Friday Night

So, since Bm is sleeping over at a friend's house and middleson is heading to the middle school dance, I did some research and decided I'm going to an OA meeting tonight, one that is actually meant for beginners so maybe I'll understand the process a bit more and not feel like in an AA meeting in cognito.

I had an urge to eat today when I got freaked out about finances.
I talked myself out of it and new there was no reason to freak out in the first place.
So I eat when my security is threatened.

Okay and honesty of all honesty
I started counting points again today
part of me feels GUILTY for doing that!
I know where that comes from
I started counting because of the Doctor's office Scale Shame of yesterday.
See, I have a follow up appointment next Friday so I can be LESS weight by then

Yes, true
this isn't necessarily a bad thing
but the motivating behavior isn't a good one!

So am I doing the expert's job by jumping into some sort of food plan?
or am I doing a healthy thing by focusing on what I'm putting into my mouth?
I feel guilty for eating healthy
how screwed up is that?!?!

Today in an email I typed the words "never thought I'd be a 12-Stepper..."
read into that what you will...like I think it's a bad thing, or defeat, or whatev.
Honestly, I'm not sure what I think of it yet
Am I really a 12 stepper? I HAVE bought the book
Tara says we're still "trying things on" to see what feels best
but heck, isn't that what I've done with the 3 pages full of diets I've tried throughout my life
Isn't it just time to put something on and be done with it?

Okay, enough of that
oddly enough I'm not talking myself out of tonight's meeting
I'm actually looking forward to it so that's gotta say something

photo credit