Today I have decided...

Today I have decided I love my shape
and it's not like the previous
i love my thighs
i love my thighs
i love my thighs
i love my thighs (although I was able to type that without hesitation so the muscle memory is sinking in)

Today I realized I do really love my shape
I'm not feeling well today...dang head cold...so I spent the entire morning and a few hours of the afternoon in bed. My hub came home for lunch and brought me some meds (yes i resorted to over the counter because my head was going to explode and i was feeling worse because i was feeling useless) so i peeled myself out of bed and into the shower.
Out of the shower and caught my reflection in the full length mirror and decided to look a little closer. I do love my breasts, they're small but very pretty if I do say so myself. I love my waist and the curve of my ribs into my waist and hips. Even the softness of my belly is attractive to me...perhaps not the size, but the shape and that was my focus today. There is still some definition of the muscles in my stomach that again, even though soft, are attractive. My neck, collar bones and shoulders are very strong, I've always loved that...at the height of my yoga practice i had a great back...the structure is still there so my shape is the same and when i flex, i see the strength.
I am who and what I am supposed to be in this hour of this day of my life
there are no mistakes only parts of the journey
and the journey is always toward the destination, even when it feels like we're going backwards.
I feel as though I'm moving towards a new, important phase in life.
Moving from glory to glory
I don't feel stuck or resistant to this change, even though it's ugly and bringing lots of things to the surface that I don't necessarily want to see or have others see. Before I can become polished, all the impurities need to be burned away, the heat has to be just right and the refiner needs to be close by at all times. I feel that way now.
Yes, admitting my addiction and fears, and disgust and stubbornness is difficult...but not as hard as I thought it would be. I know I'm not done...I know it'll get uglier before it gets better.
10 years ago I had a glimpse, I remember heading to Checkers to pick up food for all of our employees in the store and buying myself an extra meal to eat on the way back then eating again with everyone else. I admitted it then...I lost the weight, phen-fen was the big thing then and I definitely got skinny, then I got pregnant and had a reason to eat without concern...so i did and at 3 months pregnant I looked 6 months pregnant and after my baby was born I weighed 216lbs (ack!)

So anyway...moving on I mentioned to my hub that I'm searching for a behavior modification therapist...i've been given 4 recommendations. Only one has a website and she looks pretty cool.
We already have a great family counselor, why not go see her?
Well, she knows me, she knows me not only as a client but as a peer. We've worked together in a couple of different scenarios and while I know she'd probably be great for me and would still be professional and could help me, I'm embarrassed to talk to her.
So I checked out the one website I could find, and it looks great. She's close, she's got a great philosophy yada yada yada
she's 3 years younger than I am
(stumble)
I'm sure it's just another excuse some part of me is making.
Another of my recommendations is in a part of town I don't want to go to in a facility with a reputation (at least in my mind)...excuse number 2
it's already after 5pm today so I can't call anyone today
but tomorrow, I'm waking up with my husband and making breakfast, getting my "paperwork" done for the week so that by 9am I'm ready to spend some time on the phone with 4 potential counselors
I'm off Mondays and Tuesdays every week and I'm making an appointment for next week
There, I said it, and typed it, out into the universe
someone out there is in agreement with me
therefore it's bound here on earth

did I mention, today I love my shape