is an unrealistic goal.

Somehow, when I struck out on my own I wound up with some of my father's old tools. I think it swirled around my parents divorce. Dad didn't use his old tools anymore, mom used them as antique decorations and I snagged some because I had childhood memories of them. I used to go on tty repair calls with my dad and his tools all had a certain 'worked with' smell about them.

Of all the tools I adopted, I still have his old craftsman hammer. Back in the day when it was just me and Bm, I used it for everything.
Now I have other tools, and the hub has several hammers that I use.

Not long ago I wanted to hang a picture and the hubs tools were in other places.
Dad's hammer did the trick.
I don't use it often, or even think about using it often but there are times when I need it ...and it does the job

I don't binge often, or even think about binging as often as I used to
but there are times when I binge...for some reason I need to,
and it does the job

4/27/10

We love you Mrs. Hannigan

I wish I believed in myself just a bit more than I do now
I'd audition for a local community theater production of Annie

My daughter is auditioning.
I know she wants the lead but just the experience of being one of the orphans would be awesome.

In reading over the audition requirements I scanned over the adult roles and gasped a little...I could do that...

I guess there is something to that teary feeling I get when I sit in a theater.

Neutral Information

I stepped on the scale last week.
I am a scale junkie
I can step on it 10 times in a row
go pee
step on it again
change my clothes
step on it again
move it to a different part of the room
and step on it again
so I decided to stop stepping on it

But last week, I stepped on it
It takes a bit of effort to actually step on my scale
It has to be dug out from under the armoire and plugged in UNDER my desk so obviously I was on a mission...I just wanted to seeeeeee.
Funny thing is, once I got on it, I couldn't remember what I weighed the last time I stepped on a scale.
For a few minutes I wanted my weight to be less... but less than what?
I thought I would feel bad about stepping on the scale, and I did for a minute or two.
I thought I'd become a scale junkie again...
But honestly, I packed it up and put it back where it lives and didn't think twice about it...other than to 'fess up that I weighed and we're uncovering my need to 'fess up in counseling, turns out there is something to that too.

But for now, reflecting on the scale
it wasn't good information
it wasn't bad information
it was neutral information
which is what a scale is SUPPOSED to be

4/26/10

still writing...

I posted my next article
Earth day is Every day
each one feels better than the last
I'm getting ready to start a series on what the Bible really says about Homosexuality
I'm sure I'll stir up some controversy with that one...
~grin~

4/21/10

STOP

Yesterday it was this....


This morning it's these...

Nearest I can figure I'm popping sugar to get rid of this headache...gotta love a menstrual migraine coz NOTHING gets rid of them

Did you read that Babs? Nothing, not even the sugar so STOP!

There, that should help
It's been months since I let the breakroom woo me
I still have a headache but I'll deal
better than having a headache AND a guiltache!

Joan has been awkwardly silent lately...

4/20/10

ah HA said the Goat

So hormones are the reason for my moody munching
I knew that...I keep a calendar
But the hormones just make me give in easier
they don't MAKE me take action
my eating disorder is comprised of certain behaviors that I will eradicate
whether I'm PMS'ing or NOT
No more kicking the Goat
there
I said it
I decided

4/19/10

that fix

Do you remember the scene in pay it forward where Helen Hunt's character tears the house apart frantically searching for ONE remaining drop of alcohol in her house
and she finds it
in the kitchen light fixture
and she drinks it
and everything feels right with the world for a second
but then it's not

yeah...
I know that feeling
it came in the form of a spicy chicken melt from checkers
some fries
and a hot apple pie that burned the roof of my mouth

She didn't care that she'd get sick
for that second she didn't care that she might fall off the step stool and break her neck looking... reaching for a drop of vodka

but for just that second
after that, she cared

i don't know why
i only know what was going on
i wasnt finished with my paper for class
(although I am now)
and my presentation is about what I want to be when I'm done with my education
it's all about me

ugh
I'll be sick tomorrow
I'll log too many calories today
and I'll restart my counter when I get home from school

I hate that "fix" feeling
I hate it and I love it all at the same time
GAH!

New, New, New

The blog has a new skin
the last one was nice but it was too prim and proper for me
too Joan

I like paper lanterns and it IS spring time and while I wait around for Blogger to let me upload MY OWN pic, I'll borrow this one :)

I've been wanting a new car lately
not New new...just new to me new
I think I've talked myself out of it because it's not a necessity
but just the same... I'm gonna go test drive ones I'm interested in
I like boxy cars so I'll try a Scion XB, a Honda Element, a Nissan Cube
but I'd really love to find one of these!

I still have dreams of a coolio VW Bus but for now I travel 60 miles round trip 5 days a week to work and just need something more economical. I'd LOVE to make it run on Veggie oil but being practical, it's gotta seat 5 JUST IN CASE the hub's truck isn't feelin it on a particular day.
So realistically, the Element and the mail truck are out...but a girl can dream.

I also experienced a new sensory trigger this weekend.
I'm interpreting a play at a local theater in the next month and went to preview the show yesterday.
I used to direct musical theater for kids and this particular playhouse is geared towards young actors. I also used to do a bit of acting myself so I expected to be excited about being there...
But this was different
And I've felt it before in other performances
and it was DEFINITELY a body feeling not a brain feeling because I STILL don't know how to explain it or WHY I feel it...this one is being bookmarked for Therapy!

I felt like crying
I did get teary
my chest ached...like a pining sort of feeling (or what I imagine pining to feel like)
anxious is not the right descriptive word but it's the only one I can think of
I wasn't being judgemental or thinking "I could do better" it wasn't that kind of feeling at all
I can't explain it and I don't know WHY
Maybe Ms Crawford's spirit really DID attach herself to me in 77 after she died and SHE is pining to be back on the stage....haunting

Well whatever it is I won't forget to mention it on Thursday
and...score one for me, I recognized a physical feeling and it's trigger
I might not understand the motivation...but it's progress

4/16/10

blah.blah.blah.blah.blah.blah.blah....

Joan started talking last night
I have noticed that my fingers only capitalize the first letter of her name so I'm going with that.
It would be a conscious decision and action to change it...and I'm not going that route!

I just started writing for an online info site
I'm excited about it because it's a step in the direction I want to take in the next chapter of my career
I spoke up a bit in group last night
And now all I can hear is...

photo credit
You know, no one wants to hear what you have to say...
You really should've just shut up last night...
What are you doing there anyway...

Sigh...I haven't heard her in a while
but she sat on the arm of the couch last night
she didn't say anything, but I knew she was there

Otherwise, I'm really feeling alright
I don't feel like soothing
I feel like I have my to-do list under control
I'm still proud of writing and I'm going to avoid having to write the biggest-best article in the world and submit something this weekend for publishing...

We're going out with friends tonight
This is a 'do-over' from a few months ago
I feel safe
Looking forward to it
Fretting because I don't know what my tween is doing
but that will all work itself out

You talk too much
You don't know everything
No one else cares

harumph :(

4/15/10

The next BIG thing

If you've read my 100 List or have followed my blog for any length of time, you'll know that one of my aspirations is to be a writer...a published writer.
Yes, I realize that technically everytime I "publish post" I am a published writer but that's not what I mean!

A few weeks ago I submitted a writing sample to Examiner.com.
A few days later I got this...
Dear Babetta,


Thanks for applying at Examiner.com! We have reviewed your information, and think you would make an excellent Orlando Liberal Christian Examiner (in our Religion & Spirituality channel).
It took my breath away to read!

Now I'm official and I published MY FIRST ARTICLE last night.
Writing it came easy and I swear when I hit the "publish" button, I squeeled and jumped out of my seat!
Hub looked at me with a raised eyebrow to which I exclaimed...
"I'm official! I just published my first on-line article!"

Okay now this one DOES feel fantastic
I told everyone I could think to share with RIGHT AWAY
I posted a link on Facebook, I sent emails and texts and messages
I guess I'm *gulp* PROUD of this one ;)

Nearest I can figure I feel really positive about this because it's another step in the direction I REALLY want to go with my life...
there's potential
there's hope
there's change

and I like hopey changey stuff
~grin~

4/14/10

Noticing a trend here...

After today's experience making my point with the credit card company and this month's episode with mom,
I'm seeing that for me, there is something to this speaking up stuff...speaking up.

I have this quote on a bumper sticker....LOVE IT!
That kinda ties in with my spiritual gifts theory seeing as I really didn't shut-up much when I was a kid.
I don't know when that changed...

I do know that these past two experiences have been calming. I can't find a better word than that.
This morning when I finished on the phone...I was a bit exhilarated but I felt resolution...I honored the piece of me that holds a strong belief in paying what I owe AND I spoke up about feeling wronged.

Just like with mom.

And in both cases
each time
at the exact moment the opposite party said, "You're right, I (we) did that..." I felt resolution.

I can hear my therapist now..."resolution isn't a 'feeling' word" how did that make you FEEL?"
Okay
I felt calm
I felt warm
I felt like the puzzle pieces fit together
maybe this is what validation FEELS like?

So now...
I just have to figure out why I tend to avoid this feeling like the plague!
xo




4/13/10

Typing Drills

photo credit
Since vacation I haven't gotten back into the swing of logging my food.

I didn't at all while we were on vaca
I haven't really since I got back
but I have...
I'm making myself do it again
It's not really that I have anything to hide

I'm my 'hungry phase' of the month so I'm using every point I've been given and even last week when I soothed with food I logged it
but i'm just not feeling motivated to do it

Okay so I'm feeling like there's something there
something like why I won't weigh on a scale...not because I'm afraid of what I'll see but because it has to be perfect
So I'm logging through the imperfections
It's just a place to track what I eat not to be perfect
It doesn't have to be pretty
It's pretty because I do it
I REALLY don't think I'm ready to say..."okay I'm not logging my food until April 13, 2011" like some of my other resolutions...but I do need to intentionally rethink the way I approach it and do it even when its not pretty or motivated or inspired
there is no right or wrong
I'm just gathering statistics

Like now
these past two days my intake has been high
but I'm still within my weekly range
I haven't blown it
I don't need a do over
I just need to keep doing


There.

4/9/10

From the Road

Im soothing again
My bones dont know what to do with this newest revelation
Theyre doing what they know how to do
I love you, bones.
We'll figure it out

Incongruency...

Just the thought of something positive scares me
Okay that's not a completely true statement but I can't figure out exactly how to wrap words around this feeling.
The other day, when I ate it was because the prospect of something positive was unfolding in front of me.
In the past, when I've succumb to my worst binges they've always followed something "good" that I'd just done.
I used to think this had to do with my inability to be proud of myself.
After therapy last night, I'm starting to re-work this thought.

I've always considered myself a project-starter. (That's a nice way to say I don't finish stuff)
I've started college 5 times and I'm still a year away from my BA
I've had this podcast idea in my head since November
There pieces of crafts, sewing ideas, gardening articles, home decor projects and recipes lying in unmarked graves of my idea graveyard waiting for their Easter sunrise.

I'm fighting very hard to keep the college-start number at 5 but truth be told I've had to go kicking and screaming against the saboteur voices in my head. I'm terrified of graduating and want to be done already all in the same breath.
My heart swells with purpose when I talk about the ideas I want to incorporate in my podcast and teaching tour, just the words 'podcast' and 'road trip' make my entire body smile.
Sometimes it takes all my muster to get up and put a paint brush in my hand to finish projects around the house and i still have seeds waiting to seed...

When I think about actually finishing school, my insides shirk away from the surface. It's like they curl up in the smalest ball possible and leave me there a shell-of-a-babs.

Yesterday in my individual session we talked about the recent episode with my mother and how I processed it. All in all a good scenario because 1) I didn't eat, 2) I felt my feelings, 3) I expressed my feelings in a healthy way and 4) I got resolution.

From that we started talking through whatever episodes may have happened when I was younger that left this inability for me to trust what someone says. That I must've had several examples (or one doozy) where I heard one thing but tuned into another (because I tune in like that...its a mad-skill of mine).
That didn't resonate...
For some reason, while my therapist was talking I started to think maybe it wasn't hearing good things about myself that I didn't believe...but good things about life in general. (that's not quite what I meant but I can't find words for that right now).

For example...when I was young, my parents told me all their marital troubles were over.
I remember that day CLEARLY...I walked in the door, there stood mom and dad hugging and smiling and mom said, "Look, we're fine now no more worry."
I didn't believe that.
I was younger than 10 but older than 8.
My life was supposed to be "good" and "okay now" but it didn't feel that way
http://www.nataliedee.com/
incongruency

Stepping out on this great adventure of my future path to change the world
Good thing...will be fantastic...totally ready to DIVE in, ideas coming out of my eyeballs I'm so on fire about it. But I freeze at the edge and won't even put my toe in because
it's supposed to be good and life will be okay now
but I don't believe it will
so I get in my own way and I douse the flames
so it never has a chance to be good
congruency...

What was said to be good, was not good at all
I don't like 'good' so I avoid it at all costs
I protect myself from it
I get in my own way so as not to attain it

But...
I think my marriage is good, and I don't feel an aversion to it at all
We talked about that for a while too
My marriage is good because it works
and I mean it's work
We work at it
it's not perfect
we each have our own demons and we struggle dealing with what life throws us on any given day
and dang...we have two tweens and a teen so of course it's work!
But we laugh and we talk and we giggle and we share and we vent and we listen. We sigh and we snark and we comfort and we support...
Several times just this week alone I've been reminded not only of how much I love my hub, but how much I love our marriage because it('s) work(s).

I don't understand the disconnect there yet
Why I'm afraid to finish my degree but not afraid of my marriage
But we've at least opened something that sent reverberations out my toes.

I don't want to eat every time I do something or feel something is good because I won't fit into the RV at the end of my national tour! ~grin~

4/8/10

Eulogy

Okay...just so you know, you cannot comment on this post.
I've turned off that feature because I don't wanna know what YOU'd say at my funeral, I already know you think I'm wonderful.
Gee, that sounds rather pompous but... writing my own Eulogy is a therapy homework assignment. It was assigned THREE WEEKS ago and due tonight, nothing like procrastinating huh?
Actually, I've tried to start a few times and just this morning got a good feel for where I'm going with it...
but then I realized the POINT of the assignment because I just can't get my fingers to write it, type it heck I can't even say it.

A eulogy (from εὐλογία, eulogia, Classical Greek for "good words") is a speech or writing in praise of a person or thing, especially one recently deceased or retired.
In praise of
*choke*
That's why I can't type
I'd have to say good things about myself
Like I told you...about my therapist? She's good...

So I started with the idea that I live intentionally
(maybe the whole writing in 3rd person was throwing me I dunno)
I want people to remember me for living on purpose.
I consider myself an everyday learner and wish to be so until I have no days left.
As we know better, we do better so my goal is to do better-er every day :P
I thrive on conversation and the intricacies of communication and I love teaching others those same intricacies. I believe communication is the heart of every relationship and relationship is what life is all about.
I'm learning how to communicate with myself.

I truly believe that I can make a difference and in my own little (or big) way, change the world
I believe that I see things in ways others don't and when they trust me, I will share my insights.
I may not always be right, and it's not about being right...it's about where my thoughts and words come from.
My thoughts and words come from a place of pure positive intention. What anyone does with my thoughts, words, or actions once I have done them is not for me to condone or admonish...it is just mine to act out of pure honesty, authenticity.
Hopefully, my actions model the same and I've inspired other authenticitizens and will continue to do so.

I want people to always know where they stand with me.
Honesty doesn't mean cruelty...there are ways to be honest without being mean...but the cruelty one suffers after learning what they believed is a lie is the worst feeling in the world and I never want anyone to experience that pain as a result of my actions or words.

I want people to feel better, better about themselves, their surroundings and their potential, after meeting me.
I want to always have a word, a smile or a look that lets whomever it is know that they are loved and valued; from my daughter to the panhandler outside the local gas station to the politician I vehemently disagree with.

I want everyone to realize that everyone has value and purpose and was created in love.
That God loves everybody...whether you like it or not...so you might as well, cause it doesn't hurt to be on the Big Guy's (Girl's?) good side.

Did you know YOU were created with a purpose?
Not just some hum drum way to drudge through life. There's actually an IMPORTANT reason why you are here. This is why it is so VERY important that you ARE YOU...I mean the YOU you were created to be.
So many of us hide under masks or try to be something we're not...we do this for so many reasons but ultimately it's because for some reason we don't think we're special or good enough just the way we are. OR WORSE that something is WRONG with us.
My teachers always said I talked too much and my friends said I was bossy because I always thought I knew better than they did.
See...those are just my spiritual gifts in hiding
yeah I love to talk...look, I'm talking to you now and I have SOMETHING TO SAY that is good!
I don't think I'm too bossy now but I will tell you...once I've learned something awesome I can't help but wanna share it.

I'm the weird one and I don't mind
I dance in the kitchen while I'm stirring the sauce
I quote random song lyrics at the drop of a hat
I speak my mind even when my voice shakes
I love you even when I don't like your behavior
I believe it never hurts to ask and that it's always okay to say 'no'
I don't have to change the world, but as I change me...the world changes too

I'm far from perfect
I still struggle with my own demons
but I'm honest about them...and I'm changing because of that, and change is good.

I'm a Christian and my faith is the center tentpole of my life
I disagree with lots of Churchianity
I can admit when I'm wrong but will keep speaking when I feel that something just isn't right

Above all, I want you to know that being yourself is the best gift you can give God (Sam, the Universe, your IDA). You were created JUST THE WAY YOU ARE for a reason
Don't change it ...if you do, well then you can't do what you were created to do
because only YOU can do that thing
and we need you
:)

4/6/10

Verbal Vomit

I don't know why I started eating but I did notice I started
had some left over pork fried rice when I got home from work and a cheese stick
that wasn't too bad...logged it...all good
It's gonna be around 8 or so before dinner with all the household extracurriculars and I had a bowl of soup for lunch.
Then I got munchy
so I had 4 graham crackers with some home made strawberry jam
then I got out the peanut butter
then I ate the rest of the jam
yup
right out of the jar
now mind you, there was maybe 1/4 cup of jam left but really? right out of the frickin jar?
then I had some roasted peanuts
probably about a cup full in all
ugh
and you know what
my brain wanted more
I stopped because my daughter had to head off to tumbling
we got there and found out it was cancelled tonight which is a good thing because I really couldve been at risk for dropping her off and hitting the 7-11 for some fritos or some other gloriously awful binge type food
WHY?
I'm soothing
but WHAT?
It hasn't been a bad day...in fact, it's been an awesome day
I figured out a catchy brand for my podcast/blog and started brainstorming the episode schedule
I had lots of good laughs with my BFF
Works was good
I felt a little teary watching something funny on TV (I don't get that...tears at funny?)
I'm not premenstrual or menstrual...that was last week
so WHY?

JOAN is being oddly quiet

Since I'm just thinking out loud here I'm gonna run with the idea that maybe it's because I'm excited about my podcast/blog idea
I want to travel
I want to write
I want to teach/lecture/counsel
and I thought of a real deal brand/concept that encompasses everything I want to travel/write/teach/lecture/counsel about
I feel excited about it
I feel like it's something I can do and be good at
I feel like it could really make a difference in the world...or at least my little sphere of influence

But you'll never do it
you get these ideas and then they just sit there, on a shelf
who will hire you
how much will you charge
how will you ever make money at this
who will even listen to you
hell only 4 people read your blog

Ahhh...there she is
sigh

I stopped eating
I told my daughter
I told the blogosphere...all 4 of you
I restarted my counter
and I'm staying true to myself
Authentic
I am what I am and that's all I can be

sigh

i'm eating
will write about it later

4/5/10

Breathing

I realized I never did a follow up post and some of you may be holding your breath!
Yes, this blog is for me but I do know that I have very caring readers and just as important...I RE-READ all the time so reading resolution is important!

My email to my mom was very factual. I'm sure there were some emotions tied in there too but honestly I just cut and paste a bit of my blog entry and tweaked a few things here and there. I felt really comfortable hitting the send button and I didn't frantically check my email looking for a response.

The next morning I had two.
The first simply said,  "I'm sorry. Momma"
The next one got a bit more intense and defensive...but nothing overly dramatic.

I realized there was information my mom didn't know...
In my family, we would rather know the truth...even if it might sting a little...than to hear a false complement.
If it's not true, then it's a lie.
This is simply a statement, not a character judgement
I didn't call mom a liar, I simply said she didn't tell the truth
Semantics, I know but still.

Mom admitted that she has said
she doesnt like my tattoos
she is concerned about my marriage
and she didn't like my daughter's hair

You know what...after I read that I was fine
there was closure.

Now she knows...she needs to be straight up or not say anything
The boundary has been set.
Now if it happens again, there is a standard to uphold
If it doesnt happen again...well then she's growing
Both are good outcomes :)

4/3/10

Vacation

Vacation is not necessarily good for my food plan
I need a schedule
But it is vacation...so I haven't been to hard on myself about the foods I've chosen
Even though it is vacation, I have been mindful of WHY I'm eating
I was bored a couple of times
It was 'there' a couple of times
I'm back home now and think this month I'll think of ways to have a routine in the absence of a schedule because weekends can mess me up at times too.
Not beating myself up, can't hear JOAN berating me
just taking stock and moving on :)
Happy Birthday Bm!

Why vacation you ask?
Because 12 years ago today my beautiful Lil B was born :)
We went to the beach for 4 days
turns out it was the same beach town where she was born so we did some sight seeing down memory lane and made some new memories too :-)
I walked on the beach for nearly an hour every day...man do I love and miss that!
We soaked up the sun, we learned to knit, we watched iCarly (because we no longer have cable at home and it's Bm's favorite show). We slept in and we stayed up late...woo hoo vacation :)