8/30/10

NEED TO LOSE...

These words greeted me as I walked into the office today
Bright Green letters seemingly pulsating on a stark White Board
NEED TO LOSE.... Start Date 8/29/10
Followed by names and numbers

My first reaction was
UGH
NEED to lose?
NEED?
UGH

So I've decided, I NEED to lose the perception that a number will make me happy, better, prettier, insert word of personal preference here ____________.

Then I marched right into my manager's office and said...
"I just gotta say it so it's out there and I can move on...I don't like that new white board and I find it insensitive to those of us around here ..." she knew where I was going and agreed.

So Instead...we're working on a personal goals wall personal, professional, educational whatever...
If your personal goal is to lose 20 lbs awesome...my personal goal is to get back into a  regular yoga practice
  • My first step on that journey is to ...do the yoga routine I DL'd to my iPod. I will do this on Thursday as I am off early and have the afternoon to Babs.
  • The second step will be to take a class at a local studio
  • The third step will be to evaluate whether or not I want a regular home practice or a monthly pass to a local studio
So let it be written...
So let it be done :)

SO MY QUESTION TO YOU TODAY (yes, I'm expecting answers)...
WHAT DO YOU "NEED" TO LOSE?

8/26/10

Yesterday

Yesterday, someone called and asked me for a ride
This doesn't seem like much but it's one of the girls on my cheer squad and she didn't call anyone else, she asked me for help...she knew I'd give it.

Yesterday, someone was persistent in picking my brain for ways to stretch specific muscles.
She knows I'm a trained yoga instructor and is struggling with some particular points she just can't reach.
It took me a moment to realize that she was ASKING for my expertise and when I did, and gave her my full attention, she got what she needed.

Yesterday, someone asked how to handle a particularly sticky situation
She knows that I have "a way with words" (as she put it) and wants to know how to use them too.
She recognized my gift and asked that I share it with her. I did.

Other people see in me the things that I am trying to be
I need to stop and see what they see.

8/18/10

Reframe the Mirror

Yesterday I complained about looking 'frumpy' in the mirror...even in my dreams...but not necessarily thinking it was a "bad" thing. Back when I was what society would call "thin" I looked at myself and still saw fat. Now, I'm what society might call "fat," but not necessarily unhappy with what I see in the mirror (most days).

Then a soul sista solicited words of wisdom because SHE was feeling confused about what she sees in the mirror too (must be something in the air).

Without even taking a breath to pause and think...I answered her back with this:

Who decides you look bad?
Of course you don't think you look bad when you look at yourself no! You are seeing the embodiment of the manifestation of your dreams! You are vibrationally in synch with (insert your name here), the (insert your accomplishment here). You have begun believing yourself in ways that make those around you quicken their pace to catch some of that mojo. OF COURSE YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE!

You are taking action

You are honoring your true self

You are pulling her to the surface

And when you see her, she is beautiful

When you see her as beautiful...well, you know the rest!
Well it was so profound I decided I needed to hear it too...
And I'm guessing someone out there might too!

Who decides you look bad?



Of course you don't think you look bad when you look at yourself no!
You are seeing the embodiment of the manifestation of your dreams!
You are vibrationally in synch with Babs, the sought after writer, teacher, and healer. You have begun believing yourself in ways that make those around you quicken their pace to catch some of that mojo.
OF COURSE YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE!


You are taking action
You are honoring your true self
You are pulling her to the surface

And when you see her, she is beautiful
When you see her as beautiful...well, you know the rest!

8/16/10

Remembering the Journey

I've spent part of my morning reading my blog. I started all the way back at my very first post.
It didn't take me long to realize the intention of this journey is more than just a smaller size.
Losing weight IS a component, but it is not the end all be all.

I asked my hub if he could come up with anything for me this week...just ways in which I have changed, if any, as a result of my journey. He listed a bunch right off the bat...most of them dealing with my strength. My willinginess to stand up for myself in different situations and how MY strength has inspired HIM to be stronger. He says I need to remember the positive effect I have on everyone around me. He also reminded me that it's okay to feel uncomfortable in my body and to want to change it. It's not ALL I want.
He's also glad that Joan isn't around as much, if at all, anymore. He got sorta tired of how much she controlled my every thought...ME TOO...she was overbearing to the NTH degree so I'm glad she's taken up residence outside of earshot.

In my cubicle at work I have the collage that I made.
It's filled with images and statements that reflect what I want(ed) to have or be doing.
Now when I look at it...I DO have or AM doing everything on that poster.
I AM making progress and I've even started collecting clippings for a new poster.

In January I wrote this
List of Changes...not necessarily 2010
  • Physical/Health - strong, healthy, realistic shape, managing my gluten intolerance without burden
  • Mental Emotional - Say No To JOAN!
  • Educational/Academic - finish Bachelors, pursue Masters
  • Relationships - honest, open, growing, working, improving, always grounded in love, intentionally pursuing friendships
  • Spiritual - deeper, closer, and more transparent
  • Professional - blogger, podcaster, teacher, speaker, traveler, healer
  • Home - painted, garden, simple, green, co-op
I'm definitely making progress on each point
"Realistic Shape" stands out to me under the first bullet point, not because I equate it with weight loss but because my vision of "realistic" has changed this past year.

A few weeks ago in group we had to visualize what life looks like as "happy."
Who is there, what does it look like, what are you doing, etc...
Then we had to turn and look in a full length mirror
I looked EXACTLY like I do now

At first I was frustrated by that
I saw myself as frumpy
but I had JUST seen myself doing great things with great people
having a great time
feeling ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL
doing things I NEVER thought imaginable in this body (which is really sorta silly)

So the body doesn't bar me from being happy
And Thinner isn't Better
It's okay to want to be a bit more comfortable

Not bad for a Monday
I need to start working on my next collage

Next step...reorient to my intention:
This time, I'm not going to be afraid to include some physical milestones
I think I was so afraid to include them before because to be on a "diet" is a bad thing.
To not be happy in my body is a "bad" thing.
To want to change my body is a "bad" thing.

No it's not...not necessarily
It can be...when it's all I think about or all that motivates me it's in danger of becoming a famous leading lady loved by campy drag queens everywhere.

Otherwise...it's just another aspect to my wholeness
my holistic journey to Babsness

8/15/10

Am I different?

I started this journey in March of 2009. This journey of acceptance and self discovery as it relates to why I choose food as my drug.
I began therapy in April of that year and have found a therapist I gel with and have been working with since December.
But am I different?

I don't hear Joan as much anymore
Although I did picture her singing the lyric of the Violent Femmes song...she misses me. The feeling is not reciprocated.

I'm not any thinner in fact I might be heavier.
Not by much.
In fact, I'm about the same weight I was when I met my husband. He reminded me that he fell in love with me.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I mean the physicality of this.
I believe this week I should focus on the WAYS in which I am better for having lived through this past year so that I can shrug off the 'heaviness' I feel in my skin.
This 'heaviness' could have me searching for Joan.

So
Why did I begin this journey in the first place
What was my intended outcome when I started
What is my intention now
Do I need to re-orient myself

I am not any thinner
Am I better in other ways?
Why does thinner have to equal better?
I don't necessarily BELIEVE that equation, but it is what my fingers typed and therefore should be pondered.

If losing SOME weight is part of my intention...why am I not losing any?

This past week in therapy we touched on my need to feel noticed
Not in a "look at me" sort of way but in an "i'm not invisible" sort of way
I wondered, in the past, if I eat in order to make myself larger so that you can't miss me
If that's the case, what is causing me to feel "invisible"

It's been a very long time since I've binged
For you regular readers...you'll notice the counter went away months ago
I'm not defined by my binges
I have had some drive through moments
Not 'drive through for 6' moments...which is an improvement (one way in which I am better)

I FEEL my body now
I feel the rolls in my stomach and the crease of my hips
These feelings are not comfortable
I'm not in search of physical vanity but I do not think comfort is a lofty goal
I wonder if somewhere inside me comfort is something I don't deserve
One of those "good things" that I'm not allowed to have

Okay...that's enough to wonder about today

8/10/10

Sing-A-Long

okay...you probably shouldn't sing-a-long because this isn't a very positive post
just an honest one
and I have Violent Femmes in my head...so if you know the tune, I apologize for the earworm

Today
I feel
Fat

Today
I feel
Really Fat

And cause I feel
Really
Really
Fat

Can't seem to get
My mind off'a that

Today
I feel
Fat

PTHHHH! (yes, I just envisioned Edith Ann in her big yellow rocking chair!)

8/5/10

Forgive me while I dump my trash here...I'm the one who picks it up anyway

Maybe here I can reduce, reuse, up-cycle, recycle or at least make something pretty out of it...
1000 statues from trash in Rome
Last night we got together for dinner with ma familia.
The lot consisted of me, hub, Bm, Big Bro, Older Sis, Younger Bro and Dad. My mom and dad have been divorced for going on 10 or so years now after 42 years of marriage...well almost 42, the divorce was final days before their 42nd wedding anniversary or something poetically tragic like that.

I've learned to live with this phenomenon...the divorce I mean.
I probably have a better relationship with each parent respectively now that I have individual relationships with each of them but something new is putting me into a funk.

My mom has begun the process of annulment.
She's been dating someone for a while...which is fine. She's an attractive intelligent woman and should be allowed to move on with her life.
She's seeking an annulment so she can remarry again within the church.
This is my father's church too. The Catholic church I mean.
(If you've been reading me for any length of time you'll no doubt infer that it is no longer my church)
This process, to the best of my understanding (which is admittedly somewhat trapped in the brain of a 5th grader desperately searching for a way out of parochial school) basically claims the marriage invalid. Like it never 'should have' happened.
The kids don't revert to being illegitimate or anything like that...but the union that never should have been in the first place is excused by the church because well...they shouldn't have allowed it in the first place (yes, that was me tripping over the tongue that got in the way of my cheek as I tried to say that).

So yes, this process will kill (if not literally then DEFINITELY figuratively) my father.
The one remaining grace he believes he holds onto is his faith so for the church to be the last proverbial nail in the coffin of what remains he has of a 'life story' (tragic sounding I know but this is his existence) will be the end of him. Hopefully, only the end of him as we know it and he will rise from the ashes like a phoenix. Time will tell...

But that's not what has me in a funk
Yes I know...we'll still be considered legitimate children
But if the union wasn't to be in the first place and this is a Declaration of Nullity (weird word) then really the history created doesn't exist either...

And really
Was it invalid to begin with?
I don't think so
I've seen the pictures
Can a story be made to claim otherwise
probably
Couldn't we all write a "I should've known better" story about EVERY decision we've ever made...even the ones we're happy with.

So this is bugging me
This could just be bugging me because it's tugging at my Catholic roots, which I have also been tugging at in EMDR.
It could be bugging me because I want mom to just suck it up...whatever that means
Who knows
but it's bugging me
so I write about it
so I don't eat it
There, now THAT's a beautifully recycled creation.

8/2/10