Whoaaaaa Trigger

Roy Rogers and his horse Trigger
This week has been full of em...Triggers that is.
I started EMDR last week. I think it's going to be a good tool in my recovery. The first session was mostly work setting a base line and finding my most CORE issue...you know, the Grudge-y one.
Turns out my worst one, that clawing, freaky grey-colored skin with dark eyes and dark haired one is a sense of belonging.
I don't belong.
Just typing that makes it hard to breathe.
This trigger is definitely an 8 or 9 on the SUDS scale.

While we were talking, I also noticed the "I should've/shouldn't have done/said" something reference being a pretty strong trigger.
Last week I offered some unsolicited advice to a co-worker. I thought about it before hand, approached the person cautiously and asked permission prior...and was well received...
But I still had a hard time fighting the urge to binge.
Worse yet, at each milestone of beating the binge (read: each drive-through I did NOT go through), the ugly feeling became stronger and the thoughts of failure more ominous.
THAT was very frustrating
Beating my demons is supposed to be empowering dammit!
By the time I got home I felt so small...and I didn't even eat! *sigh*

Last night I challenged a grade I received on a writing assignment.
I felt my points were valid. I worded my challenge respectfully. I felt as though my questions deserved an answer.

But after I hit send (it was a response to an email), I felt doom and gloom.
"You should't have said that."
"You don't have the right to question authority"

I ate
I didn't binge
but I did treat myself to some graham crackers with pb and jelly that I wasn't really hungry for
so I soothed with food

This morning I woke up and felt like it COULD be a binge day.
I talked with my hub about it.
We shared similar stories.
It made me feel good to know he understands.

I got a response from my professor today.
We agree to disagree...
...but I did get a higher grade ;)

I'm glad I said something.
A friend of mine said,
"Wow, I'm proud of you for saying something. I would've just taken the lower grade then complained about the teacher."
This is true.
I am glad that I acted from my belief "better to ask and know then say nothing and always wonder."

I'm not sure how I feel about the end result.
Don't read that wrong...I'm very glad the outcome of my challenge was a re-evaluation of my grade.
I still don't know what to do with my feelings about "challenging authority."
Those still loom.
I still don't know what to do with my feelings about "winning" the challenge.
Those loom even larger.

So I write them down...
I'll bring them to therapy...
I will not eat them.

But if I do, I'll at least understand why.



mariposai said...

That was really brave to stand up for yourself and be assertive...ah the number of times I wish I'd had that courage at university.

Go you!

Sarah x

Jennifer said...

I find it really interesting that the belonging thing is an issue for you because, well, from my perspective... I always thought it was the fact that you didn't quite belong (in that you weren't a stereotype or cookie cutter mom) that made you so cool and drew me to want to get to know you better and hang out with you.

And I can totally relate to the drive home and how the feelings of need accumulate the more drive thrus I go past, until I get to the last one before my house and feel I might explode if I don't give into the craving.