She does what I could never, and still cannot do.

I was JOAN last night.
My daughter is auditioning for her first role in a middle school play and I offered to blow dry her hair and straighten it for her since, imho, it's usually an unruly curly mop an the awkward phase between short and long and...it makes me crazy.
It's part of my distorted Good Girl/Bad Girl perception and last night the words actually came out of my mouth in the direction of my daughter with what could only be heard as malice.

She decided she just wanted to wear her hair curly and I responded with a curt "fine."
She almost gave in, "Nevermind you can do it if you want to."

"Your teacher said you had to look presentable for you auditions...and what does your hair USUALLY look like by the end of the school day. You can't go in there with an unruly mop on your head"

"I like my hair"

OMG...what did I just say? What did I just say?
"Of course you do honey, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to be so horrible. I didn't mean that. I'm really struggling right now. I haven't had my 'drug,' food, in a while now and all these weird beliefs I hold inside about what I'm 'supposed to look like' they're not true, and they ARE NOT true about you"

We cried, we hugged, and cried some more.
I was amazed by her...I was amazed that I let JOAN out of my mouth but my daughter wasn't afraid of her. She just told it like it was..."I like my hair."

I told her how proud I was of her for standing up for herself. I admitted I can't even do that yet...to my own self! "I must not be that bad of a mom after all," I said as she was leaving the room.

"You're not a bad mom, momma," she stopped in her tracks and said right to my face.
"Thanks hon, that's another one of those false beliefs I'll have to get over."

She looked great this morning. She was HERself.
Last night while I was putting together dinner I was being a bit silly, dancing around the kitchen and generally being a goof ball and I told mini me...sorry, it's just my Babsness coming out. She giggled.

I said, "Hey, what's your Bryness?"

"I dunno," she answered.

I think I do.

I'm picking her up from school today, after auditions.

We already have plans to go to Plato's Closet and cash in her store credit...she really wants a pair of skinny jeans. AND we have plans to hit the Twistie Treat for a milkshake...we have PLANS for this, it's not a food soothe thing.

I think I'll tell her about JOAN.
I think I'll ask for her help.
Next time I say or do something hurtful that just doesn't seem like me (to you, someone else, or MYSELF) ...just say "Shut Up JOAN, leave my mom alone."

photo credit
photo credit 2