need.more.food.

That's how I've felt lately
I've not gone outside of my food plan
But I feel like I need to eat more
I haven't been depriving or denying myself when i'm hungry

just a minute ago I had some yogurt with a banana and a tablespoon of roasted peanuts and some cinnamon.
and it was good.
I used almost half of my weekly allowance points over the weekend
some wine on Friday
made some great (gluten free, whole food) dips for my bro's b'day party
and aforementioned banana treat

I don't foresee the rest of this week being bad...Friday night was an anomaly, out with friends
my bro doesn't have a birthday every week ...so things should be good
But I FEEL like I need more food
strike that
I feel like I want more food
I am 2 days away from p-day so hormones ARE a factor
my bronchitis is NOT getting better so the chances of me and the treadmill having quality time this week are about nil...

So I'm loving myself with tea and herbal ointment
I'm getting up in the morning and treating my body to some yoga
some deep, breathing and stretching

I'm not over analyzing my 'need.for.food' feeling
But I am staying aware of it
I know in following my food plan I'm giving myself the nutrients I need, once my food for the day is consumed, I'm done. I'll have to make that intellectual decision, since I think 'body' is going to try to control things these next few days.

photo credit

Stages of Change

Recovery
Are you in need of recovery?
Are you ready for your recovery?
Have you overcome your addiction?


I'm not only learning how to deal with my own recovery, but how to understand and love those around me who are on their own journey.
These stages helped me a lot...thought I'd share.
They are specifically written from the perspective of an eating disorder because well...this my eating disorder blog, But...they can be applied to any addiction.

Pre-contemplation

• You don't believe there is a problem (with the way you eat or diet, eating behaviors, body size, weight or the way you have attempted to change in thses areas.
• "I'm only here because someone else (my physician, friend, family member) thinks I have a problem."

Contemplation

• You begin to accept the possibility that there might be a problem with how you eat/diet/attempt to manage your weight.
• "I may have a problem, but I'm not sure I can, or want, to change."

Preparation

• You start to get ready to make changes, considering the pros and cons of the problem. You look for support from others to help you through this process.
• "I'm planning to do something about my problem really soon. I've started to explore and discuss what to do."
• This may include asking others what has worked for them, researching healthy options, registering and attending workshops or groups, making inquiries

Action

• You take active steps toward changing behaviors and thoughts that support the problem.
• "I have been actively trying to do things to recover from my problem."
• You're following a healthy food plan, incorporating movement into your life and are present in your personal recovery program.

Maintenance

• You have made changes but continue to be aware of the problem
• "I have made changes to solve my problem, but need to maintain these changes actively.

The 'maintenance' phase is where I have failed miserably in the past. Actually, my support system failed too...through the Action stage and plummeted in the maintenance phase. I think too, I failed in the past because I have never attacked both sides of the problem at the same time. I have done lots of different things to change the shape and size of my body, but have never fully incorporated how I mentally felt about those changes, or the reasons I wanted (or even needed) them in the first place.

What stage are you in?

Well I was tripping down the street early this morning...

Sorta funny to me that my title is the first line of my 'theme song' from yesterday's post because I 'tripped' all the way into the gym this morning.

It's been hard to go to the gym every day this week.
This morning was no better. As if having Bronchitis last week wasn't bad enough, I think I'm getting a head cold so when the alarm went off at 6am, I really just wanted to go back to sleep!
2 squirts of nasonex per nostril, 2 puffs from my inhaler, laced up the shoes and out the door.

Driving to the gym I was NOT motivated...but I WAS still driving to.the.gym.

Parked and grabbing my iPod and headphones...BLAST! My headphone cord is wrapped up in a strap from my mini purse...where are the scissors. (In hindsight I'm glad there were no scissors because I would've been miffed if I had cut the strap!)
'Oh forget it! I'll just listen to the music in the gym and walk instead of interval train today'
No..try again

(inhale/exhale) Success, cord unwrapped...now where the heck did my iPod go? It was RIGHT here in my lap. You're NOT gonna win obstacle fairies...I'm GOING into the gym!
*doors open, frantically searching for iPod* Turns out it's in the console, right where I put it the first time I gave up on my headphones...
In the gym, stretching and feeling my itchy eyes and scratchy throat creeping up on me...

At this point I decide to do the best I can with my intervals...maybe walk/speed walk rather than pushing myself to run...I'll run if I can, but it's not the end of the world if I don't....just finish the 30 minutes

What a concept
Just finish

14:17 minutes into my session and "attention gym members, there is a my color/my car in the parking lot with it's lights on.
OH GAWD are you kidding me?
What EV. I'm finishing my 30 minutes and if it dies the hub will just have to come get me
I'll be late to work but I'm finishing my session.

So I did the 30 minutes, intervals of walk/speed walk...and I ran some
Covered the same distance (just about) then went home.

Yeah...covered the same distance
And I was happy with that

HUH WHA? I totally figured I would be miffed that my running efforts seem to be for naught because I can WALK the same dang distance.

So I've come to the realization that the idea of RUNNING (okay who am I kidding, Jogging) my first 5K doesn't have to be the goal. Just finish!

And I'm okay with this

In fact I'm really comfortable with this

It doesn't mean I'm going to totally slack the training

But I don't have to go balls to the wall to be the best right out of the gate

WHOAAAAAA what who are you and what have you done to my brain?

I ALWAYS have to be the best right out of the gate.

No, that's not me...that's JOAN, not Babs

and I'm still Takin care of Babsness.

and totally looking forward to my race.

And it turns out...it wasn't my car afterall!
:)

photo credit

What's Your Theme Song?

So I've been doing stuff that's good for me, even when I don't feel like it.
Today I dressed for the gym after my shift AT work again so that I was already in my gym clothes for the drive home.
While I was changing, I thought to myself, "Yeah, I'm taking care of Babs."

Now if you know me personally, you KNOW I can turn anything into a song and I immediately started singing (in my head...)

Takin care of Babsness

Every day

Takin care of Babsness

Every way

I be takin care of Babsness

She's alright

Takin Care of Babsness

and workin over time

WORK OUT!

Then I giggled...coz it was silly...but I'm still singing it :)

But...If I had to pick a theme song, it would be this one by Concrete Blonde
If I were on Idol, I'd sing this song (never mind the seemingly mocking reference to still being in Hollywood)
It's what I listen to at the gym or in the car or sing out loud to!

Well I was tripping down the street early this morning

And the psychic lady pointed at me

She said come on in and I gave her my money

Said tell me, tell me, what you see

And she said she saw the angels dancing with me

Dancing to the beat of my feet down the street

She said she saw the angels dancing with me

Keep on, keep on, keep on now

Still in Hollywood

Oh I thought I'd be out of here by now

Still in Hollywood

My, my I'm running on a wheel and I don't know why

I don't know why

And I ran into Tommy Pomy

What a goddamned phony

Had a new fish on the line

Well the last one left with the last bad cheque

The only good one that he ever had died

I gotta live and live, I gotta learn to forgive

You know that everybody's gotta right

But theres evil all around in this broken down city

Its a twenty four hour fight

Still in Hollywood

Oh wow I thought I'd be outta here by now

Still in Hollywood

My, my I'm running on a wheel and don't know why

Still in Hollywood

Oh wow I thought I'd be outta here by now

Still in Hollywood

My, my, my I'm running on wheel

and don't know, don't know, don't know why

So let's me and you go get a new tattoo

We can hop on the harley and cruise

We can start at the pier and share a beer

Head out to the desert

I can feel it from here

Ride all the way to where the lizards play

Riding on, and on, and on

Theres a million stars it'll blow you away

It's all so Concrete Blonde

Still in Hollywood

That's right, you know we can ride it out all night

Still in Hollywood

Hey, hey, hey I got to, gottaway, gotta getaway yeah

Still in Hollywood

My, my, my yes I'm glad to be alive

Still in Hollywood

Mama gonna be sombody, someday, sometime

Still in Hollywood

Oh yeah

Oh I wanna get out alive

Don't you know why

Oh I'm doin fine

Oh this is why

Oh wanna be out of here by now...

(What's a matter with you young man
Going to Hollywood, gonna be a big shot
That towns gonna suck you up and spit you out
You ain't gonna have a pot to piss in
Don't come back to me for a job
You made your bed, now sleep in it...)  


Gee...kinda funny how much this voice over sounds like something JOAN would say!

Another day of process

Yes, I ran yesterday!
You can read about how I almost puked here...I'll save you the details if you're not interested :)
I feel pretty good about completing the run since it was just the 1st day of the week, should make the rest of the week go by easier.

I packed my gym bag again today. Changing at work and going directly to the gym is the ONLY way I'll go in the afternoon, and since I've had to be to work by 8 the past few days...morning work outs are NOT happening.

In other news, hub pointed out that it looks like my fuse is about an inch away from my head...guess I've been testy.
But ... Boobs=Sore
so the hormones are happening

Have not had any candy from the break room
Have stayed within my food plan for the week
Have nourished my body with gluten free foods
Have been honest with my feelings this week (out loud)
Good on ya! (that was to me)

My homework from therapy is to start a story...
actually, I have to create a character, a heroine
and I'm the heroine

My session was last Friday, I haven't started yet

photo credit LOVE this pic funny!

Feeling Dump

I don't feel like going to the gym today after work- I AM going to the gym today after work, I WILL change into my gym clothes before I even leave the building.

I have been taking a 2nd look at candy in the candy jar for a day or two now
I haven't eaten any, I've mentally told myself to 'step away from the (insert vile temptation here)...but I do recognize that I'm looking more...getting close to my period? Maybe, another thing to watch

I won't be dumping formaldehyde on my head
or getting #1son's room or the living room painted by someone else
because the money needs to be put to other things
I'm miffed about that even though I know it's right

It's probably why I've been vacillating about the hair in the first place...although I wonder how much good I do with the BS/ACV routine on my head ...would probably cancel it out TOTALLY with the formaldehyde.

I know we could paint the rooms ourselves...but we haven't, for over a year and I just want it done already

I hate coming home and seeing us in several 1/2 completed projects
I hate it more this week for some reason...so maybe I am premenstrual
I just want to come home and have it finished and move on
just blink and done!
It's a luxury we can't afford right now, we're just trying to stay afloat...ends always meet, but sometimes not on time so it's a harried game of catch up and I wanna sit out this round.

It's hard for me to muster up the gratitude in paying the mortgage when I hate the house I come home to.
It's hard for me to say I "hate" it because it is the house that God gave us and more often than not I love it.
I just hate the condition its in this week and needed a place to dump that feeling so I don't eat it...because I hear JOAN walking down the hall and I'm really not in the mood for her shit today.

Things I just need to learn to get over

I hate when there are dishes in the sink
I hate when there are clothes on the floor
I hate that the porch becomes a weigh station
I hate that the counter in the kitchen closest to the friggin garbage can and recycling bins is a weigh station for recycleables and garbage
I hate the dustbunnies that have taken up permanent residence in the corners of the floor
I hate that I hate all these trivial things and that I let them get to me
they don't bother other people nearly as much (yes I know there are those of you like me out there but really...we're done in by our own stupid strive for perfection)
I hate that the things I hate make me grumpy and irritable and unpleasant
I hate that I set my standards so frickin high
I hate that it only seems to bother me REALLY badly sometimes because that makes me seem like uberbitch
I accept it, (mind you, not condone...just pick my battles) and find gratitude regularly
then a switch flips and blammo my face says "I only love you when you do what you're not a lazy slob"

Dammmmmnnn that sounds like JOAN
I don't want my hub or my kids to feel that way
I catch myself and rephrase or apologize, but not nearly enough
I try to explain what is causing my actions...but it doesn't excuse them
ughhhh I hate this feeling


UPDATE: later on this morning...
So, we are going to have a friend come price the painting (fingers crossed this will work!)
and it seems as though I'm not the only one who feels this way lately

I wonder where the whole idea of Spring Cleaning comes from
After being cooped up in the house to hide from the chill in the air...women around the globe throw open their curtains, prop open the doors and declare war on the stuffy forced air and messy linen closets with blankets tossed wherever they landed!
Power to the people!

or something like that
I'm feeling a bit more like going to the gym, should be fired up and ready by the time my shift ends at 3

feeling better...it's a process

photo credit photo credit 2

One year commitments

If you follow my other, not so personally intense or exposing blog, you'll know that I have decided not to drastically cut my hair until October 31, 2010. Yes, I'll get a trim from time to time...but I'm growing it long, it is sorta long already but I'm going for more...and it's AWKWARD right now. I'll never really know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll if I keep taking a bite!
(sorry ran with the random similar metaphor and I won't go into how it's an EATING metaphor...)

I'm considering straightening my hair to get through the awkward phase...I LOVE it straight so it would be a way to reward myself without food, but the crunchy side of me is having a REAL hard time with the idea of having formaldehyde on my head.

Anyway...I digress

I've set another 1 year habit creation.
I'm not checking my weight again until January 25, 2011
I may step on a scale, at the doctor's office or for some reason like that, but I will not look and I will request the information not be shared.
This way, I'll find NEW ways to measure my healing journey...and the scale won't wreck or derail me.
My recent experience showed me that I hang a lot on numbers. Rather than being satisfied, and even proud with the fact that I had nourished my body in a healthy way, OR that I had actually lost 2 pounds, I wondered why I didn't lose 5. Why should losing matter at all... did you read that? I fed myself in a nourishing way, I honored my gluten intolerance, I found glory in the scrubbing and chopping of vegetables and pride in the meals I created for my family. Which...by the way...they devoured with joy.

A good way for me to remember to work on a NEW habit...is to remember that I'm working on breaking an old one. So I'm not stepping on the scale because I'm teaching myself to find enjoy my healing journey in other ways.

And for the record...I haven't eaten from the candy jar at work in a while either.
It's been whispering to me this week. I've been telling it "no." (in my head)
I'm gonna start saying it outloud!

Have a great week!

photo credit

Analyze This

Heh heh, I love this movie...doesn't hurt either that I like both Billy Crystal and Robert DeNiro's work.

Today's session was great!
If you're in Central Florida (or close) and looking for a good counseling center that focuses on Eating Disorders, I HIGHLY recommend White Picket Fences.

I turned in my homework today...I'm actually quite pleased with it. My collage turned out great...even better than I imagined and, as is always the case with art therapy...it said a lot more than even I realized it said.
I think I'm going to laminate it and put it up in my cubicle. I snapped a picture of it with my phone...I'll see how good the photo turns out and if it's worth sharing I'll post it later.

So yeah, I totally had one of those "you, you're good" moments today in counseling.
Turns out not only my words, but my art (the collage I made) and the sensations I recognize in my physical body are disconnected.

Funny thing...all the 'body' images in my collage were intentionally action shots of the types of things I see myself doing...writing, art, reading, taking photos, gardening, working on the house, etc...no heads. I did that on purpose because it was the action I was going for.
While watching me put it together last night Bm even said "hrmm, I guess you like your head huh?" I chuckled at her observation...but she is wise beyond her years.
My head knows where I want to be...knows the possibilities
My body, is not caving in, is not participating and reminds me regularly that it occupies more space than my head and will eventually win out.
While recounting several 'positive' things that happened during the week...I couldn't find a FEELING word. I felt accomplished...but that's not a FEELING
While recounting some ugly binge moments and struggles...it was only my head that moved and spoke, my body didn't move an inch...I felt like the headless woman from Beetlejuice, but at least in her case, each half is aware of the other!

So we've stumbled onto something here...the best word I could use to explain my 'feeling' was inline...inline with who I SEE myself being
I felt like my collage poster
I was posterized
But that's still not a feeling...no wonder the disconnect.

We also talked about how I'm feeling in OA meetings
I feel a bit incongruent
I don't like the "I" statements.
Even when I was working on my emotional triggers worksheet as I was working through this morning's 'almost-binge' it didn't feel quite right to write "I feel as though I'll just fail again," or "I feel like I can't do anything right."  Because I don't feel that way. The voices in my head TELL me that...but that's not me.
My name is Babetta and I have a compulsive eating disorder.
I am not my eating disorder
I am Babetta

Everything about my OA experience has sounded a bit like JOAN.
You will never be well, you'll always be sick, you'll always be in recovery, you'll always need me and you'll always be a compulsive overeater.
No, no I won't

I am Babetta
I will be well, I am not sick, I am working on recovery, I have all I need inside of me and I will succeed in my journey to overcome my eating disorder.

Go ahead Punk, MAKE my day

A calculator can ruin your day if your checkbook register doesn't add up the way you think it should but typically it lives in a drawer where it is easily found for kids' math homework, grocery shopping, bill paying and tip configuring.

A clock can ruin your day if the alarm goes off before you were ready, but otherwise is pretty reliable and even helpful at times.

A phone can get in the way if you spend more time talking on it than talking TO people face to face...but we can all admit they're pretty much a necessity these days.

Oven timers, cable boxes, stop watches, remote control devices...all of em, just box shaped things with numbers on them. Not earth shattering, not mind blowing, not extremely significant, although convenient.

So why then, does SO Much hang in the balance over a scale?!

JOAN started talking again this morning.

If you remember the Doctor's office Scale incident, you'll know that today was the day for my follow-up visit. You'll be happy to know that my lungs are clear and I'm nearly 100% after last week's bout with bronchitis.

You'll also be proud to hear that I've done very well sticking to my points every day for the past week and haven't felt deprived IN THE LEAST. I've been to the gym 4 times this week and have a week of  Chubby Jones Couch to 5k under my belt.

But...if you remember correctly, the whole reason I started counting points again is because of the fuss my dear doc made over the fact that 2009 brought with it 13 lbs. 

It was a challenge.

I knew I would be back in a week and I knew I could SHOW her!

So I went back

And I DID show her.

I lost 2 lbs this week!

SHE DIDN'T EVEN FRICKIN NOTICE

She didn't say a word!

She just asked me about my tattoos.

It didn't take JOAN long to jump on THAT.

You see dear, no one cares, no one cares because they've seen it all before. You're not going to make it, you'll just give up again. See dear, you're already thinking about what you'll eat for breakfast. You really should stop this silly charade. I mean, look at you...you even thought wearing the EXACT same clothes as you wore last week would make a difference.

How effed up is THAT! I lost 2 lbs and I STILL let the voices start working on me.

Where's the voice that said HOO RAH! Way to go Babs look what you did?

Where's the voice that says this is about how YOU feel and what YOU'RE doing for YOURSELF.

JOAN strangled her this morning she lurks in the wings and sucks the life out of me. She pulls out all those old tapes and replays them LOUDLY...no JOAN doesn't even have an iPod and the tapes are stretched and worn thin and the noise is distorted but it settles deep in my bones, it has a home there and it knows just where to go.

It's times like these that I NEED a plan

I have to have some routine to fall back on

something that is straight up muscle memory that pushes me through or the voices win. I admit, I wanted it to be 3, 4 or 5 lbs that I lost this week...I need to work on my delayed gratification!

JOAN didn't win this morning. She's still talking, Oh I'm not done yet, dear. You can type all you want but you know, yes YOU know that in the end I am right, I am always right.

SHUT UP JOAN

Today I came home and I made a great breakfast

I journaled my food

I'm WRITING my feelings instead of eating them.

I have PLANNED to have a smoothie from Planet Smoothie today and I will, without feeling guilty and within my points allowance.

I am proud of myself

I chose a plan for the week and I stuck with it

I added 1/4 mile to my running time in just one week

I lost 2 lbs this week HOO RAH!

I admit I am struggling and am at risk for a binge today....but the numbers at the top of the page remind me it's been almost 12 days since I last used food to soothe and those are numbers I DO want to increase.

So, 

I'm still going to count my points

having a daily plan is good for me, it keeps me focused

When I plan out my food, I pack my food and I stay nourished which is important for MORE than just my weight...I've also been completely gluten-free so it helps my health too.

I'm definitely still training for my 5k...I even got my Tiara! (heck it is a PRINCESS 5k after all!) and running makes me feel good...it makes me sweat, and I LIKE to sweat.

I am, however, NOT stepping on the scale again

I mean I know that if I go to the doctor for something I have to

but I packed away our home scale months ago and it is an effort to take it out and plug it in...I did this intentionally so I would stay off it (confessions of a former scale junkie)

It's just a box with numbers

It doesn't change my life

It doesn't make or break my day

I choose to do that

and today I choose MAKE

photo credit 1 photo credit 2 photo credit 3 photo credit 4

**JOAN speak

Look Up

No, not up to the ceiling
just shift your eyes up a bit
see those numbers? right there below my "awesomeness"
That's how long it's been since I last used food to soothe

\ˈnȯr-məl\

I've started reading my book and I'm mulling over Step One - I am powerless over food and my life has become unmanageable.

Really? Unmanageable?
Nothing I can do, say, or will can change my situation?
It sounds so 'absolute' when I say it that way...I guess that's the point but it's still a hard pill to swallow.
There is definitely still a piece of me that says "I can beat this thing" and be done with it
then I can be normal again like everyone else...
a few bites of birthday cake, a special dinner out, a candy bar every once in a while...

Really?

Can I be normal?
I never have been, not that I can remember anyway.
But this sounds SO rigid
It's something that I've been 'uncomfortable' with about the whole Anonymous program approach
...you're sick, you'll always be sick, all you can do is manage your sickness...
part of me believes there is truth to this...none of my weight loss attempts have ever worked in the past
part of me thinks I can do it without the rigidity...like James Frey (yeah I know he was a fraud but it was a damn good read!).
Everyone at these meetings is so dang old; I found myself wondering where the '30 somethings' meet.
Maybe the method is outdated
Maybe it doesn't work for Gen X'ers like me
Then I found this article
I wasn't really looking for an article, I was looking for a picture for this post and found the article...
It resonated with me on some level.

I'm still not going to be the expert, or refute what the experts suggest...my suggestions haven't worked in 30 years... but I am going to bring it up to my counselor on Friday.

photo credit

Friday Night

So, since Bm is sleeping over at a friend's house and middleson is heading to the middle school dance, I did some research and decided I'm going to an OA meeting tonight, one that is actually meant for beginners so maybe I'll understand the process a bit more and not feel like in an AA meeting in cognito.

I had an urge to eat today when I got freaked out about finances.
I talked myself out of it and new there was no reason to freak out in the first place.
So I eat when my security is threatened.

Okay and honesty of all honesty
I started counting points again today
part of me feels GUILTY for doing that!
I know where that comes from
I started counting because of the Doctor's office Scale Shame of yesterday.
See, I have a follow up appointment next Friday so I can be LESS weight by then

Yes, true
this isn't necessarily a bad thing
but the motivating behavior isn't a good one!

So am I doing the expert's job by jumping into some sort of food plan?
or am I doing a healthy thing by focusing on what I'm putting into my mouth?
I feel guilty for eating healthy
how screwed up is that?!?!

Today in an email I typed the words "never thought I'd be a 12-Stepper..."
read into that what you will...like I think it's a bad thing, or defeat, or whatev.
Honestly, I'm not sure what I think of it yet
Am I really a 12 stepper? I HAVE bought the book
Tara says we're still "trying things on" to see what feels best
but heck, isn't that what I've done with the 3 pages full of diets I've tried throughout my life
Isn't it just time to put something on and be done with it?

Okay, enough of that
oddly enough I'm not talking myself out of tonight's meeting
I'm actually looking forward to it so that's gotta say something

photo credit

Inspiration Station

If you've never scrolled the blogs I read....you should, it's good stuff...he heh
If you have...then you've read Christine
She usually inspires me on so many levels...but I never knew she shared my food addiction...and has overcome it! Great post today...thought I'd share

2010: The year I make contact

It's meeting night and I didn't go...but I had a good excuse and it wasn't JOAN.
I've been sick since Monday...tried to work Monday and Tuesday to no avail and went home early both days. I figured staying home Wednesday and sleeping ALL DAY would kick it but woke up this morning even worse than I've been all week so although I would've much rather stayed in bed, I managed my way to the doctor and $130 later, I'm on the mend.
Bronchitis with the added luxury of Sinusitis mmmmm, but had I not gone to the doctor it could've wound up pneumonia so I'm thankful I went, thankful for health insurance, and thankful I had the money for my co-pays.

Had I not gone to the doctor, I also wouldn't know that I put on 13 pounds in the past year

Yeah, could've done without that one
It's really not anything I didn't already know
and yes, she reminded me that it's true weight gain because my clothes weren't that heavy
she said that 3 times
ugh
"What happened to cause that"

ugh well gee doc,  I ate!
I started to blame it (in my head) on my gluten intolerance since nothing that is made to be gluten free is low in calories but that's a bunch of bunk
I almost told her I'm in therapy for my compulsive overeating
but I didn't
I got my meds for my horrible symptoms and went home

Why? I think because since I've seen her last she's become a Medifast pusher. Every door, every hallway had a poster promoting the positives. I don't know how a meal replacement diet can be considered positive. The tag line on the smiling model's poster said something hokey like 'with Medifast I didn't have to worry about what I eat so I could focus on Why I eat.'

I tried something like this before. I tried calling Jenny. I felt like such a buffoon. There was no thought whatsoever put into opening a box and pushing a button it actually made me feel WORSE.

Okay so no, I'm not happy about the 13 pounds of 2009
Especially because I was not happy 13 pounds ago

I think that's all I have to say about that right now

But yeah, the meeting...I'm just now barely breathing again so I stayed home recuperating
Work tomorrow
I've found an Ala-non meeting for next week and I bought this book

Yup I'm nervous about this
I've been reading about abstinence and it sounds well...BLAND
broiled, boiled, skinned, blah
but I'm not presupposing
and I'm not jumping ahead
and I'm not an expert
I'm just me...and I'm still on this journey
I'm in a different place than I was in February of '09
I understand some of my body's issues (my gluten intolerance), I've rid myself of my chronic pain, mood swings and general dis-ease, and I'm confronting JOAN
yes...2010 is the year I make contact...with ME


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A Picture says 1000 words...

this one says more...well it probably says a total of  15 or so but it says them OVER AND OVER again.
Yes, it's JOAN again.
WHAT A HORRIBLE PICTURE
Those jeans make you look fat
Look at the striations stretching around your thighs.


Ugh, shut-up JOAN I know!
I honestly didn't feel good in my clothes on this trip...even the "big" pants were snug

Honestly, this wasn't even meant to be a 'save it to the album' picture. I was testing out my new remote for the camera for our family shot...test shot, that's it.
But it haunts me. So I'm posting it, to see that it's not so bad and JOAN can't keep me hiding because of it.

We re-joined our local gym. They offered a "we want you back" deal...it wasn't so great and I snidely replied with a counter offer...AND THEY TOOK IT. Woo hoo!
It's been good because hub and #1son have been going every morning and #1son DOES NOT do mornings...but he's doing the gym at 6am with the hub...they're doing stuff together...yay

Me? Well I've been sick
creeping crud
not nauseas but tight chested and itchy eyed if I breathe too quick my bronchioles go nuts and I have a coughing fit kind of crud
so I haven't been to the gym yet
grumble grumble
but I'm not letting JOAN say anything about that.
...and the picture doesn't bother me anymore either.

The Why I Do the Things I Do

** I don't know why my titles have been snippets of songs (or parodies of snippets of songs) lately so please forgive the unintentional planting of any ear worms...I'll try to pick better songs :)

*** JOAN speak

I'm gonna get crazy with the glue stick today (dang it now I'm singing Beck) and work on my goals collage. I want more pictures...I have a lot of words right now but I donated my magazines to the school so I'm at a loss. I really don't want to just image search online because I'd be controlling the images that I found rather than just grabbing what speaks to me... I'll figure it out

Anyway...Why I do the things I do...

The second part of my homework comes from this book. I only know that because I searched for an image to upload...my counselor just gave me a copy of the page I'm supposed to use so I'm not endorsing nor discouraging the reading of this book...nor have I perused any additional pages on line. I'm working REALLY hard on letting the experts be the experts in my recovery because 30 years with JOAN have shown me I don't know squat even though I know A LOT.

My homework comes from page 78 (you can use the arrows to flip through the pages in google books)



This is gonna make me THINK a whole lot more about why I eat
I know I eat when I have to talk
I know I eat as a way to show myself love
I know I eat because I'm not worthy  I don't allow myself to be proud of my accomplishments.
Now mind you, just because I know these things, doesn't mean I stop myself...I'm smart enough to know I need a network of experts and support to help with that...and those smarts aren't going to make me eat right now.

So let's take an example

January 8, 2010
(just now realizing it's probably going to be easier to work this sheet backwards which kinda sorta sucks coz that means it will be post-food and my jeans are already getting tight...and they're the size I bought to just be accepting of where I am while I work on this...)

Activators:

• I took a shift from 9:30 to 3pm thinking I'd be out by 12:30... never assume
• I worked somewhere I haven't been in a while and I'm fatter than I was before
• We had family meal scheduled at my mom's house, mom recently got engaged, sister would be there, brother would be there (yay)... on a positive note, my mom bought Gluten Free (she says Glutton...how cute) pasta so I could eat with the family 
• My mini me has had a fever for 2 days
• I haven't gone grocery shopping

Beliefs:

• I tried to hide my weight gain in the outfit I chose to wear
• I'm thankful it's winter and chilly in Florida so I can wear layers and make it 'look good'
• I think I look horrible
• If I had more control I wouldn't have let myself get here

Consequences:

• I got very quiet
• I did a lot of 'rescuing' and became the protector "I just saved you"
• I got miffy about chores around the house
• I admitted my disorder and my journey to recovery to my brother (he's cool)
• I occupied myself with technical mumbo jumbo (a la new template) 
• I ordered pizza for the fam
• I ate pizza

I ate 4 slices of pizza, Pizza Hut stuffed crust pizza

I coulda stopped at 2

but there was something about that happy mouth sensation

and yeah, even though I took 2 pills to help with the gluten issues before I ate the pizza... I just can't do that

It's a band aid and an enabler.

In session on Friday I said I need parallel steps, while I work on ridding myself of JOAN, I need action steps.

Weight watchers worked in the day because I had the action steps and the voices in my head were all about love and empowerment in my job (I had recently met the man who would be my hub and I was doing some great performance art stuff and was encouraged to the hilt by my Pastor/boss at the time)

Eventually, the steps stopped working because the underlying emotional reasons for my eating were never addressed in WW, I still binged, just on a 2lb bag of baby carrots instead of nutty bars. And now the voice is SO loud that I talk myself out of following the steps because I'm just going to fail anyway.

So parallel steps, we'll work on that next time. I've been packing WAY too little food for lunch, not allowing myself to pick from the candy dish at work (2 or 3 kisses a day slip in but I walk away from them 2 or 3 times a day too) and then wind up eating an entire 2nd plate at dinner time. Tara told me to pack more for lunch, or a good snack (see I KNOW these things) but JOAN says...and dared to say right in the middle of our session...'Suck it up, there's enough of your thighs you won't die if you don't pack more food'

Shut up JOAN

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Homework

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I don't believe in New Year's JANUARY 1st resolutions

Honestly, I believe these can happen every day, month, 7 years, or whatever chronological marker happens to coincide with my decision.

So it just so HAPPENS that my homework this week has me redefining my goals for therapy and this homework was assigned in January :)

I started flipping through magazines and cutting out anything that spoke to me in one way or another...it didn't matter why or how, if it made me look, I cut it out.

I guess I'm going for a dream collage but I'm not planning it I'm just doing it...it's inspired, I'm inspired

but for list sake:

List of Changes...not necessarily 2010

• Physical/Health - strong, healthy, realistic shape, managing my gluten intolerance without burden
• Mental Emotional - Say No To JOAN!
• Educational/Academic - finish Bachelors, pursue Masters
• Relationships - honest, open, growing, working, improving, always grounded in love, intentionally pursuing friendships
• Spiritual - deeper, closer, and more transparent
• Professional - blogger, podcaster, teacher, speaker, traveler, healer
• Home - painted, garden, simple, green, co-op

This looks better as a collage in my head

but these are the words that came to mind so I spit them out of my fingers

I also have a trigger worksheet

this one should be cool

I'm gonna stick it in my pretty journal

so i have it at the ready when I feel the need to soothe with food.

My drug of choice...

These meetings are going to be hard. Thursday night meetings read from "The Big Book," and there is no Big Book for OA...it's the AA book so we're reading about alcoholism and alcoholics keeping our own addictions in mind. Sometimes we change the word alcoholic with food addict, or alcoholism with compulsive over eating...but some of the stories don't lend themselves that way so we read about the disease of addiction and apply it to our own circumstances.

This is hard, because I've lived with addicts of one sort or another for pretty much my entire life. And yes, I want to change them. I AM that moderate drinker that can take it or leave it and thinks you should be able to as well. I WAS a recreational drug user that couldn't understand how you could blow your paycheck on a knot that was gone in one day...then lose your job because you were high for days and missed work. But I'm also the food addict that gets pissed off when someone says "Oh just one treat every once in a while won't kill you," or, "if you want to lose weight, just don't eat so much." Well DER!

I didn't talk much last night
I did identify with a passage in the story we read about the character's sober self being the antithesis of his true self ...this is SO who I am as a compulsive overeater and have been for years.
At the end of the meeting the leader asked me to pick the closing prayer
PICK?
There are choices?
"um, I don't know, I'm a newbie..."

We open every meeting with the Serenity prayer...so she suggested that would be a good closer that I knew...
"okay"

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference"

I realize something I cannot change if I want to break this cycle
I must face the fact that I cannot use my drug of choice - - I cannot compulsively overeat to soothe myself
This is gonna suck
I am gonna suck
withdrawal is gonna be a bitch
I'M gonna be a bitch
I'm not looking forward to it
I am looking forward to it
UGH

I have a counseling appointment today with Tara
Today we begin working on my Good girl/Bad girl perceptions

can't sleep I'll eat with the clown

I wasn't necessarily going for a nonsensical title...but I'm tired and it's Thursday and my body would rather stay here in my chair than get in the car and head to my OA meeting.

The last 2 meetings have been on holidays when we've been out of town, or just getting back into town so I haven't been since the first one.

I don't want to go
I'm sure it's JOAN
Hub told me to go
I'm gonna go
but I'd really just rather sit here

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see...even JOAN Has weird food issues!