Today I still have Salma Hayek hair...my curls are behaving nicely now that it has grown a bit past awkward.
Today I get my new computer
Today I purchase my domain name for my new website
Today I am very proud of the man that I love, he's facing some demons head on and he's winning
Today I crossed 5 things off of my to do list
Today I ate 2 spoonfuls of m&m's
Today I ate 6 whopper candies
Today I ate alittle debbie cosmic brownie
Today, I think, I'm ovulating
Today I have a headache
That little debbie, yeah, it was stale
but i ate it anyway
sigh
In two weeks I start EMDR. Part of my preparations is to list at least one way (per day) that I made my heart 'gush.'
Heart gush comes from my "Always remember..." notebook that I started when I first met my husband.
It's a simple little notebook where I write one liners that remind me of times my hub made my heart gush with love for him. Little books like this are necessary because it's easier to get hung up on piddly little things that make you mad at times.
So my counselor charged me with writing down things that I do for myself that make my heart gush
I haven't written any...I've thought of some but haven't taken the time to put pen to paper
so I'm putting pad to key
I sang my birthday song LOUD in the living room on my birthday while dancing like a happy me
I painted the 2nd coat on the living room walls...it feels so nummy in there with the great colors
I LOVE MY decorating style :)
I've been dressing more 'babsy' lately
So the running theme is I've been letting my creativity flow
I notice tunes humming through my head (and out my lips) more often now and lyrics dancing around my brain...earworms planted years ago only to resurface as I sweep the floor or re-tie a bow so it's "just so."
I even dabbed a dot of patchouli on each wrist and behind my ears
Huh, whodathought that being myself would make my heart gush
now THAT phrase just made me chuckle
Miss AuthentiCity :)
I haven't written in a while
Can't really explain why
Some of the reasons I write are
to avoid a binge
to work through a feeling
to document a breakthrough
to have a place to dump what's in my brain
Guess I haven't really needed any of those things lately
Which...can be seen as a good thing :-)
I turned 38 this past weekend
No, I don't feel any older
We're getting closer to the finishing touches on the living room...I'm am uber excited about this fact
My 'design' self has had a chance to flex her idea muscles and it feels glorious
I've come to a place of acceptance with my size
It's not a bad thing
or an "I'm settling thing"
It's just where I am
It doesn't bother me to buy bottoms that are XL or to start with L tops rather than Mediums
(mind you...I'm talking summer clothes here, not an entire wardrobe of shopping)
I even bought a bathing suit without thinking or blinking twice.
Acceptance is good
“Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.” William James
I start a new kind of therapy next week ...and I'm back to group this week too (due to a hiatus at school).
I am quite excited about the new form of therapy...it's mostly used with those who suffer from PTSD and should be able to help me unlock the disconnect between my brain and my good monster. Yes, I'm still nervous about it...but as my therapist said last week, "You've already lived through it, so you don't have to be afraid."
School is to Food still exists
This week it crept up on me because I FORGOT that I have a Monday night class
so I didn't have time to fret about it
our campus has moved...so there is no fast food between work and school (bonus)
and hopefully this new therapy will help me unlock the 'is to' portion and move on
Not all monsters are bad
but the ones who are good
never do what they could
never do what they could
I'm still reeling
No, I'm still catatonic
No, I'm catatonically reeling
from yesterday's therapy session
The layer of the onion that makes you cry?
Yeah, that's the one we haphazardly sliced into last night
and once you've made that cut, you just have to keep chopping until your done
or the recipe just doesn't turn out right.
Haphazard isn't the right word
That implies that we went there mistakenly and without care...
I wouldn't have intentionally gone there if I knew how scary it would be...
It
I don't know what 'it' is
It's scary
I'm scared that it's REALLY scary
It could just be 5 or 7 or 9 year old scary
which might not be that scary
but it still FEELS scary
It's a monster
It's a good monster
All the good monsters open their eyes,
To see the wasteland where the home fires rise,
And the people shouting why, why, why...
Do you know what you are?
Do you know what you are?
All of the giants wake from their sleep,
And roll outside of safety's keep,
And the pain makes them feel so alive
Do you know what you are?
Do you know what you are?
And we are bored of all the things we know
Do you know what you are?
Do you know what you are?
Not all monsters are bad, but the ones who are good
Never do what they could, never do what they could
Not much more to say than that
I thought maybe letting my fingers fly might find something
Whatever was tapped into today in my individual session
is sorta deep
really visceral
and my Babs is doing all she can to disconnect
so...whatever it is ...it could be ugly
Thankfully...I don't have to do it alone
well, I have each of you...all you beautiful yous out there who share your love with me
and I have a great therapist
she helped me button things up today so I was in a safe place before leaving her office
and we'll pick up where we left off in a couple of weeks.
