A Case of Stolen Identity

Last month I blogged about a binge that really put me over the edge emotionally...probably because I was already in the middle of unearthing some emotions in counseling and at home so it was a poignant binge...I was also totally honest about it, on my blog, to my husband, to my bff and to myself...which is rare, shit, it NEVER happened before.I wanted to remember that day, I wanted to remember that feeling, I had to stop myself from letting anything like that happen again because not only was it emotional sabotage, it was physical too...(gluten)

This is my funky little wallet that matches my funky lunchbox purse inside the ID window is the receipt from my binge

chs burger

6 cheesy tots

kids coke

kids toy

fish sandwich

large fries

large coke

and there was a sundae shake in there too but it's under the fold

This receipt looks at me every time I pull out my wallet

my actual ID is tucked BEHIND the receipt

So I have to look at it

It has become my ID

The other night we ordered chinese

I didn't eat my fortune cookie (gluten) but I did read (and subsequently keep) my fortune

"Success begins with self acceptance"

It now lives in front of my receipt in my ID window

It has become my ID

I accept that my binging is/was part of who I am

but I am not JUST a binge

In fact...I haven't binged in nearly a month (May 15th was the self deprecating last binge)

I honestly can't tell you if that's a record or not because I've never tracked my binges

But...although I don't want to forget that binge, how it made me feel, how I sought out the food like an addict, how I was fiending for a Burger King and willing to drive miles out of my way for one, how I stopped to discard the evidence before I got home...

OR how I fessed up to it right away to the most important people in my life

That reciept doesn't signify a failure, oddly enough, it was a success, a turning point if you will

I looked closely at that reciept today and chuckled about the kids toy

I still have it in my car

It's a cheesy replica of the star ship enterprise that says "Red Alert" when you push down on the tail of the spacecraft.

Red Alert...heh that's funny... it should be my Binge Warning Alarm

What's funnier...it doesn't really sound like "Red Alert" it sounds like "Crud Alert"

which, in all honestly, could also be my Binge Warning Alarm

So these reminders of a very very very low day...followed by a couple of days of physical pain and discomfort, are actually anchors to a very very positive trend

The truth will set me free