let your fingers do the talking

so i haven't really sat down with any intention this morning

just realized i haven't posted in a while and figured I'd see if there was anything to say

i did have a chocolate fix yesterday

a caramel, 3 lindor truffles and dove blueberry almond bark

not quite sure what my trigger was

but it was definitely mechancial coz i don't remember anything tasting good except for maybe the feeling of the first truffle

i laughed a lot on Sunday

did a lot of things i wouldn't normally do...like walked through a haunted house and rode rickety thrill rides at a local mini-amusement-destination

i found myself charged and happy most of the day

except for the time when my mama bear came out coz my lil one was judged for being afraid

she stood her ground, got her heart hurt (i'm sure), but we talked about it and 4/5 of the family understands...which makes for pretty good odds

but you know...it seems as though it only took a couple of minor incidents for me to have issues so i'm careful to be sure she feels as though she is able to let go of, or rephrase, or revisit situations once she is not emotionally charged because of them. 

We did some "practice saying this" kind of stuff later that night when I checked in with her

practice makes perfect...and once she needs it it will pop out on it's own

sorta like meditating on the word

so maybe that's why the chocolate fix?

maybe i should just check the calendar and see if i'm ovulating

all i do know is i am exactly 20 lbs heavier than i was last yer

my fat jeans don't fit

i'm very uncomfortable in my own skin

but...oddly enough i've been feeling quite pretty (with emphasis on the face) lately

i like my eyes, i like my hair, i like my smile, i like my eyebrows...yes weird i know but i do

i'm listening to a podcast called Inside-Out weightloss for the past couple of days. i just stumbled across it on-line and i like listening to stuff while i'm driving to work and since i've been watching joyce meyer each morning...the podcasts can sometimes be redundant so i'm taking a break from those...so anyway i'm listening to this new podcast and find myself pretty amazed at how much i relate...even down to the "cutting myself off" from prozac...yes i recently just stopped taking it coz i didn't wanna take it in the first place and i realized it was just masking my pain not helping anything so what's the point when what i want is to be healed 

so anyway...pretty good stuff so far

i'm working on my away from and toward motivators

away from...well i wanna be away from my fat jeans

away from my thighs rubbing together (yes, that is back)

away from the crease in the back of my knees

away from my double chin when i smile the wrong way

towards... well that's a little harder

i know i wanna be toward this awesome one of a kind shirt that i have with a cool yoga chick on it that reminds me of me

i wanna be towards all my size 8 and one pair of size 6 jeans that i still have rolled up in my dresser (they're the only things i haven't gotten rid of from my ww weightloss)

towards healthier doesn't really do it for me...although the physical energy exerted this past Sunday felt great...we played laser tag in a bounce house and although it was definitely tough, it was FUN

towards pain free is good

towards exhaustion free is good

towards the kinds of clothes i WANT to wear to work is good

so...for now that's what i'm moving toward

it's not enough to have an away from

because being away from my fat jeans is only about 5lbs which is no where NEAR enough to my funky yoga shirt

so even though the away from motivators light a fire under my ass

they don't fuel the flames

although i'm wondering how much igniter i will need to actually get motivated because  i started this blog with the intention

and until the intention set it i was gonna fake it til i make it

so 

i love my thighs

i love my thighs

i love my thighs

i love my thighs

i love my thighs