*** JOAN speak
I'm gonna get crazy with the glue stick today (dang it now I'm singing Beck) and work on my goals collage. I want more pictures...I have a lot of words right now but I donated my magazines to the school so I'm at a loss. I really don't want to just image search online because I'd be controlling the images that I found rather than just grabbing what speaks to me... I'll figure it out
Anyway...Why I do the things I do...
The second part of my homework comes from this book. I only know that because I searched for an image to upload...my counselor just gave me a copy of the page I'm supposed to use so I'm not endorsing nor discouraging the reading of this book...nor have I perused any additional pages on line. I'm working REALLY hard on letting the experts be the experts in my recovery because 30 years with JOAN have shown me I don't know squat even though I know A LOT.
My homework comes from page 78 (you can use the arrows to flip through the pages in google books)
This is gonna make me THINK a whole lot more about why I eat
I know I eat when I have to talk
I know I eat as a way to show myself love
I know I eat because I'm not worthy I don't allow myself to be proud of my accomplishments.
Now mind you, just because I know these things, doesn't mean I stop myself...I'm smart enough to know I need a network of experts and support to help with that...and those smarts aren't going to make me eat right now.
So let's take an example
January 8, 2010(just now realizing it's probably going to be easier to work this sheet backwards which kinda sorta sucks coz that means it will be post-food and my jeans are already getting tight...and they're the size I bought to just be accepting of where I am while I work on this...)
Activators:
- I took a shift from 9:30 to 3pm thinking I'd be out by 12:30... never assume
- I worked somewhere I haven't been in a while and I'm fatter than I was before
- We had family meal scheduled at my mom's house, mom recently got engaged, sister would be there, brother would be there (yay)... on a positive note, my mom bought Gluten Free (she says Glutton...how cute) pasta so I could eat with the family
- My mini me has had a fever for 2 days
- I haven't gone grocery shopping
Beliefs:
- I tried to hide my weight gain in the outfit I chose to wear
- I'm thankful it's winter and chilly in Florida so I can wear layers and make it 'look good'
- I think I look horrible
- If I had more control I wouldn't have let myself get here
Consequences:
- I got very quiet
- I did a lot of 'rescuing' and became the protector "I just saved you"
- I got miffy about chores around the house
- I admitted my disorder and my journey to recovery to my brother (he's cool)
- I occupied myself with technical mumbo jumbo (a la new template)
- I ordered pizza for the fam
- I ate pizza
I coulda stopped at 2
but there was something about that happy mouth sensation
and yeah, even though I took 2 pills to help with the gluten issues before I ate the pizza... I just can't do that
It's a band aid and an enabler.
In session on Friday I said I need parallel steps, while I work on ridding myself of JOAN, I need action steps.
Weight watchers worked in the day because I had the action steps and the voices in my head were all about love and empowerment in my job (I had recently met the man who would be my hub and I was doing some great performance art stuff and was encouraged to the hilt by my Pastor/boss at the time)
Eventually, the steps stopped working because the underlying emotional reasons for my eating were never addressed in WW, I still binged, just on a 2lb bag of baby carrots instead of nutty bars. And now the voice is SO loud that I talk myself out of following the steps because I'm just going to fail anyway.
So parallel steps, we'll work on that next time. I've been packing WAY too little food for lunch, not allowing myself to pick from the candy dish at work (2 or 3 kisses a day slip in but I walk away from them 2 or 3 times a day too) and then wind up eating an entire 2nd plate at dinner time. Tara told me to pack more for lunch, or a good snack (see I KNOW these things) but JOAN says...and dared to say right in the middle of our session...'Suck it up, there's enough of your thighs you won't die if you don't pack more food'
Shut up JOAN
photo credit
3 comments:
So, here's my question about accepting body image... what if your body is not healthy? As in you have curves in the wrong places and more dimples than a PGA tournament? Is it healthy to accept that body image???
Well I think I have a distorted view of what I look like anyway, I KNOW I do because I always have, even when you thought I looked great.
I haven't gotten to the body image part yet...I just know my filter is skewed there.
I'll letcha know when I get there
But...I feel as though acceptance of who we are at all times in healthy. Why would we ever appreciate anything else if we can't accept what we currently have. Do you REALLY accept your current body image? Or do you bash it and compare it to a golf ball? ;)
Acceptance doesn't mean approval
"Acceptance doesn't mean approval."
Good point... that is what I was missing in my understanding.
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