Am I different?

I started this journey in March of 2009. This journey of acceptance and self discovery as it relates to why I choose food as my drug.
I began therapy in April of that year and have found a therapist I gel with and have been working with since December.
But am I different?

I don't hear Joan as much anymore
Although I did picture her singing the lyric of the Violent Femmes song...she misses me. The feeling is not reciprocated.

I'm not any thinner in fact I might be heavier.
Not by much.
In fact, I'm about the same weight I was when I met my husband. He reminded me that he fell in love with me.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I mean the physicality of this.
I believe this week I should focus on the WAYS in which I am better for having lived through this past year so that I can shrug off the 'heaviness' I feel in my skin.
This 'heaviness' could have me searching for Joan.

So
Why did I begin this journey in the first place
What was my intended outcome when I started
What is my intention now
Do I need to re-orient myself

I am not any thinner
Am I better in other ways?
Why does thinner have to equal better?
I don't necessarily BELIEVE that equation, but it is what my fingers typed and therefore should be pondered.

If losing SOME weight is part of my intention...why am I not losing any?

This past week in therapy we touched on my need to feel noticed
Not in a "look at me" sort of way but in an "i'm not invisible" sort of way
I wondered, in the past, if I eat in order to make myself larger so that you can't miss me
If that's the case, what is causing me to feel "invisible"

It's been a very long time since I've binged
For you regular readers...you'll notice the counter went away months ago
I'm not defined by my binges
I have had some drive through moments
Not 'drive through for 6' moments...which is an improvement (one way in which I am better)

I FEEL my body now
I feel the rolls in my stomach and the crease of my hips
These feelings are not comfortable
I'm not in search of physical vanity but I do not think comfort is a lofty goal
I wonder if somewhere inside me comfort is something I don't deserve
One of those "good things" that I'm not allowed to have

Okay...that's enough to wonder about today

Whoaaaaa Trigger

Roy Rogers and his horse Trigger

This week has been full of em...Triggers that is.
I started EMDR last week. I think it's going to be a good tool in my recovery. The first session was mostly work setting a base line and finding my most CORE issue...you know, the Grudge-y one.
Turns out my worst one, that clawing, freaky grey-colored skin with dark eyes and dark haired one is a sense of belonging.
I don't belong.
Just typing that makes it hard to breathe.
This trigger is definitely an 8 or 9 on the SUDS scale.

While we were talking, I also noticed the "I should've/shouldn't have done/said" something reference being a pretty strong trigger.
Last week I offered some unsolicited advice to a co-worker. I thought about it before hand, approached the person cautiously and asked permission prior...and was well received...
But I still had a hard time fighting the urge to binge.
Worse yet, at each milestone of beating the binge (read: each drive-through I did NOT go through), the ugly feeling became stronger and the thoughts of failure more ominous.
THAT was very frustrating
Beating my demons is supposed to be empowering dammit!
By the time I got home I felt so small...and I didn't even eat! *sigh*

Last night I challenged a grade I received on a writing assignment.
I felt my points were valid. I worded my challenge respectfully. I felt as though my questions deserved an answer.

But after I hit send (it was a response to an email), I felt doom and gloom.
"You should't have said that."
"You don't have the right to question authority"

I ate
I didn't binge
but I did treat myself to some graham crackers with pb and jelly that I wasn't really hungry for
so I soothed with food

This morning I woke up and felt like it COULD be a binge day.
I talked with my hub about it.
We shared similar stories.
It made me feel good to know he understands.

I got a response from my professor today.
We agree to disagree...
...but I did get a higher grade ;)

I'm glad I said something.
A friend of mine said,

"Wow, I'm proud of you for saying something. I would've just taken the lower grade then complained about the teacher."

This is true.
I am glad that I acted from my belief "better to ask and know then say nothing and always wonder."

I'm not sure how I feel about the end result.
Don't read that wrong...I'm very glad the outcome of my challenge was a re-evaluation of my grade.
I still don't know what to do with my feelings about "challenging authority."
Those still loom.
I still don't know what to do with my feelings about "winning" the challenge.
Those loom even larger.

So I write them down...
I'll bring them to therapy...
I will not eat them.

But if I do, I'll at least understand why.

xxoo

How do those fit together?

Last night in group the good one asked what turned out to be a very poignant question, "You (meaning me) said you don't have to be everything to everyone, AND that you are accepting that you're enough just as you are. How do those fit together? Or do they?"

And the DIDN'T
Joan believes that I must be everything to everyone.
Babs used to believe that too.
Somewhere inside, sometimes, when I'm low on the Babsness scale...those thoughts creep in...
But more often than not these days, I spend more time trying to be ME than trying to be EVERYTHING. It's quite liberating :)

But she asked that question
How do those fit together?
And I felt it...literally clawing inside of me
crawling up and into my chest and hanging onto my clavicle bones for dear life
It was creepy
Like something out of the movie The Grudge (no I didn't see it but the trailer scarred me enough for a lifetime).

I have an individual session today
I imagine there will be some clawing.
I wore very comfy clothes and very little eye make up
Inhale....Exhale...Repeat

Things that make me feel GOOD

In two weeks I start EMDR. Part of my preparations is to list at least one way (per day) that I made my heart 'gush.'

Heart gush comes from my "Always remember..." notebook that I started when I first met my husband.
It's a simple little notebook where I write one liners that remind me of times my hub made my heart gush with love for him. Little books like this are necessary because it's easier to get hung up on piddly little things that make you mad at times.

So my counselor charged me with writing down things that I do for myself that make my heart gush
I haven't written any...I've thought of some but haven't taken the time to put pen to paper
so I'm putting pad to key

• I chose NOT to battle with my son about a napkin
• I bought amazingly fantastically funky curtains for the living room
• I sang my birthday song LOUD in the living room on my birthday while dancing like a happy me
• I painted the 2nd coat on the living room walls...it feels so nummy in there with the great colors
• I LOVE MY decorating style :)
• I've been dressing more 'babsy' lately

So the running theme is I've been letting my creativity flow
I notice tunes humming through my head (and out my lips) more often now and lyrics dancing around my brain...earworms planted years ago only to resurface as I sweep the floor or re-tie a bow so it's "just so."
I even dabbed a dot of patchouli on each wrist and behind my ears

Huh, whodathought that being myself would make my heart gush
now THAT phrase just made me chuckle
Miss AuthentiCity :)

Acceptance

I haven't written in a while
Can't really explain why
Some of the reasons I write are

• to avoid a binge
• to work through a feeling
• to document a breakthrough
• to have a place to dump what's in my brain

Guess I haven't really needed any of those things lately

Which...can be seen as a good thing :-)

I turned 38 this past weekend

No, I don't feel any older

We're getting closer to the finishing touches on the living room...I'm am uber excited about this fact

My 'design' self has had a chance to flex her idea muscles and it feels glorious

I've come to a place of acceptance with my size

It's not a bad thing

or an "I'm settling thing"

It's just where I am

It doesn't bother me to buy bottoms that are XL or to start with L tops rather than Mediums

(mind you...I'm talking summer clothes here, not an entire wardrobe of shopping)

I even bought a bathing suit without thinking or blinking twice.

Acceptance is good

“Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.” William James

I start a new kind of therapy next week ...and I'm back to group this week too (due to a hiatus at school).

I am quite excited about the new form of therapy...it's mostly used with those who suffer from PTSD and should be able to help me unlock the disconnect between my brain and my good monster. Yes, I'm still nervous about it...but as my therapist said last week, "You've already lived through it, so you don't have to be afraid."

School is to Food still exists

This week it crept up on me because I FORGOT that I have a Monday night class 

so I didn't have time to fret about it

our campus has moved...so there is no fast food between work and school (bonus)

and hopefully this new therapy will help me unlock the 'is to' portion and move on

These days, I'm feeling good

Marriage is good

Family is good

House is good

Nothing is perfect...and that is good

Ahhh I've missed writing

I look forward to reading your thoughts

more soon...off to finish painting a wall

xo

Good Monsters

Not all monsters are bad
but the ones who are good
never do what they could
never do what they could

I'm still reeling
No, I'm still catatonic
No, I'm catatonically reeling
from yesterday's therapy session

The layer of the onion that makes you cry?
Yeah, that's the one we haphazardly sliced into last night
and once you've made that cut, you just have to keep chopping until your done
or the recipe just doesn't turn out right.

Haphazard isn't the right word
That implies that we went there mistakenly and without care...
I wouldn't have intentionally gone there if I knew how scary it would be...

It
I don't know what 'it' is
It's scary
I'm scared that it's REALLY scary
It could just be 5 or 7 or 9 year old scary
which might not be that scary
but it still FEELS scary

It's a monster
It's a good monster

All the good monsters open their eyes,

To see the wasteland where the home fires rise,

And the people shouting why, why, why...

Do you know what you are?

Do you know what you are?

All of the giants wake from their sleep,

And roll outside of safety's keep,

And the pain makes them feel so alive

Do you know what you are?

Do you know what you are?

And we are bored of all the things we know

Do you know what you are?

Do you know what you are?

Not all monsters are bad, but the ones who are good

Never do what they could, never do what they could

All the good monsters rattle their chains,

And dance around the open flames,

And they make a lot of empty noise.

While all of the bright eyes turn away,

As if there wasn't anything to say,

About the justice and the mystery.

Do you know what you are?

Do you know what you are?

And we are bored of all the things we know

And we are forms of everything we love, we love.

If good won't show it's ugly face, 

Evil won't you take your place

Nothing ever changes,

Nothing ever changes... 

By itself.

Yeah....yeah...aaah

We are bored of all the things we know

Do you know what you are

'Cause we are, we are so in love with ourselves

And we are forms of all the things we love.

Raw

Not much more to say than that
I thought maybe letting my fingers fly might find something
Whatever was tapped into today in my individual session
is sorta deep
really visceral
and my Babs is doing all she can to disconnect
so...whatever it is ...it could be ugly
Thankfully...I don't have to do it alone
well, I have each of you...all you beautiful yous out there who share your love with me
and I have a great therapist
she helped me button things up today so I was in a safe place before leaving her office
and we'll pick up where we left off in a couple of weeks.

Incongruency...

Just the thought of something positive scares me
Okay that's not a completely true statement but I can't figure out exactly how to wrap words around this feeling.
The other day, when I ate it was because the prospect of something positive was unfolding in front of me.
In the past, when I've succumb to my worst binges they've always followed something "good" that I'd just done.
I used to think this had to do with my inability to be proud of myself.
After therapy last night, I'm starting to re-work this thought.

I've always considered myself a project-starter. (That's a nice way to say I don't finish stuff)
I've started college 5 times and I'm still a year away from my BA
I've had this podcast idea in my head since November
There pieces of crafts, sewing ideas, gardening articles, home decor projects and recipes lying in unmarked graves of my idea graveyard waiting for their Easter sunrise.

I'm fighting very hard to keep the college-start number at 5 but truth be told I've had to go kicking and screaming against the saboteur voices in my head. I'm terrified of graduating and want to be done already all in the same breath.
My heart swells with purpose when I talk about the ideas I want to incorporate in my podcast and teaching tour, just the words 'podcast' and 'road trip' make my entire body smile.
Sometimes it takes all my muster to get up and put a paint brush in my hand to finish projects around the house and i still have seeds waiting to seed...

When I think about actually finishing school, my insides shirk away from the surface. It's like they curl up in the smalest ball possible and leave me there a shell-of-a-babs.

Yesterday in my individual session we talked about the recent episode with my mother and how I processed it. All in all a good scenario because 1) I didn't eat, 2) I felt my feelings, 3) I expressed my feelings in a healthy way and 4) I got resolution.

From that we started talking through whatever episodes may have happened when I was younger that left this inability for me to trust what someone says. That I must've had several examples (or one doozy) where I heard one thing but tuned into another (because I tune in like that...its a mad-skill of mine).
That didn't resonate...
For some reason, while my therapist was talking I started to think maybe it wasn't hearing good things about myself that I didn't believe...but good things about life in general. (that's not quite what I meant but I can't find words for that right now).

For example...when I was young, my parents told me all their marital troubles were over.
I remember that day CLEARLY...I walked in the door, there stood mom and dad hugging and smiling and mom said, "Look, we're fine now no more worry."
I didn't believe that.
I was younger than 10 but older than 8.
My life was supposed to be "good" and "okay now" but it didn't feel that way

http://www.nataliedee.com/

incongruency

Stepping out on this great adventure of my future path to change the world
Good thing...will be fantastic...totally ready to DIVE in, ideas coming out of my eyeballs I'm so on fire about it. But I freeze at the edge and won't even put my toe in because
it's supposed to be good and life will be okay now
but I don't believe it will
so I get in my own way and I douse the flames
so it never has a chance to be good
congruency...

What was said to be good, was not good at all
I don't like 'good' so I avoid it at all costs
I protect myself from it
I get in my own way so as not to attain it

But...
I think my marriage is good, and I don't feel an aversion to it at all
We talked about that for a while too
My marriage is good because it works
and I mean it's work
We work at it
it's not perfect
we each have our own demons and we struggle dealing with what life throws us on any given day
and dang...we have two tweens and a teen so of course it's work!
But we laugh and we talk and we giggle and we share and we vent and we listen. We sigh and we snark and we comfort and we support...
Several times just this week alone I've been reminded not only of how much I love my hub, but how much I love our marriage because it('s) work(s).

I don't understand the disconnect there yet
Why I'm afraid to finish my degree but not afraid of my marriage
But we've at least opened something that sent reverberations out my toes.

I don't want to eat every time I do something or feel something is good because I won't fit into the RV at the end of my national tour! ~grin~

Eulogy

Okay...just so you know, you cannot comment on this post.
I've turned off that feature because I don't wanna know what YOU'd say at my funeral, I already know you think I'm wonderful.
Gee, that sounds rather pompous but... writing my own Eulogy is a therapy homework assignment. It was assigned THREE WEEKS ago and due tonight, nothing like procrastinating huh?
Actually, I've tried to start a few times and just this morning got a good feel for where I'm going with it...
but then I realized the POINT of the assignment because I just can't get my fingers to write it, type it heck I can't even say it.

A eulogy (from εὐλογία, eulogia, Classical Greek for "good words") is a speech or writing in praise of a person or thing, especially one recently deceased or retired.
In praise of
*choke*
That's why I can't type
I'd have to say good things about myself
Like I told you...about my therapist? She's good...

So I started with the idea that I live intentionally
(maybe the whole writing in 3rd person was throwing me I dunno)
I want people to remember me for living on purpose.
I consider myself an everyday learner and wish to be so until I have no days left.
As we know better, we do better so my goal is to do better-er every day :P
I thrive on conversation and the intricacies of communication and I love teaching others those same intricacies. I believe communication is the heart of every relationship and relationship is what life is all about.
I'm learning how to communicate with myself.

I truly believe that I can make a difference and in my own little (or big) way, change the world
I believe that I see things in ways others don't and when they trust me, I will share my insights.
I may not always be right, and it's not about being right...it's about where my thoughts and words come from.
My thoughts and words come from a place of pure positive intention. What anyone does with my thoughts, words, or actions once I have done them is not for me to condone or admonish...it is just mine to act out of pure honesty, authenticity.
Hopefully, my actions model the same and I've inspired other authenticitizens and will continue to do so.

I want people to always know where they stand with me.
Honesty doesn't mean cruelty...there are ways to be honest without being mean...but the cruelty one suffers after learning what they believed is a lie is the worst feeling in the world and I never want anyone to experience that pain as a result of my actions or words.

I want people to feel better, better about themselves, their surroundings and their potential, after meeting me.
I want to always have a word, a smile or a look that lets whomever it is know that they are loved and valued; from my daughter to the panhandler outside the local gas station to the politician I vehemently disagree with.

I want everyone to realize that everyone has value and purpose and was created in love.
That God loves everybody...whether you like it or not...so you might as well, cause it doesn't hurt to be on the Big Guy's (Girl's?) good side.

Did you know YOU were created with a purpose?
Not just some hum drum way to drudge through life. There's actually an IMPORTANT reason why you are here. This is why it is so VERY important that you ARE YOU...I mean the YOU you were created to be.
So many of us hide under masks or try to be something we're not...we do this for so many reasons but ultimately it's because for some reason we don't think we're special or good enough just the way we are. OR WORSE that something is WRONG with us.
My teachers always said I talked too much and my friends said I was bossy because I always thought I knew better than they did.
See...those are just my spiritual gifts in hiding
yeah I love to talk...look, I'm talking to you now and I have SOMETHING TO SAY that is good!
I don't think I'm too bossy now but I will tell you...once I've learned something awesome I can't help but wanna share it.

I'm the weird one and I don't mind
I dance in the kitchen while I'm stirring the sauce
I quote random song lyrics at the drop of a hat
I speak my mind even when my voice shakes
I love you even when I don't like your behavior
I believe it never hurts to ask and that it's always okay to say 'no'
I don't have to change the world, but as I change me...the world changes too

I'm far from perfect
I still struggle with my own demons
but I'm honest about them...and I'm changing because of that, and change is good.

I'm a Christian and my faith is the center tentpole of my life
I disagree with lots of Churchianity
I can admit when I'm wrong but will keep speaking when I feel that something just isn't right

Above all, I want you to know that being yourself is the best gift you can give God (Sam, the Universe, your IDA). You were created JUST THE WAY YOU ARE for a reason
Don't change it ...if you do, well then you can't do what you were created to do
because only YOU can do that thing
and we need you
:)

Homework

i've been procrastinating this one so long i forgot the instructions
but it goes along the lines of...
make a list of all the things you know to be true about yourself
but then she said...

make a list of things that are true about you

didja catch the difference?
immediately that was 2 different lists to me

I thought about tracing my body out on some butcher paper and using 2 different colored post it notes to reflect the semantics

but I never got around to that

I have some time between work and therapy...but I really wanna go check out this uber cool thrift shop that is between here and there so I'm going to do that instead

I guess there's a reason I didn't do my homework
although...I am a 'best when under pressure' kinda gal and usually save my homework for the last minute
somehow this feels different
and besides...tonight is a double whammy night individual then group...
I have had a lot of 'stuff' come up this week...so maybe I'll just list that for tonight's session and put the chalk outline on my to do list for this week :)


photo credit 1
photo credit 2

the run down

I have been counting points since January 15th 2010
I have stayed on plan since that day
I have not soothed with food since January 10th 2010
I have thought about it
I have not stepped on a scale since January 25th 2010
I do not plan to (of my own accord) until January 25th 2011
I have thought about it

I have clothes that are fitting more comfortably
I look at and appreciate my body daily
I answer JOAN back, out loud, on a regular basis

I am still in therapy
I am finding my Babsness (again)
I am feeling the need for a personal day...and have scheduled several over the next few months
I am excited about healing
I can feel it happen, bit by bit, every day

Serve up a piece of Self Pie

The other day I mentioned that I was "that" girl in group therapy...yeah I was the one that broke down.
I think when I wrote it...I was bashing the idea...well JOAN was at least, but now as I think about it...that's what is supposed to happen in a process group. Another member responded to something that I said and it SMACKED my trigger HARD!

We each created our own Self-Esteem pie chart. The exercise does not measure whether you have high or low self esteem. Instead, the focus is on 'what' is important to you when you evaluate your own self-worth. You had to rate all the things in your life that you are using right now to evaluate yourself as a person. Identify the different domains of your self-esteem and then draw a wedge into the pie to represent each domain. The size of the wedge represents the importance of that domain...
Some of the suggested wedges were

• personality
• appearance
• volunteer work
• creativity
• relationships
• athletic ability
• artistic ability
• spirituality
• morals/attitudes/values (honestly, openness, speaking up, helping others, not being taken advantage of)
• weight
• shape
• performance at work/school
• talents
• hobbies
• role as a mother/sister/partner, mentor
• competence/knowledge in certain areas
• achievements.

Right away I wanted to draw TWO circles...I immediately felt a JOAN circle and a babs circle...but I resisted the urge and just put my pencil to paper.

SLICE and half the pie as gone, performance at work/school and competence/knowledge in certain areas ate up 1/2 the pie in one gulp. The remaining half was cut into 4 pieces: one for Morals/attitudes/values, one for role as mom/partner/mentor, one for appearance (weight/athletic ability/shape), and one was split into 6 tinier pieces...spirituality, relationships, hobbies, talent, artistic ability, and creativity...

When it was my turn to share, although we didn't have to...
I found myself truly sad that the things I THINK I find so important,
the qualities that I encourage OTHERS to consider when they define themselves...
are so very very tiny on my pie chart

Of the remaining slices...even those needed explanation...you see they APPEARED good, but they were laced with JOAN.
It's not a bad thing that I treasure my role as a mom or spouse or mentor...
but my self esteem hangs on being a perfect mom, spouse or mentor.

Morals and values are at the heart of my personal code of conduct (which surprisingly is very unJOAN)
but my self esteem hangs on having impeccable morals and values

Weight/Appearance...well we all get that one that's why I type here and you read this stuff right...?

Okay so that was a tough enough pill to swallow I mean really...my spirituality takes up a smidge of my self esteem pie? What about my creativity and talents?

But then...my own drawing took my breath away because 'achievements' was very intentionally placed OUTSIDE the circle

I don't remember writing it there...but JOAN does
I do not count my achievements
I pack them away in a Rubbermaid bin and store them in the storage closet...
they do not count

Yes, that was a lip quiver moment
THAT was when my voice got shaky and a fellow group member screamed what Babs has been wanting to say all along...WHY?!?! Why wouldn't you be proud of that? Why...oh MY you should be so proud of yourself

and I shrunk
and cowered
and sunk into the poofy chair I was in
hiding further under the blanket I had thrown over my lap
I couldn't breathe...and I couldn't stop my eyes from leaking...and I couldn't tell her why

BECAUSE...I didn't really deserve those accolades, it was freak luck that I finished anything well at all, someone felt sorry for me and gave me a consolation prize...and if I DID get anything on my own merit, look how long it took me to complete the task...

Because no one likes a show off, dear. You do better not to be proud, pride cometh before a fall...and you know that all too well don't you...

Yes, I do...because when I am proud of myself...I eat and eat and EAT and EAT AND EAT until there is nothing to be proud of...until I have SO much to feel bad about I never want to be proud of myself again...

But not any more...
I feel the little prideJOANdemons trying to talk me out of my 5k
I have to sort of fast walk it because of my ITB issues
so is it really even worth doing i mean how silly is that...WALK a race!
Every mile to the race location and every day leading up to it is practice in telling JOAN to Shut Up
but my bones listen to her...and my little medal that I'll get...the completion medal...yeah the Rubbermaid bin has cleared a spot for it

Maybe I'll put it on a piece of leather cord and make it my latest fashion accessory
along with my tiara...

That sounded good, sounded strong and defiant
but it wasn't really...and JOAN sneered
sigh...

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

I had group last night
I was THAT girl...I'm the one that cried
and I have a whole lot to say about my experience...but right now there are more pressing things on my mind.

I'm wrestling with the same old demons about going out tonight. My hub and I are headed to 'poker night' at a friend's house from our old church. Love the friends still close.
I keep hearing that I would just rather hang out with my hub.
I'm going to do something that I don't know how to do (play poker) with people I haven't seen in a long time (I was the worship leader at this church for 6 years...my hub and I were married there...)I'm putting myself in a situation where there will be food for easy grazing/soothing and I'm starting to shrink inside

I know I have to go
the only way I get through these things is to go through them

But I don't really wanna go (I'm not sure who is speaking there so I'm holding off on the editing)
I do have to work in the morning, and again tomorrow night
It has been a long week and my hub will be gone for a week starting on Sunday
Am I just making up excuses or are those valid reasons to politely excuse myself?

I'm not sure what to do about the food thing I'm thinking maybe I should eat
ahead of time then bring some safe stuff to munch? But I don't want to
mindlessly munch...
Weight watchers teaches you to eat something before you go to a party or an event where there will be food so you're full and not tempted to eat
Ahem...that just means I'll eat twice.
After lunch...I have 10.5 points left for the day/week and my week ends today

What if this really is something I'm not ready for yet
What if this isn't just JOAN keeping me from doing something fun but a situation I'm not strong enough for?
I've told my date...so he knows and he understands

I think I wanna get something 'safe' to drink...coz I'll just mindlessly drink if I don't let myself eat ...maybe some sparking water? I dunno?!?!?!

I haven't heard MY OWN voice enough to know what it sounds like
Just yesterday in therapy Tara and I discussed whether there was ever a time when I said NO
Do I ever remember standing up for myself...and I really can't...maybe when I was alone I'd say "I do SO know what I'm talking about" towards my mom or my sister but I never said it to JOAN...even my pinky toe agreed with her...even way back then

trying to plan
ugh...it's hard to let Babs win!

This has been an anxiety attack waiting to happen
If I screw up tonight, after this emotional week...and my hub is gone all week next week...i'm just TOTALLY setting myself up for failure. And while this may sound like something JOAN would say...the tears coming to my eyes are saying either way I need to pay attention

My hub and I just decided not to go, we're gonna have some us time tonight (since we have no kids tonight either)...I'll get my love language in extra doses to make it through to next weekend :)

I'm gonna tell our host the truth...I trust her enough to share this piece of me
That, and the more I'm honest about my reasons, the more I know it's me making the decisions
JOAN would lie
Babs does not

how many days has it been???
I need to keep looking up

Sit with this

That's how my last therapy session ended
No homework
Nothing new to think about
Just sit with all the stuff that came up
I'm human
I'm not a super-hero-woman
JOAN isn't really Joan
well of course she's not...why would Joan Crawford take up residence in my brain come on now...although, it is an interesting side note that she died in 1977 which is around the same time my eating disorder began...so she COULD be Joan.

Alright, of course it's not Joan, JOAN is my neat little package for all the voices that make up my Eating Disorder. But when I SEE those voices...JOAN is who I see so it works for me.

I said "yes, I can admit that perhaps this JOAN character is something I've created so i don't have to blame my mother" during therapy on Thursday. It kinda just flew outta my mouth and my body perked up...usually my head and my body participate in therapy separately.

So I'm sitting with that
Tara mentioned too...that if there is JOAN, it doesn't have to be ME, or my mother
So it's a nice way to compartmentalize the disorder.
I need that
I need my disorder to not BE me
because I am not my disorder

Ever since the young one mentioned that things could be stemming from issues with my mom ...that just doesn't sit well. I mean yes, I know I have child hood issues with mom...but mom being the source of my eating disorder does not resonate well. It doesn't sound right coming out of my mouth and it doesn't sit well in my bones.

So I tried compartmentalizing JOAN (I feel an art project coming on)
There's mom, who made me eat my peas

Dad, who soothed everything with food
Dr Snow who told me I'd grow this way (wide) not this way (tall) because I started my period
There is the ballet teacher who said I had no grace
The school culottes that rubbed the thighs raw
The elementary school gym rope I couldn't climb
There were the middle school girls who sneered behind my back
And the high school boys who wouldn't give me the time of day
But before all of that...before any of it, there was JOAN
She talked to me at night when I was alone in my room
(hrmm...my fingers are just typing here and when I read the words "she talked to me," I felt a little shiver)
I remember her there when my feet barely reached the mid-point of the bed
I remember her balking at things my mom said
So I don't know who JOAN is
but I know she's there
and I know who she's NOT
first and foremost
She's not me

but ...
she's been with me so very long
she just feels right
it just feels like she's supposed to be there
what would I do without her
what will she do without me
I know our relationship is toxic
but shouldn't I care something for her in her old age
hasn't she shaped me into somewhat of a semblance of who I am

why am I grieving the loss of her
why the heck do I care
does she not realize what she's done to me?
OF COURSE she does

ughh...this is NOT where I expected this post to go. Guess I should sit with things more often.

I start group therapy this weekend. It's a process group for compulsive over eaters facilitated by the same therapist I see for my individual sessions. I'll still do my solo work every other week...but I'm trying out the next 4 weeks of this group to see how it feels. Tara says she thinks I'm ready

...ready for what?

photo credit
you know, it's funny, I kinda like this picture
i may make it into my 'say no to JOAN' shirt
coz lil one is sticking up for herself and saying no...no matter the consequences
(e x h a l e)

Stages of Change

Recovery
Are you in need of recovery?
Are you ready for your recovery?
Have you overcome your addiction?


I'm not only learning how to deal with my own recovery, but how to understand and love those around me who are on their own journey.
These stages helped me a lot...thought I'd share.
They are specifically written from the perspective of an eating disorder because well...this my eating disorder blog, But...they can be applied to any addiction.

Pre-contemplation

• You don't believe there is a problem (with the way you eat or diet, eating behaviors, body size, weight or the way you have attempted to change in thses areas.
• "I'm only here because someone else (my physician, friend, family member) thinks I have a problem."

Contemplation

• You begin to accept the possibility that there might be a problem with how you eat/diet/attempt to manage your weight.
• "I may have a problem, but I'm not sure I can, or want, to change."

Preparation

• You start to get ready to make changes, considering the pros and cons of the problem. You look for support from others to help you through this process.
• "I'm planning to do something about my problem really soon. I've started to explore and discuss what to do."
• This may include asking others what has worked for them, researching healthy options, registering and attending workshops or groups, making inquiries

Action

• You take active steps toward changing behaviors and thoughts that support the problem.
• "I have been actively trying to do things to recover from my problem."
• You're following a healthy food plan, incorporating movement into your life and are present in your personal recovery program.

Maintenance

• You have made changes but continue to be aware of the problem
• "I have made changes to solve my problem, but need to maintain these changes actively.

The 'maintenance' phase is where I have failed miserably in the past. Actually, my support system failed too...through the Action stage and plummeted in the maintenance phase. I think too, I failed in the past because I have never attacked both sides of the problem at the same time. I have done lots of different things to change the shape and size of my body, but have never fully incorporated how I mentally felt about those changes, or the reasons I wanted (or even needed) them in the first place.

What stage are you in?

Another day of process

Yes, I ran yesterday!
You can read about how I almost puked here...I'll save you the details if you're not interested :)
I feel pretty good about completing the run since it was just the 1st day of the week, should make the rest of the week go by easier.

I packed my gym bag again today. Changing at work and going directly to the gym is the ONLY way I'll go in the afternoon, and since I've had to be to work by 8 the past few days...morning work outs are NOT happening.

In other news, hub pointed out that it looks like my fuse is about an inch away from my head...guess I've been testy.
But ... Boobs=Sore
so the hormones are happening

Have not had any candy from the break room
Have stayed within my food plan for the week
Have nourished my body with gluten free foods
Have been honest with my feelings this week (out loud)
Good on ya! (that was to me)

My homework from therapy is to start a story...
actually, I have to create a character, a heroine
and I'm the heroine

My session was last Friday, I haven't started yet

photo credit LOVE this pic funny!

Analyze This

Heh heh, I love this movie...doesn't hurt either that I like both Billy Crystal and Robert DeNiro's work.

Today's session was great!
If you're in Central Florida (or close) and looking for a good counseling center that focuses on Eating Disorders, I HIGHLY recommend White Picket Fences.

I turned in my homework today...I'm actually quite pleased with it. My collage turned out great...even better than I imagined and, as is always the case with art therapy...it said a lot more than even I realized it said.
I think I'm going to laminate it and put it up in my cubicle. I snapped a picture of it with my phone...I'll see how good the photo turns out and if it's worth sharing I'll post it later.

So yeah, I totally had one of those "you, you're good" moments today in counseling.
Turns out not only my words, but my art (the collage I made) and the sensations I recognize in my physical body are disconnected.

Funny thing...all the 'body' images in my collage were intentionally action shots of the types of things I see myself doing...writing, art, reading, taking photos, gardening, working on the house, etc...no heads. I did that on purpose because it was the action I was going for.
While watching me put it together last night Bm even said "hrmm, I guess you like your head huh?" I chuckled at her observation...but she is wise beyond her years.
My head knows where I want to be...knows the possibilities
My body, is not caving in, is not participating and reminds me regularly that it occupies more space than my head and will eventually win out.
While recounting several 'positive' things that happened during the week...I couldn't find a FEELING word. I felt accomplished...but that's not a FEELING
While recounting some ugly binge moments and struggles...it was only my head that moved and spoke, my body didn't move an inch...I felt like the headless woman from Beetlejuice, but at least in her case, each half is aware of the other!

So we've stumbled onto something here...the best word I could use to explain my 'feeling' was inline...inline with who I SEE myself being
I felt like my collage poster
I was posterized
But that's still not a feeling...no wonder the disconnect.

We also talked about how I'm feeling in OA meetings
I feel a bit incongruent
I don't like the "I" statements.
Even when I was working on my emotional triggers worksheet as I was working through this morning's 'almost-binge' it didn't feel quite right to write "I feel as though I'll just fail again," or "I feel like I can't do anything right."  Because I don't feel that way. The voices in my head TELL me that...but that's not me.
My name is Babetta and I have a compulsive eating disorder.
I am not my eating disorder
I am Babetta

Everything about my OA experience has sounded a bit like JOAN.
You will never be well, you'll always be sick, you'll always be in recovery, you'll always need me and you'll always be a compulsive overeater.
No, no I won't

I am Babetta
I will be well, I am not sick, I am working on recovery, I have all I need inside of me and I will succeed in my journey to overcome my eating disorder.

The Why I Do the Things I Do

** I don't know why my titles have been snippets of songs (or parodies of snippets of songs) lately so please forgive the unintentional planting of any ear worms...I'll try to pick better songs :)

*** JOAN speak

I'm gonna get crazy with the glue stick today (dang it now I'm singing Beck) and work on my goals collage. I want more pictures...I have a lot of words right now but I donated my magazines to the school so I'm at a loss. I really don't want to just image search online because I'd be controlling the images that I found rather than just grabbing what speaks to me... I'll figure it out

Anyway...Why I do the things I do...

The second part of my homework comes from this book. I only know that because I searched for an image to upload...my counselor just gave me a copy of the page I'm supposed to use so I'm not endorsing nor discouraging the reading of this book...nor have I perused any additional pages on line. I'm working REALLY hard on letting the experts be the experts in my recovery because 30 years with JOAN have shown me I don't know squat even though I know A LOT.

My homework comes from page 78 (you can use the arrows to flip through the pages in google books)



This is gonna make me THINK a whole lot more about why I eat
I know I eat when I have to talk
I know I eat as a way to show myself love
I know I eat because I'm not worthy  I don't allow myself to be proud of my accomplishments.
Now mind you, just because I know these things, doesn't mean I stop myself...I'm smart enough to know I need a network of experts and support to help with that...and those smarts aren't going to make me eat right now.

So let's take an example

January 8, 2010
(just now realizing it's probably going to be easier to work this sheet backwards which kinda sorta sucks coz that means it will be post-food and my jeans are already getting tight...and they're the size I bought to just be accepting of where I am while I work on this...)

Activators:

• I took a shift from 9:30 to 3pm thinking I'd be out by 12:30... never assume
• I worked somewhere I haven't been in a while and I'm fatter than I was before
• We had family meal scheduled at my mom's house, mom recently got engaged, sister would be there, brother would be there (yay)... on a positive note, my mom bought Gluten Free (she says Glutton...how cute) pasta so I could eat with the family 
• My mini me has had a fever for 2 days
• I haven't gone grocery shopping

Beliefs:

• I tried to hide my weight gain in the outfit I chose to wear
• I'm thankful it's winter and chilly in Florida so I can wear layers and make it 'look good'
• I think I look horrible
• If I had more control I wouldn't have let myself get here

Consequences:

• I got very quiet
• I did a lot of 'rescuing' and became the protector "I just saved you"
• I got miffy about chores around the house
• I admitted my disorder and my journey to recovery to my brother (he's cool)
• I occupied myself with technical mumbo jumbo (a la new template) 
• I ordered pizza for the fam
• I ate pizza

I ate 4 slices of pizza, Pizza Hut stuffed crust pizza

I coulda stopped at 2

but there was something about that happy mouth sensation

and yeah, even though I took 2 pills to help with the gluten issues before I ate the pizza... I just can't do that

It's a band aid and an enabler.

In session on Friday I said I need parallel steps, while I work on ridding myself of JOAN, I need action steps.

Weight watchers worked in the day because I had the action steps and the voices in my head were all about love and empowerment in my job (I had recently met the man who would be my hub and I was doing some great performance art stuff and was encouraged to the hilt by my Pastor/boss at the time)

Eventually, the steps stopped working because the underlying emotional reasons for my eating were never addressed in WW, I still binged, just on a 2lb bag of baby carrots instead of nutty bars. And now the voice is SO loud that I talk myself out of following the steps because I'm just going to fail anyway.

So parallel steps, we'll work on that next time. I've been packing WAY too little food for lunch, not allowing myself to pick from the candy dish at work (2 or 3 kisses a day slip in but I walk away from them 2 or 3 times a day too) and then wind up eating an entire 2nd plate at dinner time. Tara told me to pack more for lunch, or a good snack (see I KNOW these things) but JOAN says...and dared to say right in the middle of our session...'Suck it up, there's enough of your thighs you won't die if you don't pack more food'

Shut up JOAN

photo credit

Homework

photo credit

I don't believe in New Year's JANUARY 1st resolutions

Honestly, I believe these can happen every day, month, 7 years, or whatever chronological marker happens to coincide with my decision.

So it just so HAPPENS that my homework this week has me redefining my goals for therapy and this homework was assigned in January :)

I started flipping through magazines and cutting out anything that spoke to me in one way or another...it didn't matter why or how, if it made me look, I cut it out.

I guess I'm going for a dream collage but I'm not planning it I'm just doing it...it's inspired, I'm inspired

but for list sake:

List of Changes...not necessarily 2010

• Physical/Health - strong, healthy, realistic shape, managing my gluten intolerance without burden
• Mental Emotional - Say No To JOAN!
• Educational/Academic - finish Bachelors, pursue Masters
• Relationships - honest, open, growing, working, improving, always grounded in love, intentionally pursuing friendships
• Spiritual - deeper, closer, and more transparent
• Professional - blogger, podcaster, teacher, speaker, traveler, healer
• Home - painted, garden, simple, green, co-op

This looks better as a collage in my head

but these are the words that came to mind so I spit them out of my fingers

I also have a trigger worksheet

this one should be cool

I'm gonna stick it in my pretty journal

so i have it at the ready when I feel the need to soothe with food.

My drug of choice...

These meetings are going to be hard. Thursday night meetings read from "The Big Book," and there is no Big Book for OA...it's the AA book so we're reading about alcoholism and alcoholics keeping our own addictions in mind. Sometimes we change the word alcoholic with food addict, or alcoholism with compulsive over eating...but some of the stories don't lend themselves that way so we read about the disease of addiction and apply it to our own circumstances.

This is hard, because I've lived with addicts of one sort or another for pretty much my entire life. And yes, I want to change them. I AM that moderate drinker that can take it or leave it and thinks you should be able to as well. I WAS a recreational drug user that couldn't understand how you could blow your paycheck on a knot that was gone in one day...then lose your job because you were high for days and missed work. But I'm also the food addict that gets pissed off when someone says "Oh just one treat every once in a while won't kill you," or, "if you want to lose weight, just don't eat so much." Well DER!

I didn't talk much last night
I did identify with a passage in the story we read about the character's sober self being the antithesis of his true self ...this is SO who I am as a compulsive overeater and have been for years.
At the end of the meeting the leader asked me to pick the closing prayer
PICK?
There are choices?
"um, I don't know, I'm a newbie..."

We open every meeting with the Serenity prayer...so she suggested that would be a good closer that I knew...
"okay"

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference"

I realize something I cannot change if I want to break this cycle
I must face the fact that I cannot use my drug of choice - - I cannot compulsively overeat to soothe myself
This is gonna suck
I am gonna suck
withdrawal is gonna be a bitch
I'M gonna be a bitch
I'm not looking forward to it
I am looking forward to it
UGH

I have a counseling appointment today with Tara
Today we begin working on my Good girl/Bad girl perceptions