The hub and I ran some errands today...the last of which being the bookstore so I could pick up a DVD I need for class tomorrow night. Turns out my fave bookstore is getting out of the DVD business so all titles were 50% off ...BONUS!
As we were ringing out, the cashier asked if I would like to donate a book to a gift for reading...I casually answered "not today" thinking we gotta make the cash last this week. The hub says...you should donate a book...yeah...DUH especially since I got the movie 50% off! So we picked a book our kids would like and donated it.
As we were walking out he said "we gotta remember to keep giving no matter how bad it gets...never know when we might be giving our last dollar to Jesus." Man that was pretty darn cool...and I thought it was cool that it resonated so well with my earlier post
Anyway...
I like her. The one I thought was "too young" for me.
She's got a great disposition, great speaking voice, understands all aspects of my spiritual philosophy and doesn't seek to change any of them. She doesn't find it strange that I know so much about my condition, and the causes, and motivators...yet still can't figure out how to fix it on my own. She's got a great plan of deep inner work that I'm really looking forward to...and I felt safe...I think I felt safe before I even got there. I felt safe the first day I started this blog.
The little spark of the Divine that lives within me has been welling all of this up to a place where I can see it because it is time...I know I'm not alone, I have my hub and my blog friends and my God. Safe doesn't mean easy...Safe means go ahead, take the risk...no one will laugh, no one will judge, no one will say you're stupid or "that's silly" (ooh...that's something new (old) I haven't thought of in a while)
So we're on a 3 to 6 month journey
we're going to focus on my feelings of inadequacy and my feelings of fear...since they seem to be quite prevalent in each of my "rooms." I had a holistic repatterning done a few years ago and the phrase that "broke" for me was "Mom, I feel helpless" ...something I've been harboring since I was about 3 years old. But the therapist said it didn't matter what I felt helpless about, just that I could admit the feeling.
CeCe has been praying for me reglularly and said I'm carrying a fear from way way back (perhaps even past life). She said it's not important to know where the fear is coming from or what is causing the fear...just to send it back to it's source
But...I dunno I think maybe these things ARE important
I've become so strong in the face of adversity
I can speak now when I'm angry, or hurt, or sad...instead of eating (it's the proud, excited, happy times I struggle with) I can live in the face of fears that would crumble me a few short years ago...so if there's a helplessness and a fear still blocking me somewhere, I DO want to know what, where and why so I can move on again.
Each time I've grown it has come out of a place where I felt safe to explore
I feel safe again
I'm ready for new growth
My homework this week:
to log the dialogue the "voice" has with me when I binge
the one that makes me continue to eat even when I know better AND SAY better intellectually
the one that says "yeah but..."
1 comment:
hmmmm......maybe get a past life regression session with joyce to find the root of that past life fear. i'm like you: i need to know. i haven't talked to her in a few years, don't even know if she's still in town but i have a phone number i can give you offlist.
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