12/22/09

SLOSHED

It would be so much easier if I was an alcoholic...or even a drug user
for some reason it seems more acceptable to me to say I hit the bar tonight during happy hour and had 4 long island iced teas in an hour and a half

Or that I went to a killer party this weekend and shared a knot

but I don't do that
what I do is the same
it's as destructive
and completely over the top
but it's food
and for some reason that makes me feel like the dreggs of society
the worst of the worst
i mean it's food...just stop
how can you be SO gross

Drugs and alcohol are so socially acceptable
but eating is not...just ask Kirstie Allie
she's on the cover of one of those grocery store tabloids looking bigger than ever
I saw her when I purchased my chocoloate chip yo yo cookie sandwich
don't know what that is
it's 2 chocolate chip cookies dipped like a brown and white cookie, with disgustingly sweet cream filling between them like a sandwich

I ate the whole thing
AFTER I ate a #6 meal from taco bell

WHY
WHY
WHY?!?!?
JOAN's revenge?
because I have a meeting tonight at work that has turned into a potluck full of things I can't eat (pshaw right...did you read what I just ate...trust me it wuddn't gluten free)
because of the shit with my dad's truck
because I got "caught being good" at work
because because because?

I was sooo afraid when i thought about blogging this...more people, closer people, even my hub read my blog now
but i'm typing anyway..JOAN is sitting on my desk swinging her leg, inspecting her nails waiting for me to 'stop this foolishness'

I had no voice
my brain wanted to call someone and say "PLEASE HELP I"M ABOUT TO EAT"
but I couldn't
my fingers wouldn't let me
and my mind wouldn't stop me from going through the checkout
and eating, rather than just throwing it all away even though I already bought it

I feel so gross
I feel dizzy
I can't concentrate
it's like a bad buzz or morning after hangover
and I don't like it

I'm afraid of the comments
but more afraid of staying like this forever
so I'm blogging
eventually I'll find my voice
and someday, I won't get sloshed anymore

I love myself...and someday soon I'll know how to show myself that love
it starts by hitting "publish post"

photo credit

No comments: