Forgive me while I dump my trash here...I'm the one who picks it up anyway

Maybe here I can reduce, reuse, up-cycle, recycle or at least make something pretty out of it...

1000 statues from trash in Rome

Last night we got together for dinner with ma familia.
The lot consisted of me, hub, Bm, Big Bro, Older Sis, Younger Bro and Dad. My mom and dad have been divorced for going on 10 or so years now after 42 years of marriage...well almost 42, the divorce was final days before their 42nd wedding anniversary or something poetically tragic like that.

I've learned to live with this phenomenon...the divorce I mean.
I probably have a better relationship with each parent respectively now that I have individual relationships with each of them but something new is putting me into a funk.

My mom has begun the process of annulment.
She's been dating someone for a while...which is fine. She's an attractive intelligent woman and should be allowed to move on with her life.
She's seeking an annulment so she can remarry again within the church.
This is my father's church too. The Catholic church I mean.
(If you've been reading me for any length of time you'll no doubt infer that it is no longer my church)
This process, to the best of my understanding (which is admittedly somewhat trapped in the brain of a 5th grader desperately searching for a way out of parochial school) basically claims the marriage invalid. Like it never 'should have' happened.
The kids don't revert to being illegitimate or anything like that...but the union that never should have been in the first place is excused by the church because well...they shouldn't have allowed it in the first place (yes, that was me tripping over the tongue that got in the way of my cheek as I tried to say that).

So yes, this process will kill (if not literally then DEFINITELY figuratively) my father.
The one remaining grace he believes he holds onto is his faith so for the church to be the last proverbial nail in the coffin of what remains he has of a 'life story' (tragic sounding I know but this is his existence) will be the end of him. Hopefully, only the end of him as we know it and he will rise from the ashes like a phoenix. Time will tell...

But that's not what has me in a funk
Yes I know...we'll still be considered legitimate children
But if the union wasn't to be in the first place and this is a Declaration of Nullity (weird word) then really the history created doesn't exist either...

And really
Was it invalid to begin with?
I don't think so
I've seen the pictures
Can a story be made to claim otherwise
probably
Couldn't we all write a "I should've known better" story about EVERY decision we've ever made...even the ones we're happy with.

So this is bugging me
This could just be bugging me because it's tugging at my Catholic roots, which I have also been tugging at in EMDR.
It could be bugging me because I want mom to just suck it up...whatever that means
Who knows
but it's bugging me
so I write about it
so I don't eat it
There, now THAT's a beautifully recycled creation.

Breathing

I realized I never did a follow up post and some of you may be holding your breath!
Yes, this blog is for me but I do know that I have very caring readers and just as important...I RE-READ all the time so reading resolution is important!

My email to my mom was very factual. I'm sure there were some emotions tied in there too but honestly I just cut and paste a bit of my blog entry and tweaked a few things here and there. I felt really comfortable hitting the send button and I didn't frantically check my email looking for a response.

The next morning I had two.
The first simply said,  "I'm sorry. Momma"
The next one got a bit more intense and defensive...but nothing overly dramatic.

I realized there was information my mom didn't know...
In my family, we would rather know the truth...even if it might sting a little...than to hear a false complement.
If it's not true, then it's a lie.
This is simply a statement, not a character judgement
I didn't call mom a liar, I simply said she didn't tell the truth
Semantics, I know but still.

Mom admitted that she has said
she doesnt like my tattoos
she is concerned about my marriage
and she didn't like my daughter's hair

You know what...after I read that I was fine
there was closure.

Now she knows...she needs to be straight up or not say anything
The boundary has been set.
Now if it happens again, there is a standard to uphold
If it doesnt happen again...well then she's growing
Both are good outcomes :)

waiting to exhale

just hit send
email to my mom
she won't be happy
she'll force me to talk to her
it will be uncomfortable
i may or may not
but i hit send

If it's not one thing, it's my mother

I have to say something to my mother
I'm angry and I don't care that I'm angry
Mom says one thing to my face, and another to everyone else and I hate that. I've always hated that no matter who has done it.
This time she said something ABOUT my daughter
and my daughter knows that she did it
and I couldn't even look at her yesterday
gee I must be pissed because these short phrases are starting to get annoying but I can't seem to string together more words with any sense of coherence or grammatical structure (never mind correctness which probably isn't even a word)

BIG BREATH IN
BIG BREATH OUT

Last night was the first twinge I got that JOAN really could be my mother in disguise
Last night was the first time ever that I explained to my sister (from whom I'm sorta estranged) that I am in individual and group therapy for an eating disorder
Mom didn't really say anything...but she pooh-poohed the whole notion with everything but her words
My sister got it, was very surprised to hear...but she got it and hugged me for being so brave to go through it and work on it.

I feel yucky inside
Like I want her to just go away
very much how I feel about JOAN

Mom, you need to know that Bm was quite upset to hear that you lied to her about whether or not you liked her hair. You see, she doesn't care whether you like it or not, she likes it. She understands that not everyone 'gets' her fashion sense or style. What she doesn't understand is why her own grandmother would lie to her about how beautiful she was with her new 'do. Or why she had to hear from a man she'd never met before that her grandmother really doesn't like it and has been talking about it. Don't you see that now she won't believe you when you tell her she's beautiful

photo credit

Don't you know this is why I don't feel special
I'm not a smart cookie and I'm not "so special"
You said these things to me over and over again to make me believe them
but somehow early on I knew they weren't true
I still don't think they're true
I can never be smart enough and I can't be proud of myself without sabotaging my very being and happiness in the same breath.

You are not allowed to tell me what a great mother you think I am and the berate my kids behind my back
You are not allowed to tell me what a wonderful man I married and then tell others you don't think our marriage will last
Please do not say how beautiful you think my home is
Do not tell me you think I look thin
Do not compliment my eyes and search for hugs and kisses
I do not know you
I do not know what is true
Do not feign that you care about my father as you inquire about his well being
Do not
Do not
Do not

My body cringed and went numb when you sought hugs yesterday
My mind fought to focus hard on the newest addition to our family yesterday and strained to avoid your gaze
I did not want to be around you
I did not want to talk to you
I wanted to tell you off
I think I just might

I usually feel better after I blog
today I do not
this is yucky
:-(