If I had a hammer...

Yes, this was me teaching class a few years ago.
A local paper did an article on Christian Yoga and
it ran nationwide. I was probably at my healthiest
weight here...but still thought I was fat daily

without comparison
without judgement
without expectation

i've been meaning to get back into a regular yoga practice for a while
been meaning to
yeah

I'll get around to that. I have to be intentional about it. I have some changes coming to my work schedule that will either allow me to visit a local studio, or practice at home without kids around.

So part of 'been meaning to' means I think about it a lot.
After, the food episode of last week, well last week AND this week because it's still going on... I thought about the meditation I would use encouraging each participant, and myself, to start each class
without comparison to others ...or self
without judgement of others ... or self
without expectation of others ... or self

I need to apply this to my recovery
especially this stage in my recovery

The National institute of Health said “most defined recovery as total abstinence. However, recovery goes well beyond abstinence; it is experienced as a bountiful ‘new life’, an ongoing process of growth, self-change and of reclaiming the self.”

When I read this...I see total recovery...NO compulsive eating or binge eating. Total abstinence from my disordered behavior.
I'm learning (though not liking) that this is not the case.

According to Bodywise: Recovered means eating and moving in response to body needs most of the time. Your body's needs will vary day to day.
It does NOT mean never eating compulsively again. Bingeing may always be “in your toolbox.” People without BED eat for "emotional" reasons.
It means eating to check out will become rarer and rarer, with less and less food, for shorter and shorter episodes.

It means one episode will not, by default, lead to another.
It means an episode will get your attention right away; you will know the real need, let go of any anger at yourself for eating, and meet the real need as best you can.
Recovery is a journey, not a destination. You will recover at the rate that is just right for you!

I'd love to never binge again
I'd love to not feel a prisoner to food
I find myself resenting any food plan, even a healthy, non-restricting plan
I don't want to count, I don't want to measure, I just want to eat like "normal" people do
I wouldn't eat like the average american...because I actually like real, whole foods...
I just want to nourish my body
without having to obssess over it forget obssesing...just THINKING about it lately has been stressing me out
BUT...I don't want to gain weight
I am not (like many of my friends who struggle with ED) at a healthy weight, I'm on the cusp of 'overweight/obese' according to my BMI and that is after losing around 16 pounds over the past several months. I don't want to climb, I don't need to be a skinny mini, but I do want healthy.

I'd love to never binge again
but I know that is an unrealistic goal.

Somehow, when I struck out on my own I wound up with some of my father's old tools. I think it swirled around my parents divorce. Dad didn't use his old tools anymore, mom used them as antique decorations and I snagged some because I had childhood memories of them. I used to go on tty repair calls with my dad and his tools all had a certain 'worked with' smell about them.

Of all the tools I adopted, I still have his old craftsman hammer. Back in the day when it was just me and Bm, I used it for everything.
Now I have other tools, and the hub has several hammers that I use.

Not long ago I wanted to hang a picture and the hubs tools were in other places.
Dad's hammer did the trick.
I don't use it often, or even think about using it often but there are times when I need it ...and it does the job

I don't binge often, or even think about binging as often as I used to
but there are times when I binge...for some reason I need to,
and it does the job