BAH

premenstrual munchies
grrr
why doesn't ANYTHING satisfy them?

Woman earns Masters with honors, Cannot attend commencement ceremonies because she won't fit out the door...News at 11

There is definitely something to this school = eating equation...
Again today...it was everything I could do to keep myself from a drive through
I did it
I kept myself from every intimidating fast food sign, made it to school and cooked the dinner I packed
I bought 2 diet sodas from the vending machine to make it through the night (4 hr class.........zzzzzzz)

I did start my period yesterday
and I'm missing opening night of my daughter's play tonight (but will see another show)
I even contemplated "skipping" class so I could go to the show but...

• next week is midterm and if I miss review...I'll bomb the midterm (I know this teacher)
• there are other performances this weekend
• my hub, boys, and some extended family will be there tonight

...and most importantly, I was SEARCHING for a good excuse to skip class

which is somehow tied to drive-through desire on school nights

and I can't do either...skip, or hit a drive through

so I'm not

I'm here, in class waiting for the clock to strike 6pm and lecture to start.

I left a special gift for my mini me and hub gave it to her before he dropped her off backstage...

She loved it

She knows I love her

I'm in class

and I'm not eating...

I'll take it

ah HA said the Goat

So hormones are the reason for my moody munching

I knew that...I keep a calendar
But the hormones just make me give in easier
they don't MAKE me take action
my eating disorder is comprised of certain behaviors that I will eradicate
whether I'm PMS'ing or NOT
No more kicking the Goat
there
I said it
I decided

It's just a few days away...

Saturday is my 5K!
I watched the little video on the web page and got a little teary and scared and excited all at the same time. At least I THINK those were the feelings I was experiencing :)

My race starts at 7am

My hub is gonna be at the finish line :)

I have a tiara (thanks to a co worker)
and this ---------------------->
will be my t-shirt
yeah, I know they're giving me a commemorative one...
but I like this better so I bought a tee and some iron on transfer funky paper and VOILA
oh yes... the little 'brand' note on the back between my shoulder blades?
~SayNoToJOAN~

yup...my own clothing line just for me!
tee hee

speaking of clothing...
today i started
(yeah, hub gets home after a week away and blammo...ppttth)
but anyway I digress...
so i pulled out the fat pants
mind you...these barely fit in Dec and it pissed me off coz they're FAT pants...not every day pants
so today was the perfect day for them
and
and
and....they. are. loose!
Yes loose
so loose they're long (because my butt doesn't hold em up as high)

So yeah JOAN started
"ooh see, you should step on the scale! just see...come on just a tiny peek to see! Think of how great it will be AND you're bleeding so it's really even more of a loss than what you'll see!"

Shut up JOAN.
I didn't do it (step on the scale that is)
I only considered it for a second and I don't even think that was me (Babs)
Know why? The pants are enough!

Funny...after that I just kept singin'
'There's a new way to be human...'
I dunno the rest of that song, or if it even fits...but THAT did
and I didn't get on the scale :)


photo credit

Demons in the Break Room

The Devil has arrived
Nutty Bars and Cosmic Brownies
Oh the break room at work has been a den of demons for a while, but little debbie takes the cake

You know what the saddest thing is? THEY'RE NOT EVEN THAT GOOD!

I have succumbed to many a binge in the rectangular box of sickeningly sweet individually wrapped snacks.

I absolutely cannot stand the taste or texture of Oatmeal Cream Pies, but I have eaten 6 in a row.

When I really think about it, a Star Crunch really tastes like what I imagine plastic would taste like

Nutty Bars taste like cardboard soaked in grainy peanut butter and Cosmic Brownies taste like chocolate paste!

But oh have I eaten them

and hidden the evidence

and felt the remorse

and in my latter years...the punishment of the gluten tearing up my body.

Hormones have been raging the past few days but I've been able to keep myself in check

And actually...although my heart raced to see the tiny, brightly colored, hard decorations on the cosmic brownies starting up at me from the snack basket...I was able to walk away from them. (I originally typed 'I didn't want them' but that somehow, somewhere felt like a half truth)

I cannot have these in the house

I know this

My kids haven't complained, I keep other snack options in the house

I haven't felt 'S T R E S S E D' to the point lately that I'd mindlessly rip open the plastic and inhale a nutty bar and I've been great about making sure I bring my own food and snacks...

But to be safe...I'm not taking my breaks in the break room...  it seems as though my body appreciates our office iJoy massage chair MUCH more than a damned little debbie snack cake!

photo credit 1

photo credit 2

A week

no kids for one week
emotions are semi raw sitting just under the saran wrap
will be some energy flow for sure!

starting to realize this "dream-like" state of life
deconstructing the book-of-laws and daring to be myself
even when you know deconstruction is right...it's still hard to break the rules!

I will never reject who you "be"
I may reject what you do

I'm also realizing there's more to me than a sneeze...
actually, now that I see it in print...that's definitely the title of a future sermon/post

no wonder i'm so tired

I believe I've caused my own pain and fatigue.

My body has been in a struggle with itself for so long

My vessel finally decided to just sit down and wait it out

My body got tired of listening to my selves disagree and argue with one another

sabotage one another, ignore one another

My body is tired of struggling with itself

My body is achy from fighting with itself

My body is tired

so it's just gonna sit and wait for the tug of war to stop

you know...if you want something to disappear, you have to pay attention to it

i want my inner critic to disappear

i wish it would just shut up

i wish i could just smother that voice

and i've tried...under food

what i've learned is that i need to pay attention to that little voice

she's not trying to be a critic

she's trying to tell me something

when she acts out, there's a reason

and not just any old reason...but a positive, good, self-caring reason

so i've been spending time trying to shut her up

and she's been spending time trying to get me to listen

my GOD no wonder i'm so TIRED

nice Thursday

today was a good day

it was fun hanging out with the hub

no work to go to

chilled with each other

chilled at the mall

T-R-I double GRrrrrrrr

I definitely know what it is today
I wanna say things
but they'd be hurtful and not help the situation one iota
I was doing FINE letting the situation roll
actually quite proud of myself that I wasn't full of sarcastic, biting remarks
I made one, calm, suggesting comment...it was reciprocated with "i don't want to" and I let it be at that...I know how I feel when I'm pissy so...why make someone else have to face his or her demons when they're in the middle of pissy

so...beautiful morning, I was proud of myself for "staying out of it" and...Not Letting It Get To Me...but then my pain started
I don't know why
I don't know if I ate something
I don't know if it's just a new pms sympton
I don't know why...it just did
my legs and hips ache
my shoulder isn't happy
but did I mention my hips ache
oh yeah...and the fingers and toes, HYPERSENSITIVE today
it hurts when I sit, It hurts when I stand, It hurts when I lay down, It hurts when I do the dishes so might as well be productive and do the dishes that are bugging the crap out of me in the sink...

I can't really handle keeping my head AND tolerating the pain at the same time yet
add extremely trivial thing on top of the aforementioned demons and I have to remove myself from one or both of my issues
So...I go into another room
work on some stretches for my pain
find a comfortable position and obviously fell asleep

Wake up
another trivial thing
and all the voices in my head keep telling me is "dont they know all the things you REALLY want to say? You should just let em have it. You should just unleash all those things you think, you know you're right, they're wrong...if they would just do it your way everything would be much better."
Um...no
Not right at all
Shut up voices
My pain makes me weak
when I'm weak, all those little sins of the flesh come creeping in
I'm thankful for reading a proverb a day for a while
it's taught me how to hold my tongue
Right Speech...it's obviously an important detail since it shows up in every possible religion and belief system there is
Right Speech ...and it's more than grammatical prowess
It's more than knowing when to say the right thing
but when saying the right thing could be the wrong thing

I was letting myself get so angry over all the wrongs I presumed were being used against me
little tiny things that pull my eye away from all the beautiful miracles that happen every minute
my pain is opening a door to the anger demons and I cant' handle both
I don't want to talk because the words that come out will be ugly, vile, hurtful, spiteful, vindictive and serve absolutely NO purpose for good...other than purging myself...which ultimately will make me feel bad for all the negativity I have spawned into the world
So I started eating
I didn't eat lunch earlier because getting out of my conundrum was more important
So I baked a piece of fresh coastal flounder with pepper jack cheese...it was VERY good
Then I had a piece of my daughter's easter bunny with some peanut butter
and 5 wheat thins (these I quickly hid in my pocket when the front door cracked open...turns out I hid my sins from the DOG).

I stopped at that, realized I was letting my anger get the best of me and decided to write instead
capture it all so I'm ready for this week's appointment

I feel a bit better now (but why do there ALWAYS have to be kissing noises during kissing scenes in the movies...ugh I hate that smacking sound...Spiderman 2 on in the background at the moment)
I know I can communicate the things I need to say to whom I need to say it later on this afternoon when we're all back together
and...I actually feel full...not a typical thing when my brain goes into binge mode

So this time...I wanted to eat to stuff down all the yuckiness that wanted to come up out of me

for today

Is there a difference between yes and no?
Is there a difference between good and evil?
Must I fear what others fear? What nonsense.
Having and not having arise together
Difficult and easy complement each other
Long and short contrast each other
High and low rest upon each other
Front and back follow one another ~Ken Wilber



the 8 limbs of yoga have led me to discern that I am unhappy with the 4 limbs of my body and several parts in between. Unhappiness is not what I wish to be.
If weight is lost, won't it desire to be found
If I gain weight what do I have then to lose
When I was thin I still felt fat
When I am fat I'll never be thin

There is no this or that
There are no boundaries
There is no happy or unhappy
There only is

And this is what I shall discover
What is

I don't know which way I'll get there
food, exercise, therapy, anger, happiness, depression, manic episodes, level-headedness or never
But there is just another boundary
and there is No Boundary