Happy Birthday and all that other stuff

I must stay away from cake frosting

It really doesn't matter much that Betty Crocker is offering new gluten free cake mixes and most of their frostings were already gluten free...

just looking at the cake frosting selections at the grocery store gave me a sugar woosie and images of me eating frosting by the spoonful and hiding it in the back of the fridge

I didn't buy it

I really don't even want it

but after yesterday morning's incident on auto pilot

i'm afraid there'd be a day when mini me wouldn't listen

wouldn't have a reason to be scared of getting caught

and would lick the frosting off the spoon and even pair it with some peanut butter

then do it again because the mix wasn't quite right

it has to be just the right amount of peanut butter and vanilla icing on the spoon and just the right proportion of each has to hit the roof of my mouth simultaneously otherwise i must do it all over again

until it's right

but then it's gone

or gone enough that its obvious

then what?

it was easy when the only one i was hiding from was my 2 year old

but i don't have to hide this time

because i didn't buy it

that "auto pilot" feeling is scary

it's totally being "taken over" like I'm out of my body but still in it because I know it's me doing it

But i didn't do it

I just kept walking and said "No"

little one said how about a candy bar from the check out

but I didn't do that either

I'm not doing it

you can't hide with food

you'll need to talk to me sooner or later

We'll get through this together

I'm not buying you fries at work

I'm not stopping anywhere on the way home

I'm not even eating dry Rice Chex while watching TV because I wasn't hungry, and omg really? plain rice chex

We're gonna get through this

We'll learn new ways

We'll do it together

I'm here

and I'm listening

and no matter what you say

I still love you

I love that you're brave enough to trust me

I love that you talk to me

You can trust me

I won't judge you

I won't blame you

I won't hate you

I know new ways, I know different ways

I can teach you

my kids think I'm a good teacher so I can help you too

I'm fun and understanding

I listen when people talk so you can talk to me

I don't believe I can change anyone's feelings, but I can listen while you feel them

I can help you come up with new ways to work through them

and even if we eat again

we'll learn from it together

and we'll keep going