Kitchen Floor Cookies

No, this isn't a recipe although if you google that phrase it links to several recipes

This was the culmination of my afternoon

but this is a good story

We're entertaining the energy team tonight

I think there are 6 of us all together

We're making individual pizzas

I made my gluten free crust this afternoon

everyone is bringing toppings

should be fun...and help us get the creative energy flowing

I also bought gluten free chocolate chip cookie mix for dessert

blessed my time by cutting in the butter and egg and shaping them with love

as the first tray came out of the oven, the cookie rack slipped and 12 cookies hit the floor

I looked at the floor in disbelief

the two young'ns must've been scared because I had just finished being upset that #1son blew off the fact that his room needed to be clean for tonight (I don't ask for this a lot...God created closeable doors for a reason). Honestly, I don't feel as though the two issues were connected.

Interesting

As I cleaned the mess, middleone helped

and I quietly pondered how somewhere inside of me there was a piece that actually would've considered eating them, the pieces on the floor that is.

That somewhere inside was very foreign, not at all a desire, just something I recognized about myself.

I got over it and finished making the rest of the cookies

I ate two cookies

the rest are for guests after dinner tonight

yeah i ate em coz i was stressed and the warm gooeyness was good

but I didn't eat the ones off the floor

and I didn't lay into #1son

and he cleaned AND vacuumed his room in time

The brat ate the cheese

I shouldn't call her my brat

What she did was bratty

she was protecting me

that's what she does

and she at the cheese

all but one slice

thank goodness there were only 6 slices

My birthday wish?

Well originally my birthday wish was No cable for the summer

I knew that would get the big kibosh

So after several modifications I came up with

No TV on during dinner for one month

This didn't used to be an issue...we pretty much always ate at the table together

it's slipped away from us so I thought I'd try to ressurect it

So tonight

chili for dinner

#1son is at a friends house

hub pruned his feet working in the rain and doesn't want to get out of his chair

middle one does whatever hub does and blames it on the fact that #1son isn't here

I ate at the table anyway

Bm ate with me...but faced the TV

but she remembered, she said "I thought we were eating together"

little me...she ate the cheese

a slice in the middle of the bowl

a slice on top of the bowl

mix it in

not enough

2 more slices on top

mix it in

good

then one slice just to eat

there's one left

Then Me recognizes that there might not be anymore cheese left

and hub and middleone haven't fixed their food yet

So I'm rewinding and replaying the instance in my mind

Instead of thinking about what did happen and replaying that negative energy

I'm creating the solution and replaying the positive energy

I recognize that what I want is for everyone to have dinner together at the table

My family is not made up of mind readers, my sulking and hinting won't speak my words

"Dinner's ready, everyone wash your hands and fix your bowl. I'll get drinks for everyone, what would you like" I'd put the drinks on the table and make it inviting.

I also need to remember that No TV during dinner was my birthday wish

I put it out there

what they decide to do with it is up to them

How can they know what's in your mind if you don't tell em...

A few weeks ago I sent my hub an email

I explained to him that on my birthday (and Mother's day and days like that)

I need to hear "Happy ___ Day"

even if we celebrated the day before

even if he already gave me my present

the "day" matters

If you've been reading my blogs for any period of time (yes I know some of you livejournal lurkers are still there) you know I have some rather unpleasant feelings surrounding my first Mother's day

and somewhere inside I'm forever trying to erase that

well...that few weeks ago, when I was brave enough to type and then send the hub email

I erased it

I explained how I felt

and how I couldn't explain why

but it was a feeling

This morning...I woke up to "happy birthday :)"

The kids made me breakfast

#1son made scrambled eggs...his specialty

Bm made my juice...she had asked the other day what my fave kind of juice was, and I didn't even pick up on it and the good son toasted a slice of gluten free bread

Hub made the coffee and they all made me home made cards

They were gonna take me out for lunch

Bm even gave up a trip to fun spot so they could meet me

(that one didn't work out coz of my work schedule)

Then we did hibachi for dinner

it was great to enjoy a dinner with the fam that ALL of us could eat

AND our chef was fun

Irony in that they planned a "food centered" birthday

Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner

but it was okay

They gave me MY food

and loved me MY way

all day on MY day :)

Happy Birthday and all that other stuff

I must stay away from cake frosting

It really doesn't matter much that Betty Crocker is offering new gluten free cake mixes and most of their frostings were already gluten free...

just looking at the cake frosting selections at the grocery store gave me a sugar woosie and images of me eating frosting by the spoonful and hiding it in the back of the fridge

I didn't buy it

I really don't even want it

but after yesterday morning's incident on auto pilot

i'm afraid there'd be a day when mini me wouldn't listen

wouldn't have a reason to be scared of getting caught

and would lick the frosting off the spoon and even pair it with some peanut butter

then do it again because the mix wasn't quite right

it has to be just the right amount of peanut butter and vanilla icing on the spoon and just the right proportion of each has to hit the roof of my mouth simultaneously otherwise i must do it all over again

until it's right

but then it's gone

or gone enough that its obvious

then what?

it was easy when the only one i was hiding from was my 2 year old

but i don't have to hide this time

because i didn't buy it

that "auto pilot" feeling is scary

it's totally being "taken over" like I'm out of my body but still in it because I know it's me doing it

But i didn't do it

I just kept walking and said "No"

little one said how about a candy bar from the check out

but I didn't do that either

I'm not doing it

you can't hide with food

you'll need to talk to me sooner or later

We'll get through this together

I'm not buying you fries at work

I'm not stopping anywhere on the way home

I'm not even eating dry Rice Chex while watching TV because I wasn't hungry, and omg really? plain rice chex

We're gonna get through this

We'll learn new ways

We'll do it together

I'm here

and I'm listening

and no matter what you say

I still love you

I love that you're brave enough to trust me

I love that you talk to me

You can trust me

I won't judge you

I won't blame you

I won't hate you

I know new ways, I know different ways

I can teach you

my kids think I'm a good teacher so I can help you too

I'm fun and understanding

I listen when people talk so you can talk to me

I don't believe I can change anyone's feelings, but I can listen while you feel them

I can help you come up with new ways to work through them

and even if we eat again

we'll learn from it together

and we'll keep going

the things dreams are made of

I heard my mother in my dream last night

if you've ever heard my mother's voice, you know there is no mistaking it

it was clear as a bell, she was calling my name and would not stop until I gave her my attention

I don't know whether I did or not

I do remember waking up unnerved at 2:33am

This morning when I awoke for good (hub got up to leave for work at 7)

i cleaned off the kitchen counter

rid the weigh station of recycleables

opened the fridge

and pulled out the lone piece of cookie cake left from the GS party on Monday

took a bite

walked into the living room for something

saw my hub walking back to the house

swallowed fast

threw the rest in the garbage

took a large swig of water and wiped my face

he left again

an part of me actually contemplated retrieving the other half of the cookie!

REALLY?!?!

I stopped myself as I walked into the mud room and said

"No, you're not doing that"

OMG Really?

here or there...it's all the same today

this is what I would've said here...

but said it elsewhere instead

besides, it's a good blog so read on

A Case of Stolen Identity

Last month I blogged about a binge that really put me over the edge emotionally...probably because I was already in the middle of unearthing some emotions in counseling and at home so it was a poignant binge...I was also totally honest about it, on my blog, to my husband, to my bff and to myself...which is rare, shit, it NEVER happened before.I wanted to remember that day, I wanted to remember that feeling, I had to stop myself from letting anything like that happen again because not only was it emotional sabotage, it was physical too...(gluten)

This is my funky little wallet that matches my funky lunchbox purse inside the ID window is the receipt from my binge

chs burger

6 cheesy tots

kids coke

kids toy

fish sandwich

large fries

large coke

and there was a sundae shake in there too but it's under the fold

This receipt looks at me every time I pull out my wallet

my actual ID is tucked BEHIND the receipt

So I have to look at it

It has become my ID

The other night we ordered chinese

I didn't eat my fortune cookie (gluten) but I did read (and subsequently keep) my fortune

"Success begins with self acceptance"

It now lives in front of my receipt in my ID window

It has become my ID

I accept that my binging is/was part of who I am

but I am not JUST a binge

In fact...I haven't binged in nearly a month (May 15th was the self deprecating last binge)

I honestly can't tell you if that's a record or not because I've never tracked my binges

But...although I don't want to forget that binge, how it made me feel, how I sought out the food like an addict, how I was fiending for a Burger King and willing to drive miles out of my way for one, how I stopped to discard the evidence before I got home...

OR how I fessed up to it right away to the most important people in my life

That reciept doesn't signify a failure, oddly enough, it was a success, a turning point if you will

I looked closely at that reciept today and chuckled about the kids toy

I still have it in my car

It's a cheesy replica of the star ship enterprise that says "Red Alert" when you push down on the tail of the spacecraft.

Red Alert...heh that's funny... it should be my Binge Warning Alarm

What's funnier...it doesn't really sound like "Red Alert" it sounds like "Crud Alert"

which, in all honestly, could also be my Binge Warning Alarm

So these reminders of a very very very low day...followed by a couple of days of physical pain and discomfort, are actually anchors to a very very positive trend

The truth will set me free

Success starts with self acceptance

That was my fortune in my fortune cookie last night
I didn't eat it (not because i'm depriving myself of cookies) because it probably contained gluten so my hub did the honors for me :)

I'm really loving this new sensation going on inside of me
I'm getting my selves in alignment so they can both (all) want the same thing and move closer to attaining it

Today I envisioned my dream self ...I can only see her full body from behind right now although I can see her face, neck and shoulders otherwise...anyway I "stepped into her" to try her on...immediately I sat up taller and could feel that I am a yogini again and felt like I had an internal groove...was jammin to something on the radio or some similar activity.

Then...I had to see if there was anything inside me that didn't feel comfortable in this new me and find it in my torso (because emotions hide in the torso...so if you find the discomfort in your toe, you're disconnecting!) So there it was, right at the base of my sternum (dang heart chakra)
I couldn't put a name to it just then but that's okay
whatever it is ...it's the piece that's not in alignment with the rest of me...the thing keeping me from moving forward 5 years.

Next, I physically removed it, I reached right in and pulled it out, held it in front of me and looked at it. I thanked it for sharing it's feelings with me.
I cant really describe what it looked like...I just got the feeling it was fuzzy, almost like a very small puppy or kitten.

After thanking it, I asked what gift it's trying to share with me? (remember, every behavior has a positive intention, a gift to yourself) and the first thing that came to my mind was protection

I tried not to dig too deeply...I see my rad counselor tomorrow and she helps me dig deeper, I just dig up :) But I did prod a bit more...protection from? failure
If you never try, you can't be hurt when you fail
ouch...little fuzzy at the bottom of my sternum isn't very fuzzy anymore

so this will be a good session
we have:
tug of war and fuzzy

I still love the tug of war metaphor because it gives me a reason, a name to my pain and fatigue...and several months ago in one of my blogs I mentioned the worst part was not knowing...I know now (and knowing is half the battle...sorry, couldn't resist)

fuzzy is okay too...there's something there coz it's like a kick to the chest but I'm just gonna hold it and love it and keep it close and together we can find new ways of protecting myself

OH YEAH
weeks ago I was supposed to come up with some artistic representation of my 7 year old self and my 11ish year old self

well my 7 year old self is a packet of sunflower seeds...not the whole packet, but because the picture of this particular type of sunflower is absolutely what I think of when I think of 7 year old me

so tomorrow I'll have some time before work and my appointment and there just happens to be a Lowes in between...I'll go peruse the seed racks for my 11 year old

:)

new look

 I love my new template

but I can't figure out how to work out some of the quirks

namely the "undefined" boxes on the left side of each of my post titles

but...

it screams me

it's bohemianesque

it's natural

it's free

it's 5 years from now me

see...if i manifest her now she may be closer than 5 years away

so what does your "five years from now" you look like?

One Month of Healthy Living

My one month of healthy living includes...

*going more raw. I'll juice every morning and add at least one other raw meal or snack each day

*I'll try out one new raw food recipe each week

*I'll work in the garden(s) every day, usually after work when the sun is still out but it's not too hot

*I'll relocate and renovate the compost bin

*I'll do something each of my KIDS wants to do one day each week instead of something I want to do with my kids

*and one week this month, every night of the week 

no wonder i'm so tired

I believe I've caused my own pain and fatigue.

My body has been in a struggle with itself for so long

My vessel finally decided to just sit down and wait it out

My body got tired of listening to my selves disagree and argue with one another

sabotage one another, ignore one another

My body is tired of struggling with itself

My body is achy from fighting with itself

My body is tired

so it's just gonna sit and wait for the tug of war to stop

you know...if you want something to disappear, you have to pay attention to it

i want my inner critic to disappear

i wish it would just shut up

i wish i could just smother that voice

and i've tried...under food

what i've learned is that i need to pay attention to that little voice

she's not trying to be a critic

she's trying to tell me something

when she acts out, there's a reason

and not just any old reason...but a positive, good, self-caring reason

so i've been spending time trying to shut her up

and she's been spending time trying to get me to listen

my GOD no wonder i'm so TIRED

ins(omnia)pired visions

I saw her

during my futile attempt to fall asleep i decided to look for her

the topic of my IOWL podcast yesterday was coming up with a design

and using positive language

instead of saying...these are the things I don't want...gotta say what I DO want

the example given was one of building a house...you can't tell the builder "well, I don't want this, this or this" and expect him to build the house you want

same for my body

I gotta decide what I want

in my wildest dreams what body do i want

an interesting suggestion was to look forward 5 years and see what you want to be

it can't be "what I was in high school" or what I looked like when I was thin (which is a different mind set for me since I st, ill have "skinny" pics laying around that I look at all the time)  coz i don't wanna be who I was...I wanna be who I'm supposed to be

oddly enough, my funky yoga "toward" shirt still fits because i've never worn it, but i can 'see' my future self in it

okay so anyway...the visualization

it was actually really hard...i was so very "tired" when i got home from work but i couldn't fall asleep (a common thing for me) and after about 45 minutes of not falling, i inserted the earplugs, put on the eyemask and gave myself an intention i wanted to see her what do i look like 5 years from now

it was difficult to start

i have this awesome jade buddha ring that i know will still be with me then so i started with my hands and saw my rings on my fingers, my nails were short and my hands were "healthy," worn but not old looking, i had 2 chakra bead bracelets on (i miss those...time to reinvest) a pink one and a green one (gee...i do have heart chakra issues) anyway...

my skin was tanned lightly just from being out in the garden or on the porch with a healthy glow to it and my upper arms and shoulders were strong...not bulky, but definitely toned

i could see my sleeping buddha tattoo on my shoulder "popping" because it's a "spherical" tattoo and the structure of my shoulder added to that

my hair is long, all long, one length except for a little bit of bang...i couldn't really tell whether it was highlighted (chemically or naturally) but it was definitely healthy and flowy and a bit unruly and maybe had a dread or 4 in it

my eyebrow piercing was back in and i was actually able to see my face ( I usually can't do that when I dream or visualize myself) so it meant something to really be able to SEE me not just some image of what i wanted to be

it took a while to figure out what I wanted to wear

when i was driving home and listening to the pod cast, i thought "okay, the new me may be a bit kitchy, a pin-up YEAH, vintage hair, fair skin, classic make-up and funky little outfits that show off my tats (or not, as i choose) 

but when i started letting myself wander in my 'wanting to sleep' state, i couldn't bring my rosie the riveter image to life and crunchy mama kept floating to the top so i went with it

I was wearing a rust and cream patterened bohemian tank top with a v hem that my waist peek-a-booed from and khaki cargo capris (the bottoms were hard...I had to clear the "can't wear those" thoughts outta my brain but HEY I wasn't sleeping so I had time)

i think i fell asleep while I was trying to figure out what shoes to wear

actually, think at that time i wondered if my "i'm a skater's wife" persona piped in and said hey what about your long tees, skinny jeans and skate shoes so my new self wandered into vans and started shopping...turns out crunchy skater chic works for me

helicopter

i took a personal day today

i made up some cockamamey reason why i needed the day off

instead of just saying, i'm taking a personal day

ugh

i wii'd this morning for 26 minutes of aerobic activity

just felt good to sweat, not necessarily exercise

i don't even really have a name for why i don't feel like going to work today

i just don't

i'm getting bills sorted out today

honestly, that sucks because we are so effin broke

but it's cool too because there are always loaves and fishes in the end

but somewhere i'm always apprehensive about it

hrmm...could say i feel helpless

i find myself longing to be the ultimate crunchy mom lately

my hair is in that "it's just gonna have to grow through" it stage (I've flipped my part...that bought me some time) and i just wanna wear a bandana or pull it back all flighty and curly

i'm drawn to brightly colored summer sundresses where my tattoos in all their glory can shine too, my hands are drawn to the dirt and the feel of each different type of leaf in the garden

i actually felt so fulfilled, inspired and full of love while grocery shopping the other day...almost radiating from the joy of knowing i was nourishing my family

i'd love to just be home with the kids and share in their discoveries

i want to finish painting the house without having to do it within a schedule

i want to create art

i want to babysit (coz we aren't having any more babies) and smell a little one's scalp and baby's breath...speaking of baby's breath, my soap comes in "plantable" wrappers that are laced with baby's breath seeds...anyone know the right growing conditions?

i want to read

i want to socialize

i want to bikeride and walk and feel the sun kiss my skin

i want to grow and prepare our own food

i want to commune

i want to truly know that the best things in life aren't things

ahh...that's why i'm feeling this way...bill day (which is a few days late) reminds me there are things that need tending to

sigh

i want long unruly curly hair with streaks of grey and the radiance of me

i want soft, experienced skin and lines around my eyes and in my hands and a well worn nail brush near the bathroom sink

i want appreciation for each and every inch of my beautiful body, for it is beautiful

the curve of my shape is attractive even to myself

i want deeper appreciation for the way and the reasons i was made

i want callouses on my fingers from the strings of my music

i want a week without technology

i want a life without technology

i know...be careful what you wish for

my mom visited yesterday as she went with us to the kids' graduation from elementary school

it was interesting in a shirley maclaine kind of way as i watched myself interact with her

i became quite a good hostess and giggly conversationalist and provider and Vannah as I showed off the newest changes to the house and the future plans we have

I made good coffee and was the good daughter whose children were the only receipients of straight 'a' honors for the whole year in their class

crunchy mom was proud of herself again

it's all those healthy snacks and well rounded lunches

all that encouragement to read and question

that allowed the only two from the class to hail from her hearth

and she teared as she smiled and beamed with pride

for whom...for herself or her children or both

or was it "in your face" to the blood mom of one of my own

who knows

only my fingers for I do not even look at the page as i type

i'm listening to and watching the story of King David on natgeo while a pile of envelopes and checkbook registers peers at me from the corner of my peripheral vision

time to move on now

coffee is not hot and is not cold...just in that middle yech bitter luke warm stage

something is calling me but i do not know or do not want to follow whatever it is, not now

today i just want a personal day

but what personally do i want?

sad when i take time to be with myself and can think of nothing my self wants to do 

i imagine this will be the longest post ever as all i can motivate to move are my fingers...we've moved from David to Herod looks like a lineage of the Christ kind of day on natgeo

the sun peeks through the banners in the kitchen

and oh yes! I hung the towards motivation in the closet

it was striking how quickly it affected me when i saw it this morning

let your fingers do the talking

so i haven't really sat down with any intention this morning

just realized i haven't posted in a while and figured I'd see if there was anything to say

i did have a chocolate fix yesterday

a caramel, 3 lindor truffles and dove blueberry almond bark

not quite sure what my trigger was

but it was definitely mechancial coz i don't remember anything tasting good except for maybe the feeling of the first truffle

i laughed a lot on Sunday

did a lot of things i wouldn't normally do...like walked through a haunted house and rode rickety thrill rides at a local mini-amusement-destination

i found myself charged and happy most of the day

except for the time when my mama bear came out coz my lil one was judged for being afraid

she stood her ground, got her heart hurt (i'm sure), but we talked about it and 4/5 of the family understands...which makes for pretty good odds

but you know...it seems as though it only took a couple of minor incidents for me to have issues so i'm careful to be sure she feels as though she is able to let go of, or rephrase, or revisit situations once she is not emotionally charged because of them. 

We did some "practice saying this" kind of stuff later that night when I checked in with her

practice makes perfect...and once she needs it it will pop out on it's own

sorta like meditating on the word

so maybe that's why the chocolate fix?

maybe i should just check the calendar and see if i'm ovulating

all i do know is i am exactly 20 lbs heavier than i was last yer

my fat jeans don't fit

i'm very uncomfortable in my own skin

but...oddly enough i've been feeling quite pretty (with emphasis on the face) lately

i like my eyes, i like my hair, i like my smile, i like my eyebrows...yes weird i know but i do

i'm listening to a podcast called Inside-Out weightloss for the past couple of days. i just stumbled across it on-line and i like listening to stuff while i'm driving to work and since i've been watching joyce meyer each morning...the podcasts can sometimes be redundant so i'm taking a break from those...so anyway i'm listening to this new podcast and find myself pretty amazed at how much i relate...even down to the "cutting myself off" from prozac...yes i recently just stopped taking it coz i didn't wanna take it in the first place and i realized it was just masking my pain not helping anything so what's the point when what i want is to be healed 

so anyway...pretty good stuff so far

i'm working on my away from and toward motivators

away from...well i wanna be away from my fat jeans

away from my thighs rubbing together (yes, that is back)

away from the crease in the back of my knees

away from my double chin when i smile the wrong way

towards... well that's a little harder

i know i wanna be toward this awesome one of a kind shirt that i have with a cool yoga chick on it that reminds me of me

i wanna be towards all my size 8 and one pair of size 6 jeans that i still have rolled up in my dresser (they're the only things i haven't gotten rid of from my ww weightloss)

towards healthier doesn't really do it for me...although the physical energy exerted this past Sunday felt great...we played laser tag in a bounce house and although it was definitely tough, it was FUN

towards pain free is good

towards exhaustion free is good

towards the kinds of clothes i WANT to wear to work is good

so...for now that's what i'm moving toward

it's not enough to have an away from

because being away from my fat jeans is only about 5lbs which is no where NEAR enough to my funky yoga shirt

so even though the away from motivators light a fire under my ass

they don't fuel the flames

although i'm wondering how much igniter i will need to actually get motivated because  i started this blog with the intention

and until the intention set it i was gonna fake it til i make it

so 

i love my thighs

i love my thighs

i love my thighs

i love my thighs

i love my thighs