Woman earns Masters with honors, Cannot attend commencement ceremonies because she won't fit out the door...News at 11

There is definitely something to this school = eating equation...
Again today...it was everything I could do to keep myself from a drive through
I did it
I kept myself from every intimidating fast food sign, made it to school and cooked the dinner I packed
I bought 2 diet sodas from the vending machine to make it through the night (4 hr class.........zzzzzzz)

I did start my period yesterday
and I'm missing opening night of my daughter's play tonight (but will see another show)
I even contemplated "skipping" class so I could go to the show but...

• next week is midterm and if I miss review...I'll bomb the midterm (I know this teacher)
• there are other performances this weekend
• my hub, boys, and some extended family will be there tonight

...and most importantly, I was SEARCHING for a good excuse to skip class

which is somehow tied to drive-through desire on school nights

and I can't do either...skip, or hit a drive through

so I'm not

I'm here, in class waiting for the clock to strike 6pm and lecture to start.

I left a special gift for my mini me and hub gave it to her before he dropped her off backstage...

She loved it

She knows I love her

I'm in class

and I'm not eating...

I'll take it

Vacation

Vacation is not necessarily good for my food plan
I need a schedule
But it is vacation...so I haven't been to hard on myself about the foods I've chosen
Even though it is vacation, I have been mindful of WHY I'm eating
I was bored a couple of times
It was 'there' a couple of times
I'm back home now and think this month I'll think of ways to have a routine in the absence of a schedule because weekends can mess me up at times too.
Not beating myself up, can't hear JOAN berating me
just taking stock and moving on :)

Happy Birthday Bm!

Why vacation you ask?
Because 12 years ago today my beautiful Lil B was born :)
We went to the beach for 4 days
turns out it was the same beach town where she was born so we did some sight seeing down memory lane and made some new memories too :-)
I walked on the beach for nearly an hour every day...man do I love and miss that!
We soaked up the sun, we learned to knit, we watched iCarly (because we no longer have cable at home and it's Bm's favorite show). We slept in and we stayed up late...woo hoo vacation :)

This Princess and the frog...

Saturday March 6th I participated in my first 5K.
It was the Princess and the Frog Royal Family 5K at Disney World.

My adventure started Friday at the race expo when I picked up my race number and goody bag.
I felt VERY weird at the expo. Part of me just wanted to grab my number and head back out to my car but I MADE myself walk through the vendors and displays. JOAN kept saying "You don't belong here"  so I just kept walking.
There wasn't much there that I was interested in purchasing...most of the merchandise was geared toward the half marathon runners but I still peeked at every booth.

I DID find a cool decal that was rather validating in the sea of runners... but I couldn't bring myself to charge $2.00 so I'll just have to look for it locally in one of the sports shops.

When I got home I got focused and worked on my t-shirt. The front turned out even better than I thought it would...but when I went to add the 'tag line' to the back, I didn't separate the layers of the shirt and part of the front transfer wound up on the ironing board...sigh. It bummed me out for about 90 seconds. Then I decided I wasn't happy with the type of T-shirt I got anyway and would much rather have a ringer tee. So, now that I know the transfer will work the way I want it to...and the potential pit falls, I'll be ready to make it when I find the perfect shirt.

Race Day we awoke at 5am
Me, hubs and the two mini-est me's.
Due to the aforementioned t-shirt debacle, I wore the race shirt provided in my goody bag...it was all good anyway...my bib number would've covered up my custom shirt ~smile~
With my tiara resting nicely in between my pigtails, I was ready to go.
Breakfast of a larabar, banana, small cottage cheese and some water and we were on our way.

I was anxious the whole drive.
Really, if I'd have driven myself...I never would've made it there...I TOTALLY would've turned around and gone home.
The kids and hub were excited for me...I didn't know what I was
'feeling' was such a foreign concept so I totally moved on brain power...one foot in front of the other.

We got to the race location around 6:15am and made our way to the spectator area/start line. I felt tears well up more than once and had to bury my head in my hub's shoulders a couple of times to keep from leaking. If I hadn't, if I had just let the tears flow...I know there was a panic attack waiting to happen.
I wasn't scared
I just didn't 'feel' right.
I just didn't 'feel.

6:50am and it's time to line up. I made my way towards the back of the crowd near the sign clearly marked "WALKERS." There were a TON of people...easily at least 1000 in all. All shapes, sizes, ages and costumes...yes costumes. Lots of princesses, even a dad in a tutu running with his little snow white princess daughter. "You have the most beautiful tiara here!" someone next to me pointed out as she tugged her race buddy to see. "Thanks" (shy grin).

The pre-race music at least got me bouncing and got my mind off of my lack of feeling. We all hummed along to the national anthem and then...the countdown 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5....4...3...2...1!

It took a few more minutes for us to begin to move...the race had a series of starts according to speed so I finally crossed the start line on my way around 7:05am.

The first half mile consisted of lots of dodging...some folks walking slowly, some with strollers, others trying to jog around the cones...I even ran a bit here and there. The first water station was at the 1.5 mile mark and I was feeling good and starting to feel as though I'd finish in time...mostly because there were a BUNCH of people behind me.

Around the 2 mile mark I figured I was maintaining a pace around a 15-min mile and also realized I was running past some pretty cool architecture (the course took us through Epcot) and I made a mental (actually I think I said it out loud) note to pay attention to the things around me.

I alternated walking and jogging throughout the whole course without beating myself up too much...I'd give myself an end-point once I started to run and I kept my breathing even...taking note of how comfortable my hip felt and any twinge that might appear in my shins...not too shabby.

The second water station was at the 2.5 mile mark and I noticed I was smiling as I thought about the finish line. A fellow runner caught up with me to apologize for staring at my leg but she was just dying to see my leg sleeve and ask what it was and figured it better to just come ask rather than get distracted and take out a bunch of fellow racers if she tripped! That made me giggle and we chit chatted about tattoos, whether or not they hurt, how many I have ...yada yada...which took me to "Right around this building and you'll SEE the finish line."

It was time to run out the last leg of the race.
Once I rounded the corner I started to jog and it wasn't long before I saw the finish line...I wanted to cut back down to a walk but I was so close I just kept going and pushed it those last 50 yards. I was looking for my fam but the sun was positioned in just a way that the glare made that impossible.

I finished in 44 minutes.

I still didn't know how to feel.
I just finished...a smiling woman at the end of the track handed me my completion medal (it's a rubber design on the end of a lanyard) and I moved through the water/Gatorade lines returning to a normal breathing pattern and scanning the crowd for my family.

There they all were...smiling and proud
"How do you Feel?"
I really didn't know
"I don't feel anything yet"
"Aren't you Proud?!"
"Yeah, I'll get there...this is new for me"

My fam is so cool
they get it
they know

The physical part...wasn't hard for me...I actually really love running and want to do more of it
Every other part...was VERY hard for me
I still don't quite know I how I feel
I don't have any 'connection' to it
to my medal
or my t-shirt
or my number

But I'll get there.
I'm going to frame my number and medal.
My t-shirt will eventually wind up in my memory quilt.

For now I'm re-reading all the "I'm so proud of you" text messages I got
and letting them soak in.

I treated myself to a manicure and pedicure after race so now I have pretty toes :)

And today...I finally painted the shutters outside. I say finally because I bought the paint for them at LEAST a year ago more like two...it was a 'reward' probably for some weight loss or something weight related...but I never gave myself the reward. Today I did...and I LOVE the result :)

Thanks to everyone who sent me well wishes and shared their 'proud' with me.
xo

Babs

It's just a few days away...

Saturday is my 5K!
I watched the little video on the web page and got a little teary and scared and excited all at the same time. At least I THINK those were the feelings I was experiencing :)

My race starts at 7am

My hub is gonna be at the finish line :)

I have a tiara (thanks to a co worker)
and this ---------------------->
will be my t-shirt
yeah, I know they're giving me a commemorative one...
but I like this better so I bought a tee and some iron on transfer funky paper and VOILA
oh yes... the little 'brand' note on the back between my shoulder blades?
~SayNoToJOAN~

yup...my own clothing line just for me!
tee hee

speaking of clothing...
today i started
(yeah, hub gets home after a week away and blammo...ppttth)
but anyway I digress...
so i pulled out the fat pants
mind you...these barely fit in Dec and it pissed me off coz they're FAT pants...not every day pants
so today was the perfect day for them
and
and
and....they. are. loose!
Yes loose
so loose they're long (because my butt doesn't hold em up as high)

So yeah JOAN started
"ooh see, you should step on the scale! just see...come on just a tiny peek to see! Think of how great it will be AND you're bleeding so it's really even more of a loss than what you'll see!"

Shut up JOAN.
I didn't do it (step on the scale that is)
I only considered it for a second and I don't even think that was me (Babs)
Know why? The pants are enough!

Funny...after that I just kept singin'
'There's a new way to be human...'
I dunno the rest of that song, or if it even fits...but THAT did
and I didn't get on the scale :)


photo credit

She does what I could never, and still cannot do.

I was JOAN last night.
My daughter is auditioning for her first role in a middle school play and I offered to blow dry her hair and straighten it for her since, imho, it's usually an unruly curly mop an the awkward phase between short and long and...it makes me crazy.
It's part of my distorted Good Girl/Bad Girl perception and last night the words actually came out of my mouth in the direction of my daughter with what could only be heard as malice.

She decided she just wanted to wear her hair curly and I responded with a curt "fine."
She almost gave in, "Nevermind you can do it if you want to."

"Your teacher said you had to look presentable for you auditions...and what does your hair USUALLY look like by the end of the school day. You can't go in there with an unruly mop on your head"

"I like my hair"

OMG...what did I just say? What did I just say?
"Of course you do honey, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to be so horrible. I didn't mean that. I'm really struggling right now. I haven't had my 'drug,' food, in a while now and all these weird beliefs I hold inside about what I'm 'supposed to look like' they're not true, and they ARE NOT true about you"

We cried, we hugged, and cried some more.
I was amazed by her...I was amazed that I let JOAN out of my mouth but my daughter wasn't afraid of her. She just told it like it was..."I like my hair."

I told her how proud I was of her for standing up for herself. I admitted I can't even do that yet...to my own self! "I must not be that bad of a mom after all," I said as she was leaving the room.

"You're not a bad mom, momma," she stopped in her tracks and said right to my face.
"Thanks hon, that's another one of those false beliefs I'll have to get over."

She looked great this morning. She was HERself.
Last night while I was putting together dinner I was being a bit silly, dancing around the kitchen and generally being a goof ball and I told mini me...sorry, it's just my Babsness coming out. She giggled.

I said, "Hey, what's your Bryness?"

"I dunno," she answered.

I think I do.

I'm picking her up from school today, after auditions.

We already have plans to go to Plato's Closet and cash in her store credit...she really wants a pair of skinny jeans. AND we have plans to hit the Twistie Treat for a milkshake...we have PLANS for this, it's not a food soothe thing.

I think I'll tell her about JOAN.
I think I'll ask for her help.
Next time I say or do something hurtful that just doesn't seem like me (to you, someone else, or MYSELF) ...just say "Shut Up JOAN, leave my mom alone."

photo credit
photo credit 2

Feeling Dump

I don't feel like going to the gym today after work- I AM going to the gym today after work, I WILL change into my gym clothes before I even leave the building.

I have been taking a 2nd look at candy in the candy jar for a day or two now
I haven't eaten any, I've mentally told myself to 'step away from the (insert vile temptation here)...but I do recognize that I'm looking more...getting close to my period? Maybe, another thing to watch

I won't be dumping formaldehyde on my head
or getting #1son's room or the living room painted by someone else
because the money needs to be put to other things
I'm miffed about that even though I know it's right

It's probably why I've been vacillating about the hair in the first place...although I wonder how much good I do with the BS/ACV routine on my head ...would probably cancel it out TOTALLY with the formaldehyde.

I know we could paint the rooms ourselves...but we haven't, for over a year and I just want it done already

I hate coming home and seeing us in several 1/2 completed projects
I hate it more this week for some reason...so maybe I am premenstrual
I just want to come home and have it finished and move on
just blink and done!
It's a luxury we can't afford right now, we're just trying to stay afloat...ends always meet, but sometimes not on time so it's a harried game of catch up and I wanna sit out this round.

It's hard for me to muster up the gratitude in paying the mortgage when I hate the house I come home to.
It's hard for me to say I "hate" it because it is the house that God gave us and more often than not I love it.
I just hate the condition its in this week and needed a place to dump that feeling so I don't eat it...because I hear JOAN walking down the hall and I'm really not in the mood for her shit today.

Things I just need to learn to get over

I hate when there are dishes in the sink
I hate when there are clothes on the floor
I hate that the porch becomes a weigh station
I hate that the counter in the kitchen closest to the friggin garbage can and recycling bins is a weigh station for recycleables and garbage
I hate the dustbunnies that have taken up permanent residence in the corners of the floor
I hate that I hate all these trivial things and that I let them get to me
they don't bother other people nearly as much (yes I know there are those of you like me out there but really...we're done in by our own stupid strive for perfection)
I hate that the things I hate make me grumpy and irritable and unpleasant
I hate that I set my standards so frickin high
I hate that it only seems to bother me REALLY badly sometimes because that makes me seem like uberbitch
I accept it, (mind you, not condone...just pick my battles) and find gratitude regularly
then a switch flips and blammo my face says "I only love you when you do what you're not a lazy slob"

Dammmmmnnn that sounds like JOAN
I don't want my hub or my kids to feel that way
I catch myself and rephrase or apologize, but not nearly enough
I try to explain what is causing my actions...but it doesn't excuse them
ughhhh I hate this feeling


UPDATE: later on this morning...
So, we are going to have a friend come price the painting (fingers crossed this will work!)
and it seems as though I'm not the only one who feels this way lately

I wonder where the whole idea of Spring Cleaning comes from
After being cooped up in the house to hide from the chill in the air...women around the globe throw open their curtains, prop open the doors and declare war on the stuffy forced air and messy linen closets with blankets tossed wherever they landed!
Power to the people!

or something like that
I'm feeling a bit more like going to the gym, should be fired up and ready by the time my shift ends at 3

feeling better...it's a process

photo credit photo credit 2

One year commitments

If you follow my other, not so personally intense or exposing blog, you'll know that I have decided not to drastically cut my hair until October 31, 2010. Yes, I'll get a trim from time to time...but I'm growing it long, it is sorta long already but I'm going for more...and it's AWKWARD right now. I'll never really know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll if I keep taking a bite!
(sorry ran with the random similar metaphor and I won't go into how it's an EATING metaphor...)

I'm considering straightening my hair to get through the awkward phase...I LOVE it straight so it would be a way to reward myself without food, but the crunchy side of me is having a REAL hard time with the idea of having formaldehyde on my head.

Anyway...I digress

I've set another 1 year habit creation.
I'm not checking my weight again until January 25, 2011
I may step on a scale, at the doctor's office or for some reason like that, but I will not look and I will request the information not be shared.
This way, I'll find NEW ways to measure my healing journey...and the scale won't wreck or derail me.
My recent experience showed me that I hang a lot on numbers. Rather than being satisfied, and even proud with the fact that I had nourished my body in a healthy way, OR that I had actually lost 2 pounds, I wondered why I didn't lose 5. Why should losing matter at all... did you read that? I fed myself in a nourishing way, I honored my gluten intolerance, I found glory in the scrubbing and chopping of vegetables and pride in the meals I created for my family. Which...by the way...they devoured with joy.

A good way for me to remember to work on a NEW habit...is to remember that I'm working on breaking an old one. So I'm not stepping on the scale because I'm teaching myself to find enjoy my healing journey in other ways.

And for the record...I haven't eaten from the candy jar at work in a while either.
It's been whispering to me this week. I've been telling it "no." (in my head)
I'm gonna start saying it outloud!

Have a great week!

photo credit

Admission

Tonight we worked on Bm's geography project as a fam... we recreated the Hanging Gardens of Babylon in Cake.
It was a great night
Seeing all of our ideas come together for the completed project was awesome! We played Christmas carols and everyone chipped in (#1son decided he wanted to stay at his mom's this week that's another post)...

I asked my fam to help me stay away from the frosting
see...tubs of frosting are not safe for me
I will eat the whole thing
not just a finger-ful or spoonful...but whatever is left in the plastic tub and I'll lick it clean
Frosting has always been a binge food
Frosting with peanut butter...look out

I know there have been times I've tried to bury it in the garbage only to dig it out hours later

So I said that I couldn't be near it
even admitted that I've been known to eat an entire tub
and whatever is left has to go down the disposal

You know what...my family didn't flinch
they didn't say "YOU EAT TUBS OF FROSTING!?!?!? HOW GROSS!"
They just said okay
helped me not even get a smidge on my fingers to lick (and thus start the craving)
and went on with the project.

When all was said and done, the excess went down the disposal and that was it
No judging, no frowning, no shameful looks, no disgust
Just support
I just realized that as I sat here to type this...pretty cool!

I couldn't believe I actually admitted it
I'm glad I did

Watching my Eating Disorder

My father has been in the hospital since the day before Thanksgiving.
Last night he was transferred to a rehabilitation facility to help him regain his strength and receive physical therapy and hopefully transition back home.

A few days ago he was okay with this idea, he agreed that he could not live in his trailer in his condition and was not strong enough to live on his own.

Last night, he was NOT okay with the idea.
I joke that it is because he had a male intake nurse and he thrives on flirting and joking with his nursing staff (really a psychological coping mechanism)

At 2:40 this morning...after working until 11 and not getting home until midnight, I received an ANGRY (all caps) text from Dad demanding to go home right away.
I ignored it

So at 3:10am I received a not so angry (regular text) text from Dad demanding to go home right away.

At 8am I told him I couldn't bring him home because "I have to work, If I don't go to work, I lose my job"

At 9am he said..."Okay honey, have a good day, love Dad"

arrrrrgh

then it hit me
My dad has not been allowed free range with food since the day before Thanksgiving.
Like me, his coping mechanism is food, eating whatever and whenever he wants.
He's been eating "good" while in the hospital...always mentioning that he orders a fruit cup at every meal and reminding me that he doesn't even finish his whole plate...like it's a badge of honor.

He's good in front of people, and FEEDS when he's alone
He hasn't been able to FEED
He doesn't have any other coping strategies
He's tweaking.

I understand Daddy
I've never been refused my drug of choice
I would tweak too
I'm not sorry you are where you are...I know you will be better because of it
I am sorry there is no professional help for you psychologically so you can understand WHY you are tweaking.
I know you don't want to understand
I know you just want to be home with your apple fritters and the chair you cannot get out of alone without pain
I know that THAT pain is more comfortable than the fear you have now
I understand Daddy
and I love you.

PINK!

It totally caught her by surprise
this switching has become her norm
and today...
she noticed she's reached her first goal!
time to head to the Bath and Body works and pick up her PINK!

I learn a lot from her
she didn't obsess
she wasnt meticulous
she enjoyed the process
and...
she's not glowing any more brightly than she was BEFORE she noticed :)

she's proud

Mini me and I started calorie shifting last week
part of the program reminds us that "the scale lies, trust your size"
but...there is something about seeing the numbers go down when you're trying something new
I asked her on Friday if she wanted to weigh herself...she said no
last night (yesterday was our load up day) after our "cheat meal" she says okay...I'm gonna go weigh myself
I cut her off at the pass
said...hrmm not best to do it at night, especially NOT right after eating
so this morning...she did it
stepped on the scale and
*holding my breath* she's proud...she lost 2 pounds :)
She set some goals and rewards for herself...LOVES this new fragrance at B & B Works in the "pink" line and decided after 5 more lbs...she's treating herself (or I'm treating her *smile*) to some perfume

Me...I'm down 5
woot woot

flipping the switch, turning over a new leaf, kick starting my engine

Bm and I started skinny switch-ing this week. It's a program based on calorie shifting and so far we feel pretty good. It's a mega amount of food so hunger hasn't been an issue. There are "cheat days" built in, so cravings haven't been an issue. The meal plans are based on our favorite foods so eating yucky stuff hasn't been an issue. I have yet to face a "feel the need to binge" moment so I'm not sure what will happen there...but so far so good. The mantra of the skinny switch guru is "the scale lies, trust your size" so we'll see what's up in about a week. Woops, I just remembered I wasn't supposed to tell anyone we were sinny switching for 2 weeks...but then again, none of you cyber friends can SEE me so it won't be like you'll be able to make an unsolicited comment about how great we look.

I'm proud of Bm...this meal planning and preparing has showed her some of the deficits in her regular eating habits, and some of the places where excess sneaks in ...so it will be a good re-tooling of her habits. Mine too for that matter.

So when I mentioned the whole  I don't know what will happen during a binge moment thing earlier...a thought came to mind...I usually suffer "hand to mouth" disease because there's something (a word or a feeling) I need to let out but don't want to so I bury it under food... Well, as of late, I've felt very comfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings...even the uncomfortable ones...even with those closest to me whose responses and reactions make me feel the most vulnerable (damn I had a hard time figuring out how to correctly finish that statement...)

So maybe the emotional binging will subside for a while

I know I still suffer the hormonal binging...like clockwork at least one day during my ovulation days and once or twice during my menstrual cycle I eat like there is NO tomorrow.

It would be nice to figure out those ebbs and flows

And while I'm not being a nay-sayer, just stating the facts...I usually have ONE good week a month where it is easy to be mindful of what I put in my mouth....this COULD be that week which is why Switching has been easy

But then again...maybe not

really...a whole-friggin-lot of good food so there's no way I could be hungry

Heck, I can't even eat it all!

Tonight's dinner is even leftover night because even the "family" portion-sized recipes are too much for our family.

This week has had it's shares of ups and downs

my favorite part...spending time in the kitchen with my hub

whether he's cutting veggies for our stir-fry while I'm packing lunch

or he is recounting his day while I empty the dishes...it's been fun couple time

and I love it :)

Of course, it was UBER nice to come home from work the other day to find ALL the laundry folded, the dishes done and dinner marinating in the fridge :)

We're getting back to basics

Life is better when it's simple

We just need to figure out how simple we need to be

Tis a Gift to be simple :)

stuck with nothing i can do....

so i'm at work
i'm only allowed to have my phone on 10 minutes each hour during breaks
it messes with our phones
and go figure it really does because I accidentally left mine on and it totally effed up my call so go figure

so
during my last break
i text the hub
his ex gave him court papers
and i don't know what that means
because he said it's too much to text and he'd see me when I get home
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh
it's hard to work with that running in the back of my mind

If she's pulling a custody thing
i know she will fail
we are good parents
and she won't have a leg to stand on
but i know it totally rocks my hub's world
and he's probably into a bottle of rum because of it
which efs up his medicine
which just turns everything upside down
oh yeah, did i mention he's an eeyore
so whether I come at him with Tigger Pooh...or even the reasonable even keeled Kanga, this is gonna put him in a funk

So i'm praying
I started an hour ago
and I'm not gonna stop
maybe when I get home he'll be fine
and this will not have phased him
and he won't let her get to him
because just today he realized every time he lets her get to him...she wins
That's the outcome I'm putting out into the universe :)

As for our kids
life has been so great lately
I can't see anything changing
okay so maybe we're not bringing in the paychecks we were a year ago
but we're not suffering
maybe we don't go out to eat as much
and we stay home rather than going to the movies
but you know, life has actually been better
Yahtzee nights are my FAVE
and all of us are talking...yes all of us, even the 14 year old
so I can't really see any court being mad because we have
a chore chart, a dinner list, go to church on Sundays, have set bed times and set "no more phone" times
we have a family game night and everyone has to fold his or her own laundry

I'm thinking we're okay
I'm just praying my hub feels that way too
because I love him and it hurts my heart to see him heartbroken
and fearful that he'll lose his kids

so toss a prayer up there too :)