School most definitely equals food

Yeah I didn't make it past the drive through tonight
I ate taco bell
yup...gluten laden/fat filled Taco Bell

For some reason school is to food like bar is to drink for an alcoholic
you can't expect me to go there and not ____
yeah
so
I need to come up with a plan
I originally thought I would re-work my schedule so that there is time for an individual therapy session prior to class (at least every other week) ...but my campus is relocating finagling that travel time would be extremely inconvenient
more inconvenient than the after effects of a soothe?

So I give all of you permission (those who have my phone number) to text/call words of affirmation, notes to "STOP" every Thursday between the hours of 4 and 6pm EST. (Yes, I know today is Wednesday...class was changed this week due to the big move...)

I think I might figure out how to send myself email reminders
Heck I think I might figure out how to send myself voice reminders so I don't have to text/email while driving

I'm glad the server was down at school tonight...because had I blogged this as it was unfolding, well I would've had much more colorful language...and while it may have been cathartic for me...it would not be as insightful.

Now I'm just tired
could be because of the gluten
but more likely it's because I've been working a lot and it's been a brain sucking kind of week
I think I'll treat myself to an early bed time

:)

that fix

Do you remember the scene in pay it forward where Helen Hunt's character tears the house apart frantically searching for ONE remaining drop of alcohol in her house
and she finds it
in the kitchen light fixture
and she drinks it
and everything feels right with the world for a second
but then it's not

yeah...
I know that feeling
it came in the form of a spicy chicken melt from checkers
some fries
and a hot apple pie that burned the roof of my mouth

She didn't care that she'd get sick
for that second she didn't care that she might fall off the step stool and break her neck looking... reaching for a drop of vodka

but for just that second
after that, she cared

i don't know why
i only know what was going on
i wasnt finished with my paper for class
(although I am now)
and my presentation is about what I want to be when I'm done with my education
it's all about me

ugh
I'll be sick tomorrow
I'll log too many calories today
and I'll restart my counter when I get home from school

I hate that "fix" feeling
I hate it and I love it all at the same time
GAH!

The blog's new clothes

Yeah I know, it doesn't matter what the page looks like...as long as I put things on the page...
sigh

I've been in the mood to change my background for a while, and with Blogger's new template designer it's a little bit easier. Maybe I'll just change my backgrounds every once in a while, or flip my columns around.
I like that I can use photos as my background YAY!
...I don't like that I can't upload my own photo ... BOO :(
I like that I can still use my counter...
...I don't like that the words have to show...I kinda just liked the numbers...it was for me (and those of you who get it) but I guess why hide...and I guess those that deserve the credit for making the funky little widget should get it...but it's gunking up my header :(
JOAN said to just delete it
uh...NO!
My counter helps me get through some risky times! It was really just 'luck' that the words/ads didn't show before so I'll deal.

Today I'm home 'unwell' because of gluten contamination.

Today it's hitting me HARD
but I realize that means I've done exceptionally well at eliminating it from my diet.
Eating out is so risky
I wasn't as smart as I could've been with my food choice last night
it didn't take long to realize I'd been glutened.
The only ones who love being close today are my puppies

So, I'm playing around with my blog template
Virtual schizophrenia :)
I'll study for my Biology test tonight
and I'll be nice to my belly
 :(

photo credit

Another day of process

Yes, I ran yesterday!
You can read about how I almost puked here...I'll save you the details if you're not interested :)
I feel pretty good about completing the run since it was just the 1st day of the week, should make the rest of the week go by easier.

I packed my gym bag again today. Changing at work and going directly to the gym is the ONLY way I'll go in the afternoon, and since I've had to be to work by 8 the past few days...morning work outs are NOT happening.

In other news, hub pointed out that it looks like my fuse is about an inch away from my head...guess I've been testy.
But ... Boobs=Sore
so the hormones are happening

Have not had any candy from the break room
Have stayed within my food plan for the week
Have nourished my body with gluten free foods
Have been honest with my feelings this week (out loud)
Good on ya! (that was to me)

My homework from therapy is to start a story...
actually, I have to create a character, a heroine
and I'm the heroine

My session was last Friday, I haven't started yet

photo credit LOVE this pic funny!

One year commitments

If you follow my other, not so personally intense or exposing blog, you'll know that I have decided not to drastically cut my hair until October 31, 2010. Yes, I'll get a trim from time to time...but I'm growing it long, it is sorta long already but I'm going for more...and it's AWKWARD right now. I'll never really know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll if I keep taking a bite!
(sorry ran with the random similar metaphor and I won't go into how it's an EATING metaphor...)

I'm considering straightening my hair to get through the awkward phase...I LOVE it straight so it would be a way to reward myself without food, but the crunchy side of me is having a REAL hard time with the idea of having formaldehyde on my head.

Anyway...I digress

I've set another 1 year habit creation.
I'm not checking my weight again until January 25, 2011
I may step on a scale, at the doctor's office or for some reason like that, but I will not look and I will request the information not be shared.
This way, I'll find NEW ways to measure my healing journey...and the scale won't wreck or derail me.
My recent experience showed me that I hang a lot on numbers. Rather than being satisfied, and even proud with the fact that I had nourished my body in a healthy way, OR that I had actually lost 2 pounds, I wondered why I didn't lose 5. Why should losing matter at all... did you read that? I fed myself in a nourishing way, I honored my gluten intolerance, I found glory in the scrubbing and chopping of vegetables and pride in the meals I created for my family. Which...by the way...they devoured with joy.

A good way for me to remember to work on a NEW habit...is to remember that I'm working on breaking an old one. So I'm not stepping on the scale because I'm teaching myself to find enjoy my healing journey in other ways.

And for the record...I haven't eaten from the candy jar at work in a while either.
It's been whispering to me this week. I've been telling it "no." (in my head)
I'm gonna start saying it outloud!

Have a great week!

photo credit