I think when I wrote it...I was bashing the idea...well JOAN was at least, but now as I think about it...that's what is supposed to happen in a process group. Another member responded to something that I said and it SMACKED my trigger HARD!
We each created our own Self-Esteem pie chart. The exercise does not measure whether you have high or low self esteem. Instead, the focus is on 'what' is important to you when you evaluate your own self-worth. You had to rate all the things in your life that you are using right now to evaluate yourself as a person. Identify the different domains of your self-esteem and then draw a wedge into the pie to represent each domain. The size of the wedge represents the importance of that domain...
Some of the suggested wedges were
- personality
- appearance
- volunteer work
- creativity
- relationships
- athletic ability
- artistic ability
- spirituality
- morals/attitudes/values (honestly, openness, speaking up, helping others, not being taken advantage of)
- weight
- shape
- performance at work/school
- talents
- hobbies
- role as a mother/sister/partner, mentor
- competence/knowledge in certain areas
- achievements.
SLICE and half the pie as gone, performance at work/school and competence/knowledge in certain areas ate up 1/2 the pie in one gulp. The remaining half was cut into 4 pieces: one for Morals/attitudes/values, one for role as mom/partner/mentor, one for appearance (weight/athletic ability/shape), and one was split into 6 tinier pieces...spirituality, relationships, hobbies, talent, artistic ability, and creativity...
When it was my turn to share, although we didn't have to...
I found myself truly sad that the things I THINK I find so important,
the qualities that I encourage OTHERS to consider when they define themselves...
are so very very tiny on my pie chart
Of the remaining slices...even those needed explanation...you see they APPEARED good, but they were laced with JOAN.
It's not a bad thing that I treasure my role as a mom or spouse or mentor...
but my self esteem hangs on being a perfect mom, spouse or mentor.
Morals and values are at the heart of my personal code of conduct (which surprisingly is very unJOAN)
but my self esteem hangs on having impeccable morals and values
Weight/Appearance...well we all get that one that's why I type here and you read this stuff right...?
Okay so that was a tough enough pill to swallow I mean really...my spirituality takes up a smidge of my self esteem pie? What about my creativity and talents?
But then...my own drawing took my breath away because 'achievements' was very intentionally placed OUTSIDE the circle
I don't remember writing it there...but JOAN does
I do not count my achievements
I pack them away in a Rubbermaid bin and store them in the storage closet...
they do not count
Yes, that was a lip quiver moment
THAT was when my voice got shaky and a fellow group member screamed what Babs has been wanting to say all along...WHY?!?! Why wouldn't you be proud of that? Why...oh MY you should be so proud of yourself
and I shrunk
and cowered
and sunk into the poofy chair I was in
hiding further under the blanket I had thrown over my lap
I couldn't breathe...and I couldn't stop my eyes from leaking...and I couldn't tell her why
Yes, I do...because when I am proud of myself...I eat and eat and EAT and EAT AND EAT until there is nothing to be proud of...until I have SO much to feel bad about I never want to be proud of myself again...
But not any more...
I feel the little prideJOANdemons trying to talk me out of my 5k
I have to sort of fast walk it because of my ITB issues
Every mile to the race location and every day leading up to it is practice in telling JOAN to Shut Up
but my bones listen to her...and my little medal that I'll get...the completion medal...yeah the Rubbermaid bin has cleared a spot for it
Maybe I'll put it on a piece of leather cord and make it my latest fashion accessory
along with my tiara...
That sounded good, sounded strong and defiant
but it wasn't really...and JOAN sneered
sigh...
3 comments:
Wear your medal and your pride...you deserve to. Joan has no right to convince you otherwise. x
okay...when we get our medals, we have to wear it the entire day on the day of our 5ks! No ifs, and, or buts. We will deserve to wear our medals. Damn it....I have to get rid of my shin splints. I keep trying to run on them, walk on them, ice them, stretch them and nothing is working! You sound like you are doing great with your training. Good for you!
Well, I have to walk it...so i feel a bit defeated in my 'training.' But I know that is not Babs talking...and just like I have to find new ways to measure my weight loss success, since I'm not stepping on the scale...I have to find new ways to measure other successes too...I actually LET myself get a B in my last class just so I could prove to Babs (and JOAN) that I wouldn't DIE if I didn't get an A...
It felt kinda good...because it was a CHOICE, not a failure.
Keep going
and not only will i wear my medal all day...I'll keep my tiara on too :)
xo
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