Yesterday

Yesterday, someone called and asked me for a ride
This doesn't seem like much but it's one of the girls on my cheer squad and she didn't call anyone else, she asked me for help...she knew I'd give it.

Yesterday, someone was persistent in picking my brain for ways to stretch specific muscles.

She knows I'm a trained yoga instructor and is struggling with some particular points she just can't reach.

It took me a moment to realize that she was ASKING for my expertise and when I did, and gave her my full attention, she got what she needed.

Yesterday, someone asked how to handle a particularly sticky situation
She knows that I have "a way with words" (as she put it) and wants to know how to use them too.
She recognized my gift and asked that I share it with her. I did.

Other people see in me the things that I am trying to be
I need to stop and see what they see.

Reframe the Mirror

Yesterday I complained about looking 'frumpy' in the mirror...even in my dreams...but not necessarily thinking it was a "bad" thing. Back when I was what society would call "thin" I looked at myself and still saw fat. Now, I'm what society might call "fat," but not necessarily unhappy with what I see in the mirror (most days).

Then a soul sista solicited words of wisdom because SHE was feeling confused about what she sees in the mirror too (must be something in the air).

Without even taking a breath to pause and think...I answered her back with this:

Who decides you look bad?
Of course you don't think you look bad when you look at yourself no! You are seeing the embodiment of the manifestation of your dreams! You are vibrationally in synch with (insert your name here), the (insert your accomplishment here). You have begun believing yourself in ways that make those around you quicken their pace to catch some of that mojo. OF COURSE YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE!

You are taking action

You are honoring your true self

You are pulling her to the surface

And when you see her, she is beautiful

When you see her as beautiful...well, you know the rest!

Well it was so profound I decided I needed to hear it too...
And I'm guessing someone out there might too!

Who decides you look bad?

Of course you don't think you look bad when you look at yourself no!
You are seeing the embodiment of the manifestation of your dreams!
You are vibrationally in synch with Babs, the sought after writer, teacher, and healer. You have begun believing yourself in ways that make those around you quicken their pace to catch some of that mojo.
OF COURSE YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE!

You are taking action

You are honoring your true self

You are pulling her to the surface

And when you see her, she is beautiful

When you see her as beautiful...well, you know the rest!

Things about today

Today I still have Salma Hayek hair...my curls are behaving nicely now that it has grown a bit past awkward.

Today I get my new computer
Today I purchase my domain name for my new website
Today I am very proud of the man that I love, he's facing some demons head on and he's winning
Today I crossed 5 things off of my to do list
Today I ate 2 spoonfuls of m&m's
Today I ate 6 whopper candies
Today I ate a little debbie cosmic brownie
Today, I think, I'm ovulating
Today I have a headache

That little debbie, yeah, it was stale
but i ate it anyway
sigh

Things that make me feel GOOD

In two weeks I start EMDR. Part of my preparations is to list at least one way (per day) that I made my heart 'gush.'

Heart gush comes from my "Always remember..." notebook that I started when I first met my husband.
It's a simple little notebook where I write one liners that remind me of times my hub made my heart gush with love for him. Little books like this are necessary because it's easier to get hung up on piddly little things that make you mad at times.

So my counselor charged me with writing down things that I do for myself that make my heart gush
I haven't written any...I've thought of some but haven't taken the time to put pen to paper
so I'm putting pad to key

• I chose NOT to battle with my son about a napkin
• I bought amazingly fantastically funky curtains for the living room
• I sang my birthday song LOUD in the living room on my birthday while dancing like a happy me
• I painted the 2nd coat on the living room walls...it feels so nummy in there with the great colors
• I LOVE MY decorating style :)
• I've been dressing more 'babsy' lately

So the running theme is I've been letting my creativity flow
I notice tunes humming through my head (and out my lips) more often now and lyrics dancing around my brain...earworms planted years ago only to resurface as I sweep the floor or re-tie a bow so it's "just so."
I even dabbed a dot of patchouli on each wrist and behind my ears

Huh, whodathought that being myself would make my heart gush
now THAT phrase just made me chuckle
Miss AuthentiCity :)

Shape and Size

photo credit

Lately, I haven't obsessed much over food
Joan hasn't spoken in weeks
I haven't really felt bad about my body image or my eating habits
I haven't used food to soothe

Recently, I very matter-of-factly, non judgmentally said "I like my shape, it's my size I'm not crazy about."
I do quite resemble this pear
I'm tiny up top and broad where a broad should be broad.

Years ago I got down to my lowest weight...for all of about a week...then I hovered at 'just low enough to be legal' for about 8 months. I was a leader for an international weight loss chain and had to maintain a certain weight to continue in my position.
When I started reaching out for help from my superiors...because it was getting hard, because I was restricting in unhealthy ways, because even though I practiced what I preached I could not keep my weight down...I got the cold shoulder and I left...and I gained....

That was years ago and a lifetime away from the mindset I have now.
I very matter-of-factly and non judgmentally like my shape and would like to work on my size.
I very honestly think losing 15 pounds would be a good place for me.
Now mind you...15 pounds from now has ALWAYS been "FAT" years ago and a lifetime away from the mindset I have now.

I'm rather proud of this feeling
DID YOU READ THAT?
I just said I was proud?!?!
I didn't even feel an insurmountable urge to backspace and delete it from the page
I felt proud of a feeling
OMG
what an accomplishment.

I think I'll take a cue from George Costanza and call it a day :)

xo

that fix

Do you remember the scene in pay it forward where Helen Hunt's character tears the house apart frantically searching for ONE remaining drop of alcohol in her house
and she finds it
in the kitchen light fixture
and she drinks it
and everything feels right with the world for a second
but then it's not

yeah...
I know that feeling
it came in the form of a spicy chicken melt from checkers
some fries
and a hot apple pie that burned the roof of my mouth

She didn't care that she'd get sick
for that second she didn't care that she might fall off the step stool and break her neck looking... reaching for a drop of vodka

but for just that second
after that, she cared

i don't know why
i only know what was going on
i wasnt finished with my paper for class
(although I am now)
and my presentation is about what I want to be when I'm done with my education
it's all about me

ugh
I'll be sick tomorrow
I'll log too many calories today
and I'll restart my counter when I get home from school

I hate that "fix" feeling
I hate it and I love it all at the same time
GAH!

The next BIG thing

If you've read my 100 List or have followed my blog for any length of time, you'll know that one of my aspirations is to be a writer...a published writer.
Yes, I realize that technically everytime I "publish post" I am a published writer but that's not what I mean!

A few weeks ago I submitted a writing sample to Examiner.com.
A few days later I got this...

Dear Babetta,


Thanks for applying at Examiner.com! We have reviewed your information, and think you would make an excellent Orlando Liberal Christian Examiner (in our Religion & Spirituality channel).

It took my breath away to read!

Now I'm official and I published MY FIRST ARTICLE last night.
Writing it came easy and I swear when I hit the "publish" button, I squeeled and jumped out of my seat!
Hub looked at me with a raised eyebrow to which I exclaimed...

"I'm official! I just published my first on-line article!"

Okay now this one DOES feel fantastic
I told everyone I could think to share with RIGHT AWAY
I posted a link on Facebook, I sent emails and texts and messages
I guess I'm *gulp* PROUD of this one ;)

Nearest I can figure I feel really positive about this because it's another step in the direction I REALLY want to go with my life...
there's potential
there's hope
there's change

and I like hopey changey stuff
~grin~

Incongruency...

Just the thought of something positive scares me
Okay that's not a completely true statement but I can't figure out exactly how to wrap words around this feeling.
The other day, when I ate it was because the prospect of something positive was unfolding in front of me.
In the past, when I've succumb to my worst binges they've always followed something "good" that I'd just done.
I used to think this had to do with my inability to be proud of myself.
After therapy last night, I'm starting to re-work this thought.

I've always considered myself a project-starter. (That's a nice way to say I don't finish stuff)
I've started college 5 times and I'm still a year away from my BA
I've had this podcast idea in my head since November
There pieces of crafts, sewing ideas, gardening articles, home decor projects and recipes lying in unmarked graves of my idea graveyard waiting for their Easter sunrise.

I'm fighting very hard to keep the college-start number at 5 but truth be told I've had to go kicking and screaming against the saboteur voices in my head. I'm terrified of graduating and want to be done already all in the same breath.
My heart swells with purpose when I talk about the ideas I want to incorporate in my podcast and teaching tour, just the words 'podcast' and 'road trip' make my entire body smile.
Sometimes it takes all my muster to get up and put a paint brush in my hand to finish projects around the house and i still have seeds waiting to seed...

When I think about actually finishing school, my insides shirk away from the surface. It's like they curl up in the smalest ball possible and leave me there a shell-of-a-babs.

Yesterday in my individual session we talked about the recent episode with my mother and how I processed it. All in all a good scenario because 1) I didn't eat, 2) I felt my feelings, 3) I expressed my feelings in a healthy way and 4) I got resolution.

From that we started talking through whatever episodes may have happened when I was younger that left this inability for me to trust what someone says. That I must've had several examples (or one doozy) where I heard one thing but tuned into another (because I tune in like that...its a mad-skill of mine).
That didn't resonate...
For some reason, while my therapist was talking I started to think maybe it wasn't hearing good things about myself that I didn't believe...but good things about life in general. (that's not quite what I meant but I can't find words for that right now).

For example...when I was young, my parents told me all their marital troubles were over.
I remember that day CLEARLY...I walked in the door, there stood mom and dad hugging and smiling and mom said, "Look, we're fine now no more worry."
I didn't believe that.
I was younger than 10 but older than 8.
My life was supposed to be "good" and "okay now" but it didn't feel that way

http://www.nataliedee.com/

incongruency

Stepping out on this great adventure of my future path to change the world
Good thing...will be fantastic...totally ready to DIVE in, ideas coming out of my eyeballs I'm so on fire about it. But I freeze at the edge and won't even put my toe in because
it's supposed to be good and life will be okay now
but I don't believe it will
so I get in my own way and I douse the flames
so it never has a chance to be good
congruency...

What was said to be good, was not good at all
I don't like 'good' so I avoid it at all costs
I protect myself from it
I get in my own way so as not to attain it

But...
I think my marriage is good, and I don't feel an aversion to it at all
We talked about that for a while too
My marriage is good because it works
and I mean it's work
We work at it
it's not perfect
we each have our own demons and we struggle dealing with what life throws us on any given day
and dang...we have two tweens and a teen so of course it's work!
But we laugh and we talk and we giggle and we share and we vent and we listen. We sigh and we snark and we comfort and we support...
Several times just this week alone I've been reminded not only of how much I love my hub, but how much I love our marriage because it('s) work(s).

I don't understand the disconnect there yet
Why I'm afraid to finish my degree but not afraid of my marriage
But we've at least opened something that sent reverberations out my toes.

I don't want to eat every time I do something or feel something is good because I won't fit into the RV at the end of my national tour! ~grin~

Eulogy

Okay...just so you know, you cannot comment on this post.
I've turned off that feature because I don't wanna know what YOU'd say at my funeral, I already know you think I'm wonderful.
Gee, that sounds rather pompous but... writing my own Eulogy is a therapy homework assignment. It was assigned THREE WEEKS ago and due tonight, nothing like procrastinating huh?
Actually, I've tried to start a few times and just this morning got a good feel for where I'm going with it...
but then I realized the POINT of the assignment because I just can't get my fingers to write it, type it heck I can't even say it.

A eulogy (from εὐλογία, eulogia, Classical Greek for "good words") is a speech or writing in praise of a person or thing, especially one recently deceased or retired.
In praise of
*choke*
That's why I can't type
I'd have to say good things about myself
Like I told you...about my therapist? She's good...

So I started with the idea that I live intentionally
(maybe the whole writing in 3rd person was throwing me I dunno)
I want people to remember me for living on purpose.
I consider myself an everyday learner and wish to be so until I have no days left.
As we know better, we do better so my goal is to do better-er every day :P
I thrive on conversation and the intricacies of communication and I love teaching others those same intricacies. I believe communication is the heart of every relationship and relationship is what life is all about.
I'm learning how to communicate with myself.

I truly believe that I can make a difference and in my own little (or big) way, change the world
I believe that I see things in ways others don't and when they trust me, I will share my insights.
I may not always be right, and it's not about being right...it's about where my thoughts and words come from.
My thoughts and words come from a place of pure positive intention. What anyone does with my thoughts, words, or actions once I have done them is not for me to condone or admonish...it is just mine to act out of pure honesty, authenticity.
Hopefully, my actions model the same and I've inspired other authenticitizens and will continue to do so.

I want people to always know where they stand with me.
Honesty doesn't mean cruelty...there are ways to be honest without being mean...but the cruelty one suffers after learning what they believed is a lie is the worst feeling in the world and I never want anyone to experience that pain as a result of my actions or words.

I want people to feel better, better about themselves, their surroundings and their potential, after meeting me.
I want to always have a word, a smile or a look that lets whomever it is know that they are loved and valued; from my daughter to the panhandler outside the local gas station to the politician I vehemently disagree with.

I want everyone to realize that everyone has value and purpose and was created in love.
That God loves everybody...whether you like it or not...so you might as well, cause it doesn't hurt to be on the Big Guy's (Girl's?) good side.

Did you know YOU were created with a purpose?
Not just some hum drum way to drudge through life. There's actually an IMPORTANT reason why you are here. This is why it is so VERY important that you ARE YOU...I mean the YOU you were created to be.
So many of us hide under masks or try to be something we're not...we do this for so many reasons but ultimately it's because for some reason we don't think we're special or good enough just the way we are. OR WORSE that something is WRONG with us.
My teachers always said I talked too much and my friends said I was bossy because I always thought I knew better than they did.
See...those are just my spiritual gifts in hiding
yeah I love to talk...look, I'm talking to you now and I have SOMETHING TO SAY that is good!
I don't think I'm too bossy now but I will tell you...once I've learned something awesome I can't help but wanna share it.

I'm the weird one and I don't mind
I dance in the kitchen while I'm stirring the sauce
I quote random song lyrics at the drop of a hat
I speak my mind even when my voice shakes
I love you even when I don't like your behavior
I believe it never hurts to ask and that it's always okay to say 'no'
I don't have to change the world, but as I change me...the world changes too

I'm far from perfect
I still struggle with my own demons
but I'm honest about them...and I'm changing because of that, and change is good.

I'm a Christian and my faith is the center tentpole of my life
I disagree with lots of Churchianity
I can admit when I'm wrong but will keep speaking when I feel that something just isn't right

Above all, I want you to know that being yourself is the best gift you can give God (Sam, the Universe, your IDA). You were created JUST THE WAY YOU ARE for a reason
Don't change it ...if you do, well then you can't do what you were created to do
because only YOU can do that thing
and we need you
:)

Trusting that Babs knows what's good for herself

Of the gajillions of diets/food plans/programs I've tried in the past...one was actually 'successful' in that I managed to lose weight and keep it off, I even became a meeting leader for the company.
Those successes started to fade not necessarily because the program itself was 'bad,' it just wasn't complete in that it didn't get to the crux of my emotional motivators for eating.

So...now that I'm getting the emotional support through therapy, group and my blog, I'm 'following' the guidelines again on my own. I'm not going to meetings or anything like that because I'm happy with the current support network sessions I have going, but I am logging my food on line keeping within the parameters the system sets up. Well, sortof.

See, if you remember I'm not weighing anymore. I haven't weighed since January 25, 2010. In fact, I've created a new blog page JUST to list new ways I have of measuring my success. (pssst, today I'm wearing pants I haven't worn in a year!!)

So, there's the rub
Sorta
This plan assigns food credits based on weight
the more you weigh, the more credits you get
as you lose weight, you decrease your food credits.

But I'm not weighing myself
I will not
The scale is NOT and has never been my friend...even during aforementioned "success."

Now, let's helicopter back to 2005 when I was 'at goal' and leading meetings
Even then I argued that I felt best, and noticed the greatest success at a certain credit level
When I went lower, I felt undernourished and struggled to make sure I got in my dairy/fats/meats/etc
When I went higher, I gained weight.
But I never trusted myself to just set my food credit level and have a devil may care attitude about what credits I was supposed to stick to.

Now if you remember, I started counting because of the damn doctor scale.
At the time, I started at my favorite credit level.
I'm having success...check out the page!
I know I've 'lost' according to the scale that I'm not stepping on
but I don't know how much
so I can't adjust my credits

JOAN wants to adjust the credits
You have to change your credits, it won't work if you don't decrease your credits. Do you think the professionals are stupid? They obviously know what they're doing they've created the program and it's a worldwide success. You really just need to give up this pettiness and step on the scale and do this right.

I thought about just making up a number ...something that represented how much I think I have lost, just to change my credits...but somewhere I knew that would be me caving into what JOAN wants...and my original intention was to trust my theory.

It's my theory
It might be wrong but I won't know unless I try it
There's been NOTHING that has led me to believe that it is wrong thus far (hello pants!)
so I need to trust myself
I'm trusting myself
I'm sticking with my current level of credits
I'm feeding myself well
I'm seeing successes
and JOAN can go stuff it :P

Homework

i've been procrastinating this one so long i forgot the instructions
but it goes along the lines of...
make a list of all the things you know to be true about yourself
but then she said...

make a list of things that are true about you

didja catch the difference?
immediately that was 2 different lists to me

I thought about tracing my body out on some butcher paper and using 2 different colored post it notes to reflect the semantics

but I never got around to that

I have some time between work and therapy...but I really wanna go check out this uber cool thrift shop that is between here and there so I'm going to do that instead

I guess there's a reason I didn't do my homework
although...I am a 'best when under pressure' kinda gal and usually save my homework for the last minute
somehow this feels different
and besides...tonight is a double whammy night individual then group...
I have had a lot of 'stuff' come up this week...so maybe I'll just list that for tonight's session and put the chalk outline on my to do list for this week :)


photo credit 1
photo credit 2

blogaddicition?

Perusing through my blog list the other morning, Sarah's entry caused some interesting thoughts to swirl...

Yesterday my 'run down' post was 100% totally for me.Those simple statements needed to come to life as more than just distant voices and ideas hiding in the recesses of my brain.

It seems to me that thoughts can get stuck
just a 'thought' can get stuck forever a thought
if I had actually spoken to JOAN years ago...I wonder if she would've gone away
I never did...until recently
she was stuck...forever in my thoughts
i've let her out...i've given her 'life' now she can go

It is truly why I blog
I blog for myself
Virtural lurkers may participate at will but I don't write for them
Yes there have been a nanosecond or two where I've thought 'ooh, my hub will read this'  but that (as you can see) wasn't me, it was JOAN...she likes it when I keep things quiet, when she can just stay tucked away with the thoughts where she is comfortable and in control.
Sometimes I try to think of how to say something more poetically, using the trunk of metaphors shoved into the closet that is my head...but that's just because I want to be a better writer.
But when I'm dumping...you know not eating just writing, there is no editor, there is no 'posh language inserted here moment' because my fingers move faster than I can think of the words (must have something to do with that mind/body split thing)

Blogging has replaced my use of food to soothe...instead of turning to the fridge, I open my laptop and spew my feelings out my fingers
I will say that...so maybe it is my replacement addiction
I did, for a while, get caught up in who, when, from where...yada yada and all the stats that can make a blogger feel important

But I do feel important
I'm helping MYSELF
turns out in the process, I may be helping someone else too
I know I get a lot of 'healing' reading other blogs
and can I just tell you...JOAN and ED and all their other cohorts HATE it!
So keep reading, keep writing, keep talking
Live out Loud
Let your thoughts out
I am
and I will keep doing so

the run down

I have been counting points since January 15th 2010
I have stayed on plan since that day
I have not soothed with food since January 10th 2010
I have thought about it
I have not stepped on a scale since January 25th 2010
I do not plan to (of my own accord) until January 25th 2011
I have thought about it

I have clothes that are fitting more comfortably
I look at and appreciate my body daily
I answer JOAN back, out loud, on a regular basis

I am still in therapy
I am finding my Babsness (again)
I am feeling the need for a personal day...and have scheduled several over the next few months
I am excited about healing
I can feel it happen, bit by bit, every day

...so I don't eat

I'm going to go to bed soon...so I don't eat

but I write so I don't eat...so I'll do some of that first
I guess there are a lot of reasons why I might WANT to eat
my hub is snowboarding
i'm premenstrual
the condition of my house is bugging me (probably because i'm premenstrual and my hub is snowboarding)
i submitted a presenter application for 3 workshops at an upcoming weekend conference
ACK

I didn't really have any problems typing up my application and tweaking my resume (although I do need a presenter's resume...not an job hunt resume...maybe after I can add these 3 to my list of accomplishments I'll do that...)
I made a plan with my bff and gave myself a deadline of tonight.
She very kindly reminded me that today was Wednesday...submission d-day
and I knew when the sun went down, the laptop opened.

I did it
I even posted a FB status about it
and somewhere inside I'm nervous about it
so I'm thinking about the rice crackers I have in the pantry
of course I tell myself I'm not thinking about the boxful...just a few
but I'm telling myself OUT LOUD that I'm not having any and just going to bed
because even if it didn't turn into a binge or an indulgence...it would be a food soothe because I'm really not needing/wanting food for nourishment
so I just need to sleep
but that's hard
because the hub is snowboarding
sigh

So instead, I'll think about presenting this June
Two theatrical interpreting workshops and a yoga workshop for interpreters
Sharing what I've learned and put into practice, sharing what works for me, learning what works for others and networking

Yeah...networking
although I don't know that I want to go on the interpreting workshop circuit
I do know that I want to be teaching/presenting/mentoring in some capacity (actually...more about authenticity and finding self) Isn't that ironic. So this foray into the presenting world in more than just my backyard is a good step for me.

I don't need to eat something because I'm proud of an accomplishment. You haven't accomplished anything yet.  There is the potential for a binge here...but thankfully, I have enough people who 'know' that I can turn to that I think I can keep the counter rolling.

I also promise to be cognizant of any other sabotaging behavior
I have a biology test next Tuesday to study for
I have a concert coming up in a couple of weeks to prep for
I have a garden I'd like to work on this week
oh yes, and there is my 5K week after next

all of these are things I might 'passively kill' in order to avoid the accomplishment
but now you know about them
I don't have to do any of them perfectly...but I will do all of them.

photo credit

Serve up a piece of Self Pie

The other day I mentioned that I was "that" girl in group therapy...yeah I was the one that broke down.
I think when I wrote it...I was bashing the idea...well JOAN was at least, but now as I think about it...that's what is supposed to happen in a process group. Another member responded to something that I said and it SMACKED my trigger HARD!

We each created our own Self-Esteem pie chart. The exercise does not measure whether you have high or low self esteem. Instead, the focus is on 'what' is important to you when you evaluate your own self-worth. You had to rate all the things in your life that you are using right now to evaluate yourself as a person. Identify the different domains of your self-esteem and then draw a wedge into the pie to represent each domain. The size of the wedge represents the importance of that domain...
Some of the suggested wedges were

• personality
• appearance
• volunteer work
• creativity
• relationships
• athletic ability
• artistic ability
• spirituality
• morals/attitudes/values (honestly, openness, speaking up, helping others, not being taken advantage of)
• weight
• shape
• performance at work/school
• talents
• hobbies
• role as a mother/sister/partner, mentor
• competence/knowledge in certain areas
• achievements.

Right away I wanted to draw TWO circles...I immediately felt a JOAN circle and a babs circle...but I resisted the urge and just put my pencil to paper.

SLICE and half the pie as gone, performance at work/school and competence/knowledge in certain areas ate up 1/2 the pie in one gulp. The remaining half was cut into 4 pieces: one for Morals/attitudes/values, one for role as mom/partner/mentor, one for appearance (weight/athletic ability/shape), and one was split into 6 tinier pieces...spirituality, relationships, hobbies, talent, artistic ability, and creativity...

When it was my turn to share, although we didn't have to...
I found myself truly sad that the things I THINK I find so important,
the qualities that I encourage OTHERS to consider when they define themselves...
are so very very tiny on my pie chart

Of the remaining slices...even those needed explanation...you see they APPEARED good, but they were laced with JOAN.
It's not a bad thing that I treasure my role as a mom or spouse or mentor...
but my self esteem hangs on being a perfect mom, spouse or mentor.

Morals and values are at the heart of my personal code of conduct (which surprisingly is very unJOAN)
but my self esteem hangs on having impeccable morals and values

Weight/Appearance...well we all get that one that's why I type here and you read this stuff right...?

Okay so that was a tough enough pill to swallow I mean really...my spirituality takes up a smidge of my self esteem pie? What about my creativity and talents?

But then...my own drawing took my breath away because 'achievements' was very intentionally placed OUTSIDE the circle

I don't remember writing it there...but JOAN does
I do not count my achievements
I pack them away in a Rubbermaid bin and store them in the storage closet...
they do not count

Yes, that was a lip quiver moment
THAT was when my voice got shaky and a fellow group member screamed what Babs has been wanting to say all along...WHY?!?! Why wouldn't you be proud of that? Why...oh MY you should be so proud of yourself

and I shrunk
and cowered
and sunk into the poofy chair I was in
hiding further under the blanket I had thrown over my lap
I couldn't breathe...and I couldn't stop my eyes from leaking...and I couldn't tell her why

BECAUSE...I didn't really deserve those accolades, it was freak luck that I finished anything well at all, someone felt sorry for me and gave me a consolation prize...and if I DID get anything on my own merit, look how long it took me to complete the task...

Because no one likes a show off, dear. You do better not to be proud, pride cometh before a fall...and you know that all too well don't you...

Yes, I do...because when I am proud of myself...I eat and eat and EAT and EAT AND EAT until there is nothing to be proud of...until I have SO much to feel bad about I never want to be proud of myself again...

But not any more...
I feel the little prideJOANdemons trying to talk me out of my 5k
I have to sort of fast walk it because of my ITB issues
so is it really even worth doing i mean how silly is that...WALK a race!
Every mile to the race location and every day leading up to it is practice in telling JOAN to Shut Up
but my bones listen to her...and my little medal that I'll get...the completion medal...yeah the Rubbermaid bin has cleared a spot for it

Maybe I'll put it on a piece of leather cord and make it my latest fashion accessory
along with my tiara...

That sounded good, sounded strong and defiant
but it wasn't really...and JOAN sneered
sigh...

C.A.S.E.

I'm a classic c.a.s.e.-er
I Copy And Steal Everything
If I see it and I like it...I copy it!
Heck, if I like the way you're doing something and I think it could work for me...well then voila! The highest form of flattery!
As we know better, we do better...and if you know better, well then I'm learning from you so I can do better too!
All that to say...I stole this from a fellow conquerer I read and she stole it from this site...

There are definitely days when my effort feels like 'not enough.'
As a wife, as a mom, as an employee, as a student, as a human! And we won't even go into how JOAN can make me feel substandard with a glance...
So, time to think on other things because...

Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. Philippians 4:8 ~The Message

1. The things you’re grateful to have

Think of the things you’re grateful for. Food, shelter, family, friends, a car, all the big and small things many aren’t fortunate to have.

• I'm grateful for my job, for my friends, for my Holly Hobbie Lunch box,
• I'm grateful for my hub and kids, for music, my blog, my counselor, for colored pencils and dancing in the kitchen while I put away the dishes.
• I'm grateful for Spirit who loves me and for my resurfacing Babsness! 

2. The things you’re grateful NOT to have

Each of us can come up with something we’re grateful not to have. Perhaps you’re grateful not to have a disease, enormous debts, or perhaps you’re happy you don’t have a lot of money.

• I'm grateful that I don't have MS, that was a real scare last year.

3. What you want to do today

Quick thoughts about the daily goals you want to accomplish and the plans you’ll need to take to get them done.

• I want to get my grocery shopping done and read some more of my book.
• I'll grocery shop this afternoon after work since dinner is leftover lasagna from the weekend and I'll read some tonight while Bm is in tumbling class

4. What the future holds

Think about what tomorrow, the next month, or even the next five years will bring you.

• I look forward to the changes we're making to the house.
• I'm working on a potted garden and can't wait for more fresh herbs to use in the kitchen.
• I'm looking forward to my 5K on March 6th. I'm proud of the fact that I've DECIDED I don't have to be perfect...participating is a HUGE step.
• I'm excited about graduating with my BA.
• I'm excited about writing and teaching and sharing the true knowledge of authenticity with as many people as I can.
• I'm excited to know I'll be able to see Joan Crawford as just another actress!

5. Think about one of your fears

We all have fears, some are big and some are small. Focus your thoughts on one.

•  I'm afraid that we'll get too far behind in our finances.

6. Think of a way to face that fear

Think of one way in which you can face your fear. Even if it’s something small it’ll bring you one step closer to fear’s face.

•  I actually have faced this fear, head on. I pray about it, out loud, with my hub each night before we fall asleep and I've stopped avoiding the situation. I've taken the steps necessary (especially with our house) and I just 'tell it like it is.' Being honest about where I am, what I'm doing and how I'm doing with whomever will listen helps this fear not seem so big and scary
• Gee...sounds a lot like how I'm dealing with JOAN.

7. One new thing you’d like to do

Think of something new you’d like to try. Do this every day you possibly can, you’ll never have too many goals and dreams.

• I'd like to start a podcast.

8. The things you didn’t accomplish yesterday

Think about the things you wanted to get done yesterday, but didn’t. Then plan on getting them done today.

• I would've liked the laundry folded...but Mondays are my long day, so I don't feel any sense of failure for not having done that.

9. Your greatest qualities

Every day think about the things that make you a great person. It’ll give you confidence and ambition to tackle anything.

• I am smart, I am silly, I am a great listener and an encouraging voice.
• I am fantastic at research and love learning.
• I am a great writer and orater.
• I can find the positive in any situation.
• I am a prayer warrior and a great singer.
• I have strong core values and a personal code of conduct that I apply to my work, family and social life.
• I am a talented, skilled interpreter and a budding counselor.
• I am kind, honest-to-a-fault, and validating.
• ...and I like long walks on the beach and dinners by candlelight (LMAO)

10. What you don’t like about yourself

We each have something we don’t like about ourselves. Perhaps you are too fearful, too quiet, or too arrogant.

• I cannot apply any of the above qualities to MYSELF! (ugh!)

11. How you can change what you don’t like about yourself

Think of some ways you can change. Sometimes it doesn’t take as long as you might think.

• Stop listening to JOAN
• She's the one who tells me I cannot succeed and will always fall back on old habits

12. How you can make someone else’s day a little brighter

Maybe send a friend a card to show you’re thinking of them.  Or even just complementing someone can make their day a little brighter.

• I go out of my way to thank people by name.
• When someone does something well, I tell them, right away.
• I admit and apologize when I am wrong.
• I call or text just to say I love you.
• I make time to listen and I'm not afraid to offer a word of mentoring when it is in order. 
• I smile, I'm silly and I laugh out loud.

13. Your life goals

You won’t be able to think of all of your goals in life because you’ll always be adding more to your list. However, think about your current biggest dreams and goals. You can’t forget what you’re aiming for.

• 
  
  I will live free of JOAN
• 
  
  I'll once again have a successful and integrated yoga practice
• 
  
  I will love my body as much as I love my mind and soul
• 
  
  I will be a successful teacher/writer/speaker
• 
  
  I will travel the continent with my hub in a Minnie Winnie
• 
  
  We'll live in a Yurt in Colorado
• 
  
  I'll travel to france with my Soul Sistah and BFF

14. How yesterday’s problems are today’s motivation

Don’t let the problems of your past prevent you from moving forward. Think of how you can use the problems to motivate yourself to change and resolve.

• Those problems are in the past so obviously I have gotten through them...this means I CAN be successful and see things through to completion! There's nothing I can't tackle!

15. You only have one life

Think about this: you only have one shot at life. So make the most out of every second you have. Reminding yourself of this will help you seize each day.

photo credit